In All Honesty...

I really debated about posting these thoughts.  The biggest reason being that: I don’t feel like this all the time.  But when it hits, it hits hard, and it’s real.  I've always wanted my blog to be a message of hope, healing, and faith overall. But sometimes you have to write about the real raw stuff that makes any healing meaningful in the first place. So I apologize if this post is a downer. It's not easy to share, but I do want my message to be one of honesty. And writing is my outlet.

I hate that I can get so sad because, all in all, my life is wonderful.  Really.  I truly recognize that I have so many blessings. But for some reason I can't make that resonate when the sadness hits. It just hurts. No matter how many “worse things” there are in the world I just feel horrible. I start to have some self-hate. That helps absolutely nothing.

I hope time will bring some peace and self-love. I don't know what I'm looking for exactly. Sympathy can be a wonderful thing that reminds you that you are loved, but it doesn't change anything. The world keeps on moving and you're just trapped in your own emotions that feel pointless and damaging. Even though your brain knows it, you can’t just set it aside.

Depression is a hard thing to write about. I think what it really does- is make me over sensitive. I start to feel like an idiot all the time, like I'm always doing or saying the wrong thing. I question my worth. I even question the whole point of my blog, thinking maybe I've made myself into one big stigma of sorts, and have started to see my circumstances as my identity.

I crave for a vice, for anything to distract and dull my mind a little bit, because in between the moments of joy or contentment, I swan dive into sadness (which makes me feel worse about myself for not staying happy).  I start to feel like everyone is laughing at me behind my back and I just want life to pause for a while. If I am able to step back from the situation long enough, I begin to think all of this is just me not being able to process pain. Maybe mixed with some baby blues, without the baby. Just the postpartum hormones. Even though my pregnancy was short, the body changes are real. And my heart is so bipolar trying to focus on my blessings and the good things each day, and then in one moment completely crashing and burning.

I can cry at things that people say to me.  Like, normal, regular, everyday things with no relation to what I'm dealing with, and with no harm intended. Then I get frustrated with myself for doing that. When my pain killers were empty I was just wishing I could take one more to take the edge off.  I knew that was scary.  I know that's a bad sign. I had to admit to myself that I could be dealing with some depression.  I didn’t take any more pills.  Somehow I fought it off because that is one more thing I don’t need to deal with.  I'm not quite sure how I can best get through this in a healthy way, yet.  But I will get there.

My spirituality goes up and down but I'm trying to hang in there.  I’m so relieved to have a supportive husband who is a good listener and doesn't judge me even in my crazy.  I try to find a few reasons each day to get out of bed and really smile, even though I feel broken at the moment. I know I'll need some time. Even though I don't want to forget.  To be happy after a loss always makes me feel guilty.  But I don't want to hurt like this my whole life.

I want to be in charge. I want to make good use of my time and my life. Fill it with wonderful and meaningful things- no matter how many or few children I have. It is easier said than done, but I'm fighting to do it. And that's the honest truth, so I'm going to try not to beat myself up after posting this. I’m going to keep healing.  I’m not going to define myself by anything that life throws at me.