Dreams Come True (Not Always in the Order You Think)

Sorry in advance for all the pictures in this blog post; life has been very full and very busy lately (which I’m thankful for!) I’ve been working hard and playing hard.

One night in April, I was feeling particularly frustrated, emotional, and maybe a little manic. I was still processing my latest biopsy returning positive. In addition, the one constant I planned on (my job) was going south fast. I planned on staying at SDCH through any fertility treatments or maternity leave, due to its flexibility and my seniority. During to the company acquisition, we started to have a mass exodus of long-time employees. We were all frustrated with the reduced benefits, cuts in compensation, and the lack of communication. We were extremely short staffed. As I ruminated on all the changes combined with my lack of progress at the fertility clinic, I impulsively applied for my dream job: a NICU position at Primary Children’s Hospital. I didn’t want to wait around on an imaginary timetable before advancing my career. For years I’ve been afraid that working in a NICU would be too hard when dealing with loss, infertility, and longing for a baby. For a fleeting moment, I didn’t feel that fear. I had a rush of confidence and knew I could trust myself as a nurse to love my patients and set myself aside. This is the speciality I’ve always longed to end up in. I just wasn’t expecting to try so soon, so unexpectedly. I’m scared of the triggers, but decided: be afraid and do the dang thing anyway. 

The morning after I applied, I felt a pit in my stomach. Even the idea of change is scary. I know I am very needed at my job, which is a gift. Someone needs to take care of these long-term acute babies and their families. I know my job matters. I care for my patients deeply. It’s a humbling calling to care for others’ babies; it would feel almost impossible to leave a tiny baby in the care of a stranger and I want to earn families’ trust. One family calls me “Auntie” when I take care of their baby and it’s literally the sweetest thing. I want to give every child the best chance in life, regardless of the hand life has dealt them. The more my coworkers quit, the more essential I felt to keeping the place running smoothly and safely. But my gut said- apply for the dream job- and I did. There’s no use in putting off career dreams for a baby- when in reality, that might not happen for us again. When I look back on the years covered in this blog, I see that I’ve learned how to make hard decisions. I just have to trust myself.

While waiting for a rejection or interview invitation, I was able to play a concert at Abravanel Hall. It was my second performance there, and still such a dream come true. I hope Salt Lake will reject the proposal to tear down the concert hall. I just feel like the luckiest to have somehow found a spot in the most wonderful community symphony. I can’t believe I just celebrated my 5-year anniversary with them!

Abravanel Hall

In another wonderful twist of fate, Kevin is joining the symphony for the season! We haven’t played percussion together since the early days of our marriage (We met and started dating when we were on the same drum line in 2010. We married the same year.) Now we bring our kids to symphony rehearsal and it’s my favorite kind of new family tradition!

2010

I still love watching him play the drums

I didn’t hear back from Primary Children’s Hospital right away, which allowed me time to stew in all my concerns. If I land this job, will I have to put off fertility treatments even longer? Is there ever a perfect time to have a baby? (No.) How would I balance a full time job at a major hospital with a high risk pregnancy? Could I meet my financial obligations if I had to cut my hours? Would childcare cost too much if I stayed full time? We experience all the regular pressures of being solidly middle class- debt, taxes, insurance premiums, medical bills, student loans, a mortgage, and a mini van. We still want to give our kids summer trips and sign them up for sports and music lessons. I mean have y’all been to the grocery store lately? One carton of eggs is like $18. Kids seem to get more expensive the older they get. I think I will end up paying for four sets of braces between the two of them. Jack is only a few years away from driving. How far could I stretch myself to bring another life into the world? It would benefit us in countless ways financially if I stayed full time and paid for our benefits. Kevin also picked up a PRN job as a side gig to supplement us, which is awesome. I don’t know when he’ll find time to do it, but I’m proud of him! We’ll find a way to make it work.

A NICU orientation takes months; and honestly, I would have years of training ahead of me. I LOVE to learn and my ultimate career goal is to get my neonatal critical care certification (which takes a few years.) I just felt so unsure about the timing! It’s my dream job and it seems like the worst time to make another big change. I have too many things in the air and it’s making me dizzy. Women want it all.

A week passed and I was mostly waiting on a rejection email, as IHC initially weeds out lots of potential candidates that way. It’s no secret that it’s a competitive position. It really all depends on the candidate pool, internal hires, etc. Fortunately for me, they did call to schedule an interview. I took the interview time, even though with my work schedule it meant I would be surviving on only naps for 3 days. Definitely not the best state to be interviewing in. I was pushing myself around the clock, and any spare moment was spent writing/rehearsing interview prep. The big day arrived. I have not been that nervous for an interview in years.

Interview Day

Fortunately, I felt calm and collected during the interview. I didn’t anticipate most of the questions asked, but my prep was close enough that I was able to respond without sitting there dumbfounded and speechless with racing thoughts (we’ve all been there right?) I thought the interview went as well as possible because I felt I had represented myself in the truest way that I could.

Then- radio silence. As my brother said, “To land your dream job you have to be good AND lucky.” As the weeks dragged on, my hope dwindled that I secured the position. You start telling yourself it’s “for the best” because “we have way too much going on,” and “it’s too far of a commute anyhow.”

I’ve been doing EMDR periodically in therapy. It is healing and I completely recommend it- but- it’s shocking when those really deep hurt feelings make their way to the surface and expose themselves. One day, after a particularly intense session was over, I was still wiping my tears and grounding myself, when the phone rang with a job offer.  

Just like that, my dream opportunity was in front of me for the taking. I’m determined to make it work. I’m so happy to return to a not-for-profit company. Maybe in the long run that could help with my student loans. The available benefits are so much better than those we currently pay for. I’m at a major crossroads of what choices I want to make for my life moving forward. 

NICU orientation and training is intense- or in their words, “robust.” I’m going to be very busy for the first couple months. I’ll be working day shifts and night shifts, which I am fine with, I just hope the kids handle it okay. It’s rigid, so they give me the schedule and it’s my job to make it work. 

Working out a babysitting schedule for training, in the middle of summer (no school to break up the day!) has given me a major stress headache. Let’s talk about mom guilt. I feel guilty when I’m at work that I’m not home with the kids. I feel guilty when I’m home that I’m not out making money. When I am actually home, I’m exhausted from work. Turns out when I have no energy, I am not Mary Poppins. I’m too tired to constantly entertain my children and enrich their lives with endless activities. Don’t kids ever just go outside and play anymore without first being threatened?! If you have a kid with behavioral issues on top of everything, it’s a whole other layer. Solidarity to working moms trying to figure it out. Feeling guilty for going to work is ridiculous. 

I finally finished my antibiotics and it was a marathon of the worst kind. I finished them just in time for our summer vacation- Las Vegas! We haven’t taken an extended trip with just the four of us before and it was wonderful. We were able to make some fantastic memories!

My favorite part of the trip was hearing the kids laugh uninhibited. So often I look at my kids and I love them so much it hurts. I can just feel my heart break in half. That is enough. Of course it is. Having children is sending your heart out into the world to walk around outside your body. It is wonderful and terrifying. If no other babies come, we still have everything we need.

After Vegas, I went in for my endometrial biopsy. Third one this year, fourth total. Since I survived the more intense course of antibiotics, I was actually excited. The idea that we could get the green light to try to conceive sounded too good to be true. Just in case, I told my doctor about the 2023 research regarding antibiotic-resistant endometritis. He asked me to send him the journal (Read here). I was covering my bases in case I once again ended up in that “rare” margin. Overall, I felt optimistic. Happy even. One very long week later, the results finally came back. Positive biopsy yet again. I am now fairly confident that I’ve had this infection for 5 solid years, and that it never cleared up with treatment in 2019.

When I asked what the plan was from here, the NP said, “We’re going to have to do some research.” I almost laughed. I sometimes feel like I’m rare only in the worst ways. She said my chart was “fascinating.” Hey, medically, I’ve got that going for me. When I mentioned the research I already sent, she actually found a note from my doctor regarding treatment if I was still positive. Right now, it is looking like I probably need a hysteroscopy to look for polyps and a D&C. I know that I had at least one polyp because they incidentally sampled one during the first biopsy this year and the pain just about killed me. I don’t see a downside to surgery, other than my less-than-ideal responses to anesthesia-type meds. I’m genuinely afraid of not being numb or sedated enough. It’s happened too many times. Maybe I’ll be lucky and they will put me all the way under. I’m nervous about the cost too, as insurance likes to reject anything remotely related to fertility. 

I really liked this new NP, who works with the doctor I’ve been seeing since 2014. She asked how I seemed to know so much (before seeing on my chart I work as a nurse) and immediately told me I should go further in school (noooooo). However, in this realm, my knowledge has really come from doing my own research and learning how to advocate for myself for over a decade. I credit a lot of that work leading me into nursing practice and I’m grateful for that.

I thought maybe I would feel a slight sense of relief if the biopsy came back positive again since so much is happening with the new job and having the kids home for summer. But I just felt deeply and wholly sad. The heart wants what it wants. It’s hard to imagine walking away from a dream you’ve been planning for so many years. It’s like slamming my head into a brick wall over and over again. If it’s not one thing, it’s another, and it’s always the same frickin’ brick wall. I’m just trying to have a baby and that wall that stops me in my tracks every single time. I was told chronic endometritis is “98%” curable with antibiotics; I sure find myself in that 2% margin frequently.

My top source for history, politics, therapy advice, and news is of course- true crime podcasts. A couple weeks ago I was listening to My Favorite Murder as they were discussing how we need to stop intellectualizing our feelings and actually let ourselves feel them. While I’ve heard that concept a million times, the next tidbit changed my understanding. They said most emotions only last about 90 seconds before they shift. So now I try to grit my teeth and let the emotions have their moment. Maybe they won’t come back to bite as hard later.

Wish me luck, the new job starts Monday! <3