A Witness of His Miracles

Every time I look at Aidia...it's confirmation that God heard every one of my prayers.  He never abandoned me in my grief and I'm glad I understood just enough of that to keep going.

There are rare times in life where you become thankful for how impossibly difficult your trials were.  The joy truly matches the struggle and pain- and far surpasses it.

After writing so much over the years about our dreams of having another child, it would seem ungrateful to not follow up and speak of how wonderful it is!  Aidia is a little over 11 weeks old now!  She is healthy and thriving and the most gorgeous little person I have ever seen.  Even now, writing this, I still cannot believe that my blog now joins the league of the blogs that offer hope after recording the struggle.  It seemed so impossible.  And yet, here we are!  It truly speaks to the love our Heavenly Father has for us.  It is now my testimony that MIRACLES HAPPEN!  I want to go back in time and hug my past self for never giving up that last tiny bit of hope.  I would tell myself that dreams come true and to keep fighting for it.

I started writing this blog after my third miscarriage.  That was nearly 4 years ago.  I couldn't have imagined that I would go on to lose 3 more before meeting my daughter.  Those of you who have been reading since then know what a hard and painful road we have traveled.  The grief and sorrow nearly overtook my entire life.  Now I feel a responsibility to testify of God's love and miracles.  If anyone had reason to doubt, it was me.  I miscarried six babies in a row- how on earth did my pregnancy that followed all those losses bring me a perfect little girl?

Sometimes God really does give us the desires of our hearts after we've done literally everything we can.  I was preparing myself to find the faith "not to be healed."  I was trying to square away how I would live my life and keep my faith if I never had another baby born alive.  And yet, when I was finally able to surrender that will (and I was pretty stubborn about it), that bitter cup was taken from us, and a little angel came into our home.  She heals my heart each day.  Every single day feels like a gift- in a way I would not have understood had it not been for the loss I experienced first.  Some nights when I rock her to sleep I feel literally overwhelmed with gratitude- like please don't let this be a dream.  I love her so much it hurts!!

So many little moments have been cause for celebration!  I nearly cried when I got that beautiful piece of paper in the mail that read "Certificate of Live Birth."  Live birth.  With my name as the mother.  My heart overflows.

Life still has its moments.  We had a sudden move when Aidia wasn't even a month old yet and our whole world got flipped upside down.  I kind of felt like I was plucked right out of my support system immediately after having a baby.  My five year old can no longer attend school all day, we had to give away our doggie, and start all over with meeting people.  Kevin just officially started his career and there is plenty of stress for him (despite loving his job) with long and busy hours.  Then he gets to come home to two screaming children and a frazzled wife after work.  He's my hero.

I've struggled quite a bit with postpartum depression and anxiety- it makes me feel so guilty to struggle because I love my baby more than anything.  Luckily I've had no trouble connecting and bonding with her despite feeling depressed.  But I struggled before I was pregnant so I knew I was at risk postpartum.  I've also learned that those who have had extreme anxiety during pregnancy (...like me trying to be brave while pregnant after recurrent loss...) are very likely to have that anxiety linger on after birth.  I'm praying a lot to get me through it because I simply don't feel comfortable with going back on medication while exclusively breastfeeding.  Baby girl eats so often, and won't suck on a bottle (even though we continue to try.)  So even if I decided to bottle feed...it wouldn't really be an option.  However, breastfeeding is very important to me so it is worth suffering through being med-free to enjoy these moments with my baby (and I think breastfeeding helps with feeling happy.)

I lost about 22 pounds by the time Aidia was 2 weeks old, and that's where my weight has stayed.  I do want to start exercising soon, but Kevin says I need physical therapy first so I don't injure my back further.  He's probably right....  I should involve Jack with my exercising because he has been such a handful since moving- almost impossible some days.  But I know his whole world was just changed all at once too- so we're taking it a day at a time the best we can.

When I was in grief counseling, I talked a lot about my triggers for panic attacks.  One of the best things I've experienced since Aidia's birth is that the triggers have lessened immensely.  I can go to church without running out in tears.  I can grocery shop without a brick in my stomach and tears behind my eyes.  I even went to a diaper shower today and enjoyed it- I was genuinely happy to celebrate new babies coming into the world.  Having Aidia doesn't automatically take away my sorrow for my six lost ones- but I feel healed in a new way.  There's a little guilt for feeling better about my losses- but I'm sure that is normal.  I've put on my ring with my lost babies' "birthstones" in it (the months that I lost them in).  All six are different and it makes the ring look like a rainbow- it's so fitting now that I hold my rainbow baby in my arms.

 

When things are painful now, it's easier to run away from them.  I don't need to have the baby-hungry hurt anymore, because I have a baby at home.  There is still fear of losing more pregnancies in the future, and still hurt from the past- but I'm taking this season to rest from the pain and worries and just enjoy this most beautiful gift from my Heavenly Father.

Aidia's Birth Story

My sweet baby came into the world 8 days ago- Aidia Omera Hanni was born December 22, 2016 at 5:13pm.  7 pounds 10 oz and 19 inches of perfection.

Words can't describe the disbelief, awe, and joy I experienced when she was born and immediately given to me.  I just kept saying "You made it! You did it!"  I couldn't believe that I was living my dream and that my baby was alive!!  I'm so thrilled to once again have a live birth story to share.

The night before my induction was really strange.  It was so different than going into labor spontaneously.  It was hard to go to bed knowing that first thing in the morning we were headed to the hospital to have a baby.  It was really happening.  It's also nerve racking because giving birth is no picnic.

Night before the induction.  Jack was sad to have us leave him for a sleepover.

I called the hospital at 5:45 Thursday morning and they said they had a bed for me and to come to the hospital.  I was so relieved once we were at the hospital on the monitor- because at that point I knew if something went wrong, it would be noticed immediately and they could do an emergency c-section to save her.  I had been so afraid that she would die in the night before my induction.  I was really happy to be in the hospital!

We got settled, placed the IV, and started Pitocin at about 715am.  Pitocin goes in doses of "4" from 4 to 20, and they bump it up every 30 minutes or so.  It's brutal stuff because unlike your body, it doesn't give you a break from intense contractions.  It's purpose is to give you strong and painful contractions (the kind that actually do something) about every two minutes.  I wanted to hold out as long as I could before pain relief so that I could feel my body working and not slow anything down.

Alas, my body likes to progress slowly.  Just like with Jack.  Thankfully my labor was shorter than with Jack- but it was still a process.  After a couple hours I had only dilated a half centimeter more and my cervix was still high and somewhat thick.  I was willing to be patient as long as baby didn't seem stressed.  I lasted about 3 hours on the pitocin (it was now at level 16/20) before I felt like the pain was getting to be too much (since this was likely going to take all day long.)  Having a natural birth is one thing- but trying to do pitocin without pain relief is a whole different game.  When the anesthesiologist came to place the epidural I was really nervous (when I had it placed with Jack it did NOT go well...that's another story.)  I told him about my spinal fusion and he thought he could still get the catheter in the right space.  The first numbing shot hurt, but the second is the deep local and it really feels like someone is punching a hole in your back.  I was so relieved once the injections were over- but as much as he tried, he could not get the catheter in place because my spinal fusion compressed everything.  He apologized and said he was going to have to start all over in a higher spot.  I felt a bit overwhelmed in that moment- especially trying to hold still during those contractions.  Eventually we got through the pain of having the pain relief placed.

They brought in a peanut birthing ball and put it between my legs as I was lying on my side to help everything open up.  It basically put one of my legs straight up in the air.  Even with the epidural it was pretty uncomfortable to stay like that for hours.  The epi I had allowed me to still move my legs around and have some control- but numbed most of the pain.  Hours and hours passed.  I tried to focus on music playing and tried to relax and listen to baby's heartbeat.  Finally I was at a 6 when they checked me.  I thought that things would go fast from there.  About a half hour later, I was in so much pain I was crying, so they redosed my epidural and checked me again- I was at a 9.

As they started prepping the room I started yelling that there was a ton of pressure and please someone come check what was happening.  I was at a ten and ready to go.  The doctor came in and they got out the lovely wide stirrups that make you more exposed than anything imaginable.  I started pushing right away, but could tell that my pushes didn't feel very effective.  After a couple minutes the doc said that Aidia was faced sideways instead of face down.  Very carefully he put both hands in and spun her head as I pushed (not pleasant.)  We did that a few times and once she was face down it was much easier to feel effective pushes.  Her heart rate suddenly dropped very low, like into the 50s.  The doctor calmly told me not to push through the next few contractions to let baby recover.  I was given oxygen to help her.  Once her heart rate came back up I started pushing again, and as she crowned the cord was around her neck.  My doctor carefully slipped it over her head.  A few more pushes and she was born!  It was such an emotional moment for me.  She was so perfect and beautiful.  And super purple.

After they rubbed her for a few minutes they took her to the warmer and had the respiratory therapist come in.  She sounded like she was struggling to breathe and cry.  She kept grunting and it was a scary sound for me to listen to.  They took her to the NICU to get her on CPAP right away, and Kevin went with her.  After Jack was born I pretty much just passed out- but with Aidia's birth I was not very aware of myself at all and was totally focused on her well being.  I hated that she had to leave me right away before I could really hold or feed her- but I wanted her to go because her breathing was terrifying to me.

The good news was that I didn't need a single stitch.  Talk about a miracle.  You pretty much just plan for stitches after childbirth.  Since Jack was 9lb 4oz and she was 7lb 10oz, it helped a lot.  It was way less painful when she was actually born- despite the small tears I had.  Once Aidia and Kevin were gone, the nurse pushed on my belly and noticed I was still bleeding way too much.  They gave me 4 nasty chalky bitter pills to chew to help with the bleeding- and continued the pitocin to keep the contractions going.  Within 30 minutes I was shaking uncontrollably.  The medicine helped control the bleeding but I felt like I was having a seizure.  My teeth were chattering so hard I thought I was going to bite my tongue off.  I couldn't use my hands because they were shaking so badly.  After an hour the shakes were getting worse instead of better.  I felt like I had the worst flu or fever.  I don't remember ever feeling so cold.  Eventually after an hour or two they gave me something in my IV to help the shaking.  I was super emotional because I didn't have my husband or my baby with me and I felt like total crap.  Luckily I had my mom and my best friend there.  They were super supportive through that misery.  Eventually the medicine started working- warming me up and calming the "seizing."  They were able to get me up and clean up some of the bleeding and take me down to the postpartum unit.

in the NICU

It was still several hours until Aidia was stable enough to come back to me.  By then my mom and best friend had gone home, so it was just Kevin and I.  I was too anxious to sleep while we waited to see her, and I was desperate to feed her thinking how hungry she must be.  While in the NICU she got a CPAP to help her breathing, and an IV to help thin her blood a bit- she had turned beat red from there being too many red blood cells (or something like that.)  Once she cleared the NICU she was taken to the nursery for her evaluation and bath, glucose tests etc.  They wheeled me down to be with her while they did that and washed her off a bit.  It was just ecstasy to be there with her and stare at her.  She was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen.

She was a super frantic nurser once I got to feed her because she was so hungry, which made for a hard time latching.  We didn't sleep much that first day we had her back with us.  We eventually put a catheter in her mouth while she was trying to latch and put some formula through it.  That way she could get something in her tummy to calm down and still learn to feed from mom.  Once she was full she did much better at nursing the next few times.

The next day we learned that her bilirubin levels were in the high risk zone, and she spent that day under the bili lights to fight the jaundice.  I was still able to nurse her, but she needed additional supplementation to get enough fluids until my full milk came in.  Luckily she did good with both.  I was recovering ok- the after pains were really intense.  The doctor said it was likely because this was my 8th pregnancy, and I had contractions and after pains with every miscarriage, not just with Jack's birth (they tend to get worse every time.)  I also passed a clot that was nearly the size of my foot the first time that I took a shower, and that was not a fun experience.

During all this excitement, Kevin got a wonderful phone call and found out that he had been selected for the job he wanted.  Basically his dream job right out of school!  So much excitement and stress at the same time!  He started that job today.  Currently it's an hour and a half away which means for very long days for him (and for me being home without him.)  It also means we'll be moving within the next 6 weeks.  I've been struggling to find a school who will accept Jack that we can afford.  Since he is halfway through kindergarten already and I don't want him starting over in the fall!  I'm hoping something will work out, but it has been making me sick to my stomach.  He's on a first grade curriculum/ 2nd grade reading level and I can't imagine him starting over NEXT fall in regular half day kindergarten.  I'm praying lots for him that we can find a school for our gifted boy.  Why not do everything at once?  Graduate from doctorate school, new baby, new job, move, try to find a new school...etc.  All good things though.

Jack meeting Aidia

Back to the birth story...although we thought she would have to stay in the hospital, her blood test came back good enough that we were able to come home the night of Christmas Eve!! That was so special.  My joy is so full there are literally no words.  I love her so much that it hurts!  She is so worth everything we went through.  Every procedure and injection and gut-wrenching miscarriage.  I'm glad I clung to every tiny hope that seemed so unrealistic.  I want to give my past self a big hug and say keep going!

Coming home outfit

Hanni kids on Christmas Eve

Aidia is the sweetest baby!  Even as a newborn her personality is very different from Jack and how he was as a newborn.  She is so mild.  She hates getting her bum cleaned (which is unfortunate because she has a dirty diaper almost constantly.)  Having a newborn is hard and being a week postpartum is hard.  Tears have been shed.  But I am so happy.  My mom is here to help me and that's a relief!  Plus as of today I've lost 17 pounds since the delivery!!!  Now I weigh ten pounds less than I did when I got pregnant!  Jack is also the best big brother.  I had prepared myself for meltdowns and tantrums and attention-seeking behavior but he has been nothing but helpful and sweet.  He is so smitten with his sister.  Puppy has also been good.  He hasn't been aggressive or anything towards her.  He is very curious and really wants to "taste" her head before we snap at him.  He also sits on my lap every time I nurse her to remind me that he is also my baby.

Christmas Day 2016

Best Present Ever

There are lots of big events coming up for us, but I am trying to soak in every moment.  Every cuddle and every time I get to breastfeed her.  Every new thing she does.  It goes by so fast!  I'm so thankful to my Heavenly Father for bringing my daughter safely into this world.  Thank you all for supporting us!

Present from big brother

.

 

Rainbow Baby!

 

Today- 8 days old:

39 week update

Surprise! I'm still pregnant!  My doctors were surprised I didn't go into full labor this past week, and thus I was also surprised.  Even so, I am really grateful we have made it here.  I've been concerned about going full term because I've been afraid that baby's health would start to decline.  This stubborn and strong little girl is still healthy, and has been happy to stay put and keep growing until the last minute.  It truly is a blessing- she will do so much better after birth being full term.

With my induction being scheduled tomorrow, my emotions are all over the place.  I'm anxious and impatient, and yet time today is speeding by.  I am especially thinking a lot about my Jack Jack today.  His last day as an only child.  For more than 5 years he has been my only baby at home and has been my light and joy.  I know that adding a child will only grow the love in our family- but it is surreal to think about!  I hope I can give Jack the attention that he needs and make sure he doesn't feel pushed to the side at all.

It's also crazy to think about the fact that it's my last day being pregnant.  I'm not planning on Aidia being our last baby- but I have learned never to take the future for granted!  You never know!  I hope we wouldn't ever have another miscarriage- but it wouldn't surprise me.  I'm just trying to soak in the joy of today and take the whole pregnancy experience in.

This week was rough- despite all the good things.  It was really exhausting.

Wednesday night- I had contractions from 730pm until past midnight.  After that, they slowed down just enough to wake me up about once an hour.  I felt like I got run over by a truck when I woke up.  My pelvis was so sore and my back was killing me.  I was wishing my water would break so I could be admitted to the hospital and help the contractions get a little more rhythmic and productive.  The next day I went for several little walks to try and help move baby into a better position and get things going- but mostly the pressure was just super intense.

I only had two hours of contractions on Thursday night, which turned out to be a good thing, because we ended up going to a lunch as a family so Kevin could interview for a job.  This job came out of nowhere and is basically his dream job (hopefully I'll be able to post more details soon if he lands it!)  We heard about it Friday morning, and were already meeting with the owner of the clinic by lunch!  It was a good thing we weren't in the hospital at that point.  We both felt really good about the job.

Saturday morning I was up by 5am.  I couldn't sleep through the pain and pressure and lots of back pain.  Contractions were still just coming and going, so I was trying to get them to let up so I could sleep.  We were kind of miserable anyway because we've both had a chest cold this week.  By 7am I was overcome with emotion and crying because things kept starting and stopping.  I felt like I couldn't deal with it anymore!

Here I am with five days to go!

The sweetest gift for my girl we received this week! So snuggly and soft and perfect.  I think I'll do her growth pictures with this.

Saturday, contractions started again, only much more painful.  They stayed at five minutes apart for about 45 minutes, and as soon as I get out the app to start timing them, they spread to 12 minutes apart.  Eventually I was able to sleep.  They started again that night.

By late that night the contractions were painful and consistently five minutes apart.  I wanted to wait to make sure before going to the hospital.  We waited five hours before I finally called my brother and we headed to Labor and Delivery.  By the time we got to the hospital, they were 3 minutes apart.  They checked my cervix when we arrived, and then at 1 hour and 2 hours later.  They said unfortunately it wasn't changing fast enough to be considered active labor, and I would have to go home instead of being admitted.  The offered me a shot of morphine in the butt to help me get through the night- but that sounded scary for baby to me, so I declined and we went home upset and disappointed around 2am.  The nurse told me I was in early labor and hopefully by breakfast time it would be full labor (no luck.)  She said since the contractions were timed at 3-5 minutes apart, I would have to wait and use intensity to know when to come back in, when the pain was rated at 8-9.  At this point I hoped everything would just stop until my induction so we could get some rest.

I had to remind myself that Aidia knows when her birthday should be!  I was frustrated and embarrassed that my body couldn't seem to quite do what it was supposed to.  Being stuck in early labor for a week is terrible.

Yesterday I had my last NST and appointment.  The doctor said I was at a 3 and labor could start any time (I stopped believing that haha.)  He said the induction was on the schedule for Thursday (tomorrow) and since it was considered more medical than elective, hopefully they wouldn't have any trouble getting me in.  Apparently it's been a very busy week.  Aghhhh.  If they can't get me in for the induction I might actually die.  

I've been reflecting back on this pregnancy this morning and am in awe at how blessed I've been.  I'm thankful that so many have been able to witness this amazing miracle.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cNFx_5VRW9E&feature=share

I've been listening to the song "Adia"- the name is spelled different here but sounds the same- and thinking about how much it has meant to me over the past several years.  I can't believe our dreams are coming true!  Somebody pinch me!

A look back at this difficult, yet amazing year!

Last belly picture!