5 week update

Wow this week has been full of ups and downs.  The only thing that matters however- I'm still pregnant!  No red flags or sign of any problems yet, and we are so thankful and humbled!  Our past few pregnancies we have had reason to worry or be concerned by this point.  We are feeling all of your prayers and seeing God's hand.  I'm also starting to feel more sick in the mornings! Hooray! Haha.

Baby is the size of a sesame seed.  Their brain is developing from the neural tube and at the end of this week their heart should start to beat!  That will be a huge victory for us.

Illustration of 5 weeks gestation.  Isn't it strange to think we all started out like this? 

The concerning part of my week started last Friday, when I seemed to have some sort of weird allergic reaction to my Lovenox injection.  Horrible itchy burning hives everywhere- and the shots were feeling more painful than ever.

It was scary because I'm always concerned the medicine I'm taking may be harming instead of helping the baby.  I didn't want any weird antibodies floating around from some type of a reaction.  The next day the doctor wanted to make sure I wasn't showing any sign of Heparin Induced Thrombocytopenia so they just took a CBC to check everything in my blood.  They took my beta (hCG levels) too.  It was two days earlier than I had anticipated checking them so I was a nervous wreck.  According to normal growth rates, the hCG that day should have been at LEAST around 300.  I had never seen one of my pregnancies get past the rate of 200 before the growth slowed.  So I just couldn't imagine seeing any other number.  It seemed unrealistic.  As much as I tried to stay positive I felt very "doom and gloom" waiting for that number to come back around 160 instead of at least 300.  Then when it came back-  845.

845!  The highest number I had ever seen!!  The relief washed over me. Not only was the growth fantastic, but this baby is already set apart from all the others (aside from Jack.)  Something is working.  I feel like it has a lot to do with the DNA quality.  That's just what makes sense to me.  Keep growing baby!

Yesterday was my MFM (maternal fetal medicine) appointment.  The plan was for me to meet THE expert in Lovenox in pregnancy to bring him on to my case.  It was by far the most difficult and emotional part of my week.  It was an emotional place to be anyway- a women's center in a hospital.  It felt so weird to fill out those forms and realize I've been pregnant every year since 2011- at least for a couple weeks during each year. I told myself 8th time's a charm for baby #2!

Specialists have a reputation for being harsh and having abrasive personalities.  Having experienced this before, I was a bit nervous going into the consult.  At first, I liked him because he was so hard core science.  He didn't talk down to me and actually made the conversation pretty casual (swear words and all haha) so I was thinking we would click together well.  He did think we would have successful pregnancies someday, but then his words got a little rough.  He asked if I had accepted the fact that we would have more losses than live births, now and in the future (obviously, I'm already 6 for 1.)  Then he went on a rant saying, "This will NEVER be as easy for you as your friends, your neighbors, the girl down the street..." blah blah blah.  It felt like he was just trying to make me cry.  I already know this fact there is no reason to be so harsh about it.  He said he understood that I'd lost so many and it was probably "pissing me off."  I just felt like my actual emotions were a joke to him.

He started talking about how he was determined to get some viable tissue for testing from this fetus (you know, if I actually lose it) and I was thinking "Slow down why are we talking about this!  Nothing is wrong yet!"  He reminded me there are exactly ZERO treatments approved by the FDA for treatment of recurrent miscarriage.  I already know the evidence isn't strong so I said "Yeah, I know these are best guesses."  He responded with "I couldn't even call them that- maybe just guesses with no proof."  I tried to prove my point that with the better DNA quality being a reason this baby is growing better.  He said it was "interesting" at best but there were no real studies behind it.  I tried to cite the Reproductive Urologist and what we had learned with actual scientific tests but he just laughed "They don't actually know that."  As if we had been lied to.  I started to feel angry like he was just kicking me while I was down, trying to shred my last bit of hope.  As far as the medications, which is why I came for his opinion, he seemed like he could care less.  He said I could take all of it or none of it and it wouldn't make a difference.  That I couldn't get fixated on the problem being ONE thing because it "never is."  (Except as soon as Kevin has surgery suddenly we're having success while I'm treating all my issues?)  He was from the Old School and basically said no one else knew what they were talking about.  He said I had an obvious medical issue (duh) but that people "make a bigger deal out of MTHFR and thyroid disease than there needs to be."  Because people have those things and have babies all the time.  Maybe that's true, but I DON'T.  Which is why I was there!  He didn't buy the idea of my Deplin prescription for converted folate (which surprised me because I've read the clinical evidence behind it).  I wanted to say, "Excuse me Sir, do you have thyroid disease?"  Maybe if he did, he would realize it is a big deal- to feel exhausted.  To be in your 20s and feel like you're in your 70s.

I get that he's all about hard evidence- and there just isn't much of that in the case of recurrent miscarriage.  But I really felt like I was debating at a medical convention instead of at a consult.  I have a whole new love and appreciation for my wonderful fertility clinic.  My "proof" was totally ignored by the MFM and I left sobbing.  I felt like my baby no longer had a chance- that I had been fooling myself and we would never know why.  I reminded myself that I'm also a spiritual person and I have to do what I feel is right.  I'm this baby's mommy.  I will have intuition that a callous doctor (who even teases doctors in other specialties) will never have.

I walked down to the outpatient lab to get my blood drawn and have my last beta and all my confidence was shattered.  The girl behind me in line was laughing the whole time about how she's pregnant with her 4th and didn't even know until 21 weeks.  She took birth control and hard core exercised the whole time and the baby is still fine.  She laughed, "isn't that the funniest thing you've ever heard, the things we don't even notice!"  I felt so much injustice and despair that she could do nothing, or even everything wrong and get a 4th healthy baby- and no matter what I do, it just isn't working like that.

The office scheduled me for an ultrasound to find baby's heartbeat next week- pending my hCG results.  I made the appointment heavy hearted, thinking they would cancel it when my numbers came back poor.  They made it for next Thursday, which on my calendar is listed as "The National Day of Prayer."  So, perfect.

I decided if the numbers were good, I would finish the last 7 injections I have and then switch back to only aspirin (thank heavens) since I still have no clinical indication for Lovenox.  I've never had a blood clot.  The doctor said that was fine.  Why did I even see him if I just decided what to do with no advice anyway??  In four studies, Lovenox never reduced miscarriage rates (only clots in at-risk moms) so I feel ok about it.  I only did aspirin with Jack.

Waiting hours for those hCG results was painful and included lots of crying.  I just let that doctor get in my head.  We wanted to see numbers at least between 1800-2000 (which again seemed impossible since it's ten times higher than what we've ever seen.)

They came back, 3517!!!! I about hit the floor.  Miracles are happening.  This baby is healthy thus far.

Isn't this the most beautiful graph you've ever seen?!

 So, with these numbers I don't have to do any more beta tests!  Oh they are just the worst!  So I'll have one ultrasound with the MFM next week to check for a heartbeat (he's the only one the insurance will cover this early.)  If the heartbeat is good and baby looks viable, I'll have my 8 week ultrasound with my regular OB.  The joy of being able to go to a regular OB office after all these years would be indescribable!!

Your prayers are felt and we are so thankful to all of you for your love and concern!  We're praying for this baby's heart to develop properly and that we'll be able to see it fluttering away beautifully next week!

We haven't told Jack Jack yet, even though he knows we've lost others. I'm afraid a loss in present tense would break his heart.  But if we see that heartbeat, we are planning on telling him that he's going to be a big brother next week! I've been waiting for this moment for so long!!

4 week update

I have been astounded with how many of you have reached out to us!  It is such an amazing feeling to know that hundreds of people are praying for you- family, friends, and friends of friends.  This has been such a humbling experience to see so many people with empathy reach out in love and concern every single day.  I have been checked on day and night and have been offered every comfort.  There are so many amazing people in my life- how have I been so blessed?  I know that God shows us His hand and His work through difficult times and one miracle I have seen so far is to know that people literally all around the world, are praying for my baby.  As my best friend said, "Your baby is already the most loved being on the entire planet."  I have felt that even so early in this pregnancy, this baby has brought so many together in faith.  What an amazing experience to be a mother to a baby like this.

perfect gift from my sister

We have made it to the four week mark- which is obviously still very early (baby is the size of a poppy seed) but we celebrate every milestone around here!  The good news is we have passed the chemical pregnancy phase- which is basically when you find out you're pregnant before you miss your period, but then get your period anyway because something went wrong in the very beginning.

I can only hope that next week I have a happy 5 week update.  The next two weeks are the most terrifying for me.  All of my losses have been before the official 6 week mark.  Some, only a day or two before six weeks, others I lost between week 4 and 5.  So, naturally, I feel like I am walking on eggshells all the time this week and most likely over analyze every symptom.  I have had symptoms that at times are really strong, and other times they are totally absent. I know this is normal so early, but it is always nerve racking.  I am afraid every time I start to get back pain, because most of my losses began with extreme lower back pain.  But I have chronic back issues anyway, so I'm trying to ignore it when it happens.  Every time I use the bathroom I'm afraid to see blood or spotting.  That kind of anxiety isn't easy but I'm getting through it easier than in past pregnancies. I can feel your prayers!

The best news is that, thus far, tracking baby's growth with hormones in my blood have shown very good results.  We wanted growth to double between Saturday and Monday, but the growth went up five times the amount!  It was very reassuring, but other babies of ours have started the same way, so really this upcoming week is the most critical one.  I'm trying to tell myself that every baby starts out the same, so I can't expect too much too soon.  We've made the difficult choice to not continue monitoring the blood through this week because of how stressful it is to pour over numbers every other day, when even little variations can make us feel like hope is lost.  I feel like in a week's time, testing the numbers will give us the most accurate result of where we are at.  But it is very hard to wait.  Part of me thinks if we just tested every other day and the results were fantastic, I would be more at peace.  That's a hard choice to make, but Kevin is very opposed to continuing the draws so that helped me with the decision.  I'm just counting on symptoms to reassure me through this week.

The only "bad news" from this week is to find that my thyroid dipped down low really fast.  Since I have an autoimmune thyroid disease, that is likely to happen anyway, but especially in pregnancy.  It's scary because if the thyroid gets too low, it can risk the baby.  I've already started a higher dose of medication and I'm trying to put it in God's hands.  The injections have been hard to do- they are really painful for me and always make me emotional.  I dread it every night.  Some of those raw, angry feelings come out, like why do I have to do this every night?!  Mostly because they are a precaution and we don't know if they are actually helping anything- but it's too risky to not do them.  I'll stop complaining if baby keeps growing :)  Sometimes I'm even worried that the injections are doing harm if they aren't really necessary.  I'm sure when we are finished having kids they will have this medication in a pill form. ;)

Thank you all for the texts and messages and the "just checking in" sentiments.  Just to know that my baby and I are in the thoughts and prayers of so many is very comforting to me.  I love you all so much.  Keep praying!  I'm hoping to post again with good news in a week!

Christmas Baby

Our very own Christmas miracle is in the making!  I see absolutely no point in keeping it a secret until later.

We have a baby due December 28th of this year.  It's still sinking in.  I'm only in my third week of pregnancy (they have me test early) and I had it confirmed with blood work yesterday.  It's always scary this early- but this is part of the journey so I'm writing about it despite the risks.

How am I feeling?  I'm overjoyed.  I'm terrified.  I'm hopeful.  I'm desperate.  I'm doubting.  All of the feelings.  I'm living in constant suspense.  But- I have the best friends and family members.  I have been met with nothing but optimism, support, love, and prayers.  How could I ask for more?

Everything looks good so far in the blood work- it's so early that everything is just barely getting started, but since numbers and hormones are where they should be at this point, I'm happy.  I just don't want that to change!  If we can get through the next couple of weeks and see a strong heartbeat I know I will breathe easier.

I have so much more hope for this baby than I have had in a long time because Kevin's DNA results were so promising.  But there's only so much I can do to keep all those old feelings from flooding back from my last 6 pregnancies.  It's just the way I expect things to go.  I hardly remember the start of my pregnancy with Jack compared with all the interventions from the start of my others.  I was in line at the grocery store, and the woman ahead of me looked to be 7 or 8 months pregnant.  And I felt like my pregnancy wasn't as real as hers.  Like it didn't count the same.  In moments like that, defeat and sorrow suddenly overtake me.  I take a deep breath and try to push it away.  I say to myself, "You and me baby.  We got this."  I keep telling the baby that so they know to keep growing. Set the bar high early ;)

I'm trying not to be too hard on myself- it's going to feel how it's going to feel.  I can only do the best I can.  This is not something that anyone can do alone.  I have been praying nonstop- and I'm trying to not make my prayers just sound like begging.

It wouldn't just be our miracle- it would be our whole family's.  And our friends.  Anyone who has thought about us, prayed for us, read my blog.  It would be a way that God can manifest his miracles to everyone who follows our story.  But it would also be my miracle.  To be a mother to a rainbow baby and to be able to look at their eyes every day and KNOW that God loves me and gave me the greatest gift and desire of my heart.

I hope I don't embarrass my friends but I just have to say- the people in my life are so comforting and know just what to say.  I'm so uplifted and inspired by my friends.  I have to record some of the lovely things I've been told- they are so comforting to me in times of doubt.

One friend told me, "...You have fought harder for your children than anyone I know to have your children here.  They have seen that their mom is their biggest fighter and advocate and I imagine they are quite anxious to be with you.  A lot of people would have given up by now but you have done literally everything to give your kids a chance.  Your kids on the other side have no doubt in their minds that their mom loves them, wants them, and will do everything for them."

Another friend was sharing how when she got pregnant after a loss, she felt the adversary working to make her feel like there was not a person inside of her- to keep her from feeling happy and in love with the child.  Then she said, "But God gave me this child to carry for now, and as long as it was mine I needed to love it and care for it...I was keeping myself from being happy...I will pray for you and Kevin to be happy no matter how long God has given you this treasure to hold!"

Also my brother gave me a beautiful priesthood blessing, which helps me keep everything in perspective and reminded me how much my Heavenly Father loves me and is proud of my perseverance.

I could not ask for a better support system.

These next few weeks are terrifying- but I'm trying my best to let faith conquer fear.  Thank you for your love and prayers and astounding optimism for us.

"takin' shots"

hahaha I captured Kevin's actual reaction before he put the shot in my belly- he didn't know I was taking a pic. Haha!!

Prayers for a "sticky bean" as they call it in the infertility world