Keep defying the odds, Rainbow!

My last blog post was a little bit of a cliffhanger, as we were trying to figure out how to treat the subchorionic hemorrhage. My whole life feels a bit like a cliffhanger! I’m sure pregnancy after loss always feels like that. My OB office called and basically recommended continuing Lovenox injections unless vaginal bleeding became “too heavy.” Yikes. I was not comfortable with that at all. I told them I was going to discontinue the injections and would discuss it with them in person the following week. It is always really hard to be brave enough to make my own healthcare decisions. I worry about being wrong, but also worry that if something goes wrong with the baby I will blame myself and the decisions I made. 

Thankfully, I didn’t have to wait too long for my first OB appointment. At that time I had been off Lovenox for about a week, and wouldn’t you know it, the ultrasound showed the bleed had resolved! I felt like the luckiest person in the world! I worried about the SCH with Aidia for months as the bleeding would start and stop. It’s really a miracle I haven’t had any episodes of bleeding or spotting with this pregnancy!

My doctor was not outright concerned about me continuing to work full time, at least not medically. I needed reassurance that it won’t harm the baby if I continue my night shifts, because I’m not sure what else I can work out right now. Baby’s heartbeat looked perfect and they decided to stick with a due date of June 17th. 

My OB also recommended I start progesterone supplementation to help with the transition to the placenta being the main support for baby. So I will be taking some extra hormones through Week 13.  I left that appointment walking on air- it’s so surreal that I might actually get the happy ending I’ve been dreaming of for so many years.

I felt great and reassured, until anxiety crept back in. I looked at the report from my appointment and saw that baby was measuring 7 weeks by ultrasound instead of 7 +2, which is where I should have been by my dates. I was especially worried when I remembered I had measured at 5 +4 when by dates I was about 5 +1. Did that mean that growth was slowing down? I told myself repeatedly that there had to be some variability in measurements when the baby is that small. Also, these ultrasounds were done on different machines, in different offices, by different providers. I did a little research about variations in CRL measurements, and tried to convince myself that everything was just fine. I know the doctor would have brought it up if growth looked off. Worry is part of being a recurrent loss mom and I just need to find a way to sit with it. The greater the length of time between appointments, the harder it becomes to control my anxiety and feel that everything with the baby is okay.

7 week ultrasound- cute little peanut, and that circle is the yolk sac!

The crummy news came that I failed my 1 hour glucose tolerance screen. I did the test at 7 weeks since I had gestational diabetes with Aidia. Gestational diabetes is such a crazy thing that happens! After Aidia was born, I continually had my A1C checked, and I have never been anywhere close to pre-diabetes. Something about being pregnant just turns my pancreas off. It’s especially difficult to do these screening tests in the first trimester. People struggle keeping the glucola drink down at 28 weeks, but combined with morning sickness it is a different beast. 

The failed test meant I needed to do the 3 hour test, which includes: fasting for 12 hours, driving to the hospital, fasting blood draw, drinking the glucola, then getting 3 more blood draws at 1, 2 , and 3 hours. They keep you in the lab in case you get super sick- it’s the worst way to spend a day off. I had a hard time not throwing up on my drive to the hospital from the fasting alone. To my dismay, the glucola had twice as much sugar as the 1 hour test, and I had half as long to drink it. They set a five minute timer and watched me struggle to get it down. I had a sudden flashback of watching Fear Factor. If you throw up at any point, the whole test doesn’t count. At least I got several good sticks in my arms before we had to move on to my hands.

I felt sure I had failed the 3 hour tolerance test, until I was driving away from the hospital and suddenly became so ill I had to pull over. I was shaking, sweating, seeing spots, ears were ringing. I recognized my symptoms as being more in line with hypoglycemia and I was right! My blood sugar was already incredibly low when they drew the last blood test. I didn’t know it at the time, but the fasting must have caught up with me once I processed the sugar. That crash was no joke. Next time, I’ll take protein with me to the hospital to eat before driving away. Since I passed, I don’t have to test again until 28 weeks! Unfortunately, I do have to start with the 3 hour test again at that time, but I’m very happy not to be doing finger sticks up to that point. 

I am really struggling with chronic fatigue. Not just like being sleepy from working nights, but having to sit down and take breaks in between every little task. Part of it I’m sure is just from being in the first trimester. I think part of it is from chronic pain- it’s become obvious to me how much my meds were helping me survive day to day life. When you are always sending (and trying to ignore) pain signals, it really wears you down. 

For example, daylight savings just about killed me (and probably most night shift nurses). 13.5 hours at the hospital and a 40 minute drive each way. By the time I got home in the morning, I stumbled into the house and into immediate sobs. Interrupted only by retching. What an embarrassing sight! The sickness and absolute exhaustion of staying up all night while pregnant feels nearly impossible to muscle through sometimes. I just want to make it out of this first trimester.

It feels harder and harder to be a grown up. Everything gets more complicated. The needs of your children get more complicated. Your career demands more of you. Family, immediate and extended, needs more intricate help. Finances continue to spread thinner. I heard Tom Hanks in an interview the other day, talking about how impossible your mid 30s are and I felt so validated!! He said, "Look, I'm 68 years old, the hardest for us was when we were playing 35. That time where your metabolism stops, gravity starts tearing you down, your bones start wearing off, you stand differently — I think I'm in better shape now. You know why? Because my kids are grown up, I'm getting decent exercise, and I can eat right. You can't do that when you're 35. Life is such a burden!" Thanks, Tom Hanks!

We all know parenting teenagers is really hard- maybe impossible. I feel like I'm doing the splits trying to be a good mom to a teenager (who is probably going to hate me half the time regardless) and growing a brand new baby at the same time. Meanwhile, Aidia has been planning her room and how she would share it with a nursery. I love her sweet ideas and thoughtfulness. She asked for a mini fridge so if the baby wakes up in the night she could "give it milk." It’s so nice that in the midst of life’s chaos, this little growing miracle reminds me daily of what matters most. This week she made a “bib” and a ”hooded towel” out of Kleenex and staples for the baby. Every day I see her excitement and planning and think “I cannot lose this baby. I cannot take this away from her.”

At 8 weeks and 4 days I found baby’s heartbeat on the home doppler! It was quiet but unmistakable. Too soft for the doppler to read the rate but Kevin and I could definitely hear it and the rate was perfect. I don't plan to use the doppler frequently, but just hearing that baby is still alive got me through the wait to my 9 week appointment.

The last thing I need to worry about is being self conscious about my “bump.” Yet. I look like a can of busted biscuits lately. It’s been nearly 7 weeks since I took my positive pregnancy test; everything has just bloated, relaxed, and sagged since then. Carrying around the weight from the fertility meds sure isn’t helping. That Relaxin hormone hits strong. But I always show early. It is what it is. At least maternity pants help give a little support to the belly and help give it shape instead of just looking like chub. I’m in between clothes. My regular pants are too tight and maternity clothes are loose. I don’t even know what to do with my scrubs. I’ve already grown out of a couple bra sizes, which makes me look bigger too. It feels extra difficult to watch all my edges soften since I spent a solid year losing weight. It’s obviously worth it. Once it’s a more obvious baby bump I’ll enjoy it. But for the next few weeks I just want to hide in my closet instead of venturing out.

A day or two before my 9 weeks apt, I stumbled upon the song “Rainbow” by Kasey Musgrave. Emotion just completely overtook me because I allowed myself for a moment to believe and feel that this baby is a rainbow baby. A healthy, wonderful gift. It just still seems so impossible. What are the chances that I pushed for one last chance. For years I said, “let’s make it an even ten” and if the 10th pregnancy wasn’t healthy, I would accept it. And here we are with a healthy, rainbow 10th pregnancy. We have a long way to go. But in the moments I let myself feel the joy and wonder of it, it overwhelms me. 

I went to my OB apt and met my new doctor that was assigned to me as a high risk patient. She was wonderful. The best news of all, I was 9 weeks +1, and the ultrasound measured the baby at 9 +4. The variation was normal and the stress had been for naught! To watch that sweet little bean wiggle around took my breath away. 

We decided to keep me on the very low dose of gabapentin I weaned down to. I signed up to join the North American Antiepileptic Drug Pregnancy Registry. Hopefully this type of research can provide more information for women who come after me and have safety concerns about their essential meds. The researcher in Boston who enrolled me asked my total number of pregnancies for the study. When I told her this was actually my tenth she said, “Oh, yikes.” A few minutes later she was like, I’m really sorry about the “oh yikes.” She’s not wrong.

My doc also helped me make a plan for those heart palpitations I’ve been feeling, and the issues I’ve been having with blood pooling. I’ll get NIPT testing done in a couple days; it will look at baby’s DNA for any conditions we need to flag/ watch. It should also tell us boy or girl! I’ve never done early testing like this, but since I’m a little bit older I feel like it’s a good idea. 

This baby is the “tiebreaker” since we have one son and one daughter. We really can’t go wrong here! Jack will be nearly 14 when the baby is due, so it has been such a long time since we had a baby boy! Also, Jack is the only male in the whole family carrying on the Hanni name right now (seriously), so I know Kevin’s family would be thrilled with another boy. If I had to pick, I think I would choose another girl because I have loved having a daughter so much! With Aidia being nearly 8, she would be over the moon to have a little sister. It would make some things with bedrooms and clothes easier as well. Most people in the family seem to think it’s a boy. Though I lean towards “wanting” a girl, I also am leaning towards guessing it’s a boy! I have had terrible acne that I didn’t have with Aidia, so that’s my scientific reasoning haha. I’ve also had some weird cravings that Kevin remembers me having with Jack (maraschino cherries straight out of the jar). I am so happy with a boy or girl, I just cannot wait to keep seeing a healthy babe grow. That’s all I want. Hopefully by my next post we will know! 

I hate that I’ve fallen into the “pre-shift anxiety” trap that is so common with nurses. I’ve never struggled this much with work. I think in my case though, it has less to do with the job, and more to do with already being stretched to my physical and emotional limits. Nursing is a demanding job and I think I start to shut down because of everything else going on in my life. I’ve been working at this hospital less than 6 months, so it doesn’t feel like home yet. It’s a big adjustment all by itself. How does anyone avoid feeling stressed and overwhelmed-All. Of. The. Time? My body (and general wellbeing) tells me to work less. My finances and career aspirations tell me to work more. I’m having a hard time finding balance. If I can hang in there, I know I have a good future in the NICU. There’s so much education available for NICU RNs, it would take 5 years to complete it all- that’s such a good opportunity. 

My first fever/migraine/sore throat while being pregnant hit. All you can really use is Tylenol and caffeine. Ibuprofen-I miss you most of all! I took you for granted. I felt so terrible while sick I started to truly wonder if I can keep up with my big girl job. One day at a time.

And one day at a time, my constant plea to this little babe is in my heart, “Keep defying the odds!” I’m ten weeks along tomorrow!

I’m so proud of you, little rainbow!