Getting Back Into It

It’s been a long time since I’ve written.  I haven’t stopped thinking about writing, but I made a decision to really try to put everything on the shelf for a little while.  Whenever my thoughts started to get crowded about everything to do with my health, my future babies, and the babies I’ve lost, I really had to just tell myself “I’m not going to think about this right now, I need a break.”  So I took one, and it has been really healthy for me.  The issues are never far from my thoughts, but choosing to ignore them at least for a little while has helped me heal.  Now I feel stronger and more ready to face the battles ahead.  I’m not as sensitive as I was, and though the pain is still there I’ve learned to live with it in a way that still allows me to be happy.  Some may call it denial or lying to myself by trying not to ignore everything for a few months, but I think my brain and my heart just needed a break, and now I’m ready to get back into it.

Even though the stress or overwhelming feelings still creep up, and even though sadness can suddenly hit me in the middle of a normal day, I have spent fewer nights crying and more time laughing.  I’m starting to get to the point where I can genuinely talk to friends and family members who are expecting without talking myself through every sentence and trying to keep the tears from coming. I’ve learned to tell myself “It’s their time right now; your time will come again someday.  Celebrate this time of life with them, because you’ll want support when it’s your turn too, despite what they are dealing with in their lives.” 

And amazingly, the less I feel bitter, the more I feel that we are in the exact right place that we need to be in.  I’ve been learning to trust God's will above my wants, and continually remind myself that this is where He wants our family to be now, and this is the size that He wants us to stay for a while longer.  And that attitude has brought me happiness.  There are times now when I am playing with Jack that I am so overcome with joy.  He’s not a baby anymore, and so we are interacting on a whole new level.  I am getting to know him, with all of his special traits and gifts.  He is so bright, loving, funny, sweet, thoughtful, and intelligent.  I really am blessed to have this special time with him and be able to focus on his needs more than I would if I also had a small baby at this time.  Though it’s not what I wanted, I’ve really come to see it as a blessing and until the day comes that we are blessed with another child I want to enjoy the privilege I have of focusing on an only child, and everything that entails.  Parents with one child simply get to live life differently than parents with more than one, for the most part.  I’m trying to look for the good in it. For example... I wouldn’t trade being married to my husband for anything, but there are those times I remember the benefits that were around when I was single.  Before I had a family, I had to focus on my goals, my career plans, my schedule, my tastes, my budget, etc etc.  I wouldn’t go back, because being single was hard too in different ways.  But I remember the good that was there that I somewhat took for granted.  I imagine it is the same when you go from one child to two.  So I’m trying to see those benefits now. 

I’ve been looking for opportunities to share my story or help others in similar circumstances, and those moments have presented themselves.  I realize I am able to have a level of empathy for people that I would not otherwise have, and hopefully, be able to bless lives I wouldn’t otherwise be able to bless.  It’s not all sunshine and butterflies but small victories play such a huge part in the overall mental health I’ve had lately.  One experience I was grateful to have was finding out that October is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month.  I was able to spend some time on the internet reading some stories that women have shared, pictures of their babies who only lived a short time, stories of miscarriages, and every imaginable thing in between.  Though it is sad, I did feel empowered to belong to a group of such strong women who can go on with hope and honor the memories of their children who they carried but did not get to meet, who were born sleeping, or only lived a short while.  And on the 15^th I will be able to participate in what is called the “Wave of Light” where at 7-8pm a candle is lit for each baby that you are mourning.  Though I often try to put these experiences out of my mind, I know it is important to take time for sacred moments to remember, and to honor, the start of life that I was not able to bring into the world.  To take that hour to have a moment of silence, to remember, pray, to cry a little, then move on a little stronger.  I really appreciate that Ronald Regan took the time to bring awareness to this issue, along with awareness of those who have been through traumatic abortions.  He wanted to encourage more adoption and less abortion, as so many who have chosen abortion have suffered with that decision for years after.  Here is part of his speech from 1988:

“Each year, approximately a million pregnancies in the United States end in miscarriage, stillbirth, or the death of the newborn child. National observance of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, 1988, offers us the opportunity to increase our understanding of the great tragedy involved in the deaths of unborn and newborn babies. It also enables us to consider how, as individuals and communities, we can meet the needs of bereaved parents and family members and work to prevent causes of these problems... The Congress, by Senate Joint Resolution 314, has designated the month of October 1988 as ``Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month'' and authorized and requested the President to issue a proclamation in observance of this month.” –Ronald Regan

I guess we are always learning lessons as moms, which is a good thing.  I’ve been thinking about sacrifice lately.  We all know that parents sacrifice a lot for their children, and that’s what makes our love for them so strong.  This week I’ve had an experience that’s reminded me of that.  I am so blessed to stay home with Jack, we stay busy and are the “glue” of the household.  With running the errands, doing the budget, planning appointments, laundry, coloring together, playing pretend, and everything else that goes on we certainly have plenty to do.  With Kevin quitting his second job and being in the process of getting a new second job, he really needs to be available to work from 6 or 7 in the morning to 7 or 8 at night. As of now, this will most likely be his new schedule.  As every stay at home mom does, sometimes I get these cravings to go out and have success in a new way.  I know I am busy with school right now training in Medical Transcription Editing, but I also have a Bachelor’s Degree in music that I worked really hard for a long time to have.  Sometimes I want to be using that degree.  Especially when money gets tight and I think about the money I could be making as a professional.  I know it’s not much when you compare careers on the internet, but for us right now, even a little extra money helps a lot.  I had this job offer of sorts to be the music teacher to three boys who are homeschooled.  I got so excited, it was only going to be two hours a week, but at 20 bucks an hour that helps a bit.  But when we really examined the situation, the gas to get to and from Salt Lake was a lot in comparison to what I was making.  Then the big problem- if Kevin is busy from 7-7 and they live a half hour away, when was I going to teach? It didn’t make enough to where he wouldn’t need a second job.  I couldn’t take Jack with me, and I couldn’t leave him here.  Even if the students came to my house, Jack would be pulling at me the whole time and that’s not fair to the students.  Drop in daycare would cost as much as I would make.  I knew in my heart it was just going to cause us more stress than anything else.  Especially with me in school right now, it’s not really a good time for me to try and pick up new students and build any kind of a business. I don’t really teach piano and I can’t teach drum set, which is what people are mostly interested in.  We could move at any time if we hear back from the grad schools we are still applying to.  It’s a hard sacrifice sometimes not to work.  Honestly at times it sounds like a welcome break from losing my mind being “at home” all the time.  It’s not that I’m not busy now, it just is tempting to get out of the house, make a contribution, make some money, teach kids a love for music and all of those rewarding things.  I had lesson plans and fun ideas racing through my mind and I think I felt sad because I could have been really good at it.  Then I look at Jack and think- it would have been hard on him, and me.  Some dreams you just have to put on hold to live out better dreams.  And that, is what sacrifice means as a parent.  I always kind of assumed I would either be working, or stay at home and have lots of babies.  It has been an interesting situation for me to not be able to feasibly work even part time (day care preschool costs are outrageous) and stay home with one baby.  Sometimes I feel like “What am I supposed to be doing with my life?  I can’t go out and have a career.  Also I can’t have any more babies right now.”  It can be confusing but all I need to know now is that I’m Jack’s mommy and that’s enough. 

Wow this is getting long.  Sorry.  With that huge lead in, I’ve decided we want to start preparing with our doctors and have a plan for when we want to try again.  If I start working on a plan, I can remind myself of the faith and hope we have that someday it will work.  I go through physical actions to strengthen what I try to feel in my heart.  I have an apt to see a specialist on Wednesday.  They got me in with only about 6 weeks notice, so that is pretty impressive for this area of medicine.  He specializes in pregnancy loss and blood diseases, so I pray that this is the right doctor for us.

Before I could go to the specialist, I knew I needed to establish a regular OB to work with.  I searched around on the internet and found a clinic pretty close that I felt good about.  I had an apt with my new doctor a few weeks ago.  I was just planning on going in for a quick thyroid check, to make sure the new dosage is working.  I was going to briefly tell him my history just so he knew the situation and basically tell him, I’ll meet with the specialist and let you know if I need anything.  I was so wrong about this appointment, in a very good way!  Turns out he wanted to know a lot about my miscarriages.  You know how sometimes we see tender mercies from the Lord plain as day right when they happen?  That’s what happened here.  He explained to me that his wife is Protein S deficient (causes blood clotting problems similar to what I have experienced).  She also has had three miscarriages, and she experienced a 28 weeks loss on top of that.  I hope I never have to have that horrible experience.  As if that wasn’t strange enough that they’ve had the same situation, when I told him I have the rarer type of MTHFR, he told me he has that too!  He was able to explain more about it to me.  I felt so loved by God to find this doctor who has dealt with the same health problems and losses as us in his own family.  I take his opinion very seriously because he is telling me about his own children.  They have had losses and they have also had more children.  She actually is pregnant right now.  His wife has done a combination of aspirin and lovenox injections just like me.  He hates the shots as much as me, what?! This opinion is so different from any of my other doctors!  He doesn’t see how they are necessary considering my medical history.  I won’t go into all the details, but he just thinks that if the pregnancy is viable then aspirin will suffice.  The baby his wife delivered when she was on Lovenox survived, but he was early and very small (problems with intrauterine growth restriction) and there were complications with the placenta.  Scary shots.  That’s kind of how I felt all along.  And I often thought about how Jack was fine when I just took aspirin.  He talked about more details (which I won’t bore you with) about why he feels that way.  I felt very validated in my opinions by him.  I felt less afraid to try again just using aspirin, and not as guilty.  It was hard for me to distinguish whether I felt bad about doing the shots just because they are horribly painful or if they actually weren’t good for me.  We talked about genetic testing a little, but we aren’t too interested in that at this moment because most likely it won’t bring any helpful news, it’s insanely expensive, and wouldn’t probably change a plan of action anyway.  We talked about progesterone supplementation and a few other things.  He told me which questions to take to my specialist.  Here’s the next amazing thing- his wife is seeing the same specialist as me.  Validated.  I think I found the right doctor! I don’t know when we will decide to try for another baby, our life is kind of in limbo at the moment and I have to take that into consideration despite the difficulty I feel in waiting.  I try to find excitement in getting as healthy as I can and getting as much information as I can so that next time, we can be totally ready.  It will have been at least 6 months since the last miscarriage, and most likely at least 8 before we decide to try again, and I pray that my body will have healed and recovered much better as opposed to the 2-3 months in between the other pregnancies. 

Unfortunately the tests my new OB did came back to show that my Protein S and C are low (we are not sure if that means I am technically deficient yet or not).  So now not only do I have two things in my blood that increase clotting risk; we know that my body’s natural defense against blood clots isn’t working very well. So, double whammy there.  What I hope for at this time is healthy children in the future, while accepting that I will probably experience more losses as well in between those blessings.  I look forward to my specialist appointment and I hope I can feel the spirit as he talks to us so that I can know what is right for our family now.