This post really is about challenges; I'm learning all about having new challenges. Exhibit A, weight loss. I've never been super skinny with a barbie-like flat tummy, but most of my life I was a healthy weight, and didn't have to feel embarrassed about how I looked. I didn't have to go buy new clothes because my old ones didn't fit anymore. This is the first time I'm experiencing the range of emotions that goes along with actually needing to lose weight. Even though I'm not at a super unhealthy weight, I do need to lose the extra pounds that the health problems put on this year. I'm learning that it is such a slow process and takes so much dedication and strength to do it the right way. I've also learned how emotionally difficult it is and how it brings out some pretty real feelings regarding self-esteem. It's a toughie. Once again I pull the card, "I didn't think this was going to be my problem in life, so now I'm mad about it." My thyroid problems make it hard to lose weight, so I have to stay positive with little steps in the right direction. Even the fact that I am not gaining more weight is really good. The fact that I'm eating healthier and exercising more is really good. But in a world of fast results, sometimes it doesn't feel quite good enough. And being hungry makes me cranky...that too. :)
Here is my big thing this month- I wrote a lot about this before but it got lost, so I'll just sum it up. I've had some pretty real anxiety. Now don't get me wrong- it's not just stress. I went to college, planned a wedding, had a baby, had family problems...I've been through stressful things before. This just feels different. It started out like depression. For like 2 weeks I was just crying all the time, couldn't get out of bed, then it turned more aggressive and I was more angry and snappy a lot of the time. I know it sounds a lot like hormones, but it just felt like so much more than that. I feel like I've started having panic attacks, and I've never had them before. Where I instantly feel so overwhelmed that I think my head might explode. I've had horrible and frequent headaches and have felt restless and unhappy and I have to ask, why? Does it have to do with losing the babies or is that only part of it?
Putting everything down on lists doesn't help like it used to- I feel like my mind is overflowing all the time and I can't calm down. The racing thoughts and headaches makes me feel like I'm going to have a heart attack or that I'm not breathing easily. I've dealt with more stressful times than this- I know that I can handle what we have going on right now- being back in school, moving, Kevin's graduation, needing to find a real job, super tight finances, debt, learning the patience to deal with a 2 year old, all the logistical stuff in life. I've done that kind of stuff before. I tell myself "We got this, what are you freaking out about?" I keep thinking of my due date, which is this week. My mind keeps flashing into a different reality where I would be having my baby this week- how I was hoping to have it on Kevin's birthday which is Friday.
But life is always going to be stressful, and there is usually some kind of deeper trial or tragedy we are trying to handle, so I know that I really need to start managing all of this from the inside. I've found help from some natural supplements, but mostly I need to focus on spiritual things. I think the hardest part is just admitting that I need some help figuring it out. I think the person I need to admit it to most, is God. And, also to Kevin. I have not been the most fun person to live with lately. But I know when I include him and see him as my other half and teammate instead of another person that's in my life or house, it helps. If I can be in a good enough mood around him that we can be in love, life is a little easier. I need to allow myself to be happy. It's no fun being miserable. I hope to see him and Jack as motivation for me to be better, so I can enjoy our times together instead of feeling like I am watching them from a distance and missing out on my greatest joy because I am so deep inside myself. I need to be responsible for my own feelings. Sometimes I get so upset when I hear people complaining (and not in a joking way) about being pregnant. But then I remember, they are not ignorant, I am just sensitive. And, pregnancy is REALLY hard, bearing children is REALLY hard. They have a right to talk about how they feel, I need to be in charge of how I let myself feel when I hear that, despite my mind firing back that they don't know how lucky they are. Well- I am so lucky to have a wonderful child (who is so smart it blows my mind daily- I am in awe of him). Many people never have any children of their own. Especially at such a young age. I am so very blessed. Maybe I accidentally offend other people with the way I talk about other things. I'm not a victim.
And if I remember how much Heavenly Father loves me, I remember how blessed I am. I need to take more time to talk to him. Take the time to do the things that are important, and then I will feel peace, I will feel better in my heart. Serving others is the best medicine- I need to stop worrying about myself all the time. Kids are good in that way, they distract you through most of the day, I usually post this quote somewhere in my house, it is one of the most motivating quotes to me when I feel down:
I need to give myself time to feel better in my body. It's going to take time, I am blessed to be learning patience....but I am still in a hurry for the lesson to be over. My body feels crazy inside, but it will probably need time to settle down. Since I wasn't feeling like my hormones have really evened out anyway, I decided to start on the POP birth control again. I know I've had problems with it in the past, but I'm hoping I made the right decision. I wrote in my last post about my anxiety about ever getting pregnant without planning it and I think having some peace from feeling like I am in better control of that will actually help me a lot, despite the side effects.
Well I hope I don't sound like a crazy lady, but we've all been through phases like this before. All I'm really trying to get across is that it is so hard to accept you're dealing with a new kind of problem; and, all that can be done about it is to look to God for answers on how to find peace, and look inside yourself to find the strength to do what He tells you. And then, it works out. I haven't quite gotten to that point yet with these challenges, but I have been there before with other problems. They were eventually resolved. He loves us. He wants us to be happy.
I wanted to share one more thought about the scriptures-
We've heard often the scripture, that God can do all things, that nothing is impossible for Him. Well I know that doctrine well, but it had been quite a while since I stumbled upon the actual verse of scripture, here it is:
Luke 1:37 For with God nothing shall be impossible.
We know this is true, but I love so much that this particular scripture is literally referring to a miracle pregnancy. Elizabeth had conceived and was in her 6th month, and the angel mentions to Mary that Elizabeth was "called barren" then offers the reminder that with God nothing is impossible.
He knows how much it means to women to bear children, and in His timing he really can make it possible. I felt tears in my eyes as I read that and thought about Elizabeth. I wonder the conversation we would have had in her day as friends, had she told me that after years of giving up hope, God had granted this miracle to her in His timing, and for His purposes (look how important the timing of her son's birth turned out to be).
He is in the details. We were never supposed to do it all alone. If we can learn to really talk to Him, He will show us peace even in our hardest times.
In honor of the first baby that we lost, who was due to be born this week, I wanted to post this picture that we took of Jack when we found out. For some people, a miscarriage is something they just want to forget and put behind them. For me, this is a family photo that I'm not really sure where to place, so I'll put it here, in memory of what might have been. It's my "moment of silence." Jack is going to be an amazing big brother when the right time comes, and when that special baby comes. It may not be this week, but I hope that someday we can look back on this picture and remember a happy feeling of looking forward to the future and watching our family grow.
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| Taken October 2012 This may have not been the right timing, but he will be a great big brother when the day comes! |
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