One Last Goodbye

I paid off the pregnancy today.  It made me feel relieved, and also sad. The bill was a surprise to us because of some insurance complications. Originally I thought it was going to be excruciating to continue to pay prenatal bills for a child who was never born, because every month I would have to revisit that fact in a very concrete manner. However, in time I found it to be healing. It was a way for me to still feel like their parent. After all, here I was, responsible to pay the medical bills incurred during their short life. I'm still their mother and I still needed to take care of those things. It was a reminder that I did everything I could to keep them alive. The payments recognized that they existed, and left an impression, even if it was small.

Now that the bills are paid off we can move forward with more diagnostic testing in our attempt to understand why these little lives end so quickly, so often. I'm thankful for those months of payments because it forced me to take time to grieve instead of distracting myself immediately with more tests. They existed, it mattered, I did everything I could to keep them alive, I nurtured them to the best of my ability according to the situation we were in, and I took care of the financial responsibilities their life left behind. It may have taken place over a few short weeks but it sounds like a parental relationship to me. My responsibilities for that little life may be finished for now, but my heart will treasure each moment we had. The tears in my eyes just thinking such a thing attest to that.

Babies dont just grow in mommies' bellies, but in their hearts, and that's what matters in the end. Mommies and daddies love all their little ones, no matter how small they are, no matter how long they are around. God giveth and God taketh away. All we can do is make the most of each moment He gives.

I've felt the love of a mother six times, and am blessed to continue to feel it each day with one of those special babies who made it here to share my life with.

And so one last goodbye to you, my little one, and everything I hoped and dreamed you would be. I wished so badly to meet you, hold you, raise you. But at least I got to love you. God had other plans and I'm learning to trust Him. I may have more children, but they will never be the same as you were. That matters. You matter.

All my love. Mom.