What's In A Name?

I’ve had some people ask about the meaning of the name of my blog.   “My Heart’s Arias.”  Aria is a word you use a lot in the music world, it means, “an accompanied song for solo voice.”  I think of it as a “vocal monologue” usually with lots of emotion.  So “my heart’s arias” pretty much means “songs of my heart” but more accurately “emotional solos of my heart.” Haha.  I preferred that name because of the alliteration in the vowel sounds and thought it made it sound more poetic.  So there is that little story if you were wondering. 

My heart has some more songs to sing this week still.  It’s been almost a week since I got the implant in my arm (still horribly sore but healing well).  I wish I could say I feel relieved and ready to move on with life…but unfortunately that’s not how real life works. Occasionally, and really, more often than not, the "relief" of being "done with it for now" will subside and that heartbroken devastation will dominate for a time.  Maybe I just don’t give myself enough time to grieve, but why does it still hurt so bad?  Even with our “new plan” in place?  Like I can’t even see through it.  I have to remind myself of a saying that brings me a lot of peace, “It hurts because it matters.”  It’s supposed to hurt.  That’s ok.  It’s no fun to feel sad and heartbroken month after month but somehow I have to learn to deal with it.  Our first loss was in 2012, so in the world of infertility which spans years and years, we may just be getting started.  I’ve got to learn to deal with this part of my life- the mourning and the sadness and even jealousy, other than just looking forward to the future.  Simply because I don’t want to feel like this for the next five years, or even five days really.  It hurts because it matters.

When you get desperate- you learn submission.  Like a small child.  Maybe I'm stubborn enough that I wouldn't really learn submission any other way.  I feel like the most desperate and heartbreaking days I've felt have brought real and full submission in my prayers. It gets to the point where I just want to do the right thing so I can just have some relief.  If I do the right things maybe I’ll have some peace.  “The future is as bright as your faith.”  I wish my faith was too bright to look at.  Currently, it needs some help.  I haven’t given up on it though, and that’s better than nothing.  Sometimes you just need someone to tell you that there is hope.  I need to hear it and have people share that with me so I feel like it’s a real thing.  Having jack seems like a different universe…like a good dream more than a memory.  It is so strange to me now that we had a child.

The thing about feeling depressed is that there is no particular cause or reason necessarily.  Yes, I’m sad about the baby.  I’m devastated about our “infertility” but the mourning of those things come in moments and then you push through them.  This doesn’t feel like that.  It's just like a cloud over everything.  I wake up with headaches, the hours of the day go by slowly and I look at what I need to do and mostly have no desire or energy to do it.  I feel sad for no reason and feel exhausted even though I sleep.  Being tired leads me to eat crappy junk food- which makes me feel worse and more tired, and fat.  I feel worse that I'm not exercising because of said lack of energy, so I eat more food because "what's the use."  Then I look around at how non-productive I have been and feel even more depressed and worthless and it starts all over.  I look at things that used to excite me or motivate/energize me and just think "I don't care."  It's hard to deal with this.  I hope I can figure it out.  I'll be motivated for like a day, then my goals (even the tiny ones) feel so overwhelming that I feel like "it's no use" and life is never going to change.  I would describe the feeling as "numbing."  I find myself watching stupid movies on netflix that I'm not even interested in and don't like- because I just don't want to deal with my life, even though it's not a bad life.  That doesn't feel like me.  I know in my mind that I have a great life, I’m not sure why I can’t line up that gratitude with my emotions.  I shouldn’t feel so sad.  Sometimes I find myself avoiding eye contact with people around me because I just don't want to talk or interact at all.  That doesn't feel like me.  My spiritual life feels "dimmed."   Like if I go through the motions of prayer and scripture reading it kind of feels half-hearted and I really want to get past that.  It does help with being baby hungry though- because if I can't take care of myself, I won't take care of Jack as well as I could, and certainly not him plus another child.  In the very first verse of the Book of Mormon, Nephi says “…and having seen many afflictions in the course of my days, nevertheless, having been highly favored of the Lord in all my days…”  That’s really how it works isn’t it?  Those who are highly favored of the Lord have also seen many afflictions.  Still though, the harder the trial, the greater the blessings in the end.  They go hand in hand.  I was glad to have that reminder.  

  

Speaking of names today...  Small symbols in my life cause me to ponder.  Usually they bring me some peace.  I was thinking about Jack’s name.  I’ve written before how we named him Jack because it means “God is gracious.”  We knew that Jack was a miracle as the doctors were somewhat amazed that he was “just fine” and that we never had a loss before him.  We didn’t know how much of a miracle he was or how gracious God had been.  His middle name though, we struggled on for a little while.  It wasn’t until the name “Hyrum” came to my mind that I felt settled.  I knew that I wanted his middle name to be Hyrum after Hyrum Smith, brother to the prophet Joseph Smith.  Few places in history will you find a more loving, devoted brother.  As Jack was our first child, I knew he would be the older brother to all our future children and couldn’t think of a better example to name him after.  It strikes me now as I wonder when/if we will have more children for Jack to be an older brother to that I felt so strongly to name him Jack Hyrum.  It strengthens my faith to remember how sure I was a few years ago that we would have more children.  I wish I still had that assurity.  I know my son though, and even at two years old, I’m already sure he will be a great leader, friend, and brother to many people.  Even if they aren’t his biological siblings.    

I want to end my post with a story of love and hope.  I met a woman, through the internet, who I’ve become close to about these matters.  She and her husband have struggled through the years with unexplained infertility, failed adoptions, and two miscarriages.  They’ve been through fertility treatments, IVF, domestic infant adoption, embryo adoption, you name it, and still have suffered two losses.  We had connected shortly before we both found out we were expecting.  I think we were only a single day apart in our cycles.  During my waits at the hospital I would message her to help my nerves.  She was a calming and supportive influence for me through the pregnancy and one of the first people I told when my numbers came back low and we knew we would lose the baby.  She is a sister in this heartache and a blessing in my life.  Unfortunately, they lost their baby just a few weeks after our loss.  If you would like to follow her blog, it’s http://www.wheresbabymiller.com/.  God is good.  It is so important to remember that.  Here I was feeling like this woman who I've never met in person was helping me so much and being a healing influence.  She was someone I could talk to who had even a slight clue as to what I was feeling, and somehow the Lord blessed her through my experiences to help her prepare for what was in store for them also with the loss of their pregnancy.  She explained that through our conversations she was able to prepare for the “missed miscarriage” that they were faced with.  I would have had the same thing happen on my ultra sound had we not done blood work every other day to warn us beforehand.

The tender mercy is not only that the Lord can bring together His children that need each other (who live in different states and had no reason to meet)- the mercy is that He also lets us recognize the blessing as a reminder of how much He loves us.  All of us.  He hasn't forgotten us in our moment of need or time of pain.  He believes in our strength to carry on with love and faith.