4 week update

I have been astounded with how many of you have reached out to us!  It is such an amazing feeling to know that hundreds of people are praying for you- family, friends, and friends of friends.  This has been such a humbling experience to see so many people with empathy reach out in love and concern every single day.  I have been checked on day and night and have been offered every comfort.  There are so many amazing people in my life- how have I been so blessed?  I know that God shows us His hand and His work through difficult times and one miracle I have seen so far is to know that people literally all around the world, are praying for my baby.  As my best friend said, "Your baby is already the most loved being on the entire planet."  I have felt that even so early in this pregnancy, this baby has brought so many together in faith.  What an amazing experience to be a mother to a baby like this.

perfect gift from my sister

We have made it to the four week mark- which is obviously still very early (baby is the size of a poppy seed) but we celebrate every milestone around here!  The good news is we have passed the chemical pregnancy phase- which is basically when you find out you're pregnant before you miss your period, but then get your period anyway because something went wrong in the very beginning.

I can only hope that next week I have a happy 5 week update.  The next two weeks are the most terrifying for me.  All of my losses have been before the official 6 week mark.  Some, only a day or two before six weeks, others I lost between week 4 and 5.  So, naturally, I feel like I am walking on eggshells all the time this week and most likely over analyze every symptom.  I have had symptoms that at times are really strong, and other times they are totally absent. I know this is normal so early, but it is always nerve racking.  I am afraid every time I start to get back pain, because most of my losses began with extreme lower back pain.  But I have chronic back issues anyway, so I'm trying to ignore it when it happens.  Every time I use the bathroom I'm afraid to see blood or spotting.  That kind of anxiety isn't easy but I'm getting through it easier than in past pregnancies. I can feel your prayers!

The best news is that, thus far, tracking baby's growth with hormones in my blood have shown very good results.  We wanted growth to double between Saturday and Monday, but the growth went up five times the amount!  It was very reassuring, but other babies of ours have started the same way, so really this upcoming week is the most critical one.  I'm trying to tell myself that every baby starts out the same, so I can't expect too much too soon.  We've made the difficult choice to not continue monitoring the blood through this week because of how stressful it is to pour over numbers every other day, when even little variations can make us feel like hope is lost.  I feel like in a week's time, testing the numbers will give us the most accurate result of where we are at.  But it is very hard to wait.  Part of me thinks if we just tested every other day and the results were fantastic, I would be more at peace.  That's a hard choice to make, but Kevin is very opposed to continuing the draws so that helped me with the decision.  I'm just counting on symptoms to reassure me through this week.

The only "bad news" from this week is to find that my thyroid dipped down low really fast.  Since I have an autoimmune thyroid disease, that is likely to happen anyway, but especially in pregnancy.  It's scary because if the thyroid gets too low, it can risk the baby.  I've already started a higher dose of medication and I'm trying to put it in God's hands.  The injections have been hard to do- they are really painful for me and always make me emotional.  I dread it every night.  Some of those raw, angry feelings come out, like why do I have to do this every night?!  Mostly because they are a precaution and we don't know if they are actually helping anything- but it's too risky to not do them.  I'll stop complaining if baby keeps growing :)  Sometimes I'm even worried that the injections are doing harm if they aren't really necessary.  I'm sure when we are finished having kids they will have this medication in a pill form. ;)

Thank you all for the texts and messages and the "just checking in" sentiments.  Just to know that my baby and I are in the thoughts and prayers of so many is very comforting to me.  I love you all so much.  Keep praying!  I'm hoping to post again with good news in a week!