I have to start off with some of our Fall 2024 family pix- I can’t believe how fast the kids are growing.
I had the realization that I need to trust my body. The same way I trust my heart to beat and perfuse my body. The way I trust it to fight infection. To clean my blood. To breathe in and out. All these things we just take for granted; but I see so many patients that have sick organs, and can’t believe my body does so much innately. I realize how much intelligence our bodies hold and I have to trust it. It knows what to do.
October rolled around, and wouldn’t you know it, I woke up nauseated in the middle of the night. I tested that morning, 4 days before my period was even due. Positive. Was the nausea always this bad this fast or am I just old now? My due date is in June. Please be healthy little one; I wish I had more control over the outcome.
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| 3 weeks 3 days |
This is our last baby. With a due date in June, Aidia will be 8 and Jack only a few months from turning 14. That means Jack would be in college when this baby starts kindergarten. I don’t think we want a spread further than that, especially with my health issues. At some point we need to move forward from this phase of life. I know there’s lots more life to live. I hope with all my heart this baby makes it. My tenth pregnancy. My perfect 10.
It’s such a relief that I conceived. I don’t think I could have survived endless months of trying after 5 years of tests, biopsies, and waiting. The process of starting/stopping meds each month, gaining weight on said meds, and having emotions all over the place felt like too much. Now it’s for real and I can just focus on baby.
The worry started right away. When I told Kevin I’m pregnant, the first thing he realized was he will be across the country for a conference next week, leaving me for a good long stretch right in my most vulnerable period. I wish we were a little less jaded.
I worried about work right away too. It’s going to stress my body out so much to work full time nights. I have to do my best to recognize that everything will be fine if the baby is healthy. I’ll try to focus on resting as much as I can during the day. It’s been very hard to get any consistent stretches of sleep without my meds. Insomnia is one thing, but pain wakes me up now too. I may have overestimated my ability to go cold turkey off some of these meds. I was taking a pretty low dose of gabapentin, a sixth of what I used to take daily, but nights without it are a real misery. I’m trying to use magnesium in every form. Pills, lotion, epsom salt. Anything to keep my bones and muscles more content and keep the pain at bay. I’m not an effective nurse when I can’t focus through the pain. I might have to stay on a very small dose and try to titrate off later on.
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I’m trying to take myself out of the headspace where I have been the last several years, in the realm of “I know too much.” I’m just giving it to my doctors and I’m going to basically try blindly trusting them. If they want to get a follow up blood draw after x number of days instead of y number of days, I’m just going to say ok and not worry about it. They’ve been treating complicated fertility for decades and I just need to let myself trust their decisions to make it through this. I will drive myself sick with worry otherwise.
I want to soak it in, smile, and feel the joy of being pregnant. It’s been five and a half years since I was last pregnant; it’s a miracle and a blessing all in itself. I just love this little thing so much already. Please be healthy. I really am so scared.
I think a lot of my fear plays into my identity and how I envisioned my life at a certain age. All the things I want the most. I wonder where it leaves me if it doesn’t work out. How would I find peace and contentment? Happiness? I would never judge someone for willingly choosing not to have children, let alone for life circumstances that are well beyond their control. I would never think less of a mother who has one child or two, no matter the reasons. And yet I feel such harsh judgment and some sort of pain from deep within me- the way I feel about myself if this baby doesn't survive and then I have to be done. This subconscious belief is making its way forward and I realize so much of my worth is tied up in being able to do this. I've done everything humanly possible. And another part of me just wants that joy so badly. I want to experience motherhood one more time in my mid 30s.
It feels like a very shallow and somewhat selfish world view. There are so many huge problems in the world I could dedicate myself to instead of getting completely absorbed with my own wishes, desires, and family. Even though I was only 26 when she was born, I knew there was a chance that Aidia would be my last baby. But deep down, I didn't believe it. Now that I'm pregnant and all those fears are back, I’m realizing how scared I am. What if this is when I find out Aidia was my last live birth and she's already nearly 8? I'm not sure how to cope with that.
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4 weeks- beta test day. This blood work always makes me so anxious, waiting for those numbers. Pending results still make me a basket case. This feeling is for the birds. I don't miss this part. I just want to get past the next couple weeks. It’s too bad my insurance coverage changed; it’s terrible timing to be out of therapy.
Five days into this adventure and my numbers look better than I’ve ever seen them this early! My hCG is at 315.5 at 4 weeks on the dot. Progesterone is all the way at 36 so I don’t have to supplement! It reassured me that baby is healthy so far. I’ll keep doing all I can to keep them that way.
We were so excited to learn that Kevin earned the two of us a three day cruise in March through work. Then we learned that the cruise won’t accept anyone past 23 weeks, which I would be. The timing is ironic- but I would much rather have a healthy babe than go on a cruise. I have the rest of my life to do that.
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| These little bastards. They hurt so much and I hate the bruising. But if they keep us healthy I’ll take it. |
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It's hard to be on blood thinners because even microscopic spotting terrifies me and is very triggering. Any time I see a tinge of pink that could maybe lead to spotting, waves of numbness crash over me and I feel my body shutting down. I’ve been through that too many times. Cramping is normal and necessary as the uterus grows, but it makes me nervous too. Can’t win. I get nervous with it and without it.
I dread the night. I toss and turn with pain and wake up every hour or so. I keep googling meds I could take as if it's changed in the past hour. I'm racked with guilt when finally at 4 in the morning I give my shot nerves a little taste of the med they're dependent on to function. It still takes another 90 minutes to work at all. I know some people stay on their meds an entire pregnancy and everything is fine. It’s hard to imagine doing that because I don’t feel like my risks are average to start with. My OB said to stay on this very small dose until I see her later on.
It makes me so nervous to see the spots showing up from my flare up. That telltale rash crawling up my feet and legs. I don't want to have any kind of autoimmune reaction at all. I don’t want antibodies circulating. But it's no surprise I'm flaring up. All I can do is rest as much as possible.
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Beta follow up day. It's such a heavy moment; waiting for those results. To see if the baby still looks healthy or if this part of motherhood is coming to a close for me. I feel pregnant. I feel like everything is ok.
A true miracle- the hCG more than tripled! It came back at 1182 at 4 weeks +3. After that result, I left the fertility clinic to go to the OB office and get established with them for this pregnancy. They wanted more labs too, of course. I’m a pin cushion lately, but it’s a small price to pay. With my risks they do want me to switch my provider to an MD soon instead of a nurse midwife. I will be doing the early diabetes testing this time around since I had gestational diabetes with Aidia. They scheduled me out for several appointments and ultrasounds. I just hope we make it that far. It's psychological warfare.
I know I have to reduce physical stress. I timidly wrote my managers (of only 3 months) to look into going down to part time. Insurance costs would increase a lot, but I think all things considered, it’s going to be what I need. It stresses me out to try and change things at work, but it stresses me out more to overdo it- even if I’m new at this job.
I should try to stop reading the research about how working nights increases the risk of miscarriage. By 23% according to one study. I know I’m not getting enough sleep. If I manage to sleep 4 or 5 hours in between shifts- that’s pretty good without meds. It’s just really scary for me.
It’s a different kind of patience waiting through the days to find out if your baby is still okay. But I’m doing my best.
I obviously have been trying to keep this under wraps from the kids, as the risk is so high. Imagine my surprise when Aidia slid this note under my door! I thought kids lived in their own little world? But her intuition as a 7 year old is stunning. I certainly didn’t tell her I’ve been sick, but I’m sure I just look green.
I survived the nervousness waiting for my first ultrasound to make sure the pregnancy is intrauterine. They wanted to check at 5 weeks + 2 days (based on my positive ovulation test). And everything looked perfect! Measuring at 5 weeks + 4 days. It’s so surreal.
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| Perfection. A really healthy implantation and yolk sac. |
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| Lovenox bruising |
I’m planning to meet with my manager and try to spread out my schedule each week so at least I’m not working so many nights in a row.
I’m definitely overwhelmed. Paid maternity leave benefits become available after a year of full time work. I thought that they counted seniority starting with the time I worked for IHC previously, but it’s not looking that way. I’m due 8 days before my year mark. And that probably means the baby would be born 2 weeks before I would qualify. Which would also mean working right up until I deliver. Frankly, I feel too old for that.
I feel like a flake more and more. I bought tickets in January for my brother and I to go to a concert, and I just didn't have it in me. I am absolutely sick and exhausted, but in the best possible way.
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I can't go into detail, but Jack’s mood disorder has reared its head in the worst possible way. He's been so much better for years and now, at this timing, I'm sick to my stomach with what we've been dealing with. I'm numb with the amount of stress it causes to think about. How can I bring a new baby home to the unstable environment that's created with mental illness? I so often feel like I'm failing.
When we realized the extent of how he’s struggling, I felt a dread and a numbness creep over me. I thought we were stable. In a sense it became a blessing, suddenly the worry of working full time seemed like small potatoes. I realize the amount of therapy and treatment we will need to pay for Jack this year. The appointments and meds. And suddenly it was a non issue. I'll do it because I have to. The baby will have to be strong enough to make it through and so will I. I have to take care of all my kids.
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I ended up telling Aidia. I hope it's not a mistake but I'm so freaking sick in the morning it makes no sense to keep fibbing about it. Her face LIT UP realizing she was right. I tried to explain the risks but her joy permeates everything. I remember when I was her age, my mom showed me a positive pregnancy test right after she took it. It meant my little sister was on the way! It’s such a special memory that she shared that moment with me the very moment she found out. I wanted to give Aidia a memory like that too- she deserved it after figuring it out! The baby just has to stay healthy at this point. Has to.
Jack was really happy about the baby, but said he didn’t want to get too excited just in case. I totally understand that, bud.
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Today we saw little peanut and heard a perfect heartbeat! I’m so thrilled that nothing seems to be getting this baby down! Measuring about six and a half weeks. The unfortunate news is that I have another subchorionic hemorrhage. I had one with Aidia as well. They want me to try and take it easy and I'll probably be stopping the lovenox shots. Right now the bleed isn't affecting the baby so we're just hoping it stays that way.
My fertility clinic is on board with me stopping injections. My OB wants me to continue them. It’s such a frustrating place to be. SCHs are scary, but in the end, the decision is going to lie with me. When the same thing happened with Aidia, my OB wanted me to continue aspirin and lovenox and maternal fetal medicine said to stop them. I compromised and stayed just on aspirin until delivery, but it was stressful worrying if I chose wrong. I feel like I should stop the lovenox even with those transient APS antibodies because in addition to aspirin, it's quite a bit of prophylactic anticoagulation since I've never had an actual clot. Knowing that the APS antibodies showed up on a test makes me nervous- I know late term loss or stillbirth is a risk with it. The risk of a growing bleed feels like a bigger risk to me right now than clotting. I might side with my empirical evidence on this one. I’m just going to have to do my best. It’s going to eat at me until next week, when I can try and talk it though at the OB office.
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| Cute little peanut and heartbeat! |
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| Graduated from the fertility clinic! |
