Learning Empathy in Secondary Infertility

Well we just had the miscarriage confirmed (which was sad, but a relief because my doctor was starting to worry about an ectopic pregnancy, but fortunately that wasn't the case).

My sister in law lost her baby at 12 weeks the day after my last post.  I cried for her with as much sorrow in my heart as I felt in my own losses.  This was a hard week for our family.  I was thankful that if we both have to go through such a horrible thing, that we can do it together in the same week, and get through Christmas time leaning on each other.  It is a reminder to me that our trials help us learn the type of empathy that the Savior has, and we can become more like Him and feel closer to Him.  I'm learning to truly mourn with those who mourn.

I've written before that I have FELT as if I was dealing with infertility, but found out this week that according to the definition, I do in fact have secondary infertility.

"Secondary infertility is defined as the inability to become pregnant, or to carry a pregnancy to term, following the birth of one or more biological children. The birth of the first child does not involve any assisted reproductive technologies or fertility medications."

"Infertility is defined as a disease or condition of the reproductive system often diagnosed after a couple has had one year of unprotected, well-timed intercourse, or if the woman has suffered from multiple miscarriages."

"Infertility is a medical problem. Approximately 40% of infertility is due to a female factor and 40% is due to a male factor. In the balance of the cases, infertility results from problems in both partners or the cause of the infertility cannot be explained."

"Infertility is defined as 2 or more consecutive miscarriages." 

Well look at that- a new diagnosis.  That means our next step is a fertility clinic (since the OBs and MFMs basically said they've done what they can do.)  Oh boy, fertility clinic- since the losses are so early it does seem to be a problem with the getting pregnant part, something isn't working right there. I'm so nervous to dive into that world though.  If I knew it would help I would go for it.  But I'm not sure.  It is a nerve racking and expensive next step.  I was feeling like we were at the end of our options unless we started "fertility" treatments and testing, looks like i was right.  There are so many tests out there for multiple miscarriages.

Hormonal Factors Tests.
Structural Factors Tests.
Adequacy of the Uterine Lining Tests
Tests for Chromosomal Causes.
Tests for Immunologic Causes.

Ugh.  Let me tell you how much I love invasive, painful, or nerve-racking testing.  I suppose we will be depending on the Lord's timing and not able to investigate this further for a while.  Until we get a good job with benefits and actually have insurance we won't be able to afford fertility treatments.  But from what I understand most fertility treatments have to be paid out of pocket anyway, so we may end up having to save up for a few years.  Since we can get pregnant on our own maybe we won't need the most expensive treatments though.  All I know is that emotionally I won't be able to dive back into this for a while anyway, so in the meantime while we are healing maybe we can get some ideas for the future.

Pretty much at this point I just feel sad.  I think about not getting pregnant in the next year and my heart just sinks because we ache for another baby.  I guess in my heart I still feel like "one of these times the pregnancy is bound to work and bring us a healthy baby.  It worked once before"  We are so thankful for the son we have so I will be filling my heart with everything good he gives me.  Hopefully I can learn to cope with that sadness and learn patience until we can try again or see new specialists.  At this point I feel humbled enough that all I want to do is what the Lord wants us to.  If He doesn't want us to try again for 2 years and that's the right thing, then that's what I want to do.  If God's will is for us to try again in three months- that's what we want to do.  The hard part is discerning that.  We're not really sure of anything at this point.  My guess is we are learning patience and it is going to be a while.

I am trying to think about positive things in all of this- I mean, we have an extremely happy marriage, but most of our marriage has been focused around our babies.  Our miracle boy with us now and the four we have lost.  We found out we were 4 weeks pregnant with Jack 74 days after our wedding (and this is after only 2.5 months of dating and a 3 month engagement).  We have been thrilled to spend our time caring for him and the other pregnancies, and have wanted our family to continue growing.  We realize though, if it is not God's time for our family to grow, perhaps this will be a time where we can develop our relationship with each other a little more when the goal of having more children is not the immediate focus.  Perhaps I will gain a little of my sanity back.

I just feel trapped because we don't want to stop trying, but what else do we do?  Try again?  We have no new treatment options or reasons to believe I would be able to carry a child now so if we tried again at this point it looks like we would just have another loss.  It really would be the definition of insanity.  All I feel like we can do now is take a break, and see if the Lord's will changes with time.  Maybe we'll try again in a year, and if we have another loss we might have to look into a fertility clinic.  Waiting isn't what scares me.  I'm scared we'll wait a year or so and have the exact same tragedy and all my hope will be extinguished.  At least we are young and I still have a good 15 or 20 years that it would be possible for me to have our next miracle baby.  I'm learning to have joy in the journey and appreciate the good life and wonderful family I have.  

Thank You

It’s times like this I am reminded of the goodness of people.  I am astounded at the love and genuine concern and support we’ve received.  I absolutely do not think my trials are the hardest of anyone’s in the world and my life is so richly blessed. Going through this difficult time, however, I have seen the faces of angels in friends and family, emails, texts, and prayers.  Thank you, from the bottom of my heart for reaching out to me and helping me to feel God’s love for me again through your love for us.

The support and love has been outstanding and made all the difference.  I'm glad I've been so public about this because God has blessed us with so many loving people and your thoughts and kind words REALLY do make a difference and make it better. I know some people choose to be private about these sensitive things but writing has kept me sane and I don't feel so alone anymore.  As I’m writing this now, my total blog views are at 2101.  That simply astounds me.

This loss was harder because I always had a plan before- I had hope for "next time."  I have no more ideas really at this point.  More testing and seeing more doctors sounds daunting and exhausting but I’m sure we'll get there.  I think I’m going to just have to be "done" for a little while because I don't know where else to go.

Many people have talked to us about adoption.  Which in principle sounds great and I’m not opposed to it by any means, but it is by no means a feasible option for us right now.  First of all, money.  We have none at all. haha.  Adoption would be years away just because I don’t know how we will save anything as Kevin gets his doctorate and we may or may not have a steady income, let alone enough to save for adoption.  Adoption requires stability- where they can come observe you for at least 6 months in most cases.  And well, we’re in my dad’s basement until we find out about school.  I’ve already given birth to one child and since I’m not infertile that disqualifies us from some (but not all) adoption services.  I don’t think we are anywhere near being ready emotionally for the trials of adoption at this point.  If we did adopt I feel that at this stage of my life I would be one of those people who only “want a puppy.”  Meaning since I had a newborn of my own I feel like I would need to have another child from that stage and breastfeed and do all of those things to feel like my mothering was the same.  Maybe that could change with time.  And we are very young.  I have so many years ahead of me that I am capable of bearing a child, and so we are not giving up hope in the fact that we have felt we will have more children of our own.  Adoption is a wonderful thing, and has been even for people in my immediate family.  I’m just saying I don’t think it is the right thing for us to look into at this point in time.

Sometimes I have a hard time affirming to myself that I really have a problem despite four losses because I just think "but i already had a baby...it seems like a dream now, but I did.  How could I possibly have a real problem?"  How could acceptance still be this hard for me?  I feel like I’m trapped in all these horrible emotions.  Sorrow, anger, grief, guilt, self loathing, jealousy, confusion, no motivation, depression and lack of faith, not wanting to do things that used to make my hurt better.  People in movies run away to Paris or even just a hotel for the weekend or they start a new job, or take that class they’ve been wanting to. I don’t have money or the availability to give myself something new or do something crazy.  We’re even down to one car these days.  And my part time job is in a children’s store where I’m surrounded by infant clothes, new moms and pregnant women.  Helps a lot to get my mind off everything...  So I stay in this basement with my pain and fall deeper and deeper into this depression if I’m not careful.  I have violent dreams and food makes me sick.  I don’t feel like myself.

Jack keeps my head above water.  I’m thankful for my miracle.  It’s a strange world to be in the place where I am.  I can’t live the childless life like some of my friends but I’m not having more children either and I’m just not sure how to make that work yet and be really happy.  Not “pretend happy we’re dealing with it until we fix the problem,” but really happy.  I’m concerned about how long it may take me to figure it out.   I can do so much with Jack- but I hope you can see where I feel stuck.  Not really sure what else I’m supposed to be doing that will give me some fulfillment and take away all these negative things inside.  I have such a loving and supportive husband and he makes me smile and some days I do fine for a few hours and then completely lose it and all the crazy comes out.  But I guess that’s just what’s going to be expected for a little while. I writhe and cry and scream and yell for a few hours and say things I don’t mean and then I remember that things will be ok and I can trust God again, for a minute.  And I try to push those bad thoughts out of my mind or the violent images from my dreams or do something for myself that makes me smile.  Honestly my blog gets me through and is a great channel for me.  It’s insane that I publish my deepest thoughts right on the internet…but somehow it works out ok.  Probably because I have amazing and loving friends that support me.   This was always the trial I was most afraid I would have.  Ok, not most.  There are a lot worse things that people deal with, horrible things.  But I was always afraid of this struggle because I knew how much it would hurt.  I don’t want to take a break from trying to figure it out and trying again…but I don’t think I have much of a choice.  Ask my sweet husband.  I’m falling to pieces and though I don’t want to be done, I think we need to be for a while. 

Putting aside what I want and thinking about how to take care of myself.  I think I just need to get off this rollercoaster for a little while.  Nothing pains me more than to go on birth control because I absolutely wish I could be pregnant with a healthy baby- but that doesn’t seem to be the reality right now.  We’re considering a semi-permanent implant.  Perhaps if I had the certainty of knowing “we’re not going to get pregnant this year” I could live a little more and learn to be happy with the many blessings I already have.  Just knowing getting pregnant is not an option without scheduling a small surgical procedure makes it seem like it’s already set and it’s not going to happen.  Maybe I will find myself doing other things if I know a baby is not coming in the next year.  It won’t take the pain away, but maybe I can dull it as I learn patience.  When I see a pregnancy or a new baby I can learn to take joy in the witnessing of a miracle and tell myself “we’re not trying this year, but hopefully our miracle will come soon.”  I’m not saying I won’t get the implant and then 6 months later think I’m strong and brave and ready again, but once again, maybe that’s why I need this.  Maybe I need something to make me wait longer.  Emotional healing takes a lot longer than physical and maybe the Lord needs me to get closer to Him before we’re ready to work on this issue together.  Being sad to be taking birth control  won’t be a thought that has to cross my mind every single day with an implant, like when I’m on the progesterone pills and I have to take them at the exact same time every night.  They are unreliable if taken even an hour late, and it’s stressful because my doctors have warned of their effectiveness (I can’t use anything with estrogen). But with an implant, once it’s done it’s done and I don’t have to think about it anymore.  I don’t have to worry about maybe being pregnant and not knowing about it in enough time to “save” the pregnancy…not that the mentality has worked for me so far.  It’s absolutely not what I want to do, but if it gives us peace for a year and healing, and if it’s what Heavenly Father wants us to do, then I guess He has His reasons.  We could even still be doing tests and seeing specialists and planning our next idea of what might help, but maybe even holding off on that could be healthy for a while. Maybe I will be able to focus all of my attention on my miracle child, my amazing son who astounds me every day.  He brings joy to me in a way I could have never imagined until I experienced it.  Perhaps I will be able to more carefully appreciate each moment with him as I often wish I had when he was first born- now that I know a baby will be a rare occurrence for us.  

As far as dealing with pain and heartbreak I may be better equipped at this point to deal with the hurt of not being pregnant instead of losing a pregnancy every 6 months.  I can only do that for so long. “Next time” whenever that is, I’m considering not doing medical intervention, besides maybe starting on a baby aspirin when I find out, because nothing we’ve done seems to have even made a small difference.  I started on aspirin with jack at almost 6 weeks- and that’s all I did.

I think my reality is finally starting to shift.  Over and over I’ve been in disbelief that I couldn’t have another baby because I already had one…but after four times one after another I’ve been successfully beaten into the ground and it doesn’t feel as strange now to say “I can’t have any more babies right now.”  It causes me searing pain to say that, but maybe once I can accept that I can have a happy year focusing on what I do have.  After all, I have many blessings.     

Dear Baby... (our 4th loss)

Introduction:

It has been seven months since our last loss, so we were really excited and hopeful.  Which made this loss even more crushing.  We waited more than enough time, were on a new plan medication wise, and numbers were increasing well to start with.  Nothing we did seemed to have any kind of consequence- how long we waited, the medicines we did or didn’t use.  Didn’t seem to change much of anything.  The most devastating fact is we feel like we’ve hit a dead end.  This is not a normal problem…there is obviously something wrong we just can’t find what it is.  It’s a scary thing to know something is wrong with your body but not know what.  I’m hoping it’s not something more serious than we imagined in the first place.  There are so many ways doctors have now to try and help people get pregnant, but they can’t do anything really to help me stay pregnant.  And we don’t even know why.  I kept a journal through this insane week.  It started and ended that quickly- between weeks 4 and 6 are always when I lose them.  I don’t expect anyone to read all of this, but I’ll put the journal of the pregnancy up for anyone that can relate to the anxiety and hope and fear, and then crushing defeat that comes with monitoring like this, which ultimately ends in horrifying news.

It’s such a confusing feeling because I feel like we’re dealing with infertility but we’re not.  Couples who struggle with that try to get pregnant every month for years- but some people think I’m crazy for having 4 pregnancies in 15 months.  It’s really not that different- just instead of not getting pregnant, the pregnancies only last a few weeks.  It’s just that I usually get pregnant the first month of trying.  So we’ve been trying to have a baby for over a year without any luck, it’s just different because I’ve lost four chances when life started then stopped growing.  It’s a hard thing for me, instead of putting it in the hands of the Lord to see when He will bless us with a pregnancy, I have to choose whether or not I’m ready to try being pregnant again.  I’m not saying I wish I had infertility, I’m just saying it’s a strange dilemma.  Every time I imagining holding a newborn in my arms or helping Jack be a big brother I feel like my heart gets ripped out and stomped on.  One in four women will have a miscarriage- but I haven’t met very many who have had four in a row.  It’s too many.  It feels too hard.  I can’t even believe this is happening.  It has to be a bad dream.  We don’t even know what’s wrong.  I don’t know how we’ll ever fix it if we don’t know what’s wrong.  I so wanted to see a heartbeat this time.  The physical pain and cramping isn’t helping either.  The constant reminder is brutal.  Not to mention pregnancy symptoms continuing until all the HCG clears out.  I just can’t see anything good about this- I see nothing positive in it at all.  I don’t feel like I have any “clean starts” coming up- I just feel stuck in this depression and pain.  I feel overweight and behind in school and I feel like all the joy has been sucked out of me.  This one hurt so bad because we were so hopeful and excited and I was daydreaming about onzies and swaddles and a new little crib.  I think it hurts even more because I’m out of ideas.  We really have no idea why this is happening or how to fix it.  Not even having anything to try makes everything feel that much more hopeless.  Jack is my miracle- but I didn’t know how much of a miracle he was when he was born. I mean, he was my very first pregnancy.  It seems impossible that he is even here.

2011.  Remembering our greatest miracle that we didn't know was happening.

I want to do so many things better next time- I feel like I would appreciate each moment and stage more, I was so ready to try again and be better.  I wish I had another chance to get the professional newborn pictures done that I didn't do with Jack, and all of those silly little things that don't matter so much in the end, but matter a whole lot to me now that I don't have them.  A second time mom more fully understands the joy coming into her life with the birth of a child.  I’ll just throw all of my “energy” into jack and I’ll probably just spoil him silly because he’s all that I have.  I don’t mean to act ungrateful- I’m so blessed that I have at least one child-that gratitude is becoming stronger daily.  I have a wonderful husband who is so considerate and caring but I just don’t know how to manage this pain.  

This cloud of depression is so dark and heavy.  It hurts.  It kills.  I feel like all of my hope is drained.  I feel like I can’t live with this burden anymore.  When will I get to that point of strength and bravery that it won’t silently break my heart to be around anyone who is pregnant or holding a young baby.  When will I get to feel true joy for my friends and family without feeling bitterness?  I hate that I feel that way!  Maybe I’m impatient, but I just want to feel happy.  I know if you’re not happy before you have a baby/get married/graduate college etc you won’t be after, but I’m trying to learn how to be happy now with this trial in my life- but ask anyone who deals with it how easy that is.  It feels like life should stop for grief as strong as this.  But it doesn’t.  It keeps going.  In a way I suppose that is a blessing.  I won’t be getting my Christmas miracle this year, but I still am richly blessed with a wonderful family. 

I just wish I would have been able to meet at least one of those 4 little babies that started to grow.  That is the pain that swallows my perspective sometimes.  It’s amazing to me that so many people in the world only WANT one child.  It's everyone's right to choose how many children they want to have- I’m just trying to find the good things in having one, which others obviously see.  I do see a lot of benefits, but I would never have picked it.  I never wanted that.  I always imagined myself with 6 children.  I’m trying to find peace, but it always seems to take a backseat to the pain that is so obvious and in my face.  But I have to remember that “our faith is not dependent on outcomes.”  I’m trying to live the Lord’s plan a day at a time, whatever it is.  

Now comes that slow and painful part of letting the reality sink in that it doesn’t seem I’ll have another child anytime soon.  I do believe the words in those blessings for future children.  Most days.  Today it feels hard to believe in anything.  But if I didn’t believe them at all I would have given up trying.  I just don’t know how long it will be until those blessings are realized.  I’ve seen it happen for other people after years and years.  I know we just have to give control to the Lord and be patient.  This just feels like a horrible way to learn patience.  I hope my heart holds up.  I’m dreading going to bed tonight because it’s going to hurt too much in the morning to wake up and remember.  Hopefully the pain meds just sedate me. I feel kind of mad at the world.  Honestly I feel a bit traumatized emotionally.  It hurts to wonder what they would have looked like, probably a little like our jack jack.  For some reason it especially hurts when I imagine having a daughter, just because we don’t have one.  I’ll think, out of four times, most likely at least one of those babies was a girl.  Not that I am less sad about losing a boy, it just hurts in a different way.  My heart has taken a pretty harsh beating this past year and a half.  I’m still alive, but I feel dead.                                                                                                        

Journal During the Pregnancy: 

This time growth only held up for about a week- they seem to stop growing sooner and sooner. 

Timeline

Dec 5^th- negative home pregnancy test but had symptoms.  Blood draw showed HCG at 2.  I had been on aspirin and thyroid medicine, prenatals and extra folic acid for a few months.  Everything was good to go. 

Dec 6^th- Faint positive home pregnancy test.  Started on progesterone that night.

Dec 7^th- Obvious positive home pregnancy test, must mean levels are rising.  Doubled progesterone dose.  

Dec 8^th- Pregnancy test line about the same darkness as yesterday. 

Dec 9^th- HCG strip just a tiny bit darker- hoping the blood work comes back with good news tomorrow. 

Dec 10^th- Results from yesterday came back at 89! From 2 to 89 in 4 days! Great growth so far, praying that it doubles by tomorrow!

Dec 11^th- HCG came back at 139- about 60% growth. About where the doctors expected to see it.  Had a few more symptoms today, hoping and praying for continued steady growth of at least 60% every 48 hours. 

Dec 12^th- Horrible back pain and leg pain and uterine aches at night.  Panic attack- pain indicated to me I may have lost the baby. 

Dec 13^th- HCP came back at 157.  Not even up 20 points.  Baby has stopped growing around the same place as the last three.  I’ll have to wait a few days to start bleeding. 

1st loss 5 weeks 5 days.  2nd loss 5 weeks.  3rd loss 5 weeks.  4th loss- obvious growth curve and pain at 4 weeks 3 days.  It seems to be getting worse instead of better.  I don't know what's not working, this last one could almost be considered chemical it was so short.  The primitive placenta obviously starts working to start with because levels were looking great, then something happens and it just breaks down, stops growing correctly, and then we lose the pregnancy.  

December 6, 2013

Dear Baby,

I just found out about you today and I’ve been driving myself crazy wondering for the past few days.  I actually went and had my blood drawn yesterday at the hospital because those early home pregnancy tests kept coming up negative (until this morning) but I was just SO sure you were there!  I wanted to find out as early as possible so I can start on my medicine.  I want to do everything possible to keep you with me.  You are my fifth pregnancy but I have only given birth to one child.  Your daddy and I have wanted you here with us for so long, and waiting for Heavenly Father to send you healthy and strong has been the hardest trial in my life to this point.  It’s the hardest thing because I already love you more than you could ever know.  Because of my history I can’t be sure how long I will get to keep you with me, but I have learned to treasure every minute.  However God grants that we be together I will cherish each moment.  But I hope and pray that I get to meet you.  I want to see your little face and rock you, watch you grow and watch how all of Heavenly Father’s greatest gifts are shown to me through you.  Divine nature has never been more apparent to me than watching your brother Jack grow up.  He is still young, but I can see so much in him.  He already amazes and brings joy to so many people.  I know you will be the same because Heavenly Father has told me in more than one priesthood blessing that I would have very special children.  Maybe that’s what it has been so difficult for you to get here.

I have missed you for a long time.  I’m not even sure who I’m missing but it is a void so great in my life that sometimes it was hard to get through the day.  But I am so happy now my little one.  I’m so happy to have you with me.  You are already a miracle.  Your daddy and I were going to wait a little while longer to try and bring you into our family and somehow, seemingly out of nowhere- everything fell into place and I just knew it was time for you to try and come again.  I felt the spirit so strongly about it that I couldn’t help but burst into tears- I just knew.  Way before I took a test I just knew.  We aren’t telling our families for a little while, I am praying that I can hear your heartbeat first- then we could tell everyone on Christmas, which is in 19 days.  

I have been led to amazing and caring doctors before this pregnancy, who are loving and comforting and they have come up with the best plan that they know of.  I am willing to sacrifice almost anything to bring you here- and I’ve told the Lord that.  I told him that if a high HCG meant I was throwing up 7 times a day, that’s just fine with me.  If I need to do the daily shots in my stomach again, so be it.  Bedrest, painful procedures, whatever it is.  I promised Him that I would go through it if it would bring you to me.  Like I said, you are already a miracle because the spirit has been so strong since I have been thinking about you, and I was so sure I was pregnant just because of how much everything had seemed to fall into place and what I felt like God was saying to me, that reason made me more sure than my early symptoms.  I know you are so special.  I had a very special experience about a week ago.  You see, I won’t go into all the details, but I was afraid to ask God for a blessing about you because I felt like He might tell me no, and I would have to lose yet another one of my babies (that is a long story but that’s the main idea).  But as I was talking about my questions with some friends, and as I had been praying about it, I felt like I should ask specifically for a blessing of healing.  So I asked your daddy and he anointed my head with consecrated oil and gave me the most beautiful blessing of healing from Heavenly Father that blessed my body that it would be a welcoming place for future children to grow healthy and join our family.  He blessed my blood to work properly and my hormones to balance in the right way.  I know that He knows how to make my body work the right way, and I absolutely know He can do it with priesthood power depending on His will.  That blessing said I would be healed and would receive spiritual confirmation of that fact.  I am still very scared at this point because I know the Lord’s timeline is not always certain, and perhaps the realization of those blessings will be further down the road with a different pregnancy.  But everything about you so far has felt so extraordinarily special that I am choosing to believe that blessing is made for you and me right now.  

Really I just want to lay in my bed and not move and do nothing but eat healthy food and take medicine that will help you to grow.  But I have your brother to take care of so I pray that the Lord will attend me in everything I do, I pray with everything I am, more than I have ever prayed for anything else, that He will protect you and give you a healthy body and brain and heart.  That the placenta will be strong and nourishing, and that my body will be a safe place for you.  I love you so much baby, please know that however long we are together. You are due August 19, 2014!! I’m trying to be happy and optimistic because you are a brand new life and you deserve all the hope in the world!  I’m trying to be as joyous as I would be if I had no history of loss and no doubt or fear.

-I just got some strange news.  I got my blood result back from yesterday and the HCG was only at a 2.  Less than 5 isn’t even considered a positive pregnancy test- but I took a positive urine test this morning.  The strange thing is- HCG shows up sooner in your blood than urine so it is usually stronger.  But the urine pregnancy tests aren’t sensitive enough to pick up a number that low- the test I took is sensitive to at least 12-15- but that should mean the blood levels are up much higher than that.  Anyway- it’s a little unnerving for me.  I want to just put myself on bedrest.  The nurse wants me to go get my blood drawn on Monday and see if the levels are up high enough to call the pregnancy viable.  It’s Friday today.  The reassurance for me rests in looking at the test- there is enough HCG to show a positive test from urine today, so that must mean the levels are climbing rapidly- I pray.  I’m just upset that I work tomorrow night until after midnight- I don’t want to be doing the vaginal progesterone so late at night.  I’ll put the situation in the Lord’s hands and just do everything I can.  I hope this baby keeps growing quickly!  They’ll take my blood every other day until the HCG is at 2000, then they will want to see me for ultrasounds.  Can I please make it to that stage?? 

 

Dear baby- I am thankful for tender mercies.  I was feeling uneasy about closing tomorrow night and staying up late and scrubbing/cleaning and all that.  I felt like I should just take it easy.  Although we aren’t planning to tell family right now, I nervously called one of the bosses and told her what was going on.  I won’t go into details for privacy’s sake, but she told me some of her experiences and told me she knew what I was going through.  She got my shift covered no problem and changed some of my shifts next week and was so nice about it.  I feel so relieved that I can have the best chance at growing strong levels this weekend- I pray that Monday they will show amazing growth!

Dear little one- as I have been pondering through this day and have been trying to keep my spirits up, I have come to the realization that you are God’s to care for at this time.  I feel like I need to give the situation to Him and understand that I don’t get to choose how long you stay with me.  You are not here to be mine only, I am here to take care of you.  When you come and how is part of the plan for YOUR life, I am here to serve you.  You are God’s to take care of now inside my body.  I have hope that He will give you life and give me that miracle.  I am only the vessel- but He is taking care of you.  I will do everything in my power to keep you healthy- but I am giving the responsibility to the Lord.  In search for my greatest joy- you, I give Him my greatest burden- the fear of losing you. 

“I have come to know that faith is a real power, not just an expression of belief. There are few things more powerful than the faithful prayers of a righteous mother.” –Elder Boyd K Packer

December 7, 2013

Dear Baby- I have joy in my heart this morning!  I try to make sure my joy stays strong because it is the only thing that can overtake my anxiety, at least in moments.  Which I’m sure is as much as I can hope for right now, it would be normal for me to be nervous about a pregnancy- but fears aside I am taking in each moment as a blessing! I am planning to take this pregnancy one day at a time, and I’m hoping that it lasts the full 40 weeks.  My joy this morning is because the HCG line is darker on a test today than it was yesterday! That means you are growing!  And now that I started the progesterone last night I am putting my trust in it to maintain the pregnancy while the placenta gets nice and strong.  I put then medicine in and laid still for two hours praying that it does whatever it needs to do.  The nurse I talked to on the phone yesterday made me so nervous when she was talking about how low my HCG was, when she said to come in Monday and we will “see if we need to continue.”  But now that the lines are darkening in the urine tests I know for sure that levels are at least going up.  I’m not sure if the levels have 48 hour doubling time, but all that is important now is that the levels continue to grow and never stop growing or go down like my last three.  Honestly the blood was taken Thursday morning which was a full 6 days before I missed my period- which means we quite possibly drew blood on the very first day that HCG was being made.  That is a miracle in itself because it means I was able to start on progesterone the very next day! Hopefully starting it so early is just what you need!  Even though it’s scary to see such low numbers, they have to start at zero at some point and I hope we needed that early result to get going!  You are special baby, you are so clearly a miracle!  I have 4 more days until I officially miss my period. I hope by then your levels will be perfect!

Dear baby- I am already starting to feel sick today! Queasy and nauseous and all around icky- and I am thrilled about it! Haha.  I hope it’s because my hormones are increasing quickly.  I know there is a chance that it’s the progesterone, but as long as it’s helping you that’s ok with me!

-It seems like I always find something new to worry about.  I’ve been reading online and it seems other women were put on two to three times as much progesterone as I was.  I’m concerned that maybe I’m not on enough.  They are closed for the weekend so I guess I will wait and talk to them on Monday.  Hope everything stays ok until then.

-Well I was feeling anxious enough that I called the on call doctor, which I don’t normally do because I get embarrassed.  He was so nice.  He agreed that in my situation it may be a good idea to double to dose and do the medicine morning and night.  I feel much better about that decision- getting some helping hormones every 12 hours instead of 24.  Baby, I’m just trying to listen to my “gut” about every decision right now, even the seemingly small ones because I really believe that God can keep you healthy, but I am trying to live in tune with the spirit so I can hear every little prompting that could help keep you safe.

-I’m having a very small amount of pink discharge and it’s making me sick to my stomach with worry.  That’s how my other losses started.  I know it could be caused from implantation or putting the progesterone in, but I noticed it first before I ever did the progesterone.  I wouldn’t call it bleeding or spotting so I’m not giving up hope yet- I just hope to see a darker line tomorrow and have a textbook pregnancy like I did with Jack.  Emotionally these have been the hardest few days I’ve had in a long time.  Daddy is putting my name in the temple today so that I know I have people praying for us even though we haven’t told our family yet.

-I saw a picture this morning of a new baby- so beautiful.  My heart burst with happiness imagining the day that I will meet you.  And in that same moment a thought of horror and sorrow so great, to think I might not hold you one day brings so much pain I can hardly bare it.  I am in prayer constantly because I don’t know what else to do.  I am reading scriptures and searching for peace, it comes and goes in waves and all I can hope to remember is how much Heavenly Father loves me. I wonder if I just don’t have enough faith- because I have so much fear.  I have so many horrifying memories of losing pregnancies- I think it’s hard to feel the light of my faith through the pain of memory.  But I have you with me now, and last I checked you are growing.  I will take my joy from that.  I have no reason to feel sorrow until I know there is a reason.  Feeling so sad now will only dampen our time together.  I am trying to choose to be happy because I have no known reason to be sad- it is so wonderful that I am pregnant!  The happiness that fact gives me is greater than the dark side of all my fears which I am trying to crowd out. I think I should look at pictures and videos from my pregnancy with Jack- and remember the miracle that he is and the happiness that was there in that pregnancy.

-I’m choosing to surround myself with stories of optimism and miracles.  I think of my best friend Camille- her HCG levels were so low they thought she would miscarry the baby- but she started on progesterone and two days later her levels had quadrupled.  Why should my case be any different? Why should I expect anything but the best?  It would be better, I think, to have all my hopes suddenly dashed by bad news than live expecting it in gloom and never having it come.  So I’m choosing to accept and believe that everything will be ok, and expect to claim the blessing the Lord gave me using my faith.  Despite the scary numbers or anything else.  Right now there is no reason to believe that everything won’t be just fine.  I’m trying to enjoy this pregnancy like we never had anything bad happen to us.

I’m sorry I write so much.  Usually I talk to my mom about everything- it feels so weird to not tell any family right now, honestly it’s difficult for me, but I just think it would be such a beautiful Christmas miracle to tell them on Christmas that we are 6 weeks along (by that point) and everything looks healthy!  Also I realized the progesterone capsules I’ve been using are pink, so I hope that explains the pink discharge I’ve been worried about.

This is a really hard thing and sometimes I feel like I’m hard on myself for doubting at all or being guarded, but I know that Heavenly Father knows that I am really doing the best I can, I really am, and it feels good to feel confidence saying that.  That’s why we have our Savior, He makes up for the difference.  He helped Peter walk on the water.  He helped the man that asked “help thou my unbelief.”  He gave them miracles and He will give me miracles.

I told my Dad and Julie tonight (step-mom)- I wanted to wait to tell family until Christmas, but I felt like I needed their support because I’m living here and I didn’t want to keep making up excuses about why I felt sick or was laying around.  They were wonderful and I know they will pray for me and support me.  I look forward to more good news so we can tell the rest of our family on Christmas about our little miracle!

December 8, 2013

Dear Baby- the line on the test isn’t a lot darker today if it’s darker at all- makes me a little nervous.  But they say doubling time is 2 days not 1 so I’m trying not to worry.  I have test strips that are a sensitivity of 25 so I’m hoping that by tomorrow there’s a dark line there- because I tried one this morning and it’s almost nothing.  It will be higher in my blood- still praying for a miracle!  I don’t know why it feels difficult for me to just sit back and trust that the progesterone is going to do its job and take care of any problems.  Maybe because that’s exactly what I did with the lovenox shots and the pain was unbearable when it didn’t work and I wasn’t prepared for it.

I need to give up my need to be in control- and give the control to the Lord.  Today I wrote a little bit about how I was feeling on a mommy blog for moms who are “cautiously expecting after loss.”  Sometimes it helps just to talk.  I hope I can trust my intuition that this baby is different and special and we will be able to bring him or her home with us. 

Just read that taking progesterone can cause increased worry. Bahahahaha. At least I got a laugh.

December 9, 2013

Dear Baby- well I used one of my cheap HCG strips this morning and it is just a little darker! I am thrilled!  I wish that it was an obvious bold line instead of barely visible- but trying not to worry too much because I got these strips on ebay and I guess I’m not sure how good or sensitive they are.  I’ll get my blood drawn today and get results today or tomorrow afternoon.  Please have a good doubling time! Please oh Please!!  I ended up retching twice at the hospital today, hoping that’s a good sign!  Though I am glad I didn’t throw up all the way. Well they closed a half hour early today so now I don’t get my results! Ah! It’s going to drive me crazy waiting!

December 10, 2013

Dear baby- I told my mommy about you last night.  I just really feel like I could use her support and this is a lot harder than I thought it would be.  I told her not to tell the kids though.  I want them to be surprised.  I’m waiting on pins and needles to hear about blood work.  Those cheap HCG strips were making me nervous so I got a dollar store test that is supposed to be the same sensitivity, and the line was a lot darker on that test and almost invisible on the cheap ones.  I think I should just throw the other ones away, they do nothing but cause me stress.  Here’s praying for happy news this morning!

Baby- we are celebrating!! The results came back at 89!!!  Normal range for day of missed period is 50-80 and this was the day before the missed period so I am absolutely thrilled!  You have grown so much so quickly!  From 2 on Thursday morning to 89 on Monday morning!  They want to draw again tomorrow (Wednesday morning) and see at least a 60% growth, but we’re hoping more to see it double.  I am thanking God for the happiness in this moment- so far nothing has gone wrong and my prayer is that everything will continue smoothly!  Please keep growing for mommy!  I am hoping for a range between 143-180 tomorrow.  We’ll use another dollar store test tomorrow and hope for a darker line as we wait on the blood work.  I think it’s always going to feel hard waiting for the next number until we see a hearbeat, but if we don’t go through the hard stuff, we won’t recognize the miracles. My mom always told me to pray for specific things, for exactly what I needed, so I am praying for a draw of 200 or more.  I know the Lord can make that happen!

I told my best friend Hattie Lou today because she just texted me out of nowhere because she was thinking about me.  That made me feel so special that she was thinking about me.  I’d like to tell some of my other best friends, but I just felt like I should tell Hattie for now even though my siblings don’t know yet- she is one of the most optimistic and positive people I know and I feel like her prayers go a long way for us! She is an amazing supportive and loving friend.  I know I need to be working on school but my mind feels so preoccupied I feel like I can’t focus. Maybe once we get through these next two weeks I’ll be able to resume life again.  

December 11, 2013

Dear Baby- I had my first full on meltdown this morning at about 630 am.  Sometimes the fear and anxiety just takes over and I’m not as strong of a person as I’d like to be- I can’t help it I just love you so much.  The last three times, I always had a meltdown right before I found out I lost the baby so I pray it’s not a pattern.  I swear I don’t try to torture myself but I assumed that the day after my period was due I would have a nice dark thick easy to see line on a pregnancy test (of course the 88 cent kind instead of the sensitive ones, what is wrong with me) and that would calm my nerves until I get the blood results.  Well I think I’m done testing for now.  This morning the test came back about the same as yesterdays, not even lighter, just the same to maybe slightly darker and I completely fell apart thinking you weren’t growing anymore. This tells me I can’t handle trying to get results myself and I just need to wait on the doctors.  I’ve been praying so much but I guess even brave people break down sometimes.  I dream about it all night and I feel like I’m going crazy, I just need to know you are ok.  I think I might need to be in grief counseling…seriously, I guess losing three pregnancies in a row makes you lose your ever loving mind when you get pregnant again.  I’m not giving up hope, we haven’t received any technical bad news yet so I’m sorry to even be acting like this.  I love you and I’ve been praying for a draw of 200 or more today!

“In most normal pregnancies with hCG levels below 1,200 mIU/ml, the hCG usually doubles every 48-72 hours and increases by at least 60% every two days.” 

Ok- results are in!  I’m glad I can check them online now within about an hour.  So we were hoping of a growth of at least 60% and I was hoping for doubled.  A 60% growth in 48 hours from my last lab would be 143 and I drew at a 139 which is pretty close.  Even though I was hoping for 200, this is a good increase and the nurse said it is about what’s expected at this point (today is the day I actually missed my period) as long as growth continues at this rate it should be fine!  Fingers crossed baby!  Please have a growth spurt within the next 48 hours so I can rest a little easier! I know I was praying for higher, but sometimes He gives us exactly what we need, and 60% is what I actually need, so I am very thankful. 

I just have to keep telling myself- nothing bad has happened yet!  I need to stop worrying because nothing bad has happened yet! Everything is right where it needs to be.  Hoping for a range of 222.4-278 on Friday morning.  I asked the nurse to talk to my doctor tomorrow and see if he wants me to add a third progesterone supplement during the day.  She said she would call me if he does.  But all I really need to do is put it in the Lord’s hands. 

Doc says to just stay on 200mg as progesterone is “controversial” to if it actually works or not anyway. I hope it works for me!  He says he thinks he’ll be able to see a gestational sac on an ultrasound in about a week if the growth continues like this.  Praying!

Hey my baby- I’m feeling a lot calmer tonight. I am really happy you are on track for growing.  Even though it’s not as fast as I’d like, as long as it’s safe I’m fine and the doctor didn’t seem concerned at all.  I’ve actually felt more symptoms tonight, sore chest and “growing pains” in the womb- just twinges and sharp pains and not cramping.  I’m so grateful for that. Also I wanted to die when I used tea tree toothpaste tonight. I couldn’t stomach it.  I wish those pains I’m feeling here and there would never stop so that I knew you were ok, but I’m really trying to trust Heavenly Father.  A little tender mercy of the night, my boss just texted me and said not to worry about coming in for my morning shift.  Although they keep taking away my hours and most people would be upset about that- I think that right now I should be resting all I can and it’s a blessing.  I would have had to wake up at 4 to put my medicine in and then try to go back to sleep until 520, then get up and leave by 6, then get to work by 645 and work 7-12, get home at 1245 for your daddy to leave at 1 for work and I’d be home with Jack Jack the rest of the day.  It just sounded exhausting to a newly pregnant woman.  Anyway, I’m thankful.  Grow baby grow! I’m frustrated that I won’t let myself get more excited yet- imagining buying new baby clothes or picking out names (we’ve had a girl name picked for years) but the more good news we get the more happy I’ll be!

December 12, 2013

I’m feeling pretty good today- I’m feeling more hopeful and just try to tell myself this baby will be born and not to worry.  Kevin and I talked about how we need to get a pack n play for this baby and it made me so happy to imagine an actual newborn at our house again.  I try not to think about the blood test until tomorrow because it just causes me too much anxiety- getting a test every 48 hours to tell you whether your baby has lived or died since the last test.  I stopped using the urine tests today because I realize that the “darkness” of the line isn’t really an accurate measure at this point and it’s only going to cause me stress.  Just trying to keep the faith!

Tender mercies- through the miracle of internet connections I have made a friend in California who has been struggling with infertility for years and she and her husband have just gotten pregnant through embryo adoption!  We have been talking a lot because we are exactly the same amount pregnant- she is only one day behind me in her cycle.  It has been so wonderful talking to someone who understands the stress of what I’m dealing with and is so encouraging.  We compare betas and are about the same now- hers is a little higher but I’m not going to worry about a numbers game. 

Ugh- I’m feeling nervous again.  My draw is in the morning and I have to take Jack with me again, which always makes it harder.  Mostly I’m feeling upset because I’m having a lot of back pain, and I’ve always had severe back pain the night before I’ve lost the other babies.    I know it could be from the medicine, and actually I’ve had a lot of back pain this pregnancy.  But it’s still terrifying.  I’ve had people tell me to expect the best and hope for it but prepare for the worst.  It just doesn’t work that way.  If you choose to believe your baby is going to live, you have to believe that 100% you can’t be planning in the back of your mind what you’ll do in case.  That just sucks the hope right out of you.  I hope my happiness and confidence is restored with tomorrows reading.  Even though we haven’t had any bad news yet I sometimes fall into a deep depression because I don’t know how we’ll ever have another child if I can’t get past 6 weeks.  It’s not infertility where when you finally get pregnant you have a baby, it’s getting pregnant without intervention, then there’s nothing else they can try but wait and see.  It’s horrible.

Dearest baby- sometimes I wonder why the Lord has us suffer so much in such a condensed amount of time.  Tonight as my pains worsened with cramping and back pain, fear completely overtook my body.   I was shaking and sobbing so violently that hardly a sound could come out.  Somehow all my excitement was gone and all my hope was lost.  Are you still with me?  Will you still be with me tomorrow?  Nothing seems to matter anymore.  Sometimes my life feels pointless to have my only important dreams feel like they shatter in an instant.  I’m not sure if you’re ok or not, but I don’t feel ok.  I don’t feel strong enough to handle this anymore.  I just want to fall into the earth and sleep and not be aware of anything for a while.  Your daddy put his hand on my belly and I could see the worry on his face and the sadness in his eyes.  Why do we have these challenges?  Is there any hope for us truly?  As I was shaking I was just praying in incomplete sentences.  Please God hold me in your arms. I’ve never felt so afraid.  Please God save my baby.  Save my baby.  What is my life even worth.  Will we ever be happy again without this pain eating us alive.  How am I to survive seeing my own extended family grow and grow without trouble without feeling such guilt and worthlessness that I want to hide from everyone?  Why do I not have the faith to overcome these horrible negative feelings?  Is there a miracle yet ahead or will tomorrow hold even more pain for us?  I feel so numb.  I feel so much grief and yet I don’t even know if you are gone.  I asked your daddy for another blessing because I felt so weak I thought I could never move again. 

The blessing spoke of God’s plan for our family, to which I feel impossibly blind and honestly, somewhat angry at right now because fear and anxiety and sorrow seems to be overtaking me without a problem.  I don’t want to give up hope.  There could still be good news tomorrow, but I have no idea how I’m going to sleep tonight to get to that time.  It’s just that after a 4^th loss in a row, if that’s what happens, if we lose you, I don’t know where we go from here.  We’ve tried so many variables of different things we think might help whatever problem we’re imagining is there.  It feels like we’re at the end of our options already even though I’m sure there could be many more painful years of experimenting ahead.  Here- try this and see if your baby survives this time. 

Baby- I hope you are a fighter.  I will try to keep fighting for you as long as I can.  This is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.

December 13, 2013

Dear baby- it is still dark out this morning and I am exhausted and have a pounding headache but I can’t sleep.  The dull aching has continued through the night.  I’m not sure what hurts the worst- my back, legs, or uterus.  I’m trying to hold out a little hope that it’s maybe being caused by some kind of growth spurt and not a loss.  I wish it would just stop for a little while so I could rest and not think about it.  I had nightmares all night about losing you.  I’m not sure how to get through this day.  I don’t think I could live with the pain of losing you.

Also just realized it’s Friday the 13^th…..great.

Just got back from getting blood drawn and just waiting on results.  It really could go either way at this point.  We could be seeing a miracle, and the pain could just be my back and hips, or we could be seeing a loss.  I’m so afraid of that.  I worry I didn’t have enough faith or that I’m not a good enough mother to be trusted with another.  I worry that I’m going to live my life with this hole in my heart. 

Lab is back.  Number was only 157.  That's only up 18 points, like 12 or 13% growth.  I guess I already knew- this is the same place I lost the last 3.  I don’t know why I can’t make it past this point.  My heart is broken and I don’t know where to go from here.  I don’t know how many years it will be before I have another child.  The pain I feel is numbing and I am so frustrated.  They have all these different ways of helping people to get pregnant- but none to help them keep it.  The Lord said he has a plan for me but right now I feel so alone and hurt.  I don’t even know how to be around my own family.  I don’t know if I can believe in miracles anymore.  I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with my life, and I hate my own body for being like this. 

I’m in so much pain and I’m feeling so angry and so hopeless.  Why would God withhold the one thing I want most?  Jack is looking more and more like a miracle and I don’t even know where to go from here.  I have no plan.  My life is feeling like a waste.  What aspirations do I have?  Do I have other dreams to fall back on?  Why do I have to suffer like this? 

I think my heart might fall right out of my chest to see my three sisters have their babies this year.  I hate that I'm not more supportive and involved in their pregnancies because I'm blinded by my own pain.  I have no idea what God wants me to be doing with my life.  I feel like I might need grief counseling- it’s eating me alive and has been for a long time.  I miss my brother Ben today.  He’s on his mission in Brazil, he’s one of my best friends and I miss him so much.  I’ll write the rest of my thoughts in an intro for this blog post.  

Relapse

I seriously considered not writing about this experience.  But in an effort to really make this blog part of my healing process, I think I need to put the ugly in with the good.  This whole story really caught me off guard and I want to write it carefully, because it’s a delicate thing and I don’t want to be offensive.  I learned some lessons though, and that’s what makes it important.  I went to a gender reveal party for someone very close to me, whom I love very much.  I am so thrilled about this little baby coming into the world, and all the joy this baby is bringing.  I’ve gotten to the point in my healing process where I don’t get nervous about these parties anymore; I realize that they may cause me to twinge here and there in remembrance, but I want to take part in the celebrating! I don’t want to be that person that lets their personal issues ruin a party, or be selfish enough to make something joyful all about ME, not about the baby.  I don’t want people to tip toe around me, and I don’t want to be excluded from events.  My dedication to these ideas usually helps me swallow anything difficult and have a sincerely good time! 

For some reason, this time was different and I had a “relapse” if you will, of all the progress I’ve made.  At least that’s how it felt.  The start of the party was really fun and exciting and I was having a good time.  Seeing the decorations about “welcome baby” and such made me think of the baby that I was due with in about 2.5 months from now, and that was hard, but I swallowed that feeling and looked at Jack and thought about how grateful I was, and continued to have a good time.  We started passing around ultrasound pictures and that’s when it started, this feeling of sorrow, spreading from my heart to all my limbs.  It really caught me off guard because it honestly had nothing to do with this beautiful child, and I learned that grief sometimes just has triggers.  Though I had tears behind my eyes, I wouldn’t let them come out.  That would be so selfish and rude.  So I told myself to adjust my attitude and marvel at the wonder that I was in front of me.  So everyone continued to talk about the excitement this baby would bring to the older siblings, to the family, and such.  I wholeheartedly agreed but tried not to talk too much for fear of everything spilling out. 

We all popped in the DVD of the ultrasound and that was my breaking point.  I look on the screen to see this perfect heartbeat- it was like a fairy tale.  How does this really happen?  I push down the bitter feelings that “people take this for granted”- I know that’s a reaction, I know that’s not true.  I felt like a monster- how could watching this amazing heartbeat on an innocent child bring up this poison from inside me?  That’s when I learned again- trigger.  It had nothing to do with the baby, it was just a trigger.  It was a gateway.  When I looked at that ultrasound, my mind was far away.  In my last ultrasound appointment. 

It was the middle of the night, in an emergency room.  I was alone, across the country from my husband.  I was laying on a cold bed, bleeding, having uncaring strangers shoving probes and needles in wherever they so pleased.  They were looking, hunting really, for any sign of life in me.  It was gone.  They only found remnants of what had been there.  I remember trying to watch the screen as they did the ultrasound, praying to see anything.  There was no heart beat.  There was no perfectly formed organs or movement.  That memory smells like a hospital- like latex gloves and bandaids.  I was freezing, I thought the shivering would never stop.  My back was in horrendous pain that didn’t ease up until I took some prescription pain killers hours later.  I felt disgusted with myself for having to change clothes because of the bleeding when I finally got home.  I felt condemned when I told the doctor who came into my makeshift room that this was the third time in a row, and I knew how it was going to go.  I remember him trying to be hopeful saying my HCG was just low, until I told him my previous numbers from home.  He saw how drastically it had dropped and he just shook his head.  My phone stopped working when I tried to call my husband, and ironically enough, my mom who I was visiting was with my younger brother, who had fallen and hit his head and was also in the ER.  He showed up less than an hour after I got there.  I felt so alone.  It was the ultimate feeling of loneliness.  I didn’t know the hospital staff, my mother wasn’t there, my husband wasn’t there, my baby was dead.  It was an awful night in my life.  I talked to God for a long time, and He helped take some of that loneliness away.  Eventually, my mom rushed back to my room, and my phone started working again, and I got to go home.  Things got better, but I had to learn to suppress the pain of that memory if I was ever to have a happy life again!  It was very easy to fall into depression after a third loss in a row, because it felt hopeless and I felt worthless. 

I feel that I’ve done a good job overcoming that, and that’s why I was so shocked to feel this deep pain well up inside me when I watched that video.  It was physical.  It felt like I was having a heart attack.  Kevin wasn’t there with me and I once again felt alone in a room full of people.  Later that night, when Kevin got home from work I asked him if we could just go for a drive, to get some fresh air.  That’s when the tears came.  I was so relived they did because I felt this building pressure inside of me and I didn’t know how to get relief.  I tried to tell him how I felt and what had happened but all that came out was uncontrollable sobbing.  I was so ashamed of myself.  Haven’t I made it past this point yet?  When I could start talking I spoke of my fear and anxiety that this pain will never go away.  I spoke of my fear that even if I make it to the point in a pregnancy where I can have a beautiful ultrasound of my own that I will never be able to relax and feel confident that the baby will live, and be delivered normally and healthily.  I’ve never had a late loss, but in my doctor’s appointments I’ve been forced to accept that possibility, though they assure me they are sure that risk is low.  I have a family member that had two stillborn children; she has blood issues similar to mine.  I know that possibility is there.  Will I ever enjoy being pregnant again?  Will I enjoy feeling that life, or will the anxiety take over?  I’m sure I will always enjoy having a life grow inside me, even if I can just hold onto them for a few short weeks.  But I miss the ignorance I had with my pregnancy with Jack.  Things went perfectly and I didn’t think anything of it, because that’s just how they were supposed to go.  When I found out I was pregnant, it was simple in my mind that I would deliver a baby.  I will never have that again, it will never be that simple.  That’s hard to swallow.  I talked to Kevin about lots of other things relating to losing babies or having babies in the future, and just things in our relationship that have to do with all of it. 

Even though I’m not proud of this “relapse” I had, I realize it is healthy to just let it happen when it needs to.  Let the grief come out, and take that moment, then move on and continue to be happy.  So, to you, new baby that I was blessed to see last night.  I am so thankful that you have a perfect healthy brain, and heart, and organs. You are beautiful and your coming into this world will bring so many joy.  I’m sorry that something so wonderful could take me back to a memory so horrible but I have the hope that someday I will see a miracle in my life as precious as you are.         

Happy

A few days ago I had my appointment with a specialist at a Maternal Fetal Medicine clinic in a hospital near Salt Lake.  It was a wonderful appointment and I feel like it was extremely productive in answering my questions.  The best part was- we came up with a plan. A plan! I know I still have decisions to make and research to do, but I don’t feel like I have these looming questions about what I am going to do and when.  Here is the non-medical jargon plan in a nutshell.

     1.  Go off of my hormonal birth control for now, to let everything even out and have my natural normal cycles.  This is what I wanted to do so I’m glad she agreed.

     2.  Start on the baby aspirin daily, right now.  My doctors have told me that because of my blood clotting risks I’m a candidate to take aspirin all the time, but I usually avoid medications unless it’s really necessary.  If I keep my blood thin for a few months before getting pregnant my chances are better.  The only thing I was worried about with the aspirin was that it could mess with effective implantation and give the pregnancy a bad start.  She told me that chemically that didn’t make any sense to her- and the aspirin shouldn’t affect the beginning placenta because of the way it attaches.  I’ve been able to get pregnant easily on aspirin before, and it seems like if it caused problems it would have taken me longer.  I was still on the fence then I was reading some clinical studies online and read that if anything the aspirin makes it easier to get pregnant and keep it because it increases uterine blood flow.  When I read that I felt confident that this would be a good choice for my body and not harmful to the baby.  I started on aspirin with Jack at 5 weeks 5 days and we noticed no negative results with him. So I started aspirin today.  Bring on the nosebleeds.  I’m also starting my prenatals again to feel nice and energized and healthy for a few months beforehand.

      3.  The Lovenox issue.  I mean, granted I hate the shots, but also I was wondering the effectiveness of them.  Every time I would lose a baby the OBs would say “more blood thinners! Stronger! Sooner!” But the more I learned about what’s going on inside my body and what science said, it didn’t make a whole lot of sense to me. I know that Lovenox is a miracle for many women, but I’m not sure if it makes sense for me. Talking to the doctors who knew more about it, their opinion was “since you’ve never had a blood clot, if you have a viable pregnancy the aspirin should take care of it.”  Fortunately for me the specialist agreed and shed some additional light. She said without a history of blood clots, and especially taking Lovenox in pregnancy, the drug actually acts as more of an anti-inflammatory rather than an anti-coagulant! Who knew! She said they’ve had the same anti-inflammatory results just from supplementing with progesterone! Which was my next question anyway, I really wanted to look into this supplementation.

      4.  Progesterone.  I’ve known that this helps prevent miscarriages way before I ever had one.  But they checked my levels with the last two and they were “fine.” However, I had severe back labor pains when I lost the babies and I’ve read that can be a sign of your progesterone dropping.  Without that hormone your body can’t keep the pregnancy.  The other wonderful thing about this stuff is that as far as risk versus benefit, there’s not really a risk (not when we’re talking high risk pregnancy anyway).  My question was, if it can’t hurt, might help, can I just do it?  While there’s not a huge amount of scientific proof available to say that progesterone works miracles, I’ve known people it has worked for.  You just take it during the first trimester usually.  She agreed with my logic and especially since it would act similarly to Lovenox in an anti-inflammatory way.  If it helps me keep the next baby, I’m willing to try about anything.  She wrote me a prescription and I picked it up to keep on hand.  She was amazing to do that.  Half my problem is that from the time I take a positive test to the time I lose the babies is usually 2-3 weeks.  It’s hard to get an appointment, call in, get the rx, etc.  So I just have it on hand.  That way as soon as I take a positive test, I can start supplementation the same day.  Amazing load off my mind. I was wondering about my progesterone anyway.  While it may have been fine with Jack, my body chemistry was very different back then.  My thyroid didn’t crash until I stopped breastfeeding so I can only imagine it changed all of my hormones and any balance I may have had in that area.

       5.  Tracking.  I told her that worst case scenario I was worried that if I have to lose my next baby, we wouldn’t be able to learn everything we needed to about when so that we could figure out the why.  If you do HCG readings a week apart you never quite know when the numbers drop.  Our plan is for me to call as soon as I’m pregnant- and they will do HCG blood draws every other day to check the growth.  Once I reach HCG 2000 I will have an ultrasound once a week until they see a nice strong heartbeat, at which time I can go back to my regular OB.  They feel if I get to that point everything will be fine.  What I wouldn’t give to see and hear and beautiful healthy heart on a monitor!!  They would also track my thyroid to make sure it’s not adding to the problem. 

We talked about that “luteal placenta shift” which is where I seem to lose the babies, and basically concluded if I can get past that little bump in the pregnancy that everything should do just fine.  I pray the progesterone would see me through that difficult transition to the placenta nourishing the baby and making the hormones.  I would hope the aspirin keeps the placenta healthy enough to do so.  All my lupus and APS antibodies came back negative recently so I am so thankful that is not a factor now. 

I feel happy.  I feel hopeful.  I feel validated.  I don’t feel like all is lost, I’m not despairing.  For the first time in a long time, I actually feel excited.  They told me I’ve been wise to wait to try again and now that it’s nearing the 6^th month mark, it’s fine with them for us to try again.  We are not quite there yet, but it is comforting to have the green flag from the doctor and have a plan in place.  I just need to remember to stay at peace- if it’s time, everything will be ok.  If I can just get past that point where I’ve lost them before.  I just need to trust my body can do the rest.  If I just need to sit and do nothing for the first few weeks, to mentally focus and “protect” my belly, my doctor told me that is totally ok!  They are going to monitor everything, so if I have to lose another, we should have the data to at least help us understand when.  I don’t have any huge disorders that are screaming “this is why you lost the babies” but I have enough small problems collectively that might continue to cause issues- even though they have ruled out causation for some of those problems.  I realize now that I might have losses sometimes and other times I’ll have healthy  children.  Hopefully.  And really, there is no good science for any of this.  We’re just trying our best.  I feel like I’ve done everything I can do.  The doctor complimented me on being wise in my thinking, asking good questions, and doing my research.  That helps put my mind at ease. 

Today God’s grace has filled my soul and  I feel His warmth, and that gift, at least for today, has taken my pain away and filled it with hope. 

I was so glad to have a doctor who is so experienced in this type of medicine, but also who clearly had a heart!  And actually, it was really comforting to talk to a woman, as most of my doctors have been men. 

Part of me has disassociated being pregnant with having a new baby.  So I really need to make sure I’m ready for another child, not just another pregnancy.  I need to be prepared for a miracle.  I know we need to make it a matter of prayer and really talk to the Lord about it so I know it’s the right time.  Only He knows what will happen, and only He really knows my heart and whether it is ready for either outcome.  I also want to pray about the “plan” to confirm I should feel good about every aspect. 

I can’t honestly say my fear is gone.  I’ll be in the middle of a happy thought and it creeps up and strangles it out of me but I don’t want to live in fear.  Blogging has been really healthy for me.  I’ve been considering whether or not I want to blog about my experiences if I do become pregnant sometime in the recent future.  Most of the time people wait to announce for privacy and in case of the worst- but that’s pretty much all out in the open with me!  I may write and just choose to publish those posts later depending on the outcome.  But I thank my readers because I can feel support in numbers alone and also in your comments.

I sat up in bed last night just crying- not a sad cry necessarily- just contemplating everything and all these decisions I need to make.  Tears just kept streaming down my cheeks for a long time.  I think it’s just because it's really important.  It wouldn't be so hard if it wasn't so important. Things have been working out and falling into place with all these new doctors and I have to take that as some sort of a signal that we are on the right path and doing what we are supposed to be doing now.  I need to trust that I'll know in my heart when it is time to try again, despite the crushing fear.  I have to trust that if God tells me it's time to try again if I so desire, that either the blessing of a child, or the struggle of a 4th loss will be what we need in our family at that time. I just need to trust that He knows when and why, and all I can do is all I can do.

Getting Back Into It

It’s been a long time since I’ve written.  I haven’t stopped thinking about writing, but I made a decision to really try to put everything on the shelf for a little while.  Whenever my thoughts started to get crowded about everything to do with my health, my future babies, and the babies I’ve lost, I really had to just tell myself “I’m not going to think about this right now, I need a break.”  So I took one, and it has been really healthy for me.  The issues are never far from my thoughts, but choosing to ignore them at least for a little while has helped me heal.  Now I feel stronger and more ready to face the battles ahead.  I’m not as sensitive as I was, and though the pain is still there I’ve learned to live with it in a way that still allows me to be happy.  Some may call it denial or lying to myself by trying not to ignore everything for a few months, but I think my brain and my heart just needed a break, and now I’m ready to get back into it.

Even though the stress or overwhelming feelings still creep up, and even though sadness can suddenly hit me in the middle of a normal day, I have spent fewer nights crying and more time laughing.  I’m starting to get to the point where I can genuinely talk to friends and family members who are expecting without talking myself through every sentence and trying to keep the tears from coming. I’ve learned to tell myself “It’s their time right now; your time will come again someday.  Celebrate this time of life with them, because you’ll want support when it’s your turn too, despite what they are dealing with in their lives.” 

And amazingly, the less I feel bitter, the more I feel that we are in the exact right place that we need to be in.  I’ve been learning to trust God's will above my wants, and continually remind myself that this is where He wants our family to be now, and this is the size that He wants us to stay for a while longer.  And that attitude has brought me happiness.  There are times now when I am playing with Jack that I am so overcome with joy.  He’s not a baby anymore, and so we are interacting on a whole new level.  I am getting to know him, with all of his special traits and gifts.  He is so bright, loving, funny, sweet, thoughtful, and intelligent.  I really am blessed to have this special time with him and be able to focus on his needs more than I would if I also had a small baby at this time.  Though it’s not what I wanted, I’ve really come to see it as a blessing and until the day comes that we are blessed with another child I want to enjoy the privilege I have of focusing on an only child, and everything that entails.  Parents with one child simply get to live life differently than parents with more than one, for the most part.  I’m trying to look for the good in it. For example... I wouldn’t trade being married to my husband for anything, but there are those times I remember the benefits that were around when I was single.  Before I had a family, I had to focus on my goals, my career plans, my schedule, my tastes, my budget, etc etc.  I wouldn’t go back, because being single was hard too in different ways.  But I remember the good that was there that I somewhat took for granted.  I imagine it is the same when you go from one child to two.  So I’m trying to see those benefits now. 

I’ve been looking for opportunities to share my story or help others in similar circumstances, and those moments have presented themselves.  I realize I am able to have a level of empathy for people that I would not otherwise have, and hopefully, be able to bless lives I wouldn’t otherwise be able to bless.  It’s not all sunshine and butterflies but small victories play such a huge part in the overall mental health I’ve had lately.  One experience I was grateful to have was finding out that October is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month.  I was able to spend some time on the internet reading some stories that women have shared, pictures of their babies who only lived a short time, stories of miscarriages, and every imaginable thing in between.  Though it is sad, I did feel empowered to belong to a group of such strong women who can go on with hope and honor the memories of their children who they carried but did not get to meet, who were born sleeping, or only lived a short while.  And on the 15^th I will be able to participate in what is called the “Wave of Light” where at 7-8pm a candle is lit for each baby that you are mourning.  Though I often try to put these experiences out of my mind, I know it is important to take time for sacred moments to remember, and to honor, the start of life that I was not able to bring into the world.  To take that hour to have a moment of silence, to remember, pray, to cry a little, then move on a little stronger.  I really appreciate that Ronald Regan took the time to bring awareness to this issue, along with awareness of those who have been through traumatic abortions.  He wanted to encourage more adoption and less abortion, as so many who have chosen abortion have suffered with that decision for years after.  Here is part of his speech from 1988:

“Each year, approximately a million pregnancies in the United States end in miscarriage, stillbirth, or the death of the newborn child. National observance of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, 1988, offers us the opportunity to increase our understanding of the great tragedy involved in the deaths of unborn and newborn babies. It also enables us to consider how, as individuals and communities, we can meet the needs of bereaved parents and family members and work to prevent causes of these problems... The Congress, by Senate Joint Resolution 314, has designated the month of October 1988 as ``Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month'' and authorized and requested the President to issue a proclamation in observance of this month.” –Ronald Regan

I guess we are always learning lessons as moms, which is a good thing.  I’ve been thinking about sacrifice lately.  We all know that parents sacrifice a lot for their children, and that’s what makes our love for them so strong.  This week I’ve had an experience that’s reminded me of that.  I am so blessed to stay home with Jack, we stay busy and are the “glue” of the household.  With running the errands, doing the budget, planning appointments, laundry, coloring together, playing pretend, and everything else that goes on we certainly have plenty to do.  With Kevin quitting his second job and being in the process of getting a new second job, he really needs to be available to work from 6 or 7 in the morning to 7 or 8 at night. As of now, this will most likely be his new schedule.  As every stay at home mom does, sometimes I get these cravings to go out and have success in a new way.  I know I am busy with school right now training in Medical Transcription Editing, but I also have a Bachelor’s Degree in music that I worked really hard for a long time to have.  Sometimes I want to be using that degree.  Especially when money gets tight and I think about the money I could be making as a professional.  I know it’s not much when you compare careers on the internet, but for us right now, even a little extra money helps a lot.  I had this job offer of sorts to be the music teacher to three boys who are homeschooled.  I got so excited, it was only going to be two hours a week, but at 20 bucks an hour that helps a bit.  But when we really examined the situation, the gas to get to and from Salt Lake was a lot in comparison to what I was making.  Then the big problem- if Kevin is busy from 7-7 and they live a half hour away, when was I going to teach? It didn’t make enough to where he wouldn’t need a second job.  I couldn’t take Jack with me, and I couldn’t leave him here.  Even if the students came to my house, Jack would be pulling at me the whole time and that’s not fair to the students.  Drop in daycare would cost as much as I would make.  I knew in my heart it was just going to cause us more stress than anything else.  Especially with me in school right now, it’s not really a good time for me to try and pick up new students and build any kind of a business. I don’t really teach piano and I can’t teach drum set, which is what people are mostly interested in.  We could move at any time if we hear back from the grad schools we are still applying to.  It’s a hard sacrifice sometimes not to work.  Honestly at times it sounds like a welcome break from losing my mind being “at home” all the time.  It’s not that I’m not busy now, it just is tempting to get out of the house, make a contribution, make some money, teach kids a love for music and all of those rewarding things.  I had lesson plans and fun ideas racing through my mind and I think I felt sad because I could have been really good at it.  Then I look at Jack and think- it would have been hard on him, and me.  Some dreams you just have to put on hold to live out better dreams.  And that, is what sacrifice means as a parent.  I always kind of assumed I would either be working, or stay at home and have lots of babies.  It has been an interesting situation for me to not be able to feasibly work even part time (day care preschool costs are outrageous) and stay home with one baby.  Sometimes I feel like “What am I supposed to be doing with my life?  I can’t go out and have a career.  Also I can’t have any more babies right now.”  It can be confusing but all I need to know now is that I’m Jack’s mommy and that’s enough. 

Wow this is getting long.  Sorry.  With that huge lead in, I’ve decided we want to start preparing with our doctors and have a plan for when we want to try again.  If I start working on a plan, I can remind myself of the faith and hope we have that someday it will work.  I go through physical actions to strengthen what I try to feel in my heart.  I have an apt to see a specialist on Wednesday.  They got me in with only about 6 weeks notice, so that is pretty impressive for this area of medicine.  He specializes in pregnancy loss and blood diseases, so I pray that this is the right doctor for us.

Before I could go to the specialist, I knew I needed to establish a regular OB to work with.  I searched around on the internet and found a clinic pretty close that I felt good about.  I had an apt with my new doctor a few weeks ago.  I was just planning on going in for a quick thyroid check, to make sure the new dosage is working.  I was going to briefly tell him my history just so he knew the situation and basically tell him, I’ll meet with the specialist and let you know if I need anything.  I was so wrong about this appointment, in a very good way!  Turns out he wanted to know a lot about my miscarriages.  You know how sometimes we see tender mercies from the Lord plain as day right when they happen?  That’s what happened here.  He explained to me that his wife is Protein S deficient (causes blood clotting problems similar to what I have experienced).  She also has had three miscarriages, and she experienced a 28 weeks loss on top of that.  I hope I never have to have that horrible experience.  As if that wasn’t strange enough that they’ve had the same situation, when I told him I have the rarer type of MTHFR, he told me he has that too!  He was able to explain more about it to me.  I felt so loved by God to find this doctor who has dealt with the same health problems and losses as us in his own family.  I take his opinion very seriously because he is telling me about his own children.  They have had losses and they have also had more children.  She actually is pregnant right now.  His wife has done a combination of aspirin and lovenox injections just like me.  He hates the shots as much as me, what?! This opinion is so different from any of my other doctors!  He doesn’t see how they are necessary considering my medical history.  I won’t go into all the details, but he just thinks that if the pregnancy is viable then aspirin will suffice.  The baby his wife delivered when she was on Lovenox survived, but he was early and very small (problems with intrauterine growth restriction) and there were complications with the placenta.  Scary shots.  That’s kind of how I felt all along.  And I often thought about how Jack was fine when I just took aspirin.  He talked about more details (which I won’t bore you with) about why he feels that way.  I felt very validated in my opinions by him.  I felt less afraid to try again just using aspirin, and not as guilty.  It was hard for me to distinguish whether I felt bad about doing the shots just because they are horribly painful or if they actually weren’t good for me.  We talked about genetic testing a little, but we aren’t too interested in that at this moment because most likely it won’t bring any helpful news, it’s insanely expensive, and wouldn’t probably change a plan of action anyway.  We talked about progesterone supplementation and a few other things.  He told me which questions to take to my specialist.  Here’s the next amazing thing- his wife is seeing the same specialist as me.  Validated.  I think I found the right doctor! I don’t know when we will decide to try for another baby, our life is kind of in limbo at the moment and I have to take that into consideration despite the difficulty I feel in waiting.  I try to find excitement in getting as healthy as I can and getting as much information as I can so that next time, we can be totally ready.  It will have been at least 6 months since the last miscarriage, and most likely at least 8 before we decide to try again, and I pray that my body will have healed and recovered much better as opposed to the 2-3 months in between the other pregnancies. 

Unfortunately the tests my new OB did came back to show that my Protein S and C are low (we are not sure if that means I am technically deficient yet or not).  So now not only do I have two things in my blood that increase clotting risk; we know that my body’s natural defense against blood clots isn’t working very well. So, double whammy there.  What I hope for at this time is healthy children in the future, while accepting that I will probably experience more losses as well in between those blessings.  I look forward to my specialist appointment and I hope I can feel the spirit as he talks to us so that I can know what is right for our family now.