Keep defying the odds, Rainbow!

My last blog post was a little bit of a cliffhanger, as we were trying to figure out how to treat the subchorionic hemorrhage. My whole life feels a bit like a cliffhanger! I’m sure pregnancy after loss always feels like that. My OB office called and basically recommended continuing Lovenox injections unless vaginal bleeding became “too heavy.” Yikes. I was not comfortable with that at all. I told them I was going to discontinue the injections and would discuss it with them in person the following week. It is always really hard to be brave enough to make my own healthcare decisions. I worry about being wrong, but also worry that if something goes wrong with the baby I will blame myself and the decisions I made. 

Thankfully, I didn’t have to wait too long for my first OB appointment. At that time I had been off Lovenox for about a week, and wouldn’t you know it, the ultrasound showed the bleed had resolved! I felt like the luckiest person in the world! I worried about the SCH with Aidia for months as the bleeding would start and stop. It’s really a miracle I haven’t had any episodes of bleeding or spotting with this pregnancy!

My doctor was not outright concerned about me continuing to work full time, at least not medically. I needed reassurance that it won’t harm the baby if I continue my night shifts, because I’m not sure what else I can work out right now. Baby’s heartbeat looked perfect and they decided to stick with a due date of June 17th. 

My OB also recommended I start progesterone supplementation to help with the transition to the placenta being the main support for baby. So I will be taking some extra hormones through Week 13.  I left that appointment walking on air- it’s so surreal that I might actually get the happy ending I’ve been dreaming of for so many years.

I felt great and reassured, until anxiety crept back in. I looked at the report from my appointment and saw that baby was measuring 7 weeks by ultrasound instead of 7 +2, which is where I should have been by my dates. I was especially worried when I remembered I had measured at 5 +4 when by dates I was about 5 +1. Did that mean that growth was slowing down? I told myself repeatedly that there had to be some variability in measurements when the baby is that small. Also, these ultrasounds were done on different machines, in different offices, by different providers. I did a little research about variations in CRL measurements, and tried to convince myself that everything was just fine. I know the doctor would have brought it up if growth looked off. Worry is part of being a recurrent loss mom and I just need to find a way to sit with it. The greater the length of time between appointments, the harder it becomes to control my anxiety and feel that everything with the baby is okay.

7 week ultrasound- cute little peanut, and that circle is the yolk sac!

The crummy news came that I failed my 1 hour glucose tolerance screen. I did the test at 7 weeks since I had gestational diabetes with Aidia. Gestational diabetes is such a crazy thing that happens! After Aidia was born, I continually had my A1C checked, and I have never been anywhere close to pre-diabetes. Something about being pregnant just turns my pancreas off. It’s especially difficult to do these screening tests in the first trimester. People struggle keeping the glucola drink down at 28 weeks, but combined with morning sickness it is a different beast. 

The failed test meant I needed to do the 3 hour test, which includes: fasting for 12 hours, driving to the hospital, fasting blood draw, drinking the glucola, then getting 3 more blood draws at 1, 2 , and 3 hours. They keep you in the lab in case you get super sick- it’s the worst way to spend a day off. I had a hard time not throwing up on my drive to the hospital from the fasting alone. To my dismay, the glucola had twice as much sugar as the 1 hour test, and I had half as long to drink it. They set a five minute timer and watched me struggle to get it down. I had a sudden flashback of watching Fear Factor. If you throw up at any point, the whole test doesn’t count. At least I got several good sticks in my arms before we had to move on to my hands.

I felt sure I had failed the 3 hour tolerance test, until I was driving away from the hospital and suddenly became so ill I had to pull over. I was shaking, sweating, seeing spots, ears were ringing. I recognized my symptoms as being more in line with hypoglycemia and I was right! My blood sugar was already incredibly low when they drew the last blood test. I didn’t know it at the time, but the fasting must have caught up with me once I processed the sugar. That crash was no joke. Next time, I’ll take protein with me to the hospital to eat before driving away. Since I passed, I don’t have to test again until 28 weeks! Unfortunately, I do have to start with the 3 hour test again at that time, but I’m very happy not to be doing finger sticks up to that point. 

I am really struggling with chronic fatigue. Not just like being sleepy from working nights, but having to sit down and take breaks in between every little task. Part of it I’m sure is just from being in the first trimester. I think part of it is from chronic pain- it’s become obvious to me how much my meds were helping me survive day to day life. When you are always sending (and trying to ignore) pain signals, it really wears you down. 

For example, daylight savings just about killed me (and probably most night shift nurses). 13.5 hours at the hospital and a 40 minute drive each way. By the time I got home in the morning, I stumbled into the house and into immediate sobs. Interrupted only by retching. What an embarrassing sight! The sickness and absolute exhaustion of staying up all night while pregnant feels nearly impossible to muscle through sometimes. I just want to make it out of this first trimester.

It feels harder and harder to be a grown up. Everything gets more complicated. The needs of your children get more complicated. Your career demands more of you. Family, immediate and extended, needs more intricate help. Finances continue to spread thinner. I heard Tom Hanks in an interview the other day, talking about how impossible your mid 30s are and I felt so validated!! He said, "Look, I'm 68 years old, the hardest for us was when we were playing 35. That time where your metabolism stops, gravity starts tearing you down, your bones start wearing off, you stand differently — I think I'm in better shape now. You know why? Because my kids are grown up, I'm getting decent exercise, and I can eat right. You can't do that when you're 35. Life is such a burden!" Thanks, Tom Hanks!

We all know parenting teenagers is really hard- maybe impossible. I feel like I'm doing the splits trying to be a good mom to a teenager (who is probably going to hate me half the time regardless) and growing a brand new baby at the same time. Meanwhile, Aidia has been planning her room and how she would share it with a nursery. I love her sweet ideas and thoughtfulness. She asked for a mini fridge so if the baby wakes up in the night she could "give it milk." It’s so nice that in the midst of life’s chaos, this little growing miracle reminds me daily of what matters most. This week she made a “bib” and a ”hooded towel” out of Kleenex and staples for the baby. Every day I see her excitement and planning and think “I cannot lose this baby. I cannot take this away from her.”

At 8 weeks and 4 days I found baby’s heartbeat on the home doppler! It was quiet but unmistakable. Too soft for the doppler to read the rate but Kevin and I could definitely hear it and the rate was perfect. I don't plan to use the doppler frequently, but just hearing that baby is still alive got me through the wait to my 9 week appointment.

The last thing I need to worry about is being self conscious about my “bump.” Yet. I look like a can of busted biscuits lately. It’s been nearly 7 weeks since I took my positive pregnancy test; everything has just bloated, relaxed, and sagged since then. Carrying around the weight from the fertility meds sure isn’t helping. That Relaxin hormone hits strong. But I always show early. It is what it is. At least maternity pants help give a little support to the belly and help give it shape instead of just looking like chub. I’m in between clothes. My regular pants are too tight and maternity clothes are loose. I don’t even know what to do with my scrubs. I’ve already grown out of a couple bra sizes, which makes me look bigger too. It feels extra difficult to watch all my edges soften since I spent a solid year losing weight. It’s obviously worth it. Once it’s a more obvious baby bump I’ll enjoy it. But for the next few weeks I just want to hide in my closet instead of venturing out.

A day or two before my 9 weeks apt, I stumbled upon the song “Rainbow” by Kasey Musgrave. Emotion just completely overtook me because I allowed myself for a moment to believe and feel that this baby is a rainbow baby. A healthy, wonderful gift. It just still seems so impossible. What are the chances that I pushed for one last chance. For years I said, “let’s make it an even ten” and if the 10th pregnancy wasn’t healthy, I would accept it. And here we are with a healthy, rainbow 10th pregnancy. We have a long way to go. But in the moments I let myself feel the joy and wonder of it, it overwhelms me. 

I went to my OB apt and met my new doctor that was assigned to me as a high risk patient. She was wonderful. The best news of all, I was 9 weeks +1, and the ultrasound measured the baby at 9 +4. The variation was normal and the stress had been for naught! To watch that sweet little bean wiggle around took my breath away. 

We decided to keep me on the very low dose of gabapentin I weaned down to. I signed up to join the North American Antiepileptic Drug Pregnancy Registry. Hopefully this type of research can provide more information for women who come after me and have safety concerns about their essential meds. The researcher in Boston who enrolled me asked my total number of pregnancies for the study. When I told her this was actually my tenth she said, “Oh, yikes.” A few minutes later she was like, I’m really sorry about the “oh yikes.” She’s not wrong.

My doc also helped me make a plan for those heart palpitations I’ve been feeling, and the issues I’ve been having with blood pooling. I’ll get NIPT testing done in a couple days; it will look at baby’s DNA for any conditions we need to flag/ watch. It should also tell us boy or girl! I’ve never done early testing like this, but since I’m a little bit older I feel like it’s a good idea. 

This baby is the “tiebreaker” since we have one son and one daughter. We really can’t go wrong here! Jack will be nearly 14 when the baby is due, so it has been such a long time since we had a baby boy! Also, Jack is the only male in the whole family carrying on the Hanni name right now (seriously), so I know Kevin’s family would be thrilled with another boy. If I had to pick, I think I would choose another girl because I have loved having a daughter so much! With Aidia being nearly 8, she would be over the moon to have a little sister. It would make some things with bedrooms and clothes easier as well. Most people in the family seem to think it’s a boy. Though I lean towards “wanting” a girl, I also am leaning towards guessing it’s a boy! I have had terrible acne that I didn’t have with Aidia, so that’s my scientific reasoning haha. I’ve also had some weird cravings that Kevin remembers me having with Jack (maraschino cherries straight out of the jar). I am so happy with a boy or girl, I just cannot wait to keep seeing a healthy babe grow. That’s all I want. Hopefully by my next post we will know! 

I hate that I’ve fallen into the “pre-shift anxiety” trap that is so common with nurses. I’ve never struggled this much with work. I think in my case though, it has less to do with the job, and more to do with already being stretched to my physical and emotional limits. Nursing is a demanding job and I think I start to shut down because of everything else going on in my life. I’ve been working at this hospital less than 6 months, so it doesn’t feel like home yet. It’s a big adjustment all by itself. How does anyone avoid feeling stressed and overwhelmed-All. Of. The. Time? My body (and general wellbeing) tells me to work less. My finances and career aspirations tell me to work more. I’m having a hard time finding balance. If I can hang in there, I know I have a good future in the NICU. There’s so much education available for NICU RNs, it would take 5 years to complete it all- that’s such a good opportunity. 

My first fever/migraine/sore throat while being pregnant hit. All you can really use is Tylenol and caffeine. Ibuprofen-I miss you most of all! I took you for granted. I felt so terrible while sick I started to truly wonder if I can keep up with my big girl job. One day at a time.

And one day at a time, my constant plea to this little babe is in my heart, “Keep defying the odds!” I’m ten weeks along tomorrow!

I’m so proud of you, little rainbow!

Tiny Passenger

 I have to start off with some of our Fall 2024 family pix- I can’t believe how fast the kids are growing.

We are so lucky to have those gorgeous kids!

The format of this post will be a little different, more like journal entries that I’ve written along the way. Too much has been going on to summarize and put everything in the past tense :) 

——————————————————————————————————————————————

At the end of my last cycle, they checked my progesterone in my luteal phase and it was high enough we decided not to supplement with additional meds. I took that as a promising sign that the Femara did its job.

I’ve been trying to make peace with the unknown. Surprisingly to me, my NICU job has been a comfort through this fertility journey. Even if I can’t have more children, I could choose to take care of newborns all night long for the rest of my career. It’s obviously not the same, not anywhere close. It can hurt sometimes and taste bittersweet; but is still a blessing. Perhaps it’s exposure therapy- being around newborns as a full time job.

And I always have my cat Merlin, who insists on being snuggled like a baby 24/7.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________

I had the realization that I need to trust my body. The same way I trust my heart to beat and perfuse my body. The way I trust it to fight infection. To clean my blood. To breathe in and out. All these things we just take for granted; but I see so many patients that have sick organs, and can’t believe my body does so much innately. I realize how much intelligence our bodies hold and I have to trust it. It knows what to do. 

October rolled around, and wouldn’t you know it, I woke up nauseated in the middle of the night. I tested that morning, 4 days before my period was even due. Positive. Was the nausea always this bad this fast or am I just old now? My due date is in June. Please be healthy little one; I wish I had more control over the outcome.

3 weeks 3 days

——————————————————————————————————————————————

This is our last baby. With a due date in June, Aidia will be 8 and Jack only a few months from turning 14. That means Jack would be in college when this baby starts kindergarten. I don’t think we want a spread further than that, especially with my health issues. At some point we need to move forward from this phase of life. I know there’s lots more life to live. I hope with all my heart this baby makes it. My tenth pregnancy. My perfect 10.

It’s such a relief that I conceived. I don’t think I could have survived endless months of trying after 5 years of tests, biopsies, and waiting. The process of starting/stopping meds each month, gaining weight on said meds, and having emotions all over the place felt like too much. Now it’s for real and I can just focus on baby.

The worry started right away. When I told Kevin I’m pregnant, the first thing he realized was he will be across the country for a conference next week, leaving me for a good long stretch right in my most vulnerable period. I wish we were a little less jaded. 

I worried about work right away too. It’s going to stress my body out so much to work full time nights. I have to do my best to recognize that everything will be fine if the baby is healthy. I’ll try to focus on resting as much as I can during the day. It’s been very hard to get any consistent stretches of sleep without my meds. Insomnia is one thing, but pain wakes me up now too. I may have overestimated my ability to go cold turkey off some of these meds. I was taking a pretty low dose of gabapentin, a sixth of what I used to take daily, but nights without it are a real misery. I’m trying to use magnesium in every form. Pills, lotion, epsom salt. Anything to keep my bones and muscles more content and keep the pain at bay. I’m not an effective nurse when I can’t focus through the pain. I might have to stay on a very small dose and try to titrate off later on.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________

I’m trying to take myself out of the headspace where I have been the last several years, in the realm of “I know too much.” I’m just giving it to my doctors and I’m going to basically try blindly trusting them. If they want to get a follow up blood draw after x number of days instead of y number of days, I’m just going to say ok and not worry about it. They’ve been treating complicated fertility for decades and I just need to let myself trust their decisions to make it through this. I will drive myself sick with worry otherwise.

I want to soak it in, smile, and feel the joy of being pregnant. It’s been five and a half years since I was last pregnant; it’s a miracle and a blessing all in itself. I just love this little thing so much already. Please be healthy. I really am so scared. 

I think a lot of my fear plays into my identity and how I envisioned my life at a certain age. All the things I want the most. I wonder where it leaves me if it doesn’t work out. How would I find peace and contentment? Happiness? I would never judge someone for willingly choosing not to have children, let alone for life circumstances that are well beyond their control. I would never think less of a mother who has one child or two, no matter the reasons. And yet I feel such harsh judgment and some sort of pain from deep within me- the way I feel about myself if this baby doesn't survive and then I have to be done. This subconscious belief is making its way forward and I realize so much of my worth is tied up in being able to do this. I've done everything humanly possible. And another part of me just wants that joy so badly. I want to experience motherhood one more time in my mid 30s. 

It feels like a very shallow and somewhat selfish world view. There are so many huge problems in the world I could dedicate myself to instead of getting completely absorbed with my own wishes, desires, and family. Even though I was only 26 when she was born, I knew there was a chance that Aidia would be my last baby. But deep down, I didn't believe it. Now that I'm pregnant and all those fears are back, I’m realizing how scared I am. What if this is when I find out Aidia was my last live birth and she's already nearly 8? I'm not sure how to cope with that.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________

4 weeks- beta test day. This blood work always makes me so anxious, waiting for those numbers. Pending results still make me a basket case. This feeling is for the birds. I don't miss this part. I just want to get past the next couple weeks. It’s too bad my insurance coverage changed; it’s terrible timing to be out of therapy.

Five days into this adventure and my numbers look better than I’ve ever seen them this early! My hCG is at 315.5 at 4 weeks on the dot. Progesterone is all the way at 36 so I don’t have to supplement!  It reassured me that baby is healthy so far. I’ll keep doing all I can to keep them that way.

We were so excited to learn that Kevin earned the two of us a three day cruise in March through work. Then we learned that the cruise won’t accept anyone past 23 weeks, which I would be. The timing is ironic- but I would much rather have a healthy babe than go on a cruise. I have the rest of my life to do that. 

The time has come for me to start my daily lovenox injections. Maybe I wouldn’t have done the shots just for blood thinning but with the transient APS antibodies, I need to do them in addition to aspirin. They also increased my thyroid meds to get ahead of the Hashimotos. 

These little bastards. They hurt so much and I hate the bruising. But if they keep us healthy I’ll take it.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________

It's hard to be on blood thinners because even microscopic spotting terrifies me and is very triggering. Any time I see a tinge of pink that could maybe lead to spotting, waves of numbness crash over me and I feel my body shutting down. I’ve been through that too many times. Cramping is normal and necessary as the uterus grows, but it makes me nervous too. Can’t win. I get nervous with it and without it. 

I dread the night. I toss and turn with pain and wake up every hour or so. I keep googling meds I could take as if it's changed in the past hour. I'm racked with guilt when finally at 4 in the morning I give my shot nerves a little taste of the med they're dependent on to function. It still takes another 90 minutes to work at all. I know some people stay on their meds an entire pregnancy and everything is fine. It’s hard to imagine doing that because I don’t feel like my risks are average to start with. My OB said to stay on this very small dose until I see her later on.

It makes me so nervous to see the spots showing up from my flare up. That telltale rash crawling up my feet and legs. I don't want to have any kind of autoimmune reaction at all. I don’t want antibodies circulating. But it's no surprise I'm flaring up. All I can do is rest as much as possible.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________

Beta follow up day. It's such a heavy moment; waiting for those results. To see if the baby still looks healthy or if this part of motherhood is coming to a close for me. I feel pregnant. I feel like everything is ok.

A true miracle- the hCG more than tripled! It came back at 1182 at 4 weeks +3. After that result, I left the fertility clinic to go to the OB office and get established with them for this pregnancy. They wanted more labs too, of course. I’m a pin cushion lately, but it’s a small price to pay. With my risks they do want me to switch my provider to an MD soon instead of a nurse midwife. I will be doing the early diabetes testing this time around since I had gestational diabetes with Aidia. They scheduled me out for several appointments and ultrasounds. I just hope we make it that far. It's psychological warfare. 

I know I have to reduce physical stress. I timidly wrote my managers (of only 3 months) to look into going down to part time. Insurance costs would increase a lot, but I think all things considered, it’s going to be what I need. It stresses me out to try and change things at work, but it stresses me out more to overdo it- even if I’m new at this job. 

I should try to stop reading the research about how working nights increases the risk of miscarriage. By 23% according to one study. I know I’m not getting enough sleep. If I manage to sleep 4 or 5 hours in between shifts- that’s pretty good without meds. It’s just really scary for me.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________

It’s a different kind of patience waiting through the days to find out if your baby is still okay. But I’m doing my best.

I obviously have been trying to keep this under wraps from the kids, as the risk is so high. Imagine my surprise when Aidia slid this note under my door! I thought kids lived in their own little world? But her intuition as a 7 year old is stunning. I certainly didn’t tell her I’ve been sick, but I’m sure I just look green.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________

I survived the nervousness waiting for my first ultrasound to make sure the pregnancy is intrauterine. They wanted to check at 5 weeks + 2 days (based on my positive ovulation test). And everything looked perfect! Measuring at 5 weeks + 4 days. It’s so surreal.

Perfection. A really healthy implantation and yolk sac.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________

My plan to go part time was crushed when I found out that I’m not allowed to reduce my hours to 60 hours per pay period until I finish Part 3 classes- which are currently scheduled for next June. I wouldn’t be allowed to drop below that to true part time (24hrs/week) until after my requirements for part 3 are completed. It’s more than just classwork, there are specific training shifts and tests. Learning that made my head spin, because no way I can keep working full time after delivering a baby. I’m going to reach out to the nurse educators and see if I can start an accelerated type of learning at all. 

I felt gutted worrying about continuing full time hours. I don't mind working hard. It's just whenever I feel pain I worry the baby is stressed out and I'm putting everything at risk. And I hurt a lot at work. All the time. Last week I had a patient that was not doing well and I spent 12 straight hours in that room. A coworker (who I don’t know, like at all) asked me about the night and I started crying! At work! Ugh. Hormones + staying up all night + being nauseous + hurting + a declining patient is a rough combination. I think so much of it is the anxiety that I’ve pushed it too far. That I should be resting more.

Lovenox bruising

I’m planning to meet with my manager and try to spread out my schedule each week so at least I’m not working so many nights in a row. 

I’m definitely overwhelmed. Paid maternity leave benefits become available after a year of full time work. I thought that they counted seniority starting with the time I worked for IHC previously, but it’s not looking that way. I’m due 8 days before my year mark. And that probably means the baby would be born 2 weeks before I would qualify. Which would also mean working right up until I deliver. Frankly, I feel too old for that. 

I feel like a flake more and more. I bought tickets in January for my brother and I to go to a concert, and I just didn't have it in me. I am absolutely sick and exhausted, but in the best possible way.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________

I can't go into detail, but Jack’s mood disorder has reared its head in the worst possible way. He's been so much better for years and now, at this timing, I'm sick to my stomach with what we've been dealing with. I'm numb with the amount of stress it causes to think about. How can I bring a new baby home to the unstable environment that's created with mental illness? I so often feel like I'm failing.

When we realized the extent of how he’s struggling, I felt a dread and a numbness creep over me. I thought we were stable. In a sense it became a blessing, suddenly the worry of working full time seemed like small potatoes. I realize the amount of therapy and treatment we will need to pay for Jack this year. The appointments and meds. And suddenly it was a non issue. I'll do it because I have to. The baby will have to be strong enough to make it through and so will I. I have to take care of all my kids.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________

I ended up telling Aidia. I hope it's not a mistake but I'm so freaking sick in the morning it makes no sense to keep fibbing about it. Her face LIT UP realizing she was right. I tried to explain the risks but her joy permeates everything. I remember when I was her age, my mom showed me a positive pregnancy test right after she took it. It meant my little sister was on the way! It’s such a special memory that she shared that moment with me the very moment she found out. I wanted to give Aidia a memory like that too- she deserved it after figuring it out! The baby just has to stay healthy at this point. Has to. 

Jack was really happy about the baby, but said he didn’t want to get too excited just in case. I totally understand that, bud.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________

Today we saw little peanut and heard a perfect heartbeat! I’m so thrilled that nothing seems to be getting this baby down! Measuring about six and a half weeks. The unfortunate news is that I have another subchorionic hemorrhage. I had one with Aidia as well. They want me to try and take it easy and I'll probably be stopping the lovenox shots. Right now the bleed isn't affecting the baby so we're just hoping it stays that way. 

My fertility clinic is on board with me stopping injections. My OB wants me to continue them. It’s such a frustrating place to be. SCHs are scary, but in the end, the decision is going to lie with me. When the same thing happened with Aidia, my OB wanted me to continue aspirin and lovenox and maternal fetal medicine said to stop them. I compromised and stayed just on aspirin until delivery, but it was stressful worrying if I chose wrong. I feel like I should stop the lovenox even with those transient APS antibodies because in addition to aspirin, it's quite a bit of prophylactic anticoagulation since I've never had an actual clot. Knowing that the APS antibodies showed up on a test makes me nervous- I know late term loss or stillbirth is a risk with it. The risk of a growing bleed feels like a bigger risk to me right now than clotting. I might side with my empirical evidence on this one. I’m just going to have to do my best. It’s going to eat at me until next week, when I can try and talk it though at the OB office. 

Cute little peanut and heartbeat!

Graduated from the fertility clinic!

Baby Dust

Let’s start with happy updates! I love to post symphony memories on my blog because music is such a light in my life. The summer concert was great, and I can’t wait for the Disney spring concert at Abravanel Hall. I am incredibly sad that I’ll be missing this year’s holiday season; I signed a contract at the hospital to work the graveyard shift every Friday, Saturday, and Sunday for four months. That schedule puts me missing every rehearsal. I’m a glutton for punishment.

John Williams Concert Summer 2024

I was also able to go see Hozier in concert with my little brother. Ethereal concerts like that are always lovely and border on being an out-of-body experience. It was so peaceful, and a wonderful break in the busy day-to-day.

Hozier concert with my brother

It’s been more than 5 years of waiting. It’s been procedures, testing, treating, discussing, and planning. I’m done with the hypotheticals and so ready to try for an actual baby. We had a plan in place and were granted the go-ahead from the fertility clinic. It turned out to be “hurry up and wait” for my body to be ready. After a grueling 50-day cycle (a long cycle due to recovery from the surgery), I finally started a new cycle and began the Femara to support ovulation.

Despite a good track record of being able to become pregnant, I put my new HSA to work and purchased an Inito monitor to watch the interplay of all my hormones through the month. It’s a more accurate way to track ovulation to help with trying to conceive. I’m older now and things take more time. I’m feeling the pressure of that biological clock because I never wanted to attempt pregnancy after age 35.  It’s impressive to watch the exact timing of each hormonal shift during the month. Check out the promo pics of this technology because it’s been pretty amazing for me to use. I’m impressed with my body for doing exactly what it’s supposed to be doing (especially because all those hormones moving up and down simultaneously is such a complicated process).

‘

I’ve never taken any medicine to support ovulation before. In fact, I was a little hesitant to use it (like I was kind of scared of twins). The logic makes sense, though. If I get a strong, healthy ovulation- that supports all the hormones I need for a healthy early pregnancy and reduces the chance that I would need to prophylactically supplement progesterone the way I’ve done in the past. In that scenario, you have to start supplementing two days after ovulation- nearly two weeks before you could take a pregnancy test. It’s a twice a day vaginal suppository and it’s not fun. Plus it delays/messes up your cycle if you aren’t pregnant.  I’ve supplemented that way with multiple pregnancies- and for about 15 weeks with Aidia. If I can avoid that I’m ALL for it.

It’s one giant limbo step at a time. First we have to wait to successfully conceive. Then we’ll have to see if the baby will survive. Then decide if we’re done with this part of our lives. I’m to the point where I think I can make peace with almost anything. I just want to be through with limbo.

My first month on the ovulation meds wasn’t easy. I had painful bloating, weight gain, hormone headaches- all those wonderful side effects. My whole abdomen feels so uncomfortable. I have to find a way to also focus on my health during treatment. I hate the rapid weight gain and feel terrible. The scale and I are NOT friends right now, in fact I’m quite frightened of it. Fatigue, pain, and burnout are a real problem. Especially working long shifts with inconsistent sleep.

 

A week after finishing femara I started thinking it was a mistake to stimulate my ovaries like this. The pain was comparable to an intense ovarian cyst. I worried about OHSS (ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome). I did talk to the fertility clinic about it and got some information about what to be watching out for. Usually OHSS isn’t caused by an ovulation med alone; but, I had about two days where it was hard to breathe through the pain. I kept hot packs on at work and did my best to get through it. Luckily it didn’t last too long.

It feels like there’s about 10,000 factors we need to go right, and we are controlling any we can. I am shocked to see anyone just get pregnant and deliver a healthy baby. The miracle of it astounds me more and more. I spend most of my time around sick newborns, or babies born with congenital abnormalities. I’m awestruck watching them make the progress they do. I’m amazed at those little miracles and the fight they have in them. 

 

Each teeny tiny cellular step in early pregnancy is crucial, and really a miracle. I think if I weren’t quite so traumatized, I would love to get into embryology. It’s fascinating. 

 

I take care of a lot of NICU babies with what are called “midline defects.” Lots of women say not to stress about meds or even alcohol before a positive pregnancy test, but I’m over here with a skewed life view. Those defects normally happen before you would even know you are pregnant. I just see these cellular processes in my mind constantly.

I’ve worked hard to not let anxiety or feeling helpless take over my life, especially during times where there’s a chance I could be pregnant. The truth is: if the baby is healthy, there's not much you can do to accidentally hurt it without hurting yourself. I try to tell myself that several times through the day to still the anxiety.

 

Once we entered the “two-week wait” to see if I was pregnant, I felt a mix between exhilaration and a “buyer’s remorse” type of dread. Wondering what events I may have just put into motion. It’s been over 5 years since I’ve been in this situation. Old memories and trauma suddenly feel way too close to the surface. Anticipatory grief gets in my way of even daydreaming of a happy ending.

 

I've done some pretty deep soul searching through this process. Lots of pondering on the point of life and what I genuinely want out of life. I've already seen a lot of suffering in the NICU and can feel my perspective shift as I spend so much time in that environment. My friend needed to interview me about high-risk pregnancy and loss for her BSN. I filled out questions about how it’s affected my life, well-being, spiritual/emotional/mental health. What a sobering thing to remember that it has changed me in every way.

 

In dealing with anticipatory anxiety of pregnancy after loss (a place I've been far too many times), I can feel my psyche slipping back into those familiar ruts of devastation. I've been looking into daily affirmations/meditation, which truly has never been my thing. But I’m trying it because I would like to actually feel positive instead of just saying I’m being optimistic.

I’m trying to keep my body healthy, well-rested, and strong enough to do this. It feels like a big ask working full time nights with kids at home. I struggled with guilt if I needed to take a dose of medicine, even when I was a week out from being able to take a pregnancy test. Cutting my doses has left me with a lot of flu-like pain. The kind where your skin feels zappy/sore and your bones ache. It’s left me feeling restless and ineffective in daily tasks. It’s hard to think about anything but the pain and exhaustion from it. Those few weeks felt like going cold turkey off my meds, though I tried my best to taper. One more reason I hope it doesn’t take long to conceive; I don’t want to go through this for no reason.

 

At 9 days past ovulation, I started mildly spotting. The description was textbook implantation bleeding, so I was hopeful that the cycle had been successful. However, by the next day it gave way to red bleeding. It was nearly a week too soon to start my period so I was confused about what might be going on.

 

By cycle day 25, I started full-on bleeding, which totally shocked me. My period came super early. I don’t have a history of a luteal phase defect, so I did not see that curve ball coming. It did feel devastating if I’m telling the truth, especially since I had done the round of Femara.

 

Even though I was sad the cycle didn’t work out, it was much easier than being in limbo. I stopped holding my breath and could focus on normal life for a few weeks. The fertility clinic was surprised my cycle ended so quickly. They want to draw blood earlier in my next cycle and see how my progesterone is looking 7 or 8 days past next ovulation.

Time is a thief, and somehow * just like that * I have a teenager now. My sweet baby Jack turned 13 last week. There’s going to be a finite amount of time we’ll be able to endure the stress of trying for a baby. My kids are getting older and need my full attention in different ways than when they were younger. And a minimum 14 year spread is a huge age gap (remember when I was so worried about 2-3 years between my kids? Haha.)

                    

I hope it doesn’t take long to conceive. My problems have usually related to keeping the baby, not getting pregnant. All the meds, testing supplies, high quality vitamins, doctor consults, blood draws, etc add up quickly each month. I still need to pay off the recent surgery. It’s all getting a bit expensive.

I occasionally reality-check myself. When I started this blog after my third consecutive miscarriage, I was 22 years old. TWENTY-TWO. I need to somehow wrap my mind around the concept that I am, in fact, 34 years old now. Things aren’t going to work exactly the same. It might take some actual time to get pregnant.

In your early 20s, you have about a 25% chance of pregnancy each month. At age 30, it’s at 20% chance each month. Starting at 32, your chances gradually but significantly decrease. During my age bracket, age 34-36, the chances of conception are 56% within SIX months.
 
I think my chances are still good given my history. All 9 of my pregnancies occurred in about 1-2 months of trying. However, after our loss in 2019, we tried again for 6-7 months without success. We took a break for several years because I felt dangerously close to actual mental collapse. I had to find other pursuits to pour my passion into. But trying again has always been in the back (or front) of my mind. It was always part of the plan. I assume now that we weren’t able to get pregnant for those 7 months due to chronic endometritis (which we didn’t know was still unresolved.) I was 29 at that time. 

I turned 34 this month. Which is weird since I’m 17??

I finished my second round of femara this month and I would really love to not take it again. Send me all the baby dust.