Thank You

It’s times like this I am reminded of the goodness of people.  I am astounded at the love and genuine concern and support we’ve received.  I absolutely do not think my trials are the hardest of anyone’s in the world and my life is so richly blessed. Going through this difficult time, however, I have seen the faces of angels in friends and family, emails, texts, and prayers.  Thank you, from the bottom of my heart for reaching out to me and helping me to feel God’s love for me again through your love for us.

The support and love has been outstanding and made all the difference.  I'm glad I've been so public about this because God has blessed us with so many loving people and your thoughts and kind words REALLY do make a difference and make it better. I know some people choose to be private about these sensitive things but writing has kept me sane and I don't feel so alone anymore.  As I’m writing this now, my total blog views are at 2101.  That simply astounds me.

This loss was harder because I always had a plan before- I had hope for "next time."  I have no more ideas really at this point.  More testing and seeing more doctors sounds daunting and exhausting but I’m sure we'll get there.  I think I’m going to just have to be "done" for a little while because I don't know where else to go.

Many people have talked to us about adoption.  Which in principle sounds great and I’m not opposed to it by any means, but it is by no means a feasible option for us right now.  First of all, money.  We have none at all. haha.  Adoption would be years away just because I don’t know how we will save anything as Kevin gets his doctorate and we may or may not have a steady income, let alone enough to save for adoption.  Adoption requires stability- where they can come observe you for at least 6 months in most cases.  And well, we’re in my dad’s basement until we find out about school.  I’ve already given birth to one child and since I’m not infertile that disqualifies us from some (but not all) adoption services.  I don’t think we are anywhere near being ready emotionally for the trials of adoption at this point.  If we did adopt I feel that at this stage of my life I would be one of those people who only “want a puppy.”  Meaning since I had a newborn of my own I feel like I would need to have another child from that stage and breastfeed and do all of those things to feel like my mothering was the same.  Maybe that could change with time.  And we are very young.  I have so many years ahead of me that I am capable of bearing a child, and so we are not giving up hope in the fact that we have felt we will have more children of our own.  Adoption is a wonderful thing, and has been even for people in my immediate family.  I’m just saying I don’t think it is the right thing for us to look into at this point in time.

Sometimes I have a hard time affirming to myself that I really have a problem despite four losses because I just think "but i already had a baby...it seems like a dream now, but I did.  How could I possibly have a real problem?"  How could acceptance still be this hard for me?  I feel like I’m trapped in all these horrible emotions.  Sorrow, anger, grief, guilt, self loathing, jealousy, confusion, no motivation, depression and lack of faith, not wanting to do things that used to make my hurt better.  People in movies run away to Paris or even just a hotel for the weekend or they start a new job, or take that class they’ve been wanting to. I don’t have money or the availability to give myself something new or do something crazy.  We’re even down to one car these days.  And my part time job is in a children’s store where I’m surrounded by infant clothes, new moms and pregnant women.  Helps a lot to get my mind off everything...  So I stay in this basement with my pain and fall deeper and deeper into this depression if I’m not careful.  I have violent dreams and food makes me sick.  I don’t feel like myself.

Jack keeps my head above water.  I’m thankful for my miracle.  It’s a strange world to be in the place where I am.  I can’t live the childless life like some of my friends but I’m not having more children either and I’m just not sure how to make that work yet and be really happy.  Not “pretend happy we’re dealing with it until we fix the problem,” but really happy.  I’m concerned about how long it may take me to figure it out.   I can do so much with Jack- but I hope you can see where I feel stuck.  Not really sure what else I’m supposed to be doing that will give me some fulfillment and take away all these negative things inside.  I have such a loving and supportive husband and he makes me smile and some days I do fine for a few hours and then completely lose it and all the crazy comes out.  But I guess that’s just what’s going to be expected for a little while. I writhe and cry and scream and yell for a few hours and say things I don’t mean and then I remember that things will be ok and I can trust God again, for a minute.  And I try to push those bad thoughts out of my mind or the violent images from my dreams or do something for myself that makes me smile.  Honestly my blog gets me through and is a great channel for me.  It’s insane that I publish my deepest thoughts right on the internet…but somehow it works out ok.  Probably because I have amazing and loving friends that support me.   This was always the trial I was most afraid I would have.  Ok, not most.  There are a lot worse things that people deal with, horrible things.  But I was always afraid of this struggle because I knew how much it would hurt.  I don’t want to take a break from trying to figure it out and trying again…but I don’t think I have much of a choice.  Ask my sweet husband.  I’m falling to pieces and though I don’t want to be done, I think we need to be for a while. 

Putting aside what I want and thinking about how to take care of myself.  I think I just need to get off this rollercoaster for a little while.  Nothing pains me more than to go on birth control because I absolutely wish I could be pregnant with a healthy baby- but that doesn’t seem to be the reality right now.  We’re considering a semi-permanent implant.  Perhaps if I had the certainty of knowing “we’re not going to get pregnant this year” I could live a little more and learn to be happy with the many blessings I already have.  Just knowing getting pregnant is not an option without scheduling a small surgical procedure makes it seem like it’s already set and it’s not going to happen.  Maybe I will find myself doing other things if I know a baby is not coming in the next year.  It won’t take the pain away, but maybe I can dull it as I learn patience.  When I see a pregnancy or a new baby I can learn to take joy in the witnessing of a miracle and tell myself “we’re not trying this year, but hopefully our miracle will come soon.”  I’m not saying I won’t get the implant and then 6 months later think I’m strong and brave and ready again, but once again, maybe that’s why I need this.  Maybe I need something to make me wait longer.  Emotional healing takes a lot longer than physical and maybe the Lord needs me to get closer to Him before we’re ready to work on this issue together.  Being sad to be taking birth control  won’t be a thought that has to cross my mind every single day with an implant, like when I’m on the progesterone pills and I have to take them at the exact same time every night.  They are unreliable if taken even an hour late, and it’s stressful because my doctors have warned of their effectiveness (I can’t use anything with estrogen). But with an implant, once it’s done it’s done and I don’t have to think about it anymore.  I don’t have to worry about maybe being pregnant and not knowing about it in enough time to “save” the pregnancy…not that the mentality has worked for me so far.  It’s absolutely not what I want to do, but if it gives us peace for a year and healing, and if it’s what Heavenly Father wants us to do, then I guess He has His reasons.  We could even still be doing tests and seeing specialists and planning our next idea of what might help, but maybe even holding off on that could be healthy for a while. Maybe I will be able to focus all of my attention on my miracle child, my amazing son who astounds me every day.  He brings joy to me in a way I could have never imagined until I experienced it.  Perhaps I will be able to more carefully appreciate each moment with him as I often wish I had when he was first born- now that I know a baby will be a rare occurrence for us.  

As far as dealing with pain and heartbreak I may be better equipped at this point to deal with the hurt of not being pregnant instead of losing a pregnancy every 6 months.  I can only do that for so long. “Next time” whenever that is, I’m considering not doing medical intervention, besides maybe starting on a baby aspirin when I find out, because nothing we’ve done seems to have even made a small difference.  I started on aspirin with jack at almost 6 weeks- and that’s all I did.

I think my reality is finally starting to shift.  Over and over I’ve been in disbelief that I couldn’t have another baby because I already had one…but after four times one after another I’ve been successfully beaten into the ground and it doesn’t feel as strange now to say “I can’t have any more babies right now.”  It causes me searing pain to say that, but maybe once I can accept that I can have a happy year focusing on what I do have.  After all, I have many blessings.