My sister in law lost her baby at 12 weeks the day after my last post. I cried for her with as much sorrow in my heart as I felt in my own losses. This was a hard week for our family. I was thankful that if we both have to go through such a horrible thing, that we can do it together in the same week, and get through Christmas time leaning on each other. It is a reminder to me that our trials help us learn the type of empathy that the Savior has, and we can become more like Him and feel closer to Him. I'm learning to truly mourn with those who mourn.
I've written before that I have FELT as if I was dealing with infertility, but found out this week that according to the definition, I do in fact have secondary infertility.
"Secondary infertility is defined as the inability to become pregnant, or to carry a pregnancy to term, following the birth of one or more biological children. The birth of the first child does not involve any assisted reproductive technologies or fertility medications."
"Infertility is defined as a disease or condition of the reproductive system often diagnosed after a couple has had one year of unprotected, well-timed intercourse, or if the woman has suffered from multiple miscarriages."
"Infertility is a medical problem. Approximately 40% of infertility is due to a female factor and 40% is due to a male factor. In the balance of the cases, infertility results from problems in both partners or the cause of the infertility cannot be explained."
"Infertility is defined as 2 or more consecutive miscarriages."
Well look at that- a new diagnosis. That means our next step is a fertility clinic (since the OBs and MFMs basically said they've done what they can do.) Oh boy, fertility clinic- since the losses are so early it does seem to be a problem with the getting pregnant part, something isn't working right there. I'm so nervous to dive into that world though. If I knew it would help I would go for it. But I'm not sure. It is a nerve racking and expensive next step. I was feeling like we were at the end of our options unless we started "fertility" treatments and testing, looks like i was right. There are so many tests out there for multiple miscarriages.
Hormonal Factors Tests.
Structural Factors Tests.
Adequacy of the Uterine Lining Tests
Tests for Chromosomal Causes.
Tests for Immunologic Causes.
Ugh. Let me tell you how much I love invasive, painful, or nerve-racking testing. I suppose we will be depending on the Lord's timing and not able to investigate this further for a while. Until we get a good job with benefits and actually have insurance we won't be able to afford fertility treatments. But from what I understand most fertility treatments have to be paid out of pocket anyway, so we may end up having to save up for a few years. Since we can get pregnant on our own maybe we won't need the most expensive treatments though. All I know is that emotionally I won't be able to dive back into this for a while anyway, so in the meantime while we are healing maybe we can get some ideas for the future.
Pretty much at this point I just feel sad. I think about not getting pregnant in the next year and my heart just sinks because we ache for another baby. I guess in my heart I still feel like "one of these times the pregnancy is bound to work and bring us a healthy baby. It worked once before" We are so thankful for the son we have so I will be filling my heart with everything good he gives me. Hopefully I can learn to cope with that sadness and learn patience until we can try again or see new specialists. At this point I feel humbled enough that all I want to do is what the Lord wants us to. If He doesn't want us to try again for 2 years and that's the right thing, then that's what I want to do. If God's will is for us to try again in three months- that's what we want to do. The hard part is discerning that. We're not really sure of anything at this point. My guess is we are learning patience and it is going to be a while.
I am trying to think about positive things in all of this- I mean, we have an extremely happy marriage, but most of our marriage has been focused around our babies. Our miracle boy with us now and the four we have lost. We found out we were 4 weeks pregnant with Jack 74 days after our wedding (and this is after only 2.5 months of dating and a 3 month engagement). We have been thrilled to spend our time caring for him and the other pregnancies, and have wanted our family to continue growing. We realize though, if it is not God's time for our family to grow, perhaps this will be a time where we can develop our relationship with each other a little more when the goal of having more children is not the immediate focus. Perhaps I will gain a little of my sanity back.
I just feel trapped because we don't want to stop trying, but what else do we do? Try again? We have no new treatment options or reasons to believe I would be able to carry a child now so if we tried again at this point it looks like we would just have another loss. It really would be the definition of insanity. All I feel like we can do now is take a break, and see if the Lord's will changes with time. Maybe we'll try again in a year, and if we have another loss we might have to look into a fertility clinic. Waiting isn't what scares me. I'm scared we'll wait a year or so and have the exact same tragedy and all my hope will be extinguished. At least we are young and I still have a good 15 or 20 years that it would be possible for me to have our next miracle baby. I'm learning to have joy in the journey and appreciate the good life and wonderful family I have.
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