“Everyone can master grief save he who has it”
-William Shakespeare
Everything in PINK is something that we've been diagnosed with (and are treating or have treated.) For example, MTHFR, Hashimotos, Progesterone supplementation, DNA fragmentation, folate issues, aspirin therapy, Lovenox injections, etc.
Everything in BLUE: things that have been ruled out or procedures that have not worked. Like I've been tested twice for APS and I don't have it. I've tried LMWH to prevent loss with no luck. Also I don't have uterine abnormalities, etc.
The YELLOW is what we haven't done. Most of those things are out of reach. For example "no immunological test is currently recommended" when talking about "natural killer" cells. Or talking about IVF with ICSI
Everything highlighted really shows so many years. So many doctors. And so much money.
The YELLOW is what we haven't done. Most of those things are out of reach. For example "no immunological test is currently recommended" when talking about "natural killer" cells. Or talking about IVF with ICSI
Everything highlighted really shows so many years. So many doctors. And so much money.
Last Saturday we had our Karyotyping done. In a nutshell, when these results come back, it will show if Kevin and I both have normal chromosomes, or if someone has a chromosome that is “balanced” or flipped, translocated, etc. Basically, when that happens, you turn out normal, but it gets tricky when the “unzipping” and pairing of reproducing happens because fatals trisomies can occur in a new baby frequently if you have an issue like that. Karyotyping is usually more of a last-resort type test because you can’t really “treat” it other than doing IVF and genetically screening the embryos before transferring them (not in our realm of possibility for many reasons.) Some people might also use a sperm or egg donor in some cases, but after having two healthy kids of our own I don’t feel like we will go down that road either.
We certainly have enough risk factors stacked up against us, where it is possible our karyotyping could be normal. That’s the hope. Our odds would be better. I would hope so for our kids too just in case anything "balanced" got passed on (if it was abnormal.) However, at this point, with 7 losses, I would not at all be surprised if something is off with chromosomes somewhere. It’s pretty hard for me to imagine normal results coming back. I just want to know what we’re dealing with so I know how possible or impossible the odds are. 1/5? 1/20? Knowing may help us be more realistic in knowing when it’s time to stop. We are anxiously waiting on results. The lab told me to call in one week, but I got an email today (9 days after the draw) entitled "Karyotype Results" which stated the results still hadn't come in and to try in another week. Face palm.
Easter was hard. I don't know what's been more difficult. Mourning the loss of Vincent and thinking about the announcement I would have been making on Easter, or trying to brace myself that our "last baby" we dreamed of really might not be in the cards. Everything I'm thankful for doesn't take away that pain. I’ve tried to justify the hurt away; I've tried to tell myself to be a better mother for the children I do have. I tell myself how blessed I am, how lucky I am to have any living children at all. I've tried to dream bigger for my career. But it appears the only way to deal with grief is by going straight through it. Telling myself anything else just feels like a big fat lie. Regardless of the fact that there are worse things in the world, we are in a horrible state of limbo and grief (compounded grief) at the same time, and that sucks.
My brain doesn't like disequilibrium. Doesn't vibe well with me. I swing back and forth so hard. Just trying to somehow make it ok in my mind. One day I'll think, we can just try until it happens even if I lose my mind. The next day I realize I can’t take it, and say we can be finished and have a great life with the children we have and I’ll just ignore the heart pangs and come home and cry every night.
If I have to make my peace somehow I will. But either way, floating out here in the middle of not knowing is probably most painful of all.
We both know we have one try “left in us” before we break. That would make ten pregnancies, which just seems absurd. Far be it from me to give God an ultimatum. That's not what I'm trying to do. All I'm trying to say in my prayers lately is I've just about had it. Physically, mentally, spiritually. So if we're meant to raise a third, I feel like I need Him to send that miracle with the next pregnancy. Because at that point I maybe will have done all I can do. I just don't think I can go through what I went through to get Aidia again. 6 losses and 5 years. Really it's putting my faith in Him. I trust I will be okay no matter what happens. Even if it’s not for a very long time. Even if it always hurts. But I am really scared about it.
I have been suffering too much, too long. I want to be happy for a while, when my kids are still young. Enjoy the day to day.
I think I would be ecstatically surprised if our next baby survived and was healthy. I'm just not really planning on it. In our minds, I think in a way we’ve already lost the next one. I try not to think that way though.
We could have quit while we were ahead with Aidia. But we really, truly thought we solved “the problem.” We thought we could have as many more kids as we wanted. It seems harder to decide your baby is your last when she’s already two and a half.
Sometimes, I tell myself all these things I can have in my life, if I only have two children. Especially with the age gap. But it's painful because I know it's not what I ACTUALLY want in comparison. If I could choose.
All I can do is give our next pregnancy every best chance we can. The rest is in the hands of God. Doctors and science have done what is in our realm of possibility. We started on this medical journey in 2012. There are some things that we will try medication/supplements wise I’m sure next time, but we’ve been down that road so many times.
It was suggested to me that maybe our last baby wouldn’t be close in age to Aidia, but maybe if it was meant to happen, it would just happen in 4 or 5 years. If only I could just leave it to fate like that. I will get pregnant any time I'm not actively trying to prevent it. I can't just hope for a miracle someday. I can't just be pregnant twenty times in my life and watch them all die. It would be "too easy" to just let it go and live our life and hope for a miracle. We have to make a conscious choice. It’s so much harder. Choose to be done before we want to be. It’s the problem with being fertile with infertility. Or recurrent loss. Whatever you want to call it. I just feel stuck.
I mean maybe I'm not at peace yet because it's not finished yet. And maybe it will be different after our next (possibly last) try. For that little soul to be wherever they need to be. I just feel like in my mind I've already lost them and that's so difficult. And I don't know how I will ever put that baby hunger to bed for good. There are worse things in the world but that doesn't really help either.
Working in a hospital I end up around pregnant or laboring moms in all kinds of circumstances, and because of where I'm at in my journey that can be painful for me. But working in a hospital certainly also keeps me grounded in the reality of how fortunate I am as I see situations that make me pause and count my blessings every shift. Life is just to no one.
Be still my soul. The Lord is on Thy side. We hear that a lot, but if we really think that God is on our side, it helps doesn’t it?
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