*First of all, I apologize for the length of this post. There were several stories and events I wanted to touch on that have formed my current attitude and situation. Perhaps I shouldn't leave so much time between posts.
Ever feel like no matter what direction you
go in, it seems to be the wrong direction and nothing works out? That’s how we’ve been feeling lately. But I’ll get to all of that later on. These past few months have been really
hard! We’ve had so much hope that we’re
headed in the right direction. And we’ve
encountered so many obstacles that we either really are on the right path, and
are facing adversity, or on the totally wrong path. You can’t force things to work out- you just
have to have the faith that if you do your best, things will work themselves
out. But doing your best isn’t just a cliché.
I mean, you really have to do the very
best you can, all the time.
I met a few people over the past couple of months that have shared things with me, that have changed my attitude a bit.
One of these people was a man I met just the day after our fertility consultation. He came in to my work (The Vitamin Shoppe) specifically wanting the active form of B12. He told me he had a genetic predisposition that made it impossible for his body to process inactive B vitamins. I asked him if he had MTHFR. Turns out he did, just like me. We talked about it for a while. I told him it wasn't diagnosed for me until we had experienced several miscarriages. It wasn't diagnosed for him for a long time either, until after he had been experiencing seizures. I couldn't believe that, seizures! He explained that once he got on activated B vitamins, the seizures stopped. I knew that B vitamins were really important for the nervous system, but he explained in greater detail how critical they are, even for things like nourishing the myelin sheaths. It was after this conversation that I realized what a big deal active folic acid could be for me. Folate is critical when cells are dividing and growing very quickly (hello, early pregnancy.) If the growing baby had no access to folic acid because I wasn't absorbing any, it doesn't seem so crazy to think I would have miscarried several times. Especially in combination with my blood issues. Kevin and I were excited at the prospect that just maybe, we've found an answer that could help bring us a healthy baby. Also after learning that, we are even more confused how Jack made it here happy and healthy. But, he is simply a miracle and the exception to everything else we learn about my health problems.
I'm thankful my medical doctor understood the importance of vitamins, especially in their active form. Kevin and I started on high quality vitamins right away. I wanted to get the prescription prenatal, but even after insurance it's more than 100 dollars a month (though I think I can get it half price somewhere). My doctor said it was fine to take everything separately if it was more cost effective. Since I work in supplements and get a discount, it was less money to split everything up. Vitamins have taken over my kitchen. I've done research and am glad I have access to the best stuff! Now I'm not only taking metafolin, but the quatrefolic form as well.
The second person I spoke to who changed my attitude was a woman I met at work. She came as a representative for one of our companies. My heart when out to this woman because she had known a life with great tragedy. She had married young and had three children close together. While her children were still very young, her husband committed suicide. She has since remarried and had two more children, but it's obvious that those dark days from the past leave some scars. We were discussing supplementation, specifically in regards to hormonal supplementation for women. She asked if I had ever taken hormones and asked if I had ever had trouble with pregnancy. When I told her yes and explained the things I'd tried with our losses, she asked "How far would you make it with the babies?" When I told her I hadn't made it past 2 months since being pregnant with Jack, she sighed and said "Well that's a relief, at least it wasn't devastating then." I think my jaw about hit the floor. Not only was that incredibly offensive, but it is the very definition of devastation in my mind! It is so devastating to do everything you can to try and preserve a life, and to lose it so soon again and again. I think what was most shocking to me is that this woman was no stranger to pain, loss, mourning, loneliness, and devastation. I am in no way trying to compare our trials or saying my losses were as horrible as having a spouse take their own life, I would never say that. What it taught me however, was to develop empathy for others. I remembered so clearly in that moment, that I need to allow my pain and sadness help me to feel more compassionate towards those around me and understand their pain, even if it is from a very different circumstance.
The third person I spoke to who had an impact on me was a Zumba instructor I met at the Rec Center. She taught the Zumba class that I forced myself to go to. I could tell she was pregnant and starting to show. She made an announcement to the class that it would be her last time teaching because she has a really hard time staying pregnant. Turns out that's why she was showing so clearly at only 6 weeks, she had been through more pregnancies than she could number. I went and spoke to her after class, and gave her a hug. It is so comforting to find people who are going through the same kind of anxiety. She and her husband have an 8 year old and a 2 year old. She said between the two children they had gone through countless losses, and some stillborns. They never found anything wrong with the babies. They've never found anything wrong with her. It was comforting to see her strength- like she had accepted her trial and took ownership of it. It helped me settle into the idea that having children will not be easy for me- it probably never will be. The sooner I accept that the better. She had no shame about trying over and over for a healthy pregnancy, despite any negative feedback she received from others. She told me "The surefire way to NOT ever have another baby, is to stop trying. You just have to keep trying." It's a vicious cycle of pain, but I can only imagine the joy when a miracle finally comes. During the losses, you heal, you trust God, you give it some time, and then, you try again. When you feel that maternal/paternal force telling you that another child belongs in your family, you follow that feeling. It's important, no matter if the child stays with you on Earth, or waits for you in Heaven. She helped me solidify the fact that I was ready for the next step.
The next step was getting the implanon removed. I was worried about it for days. I kept telling myself "it won't be as bad as you think." Oh, but it was, and worse. Since I have such a hard time getting numb, they really did quite the number on my arm. It was so hard to sit still when I felt like I was being tortured. Kevin said it looked like they were just filleting my arm with the needle. I have some pretty interesting scars from the procedure now. The worst part was that I had some sort of a reaction to the steri-strips and it caused my skin to stick and blister. Water burned like acid, and trying to removing the strips took hours, because it was just taking the skin with it. I ended up using Vaseline, qtips, tweasers, and scissors. #implanon #neveragain. Seriously, it was awful. I'm so glad it's over now.
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| aftermath |
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| trying to get the strips off without taking the skin off |
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| ironically looks like a smiley face |
Kevin and I have had a girl's name picked out for years, in case we ever had a daughter. Sometimes when we dream about our next child, we imagine a girl with this name. It's my happy thought. The name is from a song. It's not a popular song, and it's an old song now, but it embodies this precious dream that we have. On the 4th of July weekend, we were out to dinner (just the two of us) and suddenly this special song came on the radio. I don't know exactly why it made me so emotional, but I just burst into tears, right there at the table. I just felt like it was a sign, like Heavenly Father was telling me not to give up on my dream. Kevin smiled and grabbed my hand and said "She's going to come someday. She really is."
I later tried to talk the incident down, not wanting to get my hopes up. Only a month later, the same thing happened when Jack and I picked up Kevin from school to grab some lunch. When I heard the song coming through the radio, I cried, again. I thanked God for this tender mercy and little boost of hope. I don't remember hearing this song on the radio for years and years, and suddenly, twice in a month. I remembered that God loves me. It is so hard to stay positive. But the way I see it, either things stay the same with this situation, or they get better. I've survived it so far, so I can just look forward with hope to when it gets better. It is just so scary to believe in miracles. It leaves you vulnerable. But I guess that's the point, or else it wouldn't be faith.
It was after these little signs that I started getting impatient again. After learning how important the new vitamins were, we wondered, "Do we really need to do all those other tests? If the vitamin and progesterone alone solve our problem, we could avoid so much emotional and financial stress. It's a probable solution. Or would we be risking a life if we didn't take every step we could into investigating what might be going on with my body during pregnancy? Is all the testing necessary?" I prayed and prayed about it, but didn't feel a specific answer, and so we just waited and did nothing for a while. Aside from scraping our budget and trying our best to save money for tests.
We decided to write down our goals that would help us feel "ready." Not because we didn't want to try right away, but because we
knew we probably shouldn't yet.
Pregnancy is a very stressful and emotionally trying time for us-
especially because we somewhat expect them to only last a few weeks. It has to be a time when we're healthy
physically and also ready spiritually to handle whatever comes our way.
Sometimes the loneliness of our lost
pregnancies and the longing for another child comes on very suddenly and I have
to breathe through it for a minute- the pain is just so strong and the sadness
can have quite a grip on your heart. But
I've learned to take a minute, feel the hurt, breathe, and remind myself to be
patient and think of what is good now.
One hard decision we had to make was about my Medical Transcription Editing program. We decided that I needed to drop out of it. I wrote about it online and it helped me work through the decision. I hated feeling like a quitter.
"...I've considered every aspect and shed some
tears over it, but we have decided that I'm going to drop out of my Medical
Transcription Editing program. Our life
has taken us in a much different direction than what we anticipated when I
signed up for it a year ago. I loved it
and I learned a lot (and luckily my mom always taught me that education is
never wasted) but something has got to give.
I don't think I can put money in to purchase another extension or two
because it is just not getting done.
With Kevin focusing on his doctorate and me working up to 30 hours a
week, a household to run, and a son to raise...there would be no peaceful
moment if I were also trying to do school.
I would need to put in 20 hours a week to finish even with a 4 month
extension. It's a quality of life kind
of decision. I could do it, but I would
never sleep, the dishes would never get done, helping Kevin study would be out
of the question, and Jack would never get to go to the park basically. I also don't know how I would work from home
a couple hours a day because it's been extremely difficult to do it for free
with a toddler at home. This must be a
job you do when your kids are in elementary.
Grateful for what I learned. It sucks we put money into this program,
but Kevin's is more important (and much more expensive) and mine is all paid for
now. I don't want to pay more, it's just not working for us. It's a pride
thing, I've never really quit anything, but I'm trying to do what's best for
all of us."
That was hard, but necessary for focusing on our goals and running the household more effectively. With school out of my way, we started more seriously discussing "Should we wait and try to pay for all the tests? Should we try for a baby with what we know so far? Is it risking a life? Is it the right thing?" We decided to go to the temple and pray together. I was hoping for some sort of miracle to inspire me as to what the right choice was. We sat together in the Celestial Room and I started to pray. I told Heavenly Father, "Some
days and nights are saturated with pain.
Of the loss. Of life passing by
and wondering how patient I’m capable of being.
I think baby lonely is an appropriate term of how I'm feeling." I started crying in the temple. I've never shed tears of sorrow in a holy place before,
only tears of joy. I've never been in such a stupor of thought
about everything before. But the whole experience taught me that instead of always just listening for the perfect solution to come from God, I need to spend more time praying and telling Him how I feel. I felt like I needed to focus more on making myself holier, so I could recognize inspiration more clearly when it comes.
You can believe in miracles, but you can't force them to happen. And they are hard to wait for. We decided to wait to try for another baby until all testing had been completed. It was a hard choice, but it seemed like the most responsible thing to do. I started working on getting the long list of all the tests I needed. It was all very overwhelming, and I was hoping that everything would work out ok. I spent hours on the phone with the insurance companies, the nurses, billing departments, etc. It was a very frustrating process. Especially because there's not really an exact cost estimate until after a procedure or test has been done.
Finally, I had everything in order. We were ready to start testing, we just needed to wait for my period to come so we could start the testing at the right time in my cycle. And then life happened. We've been preventing pregnancy since I've been off my hormonal birth control to prepare for the testing. But after a "mishap" the day before ovulation according to my calendar, I started to panic a little. I knew there was a chance I could find myself pregnant at the end of the month, and really didn't know what to do. After a few days of worry I contacted my nurse, and she got me started on all the meds I needed to be on "just in case." I had never felt so well taken care of, and we felt at peace with the situation. I felt like if I was pregnant, the baby had a better chance than any of the others. This was the clinic I had been waiting for, they were so on top of everything and just as determined as me to make the potential pregnancy have a good outcome. We started to believe that maybe this "mishap" was a gift from God. Maybe everything would be fine, and He would spare us from all the burdens that come with testing.
The two week wait to find out was torture. Especially because I had every pregnancy symptom in the book, but I knew it could be caused by the hormonal medication instead of a pregnancy. All those emotions came flooding back. Let the mind games begin. I tried not to take anything as
a sign because I was too afraid to get my hopes up and I'm too afraid to expect
miracles. It would be too good to be true. I would pray "If we're pregnant, please just give us a heartbeat this time Lord. Let me keep it long enough to see a heartbeat." Soon I found out another close family member was expecting and I started imagining how wonderful it would be if our babies were born close together. I was still feeling that enormous anxiety, but once I
increased my active folate and got these unbearable headaches, I remembered it was a good sign that the folate was actually doing something in my
body. I tried to keep hope. I needed good thoughts and faith to overpower my fear. I knew I couldn't get so caught up in tiny "what if" details. I needed to do my best and give the rest to God. I have to always be proactive. Always be researching. Always being careful about every small thing I do with my body or what I eat. I have to fight for my babies to live. It doesn't come easy, but I will keep fighting.
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| daily cocktail |
When it came close to the time to start testing, all the anxiety skyrocketed. Did I really want to see a positive test? A positive pregnancy test sure doesn't mean what it used
to for me. My soul leaps for joy " hooray I'm pregnant!" But my brain
adds on "for now". Pregnancy no longer equals a baby in my mind or
reality and I have to fight that feeling constantly. Sure I could be pregnant, but in
my mind it's not the same as my friends and neighbors around me with beautiful
big bellies. My pregnancies don't give me babies like theirs. They are so
joyful and I get so sorrowful and depressed.
I went to the clinic twice that week to get betas drawn and progesterone levels checked (since I was supplementing) and guess what, NEGATIVE. I wasn't pregnant. We were surprised how sad we were, after thinking this could be our miracle. But we were also relieved. It's better to not be pregnant than to have a loss. It was a hard two weeks to go through, but I guess in a way it reaffirmed that we needed to do the testing and get as much information as possible. It was good to have a "practice run" of what pregnancy will require from me. I feel somewhat nervous about the procedures, but it's nothing in comparison to finding some answers. The whole experience showed me that I do in fact have some hope left! I really felt ok during those "could be pregnant" weeks. After we found out the test was negative, I stopped the progesterone supplements and waited for my period to start.
We were so excited to start testing! We had a financial plan, babysitters lined up, everything. We were ready to go. The day before our first tests, we hit a bump in the road. Kevin's school emailed and explained that since he had to take extra credits in this upcoming semester, they were charging an additional 1100 dollars. That money came out of our living stipend. I felt like I got punched in the stomach. 300 dollars less a month in the budget from our loan. That was the money I had set aside to make payments on the testing. So we spent a day moving money around and stressing, but in the end decided it was still possible for us to continue the testing. We felt that it was important enough to be worth the sacrifice. But Heavenly Father had other plans.
The next morning, we were joyfully on our way to the clinic. Before we even got out of Provo, we were in a car accident. The second we smashed into that car I was shaking and started to cry because all that was going through my mind was "There goes all our savings. There goes everything we had timed for this month. The answer is still no. We still have to wait longer." Since Kevin was the driver at fault, we have to pay our deductible. And once again, we are now stuck. Not a single penny for these tests. Life is hard
sometimes. And God works in mysterious ways. I'm thankful we were driving
our car with full coverage and that is worth some money, unlike our other car.
I'm glad our car has great safety ratings. I am especially thankful that we had
dropped Jack off at a friend's 3 minutes earlier. I have some whiplash, and Kevin's thumb is numb, but we are all safe. And that's all that really
matters. I'm glad we had some money saved up regardless (even though it's not
quite enough). I'm thankful that I can feel some peace, even in a hard
situation like this. In a strange way I'm glad it happened on the way to the doctor
instead of on the way back when the money would have been already spent. I really can't relive the accident in my mind without feeling sick to my stomach.
What now? Where do we
go from here? How many months will it
take us to dig ourselves out of debt to even think about saving again for more
tests? Is the Lord just continuing to
teach us patience or seriously should we just give up trying for more kids, because
sometimes it just feels like we’re punished every time we do. I don’t really mean that- but it sure feels
like it sometimes.
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| My neck isn't supposed to be this straight. I was told the lack of curvature is due to muscle spasms from the whiplash. ow. :( |
I feel stuck. If we try to get pregnant on our own, we miscarry. If we try to do testing, money gets taken away from our budget. If we try to actually go to the clinic for an appointment, we get in a car crash that eats up all our savings plus some. I'm so frustrated. But I still have the feeling that somehow this is a mercy for us from God, because He has something better in mind for us, or He understands why things need to be timed differently. I'm devastated (and sore) but I trust in God, and if He feels that it is important for us to go through this pain and this stress before we can even do testing, then I will bear that burden.
Again- Jesse Clark Funk
I’ve wrestled with demons and darkness.
I’ve wrestled with what has been lost.
I carry this crushing weight on my shoulders
And try not to think of the cost.
It’s more than a single decision.
It’s giving up part of myself.
It’s something I simply can’t do on my own
So I’m pleading with You for Your help.
Chorus-
Again and again
I’ve asked myself why.
I don’t think that I have any tears left to cry.
My soul is so tired and I’m longing for rest.
I’m giving my all and I’m doing my best.
It hurts to move on from the place I am in.
But You understand where I’ve been
And You reassure me it’s time to start over
Again.
I’m finally ready to listen.
I’m finally ready to hear,
Struggling to get a place You can reach me,
Where peace can speak louder than fear.
I can’t see the end of the story.
There’s no way to know how it ends.
For now I let go and I trust You to lead me
And show my heart where to begin.
Repeat Chorus
All of the pain and confusion I’m going through
I’m turning it over to You,
Willing to trust it’s the right thing to do.
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