The cycle continues.
About two to three months after a miscarriage, I find myself pondering
and imagining about “next time.” I start
to ponder what my “medical plan” will be, and even let myself dream just a
little bit of the uncontainable joy I would experience if I were ever able to
hold another newborn child of my own.
Granted, our next pregnancy is at least 10-11 months away if not more,
because we promised to take a break for at least a year. Four losses seem to leave you no choice but
that. And if that weren’t enough, I am
beyond terrified to get this implant cut out of my arm. I already find myself worrying about that
part even though it’s like a year away (get it together Amber, seriously). Regardless, a mother’s heart is a fertile
heart, and so I dream of when my miracle will come to me.
I’ve generally come to see clinics and doctor’s offices as
places that usually deliver bad news.
Tracking my last four pregnancies and losses took place in a doctor’s
office. So, naturally, I’ve come to
dislike them somewhat. Bad memory
triggers. Who likes going to the doctor
anyway, right? I was feeling particularly
somber today as I made my way to the InstaCare inside of the hospital for this
sinus infection that won’t die. I prefer
saline/over-the-counter remedies to antibiotics- but too many days of pressure
headaches motivated me to get a prescription.
The InstaCare is located just past the elevator that goes up to the
labor and delivery/OBGYN floor. So
naturally, I passed by several women nearing their due date, as well as several
tiny newborns nestled into their carseats.
I smiled a sad smile at them with a heavy heart and thought of my due dates
past, and one that I had coming up in August.
I took a deep breath and put on my brave face and grabbed a
magazine to flip through as I waited. In
that magazine I found a little boost of hope, even though I was surrounded an
environment that is very painful for me.
Let me flashback for a second. It was just last night I was discussing my
next “plan” with Kevin. I told him how
next time we take a positive pregnancy test, I really want it to be between us
and the Lord. Not because I want to be
irresponsible, but because no amount of medical intervention that we’ve done
has made the slightest difference. It
never bought us any more time. If it had
given us even a few more weeks I would be right back in the office, but nothing
ever changes in the slightest. What the
constant trips to the doctor has done, is help educate us. We know what conditions I have, and what I
don’t. We know what our options are, and
what we have tried. Most of all, we know
there is nothing they can technically “do” to save our pregnancies. I have been poked and prodded and evaluated
more times than I can remember. I have
tried aspirin with all kinds of varying timelines, daily lovenox injections,
hormone therapy, HCG monitoring, etc.
Now we know those things didn’t change the outcome, all they really gave
me was an insane amount of stress.
This
last pregnancy was the hardest. I don’t
think one can understand the stress of getting a test every 48 hours to find
out if your baby is still alive, unless you have been through it. Even the tests that came back well were
insanely difficult. They allowed me to
take a huge breath of relief for one more day, even though I was still filled
with worry and stress. When I got the
test back that told me baby had only grown 12% it was absolutely horrible. The emotional exhaustion was too much. I basically went home and waited for the life
to stop, and then to lose it. Finding
out you are losing your baby alone in the bathroom is horrible, but perhaps at
least a few weeks of hope instead of needles, calls from the nurse, and constant
monitoring is a blessing.
As far as medication, I still believe that aspirin is
important for me to take for both me and a growing baby. However, I think next time I won’t start on
it until we find out we are expecting. That’s what I did with Jack and it
worked. The doctors told me being on
aspirin while trying to conceive shouldn’t make enough of a difference to
determine the outcome of a pregnancy, but if that’s the case, it shouldn’t
matter if I take it beforehand or not.
Maybe my thinking is flawed here, but when you get to this point you
have to listen to your gut. I take the
aspirin before a positive pregnancy test to decrease the risk of microclotting
in the primitive placenta. Starting it
at 4 weeks is still very early, but I just have a feeling that the aspirin is
perhaps interfering with the implantation process when I take it earlier. There is no medical evidence to support this. I’ve started on aspirin pre-pregnancy twice,
and lost both. I’ve started on aspirin
after a positive test three times, and one of those was Jack. In fact, my pregnancy with Jack was the latest
I’ve ever started on aspirin. Which
tells me that it seems to be more of a preventative measure than something that
really affects outcome. The progesterone
I used in my last pregnancy didn’t buy me any more time and I didn’t use any
with Jack. Though I’m not opposed to
using it, it’s not medically proven or even recommended by my doctor for any
purpose.
These are the reasons why I feel peaceful when I imagine our
next pregnancy will just be between us and God.
If I make it to 6 weeks, I will practically run to the clinic, but the
stress of imagining the every-other-day appointments with no change in outcome
is simply too much. Our next step is a
fertility clinic. I just can’t imagine
being ready to jump into that world without giving my body one more
old-fashioned chance. Kevin agreed with
my thoughts and felt peaceful about the idea of trying once more next year,
using only aspirin once we find out there is a life growing. If, heaven forbid, we lose that baby, I will
surrender and work with a fertility clinic from that point.
Enough of the long back-story, back to the magazine. I was flipping through articles when
something caught my attention. An entire
page of writing with a large title, “Recurrent Pregnancy Loss.” What?!
Someone took the time to write about this in a normal magazine? It talked about some basic statistics and
then started talking about causation.
First it discussed chromosome abnormalities which are the
most common cause of miscarriage. Then
it discussed gene “translocation” which is one of the most common reasons for
losing three or more pregnancies in a row.
It’s where one of the parents have part of a chromosome attached to
another chromosome, which has somehow balanced out. It makes it difficult to have a healthy
embryo. My doctor and I have discussed
this. Testing is extremely expensive and
rarely yields a helpful result. Even if
you find out this is the reason, the only way to avoid it is to do IVF and
screen embryos…and even then, no guarantees.
I think we are a few years away from going down this road. If for no other reason, because it would be financially impossible. Plus, I just can’t get over the fact that my
very first pregnancy resulted in a healthy boy... if I really had a chromosome
issue? The statistics just don’t add up to me.
But I suppose it’s possible.
Next it discussed age and being an older mom (not my
problem). Then it talked about lack of
progesterone even though this is not a proven theory. We tried progesterone with no benefit noted. It talked about uterine abnormalities, which
is not my problem as it would have been noted with my pregnancy with Jack. Next was thyroid problems. Check.
I have hypothyroidism; however, it is well controlled with medication
and technically should have no causation in my losses. In fact, my thyroid usually is healthier
while I’m pregnant. Next was antiphospholipid
syndrome, which my hematologist thought I had, but the test came back
surprisingly negative. Next is blood
clotting problems. Check. Leiden Factor V, low protein C and S,
MTHFR. Check check check. The article explained how these could be
controlled with aspirin and heparin (similar to Lovenox) and increased live
birth rates. Tried it every time with no
luck.
Well here I was at the end of the article feeling pretty
discouraged. All of these reasons and
solutions, and no new direction to go in.
Perhaps in the end we would depend on a simple miracle after all. And then the last paragraph caught my eye.
70% chance of a miracle.
With no medical intervention.
There is a 70% chance that our next baby will be born and held safe and
warm in our arms. I hope that the more
times we try, our chances will only improve.
I am thankful for tender mercies such as this. The next time I am pregnant, I hope I can tell myself "there is a 70% change that this baby will be born" instead of "only one of my previous five pregnancies has been successful; my odds aren't good." Though I know our next pregnancy is a while
away, I felt peace in my plan as I read this. I want to keep the start of my next pregnancy at home and out of the office. I want to try and stay calm in the comfort of
my home, the support of my husband, and with strength from prayer. I know that our chances are still good of
having a healthy baby with very little medical intervention. I know that it will be better on me to have
that stress and worry removed. If it is
God’s plan for medicine to be more involved, we will find ourselves in a
fertility clinic and go that route after another loss. However, I have peace for now in our plan and
can look forward to it. 70%. That number makes me smile. God is aware of us. I am thankful for this kind reminder of
hope. My miracle may not be my next
pregnancy, or the one after that, but it will come to us somehow, someday. May 2015 be a year of miracles. Here’s to hoping and dreaming.
