My Heart's Arias: Christmas Baby

Our very own Christmas miracle is in the making! I see absolutely no point in keeping it a secret until later.

We have a baby due December 28th of this year. It's still sinking in. I'm only in my third week of pregnancy (they have me test early) and I had it confirmed with blood work yesterday. It's always scary this early- but this is part of the journey so I'm writing about it despite the risks.

How am I feeling? I'm overjoyed. I'm terrified. I'm hopeful. I'm desperate. I'm doubting. All of the feelings. I'm living in constant suspense. But- I have the best friends and family members. I have been met with nothing but optimism, support, love, and prayers. How could I ask for more?

Everything looks good so far in the blood work- it's so early that everything is just barely getting started, but since numbers and hormones are where they should be at this point, I'm happy. I just don't want that to change! If we can get through the next couple of weeks and see a strong heartbeat I know I will breathe easier.

I have so much more hope for this baby than I have had in a long time because Kevin's DNA results were so promising. But there's only so much I can do to keep all those old feelings from flooding back from my last 6 pregnancies. It's just the way I expect things to go. I hardly remember the start of my pregnancy with Jack compared with all the interventions from the start of my others. I was in line at the grocery store, and the woman ahead of me looked to be 7 or 8 months pregnant. And I felt like my pregnancy wasn't as real as hers. Like it didn't count the same. In moments like that, defeat and sorrow suddenly overtake me. I take a deep breath and try to push it away. I say to myself, "You and me baby. We got this." I keep telling the baby that so they know to keep growing. Set the bar high early ;)

I'm trying not to be too hard on myself- it's going to feel how it's going to feel. I can only do the best I can. This is not something that anyone can do alone. I have been praying nonstop- and I'm trying to not make my prayers just sound like begging.

It wouldn't just be our miracle- it would be our whole family's. And our friends. Anyone who has thought about us, prayed for us, read my blog. It would be a way that God can manifest his miracles to everyone who follows our story. But it would also be my miracle. To be a mother to a rainbow baby and to be able to look at their eyes every day and KNOW that God loves me and gave me the greatest gift and desire of my heart.

I hope I don't embarrass my friends but I just have to say- the people in my life are so comforting and know just what to say. I'm so uplifted and inspired by my friends. I have to record some of the lovely things I've been told- they are so comforting to me in times of doubt.

One friend told me, "...You have fought harder for your children than anyone I know to have your children here. They have seen that their mom is their biggest fighter and advocate and I imagine they are quite anxious to be with you. A lot of people would have given up by now but you have done literally everything to give your kids a chance. Your kids on the other side have no doubt in their minds that their mom loves them, wants them, and will do everything for them."

Another friend was sharing how when she got pregnant after a loss, she felt the adversary working to make her feel like there was not a person inside of her- to keep her from feeling happy and in love with the child. Then she said, "But God gave me this child to carry for now, and as long as it was mine I needed to love it and care for it...I was keeping myself from being happy...I will pray for you and Kevin to be happy no matter how long God has given you this treasure to hold!"

Also my brother gave me a beautiful priesthood blessing, which helps me keep everything in perspective and reminded me how much my Heavenly Father loves me and is proud of my perseverance.

I could not ask for a better support system.

These next few weeks are terrifying- but I'm trying my best to let faith conquer fear. Thank you for your love and prayers and astounding optimism for us.