Hopeful News!

Life is looking up a little.  Our plans have been changing so rapidly lately that I've felt like we are spinning a bit out of control, but as of now, it looks as if Kevin will still be able to apply to at least two doctorate programs for Physical Therapy by the end of the year.  There's some work left to get to that point, but I think we can do it, and that means by this time next year we could be a few months into the PT program.  Not knowing where in the country or when....I guess that's kind of exciting.  An adventure is coming!

Here's to looking up.


http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2011/10/it-is-better-to-look-up?lang=eng

The link above is to an excellent talk on this very subject.

I am doing better emotionally for the most part.  I have to do a lot of positive affirmation.  When I'm having a hard day I tell myself, "I am happy of where I am in life and I'm happy with what I'm doing.  Despite anyone else's circumstances."  It's not lying to myself I decided, it's motivating myself to have the right attitude. The more I say it, the more I see it in life, and the more I realize that it's true.  Even though life still hurts here and there.  That's just life. Sometimes I have days where I suddenly get very sad remembering something we said about the babies when I was pregnant, and just get that sharp, sudden pain in my heart.  But I've learned just to take that moment to mourn and then continue with my day.  It's hard to do, but I'm getting better at it.

We got good news from the hemotologist today!  He is one of the best blessings in this area of my life- he is the most kind and understanding doctor I have ever encountered.  While the news isn't as good as "You have this really easy problem to fix, take this pill and all your problems will be solved,"  we kind of knew it was past that point anyway.  But it's still so much better than what I was expecting.

Two weeks ago he told me I met all the criteria for APS and we were just waiting on the tests to confirm it.  This was the last blood panel I really needed to do, because as he told me today, by this point they have literally tested EVERYTHING.

Results:

My homo cysteine levels were normal!!  This means that although I have the less common type of homozygous MTHFR, since my levels are good we can rule it out as a cause for the miscarriage.  This also means we don't need to worry about all the horrible neural tube birth defects associated with it.  I will always take a good B vitamin to be on the safe side- but overall, all MTHFR is going to be in my life is an added blood clotting risk, which I already deal with because of Leiden Factor V.  So, nothing new there.

Other best news ever- The antibodies and Lupus panel tested (to confirm anti phospholipid syndrome) came back NEGATIVE!  What?! We were not expecting that at all!  While it would have been nice to have an explanation why I keep miscarrying, at least it's not an autoimmune problem that swells up each time I'm pregnant and makes it so hard to keep a baby.  So I DON'T have APS!  This gave me so much more hope.  I have had a rough year keeping babies, but at least I don't have to think I have harmful antibodies hanging around in my system.  Nothing was even concerning enough to raise an eyebrow.  No indication of anything else.  Everything came back normal.  It's unfortunate that they just have to shrug and say, not quite sure why this keeps happening, most likely it's due to the blood clotting risks, but it's better than having another disease.  The bad news is that Lovenox is still my best hope, and whether it works or doesn't (but especially if it does) I'll pretty much have to use it for life.  (until like in my dreams, they come out with a pill that works the same.  It is in existence but at least ten years away from ever being accessible according to my hemotologist.)

So having fewer risk factors to deal with is the best news we can hope for at this point.  I'm just having to settle into the idea that pregnancy will always be associated with daily shots in the belly for me.  Ya, not quite settled yet.  I'll get there someday.  Basically, when we decide to try again we'll do a pre-pregnancy consultation, test the ANAs, discuss the use of asprin, etc.  It stresses me out a little now but I try not to think about it too much.

Honestly my biggest fear right now is an accidental pregnancy- considering how easily I get pregnant.  Like if I think about it too hard I will probably be pregnant.  Each of the 4 pregnancies I've had were within the first month of deciding to try (I am so thankful I don't struggle with infertility on top of recurrent miscarriage.)  Although I am being extremely cautious about it, I'm scared of an "surprise" because I'm not ready for a loss or doing the shots again (not to mention I probably need to be on asprin even before conceiving a child.)  My blood clotting issues mean I am not a candidate for taking normal, hormonal birth control (and POPs super screw up my body except for when I'm nursing), so those of you who complain about having to take a pill everyday- you are lucky.  Being pregnant means risking my health, having painful procedures or tests done (a lot it seems) and daily shots, feeling like I live at the doctor's office, and most importantly knowing there is a huge risk of losing the child.  And plus, pregnancy is pretty hard on its own.  It's a lot to take on and I really feel like I need to be ready to handle it.  It's ironic, considering how much we would love another happy healthy baby, but I think I've settled into how I'm doing things now and I'm trying to enjoy this healing period and take the benefits of only having one child at this time.  I can barely handle school with one right now.  Overall, I'm happy and more well balanced than I was a few months ago.

I am still working extremely hard on getting in shape and losing weight.  I'm exercising 3-4 days a week and have logged EVERYTHING I have eaten in the past two weeks.  That is tough, and it's hard not to feel guilty if you blow it one night (which has only happened once, thank you very much.)  But it feels like slow progress.  With the fluctuation we all have, I've lost between 2-5 pounds in two weeks.  I guess that's ok but it doesn't feel like much for how hard I'm working.  Maybe I'm gaining some muscle possibly?  I care more about losing inches than pounds so I hope my old pants start showing the results soon.

At least I'm eating healthier, but it's the hardest thing in the world to not eat what I want, when I want it- especially when I cook something yummy for everyone else.  Also it is super hard to drag my butt out of bed at 5:35 in the morning to get ready for Zumba- me and the girls leave at 5:50 for the class.  You have to be pretty dedicated for that, so naturally I want the results to be faster.  But at least on Zumba days I get to eat more :)

School is ok- it's really hard when Jack doesn't take a nap on certain days. Then I feel like literally I have between 830 and whenever I go to bed to work (and on nights before Zumba I really have to go to bed early.)  I wish I could be dedicating 4 hours a day to the program.  I really need to.  There is so much to study and memorize and not just busy work to blow through.  Hopefully things will slow down a bit when we move?  (oh my gosh that's 5 weeks away).  Percussion concert tomorrow! Hope it goes well and takes some of the stress off me.  Then I get to start being a Music Camp counselor the following week!  Focusing on the positive is exciting.  That's all we can do really to make a happy life for ourselves.