Let’s start with happy updates! I love to post symphony memories on my blog because music is such a light in my life. The summer concert was great, and I can’t wait for the Disney spring concert at Abravanel Hall. I am incredibly sad that I’ll be missing this year’s holiday season; I signed a contract at the hospital to work the graveyard shift every Friday, Saturday, and Sunday for four months. That schedule puts me missing every rehearsal. I’m a glutton for punishment.
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| John Williams Concert Summer 2024 |
I was also able to go see Hozier in concert with my little brother. Ethereal concerts like that are always lovely and border on being an out-of-body experience. It was so peaceful, and a wonderful break in the busy day-to-day.
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| Hozier concert with my brother |
It’s been more than 5 years of waiting. It’s been procedures, testing, treating, discussing, and planning. I’m done with the hypotheticals and so ready to try for an actual baby. We had a plan in place and were granted the go-ahead from the fertility clinic. It turned out to be “hurry up and wait” for my body to be ready. After a grueling 50-day cycle (a long cycle due to recovery from the surgery), I finally started a new cycle and began the Femara to support ovulation.
Despite a good track record of being able to become pregnant, I put my new HSA to work and purchased an Inito monitor to watch the interplay of all my hormones through the month. It’s a more accurate way to track ovulation to help with trying to conceive. I’m older now and things take more time. I’m feeling the pressure of that biological clock because I never wanted to attempt pregnancy after age 35. It’s impressive to watch the exact timing of each hormonal shift during the month. Check out the promo pics of this technology because it’s been pretty amazing for me to use. I’m impressed with my body for doing exactly what it’s supposed to be doing (especially because all those hormones moving up and down simultaneously is such a complicated process).
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I’ve never taken any medicine to support ovulation before. In fact, I was a little hesitant to use it (like I was kind of scared of twins). The logic makes sense, though. If I get a strong, healthy ovulation- that supports all the hormones I need for a healthy early pregnancy and reduces the chance that I would need to prophylactically supplement progesterone the way I’ve done in the past. In that scenario, you have to start supplementing two days after ovulation- nearly two weeks before you could take a pregnancy test. It’s a twice a day vaginal suppository and it’s not fun. Plus it delays/messes up your cycle if you aren’t pregnant. I’ve supplemented that way with multiple pregnancies- and for about 15 weeks with Aidia. If I can avoid that I’m ALL for it.
It’s one giant limbo step at a time. First we have to wait to successfully conceive. Then we’ll have to see if the baby will survive. Then decide if we’re done with this part of our lives. I’m to the point where I think I can make peace with almost anything. I just want to be through with limbo.
My first month on the ovulation meds wasn’t easy. I had painful bloating, weight gain, hormone headaches- all those wonderful side effects. My whole abdomen feels so uncomfortable. I have to find a way to also focus on my health during treatment. I hate the rapid weight gain and feel terrible. The scale and I are NOT friends right now, in fact I’m quite frightened of it. Fatigue, pain, and burnout are a real problem. Especially working long shifts with inconsistent sleep.
A week after finishing femara I started thinking it was a mistake to stimulate my ovaries like this. The pain was comparable to an intense ovarian cyst. I worried about OHSS (ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome). I did talk to the fertility clinic about it and got some information about what to be watching out for. Usually OHSS isn’t caused by an ovulation med alone; but, I had about two days where it was hard to breathe through the pain. I kept hot packs on at work and did my best to get through it. Luckily it didn’t last too long.
It feels like there’s about 10,000 factors we need to go right, and we are controlling any we can. I am shocked to see anyone just get pregnant and deliver a healthy baby. The miracle of it astounds me more and more. I spend most of my time around sick newborns, or babies born with congenital abnormalities. I’m awestruck watching them make the progress they do. I’m amazed at those little miracles and the fight they have in them.
Each teeny tiny cellular step in early pregnancy is crucial, and really a miracle. I think if I weren’t quite so traumatized, I would love to get into embryology. It’s fascinating.
I take care of a lot of NICU babies with what are called “midline defects.” Lots of women say not to stress about meds or even alcohol before a positive pregnancy test, but I’m over here with a skewed life view. Those defects normally happen before you would even know you are pregnant. I just see these cellular processes in my mind constantly.
I’ve worked hard to not let anxiety or feeling helpless take over my life, especially during times where there’s a chance I could be pregnant. The truth is: if the baby is healthy, there's not much you can do to accidentally hurt it without hurting yourself. I try to tell myself that several times through the day to still the anxiety.
Once we entered the “two-week wait” to see if I was pregnant, I felt a mix between exhilaration and a “buyer’s remorse” type of dread. Wondering what events I may have just put into motion. It’s been over 5 years since I’ve been in this situation. Old memories and trauma suddenly feel way too close to the surface. Anticipatory grief gets in my way of even daydreaming of a happy ending.
I've done some pretty deep soul searching through this process. Lots of pondering on the point of life and what I genuinely want out of life. I've already seen a lot of suffering in the NICU and can feel my perspective shift as I spend so much time in that environment. My friend needed to interview me about high-risk pregnancy and loss for her BSN. I filled out questions about how it’s affected my life, well-being, spiritual/emotional/mental health. What a sobering thing to remember that it has changed me in every way.
In dealing with anticipatory anxiety of pregnancy after loss (a place I've been far too many times), I can feel my psyche slipping back into those familiar ruts of devastation. I've been looking into daily affirmations/meditation, which truly has never been my thing. But I’m trying it because I would like to actually feel positive instead of just saying I’m being optimistic.
I’m trying to keep my body healthy, well-rested, and strong enough to do this. It feels like a big ask working full time nights with kids at home. I struggled with guilt if I needed to take a dose of medicine, even when I was a week out from being able to take a pregnancy test. Cutting my doses has left me with a lot of flu-like pain. The kind where your skin feels zappy/sore and your bones ache. It’s left me feeling restless and ineffective in daily tasks. It’s hard to think about anything but the pain and exhaustion from it. Those few weeks felt like going cold turkey off my meds, though I tried my best to taper. One more reason I hope it doesn’t take long to conceive; I don’t want to go through this for no reason.
At 9 days past ovulation, I started mildly spotting. The description was textbook implantation bleeding, so I was hopeful that the cycle had been successful. However, by the next day it gave way to red bleeding. It was nearly a week too soon to start my period so I was confused about what might be going on.
By cycle day 25, I started full-on bleeding, which totally shocked me. My period came super early. I don’t have a history of a luteal phase defect, so I did not see that curve ball coming. It did feel devastating if I’m telling the truth, especially since I had done the round of Femara.
Even though I was sad the cycle didn’t work out, it was much easier than being in limbo. I stopped holding my breath and could focus on normal life for a few weeks. The fertility clinic was surprised my cycle ended so quickly. They want to draw blood earlier in my next cycle and see how my progesterone is looking 7 or 8 days past next ovulation.
Time is a thief, and somehow * just like that * I have a teenager now. My sweet baby Jack turned 13 last week. There’s going to be a finite amount of time we’ll be able to endure the stress of trying for a baby. My kids are getting older and need my full attention in different ways than when they were younger. And a minimum 14 year spread is a huge age gap (remember when I was so worried about 2-3 years between my kids? Haha.)
I hope it doesn’t take long to conceive. My problems have usually related to keeping the baby, not getting pregnant. All the meds, testing supplies, high quality vitamins, doctor consults, blood draws, etc add up quickly each month. I still need to pay off the recent surgery. It’s all getting a bit expensive.
I occasionally reality-check myself. When I started this blog after my third consecutive miscarriage, I was 22 years old. TWENTY-TWO. I need to somehow wrap my mind around the concept that I am, in fact, 34 years old now. Things aren’t going to work exactly the same. It might take some actual time to get pregnant.
In your early 20s, you have about a 25% chance of pregnancy each month. At age 30, it’s at 20% chance each month. Starting at 32, your chances gradually but significantly decrease. During my age bracket, age 34-36, the chances of conception are 56% within SIX months.
I think my chances are still good given my history. All 9 of my pregnancies occurred in about 1-2 months of trying. However, after our loss in 2019, we tried again for 6-7 months without success. We took a break for several years because I felt dangerously close to actual mental collapse. I had to find other pursuits to pour my passion into. But trying again has always been in the back (or front) of my mind. It was always part of the plan. I assume now that we weren’t able to get pregnant for those 7 months due to chronic endometritis (which we didn’t know was still unresolved.) I was 29 at that time.
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| I turned 34 this month. Which is weird since I’m 17?? |
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