Contrast

 Like any woman who has ever been through anything hormonal- I've felt pretty bipolar lately.  I get little bursts of excitement or happiness about things in my life or things I want to do, but then it swings back hard the other way as I'm trying to come to terms with my grieving.  I've just been having such contrasting emotions lately, and I don't think I've been keeping them "In Balance".  I saw this on a friend's Facebook and I thought it would be a good reminder to me about how to be happy overall, even when you're sad.  

I don't know if its a little bit of postpartum depression or what but I've been crying a lot lately- its all coming out, that deeper sorrow that takes a few weeks to come around when you've accepted what's happened and you can't help but being cliche and asking God why.  Why would you take three of my babies from me in a row?  You knew this would kill me and break me down more than anything else ever.  What is the reason here?  From my eyes, my friends' babies are all healthy and keep growing, and mine don't.  I never make it to that ultrasound appointment- never get to put that picture proudly on my fridge.

Here is a poem my friend sent to me who also experienced three miscarriages.  It is a very tender poem and I am thankful for it:

I thought of you and closed my eyes,
and prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother,
And I know I heard him say;
A mother has a baby,
This we know is true,
But, God, can you be a mother
When your baby's not with you?
Yes, you can he replied,
With confidence in his voice.
I give women babies,
When they leave is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for a day,
And some I send to feel your womb,
But theres no need to stay.
I just don't understand this God,
I want my baby here.
He took a breath and cleared his throat,
And then I saw a tear.
I wish that i could show you,
What your child is doing today,
if you could see your child smile,
with other children who say:
We go to earth and learn our lessons,
Of love and life and fear.
My mommy loved me oh so much,
I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a mom,
Who had so much love for me. 
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My mommy set me free.
I miss my mommy oh so much,
But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow's where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear,
"Mommy don't don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here."
So you see my dear sweet one,
Your children are OK.
Your babies are here in My home,
They'll be at heaven's gate for you.
So now you see what makes a mother,
It's the feeling in your heart. 
It's the love you had so much of,
Right from the very start.
Though some on earth may not realize you are a mother,
until their time is done.
They'll be up here with me one day,
And you'll know that you're the best one!
-Author Unknown

I try to live happily and be productive but I have this blanket of sadness and lack of motivation- no energy and mostly a huge hole in my heart that I'm not sure how to live through day to day.  That lack of energy and motivation leads to other problems- not losing the weight, not having a clean house, feeling lazy, feeling worthless, and that makes me more depressed.  I have all this anxiety and I don't feel all that healthy. I wake up every morning with a headache and feel sick to my stomach during the day.

I don't know why I have this constant impatience to have another baby.  I don't know why all of this had to happen to me, but the one thing I do know is I'm not ready to go through it again- so why does it ache to see every belly, every ultrasound, and every newborn? To want those sleepless nights, and days where everything you own smells like sour milk?  When you feel like it's 4 in the morning all the time, and look and feel like a zombie?

I go to bed every night telling myself to be positive- tomorrow will be a better day. Then I sleep restlessly and wake with a headache, and pretty much the next day turns out like the day before. 

I'm almost sure it's thyroid related- the weight, feeling melancholy, my hair coming out by the handfuls, the exhaustion and feeling like I never sleep enough-  but it takes 6 weeks for the thyroid to stabilize just enough to even test levels again- by that point hopefully it will be balanced enough that I won't need a higher dose of  medication than I’m on- but it's still hard to muscle through to that point.

Overall, I've settled back into life, but I still get sudden bouts of sadness and that yearning to mourn.  All those things I planned last week are going ok, playing percussion is good, tutoring got approved but no students yet (probably won't get any in this area), and songwriting, well that hasn't come close to happening.

Sometimes I even get sudden guilt when I'm happy, like how could I just go back to life as if nothing had happened- that's what other people do, not me.  These were my babies, I can't just let them go.  But at the same time, if I don't let them go to a degree, how will I ever be happy again?  Typing this out I know this is textbook stages of grief, but that doesn't make it any easier to deal with the emotions themselves.   

It feels sometimes like people expect you to be over it within a certain amount of time.  Like I feel this would be inappropriate to continue bringing up to my friends week after week- I don't want to be that downer friend.  But it's not just a loss of life, it also eats away at your hope for the future.  How are you supposed to be over that so soon? I had a very dear friend tell me, "Dont put your grieving on a timetable," and basically, that it is my timing, no one else's.  That was great advice- it makes me feel like it's still ok to be sad.

Sometimes I also feel torn between two feelings- feeling that it might be irresponsible to even consider creating life if you can't maintain that life.  I'm pretty sure that is not even close to true, but the guilt hits pretty hard when it is your own body not preserving these pregnancies. The other feeling is wanting to make it all up by having a healthy baby- and wondering if that will ever happen.  And wondering if a healthy baby would even take away the pain of the losses or the memory of what could have been - or even if it should.  

One more thing I want to talk about- a new opportunity for me.  For a long time now, Kevin and I have discussed the idea of me going back to school to get some kind of tech degree and have some sort of marketable skill aside from music.  My music degree was a degree of passion and I don't regret it in the least, but working in that field for me is not conducive to my family life that I want.  Or the level of stress I'm ok with.  For a long time we looked into Diagnostic Medical Sonography programs- but knowing it would have to be a long time in the future after Kevin finished his doctorate because it requires so much time out of the home.  

So I started looking into Medical Transcription a while ago, but the programs were as much as 33,000. Yeah, seriously.  Also people have been worried about the jobs shrinking because of Dragon software.  So, I found a program for about 3000 that's actually a Medical Transcription Editor program- (meaning you are the person that looks over Dragon's work, along with transcribing yourself.)  It is an all online program, gives you a year to finish it, has payment options, and has a post-grad support team that works with you until you find a job.  I've spent some time on the phone and emailing this school- every person I've talked to has been extremely helpful and understanding, and well, pleasant to talk to. I'm actually moving right next to their "home base" in just under two months, so I could even sit in on their RMT exam (separate from the certificate program).  When I find a job, potentially, I would have the ability to work in an office, or at home setting my own hours.  They make about 15 dollars an hour starting out, which is like twice what I make now.  And working with an national employer, I could take my job with me wherever we move for Doctorate school.  

I know there is always some risk involved here, but it doesn't really feel like a risk.  Even if I don't get a job right away, if I keep looking I'm sure a position will open (85% of their graduates were employed within 2 months).  Plus it's got to be better than not working while Kevin is in Grad School and not working himself.  And, for me, education is never wasted. This program has a lot of basic medical knowledge that needs to be learned, and would be a good foundation for anything else pretty much.  Why not have a degree in music, then get some experience in this field and eventually get my CMT?  I don't like to peak- I like to keep learning.  If I wasn't a mom, I'd probably be one of those people that goes for degree after degree.

I have been praying for a while (when I feel up to praying, I need to work on that) just saying I felt like I need to go in a new direction and do something different- so far I feel pretty peaceful about this- no red flags telling me that this isn't what I've been looking for.  We are just waiting to hear back from the bank now on the loan.  Sometimes I feel guilty about the excitement I get from having a difference like this in my life- the opportunities that open up since I'm not having another baby right now- but it comes and goes.

Plus, this is 670 hours of something to distract me other than dishes and TV....and of course, jury duty this week.  

What can I say? Once a student, always a student...it's something I've always been really good at.  It feels good to do something you're good at.