Seems Too Good To Be True (Weeks 10-16)

Weeks 10-11:

I cannot wait for that "second trimester energy" to hopefully show up in a month or so. I have so many projects to work on and I am dog tired all the time. I still struggle to accept that I’m having a baby. It seems too good to be true. Deep down, I wonder if I embrace it, maybe the worst will happen.

I had my blood drawn at 10 weeks for genetic testing and results took about a week to come back. They were emailed to me at about 330am, when I happened to be on my lunch break at work. I was alone in the break room, so I took the quiet moment to review the results.

I was in absolute shock! Not only am I getting the girl I hoped for, she's healthy. No chromosomal problems identified out of those that were tested. Since many newborns I care for at work are affected by these things, it felt even more unlikely! 

I wanted to tell Kevin in a cute way that we are having a girl, so I bought a little pink outfit with flowers and wrapped it up in a present for him to unwrap. He opened it with an excited smile- then I saw a frantic type of look as he asked me, “I’m so sorry, what is it?!” Kevin is color blind and saw the outfit as white, black, and green- and couldn’t figure out what that meant! A surprisingly fun memory. 

The little gender reveal posts I put on social media were met with so much excitement and support from loved ones. I just kept thinking, “Please keep praying for this sweet baby girl everyone, we have a long way to go.”

As you can see in the video, Aidia is beside herself with joy. She told me, “I’ve wanted to be a middle child for so long.” Hahaha. She has also decided that she should be in 7th grade because, “It took me five years to be born.”

I’ve really been struggling with Jack’s mood disorder. Nothing makes me sick to my stomach in quite the same way as his mental health episodes do. There’s no manual for this and I struggle to understand how to respond appropriately. It is deeply distressing. It’s so painful to watch a child struggle. Sometimes it seems the more we try to help, the worse it gets. (And yes, we attend therapy with him, and have for over 7 years). How am I going to help him become independent? How will I ensure he’s safe when he isn’t supervised all the time? To think of being blessed with this brand new little life to nourish sometimes will suddenly terrify me- because how can I also take care of my son? What if I have already failed him? He was doing really when Kevin and I were doing fertility treatments, but has declined since then. That’s the thing with mental health- it ebbs and flows. 

Am I up for all the challenges of parenting a teenager? The idea itself kind of paralyzes me. It’s overwhelming, and I will need to do it with a newborn. Aidia will be solidly in middle childhood. I feel all over the place.

I'm starting to feel those little butterfly flutters of baby’s movements. Thank goodness. I can't wait for them to get stronger. I never want to endure a first trimester and all its anxiety again. The movements are slight and intermittent, but they are there.

Thanksgiving 2024

We started going through the limited baby supplies that we kept in storage. One of my favorites is the woombie, which looks like a little bed that I like to lay the baby on if they are on the floor playing. It’s one of the few things I’ve had since Jack was born (highly recommend!) My cats have never used any kind of cat bed. Ever. Won’t go near one. The second this made an appearance, they won’t sit anywhere else! Gus and Merlin want to assure me that THEY are the babies.

Some tough honesty: every time I come to work I just want to quit. I feel like my heart just isn't in it right now. I just feel too awful all of the time. I know working full time nights is too much on me. I can feel it all the way through my bones. I’m so desperate, and I wish management would allow me to go part time instead of saying stay full time or quit.

I often drive home sobbing. Sometimes I can't see out of one of my eyes from a migraine. I leave my house around 530pm and usually make it home by 820am, and it is an absolute marathon. I hit a breaking point, while trying to safely finish my commute. I was trying not to throw up while driving on the busy freeway and wondered WHAT AM I DOING?! 

Every time I hit the point where I decide I just have to quit, I worry how we would survive without my income. And especially without my insurance! I go round and round with hypotheticals. I think about getting a different job or staying home, but I always seem to encounter some barrier that feels impossible. Deep down I'm terrified that I'm risking my baby to keep working like this. That’s gotta be the PTSD from all the previous losses, but it’s still a very real struggle. 

I’m so sad. I never wanted to leave the NICU. I just don’t know what to do. What’s more stressful? Burning it at both ends during a high risk pregnancy, or financial stress and pressure? I really don't want to give up this job. I worked for years and years to make it here. I’ve split up my shifts through the week as much as possible (trying not to work 3 nights in a row) but even when I’m home for a few days in between shifts, I’m just trying to recover. The pain and fatigue of a flare up lasts for days, and without meds, I feel like I (almost) recover just in time to go back to work. 

Weeks 12-13

I ended up calling the HR department in desperation, wondering if they had any ideas of how I could continue working in my current circumstances. They seemed surprised that my manager wouldn’t let me change to part time (it’s a unit policy, not a company or hospital one). I explained I’m not trying to take leave where I would get paid for hours not worked, I only want to reduce my hours. 

They were very helpful. They explained there was a type of intermittent FMLA that they could file for me under the Pregnant Workers Fairness Act, if a physician filled out paperwork stating I could not be scheduled for more than 24 hours per week. My health struggles come from not being able to manage my chronic conditions with medications due to pregnancy- not necessarily the pregnancy itself. But in the end, pregnancy is the major contributing factor. The nature of the job puts a lot of strain on everyone, with the lack of sleep and long hours. I think it really exacerbates the nerve pain, migraines, and exhaustion. I can’t switch to day shifts because Kevin still leaves for work early in the morning and gets home after dinner time; I wouldn’t have anyone to take kids to school, pick them up, etc.  
HR did mention that if I take this type of leave to reduce my hours, it could impact my maternity leave. I may only qualify for 6 weeks instead of 12. However, I’m already thinking I won’t qualify for paid leave, and I’ll just cross that bridge when I get there. Because this is not sustainable. 

I feel so guilty about all of this. I have a good job, in my chosen field, with good benefits. How many people are struggling through 2 or 3 miserable jobs to make ends meet? I feel too needy. Kevin says I should have married a sugar daddy. 

I’m so happy to be 3 months and getting close to leaving the most dangerous weeks behind. I’ve definitely had moments of panic. I cleaned out the closet all day, nothing crazy, but lots of folding and bending, moving totes and bags. I was 12 weeks + 3 days, and when I finished cleaning I started spotting. First time seeing blood this pregnancy and it was absolutely terrifying. Why does bleeding only ever happen at 5pm on a Friday?! I probably overdid it. After an anxious night, I was thankful that there was no sign of bleeding the next day. There was still a strong heartbeat on the Doppler. 

I’ve been trying not to splurge on any expensive baby stuff. The third time around, I feel like I know what’s an actual need and what is just extra stuff taking up space. That being said, I just had to get a minky blanket for my new little one. I almost went and bought one as an act of faith once we found out we were expecting, but I decided to wait until we knew boy or girl, because this might actually become a special baby blanket. This one felt absolutely perfect! Especially because we know what we are naming her! 

Ivy Laine Hanni. I have loved the name Ivy since I was 17 years old. Unfortunately for me, that name has skyrocketed in popularity in the past ten years, but I remember writing it down as a teenager so I have claim to it! The Greek origin of the name Laine means: ”Shining/Brilliant.” Ivy Laine is sophisticated and feminine, and I like that it hints at wordplay like “ivy lane.” An absolutely gorgeous name for a miracle girl. It took Kevin a few weeks to decide if that’s the middle name he wanted but we decided it suits her better than anything else could.

13 weeks + 1 day

My 13 week check up went well- they didn’t see any residual bleeding. Baby had her hands up by her mouth a lot and was moving around constantly! I was told I might have another anterior placenta which can make it hard to feel some of baby’s movements (I was really hoping that wouldn’t happen, a little reassurance goes so far these days). 

I walked in to that OB appointment armed with the FMLA paperwork from HR for the Pregnant Workers Fairness Act. I tried to quickly explain how and why work was feeling so impossible. Why it was not sustainable. They refused to sign the paperwork, saying “pregnancy is not a disability” and if it was that bad, I might just have to quit. They said my issues sounded more like fibromyalgia management due to being pregnant, not the pregnancy itself (which I agree with). Because of that, they said the office did not want to be responsible for signing the paperwork and hopefully my neurologist or family practice doctor would sign instead if I really needed it. 

I totally understood the OB’s point of view. But being told, “you might just have to quit” was a bit much emotionally. I had to sit in the car and cry for a few minutes. I've been making as many sacrifices as I can but I'm still only human. I do have a limit. But I'm so worried about losing any financial stability. Reducing hours was the only compromise I could think of and it didn’t seem likely.

I had an appointment later with my primary doctor, who has helped me manage fibromyalgia along with my neurologist. I anxiously rehearsed my pitch in the car. It really wasn’t necessary, my doctor understood my dilemma without needing to be convinced and immediately filled out the paperwork. I about collapsed from gratitude. After the initial relief, I felt guilt wash over me. I am trying to be a good employee, and a good nurse. 

Later, when I went back and read the medical notes from my OB appointment, it said I was asking for reduced work hours due to depression!! What?! Did you listen to anything I said? I’ve been working full time nights for years! The reason I’m not surviving full time nights is due to pain and neuropathy/ other complications of fibromyalgia that I cannot manage without meds. Not feeling depressed! It's pain. I wake Kevin up in the night because I shake so bad in my sleep. 

I hope this was a typo or oversight and not really what the doctor thought. If she believed I was depressed, she should have at least screened me. The word was never mentioned.

Weeks 14-15:

Hello second trimester! I am so thrilled to be here! I still can’t believe my “Hail Mary” is working out. I’m so glad I didn’t give up on my deepest dream. It took me a couple years of therapy to decide I was brave enough to take that chance and try one last time. We said whatever will be, will be. I said the tenth baby would be the last. And here I am to witness this amazing moment! I can’t believe it. 

One thing I was looking forward to in the second trimester was my scheduled private ultrasound. Businesses like these can make all the difference to an anxious mom navigating pregnancy after loss. Everything felt worth it when seeing these pictures and videos (and they confirmed she is still a girl!)

14 Weeks

I treasure this little moment! Sucking her thumb at 14 weeks

Sometimes I cry so hard when I get home from work, it feels almost uncontrollable. Like my body is begging me to figure something else out. Don't you understand this economy, body? We’ve found a way to make life work before with less money coming in, but the older the kids get the more expensive they get! Jack eats through my whole fridge every night, like a healthy teenage boy. Aidia starts phase one braces in a couple weeks. I would wait, but she’s missing entire permanent teeth (like the adult teeth just don’t exist under her gums) so we need to start working on her alignment and bite. I’m confident that nothing helpful is happening with student loans in 2025.  Maybe eventually I’ll find a closer job. This commute is adding so much time to my long shifts. 

I’m going to push through as much work as I can, and hopefully manage to save a little money. I really want to stay home for Ivy’s first year, if at all possible. We both deserve that after this long journey. She’s my last baby and I want that time with her, even if it puts us backwards financially.

Once I hit 15 weeks, my HR request was still processing. It had been almost two weeks, which was a lot longer than I was told to expect. I realized it was probably going to be after the holidays before approval went through. HR told me to call out sick once a week to help keep me within the recommended hours, and that they would retroactively forgive the sick calls once leave processed. As a type A personality and general rule follower, it was hard for me to call out for those shifts. It felt like I was breaking rules or slacking off. Eventually, approval came. Management wants me to submit an addendum to allow for education hours. It’s a lot of hoops to jump through, but it’s going to be worth it to be able to continue working. 

Hard to believe my first rainbow baby turned 8 years old!

Aidia’s Baptism

I was thankful to celebrate the holidays this year. I was actually off work for Christmas AND Christmas Eve, which has not happened in years. We had a fun celebration for Aidia’s 8th birthday and her baptism after the start of the new year was a wonderful event. We certainly have lots to look forward to in this new year!

Christmas 2024

I was so thankful to make it to the 4 month mark. Each month carries some relief in it, though I know there’s no true safe point. I wish I could forget that fact. Someone asked me if the pregnancy was going by quickly since I have two kids to care for on top of work…

It's going by SO slowly. Because it's scary nearly every agonizing moment. I just don’t think there is a way to escape that with my history. I am doing my absolute best to enjoy and appreciate this blessing! I know this is the last time and I am trying to soak in every moment. I’m now in my 17th week and am thankful to feel Ivy move around a bit more! Not sure exactly when my next update will be posted on here, but I hope it’s all good news!