Jack Jack

I know I haven't taken the time to write in a while. We are moving this week so it has been a little crazy, but I want to take the time to at least write a short post- about my Jack Jack.  This year has been a really hard one emotionally for me.  There are still days where I wonder if I will ever come out of it all the way- this rut that I feel like I'm in.  I used to count my blessings just to distract me from the hurt, but I am learning now to really be happy because of my blessings.  I have a really good life- for countless reasons.  One in particular is my son Jack.  When we started having miscarriages I looked at him differently because I didn't know how many babies I would have. I looked at him differently because I didn't understand how he was even here.  But now, I look at him and marvel, just because of who he is.

Don't get me wrong, coming into the 2-year-old stage is hard, but I'm actually really loving this age.  He talks to me all the time about everything, and I just love seeing the way he thinks and how he sets out to do things.  He is an extremely bright child and always astounds me with his memory, his knowledge of things I don't remember teaching him, his excitement to learn, his forgiveness and love.  He is so sweet to his mommy and makes me smile and laugh a countless number of times a day.

I have learned to look at him as a true miracle and take so much comfort in knowing that God sent him to us regardless of my body's capacities.  I am learning to trust that it is possible again, but in the meantime, I'm so thankful for the time I have to focus on Jack.  We would be thrilled had the pregnancies been successful and we would have another child now; but I still have joy in the life I have.  Jack really deserves all of my attention and care, he deserves more than I give him each day.  I need to invest more time in helping him learn, playing with him, and watching what he teaches me.  He is so full of life, and in the past few weeks I have come to understand just how he really is my pride and joy.  And that's enough.  We would love to experience that feeling again, but I don't have to sit around and wait for the miracle of raising a child.  It's already happening now.  The pride and joy doesn't go away or wear off, it just grows with him.

He seems like he is growing so fast, so I'm trying to find that balance of looking forward to the future but enjoying each moment.  Just trying to relax and be patient with him on hard days.  In the end that's what matters and the good memories are what we take with us.  I am so thankful for you Jack Jack, I love you without measure.

Trusting God in New Trials

I had several things I wanted to write about.  Usually as time goes on I make little notes of things I want to write about on a sticky note on the desktop of my computer.  Tonight when I sat down to write about all of it, the sticky note was gone.  Somehow when my computer restarted it didn't come back.  Needless to say I'll need to save it in a better place from now on, and despite how upset I feel (kind of trying not to cry right now) I guess this will narrow the post down to what is really important and make it easier to read.

This post really is about challenges; I'm learning all about having new challenges.  Exhibit A, weight loss.  I've never been super skinny with a barbie-like flat tummy, but most of my life I was a healthy weight, and didn't have to feel embarrassed about how I looked.  I didn't have to go buy new clothes because my old ones didn't fit anymore.  This is the first time I'm experiencing the range of emotions that goes along with actually needing to lose weight.  Even though I'm not at a super unhealthy weight, I do need to lose the extra pounds that the health problems put on this year. I'm learning that it is such a slow process and takes so much dedication and strength to do it the right way.  I've also learned how emotionally difficult it is and how it brings out some pretty real feelings regarding self-esteem.  It's a toughie.  Once again I pull the card, "I didn't think this was going to be my problem in life, so now I'm mad about it."  My thyroid problems make it hard to lose weight, so I have to stay positive with little steps in the right direction.  Even the fact that I am not gaining more weight is really good.  The fact that I'm eating healthier and exercising more is really good.  But in a world of fast results, sometimes it doesn't feel quite good enough.  And being hungry makes me cranky...that too. :)

Here is my big thing this month- I wrote a lot about this before but it got lost, so I'll just sum it up.  I've had some pretty real anxiety.  Now don't get me wrong- it's not just stress.  I went to college, planned a wedding, had a baby, had family problems...I've been through stressful things before.  This just feels different.  It started out like depression.  For like 2 weeks I was just crying all the time, couldn't get out of bed, then it turned more aggressive and I was more angry and snappy a lot of the time.  I know it sounds a lot like hormones, but it just felt like so much more than that.  I feel like I've started having panic attacks, and I've never had them before.  Where I instantly feel so overwhelmed that I think my head might explode.  I've had horrible and frequent headaches and have felt restless and unhappy and I have to ask, why?  Does it have to do with losing the babies or is that only part of it?

Putting everything down on lists doesn't help like it used to- I feel like my mind is overflowing all the time and I can't calm down.  The racing thoughts and headaches makes me feel like I'm going to have a heart attack or that I'm not breathing easily.  I've dealt with more stressful times than this- I know that I can handle what we have going on right now- being back in school, moving, Kevin's graduation, needing to find a real job, super tight finances, debt, learning the patience to deal with a 2 year old, all the logistical stuff in life.  I've done that kind of stuff before.  I tell myself "We got this, what are you freaking out about?"  I keep thinking of my due date, which is this week.  My mind keeps flashing into a different reality where I would be having my baby this week- how I was hoping to have it on Kevin's birthday which is Friday.

But life is always going to be stressful, and there is usually some kind of deeper trial or tragedy we are trying to handle, so I know that I really need to start managing all of this from the inside.  I've found help from some natural supplements, but mostly I need to focus on spiritual things.  I think the hardest part is just admitting that I need some help figuring it out.  I think the person I need to admit it to most, is God.  And, also to Kevin.  I have not been the most fun person to live with lately.  But I know when I include him and see him as my other half and teammate instead of another person that's in my life or house, it helps.  If I can be in a good enough mood around him that we can be in love, life is a little easier.  I need to allow myself to be happy.  It's no fun being miserable.  I hope to see him and Jack as motivation for me to be better, so I can enjoy our times together instead of feeling like I am watching them from a distance and missing out on my greatest joy because I am so deep inside myself.  I need to be responsible for my own feelings.  Sometimes I get so upset when I hear people complaining (and not in a joking way) about being pregnant.  But then I remember, they are not ignorant, I am just sensitive.  And, pregnancy is REALLY hard, bearing children is REALLY hard.  They have a right to talk about how they feel, I need to be in charge of how I let myself feel when I hear that, despite my mind firing back that they don't know how lucky they are.  Well- I am so lucky to have a wonderful child (who is so smart it blows my mind daily- I am in awe of him).  Many people never have any children of their own.  Especially at such a young age.  I am so very blessed.  Maybe I accidentally offend other people with the way I talk about other things.  I'm not a victim.
And if I remember how much Heavenly Father loves me, I remember how blessed I am.  I need to take more time to talk to him.  Take the time to do the things that are important, and then I will feel peace, I will feel better in my heart.  Serving others is the best medicine- I need to stop worrying about myself all the time. Kids are good in that way, they distract you through most of the day,  I usually post this quote somewhere in my house, it is one of the most motivating quotes to me when I feel down:

I need to give myself time to feel better in my body.  It's going to take time, I am blessed to be learning patience....but I am still in a hurry for the lesson to be over.  My body feels crazy inside, but it will probably need time to settle down.  Since I wasn't feeling like my hormones have really evened out anyway, I decided to start on the POP birth control again.  I know I've had problems with it in the past, but I'm hoping I made the right decision.  I wrote in my last post about my anxiety about ever getting pregnant without planning it and I think having some peace from feeling like I am in better control of that will actually help me a lot, despite the side effects.

Well I hope I don't sound like a crazy lady, but we've all been through phases like this before.  All I'm really trying to get across is that it is so hard to accept you're dealing with a new kind of problem; and, all that can be done about it is to look to God for answers on how to find peace, and look inside yourself to find the strength to do what He tells you.  And then, it works out.  I haven't quite gotten to that point yet with these challenges, but I have been there before with other problems.  They were eventually resolved.  He loves us.  He wants us to be happy.

I wanted to share one more thought about the scriptures-
We've heard often the scripture, that God can do all things, that nothing is impossible for Him. Well I know that doctrine well, but it had been quite a while since I stumbled upon the actual verse of scripture, here it is:

Luke 1:37 For with God nothing shall be impossible.

We know this is true, but I love so much that this particular scripture is literally referring to a miracle pregnancy.  Elizabeth had conceived and was in her 6th month, and the angel mentions to Mary that Elizabeth was "called barren" then offers the reminder that with God nothing is impossible.
He knows how much it means to women to bear children, and in His timing he really can make it possible.  I felt tears in my eyes as I read that and thought about Elizabeth.  I wonder the conversation we would have had in her day as friends, had she told me that after years of giving up hope, God had granted this miracle to her in His timing, and for His purposes (look how important the timing of her son's birth turned out to be).
He is in the details.  We were never supposed to do it all alone.  If we can learn to really talk to Him, He will show us peace even in our hardest times.


In honor of the first baby that we lost, who was due to be born this week, I wanted to post this picture that we took of Jack when we found out.  For some people, a miscarriage is something they just want to forget and put behind them.  For me, this is a family photo that I'm not really sure where to place, so I'll put it here, in memory of what might have been.  It's my "moment of silence."  Jack is going to be an amazing big brother when the right time comes, and when that special baby comes.  It may not be this week, but I hope that someday we can look back on this picture and remember a happy feeling of looking forward to the future and watching our family grow.

Taken October 2012
This may have not been the right timing, but he will be a great big brother when the day comes!

Hopeful News!

Life is looking up a little.  Our plans have been changing so rapidly lately that I've felt like we are spinning a bit out of control, but as of now, it looks as if Kevin will still be able to apply to at least two doctorate programs for Physical Therapy by the end of the year.  There's some work left to get to that point, but I think we can do it, and that means by this time next year we could be a few months into the PT program.  Not knowing where in the country or when....I guess that's kind of exciting.  An adventure is coming!

Here's to looking up.


http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2011/10/it-is-better-to-look-up?lang=eng

The link above is to an excellent talk on this very subject.

I am doing better emotionally for the most part.  I have to do a lot of positive affirmation.  When I'm having a hard day I tell myself, "I am happy of where I am in life and I'm happy with what I'm doing.  Despite anyone else's circumstances."  It's not lying to myself I decided, it's motivating myself to have the right attitude. The more I say it, the more I see it in life, and the more I realize that it's true.  Even though life still hurts here and there.  That's just life. Sometimes I have days where I suddenly get very sad remembering something we said about the babies when I was pregnant, and just get that sharp, sudden pain in my heart.  But I've learned just to take that moment to mourn and then continue with my day.  It's hard to do, but I'm getting better at it.

We got good news from the hemotologist today!  He is one of the best blessings in this area of my life- he is the most kind and understanding doctor I have ever encountered.  While the news isn't as good as "You have this really easy problem to fix, take this pill and all your problems will be solved,"  we kind of knew it was past that point anyway.  But it's still so much better than what I was expecting.

Two weeks ago he told me I met all the criteria for APS and we were just waiting on the tests to confirm it.  This was the last blood panel I really needed to do, because as he told me today, by this point they have literally tested EVERYTHING.

Results:

My homo cysteine levels were normal!!  This means that although I have the less common type of homozygous MTHFR, since my levels are good we can rule it out as a cause for the miscarriage.  This also means we don't need to worry about all the horrible neural tube birth defects associated with it.  I will always take a good B vitamin to be on the safe side- but overall, all MTHFR is going to be in my life is an added blood clotting risk, which I already deal with because of Leiden Factor V.  So, nothing new there.

Other best news ever- The antibodies and Lupus panel tested (to confirm anti phospholipid syndrome) came back NEGATIVE!  What?! We were not expecting that at all!  While it would have been nice to have an explanation why I keep miscarrying, at least it's not an autoimmune problem that swells up each time I'm pregnant and makes it so hard to keep a baby.  So I DON'T have APS!  This gave me so much more hope.  I have had a rough year keeping babies, but at least I don't have to think I have harmful antibodies hanging around in my system.  Nothing was even concerning enough to raise an eyebrow.  No indication of anything else.  Everything came back normal.  It's unfortunate that they just have to shrug and say, not quite sure why this keeps happening, most likely it's due to the blood clotting risks, but it's better than having another disease.  The bad news is that Lovenox is still my best hope, and whether it works or doesn't (but especially if it does) I'll pretty much have to use it for life.  (until like in my dreams, they come out with a pill that works the same.  It is in existence but at least ten years away from ever being accessible according to my hemotologist.)

So having fewer risk factors to deal with is the best news we can hope for at this point.  I'm just having to settle into the idea that pregnancy will always be associated with daily shots in the belly for me.  Ya, not quite settled yet.  I'll get there someday.  Basically, when we decide to try again we'll do a pre-pregnancy consultation, test the ANAs, discuss the use of asprin, etc.  It stresses me out a little now but I try not to think about it too much.

Honestly my biggest fear right now is an accidental pregnancy- considering how easily I get pregnant.  Like if I think about it too hard I will probably be pregnant.  Each of the 4 pregnancies I've had were within the first month of deciding to try (I am so thankful I don't struggle with infertility on top of recurrent miscarriage.)  Although I am being extremely cautious about it, I'm scared of an "surprise" because I'm not ready for a loss or doing the shots again (not to mention I probably need to be on asprin even before conceiving a child.)  My blood clotting issues mean I am not a candidate for taking normal, hormonal birth control (and POPs super screw up my body except for when I'm nursing), so those of you who complain about having to take a pill everyday- you are lucky.  Being pregnant means risking my health, having painful procedures or tests done (a lot it seems) and daily shots, feeling like I live at the doctor's office, and most importantly knowing there is a huge risk of losing the child.  And plus, pregnancy is pretty hard on its own.  It's a lot to take on and I really feel like I need to be ready to handle it.  It's ironic, considering how much we would love another happy healthy baby, but I think I've settled into how I'm doing things now and I'm trying to enjoy this healing period and take the benefits of only having one child at this time.  I can barely handle school with one right now.  Overall, I'm happy and more well balanced than I was a few months ago.

I am still working extremely hard on getting in shape and losing weight.  I'm exercising 3-4 days a week and have logged EVERYTHING I have eaten in the past two weeks.  That is tough, and it's hard not to feel guilty if you blow it one night (which has only happened once, thank you very much.)  But it feels like slow progress.  With the fluctuation we all have, I've lost between 2-5 pounds in two weeks.  I guess that's ok but it doesn't feel like much for how hard I'm working.  Maybe I'm gaining some muscle possibly?  I care more about losing inches than pounds so I hope my old pants start showing the results soon.

At least I'm eating healthier, but it's the hardest thing in the world to not eat what I want, when I want it- especially when I cook something yummy for everyone else.  Also it is super hard to drag my butt out of bed at 5:35 in the morning to get ready for Zumba- me and the girls leave at 5:50 for the class.  You have to be pretty dedicated for that, so naturally I want the results to be faster.  But at least on Zumba days I get to eat more :)

School is ok- it's really hard when Jack doesn't take a nap on certain days. Then I feel like literally I have between 830 and whenever I go to bed to work (and on nights before Zumba I really have to go to bed early.)  I wish I could be dedicating 4 hours a day to the program.  I really need to.  There is so much to study and memorize and not just busy work to blow through.  Hopefully things will slow down a bit when we move?  (oh my gosh that's 5 weeks away).  Percussion concert tomorrow! Hope it goes well and takes some of the stress off me.  Then I get to start being a Music Camp counselor the following week!  Focusing on the positive is exciting.  That's all we can do really to make a happy life for ourselves.

Just Do It

Before I get into the main idea I had behind this post, I want to talk about this week and our new findings out.

Honestly, it was a hard week.  One of those where I spent time pondering on "what might have been."  The second time we were pregnant, we announced it to the family the day after my cousin announced her pregnancy.  I was excited that our babies were going to be so close together, within a month of each other.  She had her baby this week.  I was so happy to see those sweet little pictures, but it hurt pretty bad too.  My first due date is a month from today.  It's hard not to think how life would be right now if I still had that baby with me.

Sometimes I hold Jack close to me and just cry and cry- I remember how it felt the first time I felt a kick, and how I could feel him move and grow; not even knowing he was the biggest miracle of my life.  I just hold him close and let the gratitude wash over me.  I'm so thankful he is here with me.

I wish I would have appreciated the pregnancy/birth/newborn stage a little more when they were happening. It was wonderful and amazing, but I automatically assumed I would have that experience again without difficulty.  Had I known, maybe I would have slowed down the wishing for him to reach the next stage or grow bigger.  I spend my days telling myself i'm ok with all of this- even though I'm not.

So, we went to the hemotologist.  For sure, I have the Leiden Factor V and Homozygous MTHFR.  But WAIT- there's MORE!  I thought this appointment was going to be going over information regarding the newly diagnosed MTHFR, which we did, but to my surprise he had a lot more information for me.  He thinks I have something else. (of course, why am I not suprised.)  While the MTHFR increases all those risks I discussed in the last post, he is not convinced it really added to the miscarriage unless my homo cysteine levels were really high (which is unlikely as long as I eat fresh food and take vitamins, vitamin B helps keep the levels down).  This is especially because I have the mutation that has the genetic code A1298C, which is apparently uncommon, and not associated with the blood clotting as much as the C677T.  That is good news at least.  I should always take a high B vitamin to help with the risk, but at least I lucked out with having the less common, less harsh type.

So let me back up for a second, a few months ago I had ANAs come up positive on some tests.  ANAs show up when you have some sort of auto immune or arthritis problem going on.  My arthritis panel came back totally negative, so it pointed to an auto immune problem.  We assumed it was thyroid auto-immune since I already have problems there, but investigating that further seemed to say that it was not thyroid auto immune. So they put it on the shelf and said we probably won't know why I had ANAs showing up unless I developed other symptoms.  

Moving forward, my wonderful hemotologist put all of this together.  The miscarriages, the clotting, the ANAs, and other patterns, and he has a new theory.  Though he tested my homo cysteine levels to help rule out the MTHFR as a cause (won't have those results for another 2 weeks), he believes I may have a condition called APS or Hughes Syndrome.  It is not a for sure diagnosis, I had some tests done for the antibodies, and will have to have several more.  He said the antibodies can show up after a miscarriage, or show up during a pregnancy and cause a miscarriage.  So the only way to really tell if the autoimmune problems are actually attacking the pregnancies is to test 3 months after a miscarriage, and see if the levels have gone down.  Next time we think about getting pregnant I'll get my levels tested beforehand, then again as soon as I get a positive pregnancy test.  We are hoping that the levels would not increase as soon as I was pregnant- that would be bad. If I understand it right, the antibodies make the blood clot even more in addition to my other two conditions.  Sometimes I wonder how I have never actually had a blood clot myself.  We just have to assume there was micro clotting in the placentas in the pregnancies we lost.

If this is the case and I have these antibodies in the blood work that comes back, the most I can hope for is that the antibodies that caused my third miscarriage were still in my system from my second miscarriage since the two were so close together, and hope that I don't actually have this auto immune disease but that the antibodies were just a result from the miscarriages.  Obviously, it will take a while to tell, and that will be hard to wait for, but I have an apt in two weeks when the blood work comes back and I'm hoping everything will make a little more sense then.  I'm still pretty confused.

If I do have this, it would continue to add to the blood clotting risks, and next time we want a baby, I'd need to be on asprin while trying to conceive, then switch immediately to Lovenox injections as soon as I was pregnant.  I'd need to do the shots the whole pregnancy and 6 weeks postpartum.  Basically, it's the same thing we did last time, but it didn't work last time.  That's the only treatment available right now though.  The good news is he said the asprin/lovenox don't work in a way where they would be contributing to the miscarriages or making it so the placenta wasn't able to attach properly.

I thought I would let Wikipedia explain a little about this condition that we are investigating.  It doesn't sound too far off. Especially the part about the migraines.


Antiphospholipid syndrome or antiphospholipid antibody syndrome (APS or APLS or), often also Hughes syndrome, is an autoimmune, hypercoagulable state caused by antiphospholipid antibodies. APS provokes blood clots (thrombosis) in both arteries and veins as well as pregnancy-related complications such as miscarriage, stillbirth, preterm delivery, or severe preeclampsia.

Antiphospholipid syndrome can cause arterial or venous blood clots, in any organ system, or pregnancy-related complications. In APS patients, the most common venous event is deep vein thrombosis of the lower extremities, and the most common arterial event is stroke.

 In pregnant women affected by APS, miscarriage can occur prior to 20 week of gestation, while pre-eclampsia is reported to occur after that time. Placental infarctions, early deliveries and stillbirth are also reported in women with APS. In some cases, APS seems to be the leading cause of mental and/or development retardation in the newborn, due to an aPL-induced inhibition of trophoblast differentiation. The antiphospholipid syndrome responsible for most of the miscarriages in later trimesters seen in concomitant systemic lupus erythematosus and pregnancy.[2]

Other common findings, although not part of the APS classification criteria, are thrombocytopenia, heart valve disease, and livedo reticularis. There are also associations between antiphospholipid antibodies and headaches, migraines, and oscillopsia.[3] Some studies have shown the presence of antiphospholipid antibodies in the blood and spinal fluid of patients with psychological symptoms.[4]

Boy oh boy, I really don't like all those risks, to me or a future baby.  Especially thinking of handicaps the baby might have, it just breaks my heart.  In a way, I guess it is a tender mercy that our bodies have the ability to reject pregnancies early on that if they would have continued, would have produced a child unable to survive or thrive.  But you really never know what might happen, Jack is totally healthy as far as we know.  He also is the cutest kid known to man:

I'm Just Sayin.....

So basically the way I feel about all these results and theories is simply "This really isn't fair."  But most hard things we go through feel like that.  And lots of people have it way harder than me.  But it still feels like that.  However, I am so thankful for the scriptures that have such a specific and relevant example to my situation and show the compassion Christ had on a woman.  

Mark 5:25-34

 25 And a certain woman, which had an ^aissue of blood twelve years,

 26 And had suffered many things of many physicians, and had spent all that she had, and was nothing bettered, but rather grew worse,

 27 When she had heard of Jesus, came in the press behind, and touched his ^agarment.

 28 For she said, If I may touch but his clothes, I shall be whole.

 29 And straightway the fountain of her blood was dried up; and she felt in her body that she was healed of that plague.

 30 And Jesus, immediately knowing in himself that ^avirtue had gone out of him, turned him about in the press, and said, Who touched my clothes?

 31 And his disciples said unto him, Thou seest the multitude thronging thee, and sayest thou, Who touched me?

 32 And he looked round about to see her that had done this thing.

 33 But the woman fearing and trembling, knowing what was done in her, came and fell down before him, and told him all the truth.

 34 And he said unto her, Daughter, thy ^afaith hath made thee whole; go in ^bpeace, and be whole of thy plague.

12 years sounds like a long time that this woman had been suffering, despite how many doctors she had gone to, but Christ healed her completely in His time according to her faith, and for His own reasons.  This scripture gives me hope that with my faith and in His time, and with His power, I'm sure it is possible for us to have another healthy child someday.  

Anyway, I actually meant this post to be more about daily life now and what I've learned:

Just do it.  Sometimes this has to be my motto for a little while.  I remember our band director would tell us this a lot in high school; and though we often made fun of him for it, the idea stuck.

Sometimes I feel like I was in such a hurry to jump back into life and start working on things that made me happy again, that I might be a little overwhelmed.  Not in a bad way though, it is actually really good to be working on so many positive things in my life.  I have many priorities right now:

-Well first, the normal stuff comes first.  Being Jack's mommy takes up most of my time.  Then there's the cooking and the cleaning, making sure Jack eats something nutritional (hopefully), the budgeting and bill paying, planning appointments and babysitters, shopping and play dates, etc.  

-I've been exercising early every morning this week, my plan is to do 4 days a week. (from 6-7. boy it is hard to get up to be to a class by 6)

-I've been working on scripture study (nothing like starting all your goals again at once)

-I started school again! Officially.  I'm now in an online program.  I'm really happy about it; it seems like a really well put-together program so far.  The good news and bad news is, it's going to be pretty rigorous.  I appreciate a challenge but it's just a time issue.  I want to finish quickly so I can start making money, but if I want to finish by about December 20th I'll need to put in about 23 hours a week (does Jack even sleep that much?!)  Luckily, I have until next June to finish it, but hopefully sooner.

-Prepping for our move.  This is a little on the side thing now, but we move in 7 weeks.  That creeps up on you if you haven't started cleaning and going through things and packing the non-essentials.

-I'm still working every Saturday.  This is more of a "sacrifice" now because of the time needed for school, and the packing projects since that is the day Kevin is home from work and we try to avoid heavy duty projects on Sunday. But I love my job and we need the money; after all, I only get to enjoy this job until we move.

-I'm enjoying playing percussion even though I didn't think I'd have this much going on when I signed up.  I try to practice once a week and then I have rehearsal once or twice a week.  Our concert is in two weeks so it won't be too much longer.

-I'm in charge of teaching the 3 and 4 year olds at church every Sunday.  I usually only prep the lesson every other week and it only takes a few hours to do, but believe me, if I procrastinate it really hangs over my head! Luckily those kids are great and make it worth it.

-Another thing that I am about to start is something I just signed up for because I couldn't resist!!  Being a camp counselor for a summer music camp for kids!  Really that's all I want to do in life :)  It's only an hour a week, but I decided not to start until July because doing it with percussion is a little much, especially because I need someone to watch Jack during it. I am so looking forward to being a volunteer for such a cool thing!

- Technically I'm still doing that tutoring website, but there seems to be no students in this area, so it is not taking up any of my time right now. Maybe in our new area.

-I'm a social butterfly.  Ok maybe not quite, but, I've been trying to spend a lot of time with the dear friends I've made in this area before we move.  I will miss so many people here.

-Medical stuff.  The appointments and all the stuff with it actually takes a toll.  It's emotionally trying, and stressful to make and keep appointments with specialists and labs and whatever else is going on.  Waiting for answers is hard too.

So, Just Do it.  It's hard to do all of it, but it's manageable and I still have enough "spare time" to watch an episode of Arrested Development here and there.  I have some time to blog since school doesn't have actual "due dates."  My life has some peace. My house might not always be spotless but I can usually manage to get the important things done.  I just have to remember not to complain and to be happy with what I'm doing- I'm usually more productive when I do more things because I use my time better. Just do it-with a smile.  Thanks to President Hinckley, I usually post the saying "Forget Yourself and Go to Work" somewhere in the house.  It is very motivating to me, to just put aside feeling sorry for myself and actually do something.  That usually makes me feel better anyway.

This is how I'm coping with everything, and how I'm staying happy- not by staying busy, but by staying productive.

MTHFR

Don't worry, the title of this post is not an online abbreviation for a nasty cuss word, although that's pretty much how I feel about it.  MTHFR is a diagnosis I received yesterday that I didn't know I had.  It stands for:

Methylenetetrahydrofolate reductase

I don't know much about it either...so I don't know how educational this post will really be, mostly just spliced together internet research.  I have an apt with my hemotologist on Wednesday so hopefully I will understand it better after that.

Background Info-

So I've known I have a blood clotting "factor" since I was 14.  I got tested that young because it runs in my family.  It means your blood has the potential to clot easier than it should, because one of the clotting factors (that help your blood clot) outweigh the anti-coagulants.  In a nutshell.  I was never extremely concerned about how this disorder would effect my pregnancies.  After all, my mom has it and she had 4 kids.  (My hemotologist later told me that a second blood problem my mom has, which I do not, cancelled out the effects of Leiden Factor V on her pregnancies.  Talk about blessings in disguise).  I knew that this increased my risk of early miscarriage, losing a baby to a blood clot in the placenta or umbilical cord, or getting a blood clot myself.  Especially because pregnancy increases your risk of clotting also, because of the extra Estrogen.

When I was first pregnant with Jack I went to my hemotologist to make sure everything was squared away and safe- by that point I was already ten weeks along.  He told me the fact that I'd carried that far meant that the baby should be totally fine- which he was.  I had started taking a low dose asprin 5 weeks and 5 days along with Jack- to help keep my blood a little thinner.  Seemed to work like a charm, Jack was born at 9 lbs 4 oz the day before my due date, but measured around 42 weeks.  Nice and healthy.  We weren't worried about my blood affecting future pregnancies, Leiden seemed pretty controllable.  But we thought that was all I had.

I started getting tested for additional problems after our third loss in a row.  The troubling thing is, the last time they treated me with the same meds that I would have been treated with had we known about the MTHFR, and they still didn't work.  I'm hoping the hemotologist can shed additional light on that.

1st pregnancy- Took one baby asprin a day starting about 6 weeks, resulted in a big healthy baby, virtually no complications with Jack.

2nd pregnancy- Assumed the same thing would work.  Started baby asprin at 5 weeks according to my doctor's instructions- lost the baby at 6 weeks.

3rd pregnancy- Assuming the first miscarriage was a chromosome related "fluke," everyone assumed this pregnancy would be fine.  Started on asprin at 4 weeks, just to be safe.  Lost the baby at 5 weeks.

4th pregnancy- The doctors concluded that micro blood clots were forming in the placenta and thus the baby could not be nourished after the yolk sack turns the job over to the placenta- and decided I needed to prevent clotting earlier on.  I started on the asprin around the time I ovulated and started on 70mg of Lovenox injections daily at 4 weeks.  Lost the baby at 5 weeks.

Puzzling right?  It seems like the more thinners I pump in, and the earlier I start, the sooner I lose the baby.  It feels like the thinners aren't giving the babies a chance to attach properly.  My gut feeling tells me more that we will just have to have a good "take" in the beginning, meaning we can get a viable heartbeat at 6 weeks before we start preventative thinners, like we did with Jack.  I don't know how many we would lose before that happens again, but it happened once.  Because of this, my fear was that I would have an additional problem that caused me to clot MORE, because then I worry no one would ever listen to that feeling I had.  They would continue to recommend more and more thinners, and how is such a fragile start ever to survive that.  (Maybe that is right and what I need, but I feel lots of anxiety about that- if you believe in listening to your gut, my gut is telling me no.  However, I waited to start thinners with the 2nd pregnancy and still lost that baby..so who knows.)

The News-

The nurse calls me yesterday and tells me I am positive for MTHFR.  I burst into tears as soon as I get off the phone.  It's genetic, so I've had it my whole life without knowing it.  But I've read enough about it on online support groups for Lovenox that I knew it wasn't a good thing to have.  Women with that online seemed to have 6 or 8 miscarriages in a row.  Maybe this was the real cause after all, and not Leiden.  The good news was my Protein C and Protein S were normal.

The nurse told me lots of people have one mutation, but lucky me I have two, one from each parent.  A double whammy- makes it harder to manage with a pregnancy.  But even that is manageable and usually can be worked out, unless you have an additional clotting factor like Leiden.  Lucky me, 3 for 3.  Needless to say I feel like the odds are against me.  Despite needing to learn about my own health so I can keep the right lifestyle and have the right diet so I don't have a heart attack at 50, I felt my hope for having another healthy baby slump.  Maybe it's possible.  But what am I going to have to go through?  How many times will it take?  And how in the world did I have a healthy baby on my first try?!

Below are some of the risks according to the inter-web.  I know some of them have to do with an excess of homocysteine building up.  I don't understand all the science- but the MTHFR gene produces an enzyme that is important in the process in converting homocysteine to methionine- which makes proteins and other compounds.  I know it's critical to take like a super huge mega vitamin B- because that bi-product can help keep the homocysteine at bay.  Another blessing I didn't know about- I've worked at a health food and supplement store for going on 4 years and have background knowledge and access to the best vitamins around.  Who knew how important that would be for me.  Anyway, risks (in general)

Increased risk for Me:

-Blood Clots

-Hardened Arteries

-Stroke/Heart Attack

(obviously, these risks are heightened whenever you have any blood clotting factors- but can be controlled with a healthy lifestyle).

-Infertility (this one doesn't seem to be a problem for me)

Risks for Pregnancy:

-Recurrent Miscarriage (especially in combination with another blood clotting factor)

-Placenta detaching (which potentially can lead to a stillborn baby)

-Small, low weight babies (what?! Jack was 9lb 4oz!)

-Neural tube defects (like spina bifida etc) this has to do with the body not absorbing folic acid as well, which is crucial to a healthy pregnancy.

-Down syndrome

-Autism

-Intense Postpartum (so maybe I really have been going through some of this)

Wow, that is a lot to take in.  Just when I get my head around something, something else drops on me.  How is this going to effect my health?  How many losses are we going to have?  If we make it past that 6 week bump are we going to be concerned for all these other risks the whole time? (of course).  Could we have a stillborn child?  How would we handle a handicapped child?  Are we willing to take all these risks?  Could we have another miracle and have a totally healthy child like Jack?  If it got to the point where we needed to consider adoption, how would we do with that?

My whole life plan and outlook just changed, again, with a phone call.

I only know that I'm not ready to give up yet- it happened once it can happen again.  It's more than terrifying.  As if a normal pregnancy isn't scary enough.  But it's just not in me to give up hope yet.  It's just adjusting to this new reality, again.

I'm also upset with my thyroid- adding hypothyroidism on top of this doesn't help anything.  I seriously sound like a hypochondriac.  I told Kevin I was so sorry- I really wasn't sickly when he married me.  I really planned to be healthy with no problems my whole life.  I guess we learn to deal with it as we go.

Blessings-

Like I said, the body doesn't absorb synthetic folic acid very well with this condition, so it's important to get B vitamins and other vitamins from raw and healthy foods.  Well, I didn't know I had this condition, so I wouldn't have known that was important.  If I didn't have my job, I probably would have picked up any pre natal vitamin at Wal Mart, made in a lab somewhere.  Which is better than nothing- and probably ok for most people.  But because I have the job that I do, I knew that whole food vitamins typically absorb better, so I got a higher end whole food pre natal from work when I was pregnant with Jack.  He has no handicaps or deformities.  I can't say for sure that it was because of the vitamins- but it is obvious that he got enough folic acid that he didn't have any neural tube defects.  I am so thankful that I increased his chances by taking a vitamin from a source my body can use- without even knowing it.  God is in the details.

  

Contrast

 Like any woman who has ever been through anything hormonal- I've felt pretty bipolar lately.  I get little bursts of excitement or happiness about things in my life or things I want to do, but then it swings back hard the other way as I'm trying to come to terms with my grieving.  I've just been having such contrasting emotions lately, and I don't think I've been keeping them "In Balance".  I saw this on a friend's Facebook and I thought it would be a good reminder to me about how to be happy overall, even when you're sad.  

I don't know if its a little bit of postpartum depression or what but I've been crying a lot lately- its all coming out, that deeper sorrow that takes a few weeks to come around when you've accepted what's happened and you can't help but being cliche and asking God why.  Why would you take three of my babies from me in a row?  You knew this would kill me and break me down more than anything else ever.  What is the reason here?  From my eyes, my friends' babies are all healthy and keep growing, and mine don't.  I never make it to that ultrasound appointment- never get to put that picture proudly on my fridge.

Here is a poem my friend sent to me who also experienced three miscarriages.  It is a very tender poem and I am thankful for it:

I thought of you and closed my eyes,
and prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother,
And I know I heard him say;
A mother has a baby,
This we know is true,
But, God, can you be a mother
When your baby's not with you?
Yes, you can he replied,
With confidence in his voice.
I give women babies,
When they leave is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for a day,
And some I send to feel your womb,
But theres no need to stay.
I just don't understand this God,
I want my baby here.
He took a breath and cleared his throat,
And then I saw a tear.
I wish that i could show you,
What your child is doing today,
if you could see your child smile,
with other children who say:
We go to earth and learn our lessons,
Of love and life and fear.
My mommy loved me oh so much,
I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a mom,
Who had so much love for me. 
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My mommy set me free.
I miss my mommy oh so much,
But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow's where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear,
"Mommy don't don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here."
So you see my dear sweet one,
Your children are OK.
Your babies are here in My home,
They'll be at heaven's gate for you.
So now you see what makes a mother,
It's the feeling in your heart. 
It's the love you had so much of,
Right from the very start.
Though some on earth may not realize you are a mother,
until their time is done.
They'll be up here with me one day,
And you'll know that you're the best one!
-Author Unknown

I try to live happily and be productive but I have this blanket of sadness and lack of motivation- no energy and mostly a huge hole in my heart that I'm not sure how to live through day to day.  That lack of energy and motivation leads to other problems- not losing the weight, not having a clean house, feeling lazy, feeling worthless, and that makes me more depressed.  I have all this anxiety and I don't feel all that healthy. I wake up every morning with a headache and feel sick to my stomach during the day.

I don't know why I have this constant impatience to have another baby.  I don't know why all of this had to happen to me, but the one thing I do know is I'm not ready to go through it again- so why does it ache to see every belly, every ultrasound, and every newborn? To want those sleepless nights, and days where everything you own smells like sour milk?  When you feel like it's 4 in the morning all the time, and look and feel like a zombie?

I go to bed every night telling myself to be positive- tomorrow will be a better day. Then I sleep restlessly and wake with a headache, and pretty much the next day turns out like the day before. 

I'm almost sure it's thyroid related- the weight, feeling melancholy, my hair coming out by the handfuls, the exhaustion and feeling like I never sleep enough-  but it takes 6 weeks for the thyroid to stabilize just enough to even test levels again- by that point hopefully it will be balanced enough that I won't need a higher dose of  medication than I’m on- but it's still hard to muscle through to that point.

Overall, I've settled back into life, but I still get sudden bouts of sadness and that yearning to mourn.  All those things I planned last week are going ok, playing percussion is good, tutoring got approved but no students yet (probably won't get any in this area), and songwriting, well that hasn't come close to happening.

Sometimes I even get sudden guilt when I'm happy, like how could I just go back to life as if nothing had happened- that's what other people do, not me.  These were my babies, I can't just let them go.  But at the same time, if I don't let them go to a degree, how will I ever be happy again?  Typing this out I know this is textbook stages of grief, but that doesn't make it any easier to deal with the emotions themselves.   

It feels sometimes like people expect you to be over it within a certain amount of time.  Like I feel this would be inappropriate to continue bringing up to my friends week after week- I don't want to be that downer friend.  But it's not just a loss of life, it also eats away at your hope for the future.  How are you supposed to be over that so soon? I had a very dear friend tell me, "Dont put your grieving on a timetable," and basically, that it is my timing, no one else's.  That was great advice- it makes me feel like it's still ok to be sad.

Sometimes I also feel torn between two feelings- feeling that it might be irresponsible to even consider creating life if you can't maintain that life.  I'm pretty sure that is not even close to true, but the guilt hits pretty hard when it is your own body not preserving these pregnancies. The other feeling is wanting to make it all up by having a healthy baby- and wondering if that will ever happen.  And wondering if a healthy baby would even take away the pain of the losses or the memory of what could have been - or even if it should.  

One more thing I want to talk about- a new opportunity for me.  For a long time now, Kevin and I have discussed the idea of me going back to school to get some kind of tech degree and have some sort of marketable skill aside from music.  My music degree was a degree of passion and I don't regret it in the least, but working in that field for me is not conducive to my family life that I want.  Or the level of stress I'm ok with.  For a long time we looked into Diagnostic Medical Sonography programs- but knowing it would have to be a long time in the future after Kevin finished his doctorate because it requires so much time out of the home.  

So I started looking into Medical Transcription a while ago, but the programs were as much as 33,000. Yeah, seriously.  Also people have been worried about the jobs shrinking because of Dragon software.  So, I found a program for about 3000 that's actually a Medical Transcription Editor program- (meaning you are the person that looks over Dragon's work, along with transcribing yourself.)  It is an all online program, gives you a year to finish it, has payment options, and has a post-grad support team that works with you until you find a job.  I've spent some time on the phone and emailing this school- every person I've talked to has been extremely helpful and understanding, and well, pleasant to talk to. I'm actually moving right next to their "home base" in just under two months, so I could even sit in on their RMT exam (separate from the certificate program).  When I find a job, potentially, I would have the ability to work in an office, or at home setting my own hours.  They make about 15 dollars an hour starting out, which is like twice what I make now.  And working with an national employer, I could take my job with me wherever we move for Doctorate school.  

I know there is always some risk involved here, but it doesn't really feel like a risk.  Even if I don't get a job right away, if I keep looking I'm sure a position will open (85% of their graduates were employed within 2 months).  Plus it's got to be better than not working while Kevin is in Grad School and not working himself.  And, for me, education is never wasted. This program has a lot of basic medical knowledge that needs to be learned, and would be a good foundation for anything else pretty much.  Why not have a degree in music, then get some experience in this field and eventually get my CMT?  I don't like to peak- I like to keep learning.  If I wasn't a mom, I'd probably be one of those people that goes for degree after degree.

I have been praying for a while (when I feel up to praying, I need to work on that) just saying I felt like I need to go in a new direction and do something different- so far I feel pretty peaceful about this- no red flags telling me that this isn't what I've been looking for.  We are just waiting to hear back from the bank now on the loan.  Sometimes I feel guilty about the excitement I get from having a difference like this in my life- the opportunities that open up since I'm not having another baby right now- but it comes and goes.

Plus, this is 670 hours of something to distract me other than dishes and TV....and of course, jury duty this week.  

What can I say? Once a student, always a student...it's something I've always been really good at.  It feels good to do something you're good at.