Seems Too Good To Be True (Weeks 10-16)

Weeks 10-11:

I cannot wait for that "second trimester energy" to hopefully show up in a month or so. I have so many projects to work on and I am dog tired all the time. I still struggle to accept that I’m having a baby. It seems too good to be true. Deep down, I wonder if I embrace it, maybe the worst will happen.

I had my blood drawn at 10 weeks for genetic testing and results took about a week to come back. They were emailed to me at about 330am, when I happened to be on my lunch break at work. I was alone in the break room, so I took the quiet moment to review the results.

I was in absolute shock! Not only am I getting the girl I hoped for, she's healthy. No chromosomal problems identified out of those that were tested. Since many newborns I care for at work are affected by these things, it felt even more unlikely! 

I wanted to tell Kevin in a cute way that we are having a girl, so I bought a little pink outfit with flowers and wrapped it up in a present for him to unwrap. He opened it with an excited smile- then I saw a frantic type of look as he asked me, “I’m so sorry, what is it?!” Kevin is color blind and saw the outfit as white, black, and green- and couldn’t figure out what that meant! A surprisingly fun memory. 

The little gender reveal posts I put on social media were met with so much excitement and support from loved ones. I just kept thinking, “Please keep praying for this sweet baby girl everyone, we have a long way to go.”

As you can see in the video, Aidia is beside herself with joy. She told me, “I’ve wanted to be a middle child for so long.” Hahaha. She has also decided that she should be in 7th grade because, “It took me five years to be born.”

I’ve really been struggling with Jack’s mood disorder. Nothing makes me sick to my stomach in quite the same way as his mental health episodes do. There’s no manual for this and I struggle to understand how to respond appropriately. It is deeply distressing. It’s so painful to watch a child struggle. Sometimes it seems the more we try to help, the worse it gets. (And yes, we attend therapy with him, and have for over 7 years). How am I going to help him become independent? How will I ensure he’s safe when he isn’t supervised all the time? To think of being blessed with this brand new little life to nourish sometimes will suddenly terrify me- because how can I also take care of my son? What if I have already failed him? He was doing really when Kevin and I were doing fertility treatments, but has declined since then. That’s the thing with mental health- it ebbs and flows. 

Am I up for all the challenges of parenting a teenager? The idea itself kind of paralyzes me. It’s overwhelming, and I will need to do it with a newborn. Aidia will be solidly in middle childhood. I feel all over the place.

I'm starting to feel those little butterfly flutters of baby’s movements. Thank goodness. I can't wait for them to get stronger. I never want to endure a first trimester and all its anxiety again. The movements are slight and intermittent, but they are there.

Thanksgiving 2024

We started going through the limited baby supplies that we kept in storage. One of my favorites is the woombie, which looks like a little bed that I like to lay the baby on if they are on the floor playing. It’s one of the few things I’ve had since Jack was born (highly recommend!) My cats have never used any kind of cat bed. Ever. Won’t go near one. The second this made an appearance, they won’t sit anywhere else! Gus and Merlin want to assure me that THEY are the babies.

Some tough honesty: every time I come to work I just want to quit. I feel like my heart just isn't in it right now. I just feel too awful all of the time. I know working full time nights is too much on me. I can feel it all the way through my bones. I’m so desperate, and I wish management would allow me to go part time instead of saying stay full time or quit.

I often drive home sobbing. Sometimes I can't see out of one of my eyes from a migraine. I leave my house around 530pm and usually make it home by 820am, and it is an absolute marathon. I hit a breaking point, while trying to safely finish my commute. I was trying not to throw up while driving on the busy freeway and wondered WHAT AM I DOING?! 

Every time I hit the point where I decide I just have to quit, I worry how we would survive without my income. And especially without my insurance! I go round and round with hypotheticals. I think about getting a different job or staying home, but I always seem to encounter some barrier that feels impossible. Deep down I'm terrified that I'm risking my baby to keep working like this. That’s gotta be the PTSD from all the previous losses, but it’s still a very real struggle. 

I’m so sad. I never wanted to leave the NICU. I just don’t know what to do. What’s more stressful? Burning it at both ends during a high risk pregnancy, or financial stress and pressure? I really don't want to give up this job. I worked for years and years to make it here. I’ve split up my shifts through the week as much as possible (trying not to work 3 nights in a row) but even when I’m home for a few days in between shifts, I’m just trying to recover. The pain and fatigue of a flare up lasts for days, and without meds, I feel like I (almost) recover just in time to go back to work. 

Weeks 12-13

I ended up calling the HR department in desperation, wondering if they had any ideas of how I could continue working in my current circumstances. They seemed surprised that my manager wouldn’t let me change to part time (it’s a unit policy, not a company or hospital one). I explained I’m not trying to take leave where I would get paid for hours not worked, I only want to reduce my hours. 

They were very helpful. They explained there was a type of intermittent FMLA that they could file for me under the Pregnant Workers Fairness Act, if a physician filled out paperwork stating I could not be scheduled for more than 24 hours per week. My health struggles come from not being able to manage my chronic conditions with medications due to pregnancy- not necessarily the pregnancy itself. But in the end, pregnancy is the major contributing factor. The nature of the job puts a lot of strain on everyone, with the lack of sleep and long hours. I think it really exacerbates the nerve pain, migraines, and exhaustion. I can’t switch to day shifts because Kevin still leaves for work early in the morning and gets home after dinner time; I wouldn’t have anyone to take kids to school, pick them up, etc.  
HR did mention that if I take this type of leave to reduce my hours, it could impact my maternity leave. I may only qualify for 6 weeks instead of 12. However, I’m already thinking I won’t qualify for paid leave, and I’ll just cross that bridge when I get there. Because this is not sustainable. 

I feel so guilty about all of this. I have a good job, in my chosen field, with good benefits. How many people are struggling through 2 or 3 miserable jobs to make ends meet? I feel too needy. Kevin says I should have married a sugar daddy. 

I’m so happy to be 3 months and getting close to leaving the most dangerous weeks behind. I’ve definitely had moments of panic. I cleaned out the closet all day, nothing crazy, but lots of folding and bending, moving totes and bags. I was 12 weeks + 3 days, and when I finished cleaning I started spotting. First time seeing blood this pregnancy and it was absolutely terrifying. Why does bleeding only ever happen at 5pm on a Friday?! I probably overdid it. After an anxious night, I was thankful that there was no sign of bleeding the next day. There was still a strong heartbeat on the Doppler. 

I’ve been trying not to splurge on any expensive baby stuff. The third time around, I feel like I know what’s an actual need and what is just extra stuff taking up space. That being said, I just had to get a minky blanket for my new little one. I almost went and bought one as an act of faith once we found out we were expecting, but I decided to wait until we knew boy or girl, because this might actually become a special baby blanket. This one felt absolutely perfect! Especially because we know what we are naming her! 

Ivy Laine Hanni. I have loved the name Ivy since I was 17 years old. Unfortunately for me, that name has skyrocketed in popularity in the past ten years, but I remember writing it down as a teenager so I have claim to it! The Greek origin of the name Laine means: ”Shining/Brilliant.” Ivy Laine is sophisticated and feminine, and I like that it hints at wordplay like “ivy lane.” An absolutely gorgeous name for a miracle girl. It took Kevin a few weeks to decide if that’s the middle name he wanted but we decided it suits her better than anything else could.

13 weeks + 1 day

My 13 week check up went well- they didn’t see any residual bleeding. Baby had her hands up by her mouth a lot and was moving around constantly! I was told I might have another anterior placenta which can make it hard to feel some of baby’s movements (I was really hoping that wouldn’t happen, a little reassurance goes so far these days). 

I walked in to that OB appointment armed with the FMLA paperwork from HR for the Pregnant Workers Fairness Act. I tried to quickly explain how and why work was feeling so impossible. Why it was not sustainable. They refused to sign the paperwork, saying “pregnancy is not a disability” and if it was that bad, I might just have to quit. They said my issues sounded more like fibromyalgia management due to being pregnant, not the pregnancy itself (which I agree with). Because of that, they said the office did not want to be responsible for signing the paperwork and hopefully my neurologist or family practice doctor would sign instead if I really needed it. 

I totally understood the OB’s point of view. But being told, “you might just have to quit” was a bit much emotionally. I had to sit in the car and cry for a few minutes. I've been making as many sacrifices as I can but I'm still only human. I do have a limit. But I'm so worried about losing any financial stability. Reducing hours was the only compromise I could think of and it didn’t seem likely.

I had an appointment later with my primary doctor, who has helped me manage fibromyalgia along with my neurologist. I anxiously rehearsed my pitch in the car. It really wasn’t necessary, my doctor understood my dilemma without needing to be convinced and immediately filled out the paperwork. I about collapsed from gratitude. After the initial relief, I felt guilt wash over me. I am trying to be a good employee, and a good nurse. 

Later, when I went back and read the medical notes from my OB appointment, it said I was asking for reduced work hours due to depression!! What?! Did you listen to anything I said? I’ve been working full time nights for years! The reason I’m not surviving full time nights is due to pain and neuropathy/ other complications of fibromyalgia that I cannot manage without meds. Not feeling depressed! It's pain. I wake Kevin up in the night because I shake so bad in my sleep. 

I hope this was a typo or oversight and not really what the doctor thought. If she believed I was depressed, she should have at least screened me. The word was never mentioned.

Weeks 14-15:

Hello second trimester! I am so thrilled to be here! I still can’t believe my “Hail Mary” is working out. I’m so glad I didn’t give up on my deepest dream. It took me a couple years of therapy to decide I was brave enough to take that chance and try one last time. We said whatever will be, will be. I said the tenth baby would be the last. And here I am to witness this amazing moment! I can’t believe it. 

One thing I was looking forward to in the second trimester was my scheduled private ultrasound. Businesses like these can make all the difference to an anxious mom navigating pregnancy after loss. Everything felt worth it when seeing these pictures and videos (and they confirmed she is still a girl!)

14 Weeks

I treasure this little moment! Sucking her thumb at 14 weeks

Sometimes I cry so hard when I get home from work, it feels almost uncontrollable. Like my body is begging me to figure something else out. Don't you understand this economy, body? We’ve found a way to make life work before with less money coming in, but the older the kids get the more expensive they get! Jack eats through my whole fridge every night, like a healthy teenage boy. Aidia starts phase one braces in a couple weeks. I would wait, but she’s missing entire permanent teeth (like the adult teeth just don’t exist under her gums) so we need to start working on her alignment and bite. I’m confident that nothing helpful is happening with student loans in 2025.  Maybe eventually I’ll find a closer job. This commute is adding so much time to my long shifts. 

I’m going to push through as much work as I can, and hopefully manage to save a little money. I really want to stay home for Ivy’s first year, if at all possible. We both deserve that after this long journey. She’s my last baby and I want that time with her, even if it puts us backwards financially.

Once I hit 15 weeks, my HR request was still processing. It had been almost two weeks, which was a lot longer than I was told to expect. I realized it was probably going to be after the holidays before approval went through. HR told me to call out sick once a week to help keep me within the recommended hours, and that they would retroactively forgive the sick calls once leave processed. As a type A personality and general rule follower, it was hard for me to call out for those shifts. It felt like I was breaking rules or slacking off. Eventually, approval came. Management wants me to submit an addendum to allow for education hours. It’s a lot of hoops to jump through, but it’s going to be worth it to be able to continue working. 

Hard to believe my first rainbow baby turned 8 years old!

Aidia’s Baptism

I was thankful to celebrate the holidays this year. I was actually off work for Christmas AND Christmas Eve, which has not happened in years. We had a fun celebration for Aidia’s 8th birthday and her baptism after the start of the new year was a wonderful event. We certainly have lots to look forward to in this new year!

Christmas 2024

I was so thankful to make it to the 4 month mark. Each month carries some relief in it, though I know there’s no true safe point. I wish I could forget that fact. Someone asked me if the pregnancy was going by quickly since I have two kids to care for on top of work…

It's going by SO slowly. Because it's scary nearly every agonizing moment. I just don’t think there is a way to escape that with my history. I am doing my absolute best to enjoy and appreciate this blessing! I know this is the last time and I am trying to soak in every moment. I’m now in my 17th week and am thankful to feel Ivy move around a bit more! Not sure exactly when my next update will be posted on here, but I hope it’s all good news!

Keep defying the odds, Rainbow!

My last blog post was a little bit of a cliffhanger, as we were trying to figure out how to treat the subchorionic hemorrhage. My whole life feels a bit like a cliffhanger! I’m sure pregnancy after loss always feels like that. My OB office called and basically recommended continuing Lovenox injections unless vaginal bleeding became “too heavy.” Yikes. I was not comfortable with that at all. I told them I was going to discontinue the injections and would discuss it with them in person the following week. It is always really hard to be brave enough to make my own healthcare decisions. I worry about being wrong, but also worry that if something goes wrong with the baby I will blame myself and the decisions I made. 

Thankfully, I didn’t have to wait too long for my first OB appointment. At that time I had been off Lovenox for about a week, and wouldn’t you know it, the ultrasound showed the bleed had resolved! I felt like the luckiest person in the world! I worried about the SCH with Aidia for months as the bleeding would start and stop. It’s really a miracle I haven’t had any episodes of bleeding or spotting with this pregnancy!

My doctor was not outright concerned about me continuing to work full time, at least not medically. I needed reassurance that it won’t harm the baby if I continue my night shifts, because I’m not sure what else I can work out right now. Baby’s heartbeat looked perfect and they decided to stick with a due date of June 17th. 

My OB also recommended I start progesterone supplementation to help with the transition to the placenta being the main support for baby. So I will be taking some extra hormones through Week 13.  I left that appointment walking on air- it’s so surreal that I might actually get the happy ending I’ve been dreaming of for so many years.

I felt great and reassured, until anxiety crept back in. I looked at the report from my appointment and saw that baby was measuring 7 weeks by ultrasound instead of 7 +2, which is where I should have been by my dates. I was especially worried when I remembered I had measured at 5 +4 when by dates I was about 5 +1. Did that mean that growth was slowing down? I told myself repeatedly that there had to be some variability in measurements when the baby is that small. Also, these ultrasounds were done on different machines, in different offices, by different providers. I did a little research about variations in CRL measurements, and tried to convince myself that everything was just fine. I know the doctor would have brought it up if growth looked off. Worry is part of being a recurrent loss mom and I just need to find a way to sit with it. The greater the length of time between appointments, the harder it becomes to control my anxiety and feel that everything with the baby is okay.

7 week ultrasound- cute little peanut, and that circle is the yolk sac!

The crummy news came that I failed my 1 hour glucose tolerance screen. I did the test at 7 weeks since I had gestational diabetes with Aidia. Gestational diabetes is such a crazy thing that happens! After Aidia was born, I continually had my A1C checked, and I have never been anywhere close to pre-diabetes. Something about being pregnant just turns my pancreas off. It’s especially difficult to do these screening tests in the first trimester. People struggle keeping the glucola drink down at 28 weeks, but combined with morning sickness it is a different beast. 

The failed test meant I needed to do the 3 hour test, which includes: fasting for 12 hours, driving to the hospital, fasting blood draw, drinking the glucola, then getting 3 more blood draws at 1, 2 , and 3 hours. They keep you in the lab in case you get super sick- it’s the worst way to spend a day off. I had a hard time not throwing up on my drive to the hospital from the fasting alone. To my dismay, the glucola had twice as much sugar as the 1 hour test, and I had half as long to drink it. They set a five minute timer and watched me struggle to get it down. I had a sudden flashback of watching Fear Factor. If you throw up at any point, the whole test doesn’t count. At least I got several good sticks in my arms before we had to move on to my hands.

I felt sure I had failed the 3 hour tolerance test, until I was driving away from the hospital and suddenly became so ill I had to pull over. I was shaking, sweating, seeing spots, ears were ringing. I recognized my symptoms as being more in line with hypoglycemia and I was right! My blood sugar was already incredibly low when they drew the last blood test. I didn’t know it at the time, but the fasting must have caught up with me once I processed the sugar. That crash was no joke. Next time, I’ll take protein with me to the hospital to eat before driving away. Since I passed, I don’t have to test again until 28 weeks! Unfortunately, I do have to start with the 3 hour test again at that time, but I’m very happy not to be doing finger sticks up to that point. 

I am really struggling with chronic fatigue. Not just like being sleepy from working nights, but having to sit down and take breaks in between every little task. Part of it I’m sure is just from being in the first trimester. I think part of it is from chronic pain- it’s become obvious to me how much my meds were helping me survive day to day life. When you are always sending (and trying to ignore) pain signals, it really wears you down. 

For example, daylight savings just about killed me (and probably most night shift nurses). 13.5 hours at the hospital and a 40 minute drive each way. By the time I got home in the morning, I stumbled into the house and into immediate sobs. Interrupted only by retching. What an embarrassing sight! The sickness and absolute exhaustion of staying up all night while pregnant feels nearly impossible to muscle through sometimes. I just want to make it out of this first trimester.

It feels harder and harder to be a grown up. Everything gets more complicated. The needs of your children get more complicated. Your career demands more of you. Family, immediate and extended, needs more intricate help. Finances continue to spread thinner. I heard Tom Hanks in an interview the other day, talking about how impossible your mid 30s are and I felt so validated!! He said, "Look, I'm 68 years old, the hardest for us was when we were playing 35. That time where your metabolism stops, gravity starts tearing you down, your bones start wearing off, you stand differently — I think I'm in better shape now. You know why? Because my kids are grown up, I'm getting decent exercise, and I can eat right. You can't do that when you're 35. Life is such a burden!" Thanks, Tom Hanks!

We all know parenting teenagers is really hard- maybe impossible. I feel like I'm doing the splits trying to be a good mom to a teenager (who is probably going to hate me half the time regardless) and growing a brand new baby at the same time. Meanwhile, Aidia has been planning her room and how she would share it with a nursery. I love her sweet ideas and thoughtfulness. She asked for a mini fridge so if the baby wakes up in the night she could "give it milk." It’s so nice that in the midst of life’s chaos, this little growing miracle reminds me daily of what matters most. This week she made a “bib” and a ”hooded towel” out of Kleenex and staples for the baby. Every day I see her excitement and planning and think “I cannot lose this baby. I cannot take this away from her.”

At 8 weeks and 4 days I found baby’s heartbeat on the home doppler! It was quiet but unmistakable. Too soft for the doppler to read the rate but Kevin and I could definitely hear it and the rate was perfect. I don't plan to use the doppler frequently, but just hearing that baby is still alive got me through the wait to my 9 week appointment.

The last thing I need to worry about is being self conscious about my “bump.” Yet. I look like a can of busted biscuits lately. It’s been nearly 7 weeks since I took my positive pregnancy test; everything has just bloated, relaxed, and sagged since then. Carrying around the weight from the fertility meds sure isn’t helping. That Relaxin hormone hits strong. But I always show early. It is what it is. At least maternity pants help give a little support to the belly and help give it shape instead of just looking like chub. I’m in between clothes. My regular pants are too tight and maternity clothes are loose. I don’t even know what to do with my scrubs. I’ve already grown out of a couple bra sizes, which makes me look bigger too. It feels extra difficult to watch all my edges soften since I spent a solid year losing weight. It’s obviously worth it. Once it’s a more obvious baby bump I’ll enjoy it. But for the next few weeks I just want to hide in my closet instead of venturing out.

A day or two before my 9 weeks apt, I stumbled upon the song “Rainbow” by Kasey Musgrave. Emotion just completely overtook me because I allowed myself for a moment to believe and feel that this baby is a rainbow baby. A healthy, wonderful gift. It just still seems so impossible. What are the chances that I pushed for one last chance. For years I said, “let’s make it an even ten” and if the 10th pregnancy wasn’t healthy, I would accept it. And here we are with a healthy, rainbow 10th pregnancy. We have a long way to go. But in the moments I let myself feel the joy and wonder of it, it overwhelms me. 

I went to my OB apt and met my new doctor that was assigned to me as a high risk patient. She was wonderful. The best news of all, I was 9 weeks +1, and the ultrasound measured the baby at 9 +4. The variation was normal and the stress had been for naught! To watch that sweet little bean wiggle around took my breath away. 

We decided to keep me on the very low dose of gabapentin I weaned down to. I signed up to join the North American Antiepileptic Drug Pregnancy Registry. Hopefully this type of research can provide more information for women who come after me and have safety concerns about their essential meds. The researcher in Boston who enrolled me asked my total number of pregnancies for the study. When I told her this was actually my tenth she said, “Oh, yikes.” A few minutes later she was like, I’m really sorry about the “oh yikes.” She’s not wrong.

My doc also helped me make a plan for those heart palpitations I’ve been feeling, and the issues I’ve been having with blood pooling. I’ll get NIPT testing done in a couple days; it will look at baby’s DNA for any conditions we need to flag/ watch. It should also tell us boy or girl! I’ve never done early testing like this, but since I’m a little bit older I feel like it’s a good idea. 

This baby is the “tiebreaker” since we have one son and one daughter. We really can’t go wrong here! Jack will be nearly 14 when the baby is due, so it has been such a long time since we had a baby boy! Also, Jack is the only male in the whole family carrying on the Hanni name right now (seriously), so I know Kevin’s family would be thrilled with another boy. If I had to pick, I think I would choose another girl because I have loved having a daughter so much! With Aidia being nearly 8, she would be over the moon to have a little sister. It would make some things with bedrooms and clothes easier as well. Most people in the family seem to think it’s a boy. Though I lean towards “wanting” a girl, I also am leaning towards guessing it’s a boy! I have had terrible acne that I didn’t have with Aidia, so that’s my scientific reasoning haha. I’ve also had some weird cravings that Kevin remembers me having with Jack (maraschino cherries straight out of the jar). I am so happy with a boy or girl, I just cannot wait to keep seeing a healthy babe grow. That’s all I want. Hopefully by my next post we will know! 

I hate that I’ve fallen into the “pre-shift anxiety” trap that is so common with nurses. I’ve never struggled this much with work. I think in my case though, it has less to do with the job, and more to do with already being stretched to my physical and emotional limits. Nursing is a demanding job and I think I start to shut down because of everything else going on in my life. I’ve been working at this hospital less than 6 months, so it doesn’t feel like home yet. It’s a big adjustment all by itself. How does anyone avoid feeling stressed and overwhelmed-All. Of. The. Time? My body (and general wellbeing) tells me to work less. My finances and career aspirations tell me to work more. I’m having a hard time finding balance. If I can hang in there, I know I have a good future in the NICU. There’s so much education available for NICU RNs, it would take 5 years to complete it all- that’s such a good opportunity. 

My first fever/migraine/sore throat while being pregnant hit. All you can really use is Tylenol and caffeine. Ibuprofen-I miss you most of all! I took you for granted. I felt so terrible while sick I started to truly wonder if I can keep up with my big girl job. One day at a time.

And one day at a time, my constant plea to this little babe is in my heart, “Keep defying the odds!” I’m ten weeks along tomorrow!

I’m so proud of you, little rainbow!

Tiny Passenger

 I have to start off with some of our Fall 2024 family pix- I can’t believe how fast the kids are growing.

We are so lucky to have those gorgeous kids!

The format of this post will be a little different, more like journal entries that I’ve written along the way. Too much has been going on to summarize and put everything in the past tense :) 

——————————————————————————————————————————————

At the end of my last cycle, they checked my progesterone in my luteal phase and it was high enough we decided not to supplement with additional meds. I took that as a promising sign that the Femara did its job.

I’ve been trying to make peace with the unknown. Surprisingly to me, my NICU job has been a comfort through this fertility journey. Even if I can’t have more children, I could choose to take care of newborns all night long for the rest of my career. It’s obviously not the same, not anywhere close. It can hurt sometimes and taste bittersweet; but is still a blessing. Perhaps it’s exposure therapy- being around newborns as a full time job.

And I always have my cat Merlin, who insists on being snuggled like a baby 24/7.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________

I had the realization that I need to trust my body. The same way I trust my heart to beat and perfuse my body. The way I trust it to fight infection. To clean my blood. To breathe in and out. All these things we just take for granted; but I see so many patients that have sick organs, and can’t believe my body does so much innately. I realize how much intelligence our bodies hold and I have to trust it. It knows what to do. 

October rolled around, and wouldn’t you know it, I woke up nauseated in the middle of the night. I tested that morning, 4 days before my period was even due. Positive. Was the nausea always this bad this fast or am I just old now? My due date is in June. Please be healthy little one; I wish I had more control over the outcome.

3 weeks 3 days

——————————————————————————————————————————————

This is our last baby. With a due date in June, Aidia will be 8 and Jack only a few months from turning 14. That means Jack would be in college when this baby starts kindergarten. I don’t think we want a spread further than that, especially with my health issues. At some point we need to move forward from this phase of life. I know there’s lots more life to live. I hope with all my heart this baby makes it. My tenth pregnancy. My perfect 10.

It’s such a relief that I conceived. I don’t think I could have survived endless months of trying after 5 years of tests, biopsies, and waiting. The process of starting/stopping meds each month, gaining weight on said meds, and having emotions all over the place felt like too much. Now it’s for real and I can just focus on baby.

The worry started right away. When I told Kevin I’m pregnant, the first thing he realized was he will be across the country for a conference next week, leaving me for a good long stretch right in my most vulnerable period. I wish we were a little less jaded. 

I worried about work right away too. It’s going to stress my body out so much to work full time nights. I have to do my best to recognize that everything will be fine if the baby is healthy. I’ll try to focus on resting as much as I can during the day. It’s been very hard to get any consistent stretches of sleep without my meds. Insomnia is one thing, but pain wakes me up now too. I may have overestimated my ability to go cold turkey off some of these meds. I was taking a pretty low dose of gabapentin, a sixth of what I used to take daily, but nights without it are a real misery. I’m trying to use magnesium in every form. Pills, lotion, epsom salt. Anything to keep my bones and muscles more content and keep the pain at bay. I’m not an effective nurse when I can’t focus through the pain. I might have to stay on a very small dose and try to titrate off later on.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________

I’m trying to take myself out of the headspace where I have been the last several years, in the realm of “I know too much.” I’m just giving it to my doctors and I’m going to basically try blindly trusting them. If they want to get a follow up blood draw after x number of days instead of y number of days, I’m just going to say ok and not worry about it. They’ve been treating complicated fertility for decades and I just need to let myself trust their decisions to make it through this. I will drive myself sick with worry otherwise.

I want to soak it in, smile, and feel the joy of being pregnant. It’s been five and a half years since I was last pregnant; it’s a miracle and a blessing all in itself. I just love this little thing so much already. Please be healthy. I really am so scared. 

I think a lot of my fear plays into my identity and how I envisioned my life at a certain age. All the things I want the most. I wonder where it leaves me if it doesn’t work out. How would I find peace and contentment? Happiness? I would never judge someone for willingly choosing not to have children, let alone for life circumstances that are well beyond their control. I would never think less of a mother who has one child or two, no matter the reasons. And yet I feel such harsh judgment and some sort of pain from deep within me- the way I feel about myself if this baby doesn't survive and then I have to be done. This subconscious belief is making its way forward and I realize so much of my worth is tied up in being able to do this. I've done everything humanly possible. And another part of me just wants that joy so badly. I want to experience motherhood one more time in my mid 30s. 

It feels like a very shallow and somewhat selfish world view. There are so many huge problems in the world I could dedicate myself to instead of getting completely absorbed with my own wishes, desires, and family. Even though I was only 26 when she was born, I knew there was a chance that Aidia would be my last baby. But deep down, I didn't believe it. Now that I'm pregnant and all those fears are back, I’m realizing how scared I am. What if this is when I find out Aidia was my last live birth and she's already nearly 8? I'm not sure how to cope with that.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________

4 weeks- beta test day. This blood work always makes me so anxious, waiting for those numbers. Pending results still make me a basket case. This feeling is for the birds. I don't miss this part. I just want to get past the next couple weeks. It’s too bad my insurance coverage changed; it’s terrible timing to be out of therapy.

Five days into this adventure and my numbers look better than I’ve ever seen them this early! My hCG is at 315.5 at 4 weeks on the dot. Progesterone is all the way at 36 so I don’t have to supplement!  It reassured me that baby is healthy so far. I’ll keep doing all I can to keep them that way.

We were so excited to learn that Kevin earned the two of us a three day cruise in March through work. Then we learned that the cruise won’t accept anyone past 23 weeks, which I would be. The timing is ironic- but I would much rather have a healthy babe than go on a cruise. I have the rest of my life to do that. 

The time has come for me to start my daily lovenox injections. Maybe I wouldn’t have done the shots just for blood thinning but with the transient APS antibodies, I need to do them in addition to aspirin. They also increased my thyroid meds to get ahead of the Hashimotos. 

These little bastards. They hurt so much and I hate the bruising. But if they keep us healthy I’ll take it.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________

It's hard to be on blood thinners because even microscopic spotting terrifies me and is very triggering. Any time I see a tinge of pink that could maybe lead to spotting, waves of numbness crash over me and I feel my body shutting down. I’ve been through that too many times. Cramping is normal and necessary as the uterus grows, but it makes me nervous too. Can’t win. I get nervous with it and without it. 

I dread the night. I toss and turn with pain and wake up every hour or so. I keep googling meds I could take as if it's changed in the past hour. I'm racked with guilt when finally at 4 in the morning I give my shot nerves a little taste of the med they're dependent on to function. It still takes another 90 minutes to work at all. I know some people stay on their meds an entire pregnancy and everything is fine. It’s hard to imagine doing that because I don’t feel like my risks are average to start with. My OB said to stay on this very small dose until I see her later on.

It makes me so nervous to see the spots showing up from my flare up. That telltale rash crawling up my feet and legs. I don't want to have any kind of autoimmune reaction at all. I don’t want antibodies circulating. But it's no surprise I'm flaring up. All I can do is rest as much as possible.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________

Beta follow up day. It's such a heavy moment; waiting for those results. To see if the baby still looks healthy or if this part of motherhood is coming to a close for me. I feel pregnant. I feel like everything is ok.

A true miracle- the hCG more than tripled! It came back at 1182 at 4 weeks +3. After that result, I left the fertility clinic to go to the OB office and get established with them for this pregnancy. They wanted more labs too, of course. I’m a pin cushion lately, but it’s a small price to pay. With my risks they do want me to switch my provider to an MD soon instead of a nurse midwife. I will be doing the early diabetes testing this time around since I had gestational diabetes with Aidia. They scheduled me out for several appointments and ultrasounds. I just hope we make it that far. It's psychological warfare. 

I know I have to reduce physical stress. I timidly wrote my managers (of only 3 months) to look into going down to part time. Insurance costs would increase a lot, but I think all things considered, it’s going to be what I need. It stresses me out to try and change things at work, but it stresses me out more to overdo it- even if I’m new at this job. 

I should try to stop reading the research about how working nights increases the risk of miscarriage. By 23% according to one study. I know I’m not getting enough sleep. If I manage to sleep 4 or 5 hours in between shifts- that’s pretty good without meds. It’s just really scary for me.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________

It’s a different kind of patience waiting through the days to find out if your baby is still okay. But I’m doing my best.

I obviously have been trying to keep this under wraps from the kids, as the risk is so high. Imagine my surprise when Aidia slid this note under my door! I thought kids lived in their own little world? But her intuition as a 7 year old is stunning. I certainly didn’t tell her I’ve been sick, but I’m sure I just look green.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________

I survived the nervousness waiting for my first ultrasound to make sure the pregnancy is intrauterine. They wanted to check at 5 weeks + 2 days (based on my positive ovulation test). And everything looked perfect! Measuring at 5 weeks + 4 days. It’s so surreal.

Perfection. A really healthy implantation and yolk sac.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________

My plan to go part time was crushed when I found out that I’m not allowed to reduce my hours to 60 hours per pay period until I finish Part 3 classes- which are currently scheduled for next June. I wouldn’t be allowed to drop below that to true part time (24hrs/week) until after my requirements for part 3 are completed. It’s more than just classwork, there are specific training shifts and tests. Learning that made my head spin, because no way I can keep working full time after delivering a baby. I’m going to reach out to the nurse educators and see if I can start an accelerated type of learning at all. 

I felt gutted worrying about continuing full time hours. I don't mind working hard. It's just whenever I feel pain I worry the baby is stressed out and I'm putting everything at risk. And I hurt a lot at work. All the time. Last week I had a patient that was not doing well and I spent 12 straight hours in that room. A coworker (who I don’t know, like at all) asked me about the night and I started crying! At work! Ugh. Hormones + staying up all night + being nauseous + hurting + a declining patient is a rough combination. I think so much of it is the anxiety that I’ve pushed it too far. That I should be resting more.

Lovenox bruising

I’m planning to meet with my manager and try to spread out my schedule each week so at least I’m not working so many nights in a row. 

I’m definitely overwhelmed. Paid maternity leave benefits become available after a year of full time work. I thought that they counted seniority starting with the time I worked for IHC previously, but it’s not looking that way. I’m due 8 days before my year mark. And that probably means the baby would be born 2 weeks before I would qualify. Which would also mean working right up until I deliver. Frankly, I feel too old for that. 

I feel like a flake more and more. I bought tickets in January for my brother and I to go to a concert, and I just didn't have it in me. I am absolutely sick and exhausted, but in the best possible way.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________

I can't go into detail, but Jack’s mood disorder has reared its head in the worst possible way. He's been so much better for years and now, at this timing, I'm sick to my stomach with what we've been dealing with. I'm numb with the amount of stress it causes to think about. How can I bring a new baby home to the unstable environment that's created with mental illness? I so often feel like I'm failing.

When we realized the extent of how he’s struggling, I felt a dread and a numbness creep over me. I thought we were stable. In a sense it became a blessing, suddenly the worry of working full time seemed like small potatoes. I realize the amount of therapy and treatment we will need to pay for Jack this year. The appointments and meds. And suddenly it was a non issue. I'll do it because I have to. The baby will have to be strong enough to make it through and so will I. I have to take care of all my kids.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________

I ended up telling Aidia. I hope it's not a mistake but I'm so freaking sick in the morning it makes no sense to keep fibbing about it. Her face LIT UP realizing she was right. I tried to explain the risks but her joy permeates everything. I remember when I was her age, my mom showed me a positive pregnancy test right after she took it. It meant my little sister was on the way! It’s such a special memory that she shared that moment with me the very moment she found out. I wanted to give Aidia a memory like that too- she deserved it after figuring it out! The baby just has to stay healthy at this point. Has to. 

Jack was really happy about the baby, but said he didn’t want to get too excited just in case. I totally understand that, bud.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________

Today we saw little peanut and heard a perfect heartbeat! I’m so thrilled that nothing seems to be getting this baby down! Measuring about six and a half weeks. The unfortunate news is that I have another subchorionic hemorrhage. I had one with Aidia as well. They want me to try and take it easy and I'll probably be stopping the lovenox shots. Right now the bleed isn't affecting the baby so we're just hoping it stays that way. 

My fertility clinic is on board with me stopping injections. My OB wants me to continue them. It’s such a frustrating place to be. SCHs are scary, but in the end, the decision is going to lie with me. When the same thing happened with Aidia, my OB wanted me to continue aspirin and lovenox and maternal fetal medicine said to stop them. I compromised and stayed just on aspirin until delivery, but it was stressful worrying if I chose wrong. I feel like I should stop the lovenox even with those transient APS antibodies because in addition to aspirin, it's quite a bit of prophylactic anticoagulation since I've never had an actual clot. Knowing that the APS antibodies showed up on a test makes me nervous- I know late term loss or stillbirth is a risk with it. The risk of a growing bleed feels like a bigger risk to me right now than clotting. I might side with my empirical evidence on this one. I’m just going to have to do my best. It’s going to eat at me until next week, when I can try and talk it though at the OB office. 

Cute little peanut and heartbeat!

Graduated from the fertility clinic!