This has been a really hard week. No sugar coating it.
We started the week with Jack having surgery. He was so brave and really I can't complain about it- his doctors were fantastic, everything went smoothly, and the insurance approved the procedure. He had four days of recovery at home and was able to go back to school Monday and has managed amazingly well as he heals. Nonetheless, it is a scary and stressful event to have your child go through surgery. The worst part was watching him wake up from the anesthesia. It was one of the most terrifying experiences. He was screaming and wailing and rolling all around. He sobbed that he was hurting and even pulled out his own IV out of his foot. I was able to get in the bed with him and hold him tight to try and soothe him. After some pain meds and apple juice we were able to get him back to sleep, and he was much more himself when he woke up the second time. We had to do a couple asthma treatments because his lungs sounded tight after the procedure, but within two days they were clear again and he was able to get rid of his fever. I'm so thankful to God for taking care of my boy through the whole experience.
The surgery took a little longer than expected and I made the mistake of checking online to see if my blood work had come back to distract myself. Well the distraction worked. I checked my gestational diabetes screen and saw that I had failed it by 8 points. I felt a rock drop into my stomach. I passed my screen when I was pregnant with Jack no problem- what could have changed? I have tried to be so healthy during this pregnancy. I get less exercise than I did with Jack- mostly due to my back popping and sliding around with every move I make. I was in full time school with Jack and walked about 2 hours a day between all my classes. I did some reading on how to be healthy and keep my glucose lower. One thing was lower stress (hah..hah...hah.) I felt compelled to try a little more light exercise but this really will not be an easy task because I do struggle with some very real pain from the SPD.
The more I thought about failing the screen the more devastated I felt. "It's not your fault" they always say- it's just a hormone from the placenta blocking your insulin from working correctly. It's mostly out of your control. Even though I was still sure I would pass the 3 hour test I started to feel this horrible guilt and feeling of failure. Diabetes has such a horrible stigma surrounding it. I thought my cravings have been pretty healthy- mostly veggies and pitas. Sometimes fresh fruit. My worst craving is soda, but I tried to keep that under control. I know sometimes gestational diabetes just happens. Despite that sinking feeling in my stomach, I tried to put the worry out of my mind until I could do the actual glucose tolerance test.
We focused through the weekend on Jack's recovery and my wonderful family helped so much. Lots of my siblings (no this isn't all of them, not even close) came over and brought me dinner. We all ate and partied together and it warmed my heart to see how much love surrounds my son. He is so lucky to be so insanely loved and cared about by so many wonderful people!
I was able to get Aidia's clothes all washed up and put away in her dresser. It's helping my stress to check things off my list, and I love seeing our house prepare for a new arrival! I feel so overwhelmed with love for this sweet miracle baby. Sometimes it hits me out of nowhere and nearly knocks me off my feet how much I already love her. I still haven't completely made up my mind about the aspirin/herparin use decisions. That was stressful enough before the bad sugar screen. Luckily I still have about two months to decide before it would be time to implement a plan. Hopefully we can figure that out soon.
Then came the fateful day of the 3 hour test. They have you fast for 12 hours, have a fasting glucose taken, drink the most horrific drink ever, then test your blood once an hour for the next three hours. This tracks how your body is processing the glucose. I felt ready for the 4 blood draws but unfortunately it was much worse than anticipated. I got a new phlebotomist and she was obviously inexperienced. My veins are tough to get anyway, and some are scarred. Add dehydration and fasting to that and it's not a good combination. She had really painful deep sticks and couldn't always get blood to draw the first time. I was wishing they would just let the experienced girl draw it instead. The worst part is you have to stay at the doctor's for four hours without leaving-annnnnd their wifi went out, so I couldn't even watch shows to keep my mind distracted from the nausea the drink causes. By the last draw, it took her three sticks and I was emotionally done. Both my arms and hands were beat up, I hadn't had food in 16 hours, I was a pin cushion, emotional about the test anyway (and pregnant.) I started crying and once it started it was really hard to stop it. So embarrassing. One a good note, they let the experienced girl draw my blood once the tears started. She got it out of my hand on the first try. It was a miserable experience and I hoped it would be worth it to pass the GTT.
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| my sore arms and hands :( |
Once the shock wore off I realized I was either going to pass or fail by one point. They would have to decide if failing the two hour mark would be greater than 155, or greater than or EQUAL to 155. I started to feel that terrible sinking hopeless feeling. Even if they passed me, my body was not doing great. Either way I was really going to have to start watching protein and carb ratios to keep baby healthy. In that moment, adding one more health issue/complication was totally overwhelming.
It may sound over dramatic but diabetes has always been pretty high on my fear list. The risks and side effects are no picnic. The management alone is so work intensive. Finger sticks are my least favorite thing in the entire world. Having gestational diabetes is an indicator that you may develop regular diabetes later in life (half of women who are diagnosed with GD later develop DM.) Pregnancy is a stressor that tests your body's ability to control its sugar under stress. I've always been worried about my family history anyway.
My mind started racing with all the STRESS. Kevin's licensing test is in two weeks. We're trying to live on the last loan check we got until his first paycheck (assuming he can get a job by mid-December.) Baby is coming around the same time. It's scary to wonder if we'll have an income. For the first time in this pregnancy, the excitement faded and I felt dread set in. How am I going to do this? Can I survive ten weeks of diabetes? Will it go away right after birth? 6 weeks later? Am I really strong enough to handle this and haven't we been through enough for this baby already? I started wondering about the risks to Aidia. If this really was GD she will need extra monitoring. She is at risk for hypoglycemia and diabetes later in life. There's a risk for preeclampsia and pre-term birth. I think it can all be managed but it hit me all at once. We all just need to be healthy! I want to give my baby a healthy start! Is she really going to be ok?
Some of these feelings come from the frustration of watching my health fly out the window through my 20s. After I finished nursing Jack (I was almost 22) I started getting really sick and gaining weight. Eventually it was diagnosed as Hashimotos and we started treatment. My energy has never been the same, and despite being more careful with diet and exercise I still gained about 10 pounds a year since then. Six miscarriages in the last 4 years. Each seemed to worsen my health. Eventually I was diagnosed with MTHFR. I was able to see a GI doc and try to get the pelvic floor dyssynergia under control but it got worse first. I started having really bad anxiety and panic attacks by around age 24. Depression followed but I was able to be treated and get it under control within a year or so. I thought your 20s were supposed to be when you were in your best health?! Now I have bad sugar and I'm concerned about keeping it under control...now and later in life.
I had a really bad panic attack about 430am after dreaming about the blood results all night. It was the worst I've had in a year. I couldn't take meds for it, but Kevin sat up with me and helped me try and steady my breathing. Eventually he gave me a blessing, which is a strength I really needed. I called the nurse about 830am and she said she wasn't sure what they would do with the 155 mark, I would have to wait for a call from the diabetes nurse to confirm or deny the diagnosis. It was a long and painful wait today.
Well I prayed for accurate results, but I really wish they would have been a few points higher or lower so it would have been more obvious what we needed to do. Suddenly food felt like an "enemy" as my friend put it. I'm scared to eat anything that could have too many carbs and be bad for baby. I'm also scared to not get enough calories. I don't know what to eat- I look through my kitchen and nothing seems balanced properly. I need to make a trip to the store for sure. Goodbye Halloween candy, thanksgiving dinner, and holiday treats. Goodbye pregnancy cravings. Most painful of all, goodbye Dr. Pepper my one true vice.
The nurse never did call me back today with the decision. So my fate is still hanging in the balance haha. I think all I can do for now is eat the best I can, and try to get some sleep. Breathe in and out. Remember that I can do hard things. Feel my baby kick and remind myself that she is ok. I will find out what the office decided soon enough.
Sometimes it's an abstract thought to do things for a baby you haven't actually "met" yet. It helps when I feel her move around and I can remember what all of this is for. It helps me to think of how much I love Jack Jack and how I would do anything for him. We got his birthday pictures back this week, and wow what a cutie! Leaving this post on a happy note, with his smile :) Hopefully this next week goes better.
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