5 week update

Wow this week has been full of ups and downs.  The only thing that matters however- I'm still pregnant!  No red flags or sign of any problems yet, and we are so thankful and humbled!  Our past few pregnancies we have had reason to worry or be concerned by this point.  We are feeling all of your prayers and seeing God's hand.  I'm also starting to feel more sick in the mornings! Hooray! Haha.

Baby is the size of a sesame seed.  Their brain is developing from the neural tube and at the end of this week their heart should start to beat!  That will be a huge victory for us.

Illustration of 5 weeks gestation.  Isn't it strange to think we all started out like this? 

The concerning part of my week started last Friday, when I seemed to have some sort of weird allergic reaction to my Lovenox injection.  Horrible itchy burning hives everywhere- and the shots were feeling more painful than ever.

It was scary because I'm always concerned the medicine I'm taking may be harming instead of helping the baby.  I didn't want any weird antibodies floating around from some type of a reaction.  The next day the doctor wanted to make sure I wasn't showing any sign of Heparin Induced Thrombocytopenia so they just took a CBC to check everything in my blood.  They took my beta (hCG levels) too.  It was two days earlier than I had anticipated checking them so I was a nervous wreck.  According to normal growth rates, the hCG that day should have been at LEAST around 300.  I had never seen one of my pregnancies get past the rate of 200 before the growth slowed.  So I just couldn't imagine seeing any other number.  It seemed unrealistic.  As much as I tried to stay positive I felt very "doom and gloom" waiting for that number to come back around 160 instead of at least 300.  Then when it came back-  845.

845!  The highest number I had ever seen!!  The relief washed over me. Not only was the growth fantastic, but this baby is already set apart from all the others (aside from Jack.)  Something is working.  I feel like it has a lot to do with the DNA quality.  That's just what makes sense to me.  Keep growing baby!

Yesterday was my MFM (maternal fetal medicine) appointment.  The plan was for me to meet THE expert in Lovenox in pregnancy to bring him on to my case.  It was by far the most difficult and emotional part of my week.  It was an emotional place to be anyway- a women's center in a hospital.  It felt so weird to fill out those forms and realize I've been pregnant every year since 2011- at least for a couple weeks during each year. I told myself 8th time's a charm for baby #2!

Specialists have a reputation for being harsh and having abrasive personalities.  Having experienced this before, I was a bit nervous going into the consult.  At first, I liked him because he was so hard core science.  He didn't talk down to me and actually made the conversation pretty casual (swear words and all haha) so I was thinking we would click together well.  He did think we would have successful pregnancies someday, but then his words got a little rough.  He asked if I had accepted the fact that we would have more losses than live births, now and in the future (obviously, I'm already 6 for 1.)  Then he went on a rant saying, "This will NEVER be as easy for you as your friends, your neighbors, the girl down the street..." blah blah blah.  It felt like he was just trying to make me cry.  I already know this fact there is no reason to be so harsh about it.  He said he understood that I'd lost so many and it was probably "pissing me off."  I just felt like my actual emotions were a joke to him.

He started talking about how he was determined to get some viable tissue for testing from this fetus (you know, if I actually lose it) and I was thinking "Slow down why are we talking about this!  Nothing is wrong yet!"  He reminded me there are exactly ZERO treatments approved by the FDA for treatment of recurrent miscarriage.  I already know the evidence isn't strong so I said "Yeah, I know these are best guesses."  He responded with "I couldn't even call them that- maybe just guesses with no proof."  I tried to prove my point that with the better DNA quality being a reason this baby is growing better.  He said it was "interesting" at best but there were no real studies behind it.  I tried to cite the Reproductive Urologist and what we had learned with actual scientific tests but he just laughed "They don't actually know that."  As if we had been lied to.  I started to feel angry like he was just kicking me while I was down, trying to shred my last bit of hope.  As far as the medications, which is why I came for his opinion, he seemed like he could care less.  He said I could take all of it or none of it and it wouldn't make a difference.  That I couldn't get fixated on the problem being ONE thing because it "never is."  (Except as soon as Kevin has surgery suddenly we're having success while I'm treating all my issues?)  He was from the Old School and basically said no one else knew what they were talking about.  He said I had an obvious medical issue (duh) but that people "make a bigger deal out of MTHFR and thyroid disease than there needs to be."  Because people have those things and have babies all the time.  Maybe that's true, but I DON'T.  Which is why I was there!  He didn't buy the idea of my Deplin prescription for converted folate (which surprised me because I've read the clinical evidence behind it).  I wanted to say, "Excuse me Sir, do you have thyroid disease?"  Maybe if he did, he would realize it is a big deal- to feel exhausted.  To be in your 20s and feel like you're in your 70s.

I get that he's all about hard evidence- and there just isn't much of that in the case of recurrent miscarriage.  But I really felt like I was debating at a medical convention instead of at a consult.  I have a whole new love and appreciation for my wonderful fertility clinic.  My "proof" was totally ignored by the MFM and I left sobbing.  I felt like my baby no longer had a chance- that I had been fooling myself and we would never know why.  I reminded myself that I'm also a spiritual person and I have to do what I feel is right.  I'm this baby's mommy.  I will have intuition that a callous doctor (who even teases doctors in other specialties) will never have.

I walked down to the outpatient lab to get my blood drawn and have my last beta and all my confidence was shattered.  The girl behind me in line was laughing the whole time about how she's pregnant with her 4th and didn't even know until 21 weeks.  She took birth control and hard core exercised the whole time and the baby is still fine.  She laughed, "isn't that the funniest thing you've ever heard, the things we don't even notice!"  I felt so much injustice and despair that she could do nothing, or even everything wrong and get a 4th healthy baby- and no matter what I do, it just isn't working like that.

The office scheduled me for an ultrasound to find baby's heartbeat next week- pending my hCG results.  I made the appointment heavy hearted, thinking they would cancel it when my numbers came back poor.  They made it for next Thursday, which on my calendar is listed as "The National Day of Prayer."  So, perfect.

I decided if the numbers were good, I would finish the last 7 injections I have and then switch back to only aspirin (thank heavens) since I still have no clinical indication for Lovenox.  I've never had a blood clot.  The doctor said that was fine.  Why did I even see him if I just decided what to do with no advice anyway??  In four studies, Lovenox never reduced miscarriage rates (only clots in at-risk moms) so I feel ok about it.  I only did aspirin with Jack.

Waiting hours for those hCG results was painful and included lots of crying.  I just let that doctor get in my head.  We wanted to see numbers at least between 1800-2000 (which again seemed impossible since it's ten times higher than what we've ever seen.)

They came back, 3517!!!! I about hit the floor.  Miracles are happening.  This baby is healthy thus far.

Isn't this the most beautiful graph you've ever seen?!

 So, with these numbers I don't have to do any more beta tests!  Oh they are just the worst!  So I'll have one ultrasound with the MFM next week to check for a heartbeat (he's the only one the insurance will cover this early.)  If the heartbeat is good and baby looks viable, I'll have my 8 week ultrasound with my regular OB.  The joy of being able to go to a regular OB office after all these years would be indescribable!!

Your prayers are felt and we are so thankful to all of you for your love and concern!  We're praying for this baby's heart to develop properly and that we'll be able to see it fluttering away beautifully next week!

We haven't told Jack Jack yet, even though he knows we've lost others. I'm afraid a loss in present tense would break his heart.  But if we see that heartbeat, we are planning on telling him that he's going to be a big brother next week! I've been waiting for this moment for so long!!

4 week update

I have been astounded with how many of you have reached out to us!  It is such an amazing feeling to know that hundreds of people are praying for you- family, friends, and friends of friends.  This has been such a humbling experience to see so many people with empathy reach out in love and concern every single day.  I have been checked on day and night and have been offered every comfort.  There are so many amazing people in my life- how have I been so blessed?  I know that God shows us His hand and His work through difficult times and one miracle I have seen so far is to know that people literally all around the world, are praying for my baby.  As my best friend said, "Your baby is already the most loved being on the entire planet."  I have felt that even so early in this pregnancy, this baby has brought so many together in faith.  What an amazing experience to be a mother to a baby like this.

perfect gift from my sister

We have made it to the four week mark- which is obviously still very early (baby is the size of a poppy seed) but we celebrate every milestone around here!  The good news is we have passed the chemical pregnancy phase- which is basically when you find out you're pregnant before you miss your period, but then get your period anyway because something went wrong in the very beginning.

I can only hope that next week I have a happy 5 week update.  The next two weeks are the most terrifying for me.  All of my losses have been before the official 6 week mark.  Some, only a day or two before six weeks, others I lost between week 4 and 5.  So, naturally, I feel like I am walking on eggshells all the time this week and most likely over analyze every symptom.  I have had symptoms that at times are really strong, and other times they are totally absent. I know this is normal so early, but it is always nerve racking.  I am afraid every time I start to get back pain, because most of my losses began with extreme lower back pain.  But I have chronic back issues anyway, so I'm trying to ignore it when it happens.  Every time I use the bathroom I'm afraid to see blood or spotting.  That kind of anxiety isn't easy but I'm getting through it easier than in past pregnancies. I can feel your prayers!

The best news is that, thus far, tracking baby's growth with hormones in my blood have shown very good results.  We wanted growth to double between Saturday and Monday, but the growth went up five times the amount!  It was very reassuring, but other babies of ours have started the same way, so really this upcoming week is the most critical one.  I'm trying to tell myself that every baby starts out the same, so I can't expect too much too soon.  We've made the difficult choice to not continue monitoring the blood through this week because of how stressful it is to pour over numbers every other day, when even little variations can make us feel like hope is lost.  I feel like in a week's time, testing the numbers will give us the most accurate result of where we are at.  But it is very hard to wait.  Part of me thinks if we just tested every other day and the results were fantastic, I would be more at peace.  That's a hard choice to make, but Kevin is very opposed to continuing the draws so that helped me with the decision.  I'm just counting on symptoms to reassure me through this week.

The only "bad news" from this week is to find that my thyroid dipped down low really fast.  Since I have an autoimmune thyroid disease, that is likely to happen anyway, but especially in pregnancy.  It's scary because if the thyroid gets too low, it can risk the baby.  I've already started a higher dose of medication and I'm trying to put it in God's hands.  The injections have been hard to do- they are really painful for me and always make me emotional.  I dread it every night.  Some of those raw, angry feelings come out, like why do I have to do this every night?!  Mostly because they are a precaution and we don't know if they are actually helping anything- but it's too risky to not do them.  I'll stop complaining if baby keeps growing :)  Sometimes I'm even worried that the injections are doing harm if they aren't really necessary.  I'm sure when we are finished having kids they will have this medication in a pill form. ;)

Thank you all for the texts and messages and the "just checking in" sentiments.  Just to know that my baby and I are in the thoughts and prayers of so many is very comforting to me.  I love you all so much.  Keep praying!  I'm hoping to post again with good news in a week!

Christmas Baby

Our very own Christmas miracle is in the making!  I see absolutely no point in keeping it a secret until later.

We have a baby due December 28th of this year.  It's still sinking in.  I'm only in my third week of pregnancy (they have me test early) and I had it confirmed with blood work yesterday.  It's always scary this early- but this is part of the journey so I'm writing about it despite the risks.

How am I feeling?  I'm overjoyed.  I'm terrified.  I'm hopeful.  I'm desperate.  I'm doubting.  All of the feelings.  I'm living in constant suspense.  But- I have the best friends and family members.  I have been met with nothing but optimism, support, love, and prayers.  How could I ask for more?

Everything looks good so far in the blood work- it's so early that everything is just barely getting started, but since numbers and hormones are where they should be at this point, I'm happy.  I just don't want that to change!  If we can get through the next couple of weeks and see a strong heartbeat I know I will breathe easier.

I have so much more hope for this baby than I have had in a long time because Kevin's DNA results were so promising.  But there's only so much I can do to keep all those old feelings from flooding back from my last 6 pregnancies.  It's just the way I expect things to go.  I hardly remember the start of my pregnancy with Jack compared with all the interventions from the start of my others.  I was in line at the grocery store, and the woman ahead of me looked to be 7 or 8 months pregnant.  And I felt like my pregnancy wasn't as real as hers.  Like it didn't count the same.  In moments like that, defeat and sorrow suddenly overtake me.  I take a deep breath and try to push it away.  I say to myself, "You and me baby.  We got this."  I keep telling the baby that so they know to keep growing. Set the bar high early ;)

I'm trying not to be too hard on myself- it's going to feel how it's going to feel.  I can only do the best I can.  This is not something that anyone can do alone.  I have been praying nonstop- and I'm trying to not make my prayers just sound like begging.

It wouldn't just be our miracle- it would be our whole family's.  And our friends.  Anyone who has thought about us, prayed for us, read my blog.  It would be a way that God can manifest his miracles to everyone who follows our story.  But it would also be my miracle.  To be a mother to a rainbow baby and to be able to look at their eyes every day and KNOW that God loves me and gave me the greatest gift and desire of my heart.

I hope I don't embarrass my friends but I just have to say- the people in my life are so comforting and know just what to say.  I'm so uplifted and inspired by my friends.  I have to record some of the lovely things I've been told- they are so comforting to me in times of doubt.

One friend told me, "...You have fought harder for your children than anyone I know to have your children here.  They have seen that their mom is their biggest fighter and advocate and I imagine they are quite anxious to be with you.  A lot of people would have given up by now but you have done literally everything to give your kids a chance.  Your kids on the other side have no doubt in their minds that their mom loves them, wants them, and will do everything for them."

Another friend was sharing how when she got pregnant after a loss, she felt the adversary working to make her feel like there was not a person inside of her- to keep her from feeling happy and in love with the child.  Then she said, "But God gave me this child to carry for now, and as long as it was mine I needed to love it and care for it...I was keeping myself from being happy...I will pray for you and Kevin to be happy no matter how long God has given you this treasure to hold!"

Also my brother gave me a beautiful priesthood blessing, which helps me keep everything in perspective and reminded me how much my Heavenly Father loves me and is proud of my perseverance.

I could not ask for a better support system.

These next few weeks are terrifying- but I'm trying my best to let faith conquer fear.  Thank you for your love and prayers and astounding optimism for us.

"takin' shots"

hahaha I captured Kevin's actual reaction before he put the shot in my belly- he didn't know I was taking a pic. Haha!!

Prayers for a "sticky bean" as they call it in the infertility world

Happy Tears

Crying. For three and a half years I have been crying. At the shock of my first loss. The devastation of my second. The crushing hopelessness of my third. The depressing never-ending months when I forced myself to wait to try again. The bitter sorrow of my fourth loss. The year following it, in which I tried to distract myself in any way possible-but often lost the battle to sudden and intense outbursts. I cried as my confidence was snatched away as we had our fifth loss, when we had felt SO sure we had found our cure. The pregnancy after that was somewhat unexpected and so we thought it a MUST be our miracle. That hope fell flat with our sixth loss. Our hearts were ripped out and shredded right in front of us, leaving us wondering what do we do with what remains.  What could we possibly do? And so I cried.

For another year I kept my collective sorrow and grief tucked away, just slightly behind my eyes, ready to burst out and make a scene in public at the worst possible moments. So many times in this journey I have been brought to tears.  The injections I was too afraid to administer at home. Every time I thought, "I'm not cut out for this." I cried on the way to every appointment with every specialist, and usually on the way home too. At the bills that came and costs of treatments that didn't work.  At every baby shower invitation. In my car- trying to get the guts to walk up the stairs to my first grief counseling session. Waiting in agony after every blood draw to see how my baby was growing. Every due date that passed with empty arms. Every time my son asks for a baby brother to play astronauts with. I've begged, I've been angry, I've felt slowly crushed to death by depression, and suffocated with anxiety. And I've cried. And cried and cried and cried.  

Today, once again, I am crying. But for the first time in so long, I am feeling the tears of joy run down my face. What a welcome difference, what sweet relief. Tears of joy. 

Kevin's final post-surgical results are in. The DNA he is carrying is normal. Normal. The most beautiful word I've ever heard. I know my tears will continue to fall in abundance. But I pray and I hope with more than I am, that they will continue to be tears of joy. Because I just can't give up.  

I don't know how to thank God enough.  This surgery very easily could have changed nothing.  Honestly even the fertility clinic wasn't even sure what to make of all this.  We have been so blessed.  

I feel heard.  I feel loved.  All I have to do is look at the differences in these three results to see God's hand.  It is a miracle.

 

2/18/15

12/17/15

3/18/16


Or in other words, this year has brought us these results:
.

Ten Months Later...

Three Months After That...

HOORAY FOR NORMAL!!

Countdown to Our Rainbow

What a beautiful thought- our very own rainbow baby.




For those of you unfamiliar with the term, I'll let the wonderful all-knowing internet define it for you:

A “rainbow baby” is a baby that is born following a miscarriage, stillbirth, neonatal death or infant loss. In the real world, a beautiful and bright rainbow follows a storm and gives hope of things getting better. The rainbow is more appreciated having just experienced the storm in comparison.

Next week, we should receive the results of Kevin's final post-op ASR. Those results will tell us if the amount of fragmented DNA he carries has improved again into the "normal" range or if he has continued to stay in that "borderline" category. Still, the borderline area is a great place to be considering how far abnormal he was last year. Basically, our chances are either going to be good, or better. That is welcome news! Which means, either way, it's time to try again. It has been a long, drawn out year, full of waiting of every kind since our 6th loss.

For the first time in a long time, we have real hope that we've fixed the major cause of all our losses. It might just be that our doctors were so focused on all of my contributing risk factors, that we missed the actual cause all along. Still, I'm grateful for the journey because we now are able to treat all of my risk factors too.

Real hope is a beautiful, uplifting, exciting, and terrifying thing. That joy we're starting to feel just imagining a light at the end of this tunnel is deathly afraid of reality creeping in the corner- reminding us of our "statistical chances." Fortunately and unfortunately, it is completely out of our hands and we get to turn it over to God and hope He chooses to bless our best efforts. We have given our all every step of this journey. And more. I have given more than I even knew I had in me.



I love my support groups because I can post something like this and drown in the support and love given back immediately.

Ovulation should be in about three weeks. I'm so impatient and also so scared for it to actually happen. Sorry if any of that is TMI- but fertility blogs tend to have a lot of that! Conceiving becomes so clinical sometimes it's easy to forget it makes people uncomfortable! Haha!

I can take all of these medications faithfully and do everything right- but I know I have no actual control of the end result. I’ve learned the key is just accepting it, and doing your best in spite of that fact.

What a roller coaster of emotions I have been experiencing this month! I'm no longer taking any medications for sleep, anxiety, or depression. Since my anxiety has been mounting it has been difficult to even get out of bed most days. I'm without that help my body has been used to. But I'm finding the strength to do it. I actually thought I was going crazy because I've been feeling these horrible "electrical surges" going through my head all day every day. I didn't even know how to look it up or if I needed to ask a doctor about it. Turns out it's a real thing. Brain zaps. Yep. Side effect of quitting the meds. That's been fun. I keep telling myself they won't last much longer. The nausea and aches were unbearable the first week but they have finally started to subside.

Hooray I'm not crazy!

I wish I could explain the immense amount of stress that comes just thinking of going through a pregnancy again. But I also know I am not ready to give up and I have to fight through that fear. The best analogy I can explain it with is imagining your child is in the PICU after an accident- and you're forced to wait for weeks- not knowing if they will live or die. Even though it’s NOT the same, this is the closest I can come to describing the feeling as a mother, carrying life, and not knowing if they will survive. It is all consuming all the time, no matter how much you try to talk yourself out of it. So when I’ve been told not to stress, because it hurts the baby, it just makes me feel guilty, because not feeling stress in that situation is actually impossible. But I do my best.

I've been working really hard to keep my "triggers" under control, and to breathe through them when they happen. Just for funsies I looked up birth rates per capita and wouldn't you know it, Provo has the HIGHEST birth rate in the entire country. Hahahahah. Of course it does. It didn't surprise me at all. The irony is fantastic. The birth rate is obviously explained with the huge concentration of a Mormon population in the area. The church has a huge focus on families, and large families have always been a part of Mormon culture. It's not something I'm ashamed of- it's something I love. I love when I'm surrounded by big families. Since I'm from a blended family, I'm one of ten kids, and there is nothing better. It's just a tradition I wish I could be a part of. When Kevin and I got married we imagined six kids, and at LEAST four. It's no surprise that life doesn't go as planned- but Provo is a hard place to live if you are dealing with recurrent loss. Reminders are literally everywhere as the community tailors to the needs of so many mothers with young children. Again, not a bad thing. Just a hard thing to escape when I need to.

I felt God's love and comfort when I found this song:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jQJX4QWO74I

This fitting tribute reminded me that even if this next little one doesn’t make it- that God holds them in a perfect place. They are in His hands- we are all in His hands. He will carry us through this.

Once we are pregnant- I know my whole job will be keeping baby alive, whatever it takes. So I'll have to cut myself some slack in all other areas of my life. My next baby deserves to be loved and celebrated, no matter how long I get to keep them. Perhaps even more so because we don’t know how much time we’ll have together. Our hearts are broken and humble, and our fingers are crossed. I hope that within a couple months I'll be sharing the news that a rainbow is on the way to our family.

He Can Make My Burden Light

14 And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions.

15 And now it came to pass that the burdens which were laid upon Alma and his brethren were made light; yea, the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord.
-Mosiah 24:14-15

Every day is a struggle.  Every day is a fight.  Every day I try to win this exhausting, drawn out, cruel and ugly battle that confronts me.  But the point is- I'm trying.  I'm still fighting.  I haven't given up- and that means I am winning.  I struggle daily with sadness and crying, depression, anxiety, panic attacks, feelings of despair, loneliness or a combination of any of them.  Sometimes I feel an overwhelming sense of failure.  Sometimes I feel abandoned and wonder if God has forgotten me, or if I've done something (or not done enough) to deserve this.  In the same breath, I disgust myself if I complain.  I have a good life.  I have so many wonderful blessings and so many reasons to be happy every day.  All I need to do is watch the news, then I wonder how I've ever felt sorry for myself.  I'm very fortunate- even in the infertility world specifically, I have been very lucky.  I chalk it up to exhaustion and wonder if it's just my thyroid acting up again.  However, I can't shake the feeling that it may be something more that's troubling me. I did some reading in Psychology Today and was struck by some of the information I found:

One of the less recognized forms of PTSD results from the trauma of having a miscarriage. While a period of grieving and sadness is to be expected after losing an unborn child, it's important to recognize when normal grieving ends and clinical PTSD begins.

By far the most common PTSD symptoms that result from miscarriage are depression and anxiety. Other symptoms may include fatigue, sleep difficulties, lack of concentration, loss of appetite, and frequent episodes of crying.

This article mentions one miscarriage, singular.  It's no wonder my counselor told me, "There's no way you don't have PTSD."  After six.  Add regular grief to that and I actually feel relieved that I'm still functioning somehow.  The struggle now, is that it's been a year since our last lost, and we're only about a month away from trying again (with hope that the surgery worked) thus, I have to go off my medicine that treats any anxiety/depression/PTSD symptoms.  So it's no wonder that as I take less medicine and am exposed to more stressful events and plans that I feel out of control sometimes. 

Psychology today also says:

 "Current research has shown that the stress levels of women with infertility are equivalent to women with cancer, AIDS or heart disease, so there is no question about infertility resulting in enormous stress." 

Now, I am in no way comparing myself to someone with cancer- I can't pretend to know anything about how that feels.  But I thought the comparison can help explain how all-consuming infertility or recurrent loss can be.  I brought this fact up in a support group of mine and another woman said, "I've had cancer. This to me is worse. At least I knew the cancer would be over at some point."

I feel guilty even writing about these feelings in my blog.  I don't want to be a pessimist.  I don't want to be miserable all the time. I don't bask in the melancholy and try to feed off sympathy. I keep writing because there are only so many vices available that aren't self destructive. So I turn to writing. On my worst days, most of my support group will kindly suggest a cocktail and I don't even drink. So I write.  It's not easy, but I know any self-destructive behavior in the end will make everything worse.

I hate feeling despondent, like I'm out of touch with my old self.  I wish I could stop thinking about it for a little bit, take a break, move on, whatever. But the heart just doesn't work that way. My doctor wanted me to continue with counseling because he said the less medicine I take the more support I'm going to need.  Especially as I am nearing a new pregnancy (hopefully.)  I haven't been able to work it out with my new insurance yet.  Luckily for me I have an amazing support system in place at home, and with my extended family and friends.  One of my very good friends told me, "You think you're broken because of how you feel, but you're allowed to feel however you want, and the feelings are going to be what they are. You can't change all of them, or wish them away, or fool yourself for more than a minute. And if people don't understand that, you don't have to justify yourself."  That is real advice from a real friend.  Thank you. 

We're hopefully a month away from a new life and my heart is already breaking.  I feel like I'm already having another loss.  I can't help it-our minds learn from experience.  That's the science.  SO far my odds have been 1 live birth out of 7 pregnancies.  How could I feel any other way?  I've been told, "Hope for the best but prepare for the worst."  Has anyone ever had real hope for the best AND prepared for the worst? It's actually impossible. Only one of those feelings can exist in your mind at a time.  Swinging back and forth is the most emotional roller coaster you can experience.
Elder Holland's talk "Like a Broken Vessel" has brought me so much peace.  It is so reassuring to see someone I admire a great deal talk about struggles with depression.  He explains it in a way that gives me hope, but also reminds me that "It's ok.  It's ok that you feel like this- keep going.  Keep trying."  If you'd like to read or watch this talk, I highly reccomend it: 

 https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2013/10/like-a-broken-vessel?lang=eng

When I start feeling guilty due to my difficulties I like to remember the words of Elder Uchtdorf, 

"God is not waiting to love you until you have overcome your weaknesses and bad habits.  He loves you today with a full understanding of your struggles."

Some days are happy and go by just fine. Many days are even enjoyable. Then suddenly it's like I've endured it for too long and I just don't feel strong enough. I'm literally at my breaking point at a moment's notice. I know I catch Kevin off guard when I'm suddenly sobbing out of nowhere. I hope God really understands what I can handle. At this point I feel like the rest of my life is going to hurt like this and I've started to blame it on myself. Guilt. Like it sounds ridiculous- but basically thinking things like, "I haven't read my scriptures enough lately, now the next baby is probably going to die." I know how that sounds- but it's the only way to put that "feeling" into words. My brain knows better than that- but my soul aches and looks for reasons, and I blame myself.

I was spoiled for quite a few years- it's like I got all my good things right in a row. I married Kevin within a year of meeting him and Jack was born less than a year later. I graduated with my Bachelor's degree ten months after that. Life was going as perfect as life can go. We decided to try for baby #2 when Jack was 12 months old. That feeling and desire for another baby was so sudden and strong that I had no doubt it was the right time. I was so happy and so excited. That was in the fall of 2012. Since that time, I got sick- my thyroid crashed. I gained weight, I got depressed, and started having panic attacks. I lost six pregnancies along the way. All my symptoms seemed to get worse with each consecutive loss. I just want to start heading back uphill emotionally. I would like to be stable instead of hanging on for dear life the majority of the time. I feel like I've lost touch with that person I used to be. I know I am a stronger person now. I would like the stronger me to meet the happier me. Together we would be unstoppable.

The worst turmoil is waking up feeling defeated and so overwhelmed. First thing in the morning- before a single thing has happened. You feel a literal weight pressing on your chest and think, "I literally can't get out of bed today. Please ground swallow me up so I don't have to feel this sense of dread about just existing today. I want to go back to sleep to escape these feelings I can't deal with." Those thoughts are immediately met by overpowering guilt. "You are making excuses for being lazy, it's not "being kind to yourself" or "giving yourself a break" it's avoiding your responsibilities."

I feel ashamed and disappointed in myself. I know better. I pray to be released from it, but don't know what the appropriate action is. Is it better to face the day and risk a total meltdown? Or regroup and try again tomorrow? Anxiety and depression together, when they aren't being managed properly, is being imprisoned in your own mind. It's hell.  Some days I just pray for energy.  Because if I had energy, I could keep myself busy and that would help.  If I could feel accomplished that would help.  But when I'm so tired that my house is a mess even when I'm home all day- it only makes me feel worse.  

You have self loathing, feel defeated, and yet you are desperate to fix it, but don't feel strong enough to try. You make yourself ill in order to have a"valid excuse" to lay around all day, but you know deep down that it's still "your fault." I am so tired of fighting this battle.  The difficult part is recognizing the problem as depression, but having a hard time changing anything about it.  I can't seem to just wish it away.  I want to fix it so I don't feel like this anymore andI know it won't be overnight.  I know it's only natural to feel like this because I'm afraid of what is coming.  But I can be brave- I'm ready to keep trying.  If I do nothing else, I know I need to keep close to the Lord.  If I can keep my faith strong, then come what may, everything will be alright.  I don't have to earn love from my Heavenly Father.  He will take me through it.

Perhaps all of this struggle is indication of good things to come.  Things rarely get better before they get harder.  Perhaps this year will hold miracles for us and blessings that we continue to wait on to be realized.  I still know it's possible.  Somewhere deep down I know that our next baby could live long enough to be born.  And even if we lose our next baby too- I'm glad that I have the chance to at least try, to carry them even for a short while.  Many will never even have that chance.

We continue to get good news in other aspects of our lives. Our Jack Jack was accepted into private school and will start kindergarten in August. What?! I'm so excited for him but the earth seems to move under my feet when I think about him being in school all day five days a week. It will be quite an adjustment. He's also doing great in Speech Therapy, and is amazing all those who work there. I'm really hopeful that if we keep working at it, we may be able to avoid having to get his tongue clipped again. They had to test all of his language skills with a two hour test at a desk, which seems like a lot even for an adult. After the test the therapist came to me and said, "In 18 years, I have never seen a child score so high on this test. The preschool test can't even accurately score how high he is, all we can say is that he's at least above the level of a 7 year old. He's an amazing child- I've never seen anything like this." I almost became emotional. I have known for a while that he is a miracle baby, but to have a professional confirm that he is gifted just renewed my faith and my determination to be the best mother I can to him. I hope I can focus my time and energy more on this aspect of my life.

Thank you all for your love and prayers (really I do mean that.) Kevin's final ASR test is scheduled for March 18. We'll get results a few days after that and hopefully we will see that our chances have improved even more. Either way, we're hoping to see that second line on a pregnancy test sometime this spring, and hope even more to have a healthy baby in our arms early next year.

The Faith of a Child

I never planned on informing Jack about our miscarriages until he was much older.  I didn’t want to bog him down with adult concerns and sorrows and take away from his happy childhood.  In recent months, however, it became a concern for me because he asked about a new baby for our family almost every day.  For a boy of four and a half years, he is keen on understanding everything down to the last detail.  The simple answer of “Heavenly Father hasn’t sent a new baby yet” did not satisfy him.  The more he asked, the more I started to wonder if I should just tell him the truth in simple terms and try to help him cope with it instead of answering around it. As far as I know, he is the only member of his primary class and preschool class who doesn’t have one or two younger siblings.  I think that’s starting to become more obvious to him.  He had a new cousin born on Super Bowl Sunday.  While I was dealing with my own turmoil that day and confronting my mixed emotions of grief and the joy in becoming an auntie again- I didn’t notice how it was affecting Jack.  He asked me, “Can I share the baby so he can be my little brother too?”  My heart broke and I felt like a failure for not being able to provide my boy with any siblings yet. 

As the questions kept coming I decided to be honest with him.  I told him, “I really want a new baby too, but something is wrong with Mommy’s body and we don’t know what it is, so I haven’t been able to grow a healthy baby.”  I didn’t bring up Kevin’s risk factors because I figured that would just confuse him more.  That answer seemed to satisfy him for a little bit, but not long.  I was driving him to school the next day and he said, “Mommy I think we need to take you to the hospital right now.  So they can figure out why you can’t have a baby.”  I thought of all the visits and appointments and procedures combined through the course of our six losses.  I told him, “Honey, I’ve been to the hospital many many times.  The doctors can’t figure out what’s wrong.”  That answer didn’t work for Jack either- he just knew there was a way to fix this. 

I had the impression that it was ok to share with him the whole story. I told him, “Mommy has grown some other babies in her tummy, but they all died before they were born.  They are safe and happy and live with Heavenly Father.  We don’t know why they didn’t grow for very long.  That’s why you are a miracle!  You grew long enough to be born healthy.”  I waited for him to ask questions about how a miscarriage works, but instead- he surprised me.  The very first thing he asked was, “Mommy, were you sad and scared when you were growing those babies?”  My heart stopped at the sensitivity and insight of his question.  His empathy astounded me and I felt so touched as I realized how much he loves me.  I told him yes- I was scared and sad every time.  He asked me a few more questions.  Did the babies have names?  Did we know if they were boys or girls?  Why didn’t we bury them?  Then he just sat and pondered for a while.

Suddenly he asked, “Do you think Heavenly Father and Jesus know what’s wrong?”  I said, “Well, yeah.  They know everything so I’m sure they know what’s going wrong.”  Even though I was still driving, he said, “Mommy, I need you to be reverent because I’m going to say a prayer.”  Once again, my heart was touched that he thought so immediately to turn to Heavenly Father.  He bowed his head and prayed, “Dear Heavenly Father, please figure out what’s going on with Mommy’s body so that we can have another baby in our family.  It can be a boy baby or a girl baby.  In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.”  He sat back satisfied with a smile on his face- as if to say “There, fixed it.  Now everything is going to be ok.”  After his prayer I felt peace like I haven’t felt in a very long time.  I remembered that it really is that simple- we don’t know the answer to something, so we turn it over to the Lord in faith.  I felt peace because I KNEW God heard that prayer.  The innocent prayer of a child. 

The faith he exhibited was such an example to me.  Then of course, he made me laugh saying, “I said it could be a boy or a girl baby because I thought it would be better for Heavenly Father to pick.”  He also tried to comfort me saying that our puppy made our family bigger and he could be like my baby for now.  I’m so glad that Jack is involved in this family trial now.  I feel like we can be a team now.  We can pray together as a family and discuss how we all feel.  I’m thankful for the example of the faith of a child- and for his wisdom beyond his years.