Relapse

I seriously considered not writing about this experience.  But in an effort to really make this blog part of my healing process, I think I need to put the ugly in with the good.  This whole story really caught me off guard and I want to write it carefully, because it’s a delicate thing and I don’t want to be offensive.  I learned some lessons though, and that’s what makes it important.  I went to a gender reveal party for someone very close to me, whom I love very much.  I am so thrilled about this little baby coming into the world, and all the joy this baby is bringing.  I’ve gotten to the point in my healing process where I don’t get nervous about these parties anymore; I realize that they may cause me to twinge here and there in remembrance, but I want to take part in the celebrating! I don’t want to be that person that lets their personal issues ruin a party, or be selfish enough to make something joyful all about ME, not about the baby.  I don’t want people to tip toe around me, and I don’t want to be excluded from events.  My dedication to these ideas usually helps me swallow anything difficult and have a sincerely good time! 

For some reason, this time was different and I had a “relapse” if you will, of all the progress I’ve made.  At least that’s how it felt.  The start of the party was really fun and exciting and I was having a good time.  Seeing the decorations about “welcome baby” and such made me think of the baby that I was due with in about 2.5 months from now, and that was hard, but I swallowed that feeling and looked at Jack and thought about how grateful I was, and continued to have a good time.  We started passing around ultrasound pictures and that’s when it started, this feeling of sorrow, spreading from my heart to all my limbs.  It really caught me off guard because it honestly had nothing to do with this beautiful child, and I learned that grief sometimes just has triggers.  Though I had tears behind my eyes, I wouldn’t let them come out.  That would be so selfish and rude.  So I told myself to adjust my attitude and marvel at the wonder that I was in front of me.  So everyone continued to talk about the excitement this baby would bring to the older siblings, to the family, and such.  I wholeheartedly agreed but tried not to talk too much for fear of everything spilling out. 

We all popped in the DVD of the ultrasound and that was my breaking point.  I look on the screen to see this perfect heartbeat- it was like a fairy tale.  How does this really happen?  I push down the bitter feelings that “people take this for granted”- I know that’s a reaction, I know that’s not true.  I felt like a monster- how could watching this amazing heartbeat on an innocent child bring up this poison from inside me?  That’s when I learned again- trigger.  It had nothing to do with the baby, it was just a trigger.  It was a gateway.  When I looked at that ultrasound, my mind was far away.  In my last ultrasound appointment. 

It was the middle of the night, in an emergency room.  I was alone, across the country from my husband.  I was laying on a cold bed, bleeding, having uncaring strangers shoving probes and needles in wherever they so pleased.  They were looking, hunting really, for any sign of life in me.  It was gone.  They only found remnants of what had been there.  I remember trying to watch the screen as they did the ultrasound, praying to see anything.  There was no heart beat.  There was no perfectly formed organs or movement.  That memory smells like a hospital- like latex gloves and bandaids.  I was freezing, I thought the shivering would never stop.  My back was in horrendous pain that didn’t ease up until I took some prescription pain killers hours later.  I felt disgusted with myself for having to change clothes because of the bleeding when I finally got home.  I felt condemned when I told the doctor who came into my makeshift room that this was the third time in a row, and I knew how it was going to go.  I remember him trying to be hopeful saying my HCG was just low, until I told him my previous numbers from home.  He saw how drastically it had dropped and he just shook his head.  My phone stopped working when I tried to call my husband, and ironically enough, my mom who I was visiting was with my younger brother, who had fallen and hit his head and was also in the ER.  He showed up less than an hour after I got there.  I felt so alone.  It was the ultimate feeling of loneliness.  I didn’t know the hospital staff, my mother wasn’t there, my husband wasn’t there, my baby was dead.  It was an awful night in my life.  I talked to God for a long time, and He helped take some of that loneliness away.  Eventually, my mom rushed back to my room, and my phone started working again, and I got to go home.  Things got better, but I had to learn to suppress the pain of that memory if I was ever to have a happy life again!  It was very easy to fall into depression after a third loss in a row, because it felt hopeless and I felt worthless. 

I feel that I’ve done a good job overcoming that, and that’s why I was so shocked to feel this deep pain well up inside me when I watched that video.  It was physical.  It felt like I was having a heart attack.  Kevin wasn’t there with me and I once again felt alone in a room full of people.  Later that night, when Kevin got home from work I asked him if we could just go for a drive, to get some fresh air.  That’s when the tears came.  I was so relived they did because I felt this building pressure inside of me and I didn’t know how to get relief.  I tried to tell him how I felt and what had happened but all that came out was uncontrollable sobbing.  I was so ashamed of myself.  Haven’t I made it past this point yet?  When I could start talking I spoke of my fear and anxiety that this pain will never go away.  I spoke of my fear that even if I make it to the point in a pregnancy where I can have a beautiful ultrasound of my own that I will never be able to relax and feel confident that the baby will live, and be delivered normally and healthily.  I’ve never had a late loss, but in my doctor’s appointments I’ve been forced to accept that possibility, though they assure me they are sure that risk is low.  I have a family member that had two stillborn children; she has blood issues similar to mine.  I know that possibility is there.  Will I ever enjoy being pregnant again?  Will I enjoy feeling that life, or will the anxiety take over?  I’m sure I will always enjoy having a life grow inside me, even if I can just hold onto them for a few short weeks.  But I miss the ignorance I had with my pregnancy with Jack.  Things went perfectly and I didn’t think anything of it, because that’s just how they were supposed to go.  When I found out I was pregnant, it was simple in my mind that I would deliver a baby.  I will never have that again, it will never be that simple.  That’s hard to swallow.  I talked to Kevin about lots of other things relating to losing babies or having babies in the future, and just things in our relationship that have to do with all of it. 

Even though I’m not proud of this “relapse” I had, I realize it is healthy to just let it happen when it needs to.  Let the grief come out, and take that moment, then move on and continue to be happy.  So, to you, new baby that I was blessed to see last night.  I am so thankful that you have a perfect healthy brain, and heart, and organs. You are beautiful and your coming into this world will bring so many joy.  I’m sorry that something so wonderful could take me back to a memory so horrible but I have the hope that someday I will see a miracle in my life as precious as you are.         

Happy

A few days ago I had my appointment with a specialist at a Maternal Fetal Medicine clinic in a hospital near Salt Lake.  It was a wonderful appointment and I feel like it was extremely productive in answering my questions.  The best part was- we came up with a plan. A plan! I know I still have decisions to make and research to do, but I don’t feel like I have these looming questions about what I am going to do and when.  Here is the non-medical jargon plan in a nutshell.

     1.  Go off of my hormonal birth control for now, to let everything even out and have my natural normal cycles.  This is what I wanted to do so I’m glad she agreed.

     2.  Start on the baby aspirin daily, right now.  My doctors have told me that because of my blood clotting risks I’m a candidate to take aspirin all the time, but I usually avoid medications unless it’s really necessary.  If I keep my blood thin for a few months before getting pregnant my chances are better.  The only thing I was worried about with the aspirin was that it could mess with effective implantation and give the pregnancy a bad start.  She told me that chemically that didn’t make any sense to her- and the aspirin shouldn’t affect the beginning placenta because of the way it attaches.  I’ve been able to get pregnant easily on aspirin before, and it seems like if it caused problems it would have taken me longer.  I was still on the fence then I was reading some clinical studies online and read that if anything the aspirin makes it easier to get pregnant and keep it because it increases uterine blood flow.  When I read that I felt confident that this would be a good choice for my body and not harmful to the baby.  I started on aspirin with Jack at 5 weeks 5 days and we noticed no negative results with him. So I started aspirin today.  Bring on the nosebleeds.  I’m also starting my prenatals again to feel nice and energized and healthy for a few months beforehand.

      3.  The Lovenox issue.  I mean, granted I hate the shots, but also I was wondering the effectiveness of them.  Every time I would lose a baby the OBs would say “more blood thinners! Stronger! Sooner!” But the more I learned about what’s going on inside my body and what science said, it didn’t make a whole lot of sense to me. I know that Lovenox is a miracle for many women, but I’m not sure if it makes sense for me. Talking to the doctors who knew more about it, their opinion was “since you’ve never had a blood clot, if you have a viable pregnancy the aspirin should take care of it.”  Fortunately for me the specialist agreed and shed some additional light. She said without a history of blood clots, and especially taking Lovenox in pregnancy, the drug actually acts as more of an anti-inflammatory rather than an anti-coagulant! Who knew! She said they’ve had the same anti-inflammatory results just from supplementing with progesterone! Which was my next question anyway, I really wanted to look into this supplementation.

      4.  Progesterone.  I’ve known that this helps prevent miscarriages way before I ever had one.  But they checked my levels with the last two and they were “fine.” However, I had severe back labor pains when I lost the babies and I’ve read that can be a sign of your progesterone dropping.  Without that hormone your body can’t keep the pregnancy.  The other wonderful thing about this stuff is that as far as risk versus benefit, there’s not really a risk (not when we’re talking high risk pregnancy anyway).  My question was, if it can’t hurt, might help, can I just do it?  While there’s not a huge amount of scientific proof available to say that progesterone works miracles, I’ve known people it has worked for.  You just take it during the first trimester usually.  She agreed with my logic and especially since it would act similarly to Lovenox in an anti-inflammatory way.  If it helps me keep the next baby, I’m willing to try about anything.  She wrote me a prescription and I picked it up to keep on hand.  She was amazing to do that.  Half my problem is that from the time I take a positive test to the time I lose the babies is usually 2-3 weeks.  It’s hard to get an appointment, call in, get the rx, etc.  So I just have it on hand.  That way as soon as I take a positive test, I can start supplementation the same day.  Amazing load off my mind. I was wondering about my progesterone anyway.  While it may have been fine with Jack, my body chemistry was very different back then.  My thyroid didn’t crash until I stopped breastfeeding so I can only imagine it changed all of my hormones and any balance I may have had in that area.

       5.  Tracking.  I told her that worst case scenario I was worried that if I have to lose my next baby, we wouldn’t be able to learn everything we needed to about when so that we could figure out the why.  If you do HCG readings a week apart you never quite know when the numbers drop.  Our plan is for me to call as soon as I’m pregnant- and they will do HCG blood draws every other day to check the growth.  Once I reach HCG 2000 I will have an ultrasound once a week until they see a nice strong heartbeat, at which time I can go back to my regular OB.  They feel if I get to that point everything will be fine.  What I wouldn’t give to see and hear and beautiful healthy heart on a monitor!!  They would also track my thyroid to make sure it’s not adding to the problem. 

We talked about that “luteal placenta shift” which is where I seem to lose the babies, and basically concluded if I can get past that little bump in the pregnancy that everything should do just fine.  I pray the progesterone would see me through that difficult transition to the placenta nourishing the baby and making the hormones.  I would hope the aspirin keeps the placenta healthy enough to do so.  All my lupus and APS antibodies came back negative recently so I am so thankful that is not a factor now. 

I feel happy.  I feel hopeful.  I feel validated.  I don’t feel like all is lost, I’m not despairing.  For the first time in a long time, I actually feel excited.  They told me I’ve been wise to wait to try again and now that it’s nearing the 6^th month mark, it’s fine with them for us to try again.  We are not quite there yet, but it is comforting to have the green flag from the doctor and have a plan in place.  I just need to remember to stay at peace- if it’s time, everything will be ok.  If I can just get past that point where I’ve lost them before.  I just need to trust my body can do the rest.  If I just need to sit and do nothing for the first few weeks, to mentally focus and “protect” my belly, my doctor told me that is totally ok!  They are going to monitor everything, so if I have to lose another, we should have the data to at least help us understand when.  I don’t have any huge disorders that are screaming “this is why you lost the babies” but I have enough small problems collectively that might continue to cause issues- even though they have ruled out causation for some of those problems.  I realize now that I might have losses sometimes and other times I’ll have healthy  children.  Hopefully.  And really, there is no good science for any of this.  We’re just trying our best.  I feel like I’ve done everything I can do.  The doctor complimented me on being wise in my thinking, asking good questions, and doing my research.  That helps put my mind at ease. 

Today God’s grace has filled my soul and  I feel His warmth, and that gift, at least for today, has taken my pain away and filled it with hope. 

I was so glad to have a doctor who is so experienced in this type of medicine, but also who clearly had a heart!  And actually, it was really comforting to talk to a woman, as most of my doctors have been men. 

Part of me has disassociated being pregnant with having a new baby.  So I really need to make sure I’m ready for another child, not just another pregnancy.  I need to be prepared for a miracle.  I know we need to make it a matter of prayer and really talk to the Lord about it so I know it’s the right time.  Only He knows what will happen, and only He really knows my heart and whether it is ready for either outcome.  I also want to pray about the “plan” to confirm I should feel good about every aspect. 

I can’t honestly say my fear is gone.  I’ll be in the middle of a happy thought and it creeps up and strangles it out of me but I don’t want to live in fear.  Blogging has been really healthy for me.  I’ve been considering whether or not I want to blog about my experiences if I do become pregnant sometime in the recent future.  Most of the time people wait to announce for privacy and in case of the worst- but that’s pretty much all out in the open with me!  I may write and just choose to publish those posts later depending on the outcome.  But I thank my readers because I can feel support in numbers alone and also in your comments.

I sat up in bed last night just crying- not a sad cry necessarily- just contemplating everything and all these decisions I need to make.  Tears just kept streaming down my cheeks for a long time.  I think it’s just because it's really important.  It wouldn't be so hard if it wasn't so important. Things have been working out and falling into place with all these new doctors and I have to take that as some sort of a signal that we are on the right path and doing what we are supposed to be doing now.  I need to trust that I'll know in my heart when it is time to try again, despite the crushing fear.  I have to trust that if God tells me it's time to try again if I so desire, that either the blessing of a child, or the struggle of a 4th loss will be what we need in our family at that time. I just need to trust that He knows when and why, and all I can do is all I can do.

Getting Back Into It

It’s been a long time since I’ve written.  I haven’t stopped thinking about writing, but I made a decision to really try to put everything on the shelf for a little while.  Whenever my thoughts started to get crowded about everything to do with my health, my future babies, and the babies I’ve lost, I really had to just tell myself “I’m not going to think about this right now, I need a break.”  So I took one, and it has been really healthy for me.  The issues are never far from my thoughts, but choosing to ignore them at least for a little while has helped me heal.  Now I feel stronger and more ready to face the battles ahead.  I’m not as sensitive as I was, and though the pain is still there I’ve learned to live with it in a way that still allows me to be happy.  Some may call it denial or lying to myself by trying not to ignore everything for a few months, but I think my brain and my heart just needed a break, and now I’m ready to get back into it.

Even though the stress or overwhelming feelings still creep up, and even though sadness can suddenly hit me in the middle of a normal day, I have spent fewer nights crying and more time laughing.  I’m starting to get to the point where I can genuinely talk to friends and family members who are expecting without talking myself through every sentence and trying to keep the tears from coming. I’ve learned to tell myself “It’s their time right now; your time will come again someday.  Celebrate this time of life with them, because you’ll want support when it’s your turn too, despite what they are dealing with in their lives.” 

And amazingly, the less I feel bitter, the more I feel that we are in the exact right place that we need to be in.  I’ve been learning to trust God's will above my wants, and continually remind myself that this is where He wants our family to be now, and this is the size that He wants us to stay for a while longer.  And that attitude has brought me happiness.  There are times now when I am playing with Jack that I am so overcome with joy.  He’s not a baby anymore, and so we are interacting on a whole new level.  I am getting to know him, with all of his special traits and gifts.  He is so bright, loving, funny, sweet, thoughtful, and intelligent.  I really am blessed to have this special time with him and be able to focus on his needs more than I would if I also had a small baby at this time.  Though it’s not what I wanted, I’ve really come to see it as a blessing and until the day comes that we are blessed with another child I want to enjoy the privilege I have of focusing on an only child, and everything that entails.  Parents with one child simply get to live life differently than parents with more than one, for the most part.  I’m trying to look for the good in it. For example... I wouldn’t trade being married to my husband for anything, but there are those times I remember the benefits that were around when I was single.  Before I had a family, I had to focus on my goals, my career plans, my schedule, my tastes, my budget, etc etc.  I wouldn’t go back, because being single was hard too in different ways.  But I remember the good that was there that I somewhat took for granted.  I imagine it is the same when you go from one child to two.  So I’m trying to see those benefits now. 

I’ve been looking for opportunities to share my story or help others in similar circumstances, and those moments have presented themselves.  I realize I am able to have a level of empathy for people that I would not otherwise have, and hopefully, be able to bless lives I wouldn’t otherwise be able to bless.  It’s not all sunshine and butterflies but small victories play such a huge part in the overall mental health I’ve had lately.  One experience I was grateful to have was finding out that October is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month.  I was able to spend some time on the internet reading some stories that women have shared, pictures of their babies who only lived a short time, stories of miscarriages, and every imaginable thing in between.  Though it is sad, I did feel empowered to belong to a group of such strong women who can go on with hope and honor the memories of their children who they carried but did not get to meet, who were born sleeping, or only lived a short while.  And on the 15^th I will be able to participate in what is called the “Wave of Light” where at 7-8pm a candle is lit for each baby that you are mourning.  Though I often try to put these experiences out of my mind, I know it is important to take time for sacred moments to remember, and to honor, the start of life that I was not able to bring into the world.  To take that hour to have a moment of silence, to remember, pray, to cry a little, then move on a little stronger.  I really appreciate that Ronald Regan took the time to bring awareness to this issue, along with awareness of those who have been through traumatic abortions.  He wanted to encourage more adoption and less abortion, as so many who have chosen abortion have suffered with that decision for years after.  Here is part of his speech from 1988:

“Each year, approximately a million pregnancies in the United States end in miscarriage, stillbirth, or the death of the newborn child. National observance of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, 1988, offers us the opportunity to increase our understanding of the great tragedy involved in the deaths of unborn and newborn babies. It also enables us to consider how, as individuals and communities, we can meet the needs of bereaved parents and family members and work to prevent causes of these problems... The Congress, by Senate Joint Resolution 314, has designated the month of October 1988 as ``Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month'' and authorized and requested the President to issue a proclamation in observance of this month.” –Ronald Regan

I guess we are always learning lessons as moms, which is a good thing.  I’ve been thinking about sacrifice lately.  We all know that parents sacrifice a lot for their children, and that’s what makes our love for them so strong.  This week I’ve had an experience that’s reminded me of that.  I am so blessed to stay home with Jack, we stay busy and are the “glue” of the household.  With running the errands, doing the budget, planning appointments, laundry, coloring together, playing pretend, and everything else that goes on we certainly have plenty to do.  With Kevin quitting his second job and being in the process of getting a new second job, he really needs to be available to work from 6 or 7 in the morning to 7 or 8 at night. As of now, this will most likely be his new schedule.  As every stay at home mom does, sometimes I get these cravings to go out and have success in a new way.  I know I am busy with school right now training in Medical Transcription Editing, but I also have a Bachelor’s Degree in music that I worked really hard for a long time to have.  Sometimes I want to be using that degree.  Especially when money gets tight and I think about the money I could be making as a professional.  I know it’s not much when you compare careers on the internet, but for us right now, even a little extra money helps a lot.  I had this job offer of sorts to be the music teacher to three boys who are homeschooled.  I got so excited, it was only going to be two hours a week, but at 20 bucks an hour that helps a bit.  But when we really examined the situation, the gas to get to and from Salt Lake was a lot in comparison to what I was making.  Then the big problem- if Kevin is busy from 7-7 and they live a half hour away, when was I going to teach? It didn’t make enough to where he wouldn’t need a second job.  I couldn’t take Jack with me, and I couldn’t leave him here.  Even if the students came to my house, Jack would be pulling at me the whole time and that’s not fair to the students.  Drop in daycare would cost as much as I would make.  I knew in my heart it was just going to cause us more stress than anything else.  Especially with me in school right now, it’s not really a good time for me to try and pick up new students and build any kind of a business. I don’t really teach piano and I can’t teach drum set, which is what people are mostly interested in.  We could move at any time if we hear back from the grad schools we are still applying to.  It’s a hard sacrifice sometimes not to work.  Honestly at times it sounds like a welcome break from losing my mind being “at home” all the time.  It’s not that I’m not busy now, it just is tempting to get out of the house, make a contribution, make some money, teach kids a love for music and all of those rewarding things.  I had lesson plans and fun ideas racing through my mind and I think I felt sad because I could have been really good at it.  Then I look at Jack and think- it would have been hard on him, and me.  Some dreams you just have to put on hold to live out better dreams.  And that, is what sacrifice means as a parent.  I always kind of assumed I would either be working, or stay at home and have lots of babies.  It has been an interesting situation for me to not be able to feasibly work even part time (day care preschool costs are outrageous) and stay home with one baby.  Sometimes I feel like “What am I supposed to be doing with my life?  I can’t go out and have a career.  Also I can’t have any more babies right now.”  It can be confusing but all I need to know now is that I’m Jack’s mommy and that’s enough. 

Wow this is getting long.  Sorry.  With that huge lead in, I’ve decided we want to start preparing with our doctors and have a plan for when we want to try again.  If I start working on a plan, I can remind myself of the faith and hope we have that someday it will work.  I go through physical actions to strengthen what I try to feel in my heart.  I have an apt to see a specialist on Wednesday.  They got me in with only about 6 weeks notice, so that is pretty impressive for this area of medicine.  He specializes in pregnancy loss and blood diseases, so I pray that this is the right doctor for us.

Before I could go to the specialist, I knew I needed to establish a regular OB to work with.  I searched around on the internet and found a clinic pretty close that I felt good about.  I had an apt with my new doctor a few weeks ago.  I was just planning on going in for a quick thyroid check, to make sure the new dosage is working.  I was going to briefly tell him my history just so he knew the situation and basically tell him, I’ll meet with the specialist and let you know if I need anything.  I was so wrong about this appointment, in a very good way!  Turns out he wanted to know a lot about my miscarriages.  You know how sometimes we see tender mercies from the Lord plain as day right when they happen?  That’s what happened here.  He explained to me that his wife is Protein S deficient (causes blood clotting problems similar to what I have experienced).  She also has had three miscarriages, and she experienced a 28 weeks loss on top of that.  I hope I never have to have that horrible experience.  As if that wasn’t strange enough that they’ve had the same situation, when I told him I have the rarer type of MTHFR, he told me he has that too!  He was able to explain more about it to me.  I felt so loved by God to find this doctor who has dealt with the same health problems and losses as us in his own family.  I take his opinion very seriously because he is telling me about his own children.  They have had losses and they have also had more children.  She actually is pregnant right now.  His wife has done a combination of aspirin and lovenox injections just like me.  He hates the shots as much as me, what?! This opinion is so different from any of my other doctors!  He doesn’t see how they are necessary considering my medical history.  I won’t go into all the details, but he just thinks that if the pregnancy is viable then aspirin will suffice.  The baby his wife delivered when she was on Lovenox survived, but he was early and very small (problems with intrauterine growth restriction) and there were complications with the placenta.  Scary shots.  That’s kind of how I felt all along.  And I often thought about how Jack was fine when I just took aspirin.  He talked about more details (which I won’t bore you with) about why he feels that way.  I felt very validated in my opinions by him.  I felt less afraid to try again just using aspirin, and not as guilty.  It was hard for me to distinguish whether I felt bad about doing the shots just because they are horribly painful or if they actually weren’t good for me.  We talked about genetic testing a little, but we aren’t too interested in that at this moment because most likely it won’t bring any helpful news, it’s insanely expensive, and wouldn’t probably change a plan of action anyway.  We talked about progesterone supplementation and a few other things.  He told me which questions to take to my specialist.  Here’s the next amazing thing- his wife is seeing the same specialist as me.  Validated.  I think I found the right doctor! I don’t know when we will decide to try for another baby, our life is kind of in limbo at the moment and I have to take that into consideration despite the difficulty I feel in waiting.  I try to find excitement in getting as healthy as I can and getting as much information as I can so that next time, we can be totally ready.  It will have been at least 6 months since the last miscarriage, and most likely at least 8 before we decide to try again, and I pray that my body will have healed and recovered much better as opposed to the 2-3 months in between the other pregnancies. 

Unfortunately the tests my new OB did came back to show that my Protein S and C are low (we are not sure if that means I am technically deficient yet or not).  So now not only do I have two things in my blood that increase clotting risk; we know that my body’s natural defense against blood clots isn’t working very well. So, double whammy there.  What I hope for at this time is healthy children in the future, while accepting that I will probably experience more losses as well in between those blessings.  I look forward to my specialist appointment and I hope I can feel the spirit as he talks to us so that I can know what is right for our family now.  

Jack Jack

I know I haven't taken the time to write in a while. We are moving this week so it has been a little crazy, but I want to take the time to at least write a short post- about my Jack Jack.  This year has been a really hard one emotionally for me.  There are still days where I wonder if I will ever come out of it all the way- this rut that I feel like I'm in.  I used to count my blessings just to distract me from the hurt, but I am learning now to really be happy because of my blessings.  I have a really good life- for countless reasons.  One in particular is my son Jack.  When we started having miscarriages I looked at him differently because I didn't know how many babies I would have. I looked at him differently because I didn't understand how he was even here.  But now, I look at him and marvel, just because of who he is.

Don't get me wrong, coming into the 2-year-old stage is hard, but I'm actually really loving this age.  He talks to me all the time about everything, and I just love seeing the way he thinks and how he sets out to do things.  He is an extremely bright child and always astounds me with his memory, his knowledge of things I don't remember teaching him, his excitement to learn, his forgiveness and love.  He is so sweet to his mommy and makes me smile and laugh a countless number of times a day.

I have learned to look at him as a true miracle and take so much comfort in knowing that God sent him to us regardless of my body's capacities.  I am learning to trust that it is possible again, but in the meantime, I'm so thankful for the time I have to focus on Jack.  We would be thrilled had the pregnancies been successful and we would have another child now; but I still have joy in the life I have.  Jack really deserves all of my attention and care, he deserves more than I give him each day.  I need to invest more time in helping him learn, playing with him, and watching what he teaches me.  He is so full of life, and in the past few weeks I have come to understand just how he really is my pride and joy.  And that's enough.  We would love to experience that feeling again, but I don't have to sit around and wait for the miracle of raising a child.  It's already happening now.  The pride and joy doesn't go away or wear off, it just grows with him.

He seems like he is growing so fast, so I'm trying to find that balance of looking forward to the future but enjoying each moment.  Just trying to relax and be patient with him on hard days.  In the end that's what matters and the good memories are what we take with us.  I am so thankful for you Jack Jack, I love you without measure.

Trusting God in New Trials

I had several things I wanted to write about.  Usually as time goes on I make little notes of things I want to write about on a sticky note on the desktop of my computer.  Tonight when I sat down to write about all of it, the sticky note was gone.  Somehow when my computer restarted it didn't come back.  Needless to say I'll need to save it in a better place from now on, and despite how upset I feel (kind of trying not to cry right now) I guess this will narrow the post down to what is really important and make it easier to read.

This post really is about challenges; I'm learning all about having new challenges.  Exhibit A, weight loss.  I've never been super skinny with a barbie-like flat tummy, but most of my life I was a healthy weight, and didn't have to feel embarrassed about how I looked.  I didn't have to go buy new clothes because my old ones didn't fit anymore.  This is the first time I'm experiencing the range of emotions that goes along with actually needing to lose weight.  Even though I'm not at a super unhealthy weight, I do need to lose the extra pounds that the health problems put on this year. I'm learning that it is such a slow process and takes so much dedication and strength to do it the right way.  I've also learned how emotionally difficult it is and how it brings out some pretty real feelings regarding self-esteem.  It's a toughie.  Once again I pull the card, "I didn't think this was going to be my problem in life, so now I'm mad about it."  My thyroid problems make it hard to lose weight, so I have to stay positive with little steps in the right direction.  Even the fact that I am not gaining more weight is really good.  The fact that I'm eating healthier and exercising more is really good.  But in a world of fast results, sometimes it doesn't feel quite good enough.  And being hungry makes me cranky...that too. :)

Here is my big thing this month- I wrote a lot about this before but it got lost, so I'll just sum it up.  I've had some pretty real anxiety.  Now don't get me wrong- it's not just stress.  I went to college, planned a wedding, had a baby, had family problems...I've been through stressful things before.  This just feels different.  It started out like depression.  For like 2 weeks I was just crying all the time, couldn't get out of bed, then it turned more aggressive and I was more angry and snappy a lot of the time.  I know it sounds a lot like hormones, but it just felt like so much more than that.  I feel like I've started having panic attacks, and I've never had them before.  Where I instantly feel so overwhelmed that I think my head might explode.  I've had horrible and frequent headaches and have felt restless and unhappy and I have to ask, why?  Does it have to do with losing the babies or is that only part of it?

Putting everything down on lists doesn't help like it used to- I feel like my mind is overflowing all the time and I can't calm down.  The racing thoughts and headaches makes me feel like I'm going to have a heart attack or that I'm not breathing easily.  I've dealt with more stressful times than this- I know that I can handle what we have going on right now- being back in school, moving, Kevin's graduation, needing to find a real job, super tight finances, debt, learning the patience to deal with a 2 year old, all the logistical stuff in life.  I've done that kind of stuff before.  I tell myself "We got this, what are you freaking out about?"  I keep thinking of my due date, which is this week.  My mind keeps flashing into a different reality where I would be having my baby this week- how I was hoping to have it on Kevin's birthday which is Friday.

But life is always going to be stressful, and there is usually some kind of deeper trial or tragedy we are trying to handle, so I know that I really need to start managing all of this from the inside.  I've found help from some natural supplements, but mostly I need to focus on spiritual things.  I think the hardest part is just admitting that I need some help figuring it out.  I think the person I need to admit it to most, is God.  And, also to Kevin.  I have not been the most fun person to live with lately.  But I know when I include him and see him as my other half and teammate instead of another person that's in my life or house, it helps.  If I can be in a good enough mood around him that we can be in love, life is a little easier.  I need to allow myself to be happy.  It's no fun being miserable.  I hope to see him and Jack as motivation for me to be better, so I can enjoy our times together instead of feeling like I am watching them from a distance and missing out on my greatest joy because I am so deep inside myself.  I need to be responsible for my own feelings.  Sometimes I get so upset when I hear people complaining (and not in a joking way) about being pregnant.  But then I remember, they are not ignorant, I am just sensitive.  And, pregnancy is REALLY hard, bearing children is REALLY hard.  They have a right to talk about how they feel, I need to be in charge of how I let myself feel when I hear that, despite my mind firing back that they don't know how lucky they are.  Well- I am so lucky to have a wonderful child (who is so smart it blows my mind daily- I am in awe of him).  Many people never have any children of their own.  Especially at such a young age.  I am so very blessed.  Maybe I accidentally offend other people with the way I talk about other things.  I'm not a victim.
And if I remember how much Heavenly Father loves me, I remember how blessed I am.  I need to take more time to talk to him.  Take the time to do the things that are important, and then I will feel peace, I will feel better in my heart.  Serving others is the best medicine- I need to stop worrying about myself all the time. Kids are good in that way, they distract you through most of the day,  I usually post this quote somewhere in my house, it is one of the most motivating quotes to me when I feel down:

I need to give myself time to feel better in my body.  It's going to take time, I am blessed to be learning patience....but I am still in a hurry for the lesson to be over.  My body feels crazy inside, but it will probably need time to settle down.  Since I wasn't feeling like my hormones have really evened out anyway, I decided to start on the POP birth control again.  I know I've had problems with it in the past, but I'm hoping I made the right decision.  I wrote in my last post about my anxiety about ever getting pregnant without planning it and I think having some peace from feeling like I am in better control of that will actually help me a lot, despite the side effects.

Well I hope I don't sound like a crazy lady, but we've all been through phases like this before.  All I'm really trying to get across is that it is so hard to accept you're dealing with a new kind of problem; and, all that can be done about it is to look to God for answers on how to find peace, and look inside yourself to find the strength to do what He tells you.  And then, it works out.  I haven't quite gotten to that point yet with these challenges, but I have been there before with other problems.  They were eventually resolved.  He loves us.  He wants us to be happy.

I wanted to share one more thought about the scriptures-
We've heard often the scripture, that God can do all things, that nothing is impossible for Him. Well I know that doctrine well, but it had been quite a while since I stumbled upon the actual verse of scripture, here it is:

Luke 1:37 For with God nothing shall be impossible.

We know this is true, but I love so much that this particular scripture is literally referring to a miracle pregnancy.  Elizabeth had conceived and was in her 6th month, and the angel mentions to Mary that Elizabeth was "called barren" then offers the reminder that with God nothing is impossible.
He knows how much it means to women to bear children, and in His timing he really can make it possible.  I felt tears in my eyes as I read that and thought about Elizabeth.  I wonder the conversation we would have had in her day as friends, had she told me that after years of giving up hope, God had granted this miracle to her in His timing, and for His purposes (look how important the timing of her son's birth turned out to be).
He is in the details.  We were never supposed to do it all alone.  If we can learn to really talk to Him, He will show us peace even in our hardest times.


In honor of the first baby that we lost, who was due to be born this week, I wanted to post this picture that we took of Jack when we found out.  For some people, a miscarriage is something they just want to forget and put behind them.  For me, this is a family photo that I'm not really sure where to place, so I'll put it here, in memory of what might have been.  It's my "moment of silence."  Jack is going to be an amazing big brother when the right time comes, and when that special baby comes.  It may not be this week, but I hope that someday we can look back on this picture and remember a happy feeling of looking forward to the future and watching our family grow.

Taken October 2012
This may have not been the right timing, but he will be a great big brother when the day comes!

Hopeful News!

Life is looking up a little.  Our plans have been changing so rapidly lately that I've felt like we are spinning a bit out of control, but as of now, it looks as if Kevin will still be able to apply to at least two doctorate programs for Physical Therapy by the end of the year.  There's some work left to get to that point, but I think we can do it, and that means by this time next year we could be a few months into the PT program.  Not knowing where in the country or when....I guess that's kind of exciting.  An adventure is coming!

Here's to looking up.


http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2011/10/it-is-better-to-look-up?lang=eng

The link above is to an excellent talk on this very subject.

I am doing better emotionally for the most part.  I have to do a lot of positive affirmation.  When I'm having a hard day I tell myself, "I am happy of where I am in life and I'm happy with what I'm doing.  Despite anyone else's circumstances."  It's not lying to myself I decided, it's motivating myself to have the right attitude. The more I say it, the more I see it in life, and the more I realize that it's true.  Even though life still hurts here and there.  That's just life. Sometimes I have days where I suddenly get very sad remembering something we said about the babies when I was pregnant, and just get that sharp, sudden pain in my heart.  But I've learned just to take that moment to mourn and then continue with my day.  It's hard to do, but I'm getting better at it.

We got good news from the hemotologist today!  He is one of the best blessings in this area of my life- he is the most kind and understanding doctor I have ever encountered.  While the news isn't as good as "You have this really easy problem to fix, take this pill and all your problems will be solved,"  we kind of knew it was past that point anyway.  But it's still so much better than what I was expecting.

Two weeks ago he told me I met all the criteria for APS and we were just waiting on the tests to confirm it.  This was the last blood panel I really needed to do, because as he told me today, by this point they have literally tested EVERYTHING.

Results:

My homo cysteine levels were normal!!  This means that although I have the less common type of homozygous MTHFR, since my levels are good we can rule it out as a cause for the miscarriage.  This also means we don't need to worry about all the horrible neural tube birth defects associated with it.  I will always take a good B vitamin to be on the safe side- but overall, all MTHFR is going to be in my life is an added blood clotting risk, which I already deal with because of Leiden Factor V.  So, nothing new there.

Other best news ever- The antibodies and Lupus panel tested (to confirm anti phospholipid syndrome) came back NEGATIVE!  What?! We were not expecting that at all!  While it would have been nice to have an explanation why I keep miscarrying, at least it's not an autoimmune problem that swells up each time I'm pregnant and makes it so hard to keep a baby.  So I DON'T have APS!  This gave me so much more hope.  I have had a rough year keeping babies, but at least I don't have to think I have harmful antibodies hanging around in my system.  Nothing was even concerning enough to raise an eyebrow.  No indication of anything else.  Everything came back normal.  It's unfortunate that they just have to shrug and say, not quite sure why this keeps happening, most likely it's due to the blood clotting risks, but it's better than having another disease.  The bad news is that Lovenox is still my best hope, and whether it works or doesn't (but especially if it does) I'll pretty much have to use it for life.  (until like in my dreams, they come out with a pill that works the same.  It is in existence but at least ten years away from ever being accessible according to my hemotologist.)

So having fewer risk factors to deal with is the best news we can hope for at this point.  I'm just having to settle into the idea that pregnancy will always be associated with daily shots in the belly for me.  Ya, not quite settled yet.  I'll get there someday.  Basically, when we decide to try again we'll do a pre-pregnancy consultation, test the ANAs, discuss the use of asprin, etc.  It stresses me out a little now but I try not to think about it too much.

Honestly my biggest fear right now is an accidental pregnancy- considering how easily I get pregnant.  Like if I think about it too hard I will probably be pregnant.  Each of the 4 pregnancies I've had were within the first month of deciding to try (I am so thankful I don't struggle with infertility on top of recurrent miscarriage.)  Although I am being extremely cautious about it, I'm scared of an "surprise" because I'm not ready for a loss or doing the shots again (not to mention I probably need to be on asprin even before conceiving a child.)  My blood clotting issues mean I am not a candidate for taking normal, hormonal birth control (and POPs super screw up my body except for when I'm nursing), so those of you who complain about having to take a pill everyday- you are lucky.  Being pregnant means risking my health, having painful procedures or tests done (a lot it seems) and daily shots, feeling like I live at the doctor's office, and most importantly knowing there is a huge risk of losing the child.  And plus, pregnancy is pretty hard on its own.  It's a lot to take on and I really feel like I need to be ready to handle it.  It's ironic, considering how much we would love another happy healthy baby, but I think I've settled into how I'm doing things now and I'm trying to enjoy this healing period and take the benefits of only having one child at this time.  I can barely handle school with one right now.  Overall, I'm happy and more well balanced than I was a few months ago.

I am still working extremely hard on getting in shape and losing weight.  I'm exercising 3-4 days a week and have logged EVERYTHING I have eaten in the past two weeks.  That is tough, and it's hard not to feel guilty if you blow it one night (which has only happened once, thank you very much.)  But it feels like slow progress.  With the fluctuation we all have, I've lost between 2-5 pounds in two weeks.  I guess that's ok but it doesn't feel like much for how hard I'm working.  Maybe I'm gaining some muscle possibly?  I care more about losing inches than pounds so I hope my old pants start showing the results soon.

At least I'm eating healthier, but it's the hardest thing in the world to not eat what I want, when I want it- especially when I cook something yummy for everyone else.  Also it is super hard to drag my butt out of bed at 5:35 in the morning to get ready for Zumba- me and the girls leave at 5:50 for the class.  You have to be pretty dedicated for that, so naturally I want the results to be faster.  But at least on Zumba days I get to eat more :)

School is ok- it's really hard when Jack doesn't take a nap on certain days. Then I feel like literally I have between 830 and whenever I go to bed to work (and on nights before Zumba I really have to go to bed early.)  I wish I could be dedicating 4 hours a day to the program.  I really need to.  There is so much to study and memorize and not just busy work to blow through.  Hopefully things will slow down a bit when we move?  (oh my gosh that's 5 weeks away).  Percussion concert tomorrow! Hope it goes well and takes some of the stress off me.  Then I get to start being a Music Camp counselor the following week!  Focusing on the positive is exciting.  That's all we can do really to make a happy life for ourselves.

Just Do It

Before I get into the main idea I had behind this post, I want to talk about this week and our new findings out.

Honestly, it was a hard week.  One of those where I spent time pondering on "what might have been."  The second time we were pregnant, we announced it to the family the day after my cousin announced her pregnancy.  I was excited that our babies were going to be so close together, within a month of each other.  She had her baby this week.  I was so happy to see those sweet little pictures, but it hurt pretty bad too.  My first due date is a month from today.  It's hard not to think how life would be right now if I still had that baby with me.

Sometimes I hold Jack close to me and just cry and cry- I remember how it felt the first time I felt a kick, and how I could feel him move and grow; not even knowing he was the biggest miracle of my life.  I just hold him close and let the gratitude wash over me.  I'm so thankful he is here with me.

I wish I would have appreciated the pregnancy/birth/newborn stage a little more when they were happening. It was wonderful and amazing, but I automatically assumed I would have that experience again without difficulty.  Had I known, maybe I would have slowed down the wishing for him to reach the next stage or grow bigger.  I spend my days telling myself i'm ok with all of this- even though I'm not.

So, we went to the hemotologist.  For sure, I have the Leiden Factor V and Homozygous MTHFR.  But WAIT- there's MORE!  I thought this appointment was going to be going over information regarding the newly diagnosed MTHFR, which we did, but to my surprise he had a lot more information for me.  He thinks I have something else. (of course, why am I not suprised.)  While the MTHFR increases all those risks I discussed in the last post, he is not convinced it really added to the miscarriage unless my homo cysteine levels were really high (which is unlikely as long as I eat fresh food and take vitamins, vitamin B helps keep the levels down).  This is especially because I have the mutation that has the genetic code A1298C, which is apparently uncommon, and not associated with the blood clotting as much as the C677T.  That is good news at least.  I should always take a high B vitamin to help with the risk, but at least I lucked out with having the less common, less harsh type.

So let me back up for a second, a few months ago I had ANAs come up positive on some tests.  ANAs show up when you have some sort of auto immune or arthritis problem going on.  My arthritis panel came back totally negative, so it pointed to an auto immune problem.  We assumed it was thyroid auto-immune since I already have problems there, but investigating that further seemed to say that it was not thyroid auto immune. So they put it on the shelf and said we probably won't know why I had ANAs showing up unless I developed other symptoms.  

Moving forward, my wonderful hemotologist put all of this together.  The miscarriages, the clotting, the ANAs, and other patterns, and he has a new theory.  Though he tested my homo cysteine levels to help rule out the MTHFR as a cause (won't have those results for another 2 weeks), he believes I may have a condition called APS or Hughes Syndrome.  It is not a for sure diagnosis, I had some tests done for the antibodies, and will have to have several more.  He said the antibodies can show up after a miscarriage, or show up during a pregnancy and cause a miscarriage.  So the only way to really tell if the autoimmune problems are actually attacking the pregnancies is to test 3 months after a miscarriage, and see if the levels have gone down.  Next time we think about getting pregnant I'll get my levels tested beforehand, then again as soon as I get a positive pregnancy test.  We are hoping that the levels would not increase as soon as I was pregnant- that would be bad. If I understand it right, the antibodies make the blood clot even more in addition to my other two conditions.  Sometimes I wonder how I have never actually had a blood clot myself.  We just have to assume there was micro clotting in the placentas in the pregnancies we lost.

If this is the case and I have these antibodies in the blood work that comes back, the most I can hope for is that the antibodies that caused my third miscarriage were still in my system from my second miscarriage since the two were so close together, and hope that I don't actually have this auto immune disease but that the antibodies were just a result from the miscarriages.  Obviously, it will take a while to tell, and that will be hard to wait for, but I have an apt in two weeks when the blood work comes back and I'm hoping everything will make a little more sense then.  I'm still pretty confused.

If I do have this, it would continue to add to the blood clotting risks, and next time we want a baby, I'd need to be on asprin while trying to conceive, then switch immediately to Lovenox injections as soon as I was pregnant.  I'd need to do the shots the whole pregnancy and 6 weeks postpartum.  Basically, it's the same thing we did last time, but it didn't work last time.  That's the only treatment available right now though.  The good news is he said the asprin/lovenox don't work in a way where they would be contributing to the miscarriages or making it so the placenta wasn't able to attach properly.

I thought I would let Wikipedia explain a little about this condition that we are investigating.  It doesn't sound too far off. Especially the part about the migraines.


Antiphospholipid syndrome or antiphospholipid antibody syndrome (APS or APLS or), often also Hughes syndrome, is an autoimmune, hypercoagulable state caused by antiphospholipid antibodies. APS provokes blood clots (thrombosis) in both arteries and veins as well as pregnancy-related complications such as miscarriage, stillbirth, preterm delivery, or severe preeclampsia.

Antiphospholipid syndrome can cause arterial or venous blood clots, in any organ system, or pregnancy-related complications. In APS patients, the most common venous event is deep vein thrombosis of the lower extremities, and the most common arterial event is stroke.

 In pregnant women affected by APS, miscarriage can occur prior to 20 week of gestation, while pre-eclampsia is reported to occur after that time. Placental infarctions, early deliveries and stillbirth are also reported in women with APS. In some cases, APS seems to be the leading cause of mental and/or development retardation in the newborn, due to an aPL-induced inhibition of trophoblast differentiation. The antiphospholipid syndrome responsible for most of the miscarriages in later trimesters seen in concomitant systemic lupus erythematosus and pregnancy.[2]

Other common findings, although not part of the APS classification criteria, are thrombocytopenia, heart valve disease, and livedo reticularis. There are also associations between antiphospholipid antibodies and headaches, migraines, and oscillopsia.[3] Some studies have shown the presence of antiphospholipid antibodies in the blood and spinal fluid of patients with psychological symptoms.[4]

Boy oh boy, I really don't like all those risks, to me or a future baby.  Especially thinking of handicaps the baby might have, it just breaks my heart.  In a way, I guess it is a tender mercy that our bodies have the ability to reject pregnancies early on that if they would have continued, would have produced a child unable to survive or thrive.  But you really never know what might happen, Jack is totally healthy as far as we know.  He also is the cutest kid known to man:

I'm Just Sayin.....

So basically the way I feel about all these results and theories is simply "This really isn't fair."  But most hard things we go through feel like that.  And lots of people have it way harder than me.  But it still feels like that.  However, I am so thankful for the scriptures that have such a specific and relevant example to my situation and show the compassion Christ had on a woman.  

Mark 5:25-34

 25 And a certain woman, which had an ^aissue of blood twelve years,

 26 And had suffered many things of many physicians, and had spent all that she had, and was nothing bettered, but rather grew worse,

 27 When she had heard of Jesus, came in the press behind, and touched his ^agarment.

 28 For she said, If I may touch but his clothes, I shall be whole.

 29 And straightway the fountain of her blood was dried up; and she felt in her body that she was healed of that plague.

 30 And Jesus, immediately knowing in himself that ^avirtue had gone out of him, turned him about in the press, and said, Who touched my clothes?

 31 And his disciples said unto him, Thou seest the multitude thronging thee, and sayest thou, Who touched me?

 32 And he looked round about to see her that had done this thing.

 33 But the woman fearing and trembling, knowing what was done in her, came and fell down before him, and told him all the truth.

 34 And he said unto her, Daughter, thy ^afaith hath made thee whole; go in ^bpeace, and be whole of thy plague.

12 years sounds like a long time that this woman had been suffering, despite how many doctors she had gone to, but Christ healed her completely in His time according to her faith, and for His own reasons.  This scripture gives me hope that with my faith and in His time, and with His power, I'm sure it is possible for us to have another healthy child someday.  

Anyway, I actually meant this post to be more about daily life now and what I've learned:

Just do it.  Sometimes this has to be my motto for a little while.  I remember our band director would tell us this a lot in high school; and though we often made fun of him for it, the idea stuck.

Sometimes I feel like I was in such a hurry to jump back into life and start working on things that made me happy again, that I might be a little overwhelmed.  Not in a bad way though, it is actually really good to be working on so many positive things in my life.  I have many priorities right now:

-Well first, the normal stuff comes first.  Being Jack's mommy takes up most of my time.  Then there's the cooking and the cleaning, making sure Jack eats something nutritional (hopefully), the budgeting and bill paying, planning appointments and babysitters, shopping and play dates, etc.  

-I've been exercising early every morning this week, my plan is to do 4 days a week. (from 6-7. boy it is hard to get up to be to a class by 6)

-I've been working on scripture study (nothing like starting all your goals again at once)

-I started school again! Officially.  I'm now in an online program.  I'm really happy about it; it seems like a really well put-together program so far.  The good news and bad news is, it's going to be pretty rigorous.  I appreciate a challenge but it's just a time issue.  I want to finish quickly so I can start making money, but if I want to finish by about December 20th I'll need to put in about 23 hours a week (does Jack even sleep that much?!)  Luckily, I have until next June to finish it, but hopefully sooner.

-Prepping for our move.  This is a little on the side thing now, but we move in 7 weeks.  That creeps up on you if you haven't started cleaning and going through things and packing the non-essentials.

-I'm still working every Saturday.  This is more of a "sacrifice" now because of the time needed for school, and the packing projects since that is the day Kevin is home from work and we try to avoid heavy duty projects on Sunday. But I love my job and we need the money; after all, I only get to enjoy this job until we move.

-I'm enjoying playing percussion even though I didn't think I'd have this much going on when I signed up.  I try to practice once a week and then I have rehearsal once or twice a week.  Our concert is in two weeks so it won't be too much longer.

-I'm in charge of teaching the 3 and 4 year olds at church every Sunday.  I usually only prep the lesson every other week and it only takes a few hours to do, but believe me, if I procrastinate it really hangs over my head! Luckily those kids are great and make it worth it.

-Another thing that I am about to start is something I just signed up for because I couldn't resist!!  Being a camp counselor for a summer music camp for kids!  Really that's all I want to do in life :)  It's only an hour a week, but I decided not to start until July because doing it with percussion is a little much, especially because I need someone to watch Jack during it. I am so looking forward to being a volunteer for such a cool thing!

- Technically I'm still doing that tutoring website, but there seems to be no students in this area, so it is not taking up any of my time right now. Maybe in our new area.

-I'm a social butterfly.  Ok maybe not quite, but, I've been trying to spend a lot of time with the dear friends I've made in this area before we move.  I will miss so many people here.

-Medical stuff.  The appointments and all the stuff with it actually takes a toll.  It's emotionally trying, and stressful to make and keep appointments with specialists and labs and whatever else is going on.  Waiting for answers is hard too.

So, Just Do it.  It's hard to do all of it, but it's manageable and I still have enough "spare time" to watch an episode of Arrested Development here and there.  I have some time to blog since school doesn't have actual "due dates."  My life has some peace. My house might not always be spotless but I can usually manage to get the important things done.  I just have to remember not to complain and to be happy with what I'm doing- I'm usually more productive when I do more things because I use my time better. Just do it-with a smile.  Thanks to President Hinckley, I usually post the saying "Forget Yourself and Go to Work" somewhere in the house.  It is very motivating to me, to just put aside feeling sorry for myself and actually do something.  That usually makes me feel better anyway.

This is how I'm coping with everything, and how I'm staying happy- not by staying busy, but by staying productive.