Pondering

Well it is a new year, and this last week has brought me time to ponder on so many different things in my life.  I’m starting to understand that happiness doesn’t just come with certain circumstances, but happiness comes through our actions and our satisfaction in the way we are living our life- despite what may be "in the cards" for us.  I’ve started to think more about who I want to be instead of what I want to do or how I want to build my life.  Granted, what you do says a lot about who you are, but I’m focusing more on how I want to do it.  I want to handle situations gracefully and have joy in my circumstances.  The “come what may and love it” attitude.  I have a richly blessed life, and through the pain of difficult times it takes self-control to focus on all those good things around you and not to let sorrow drown them out.  “You do not find the happy life.  You make it.”

I had some dark days since the last time I wrote- I felt like I just didn’t have it “together” and some days I didn’t even try to.  I started experiencing panic attacks.  Suddenly I would get dizzy and my vision would blur.  My fingers would tingle and I felt so overwhelmed I thought my brain would shut down completely.  I would start hyperventilating and things stopped making sense.  I would sit on the floor and rock back and forth and sob and shake and thought I was only a second away from destruction the grief and depression was so strong.  My sweet husband would sit there with me and wait for me to say something, but most of the time I couldn’t.  I had to take drugs to help me sleep.  It became clear to me that time is essential for us right now.  If I continue to go through this every few months I won’t have any resemblance of a normal life.  Though I would go through it if I felt like it was right.  But so clearly, it is time for us to be done with this part for a while.

Though we have had wonderful and amazing support, it feels that some people expect you to go back to normal life faster this time around, because it seems I would be "used to it" after 4 times- but they don't know the nightly anguish.  They don’t seem to understand that each loss gets more painful, not less. The loss feels more crushing and hope subsides with each subsequent miscarriage.  I can't think about it for more than a few seconds, because if I don't push the thoughts away I really feel like I'm suffocating from the pain.  My chest tighens and I feel like I can't breathe.  It hurts to lose some of that faith you had.  We were so looking forward to a miracle- but after 4 times of hoping, that light feels pretty burnt out.  We feel so tired.   

I used to feel embarrassed about the emotional depth I have- how I feel everything so deeply and wear my heart on my sleeve.  How I analyze everything and how my heart feels caught in even small details.  Now, I am learning to love this about myself.  I think that it allows me to love deeper and feel joy more fully.  I think it is in that part of me that the musician is found, and why a piece of music can change my life because of what I feel when I hear it.  Being an emotional person can be a blessing if you learn how to handle it.

That pain does not go away.  Just last night I had a waiter ask how old our son is and start asking if we wanted another child, and talking about how it feels to hold a newborn in your arms.  In some ways, I feel that I do have more than one child, but they are not here with me at this time.  Nothing is lost to the Lord.  But despite painful encounters such as that-we deal with it, we move on with courage, and love and faith, and that's what makes us moms and dads.  We love even those babies we don't get to meet.  I loved them so much right from the very start.

My sweet sister in law gave me a beautiful picture for Christmas, one that I keep next to my bed now and it brings me comfort in times of grief. 

When I hurt I can remember that I held them each second of their lives.  The flowers in the pictures are called forget-me-nots.  I will never forget the loss of life we have experienced.  This picture has a two fold meaning to me when I see it.  God does not forget me either.  I am His child, and He has carried me every second of my life, whether I have acknowledged Him or not.  When I truly realize how much God loves me, the pain is swallowed up with gratitude and love for my Savior and the realization that this is just temporary and the sorrow will not last forever.  I did my job.  I carried those little lives as diligently and faithfully as I could, and that work is finished at this time.  Though it hurts, we trust that God’s ways are higher than our own, and that He does have it all figured out.  I saw an ornament this Christmas that spoke peace to my soul once again.  "Because someone we love is in heaven, there is a little bit of heaven in our home."  I want to live worthily of every blessing God intends to give us in His own timing.  I believe we will have more children and I believe in honoring the part of our family that is with God now.   I want to allow that knowledge to influence and bless our home with the Spirit.    

It is a struggle to feel we don’t have options with our regular doctors at this point.  There can always be more consultations, but there don’t seem to be many more answers within those appointments at this time.  Our next step, as I’ve written before, will be at a fertility clinic.  Financially we aren’t able to afford treatment at this time, but moreso than that I don’t think we have the emotionally reserve left to handle it this year.  I believe we will need some time to build our strength, our finances, and learn to find joy in the journey.  We will try again someday, and we are blessed enough to have many other things to focus on this year to try and better our lives.  Sometimes I feel guilty for putting the “baby dream” on hold, but it is a choice that has been handed to us and I am trying to accept it gracefully and with a smile and hope for tomorrow.  I believe that God understands the chemistry of my body down to the last detail and in a way that medicine will never understand.  After we do all we can do, He absolutely can fix the problem according to His will and timing.  We will do our best to study and learn and sacrifice, and leave the rest to Him with as much faith as we can find in ourselves.  Mary was a virgin after all, and she had a baby because it was His will.  Nothing is impossible for a loving Heavenly Father.  I feel so blessed to have the son I have and appreciate this time that I will have to spend one on one with him as we learn patience and hope for the future.

Just when I had my mind made up about getting the implant which can last up to three years (we plan to leave it for at least a year) and was getting settled- regrets and worries haunted me all last weekend.  Should I not even call the clinic to see what it would cost for a consult?  Am i going to regret this?  I was starting to worry about the quality of our embryos.  Maybe there is something wrong with the sperm or the egg.  Jack was just perfect somehow.  Maybe I have that problem they call "super fertility" where you get pregnant even with embryos that your body would normally reject because of a problem.  This may be a possibility because I always get pregnant the very first month we try, when it takes most people at least a few months.  I emailed the clinic and called and waited for them to get back to me.  As I continued to wait and not hear back from them, I was reassured that it was not the right time to pursue this course of action and I could leave it be for now.  Trying to figure out “what is wrong” is too overwhelming right now.  It would take over my whole life. 

I was talking to my bishop about how I worry sometimes that we don't know if we are making the right decisions even though we are trying to do what God wants us to.  He reminded us that in a covenant marriage if we are doing the best we can and are united in a decision for our family, it will be the right decision for us at that time.  I felt a lot of peace in that.  If Kevin and I are unified- it will be the right choice. Sometimes I still feel like “this sucks because all we want right now is a baby.”  But I can’t afford to think like that anymore- I have to focus on other good things we want in life right now and can work towards.

Sitting in the office waiting for the implant wasn’t easy.  I was alone on the table for over an hour because the doctor was running behind.  I felt so small.  So sad.  I felt like I was giving up on a dream.  But really, I was giving it to the Lord to hold onto for me for a while.  This was an important step for me- to accept God's will enough to take a step forward in waiting to have more children.  I don't think it is His will for me to suffer loss after loss every few months, so much as hope for a miracle once or maybe twice a year- this will give us time to heal and time to discover.  I think He knows I won't give up on it.  Perhaps this trial will lead us down a different path we wouldn’t have put ourselves on.

The procedure itself wasn’t the worst thing I’ve ever gone through- but it was icky.  I was extremely nervous since I’ve had procedures where the numbing didn’t take well (more than once…it’s horrifying) so they gave me some valium in advance to help me stay calm.  The numbing shots hurt a lot, and since my body is “sensitive to this kind of attack” as my doctor put it, I had a vasovagal response (basically the world started spinning and I started sweating and trying to throw up).  It was nerve racking but luckily I didn’t feel the big scary needle go in (they gave me a little extra numbing medicine just in case).  I felt dizzy and sick for a while, and it’s been a sore couple of days, but I am glad it’s a done deal now!  No more blood tests every 48 hours (my arms are grateful).  No more yucky stuff until I have to get the implant cut out, which I am expecting will be worse than getting it in since it involves cutting.  Lovely.   

See the soreness factor?  Just in case anyone was considering one. Haha.  I think it's worth it though- especially if a couple was planning to wait three years.

I actually am really excited about the New Year.  Hopefully we will be heading to doctorate school.  Since we are taking a break from trying for a baby for the year, I hope I'll be able to have a little more peace in my life until we feel ready to try for a miracle again- and maybe look into fertility treatment.  I'm excited to try and focus on some other things.  I know a lot of people say this at the start of a new year, but I really do want to lose some weight.  This hormonal and emotional roller-coaster my body has been on for the last year and a half has found me almost 30 extra pounds- and that has never happened to me before. I don't recognize myself in the mirror and I am very self-conscious about it.  I want to feel better and healthier and be proud of how I look.  I hope I can find something that works for me, and I'm sure that will help me avoid depression.  All the loss has made me appreciate more what I have- so perhaps the break from trying will help me to focus on taking better care of what I do have (including myself) instead of focusing so much on what I don't that it takes over my life.  Here's to a wonderful and exciting new year!