In Awe of all the “Normals” (Weeks 17-21)

Week 17:

It’s been so exciting to start gathering baby supplies. I’m always nervous in the back of my mind that something bad could happen before baby could ever use these beautiful things, but I try to envision her enjoying them instead.

I did feel brave enough to buy her “take-home outfit” for the hospital stay and it’s absolutely perfect for a little girl named Ivy.

My 17 week OB appt went quickly and smoothly. While walking out, I nearly bumped into a woman checking into the office. Tears were streaming down her face and she was stifling sobs. My heart just broke in two. I don't know what brought her to the office or what's causing her distress, but I have been that woman so many times. I quickly hid my own belly with my coat as I walked past. Life can be so unfair. I'm lucky to be in a season where my OB appointment brings joyful news and peace, and not living through those moments when 7 pregnancies ended in devastating loss. To those still in that waiting period and those suffering, I have not forgotten you and I'm so sorry for your pain.

Work continues to be somewhat of a struggle, but it is much more manageable now that I’ve reduced my hours. I’m so relieved we were able to work out the FMLA with HR because otherwise I probably would have had to quit. Aidia gets so sad lately when I go to work. Even though I’ve scheduled myself in a way that really minimizes any time she has a babysitter instead of mom or dad. I just can’t stand to see her sad. She has it better than lots of other kids her age who have working parents but it is tough to watch! Aidia told me, “I can’t wait for Ivy to be born because then you’ll stay home and not work all night.” I think of all the parents out there struggling- it’s just not the kind of world where a family can survive on one income anymore and I know there’s a lot of heartache and struggle because of that. I hope I find a way to take a big stretch of time off work to stay home with my new babe. 

My ultrasound at 17 weeks was one of my favorites. I was able to see such a good profile of this little girl!

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Sucking her thumb

Perhaps my favorite part was this amazing clip that shows her practicing swallowing in the womb. I knew babies did this but I had never seen it on an ultrasound! Amazing how fast we become proud of our children. She is doing everything she’s supposed to! The relief is hard to explain as I watch her develop exactly as she should. And look at those little lips go!

Week 18:

I’m so excited that I was able to start symphony again (part time). It’s always a commitment, but it’s good for the soul! We are playing a Disney concert this Spring at Abravanel Hall. Finding a work/life balance is hard, even without hobbies, but the mental health benefits are immense. 

I’m not planning on buying a bunch of clothes, but here’s the little haul I bought for the newborn stage. I know this stage won’t last long, so we don’t need much! The clothes are so soft and tiny and perfect. I love to hold them close and imagine her in my arms. It’s the earliest stage of nesting, but I’m thankful we have the halfway mark in view. We weren’t sure we would ever be here again! I’m so reassured that baby’s kicks are getting stronger; a wave of relief washes over me every single time.

Though work is getting better, I had the sinking realization that I can't leave work before delivery because I would lose my insurance. Even though we’re planning to try and switch to Kevin's insurance, the deductible would start over (and all my prenatal care is billing to my current insurance.) So this year’s medical bills (and delivery) would cost like twice as much. I hope I'm tough enough to stay until I can take a maternity leave. Paid or unpaid. To be honest though, I don't know how we can afford insurance through Kevin's work. We were last quoted an additional $1300 for the monthly premium to add myself and 3 kids. It is exponentially more. America- it feels like you hate moms sometimes 😩 I’m going to keep working on other possibilities. 

Week 19:

I’ve started to have some pretty bad panic attacks again. Amazingly, they aren’t related to worry about the baby, but they are intense and hard to come out of sans medication. I’ve tried all the techniques I learned in therapy, but it gets to the point where it feels involuntary. It compounds on itself because the harder it is to breathe and take in air, the more scared I am that I'm not getting enough oxygen to the baby (which increases the panic.) 

The panic attacks just affirm to me that it is the right choice for this pregnancy to be our last. I've been scared to move forward with scheduling a vasectomy for Kevin until we're further along. Even though I know, that even if something tragic happened, I think we would still be done. We planned to be done even if I had miscarried in the beginning. It still feels scary though.

5 Months:

HALFWAY POINT!

It sounds so morbid, but I think those who have been through recurrent loss will understand. It’s such a relief to make it to 20 weeks because we’ve passed the point of being able to have a “miscarriage.” If a tragedy occurred now, it would be a stillbirth. I’m thankful that I’m past the point of the ER and would go to L&D if problems started. 

There were so many times with my losses that I wished I could at least hold my baby and meet them, have a funeral, and have the loss recognized. I felt like people would understand my pain more if that had happened. It is a morbid milestone but truly, this is a happy thing for me and it brings relief to cross this threshold. Studies have shown that whether a mom loses a baby in the first trimester or in the third, the grief response is very similar. I am not trying to compare pain or pretend I’ve been through something I haven’t- I’ve seen parents lose newborns in the NICU and I would never want to say my experience was the same as theirs. 

All that being said, it finally feels like my new tiny daughter is far enough along to be recognized as her own little person. We’re only a few weeks away from viability. Now that I’ve seen what is actually entailed in keeping a 23 or 24 weeker alive, it’s the last thing I would ever want my baby to go through. However, it is amazing that those kids can often pull through and have the quality of life they do, even with the long term complications. I’m glad to be a part of the team that tries to give those babies every possible chance. It will be a relief to know once we hit that magic viability point, there would at least be attempts to save her life if something happened.

The last of the super soft PJs came and look what the color is named!

Ivy had her big head-to-toe anatomy scan at the MFM, and they couldn’t find a single problem. I could stare at all those “normals” listed all day long, but I don’t stop being in awe by it. 

Seeing Ivy healthy has made all the difficulty and jumping through hoops worth it. All the pain and expense of medical procedures seems nearly forgotten. The stress has been immense but it is all paying off.

I'm feeling her rolls, turns, and somersaults more now. It’s wonderfully reassuring. I do have an anterior placenta again, so it was been harder to feel kicks earlier on.

Since I had gestational diabetes with Aidia, I’ve been very aware of my carb intake during this pregnancy. I’ve been trying to eat protein over carbs and avoid certain foods with a high glycemic index. I’ve been cooking more than I have in years- trying to bring some balance, protein, and veggies to our meals. Despite my intentions, I found out I’ve gained 20 pounds in the first half of this pregnancy. I should have gained about 10 by this point. It’s very discouraging!  I only gained 8 pounds total with Aidia. With Jack I gained about 35, slow and steady through the whole pregnancy. Though my family is thankful for all the home cooked meals, I’m worried I have some insulin resistance going on. They will test me again for gestational diabetes somewhere between 26-28 weeks. I will be surprised if I pass. I dread those 4x a day finger sticks. Especially working as a nurse, putting on sanitizer 5000 times a day. If I have to have sore fingers for 3 months, it will be worth it for a healthy babe, but it sure is crummy. I hope the weight gain slows down. My iron and thyroid will be tested again around the same time as the diabetes screen. I chew ice all day most days so here’s to hoping I’m not anemic as well!

Week 21:

Woah, Braxton Hicks contractions already? While my OB said this “could” be normal with a third child, that I should rest, hydrate, and change positions when they start. She said to call if I’m getting them every ten minutes or if they get increasingly painful. I couldn’t believe how many I was getting and it really scared me. Usually if I took a warm bath I could get them to stop. Putting my feet up for a little bit also seemed to help. This contradicts her advice to get more exercise to help with the weight gain, because if I so much as climb the stairs too quickly they seem to start up again. I need to keep this baby in for 4 more months! I’m sure they will just be uncomfortable but won’t actually cause any changes. Just one more thing to keep me anxious- I’m going to up my magnesium. 

My OB said we will plan on an induction at 39 weeks. I’m all for other people waiting to go into labor naturally, but for myself, I’m terrified of a stillbirth the longer I go. In my immediate family there is a history of two full term little girls who passed away right before birth. This family member and I have lots of health conditions/history in common, so it’s very difficult for me to not assume my risk is extremely high. I hit 39 weeks on my sister’s birthday, so right now I’m counting down to 39 weeks +1 (the time I was induced with Aidia). I’m sure I won’t know the exact schedule until the week of. 

We updated the wall where we’ve had the kids’ baby pictures hanging the last several years. I love seeing three frames where the two previously were! It’s going to be wonderful to update the ultrasound picture to a newborn photo. Every time I walk up the stairs, I feel thankful that we can complete our family on the terms we always hoped for. 

I’m anxiously excited to keep progressing in this pregnancy. Sometimes I feel crazy, but Kevin validated me when he said he also feels impatient and nervous. He wants everything to be finished and everyone to be healthy. I’m handling the anxiety mostly okay. Sometimes a random trigger will pop up at work. The other night, I was helping a new mom learn to breastfeed and it made me so excited to have my own new baby again. I think that excitement is what triggers the anxiety that something might go wrong and then I get nervous. 

Now that I’m in my 22nd week, Ivy is about 11 inches long and likely weighs just over a pound. We have some difficult challenges at home that we are navigating right now, but fortunately none of them have to do with this sweet babe. She is a light in my life when things start to feel dark. I’m so thankful she is healthy and growing.