MIRACLES:
Weeks like the one we had last week are
hard. You feel like you hit rock
bottom. You wonder why it has to be so
hard. Why did we crash the car on the
way to the fertility clinic? Why did it
have to eat up all the savings we had for the tests?
And then, God's love happens. We did our best to trust in Him, and then he
reminded us how much He loves us.
An anonymous family in the area heard
what happened to us. Apparently, they
put aside a little money each month so that once a year they can serve a
family. They left a check for the exact
cost of our deductible. I was sobbing.
God loves us. I am beyond
humbled. I knelt down and through my
tears, thanked Heavenly Father. He
already knew the financial burden would be lifted and we just had to trust Him.
If He had a plan for our financial
needs, of course He has a plan for our future children.
It was hard to accept the money (really
hard), but I know it's a blessing from God through righteous people, and they
will be blessed also because of their kindness and generosity. They embody Christlike love. I want to be like that family. Someday, we will have the chance to pay it
forward.
The car accident did get us thinking about taking
our fertility plans in a different direction.
But it also provided an opportunity for Heavenly Father to show His love
for us. It gave Him a chance to bless us
if we could trust Him. It gave another
family the opportunity to serve. It gave
us the chance to see the example of this anonymous family and strive to be more
like them. God is good. He is our loving Father.
One of the blessings of going through really hard trials
is seeing amazing blessings along the way.
It’s amazing because I was just collecting my
thoughts and writing for another post when this happened. We’ve discovered some hopeful medical
information and have been trying to decide what direction to go in next. It’s interesting now to read what I JUST
wrote a few hours ago. My perspective
has changed so much already. We may
still wait on some of the testing, but I’ve been so blessed for the little
faith that I have.
Writing from a few hours earlier (amazing how much
my attitude has changed):
It's so frustrating to feel like we've
tried so many things. Pregnancy without
intervention, specialists, waiting for long stretches, going to fertility
clinics, etc. And the answer is always
"no." over and over "no no no." Just once I wish the answer would be
"yes." That we would find
hope, or good news, or witness a miracle and have a live birth. I try to trust that Heavenly Father has a
better idea or plan for us down the road; but, the longer we go without good
news the harder that faith is to find.
It's hard to know if I'm being faithful
or just being impatient. Moving into our
current apartment seemed irresponsible, because we didn't have work or a way to
pay for it, but we felt strongly we should move in, and when we acted on (what
I hoped was) faith, it worked out. Is
this the same thing? Or are we just
pushing for what we want instead of listening for the Lord's will? When emotions are so strong it's hard to
discern between feelings.
I talked to my friend who is a nurse,
who called me a medical mystery, but felt like if she were me, she would try
again for a pregnancy on the active folic acid.
She thinks there is a good chance it could make a difference for
us. She had a friend who suffered a few
miscarraiges, and two still births before she was put on active folate, and
then had healthy twins. That was
reassuring.
I talked to another friend who has been
like family to me for years. She
reminded me of the eternal perspective.
If we want to see if we can have a healthy pregnancy on active folate,
and progesterone before completing every test possible everything will be
ok. She said even if the worst happens,
nothing is lost for us if we're righteous, and then we will know for certain
that we need to spend the money to have every possible test done. And how much of a miracle would it be, if the
baby was healthy, and we were spared from going through the process of
extensive fertility and DNA testing?
I'm so thankful to have talked to these
friends of mine because sometimes it's hard to see my own faith until it's
reflected back in their testimonies.
Because I agree with everything they've said. I know that financially the extensive testing
is quite a way down the road. I know
that we have a decent chance of resolving the problem with the new discoveries
we've already found. I probably wouldn't
be headed down this direction if it wasn't for the car crash, but here we
are.
I think I keep waiting for a big
spiritual sign of which direction we should go in. Wait, try, save for testing, or some Plan C I
haven't thought of yet. But church this
week reminded me that sometimes God wants us to decide and act, and trust in
Him that He will make everything work out as we are doing our best, and according
to His plan.
I feel a little better because I don't
think that patience is my problem right now.
If I knew with a certainty that I needed to wait another year (like an
angel came down and told me that) I could certainly do it, and focus on my life
happening now, and find happiness. It's
the feeling that maybe it is time to act that gets me. I worry I'm not doing enough. I think as I prepare and continually pray,
peace will come about what to do. We
will follow that reassurance and trust that Heavenly Father has a plan for our
family.
I'm still so thankful for the clinic,
and I still think it is wise to work with them if we choose to attempt
pregnancy. They can still offer more
help early on than anywhere else. The
doctor advised to not attempt pregnancy until every test was completed (which
is wise, of course) but being in doctoral school, and living mostly on loans,
we will really have to decide if that's what God wants us to do.
While writing this, I stumbled on a huge
tender mercy from another blog. This
woman’s story sounds EXACTLY like mine, and it is reassuring to see her success
with what we are considering!
“MTHFR is a genetic mutation. I have the
homozygous scenario --Two of my genes (1 A and 1 C) are mutated, or broken, or
whatever.
Here's how my doctor explained this to
me... People with MTHFR factor don't produce folic acid, vitamin B6 and vitamin
B12. So, wohoo ... one might think, big deal! But on the contrary, it IS a big
deal! Women with MTHFR factor have spontaneous miscarriages between 5th and 6th
weeks (uh, that would be me--4 of them), and a lack of B6 and B12 directly
affects rapidly reproducing cells... and that would be what an embryo does. In
fact, a lack of B6 and B12 causes rapidly reproducing cells to STOP
reproducing. So, my doctor put me on a massive cocktail of Baby Aspirin, Folic
Acid, Vitamin B6 and B12... and I do mean MASSIVE ... and -- WOW... what a
difference! I got an instant jolt of energy, and come to find out, that's how I
should have been feeling if I didn't have this MTHFR factor!
I take 2 milligrams of Folic Acid, 100
mg of B6, and 250 micrograms of B12. I also took (notice I say
"took") a baby aspirin daily until I had a positive pregnancy test in
February. Then, I only stopped the aspirin, but continued everything else.
Surprisingly, my prenatal vitamin only had 1 milligram of Folic Acid, 3
milligrams of B6, and 8 micrograms of B12. That's nothing in comparison with
what I take now!!! By the way... I take regular old over the counter vitamins.
I could get a prescription for the Folic acid, but why bother. It's cheap
enough.
I started this cocktail back in
November. I had my next IVF transfer in January, and am now, for the first time
in my life, carrying a healthy and happy baby. I'm 15 weeks pregnant. After 15
years (that's not a typo!) of non-stop trying to get pregnant with a ton of
different doctors, I'm finally pregnant ... I just want to cry tears of joy
each time I think of our baby, or see him or her on the ultrasound machine. My
heart is overflowing with joy!
And ... I know, beyond a shadow of a
doubt, that this diagnosis and corrective action (vitamin cocktail) is what my
successful pregnancy is attributed to.”
Reading this I feel confident that these
issues are related to our losses, if not the only cause. And I can’t help but wonder, “how...is...jack...here...”
Because, miracles. That’s how.
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