The 1%

Among all women, about 20% of pregnancies unfortunately end in miscarriage.  Less than 1% of women will have 3 or more consecutive miscarriages in their life.  While I consider myself lucky in many areas of my life, this is an area I feel particularly unlucky in.  1%.  How did I not end up in the other 99% somehow?  It is a lonely and desolate place.  Though there is support to be found from women who have ever experienced a miscarriage, it becomes a different trial when you have lived through it four times in a row.  There is support from couples who struggle with infertility.  But again, it is not quite the same.  That loneliness can sometimes feel very heavy as I keep fighting to deal with the mourning and emptiness I feel almost daily. 

However, I was grateful when I learned of a woman (a friend of a friend) who has a beautiful child in first grade, but has endured losses in all the years since the birth of their first child.  She is pregnant now, and the baby is healthy and well past the point of their other losses.  Not only was her story miraculous and inspiring- I was simply amazed that there was someone else dealing with it.  I hope I don’t have to endure as many years as they have to meet my next miracle. 

She wrote me and gave me a little advice- saying the most important thing is to keep trying, as painful as it is.  She affirmed that once your body has done it once, you can do it again.  It's so good to hear that- sometimes I feel like people will think I'm foolish for trying again and again.  Not that it matters what others think in these situations, but it's still helpful to feel supported.  With every loss I become less shocked at the loss, and more shocked that I ever had a live birth.  If my mom hadn’t gone against my wishes and filmed my son being born I might not even believe it myself anymore.  My first pregnancy had no real complications and resulted in a healthy and thriving child.  I don’t know what could have possibly changed so much within me in a few short years.  However, I know that it happened and my child was in fact born, and so I have to keep trying because I know it is possible.  It may not be probable, but my body has done it before.  I have to trust that it can do it again.  The trick is finding that patience to endure.    

Though recurrent miscarriage is not an extremely common, I have been blessed and have connected with people who are in similar circumstances.  People I never would have met normally.  Friends, working alongside the internet, have connected me to a support system that has blessed my life.  I want to give back to someone else if I can.  Just the other week, someone told me of a relative who has struggled with recurrent miscarriages and is very discouraged.  I gave her my blog address hoping to either connect or support her somehow.  If anything good comes out of something bad- it makes a difference.  I try to reach out to people I connect with through these networks.  People don’t always write back, and I respect that privacy.  Really more than “talking about it” I just want to show love to these couples.  I want them to know that they are loved and that I feel their pain.  I want them to know that they are not alone, even though it really feels like it when you are mingling with 99% of people who don’t really understand.

It is a challenge in the 1% to wonder why you can't just “plan your family” like "normal people" but I am trying to keep a new attitude in mind- which is that everyone feels like that in some way.  We all try to reach this "normalacy" and when we struggle to get there it can be frustrating.  Whether it be getting a degree, finding a good job, buying a house, finding a loving spouse, having children, finding fulfillment in hobbies, etc.  I don't think it's "normal" to just "have it all" without the struggle.  Whatever your dreams may be.  So when I'm laying in bed feeling broken and feeling like the odd one out, I try to remember I have things going for me in my life that someone out there is wishing they had, like a "normal" person like me does.  We all struggle. We have to embrace our struggles with faith and have joy in what we have found. 

Comparison is the thief of joy.  Most of the time, I am very happy with my life and all of my blessings.  It's when I feel that emptiness that my trials bring, and see so many others around me with that fortune I wish for, that I start to feel despair.  And so, I am learning to not compare. I am learning to see my life as my own, and different from anyone else's.  Envy does nothing but hurt me.  I know there will always be sadness in my heart when I sit in my OBGYN clinic surrounded by beautiful round bellies full with life.  But sadness and righteous desire can be different from envy.  I want to be more Christlike in this behavior.  I want to feel joy for others in their good fortune.   

I'm afraid that it's never going to get better sometimes; that I will lose every pregnancy I’ll ever have, but I don’t want to let that fear get in the way of feeling joy for others. 

 Elder Holland is so wonderful as he describes this principle when speaking of the biblical parable of the Prodigal Son.  Specifically in this case, he is speaking of the elder brother:

"He is haunted by the green-eyed monster of jealousy. One who has heretofore presumably been very happy with his life and content with his good fortune suddenly feels very unhappy simply because another has had some good fortune as well."  -Elder Holland

I know that we all feel lonely in some areas of our lives, and no matter what “percentage” we find ourselves in, stretching ourselves and cultivating Christlike abilities to feel joy for others will bring us joy and peace in our hearts.