In Awe of all the “Normals” (Weeks 17-21)

Week 17:

It’s been so exciting to start gathering baby supplies. I’m always nervous in the back of my mind that something bad could happen before baby could ever use these beautiful things, but I try to envision her enjoying them instead.

I did feel brave enough to buy her “take-home outfit” for the hospital stay and it’s absolutely perfect for a little girl named Ivy.

My 17 week OB appt went quickly and smoothly. While walking out, I nearly bumped into a woman checking into the office. Tears were streaming down her face and she was stifling sobs. My heart just broke in two. I don't know what brought her to the office or what's causing her distress, but I have been that woman so many times. I quickly hid my own belly with my coat as I walked past. Life can be so unfair. I'm lucky to be in a season where my OB appointment brings joyful news and peace, and not living through those moments when 7 pregnancies ended in devastating loss. To those still in that waiting period and those suffering, I have not forgotten you and I'm so sorry for your pain.

Work continues to be somewhat of a struggle, but it is much more manageable now that I’ve reduced my hours. I’m so relieved we were able to work out the FMLA with HR because otherwise I probably would have had to quit. Aidia gets so sad lately when I go to work. Even though I’ve scheduled myself in a way that really minimizes any time she has a babysitter instead of mom or dad. I just can’t stand to see her sad. She has it better than lots of other kids her age who have working parents but it is tough to watch! Aidia told me, “I can’t wait for Ivy to be born because then you’ll stay home and not work all night.” I think of all the parents out there struggling- it’s just not the kind of world where a family can survive on one income anymore and I know there’s a lot of heartache and struggle because of that. I hope I find a way to take a big stretch of time off work to stay home with my new babe. 

My ultrasound at 17 weeks was one of my favorites. I was able to see such a good profile of this little girl!

Profile

Sucking her thumb

Perhaps my favorite part was this amazing clip that shows her practicing swallowing in the womb. I knew babies did this but I had never seen it on an ultrasound! Amazing how fast we become proud of our children. She is doing everything she’s supposed to! The relief is hard to explain as I watch her develop exactly as she should. And look at those little lips go!

Week 18:

I’m so excited that I was able to start symphony again (part time). It’s always a commitment, but it’s good for the soul! We are playing a Disney concert this Spring at Abravanel Hall. Finding a work/life balance is hard, even without hobbies, but the mental health benefits are immense. 

I’m not planning on buying a bunch of clothes, but here’s the little haul I bought for the newborn stage. I know this stage won’t last long, so we don’t need much! The clothes are so soft and tiny and perfect. I love to hold them close and imagine her in my arms. It’s the earliest stage of nesting, but I’m thankful we have the halfway mark in view. We weren’t sure we would ever be here again! I’m so reassured that baby’s kicks are getting stronger; a wave of relief washes over me every single time.

Though work is getting better, I had the sinking realization that I can't leave work before delivery because I would lose my insurance. Even though we’re planning to try and switch to Kevin's insurance, the deductible would start over (and all my prenatal care is billing to my current insurance.) So this year’s medical bills (and delivery) would cost like twice as much. I hope I'm tough enough to stay until I can take a maternity leave. Paid or unpaid. To be honest though, I don't know how we can afford insurance through Kevin's work. We were last quoted an additional $1300 for the monthly premium to add myself and 3 kids. It is exponentially more. America- it feels like you hate moms sometimes 😩 I’m going to keep working on other possibilities. 

Week 19:

I’ve started to have some pretty bad panic attacks again. Amazingly, they aren’t related to worry about the baby, but they are intense and hard to come out of sans medication. I’ve tried all the techniques I learned in therapy, but it gets to the point where it feels involuntary. It compounds on itself because the harder it is to breathe and take in air, the more scared I am that I'm not getting enough oxygen to the baby (which increases the panic.) 

The panic attacks just affirm to me that it is the right choice for this pregnancy to be our last. I've been scared to move forward with scheduling a vasectomy for Kevin until we're further along. Even though I know, that even if something tragic happened, I think we would still be done. We planned to be done even if I had miscarried in the beginning. It still feels scary though.

5 Months:

HALFWAY POINT!

It sounds so morbid, but I think those who have been through recurrent loss will understand. It’s such a relief to make it to 20 weeks because we’ve passed the point of being able to have a “miscarriage.” If a tragedy occurred now, it would be a stillbirth. I’m thankful that I’m past the point of the ER and would go to L&D if problems started. 

There were so many times with my losses that I wished I could at least hold my baby and meet them, have a funeral, and have the loss recognized. I felt like people would understand my pain more if that had happened. It is a morbid milestone but truly, this is a happy thing for me and it brings relief to cross this threshold. Studies have shown that whether a mom loses a baby in the first trimester or in the third, the grief response is very similar. I am not trying to compare pain or pretend I’ve been through something I haven’t- I’ve seen parents lose newborns in the NICU and I would never want to say my experience was the same as theirs. 

All that being said, it finally feels like my new tiny daughter is far enough along to be recognized as her own little person. We’re only a few weeks away from viability. Now that I’ve seen what is actually entailed in keeping a 23 or 24 weeker alive, it’s the last thing I would ever want my baby to go through. However, it is amazing that those kids can often pull through and have the quality of life they do, even with the long term complications. I’m glad to be a part of the team that tries to give those babies every possible chance. It will be a relief to know once we hit that magic viability point, there would at least be attempts to save her life if something happened.

The last of the super soft PJs came and look what the color is named!

Ivy had her big head-to-toe anatomy scan at the MFM, and they couldn’t find a single problem. I could stare at all those “normals” listed all day long, but I don’t stop being in awe by it. 

Seeing Ivy healthy has made all the difficulty and jumping through hoops worth it. All the pain and expense of medical procedures seems nearly forgotten. The stress has been immense but it is all paying off.

I'm feeling her rolls, turns, and somersaults more now. It’s wonderfully reassuring. I do have an anterior placenta again, so it was been harder to feel kicks earlier on.

Since I had gestational diabetes with Aidia, I’ve been very aware of my carb intake during this pregnancy. I’ve been trying to eat protein over carbs and avoid certain foods with a high glycemic index. I’ve been cooking more than I have in years- trying to bring some balance, protein, and veggies to our meals. Despite my intentions, I found out I’ve gained 20 pounds in the first half of this pregnancy. I should have gained about 10 by this point. It’s very discouraging!  I only gained 8 pounds total with Aidia. With Jack I gained about 35, slow and steady through the whole pregnancy. Though my family is thankful for all the home cooked meals, I’m worried I have some insulin resistance going on. They will test me again for gestational diabetes somewhere between 26-28 weeks. I will be surprised if I pass. I dread those 4x a day finger sticks. Especially working as a nurse, putting on sanitizer 5000 times a day. If I have to have sore fingers for 3 months, it will be worth it for a healthy babe, but it sure is crummy. I hope the weight gain slows down. My iron and thyroid will be tested again around the same time as the diabetes screen. I chew ice all day most days so here’s to hoping I’m not anemic as well!

Week 21:

Woah, Braxton Hicks contractions already? While my OB said this “could” be normal with a third child, that I should rest, hydrate, and change positions when they start. She said to call if I’m getting them every ten minutes or if they get increasingly painful. I couldn’t believe how many I was getting and it really scared me. Usually if I took a warm bath I could get them to stop. Putting my feet up for a little bit also seemed to help. This contradicts her advice to get more exercise to help with the weight gain, because if I so much as climb the stairs too quickly they seem to start up again. I need to keep this baby in for 4 more months! I’m sure they will just be uncomfortable but won’t actually cause any changes. Just one more thing to keep me anxious- I’m going to up my magnesium. 

My OB said we will plan on an induction at 39 weeks. I’m all for other people waiting to go into labor naturally, but for myself, I’m terrified of a stillbirth the longer I go. In my immediate family there is a history of two full term little girls who passed away right before birth. This family member and I have lots of health conditions/history in common, so it’s very difficult for me to not assume my risk is extremely high. I hit 39 weeks on my sister’s birthday, so right now I’m counting down to 39 weeks +1 (the time I was induced with Aidia). I’m sure I won’t know the exact schedule until the week of. 

We updated the wall where we’ve had the kids’ baby pictures hanging the last several years. I love seeing three frames where the two previously were! It’s going to be wonderful to update the ultrasound picture to a newborn photo. Every time I walk up the stairs, I feel thankful that we can complete our family on the terms we always hoped for. 

I’m anxiously excited to keep progressing in this pregnancy. Sometimes I feel crazy, but Kevin validated me when he said he also feels impatient and nervous. He wants everything to be finished and everyone to be healthy. I’m handling the anxiety mostly okay. Sometimes a random trigger will pop up at work. The other night, I was helping a new mom learn to breastfeed and it made me so excited to have my own new baby again. I think that excitement is what triggers the anxiety that something might go wrong and then I get nervous. 

Now that I’m in my 22nd week, Ivy is about 11 inches long and likely weighs just over a pound. We have some difficult challenges at home that we are navigating right now, but fortunately none of them have to do with this sweet babe. She is a light in my life when things start to feel dark. I’m so thankful she is healthy and growing. 

Seems Too Good To Be True (Weeks 10-16)

Weeks 10-11:

I cannot wait for that "second trimester energy" to hopefully show up in a month or so. I have so many projects to work on and I am dog tired all the time. I still struggle to accept that I’m having a baby. It seems too good to be true. Deep down, I wonder if I embrace it, maybe the worst will happen.

I had my blood drawn at 10 weeks for genetic testing and results took about a week to come back. They were emailed to me at about 330am, when I happened to be on my lunch break at work. I was alone in the break room, so I took the quiet moment to review the results.

I was in absolute shock! Not only am I getting the girl I hoped for, she's healthy. No chromosomal problems identified out of those that were tested. Since many newborns I care for at work are affected by these things, it felt even more unlikely! 

I wanted to tell Kevin in a cute way that we are having a girl, so I bought a little pink outfit with flowers and wrapped it up in a present for him to unwrap. He opened it with an excited smile- then I saw a frantic type of look as he asked me, “I’m so sorry, what is it?!” Kevin is color blind and saw the outfit as white, black, and green- and couldn’t figure out what that meant! A surprisingly fun memory. 

The little gender reveal posts I put on social media were met with so much excitement and support from loved ones. I just kept thinking, “Please keep praying for this sweet baby girl everyone, we have a long way to go.”

As you can see in the video, Aidia is beside herself with joy. She told me, “I’ve wanted to be a middle child for so long.” Hahaha. She has also decided that she should be in 7th grade because, “It took me five years to be born.”

I’ve really been struggling with Jack’s mood disorder. Nothing makes me sick to my stomach in quite the same way as his mental health episodes do. There’s no manual for this and I struggle to understand how to respond appropriately. It is deeply distressing. It’s so painful to watch a child struggle. Sometimes it seems the more we try to help, the worse it gets. (And yes, we attend therapy with him, and have for over 7 years). How am I going to help him become independent? How will I ensure he’s safe when he isn’t supervised all the time? To think of being blessed with this brand new little life to nourish sometimes will suddenly terrify me- because how can I also take care of my son? What if I have already failed him? He was doing really when Kevin and I were doing fertility treatments, but has declined since then. That’s the thing with mental health- it ebbs and flows. 

Am I up for all the challenges of parenting a teenager? The idea itself kind of paralyzes me. It’s overwhelming, and I will need to do it with a newborn. Aidia will be solidly in middle childhood. I feel all over the place.

I'm starting to feel those little butterfly flutters of baby’s movements. Thank goodness. I can't wait for them to get stronger. I never want to endure a first trimester and all its anxiety again. The movements are slight and intermittent, but they are there.

Thanksgiving 2024

We started going through the limited baby supplies that we kept in storage. One of my favorites is the woombie, which looks like a little bed that I like to lay the baby on if they are on the floor playing. It’s one of the few things I’ve had since Jack was born (highly recommend!) My cats have never used any kind of cat bed. Ever. Won’t go near one. The second this made an appearance, they won’t sit anywhere else! Gus and Merlin want to assure me that THEY are the babies.

Some tough honesty: every time I come to work I just want to quit. I feel like my heart just isn't in it right now. I just feel too awful all of the time. I know working full time nights is too much on me. I can feel it all the way through my bones. I’m so desperate, and I wish management would allow me to go part time instead of saying stay full time or quit.

I often drive home sobbing. Sometimes I can't see out of one of my eyes from a migraine. I leave my house around 530pm and usually make it home by 820am, and it is an absolute marathon. I hit a breaking point, while trying to safely finish my commute. I was trying not to throw up while driving on the busy freeway and wondered WHAT AM I DOING?! 

Every time I hit the point where I decide I just have to quit, I worry how we would survive without my income. And especially without my insurance! I go round and round with hypotheticals. I think about getting a different job or staying home, but I always seem to encounter some barrier that feels impossible. Deep down I'm terrified that I'm risking my baby to keep working like this. That’s gotta be the PTSD from all the previous losses, but it’s still a very real struggle. 

I’m so sad. I never wanted to leave the NICU. I just don’t know what to do. What’s more stressful? Burning it at both ends during a high risk pregnancy, or financial stress and pressure? I really don't want to give up this job. I worked for years and years to make it here. I’ve split up my shifts through the week as much as possible (trying not to work 3 nights in a row) but even when I’m home for a few days in between shifts, I’m just trying to recover. The pain and fatigue of a flare up lasts for days, and without meds, I feel like I (almost) recover just in time to go back to work. 

Weeks 12-13

I ended up calling the HR department in desperation, wondering if they had any ideas of how I could continue working in my current circumstances. They seemed surprised that my manager wouldn’t let me change to part time (it’s a unit policy, not a company or hospital one). I explained I’m not trying to take leave where I would get paid for hours not worked, I only want to reduce my hours. 

They were very helpful. They explained there was a type of intermittent FMLA that they could file for me under the Pregnant Workers Fairness Act, if a physician filled out paperwork stating I could not be scheduled for more than 24 hours per week. My health struggles come from not being able to manage my chronic conditions with medications due to pregnancy- not necessarily the pregnancy itself. But in the end, pregnancy is the major contributing factor. The nature of the job puts a lot of strain on everyone, with the lack of sleep and long hours. I think it really exacerbates the nerve pain, migraines, and exhaustion. I can’t switch to day shifts because Kevin still leaves for work early in the morning and gets home after dinner time; I wouldn’t have anyone to take kids to school, pick them up, etc.  
HR did mention that if I take this type of leave to reduce my hours, it could impact my maternity leave. I may only qualify for 6 weeks instead of 12. However, I’m already thinking I won’t qualify for paid leave, and I’ll just cross that bridge when I get there. Because this is not sustainable. 

I feel so guilty about all of this. I have a good job, in my chosen field, with good benefits. How many people are struggling through 2 or 3 miserable jobs to make ends meet? I feel too needy. Kevin says I should have married a sugar daddy. 

I’m so happy to be 3 months and getting close to leaving the most dangerous weeks behind. I’ve definitely had moments of panic. I cleaned out the closet all day, nothing crazy, but lots of folding and bending, moving totes and bags. I was 12 weeks + 3 days, and when I finished cleaning I started spotting. First time seeing blood this pregnancy and it was absolutely terrifying. Why does bleeding only ever happen at 5pm on a Friday?! I probably overdid it. After an anxious night, I was thankful that there was no sign of bleeding the next day. There was still a strong heartbeat on the Doppler. 

I’ve been trying not to splurge on any expensive baby stuff. The third time around, I feel like I know what’s an actual need and what is just extra stuff taking up space. That being said, I just had to get a minky blanket for my new little one. I almost went and bought one as an act of faith once we found out we were expecting, but I decided to wait until we knew boy or girl, because this might actually become a special baby blanket. This one felt absolutely perfect! Especially because we know what we are naming her! 

Ivy Laine Hanni. I have loved the name Ivy since I was 17 years old. Unfortunately for me, that name has skyrocketed in popularity in the past ten years, but I remember writing it down as a teenager so I have claim to it! The Greek origin of the name Laine means: ”Shining/Brilliant.” Ivy Laine is sophisticated and feminine, and I like that it hints at wordplay like “ivy lane.” An absolutely gorgeous name for a miracle girl. It took Kevin a few weeks to decide if that’s the middle name he wanted but we decided it suits her better than anything else could.

13 weeks + 1 day

My 13 week check up went well- they didn’t see any residual bleeding. Baby had her hands up by her mouth a lot and was moving around constantly! I was told I might have another anterior placenta which can make it hard to feel some of baby’s movements (I was really hoping that wouldn’t happen, a little reassurance goes so far these days). 

I walked in to that OB appointment armed with the FMLA paperwork from HR for the Pregnant Workers Fairness Act. I tried to quickly explain how and why work was feeling so impossible. Why it was not sustainable. They refused to sign the paperwork, saying “pregnancy is not a disability” and if it was that bad, I might just have to quit. They said my issues sounded more like fibromyalgia management due to being pregnant, not the pregnancy itself (which I agree with). Because of that, they said the office did not want to be responsible for signing the paperwork and hopefully my neurologist or family practice doctor would sign instead if I really needed it. 

I totally understood the OB’s point of view. But being told, “you might just have to quit” was a bit much emotionally. I had to sit in the car and cry for a few minutes. I've been making as many sacrifices as I can but I'm still only human. I do have a limit. But I'm so worried about losing any financial stability. Reducing hours was the only compromise I could think of and it didn’t seem likely.

I had an appointment later with my primary doctor, who has helped me manage fibromyalgia along with my neurologist. I anxiously rehearsed my pitch in the car. It really wasn’t necessary, my doctor understood my dilemma without needing to be convinced and immediately filled out the paperwork. I about collapsed from gratitude. After the initial relief, I felt guilt wash over me. I am trying to be a good employee, and a good nurse. 

Later, when I went back and read the medical notes from my OB appointment, it said I was asking for reduced work hours due to depression!! What?! Did you listen to anything I said? I’ve been working full time nights for years! The reason I’m not surviving full time nights is due to pain and neuropathy/ other complications of fibromyalgia that I cannot manage without meds. Not feeling depressed! It's pain. I wake Kevin up in the night because I shake so bad in my sleep. 

I hope this was a typo or oversight and not really what the doctor thought. If she believed I was depressed, she should have at least screened me. The word was never mentioned.

Weeks 14-15:

Hello second trimester! I am so thrilled to be here! I still can’t believe my “Hail Mary” is working out. I’m so glad I didn’t give up on my deepest dream. It took me a couple years of therapy to decide I was brave enough to take that chance and try one last time. We said whatever will be, will be. I said the tenth baby would be the last. And here I am to witness this amazing moment! I can’t believe it. 

One thing I was looking forward to in the second trimester was my scheduled private ultrasound. Businesses like these can make all the difference to an anxious mom navigating pregnancy after loss. Everything felt worth it when seeing these pictures and videos (and they confirmed she is still a girl!)

14 Weeks

I treasure this little moment! Sucking her thumb at 14 weeks

Sometimes I cry so hard when I get home from work, it feels almost uncontrollable. Like my body is begging me to figure something else out. Don't you understand this economy, body? We’ve found a way to make life work before with less money coming in, but the older the kids get the more expensive they get! Jack eats through my whole fridge every night, like a healthy teenage boy. Aidia starts phase one braces in a couple weeks. I would wait, but she’s missing entire permanent teeth (like the adult teeth just don’t exist under her gums) so we need to start working on her alignment and bite. I’m confident that nothing helpful is happening with student loans in 2025.  Maybe eventually I’ll find a closer job. This commute is adding so much time to my long shifts. 

I’m going to push through as much work as I can, and hopefully manage to save a little money. I really want to stay home for Ivy’s first year, if at all possible. We both deserve that after this long journey. She’s my last baby and I want that time with her, even if it puts us backwards financially.

Once I hit 15 weeks, my HR request was still processing. It had been almost two weeks, which was a lot longer than I was told to expect. I realized it was probably going to be after the holidays before approval went through. HR told me to call out sick once a week to help keep me within the recommended hours, and that they would retroactively forgive the sick calls once leave processed. As a type A personality and general rule follower, it was hard for me to call out for those shifts. It felt like I was breaking rules or slacking off. Eventually, approval came. Management wants me to submit an addendum to allow for education hours. It’s a lot of hoops to jump through, but it’s going to be worth it to be able to continue working. 

Hard to believe my first rainbow baby turned 8 years old!

Aidia’s Baptism

I was thankful to celebrate the holidays this year. I was actually off work for Christmas AND Christmas Eve, which has not happened in years. We had a fun celebration for Aidia’s 8th birthday and her baptism after the start of the new year was a wonderful event. We certainly have lots to look forward to in this new year!

Christmas 2024

I was so thankful to make it to the 4 month mark. Each month carries some relief in it, though I know there’s no true safe point. I wish I could forget that fact. Someone asked me if the pregnancy was going by quickly since I have two kids to care for on top of work…

It's going by SO slowly. Because it's scary nearly every agonizing moment. I just don’t think there is a way to escape that with my history. I am doing my absolute best to enjoy and appreciate this blessing! I know this is the last time and I am trying to soak in every moment. I’m now in my 17th week and am thankful to feel Ivy move around a bit more! Not sure exactly when my next update will be posted on here, but I hope it’s all good news!