Weeks 27-30

Week 27:

My MFM appointment for gestational diabetes education went great. They totally understood my goals with how I want to track my sugars, especially with my work schedule. They wrote me a prescription for a CGM without hesitation. I was able to use a voucher to get my first one which was so helpful financially. Each sensor lasts for up to 10 days. My goal is about 175g carbs per 24 hours, which feels very doable alongside the glucose tracking. I made some spreadsheets to track everything. Good thing I’m already Type A.

The MFM’s plan is to start growth ultrasounds around 30 weeks and screen baby’s anatomy in detail. We’ll make sure she’s staying healthy and growing appropriately despite the diabetes. I should be able to start NSTs  (non-stress tests) once or twice a week around 32 weeks. That will be very reassuring to me. They anticipate that I will meet with a perinatologist to discuss a birth plan when I get close to full term. We’ll see how Ivy is doing and if any specific needs should be taken into account before labor and delivery. It’s crazy how fast growth changes at this stage. At 25 weeks I was finally comfortable enough with my side profile to slip on a jumpsuit with lots of room to grow. Then suddenly at 27 weeks, I was having new physical discomfort with my size (which seemed to suddenly explode.)

A friend of mine from about a decade back just experienced an unexplained stillbirth at 38 weeks. I feel so terrible for them. There was really no warning and as of yet, no explanation. Because this exact scenario has happened more than once in my immediate family, the fear of this happening to my daughter is like ice down my spine. I try to muffle the worry but think about it at least once a day. Especially as a NICU nurse, I know that “these things happen” but the tragedy is unfathomable. My heart is with that couple. All I can do is hope that I will be one of the lucky ones.

It’s been emotionally difficult transitioning into the next trimester. I have had crying spells that last for days. Focusing on the little moments helps. Sometimes Kevin talks into my belly and Ivy kicks and responds like crazy- which is magical. 

I needed to list all my pregnancy risks on the MFM form where I submit my glucose log every week; I had to keep making the font size smaller to fit the list in the text box. It just amazes me looking at all those odds that somehow this little girl has already overcome. She’s amazing. 

Week 28:

HELLO THIRD TRIMESTER!! I am so thrilled to be here.

My 28 week OB appointment went great- my belly was measuring about 29 weeks and her heartbeat was perfect! 

Kevin went on that free cruise to Mexico that he earned through work. He took his brother with him since I wasn’t allowed to board past 23 weeks pregnant. I’ll admit it was a bummer to not be on vacation when I’ve never felt the need for one so badly! It wasn’t exactly fun to use all my PTO to stay home and play single mom (shoutout to those women who live that life for real. I really don’t know how I would survive). Despite my complaining, Kevin deserves a cruise more than anyone else I know and I’m so glad he got a break to get away! He works so hard every day. He comes home from work and continues working hard to keep our household running and our (somewhat needy) kids stable. I’m extremely lucky to have found a partner who actually believes in sharing all the financial and household responsibilities. We are a great team because even after 15 years, we try to help each other as much as possible in everything we do. The kids and I managed to have a few fun moments when we had the house to ourselves- I took them both to symphony rehearsal with me and I loved watching Jack sight read with the trombones. They are smart kiddos and I hope they continue to love music as much as I do.

Cute Aidia snapped this pic at rehearsal :)

Work is getting so hard physically. I love the work I do, but every shift feels like running a marathon. I come home in extreme pain and weepy. Sorry family. Every time I finish my stretch of shifts I spend my commute home telling myself “I’m not going to cry when I walk through the door.” Yet as if I have no control at all, if Kevin is home and asks me how work went, I instantly break down in tears. I’m sure staying up all night is not helping my emotional control. Working through the night also spikes my sugars every time- I’ve noticed I trend the highest on busy and stressful shifts. Kind of amazing to see how that works in real time- but still not healthy. 

Week 29:

Overall I’ve been really happy monitoring my sugars with the Dexcom. I occasionally calibrate the reading with finger sticks to make sure the numbers are accurate. My biggest difficulty with it is that I’m a side sleeper (and have to be while pregnant) and the device is only FDA approved to be worn in the back upper arm. But if you push on the device, it skews the numbers to be much lower. So at night I was having all these critical low alarms wake us up and scare us to death. It’s important if it was real, but I know I’m not actually at 40. I learned that I can silence the critical alerts for up to 6 hours, which I feel fine about since I’m not on insulin and not worried about going hypoglycemic in my sleep. It’s been harder to keep my sugars in range with this pregnancy than it was with Aidia. I’ve had to cut more carbs than anticipated. 

My only other major issue was when I inserted my third sensor- for some reason this one bled a lot and the blood seeped right through the hole in the front of the sensor and down my arm. Too much blood throws off the readings. The company is sending a replacement but I’ve been trying to calibrate the sensor because I’m paying out of pocket for these things and don’t want to waste anything! Overall, even with minor issues it really beats sticking my finger at least 4 times a day. 

How am I going to work until delivery? I wonder how to survive this for two more months. These long shifts leave me all but paralyzed. I barely make it up the stairs to the parking garage after a shift. I had back and spine issues before, but the way things keep slipping in and out when I move…I’m half expecting to just fall over at work one of these times that I jump up quickly to respond to an alarm. My feet are swelling more now and I’m truly in so much pain when I get home from work. Maybe 34 isn’t “old” but my body sure isn’t tolerating pregnancy the way it did at 21.

Aidia got her braces on this week! I can’t believe how big she is. Here she is with her cute cousin!

Yay it’s concert week! Abravanel Hall is my favorite venue to play at, and this week presented a relief in knowing that this was my last rehearsal or performance until I deliver. One less commitment each week. Our concert was free and Disney themed, and it was our best turnout ever! Even though being at the venue for 8 hours felt far too long for me right now, the whole experience made me so happy. I’m so lucky to be part of a great community symphony! It is such an uplifting and positive thing for me. 

Ladies were encouraged to wear Disney-like ball gowns or dress up like princesses

Abravanel Hall during dress rehearsal 

After the concert was a bit difficult. Two nights of work followed by concert day seemed to catch up with me and the Braxton Hicks would not stop. I did a warm bath, lots of extra water, lying down, etc. but was still having ten contractions an hour. I think I was just physically exhausted. I also really wanted to avoid going into the hospital for monitoring because I was so tired. It’s far too early for contractions not to stop, baby- you have to cook longer. Thankfully around 2am they finally started to slow down. I did have some spotting the next morning but avoided any major cervical changes. Contractions started up again the next morning and I put myself on what I called “modified bed rest” for one day since Kevin was home. By the following day, things were much better. I haven’t had the same issue since, knock on wood.

Week 30:

At 29 +6 we headed to the MFM for the 30 week growth ultrasound to check how Ivy is doing with the gestational diabetes. The ultrasound tech said, “Woah! This is not a comfortable way to carry a baby!” I felt validated in my discomfort when she showed us how baby is lying completely sideways! She’s not down low at all; her head is pushing on my ribs on the right side, and her feet are stretching across to my other side. They don’t worry about birthing position until 37 weeks, but I’m hoping she’ll at least choose head up or head down before long! For my sake. The tech started doing measurements and said, “Yeah, this is not a small baby!” They estimated her weight that day at 3lbs 11oz and said she’s measuring about ten days ahead. Her head measured at 92.5th percentile 

* whimper *

They also measured all the amniotic fluid and there was more than is normal (polyhydramnios). Fortunately, we already know it’s not related to any anatomy problems with the baby because she’s had all those scans. It also wasn’t an extreme amount of extra fluid, it’s just over the normal margins. They said sometimes extra fluid is just because baby is big, and it’s also associated with gestational diabetes. Due to the extra fluid though, they wanted me to do an NST right away and we’ll continue them weekly.  Her kidneys and bladder look good, so I’m hoping the fluid levels will resolve themselves. 

Ivy Laine 

MFM plans to “weigh” her again at 37 weeks and see if her full term size will influence any delivery plans. I know lots of women are opposed to this type of monitoring or any extra intervention. I will say though, after my first baby was over 9lbs, and the trauma my body endured from that as a 21 year old- I very much welcome this intervention. I don’t want to use a step stool to get into bed for a year again. 

The doctor is pretty happy with where my glucose readings have been at. He said to remember it’s not just what you eat, but is related to your stress levels and quality of sleep (sooo that is a problem with working nights haha). My levels are always at their worst if I’m working, and usually the day after I finish work. 

These appointments are starting to feel like a full time job. The OB wants to see me every other week until the last month then it’s every week. I have glucose check ins weekly (thankfully that’s virtual). I now have NSTs weekly and after 32 weeks I have to go to Ogden for them (they want the monitoring done at the delivering hospital in case you don’t pass). There are follow up MFM and ultrasound appointments. I think I have 11 appointments already set to make it to 39 weeks from here. But I wouldn’t have it any other way, I love to check on my girl and make sure she is ok. It’s just getting very busy with everything else. 

I am once again sitting here worrying about work, specifically how/if I can return to work after maternity leave. Even if I magically finish prep and take my assessment and finish my critical care shifts- and hypothetically could come back from leave only working part-time…I can’t figure out how I would work two nights a week with a 3-month-old. Aside from the 13 hours at night, assuming I work a night before Kevin has the day off, I have to sleep after work and really should take a nap before going in. I can’t stay up for 24+ hours, especially while breastfeeding. Even if I just worked Saturday and Sunday night, I would still have to sleep on Monday after work. All of these scenarios require some type of child care. I hate the idea of childcare for a baby so small. And it’s not cheap. Maybe I could swing working Friday and Saturday nights, if I had someone watch the kids for a couple hours Friday afternoon so I could try to nap before the long stretch. But I still wouldn’t see my baby for like the whole weekend. I would have to pump every 3 hours at work and get up to pump after work. It’s all draining to imagine. Neither Jack nor Aidia did great with a bottle, but they did well breastfeeding. I guess we take it one step at a time once she arrives. Or maybe we should have moved to Sweden or somewhere that they actually give decent paid leave as it benefits the health of the whole family. 

My 30 week OB apt went great. My belly is measuring 32 weeks which isn’t a surprise since she was measured at 10 days ahead a few days back. I just need to find a time to go get my TDAP shot when I’m not working, cause I know I’ll feel crummy and sore afterwards and can’t take ibuprofen.

Having a teenager with behavior problems, especially while in my 3rd trimester, has caused me more stress than I can explain. Sometimes I can feel myself shutting down because I’m trying so hard and it’s so overwhelming. Often I just don’t have anything left to give to him at the end of every night. Obviously I want to keep details sparse for his privacy, but in a general sense it is absolutely exhausting. I try to maintain a calm exterior and respond appropriately as we’ve practiced in years of family therapy. But I break down and cry a lot more frequently than before (and mama is off some of her meds for the baby which is hard). I need a little TLC at this point too, but I swear that kids can sense weakness and the behaviors escalate if I seem especially fatigued or in pain- because I’m easier to take advantage of, or attempt to manipulate. Maybe I’ll just be ignored, maybe yelled at, or just blatantly lied to. I’m trying really hard to be brave but I do wish there was some sort of respite care to use occasionally. It takes a village to raise a child- where is the village? Being a full time caregiver to a child/teen with significant needs could burn anyone out. He was stable when we decided to try one last time for a baby- but mental health ebbs and flows so I need to adjust my expectations that he could go through rough patches even if I’m pregnant or have a newborn. Wow to watch my glucose numbers climb every five minutes during those episodes. It gets so much higher than if I just eat too many carbs. I can literally see the stress. As he gets older though, we can sometimes have great conversations or moments together. I’m working hard to focus on those positive times.

That’s enough venting for now. Stressed but very blessed! I’m thankful for my family. 

Weeks 22-26: You’re Too Sweet For Me

Week 22- The most exciting thing that happened this week was Kevin feeling the baby kick for the first time! I love when they can start bonding. Thankfully the Braxton Hicks have improved from last week; they haven’t been quite as frequent. That’s a load of worry off my mind. We’ve started the process of setting up some baby things- just enough to see what we need to rearrange to make space. I love my house. I am so lucky just to be in a home and have a mortgage in this day and age. It is a small house though! We will need to be a bit creative to make sure everyone has space. Decluttering and rearranging has been quite the undertaking and I’m glad we have a while to figure it out. The kids are professionals at smuggling random stuff in the house. I find more every time I open a closet.

Week 23- Pregnancy has some moments that just aren’t pretty. I had the worst bloody nose of my life at work. So embarrassing. I finally had time to run for a pee break- the second I sat down, blood just started pouring out of both sides of my nose. The 1 ply toilet paper had no chance. Blood started going straight down my throat- I called for a coworker to bring me a towel. As she came into the bathroom, she was blessed to observe me throwing up blood straight into the sink. I was trying to clean up the blood everywhere (read: crime scene) and all the nurses that had gathered were like, “what do you think you’re doing…” and called housekeeping to come deal with the puddle of blood. 😭😭

I don’t usually get bloody noses, but I’ve had “pregnancy congestion” constantly this time around. That plus the aspirin was a recipe for disaster. 

The new development this week was feeling baby’s hiccups for the first time! I forgot about those. 

I took care of a baby at work that was born about as far along as I am now (they were born at 23 + 2). It’s such a crazy thing to care for a baby on the outside knowing they are the size of your baby on the inside. It’s just a unique experience.  

Unfortunately, a friend of mine just had a miscarriage and it made me so sick to my stomach. I was seriously ill for a full day and night. I just know that pain, especially when that baby was supposed to be your miracle. It’s still so close to home. And there’s this weird mix of guilt that my baby is still okay.  

Week 24- It’s too early for the waddle! But this week I’ve welcomed intense groin and thigh pain. Getting in and out of the car has felt impossible. Stairs and walking have been shockingly painful. It seems to be SPD (symphysis pubis dysfunction) again like I had with Aidia. Basically the ligaments in the pelvis are too loose to keep everything in place. It causes uneven movements and lots of pain. My OB said it will probably be worse this time around since I’ve had it before. Gotta work on my PT exercises. 

Embracing the maternity scrubs

At 6 months, Ivy should have conscious thought and is making memories. I’m starting to see her kicks from the outside!

Week 25- Each day that I wake up and feel her moving and kicking I feel immensely grateful and amazed. Aidia felt her first kick this week! The kicks are much bigger, and are starting to move my whole belly.

I found out that after maternity leave, the fewest amount of hours I would be allowed to schedule at work is 60 hours per pay period. I can reduce hours further after the next level of education is complete (there’s a significant amount of prep work, tests, paired shifts, etc.) I can’t imagine how that many overnight shifts would ever work while breastfeeding a 3-month-old. I know people do it when they have to. I would have to sleep when I came home from work too though. I feel like I need a longer stretch with my baby; we have waited an impossibly long time for her. Maybe I can quit and then go back when she’s a little older? Or find a different job to start with fewer hours if we can’t swing it financially? I feel sad thinking about it because I don’t want to leave my position. I have put so much work into it this year. 

The stress of watching everything happening with the stock market/ tariffs/ the daily dismantling of government organizations really has me down. Especially as all repayment plans for student loans hang in the balance. Income driven repayment recertification coming down off the website has especially made me sick to my stomach. We’ve always made big decisions based on the repayment plans we agreed to. In all these years, I’ve never missed a payment. If suddenly income based repayment goes away, there’s no way I could make the standard payments (well over 2K a month). Interest continues to climb. All the terms and interest are one sided and we get strapped with the consequences of political decisions. I wish it had been more like a mortgage agreement. We are holding all that stress that keeps us up at night wondering how to afford the interest increase or sudden change in terms. It’s terrifying to wonder what terms are going to change and what fresh hell awaits us in the news each morning. Maybe the courts will block some of these proposed changes? I’m really trying to enjoy this pregnancy if all the political nonsense could PLEASE chill for a minute.

At my 25 week OB appointment I was measuring 26 weeks by my belly, so I think Ivy’s growth is great! 

As expected, the 3 hour glucose test was torture. Fasting while pregnant. Chugging syrup and trying not to void the test by throwing up. The 4 blood draws (in dehydrated veins) in 3.5 hours. The nausea and pounding headache made me wish for a bed to lay in between blood draws. This is the 6th time I’ve done a glucose test- one reason to celebrate my last pregnancy. I never want to do this again. Of course I got a call halfway through the testing from the 8th grade counselor with Jack in the office. One crisis at a time please!

And after all that- I still failed (confirmed diagnosis of gestational diabetes). I felt really depressed by the results. I was almost sure I wouldn’t pass, but actually failing feels terrible. I’m only 25 weeks, that is such a long time to manage diabetes until the baby’s born. Especially working nights and eating/sleeping at random times. Fun fact- just working nights increases your insulin resistance. I get overwhelmed trying to figure out how to cook for my family separately from what I will be able to eat. Have you seen the price of groceries? 

I was really hopeful I could get a CGM (continuous glucose monitor) instead of doing finger sticks 4+ times a day. Insurance said they will only cover it if I end up going on insulin injections to manage my sugar. So it’s bruised fingers for now. I hope I can manage the diabetes with a strict diet like I did with Aidia.

I just want to keep Ivy healthy. I’ll be monitored at the MFM now and likely have NSTs (non-stress tests). It will all be worth it not to have another 9.5lb baby like Jack. I'm happy it's not a borderline result, the careful monitoring will give me peace of mind that I'm keeping both of us healthy.

I’m not sure if I’ll lose any of the extra weight, but maybe I’ll stop gaining so fast if I can monitor my glucose. I have been trying, but without the actual blood result data it’s mostly a guessing game. I swear I have FELT the insulin resistance in this pregnancy

Lab results showed my thyroid was overcorrected too. I'm a bit nervous about reducing my dose, I'm already so tired.

I immediately started reducing/counting all my carbs while I waited to hear from the doctor. My brain must have noticed because now the munchies are in full swing and I’m hungry all the time. This transition might be hard.

Night one of being at work with gestational diabetes. I really hope this keeps me full and my blood pressure stable for 12 hours (it's been really low lately). This baby only wants muffins and cereal since yesterday 😩. I get really nauseous if I go too long without snacking so I hope I can make this work.

Healthy food can be yummy, just expensive!!

On the bright side, the constant craving to chew pebble ice is definitely increasing my fluid intake. I almost always have a cup of ice water in hand.

Week 25 ended on a high note because Jack felt a kick finally! He had been anxiously waiting.

Week 26- This week brought my first real kick to the ribs! Also several days of massive headaches and charley horses. The muscle spasms in my calves at night are the kind where I can’t even seem to stretch it out on my own- my toes are just frozen, pointed. Diabetes management sucks, It’s real motivation to never develop Type II diabetes if at all possible. Gestational diabetes is like a 3 month trial and it’s like no thank you! Unsubscribe!!

Let’s move on to happy things. The kids had a random day off school, so I decided to take them to my private 3D ultrasound. It was the right timing to try and get a glimpse of this sweet girl’s face. Watching Jack and Aidia react to seeing their little sister in real time was priceless. Seriously such a moment of joy! We got great pictures- and it looks like Ivy has the same little dimple as Aidia! I could sit and watch the video of this babe yawning over and over again! Amazing to see her so developed and learning in her environment. I’m so thankful. 

Dimple!

Snuggles

I met with my neurologist and the good news is they are increasing my nerve med just slightly. He said it likely won’t be enough to change any outcomes with baby, but might be enough to help me significantly. I’ve really been struggling with my chronic pain the past few weeks. Unfortunately I can’t take most of my other meds until I’m finished breastfeeding, but I’m happy they could make any changes at all to help my quality of life.  

When I talked to my OB, they said regardless of shift work, I need a daily fasting glucose (no eating 8-12 hours). I was trying to figure out when the heck that would be when I work at night. Sometimes I get my lunch break at 5am; and I usually only sleep about 2 hours before heading in to my first shift each week. It’s already difficult to stay up 24 hours, I don’t think I can fast through a third of them. 

The gestational diabetes has really propelled me past my fear of Kevin getting a vasectomy before the baby is here. I know I can’t do this again. It makes more sense for him to get the procedure and recover before I’m a recovering postpartum mom. Between my risks, being off my meds, and now managing diabetes while working nights and raising two kids- this is it. It just took that final straw for me to schedule a consult for him.

I know I sound like a baby about this, but finger sticks really hurt- at least for me. They stay sore for a long time. I get bruises on my fingers and I hate the idea of going to work and putting sanitizer on 700 times a shift. Stay healthy Ivy and help make all this worth it! I’m 27 weeks tomorrow, which means one more week until the 3rd trimester!

In Awe of all the “Normals” (Weeks 17-21)

Week 17:

It’s been so exciting to start gathering baby supplies. I’m always nervous in the back of my mind that something bad could happen before baby could ever use these beautiful things, but I try to envision her enjoying them instead.

I did feel brave enough to buy her “take-home outfit” for the hospital stay and it’s absolutely perfect for a little girl named Ivy.

My 17 week OB appt went quickly and smoothly. While walking out, I nearly bumped into a woman checking into the office. Tears were streaming down her face and she was stifling sobs. My heart just broke in two. I don't know what brought her to the office or what's causing her distress, but I have been that woman so many times. I quickly hid my own belly with my coat as I walked past. Life can be so unfair. I'm lucky to be in a season where my OB appointment brings joyful news and peace, and not living through those moments when 7 pregnancies ended in devastating loss. To those still in that waiting period and those suffering, I have not forgotten you and I'm so sorry for your pain.

Work continues to be somewhat of a struggle, but it is much more manageable now that I’ve reduced my hours. I’m so relieved we were able to work out the FMLA with HR because otherwise I probably would have had to quit. Aidia gets so sad lately when I go to work. Even though I’ve scheduled myself in a way that really minimizes any time she has a babysitter instead of mom or dad. I just can’t stand to see her sad. She has it better than lots of other kids her age who have working parents but it is tough to watch! Aidia told me, “I can’t wait for Ivy to be born because then you’ll stay home and not work all night.” I think of all the parents out there struggling- it’s just not the kind of world where a family can survive on one income anymore and I know there’s a lot of heartache and struggle because of that. I hope I find a way to take a big stretch of time off work to stay home with my new babe. 

My ultrasound at 17 weeks was one of my favorites. I was able to see such a good profile of this little girl!

Profile

Sucking her thumb

Perhaps my favorite part was this amazing clip that shows her practicing swallowing in the womb. I knew babies did this but I had never seen it on an ultrasound! Amazing how fast we become proud of our children. She is doing everything she’s supposed to! The relief is hard to explain as I watch her develop exactly as she should. And look at those little lips go!

Week 18:

I’m so excited that I was able to start symphony again (part time). It’s always a commitment, but it’s good for the soul! We are playing a Disney concert this Spring at Abravanel Hall. Finding a work/life balance is hard, even without hobbies, but the mental health benefits are immense. 

I’m not planning on buying a bunch of clothes, but here’s the little haul I bought for the newborn stage. I know this stage won’t last long, so we don’t need much! The clothes are so soft and tiny and perfect. I love to hold them close and imagine her in my arms. It’s the earliest stage of nesting, but I’m thankful we have the halfway mark in view. We weren’t sure we would ever be here again! I’m so reassured that baby’s kicks are getting stronger; a wave of relief washes over me every single time.

Though work is getting better, I had the sinking realization that I can't leave work before delivery because I would lose my insurance. Even though we’re planning to try and switch to Kevin's insurance, the deductible would start over (and all my prenatal care is billing to my current insurance.) So this year’s medical bills (and delivery) would cost like twice as much. I hope I'm tough enough to stay until I can take a maternity leave. Paid or unpaid. To be honest though, I don't know how we can afford insurance through Kevin's work. We were last quoted an additional $1300 for the monthly premium to add myself and 3 kids. It is exponentially more. America- it feels like you hate moms sometimes 😩 I’m going to keep working on other possibilities. 

Week 19:

I’ve started to have some pretty bad panic attacks again. Amazingly, they aren’t related to worry about the baby, but they are intense and hard to come out of sans medication. I’ve tried all the techniques I learned in therapy, but it gets to the point where it feels involuntary. It compounds on itself because the harder it is to breathe and take in air, the more scared I am that I'm not getting enough oxygen to the baby (which increases the panic.) 

The panic attacks just affirm to me that it is the right choice for this pregnancy to be our last. I've been scared to move forward with scheduling a vasectomy for Kevin until we're further along. Even though I know, that even if something tragic happened, I think we would still be done. We planned to be done even if I had miscarried in the beginning. It still feels scary though.

5 Months:

HALFWAY POINT!

It sounds so morbid, but I think those who have been through recurrent loss will understand. It’s such a relief to make it to 20 weeks because we’ve passed the point of being able to have a “miscarriage.” If a tragedy occurred now, it would be a stillbirth. I’m thankful that I’m past the point of the ER and would go to L&D if problems started. 

There were so many times with my losses that I wished I could at least hold my baby and meet them, have a funeral, and have the loss recognized. I felt like people would understand my pain more if that had happened. It is a morbid milestone but truly, this is a happy thing for me and it brings relief to cross this threshold. Studies have shown that whether a mom loses a baby in the first trimester or in the third, the grief response is very similar. I am not trying to compare pain or pretend I’ve been through something I haven’t- I’ve seen parents lose newborns in the NICU and I would never want to say my experience was the same as theirs. 

All that being said, it finally feels like my new tiny daughter is far enough along to be recognized as her own little person. We’re only a few weeks away from viability. Now that I’ve seen what is actually entailed in keeping a 23 or 24 weeker alive, it’s the last thing I would ever want my baby to go through. However, it is amazing that those kids can often pull through and have the quality of life they do, even with the long term complications. I’m glad to be a part of the team that tries to give those babies every possible chance. It will be a relief to know once we hit that magic viability point, there would at least be attempts to save her life if something happened.

The last of the super soft PJs came and look what the color is named!

Ivy had her big head-to-toe anatomy scan at the MFM, and they couldn’t find a single problem. I could stare at all those “normals” listed all day long, but I don’t stop being in awe by it. 

Seeing Ivy healthy has made all the difficulty and jumping through hoops worth it. All the pain and expense of medical procedures seems nearly forgotten. The stress has been immense but it is all paying off.

I'm feeling her rolls, turns, and somersaults more now. It’s wonderfully reassuring. I do have an anterior placenta again, so it was been harder to feel kicks earlier on.

Since I had gestational diabetes with Aidia, I’ve been very aware of my carb intake during this pregnancy. I’ve been trying to eat protein over carbs and avoid certain foods with a high glycemic index. I’ve been cooking more than I have in years- trying to bring some balance, protein, and veggies to our meals. Despite my intentions, I found out I’ve gained 20 pounds in the first half of this pregnancy. I should have gained about 10 by this point. It’s very discouraging!  I only gained 8 pounds total with Aidia. With Jack I gained about 35, slow and steady through the whole pregnancy. Though my family is thankful for all the home cooked meals, I’m worried I have some insulin resistance going on. They will test me again for gestational diabetes somewhere between 26-28 weeks. I will be surprised if I pass. I dread those 4x a day finger sticks. Especially working as a nurse, putting on sanitizer 5000 times a day. If I have to have sore fingers for 3 months, it will be worth it for a healthy babe, but it sure is crummy. I hope the weight gain slows down. My iron and thyroid will be tested again around the same time as the diabetes screen. I chew ice all day most days so here’s to hoping I’m not anemic as well!

Week 21:

Woah, Braxton Hicks contractions already? While my OB said this “could” be normal with a third child, that I should rest, hydrate, and change positions when they start. She said to call if I’m getting them every ten minutes or if they get increasingly painful. I couldn’t believe how many I was getting and it really scared me. Usually if I took a warm bath I could get them to stop. Putting my feet up for a little bit also seemed to help. This contradicts her advice to get more exercise to help with the weight gain, because if I so much as climb the stairs too quickly they seem to start up again. I need to keep this baby in for 4 more months! I’m sure they will just be uncomfortable but won’t actually cause any changes. Just one more thing to keep me anxious- I’m going to up my magnesium. 

My OB said we will plan on an induction at 39 weeks. I’m all for other people waiting to go into labor naturally, but for myself, I’m terrified of a stillbirth the longer I go. In my immediate family there is a history of two full term little girls who passed away right before birth. This family member and I have lots of health conditions/history in common, so it’s very difficult for me to not assume my risk is extremely high. I hit 39 weeks on my sister’s birthday, so right now I’m counting down to 39 weeks +1 (the time I was induced with Aidia). I’m sure I won’t know the exact schedule until the week of. 

We updated the wall where we’ve had the kids’ baby pictures hanging the last several years. I love seeing three frames where the two previously were! It’s going to be wonderful to update the ultrasound picture to a newborn photo. Every time I walk up the stairs, I feel thankful that we can complete our family on the terms we always hoped for. 

I’m anxiously excited to keep progressing in this pregnancy. Sometimes I feel crazy, but Kevin validated me when he said he also feels impatient and nervous. He wants everything to be finished and everyone to be healthy. I’m handling the anxiety mostly okay. Sometimes a random trigger will pop up at work. The other night, I was helping a new mom learn to breastfeed and it made me so excited to have my own new baby again. I think that excitement is what triggers the anxiety that something might go wrong and then I get nervous. 

Now that I’m in my 22nd week, Ivy is about 11 inches long and likely weighs just over a pound. We have some difficult challenges at home that we are navigating right now, but fortunately none of them have to do with this sweet babe. She is a light in my life when things start to feel dark. I’m so thankful she is healthy and growing.