Supplement Plan- Approved!!

One of the most important things I've learned on this journey is to be an advocate for your own health.  I've done a lot of research.  Like, a lot.  Because if I don't try to figure out what's going on with body, who will?  I’ve put together a daily supplement plan that *hopefully* would allow me to properly nourish a baby, despite my MTHFR (and Factor V, low protein C and S, and hypothyroidism.)  

As a side note, can I just say how thankful I am that I’ve been working in the supplement industry for the last five years?!  I feel like I would be so lost and confused even attempting to create a plan like this without my work background.  Even knowing simple things like which vitamins are water soluble, or how to split up doses is extremely helpful in attempting a plan like this.

I feel very confident in this new supplement plan.  I'm not sure if it will be the answer to our problem, but I think that being this thorough will either bring us better results, or rule it out as our main problem.  I've mentioned before that this business of recurrent pregnancy loss is a nasty game of guess and check, but there isn't really another way to go about it.  We won't know until we try.  Thankfully- I feel REALLY good about these supplements.  I feel happy about this- and I haven't really felt happy about a proposed solution in a while.  Kevin feels the same way I do.  I was reassured when I emailed my thoughts to a nurse at the fertility clinic and she "approved" the plan and wished us the best of luck.  That makes me feel that my research has not been wasted!  I may be on the right track.  Now, I'm counting on Heavenly Father to make up the difference for us if it is in His plan and timing.

 

I thought of the story of The Brother of Jared in the Book of Mormon.  He and his family were preparing to cross the ocean in new vessels that they had no experience with.  Although the vessels were water-tight, they were dark.  The Brother of Jared was praying, looking for a way that the vessels to have light.  Instead of providing him with an answer, the Lord basically told him to come up with a plan.  The Brother of Jared cleaned small stones, and asked the Lord to touch them so that they would shine.  The Lord blessed the Brother of Jared for his faith, and extended His finger to touch the stones.  Through this miracle, the stones were bright and gave light to the families during their journey.  I don’t know whether the plan I have come up with is the true solution to whatever is biochemically happening in my body.  But if the timing is correct, I know the Lord can bless my plan and have it serve the purpose He wants.  If he can help stones to shine and give light, he can turn my best efforts into miracles. 

If you would like to read this scripture story it is found in the Book of Ether, chapters 2-3. 

https://www.lds.org/scriptures/bofm/ether/2?lang=eng

It's amazing how I'm always introduced to a "friend of a friend" who has MTHFR, or found some other helpful information right at the exact time I need it.  It helps put us on the right track. Heavenly Father has everything organized.  I'm thankful for friendship- that we were put on this Earth in groups so we can help and serve each other.

I'm not exactly sure how long I will stay on these supplements before we decide to try and conceive, but I think it will be in the next couple months.  Wish us luck and healthy baby dust!

MIRACLES- Feeling God's Love For Us.

MIRACLES:

Weeks like the one we had last week are hard.  You feel like you hit rock bottom.  You wonder why it has to be so hard.  Why did we crash the car on the way to the fertility clinic?  Why did it have to eat up all the savings we had for the tests?    

And then, God's love happens.  We did our best to trust in Him, and then he reminded us how much He loves us. 

An anonymous family in the area heard what happened to us.  Apparently, they put aside a little money each month so that once a year they can serve a family.  They left a check for the exact cost of our deductible. I was sobbing.  God loves us.  I am beyond humbled.  I knelt down and through my tears, thanked Heavenly Father.  He already knew the financial burden would be lifted and we just had to trust Him.  If He had a plan for our financial needs, of course He has a plan for our future children. 

It was hard to accept the money (really hard), but I know it's a blessing from God through righteous people, and they will be blessed also because of their kindness and generosity.  They embody Christlike love.  I want to be like that family.  Someday, we will have the chance to pay it forward. 

The car accident did get us thinking about taking our fertility plans in a different direction.  But it also provided an opportunity for Heavenly Father to show His love for us.  It gave Him a chance to bless us if we could trust Him.  It gave another family the opportunity to serve.  It gave us the chance to see the example of this anonymous family and strive to be more like them.  God is good.  He is our loving Father.

One of the blessings of going through really hard trials is seeing amazing blessings along the way. 

It’s amazing because I was just collecting my thoughts and writing for another post when this happened.  We’ve discovered some hopeful medical information and have been trying to decide what direction to go in next.  It’s interesting now to read what I JUST wrote a few hours ago.  My perspective has changed so much already.  We may still wait on some of the testing, but I’ve been so blessed for the little faith that I have. 

Writing from a few hours earlier (amazing how much my attitude has changed):

It's so frustrating to feel like we've tried so many things.  Pregnancy without intervention, specialists, waiting for long stretches, going to fertility clinics, etc.  And the answer is always "no." over and over "no no no."  Just once I wish the answer would be "yes."  That we would find hope, or good news, or witness a miracle and have a live birth.  I try to trust that Heavenly Father has a better idea or plan for us down the road; but, the longer we go without good news the harder that faith is to find.

It's hard to know if I'm being faithful or just being impatient.  Moving into our current apartment seemed irresponsible, because we didn't have work or a way to pay for it, but we felt strongly we should move in, and when we acted on (what I hoped was) faith, it worked out.  Is this the same thing?  Or are we just pushing for what we want instead of listening for the Lord's will?  When emotions are so strong it's hard to discern between feelings.    

I talked to my friend who is a nurse, who called me a medical mystery, but felt like if she were me, she would try again for a pregnancy on the active folic acid.  She thinks there is a good chance it could make a difference for us.   She had a friend who suffered a few miscarraiges, and two still births before she was put on active folate, and then had healthy twins.  That was reassuring.

I talked to another friend who has been like family to me for years.  She reminded me of the eternal perspective.  If we want to see if we can have a healthy pregnancy on active folate, and progesterone before completing every test possible everything will be ok.  She said even if the worst happens, nothing is lost for us if we're righteous, and then we will know for certain that we need to spend the money to have every possible test done.  And how much of a miracle would it be, if the baby was healthy, and we were spared from going through the process of extensive fertility and DNA testing?

I'm so thankful to have talked to these friends of mine because sometimes it's hard to see my own faith until it's reflected back in their testimonies.  Because I agree with everything they've said.  I know that financially the extensive testing is quite a way down the road.  I know that we have a decent chance of resolving the problem with the new discoveries we've already found.  I probably wouldn't be headed down this direction if it wasn't for the car crash, but here we are. 

I think I keep waiting for a big spiritual sign of which direction we should go in.  Wait, try, save for testing, or some Plan C I haven't thought of yet.  But church this week reminded me that sometimes God wants us to decide and act, and trust in Him that He will make everything work out as we are doing our best, and according to His plan. 

I feel a little better because I don't think that patience is my problem right now.  If I knew with a certainty that I needed to wait another year (like an angel came down and told me that) I could certainly do it, and focus on my life happening now, and find happiness.  It's the feeling that maybe it is time to act that gets me.  I worry I'm not doing enough.  I think as I prepare and continually pray, peace will come about what to do.  We will follow that reassurance and trust that Heavenly Father has a plan for our family.

I'm still so thankful for the clinic, and I still think it is wise to work with them if we choose to attempt pregnancy.  They can still offer more help early on than anywhere else.  The doctor advised to not attempt pregnancy until every test was completed (which is wise, of course) but being in doctoral school, and living mostly on loans, we will really have to decide if that's what God wants us to do. 

While writing this, I stumbled on a huge tender mercy from another blog.  This woman’s story sounds EXACTLY like mine, and it is reassuring to see her success with what we are considering!

“MTHFR is a genetic mutation. I have the homozygous scenario --Two of my genes (1 A and 1 C) are mutated, or broken, or whatever.

Here's how my doctor explained this to me... People with MTHFR factor don't produce folic acid, vitamin B6 and vitamin B12. So, wohoo ... one might think, big deal! But on the contrary, it IS a big deal! Women with MTHFR factor have spontaneous miscarriages between 5th and 6th weeks (uh, that would be me--4 of them), and a lack of B6 and B12 directly affects rapidly reproducing cells... and that would be what an embryo does. In fact, a lack of B6 and B12 causes rapidly reproducing cells to STOP reproducing. So, my doctor put me on a massive cocktail of Baby Aspirin, Folic Acid, Vitamin B6 and B12... and I do mean MASSIVE ... and -- WOW... what a difference! I got an instant jolt of energy, and come to find out, that's how I should have been feeling if I didn't have this MTHFR factor!

I take 2 milligrams of Folic Acid, 100 mg of B6, and 250 micrograms of B12. I also took (notice I say "took") a baby aspirin daily until I had a positive pregnancy test in February. Then, I only stopped the aspirin, but continued everything else. Surprisingly, my prenatal vitamin only had 1 milligram of Folic Acid, 3 milligrams of B6, and 8 micrograms of B12. That's nothing in comparison with what I take now!!! By the way... I take regular old over the counter vitamins. I could get a prescription for the Folic acid, but why bother. It's cheap enough.

I started this cocktail back in November. I had my next IVF transfer in January, and am now, for the first time in my life, carrying a healthy and happy baby. I'm 15 weeks pregnant. After 15 years (that's not a typo!) of non-stop trying to get pregnant with a ton of different doctors, I'm finally pregnant ... I just want to cry tears of joy each time I think of our baby, or see him or her on the ultrasound machine. My heart is overflowing with joy!

And ... I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that this diagnosis and corrective action (vitamin cocktail) is what my successful pregnancy is attributed to.”

Reading this I feel confident that these issues are related to our losses, if not the only cause.  And I can’t help but wonder, “how...is...jack...here...”

Because, miracles.  That’s how.

Stuck.

*First of all, I apologize for the length of this post.  There were several stories and events I wanted to touch on that have formed my current attitude and situation.  Perhaps I shouldn't leave so much time between posts.

Ever feel like no matter what direction you go in, it seems to be the wrong direction and nothing works out?  That’s how we’ve been feeling lately.  But I’ll get to all of that later on.  These past few months have been really hard!  We’ve had so much hope that we’re headed in the right direction.  And we’ve encountered so many obstacles that we either really are on the right path, and are facing adversity, or on the totally wrong path.  You can’t force things to work out- you just have to have the faith that if you do your best, things will work themselves out.  But doing your best isn’t just a cliché.  I mean, you really have to do the very best you can, all the time.

I met a few people over the past couple of months that have shared things with me, that have changed my attitude a bit.  

One of these people was a man I met just the day after our fertility consultation.  He came in to my work (The Vitamin Shoppe) specifically wanting the active form of B12.  He told me he had a genetic predisposition that made it impossible for his body to process inactive B vitamins.  I asked him if he had MTHFR.  Turns out he did, just like me.  We talked about it for a while.  I told him it wasn't diagnosed for me until we had experienced several miscarriages.  It wasn't diagnosed for him for a long time either, until after he had been experiencing seizures.  I couldn't believe that, seizures!  He explained that once he got on activated B vitamins, the seizures stopped.  I knew that B vitamins were really important for the nervous system, but he explained in greater detail how critical they are, even for things like nourishing the myelin sheaths.  It was after this conversation that I realized what a big deal active folic acid could be for me. Folate is critical when cells are dividing and growing very quickly (hello, early pregnancy.)  If the growing baby had no access to folic acid because I wasn't absorbing any, it doesn't seem so crazy to think I would have miscarried several times.  Especially in combination with my blood issues.  Kevin and I were excited at the prospect that just maybe, we've found an answer that could help bring us a healthy baby.  Also after learning that, we are even more confused how Jack made it here happy and healthy.  But, he is simply a miracle and the exception to everything else we learn about my health problems.  

I'm thankful my medical doctor understood the importance of vitamins, especially in their active form.  Kevin and I started on high quality vitamins right away.  I wanted to get the prescription prenatal, but even after insurance it's more than 100 dollars a month (though I think I can get it half price somewhere).  My doctor said it was fine to take everything separately if it was more cost effective.  Since I work in supplements and get a discount, it was less money to split everything up.  Vitamins have taken over my kitchen.  I've done research and am glad I have access to the best stuff!  Now I'm not only taking metafolin, but the quatrefolic form as well.

The second person I spoke to who changed my attitude was a woman I met at work.  She came as a representative for one of our companies.  My heart when out to this woman because she had known a life with great tragedy.  She had married young and had three children close together.  While her children were still very young, her husband committed suicide.  She has since remarried and had two more children, but it's obvious that those dark days from the past leave some scars.  We were discussing supplementation, specifically in regards to hormonal supplementation for women.  She asked if I had ever taken hormones and asked if I had ever had trouble with pregnancy.   When I told her yes and explained the things I'd tried with our losses, she asked "How far would you make it with the babies?"  When I told her I hadn't made it past 2 months since being pregnant with Jack, she sighed and said "Well that's a relief, at least it wasn't devastating then."  I think my jaw about hit the floor.  Not only was that incredibly offensive, but it is the very definition of devastation in my mind!  It is so devastating to do everything you can to try and preserve a life, and to lose it so soon again and again.  I think what was most shocking to me is that this woman was no stranger to pain, loss, mourning, loneliness, and devastation.  I am in no way trying to compare our trials or saying my losses were as horrible as having a spouse take their own life, I would never say that.  What it taught me however, was to develop empathy for others.  I remembered so clearly in that moment, that I need to allow my pain and sadness help me to feel more compassionate towards those around me and understand their pain, even if it is from a very different circumstance.    

The third person I spoke to who had an impact on me was a Zumba instructor I met at the Rec Center.  She taught the Zumba class that I forced myself to go to.  I could tell she was pregnant and starting to show.  She made an announcement to the class that it would be her last time teaching because she has a really hard time staying pregnant.  Turns out that's why she was showing so clearly at only 6 weeks, she had been through more pregnancies than she could number.  I went and spoke to her after class, and gave her a hug.  It is so comforting to find people who are going through the same kind of anxiety.  She and her husband have an 8 year old and a 2 year old.  She said between the two children they had gone through countless losses, and some stillborns.  They never found anything wrong with the babies.  They've never found anything wrong with her.  It was comforting to see her strength- like she had accepted her trial and took ownership of it.  It helped me settle into the idea that having children will not be easy for me- it probably never will be.  The sooner I accept that the better.  She had no shame about trying over and over for a healthy pregnancy, despite any negative feedback she received from others.  She told me "The surefire way to NOT ever have another baby, is to stop trying.  You just have to keep trying."  It's a vicious cycle of pain, but I can only imagine the joy when a miracle finally comes.  During the losses, you heal, you trust God, you give it some time, and then, you try again.  When you feel that maternal/paternal force telling you that another child belongs in your family, you follow that feeling.  It's important, no matter if the child stays with you on Earth, or waits for you in Heaven.  She helped me solidify the fact that I was ready for the next step.

The next step was getting the implanon removed.  I was worried about it for days.  I kept telling myself "it won't be as bad as you think."  Oh, but it was, and worse.  Since I have such a hard time getting numb, they really did quite the number on my arm.  It was so hard to sit still when I felt like I was being tortured.  Kevin said it looked like they were just filleting my arm with the needle.  I have some pretty interesting scars from the procedure now.  The worst part was that I had some sort of a reaction to the steri-strips and it caused my skin to stick and blister.  Water burned like acid, and trying to removing the strips took hours, because it was just taking the skin with it.  I ended up using Vaseline, qtips, tweasers, and scissors. #implanon #neveragain.  Seriously, it was awful.  I'm so glad it's over now.   

aftermath

trying to get the strips off without taking the skin off

ironically looks like a smiley face

Once the hormonal birth control was gone, it took a couple of weeks for me to start my period.  Once that happened, Kevin and I felt happy again.  It felt so good to be moving forward.  I was frustrated with the weight gain from the implant, but happy that we had crossed off one hard thing to work towards our goal.  

 Kevin and I have had a girl's name picked out for years, in case we ever had a daughter.  Sometimes when we dream about our next child, we imagine a girl with this name.  It's my happy thought.  The name is from a song.  It's not a popular song, and it's an old song now, but it embodies this precious dream that we have.  On the 4th of July weekend, we were out to dinner (just the two of us) and suddenly this special song came on the radio.  I don't know exactly why it made me so emotional, but I just burst into tears, right there at the table.  I just felt like it was a sign, like Heavenly Father was telling me not to give up on my dream.  Kevin smiled and grabbed my hand and said "She's going to come someday.  She really is."  

I later tried to talk the incident down, not wanting to get my hopes up.  Only a month later, the same thing happened when Jack and I picked up Kevin from school to grab some lunch.  When I heard the song coming through the radio, I cried, again.  I thanked God for this tender mercy and little boost of hope.  I don't remember hearing this song on the radio for years and years, and suddenly, twice in a month.  I remembered that God loves me.  It is so hard to stay positive.  But the way I see it, either things stay the same with this situation, or they get better.  I've survived it so far, so I can just look forward with hope to when it gets better.  It is just so scary to believe in miracles.  It leaves you vulnerable.  But I guess that's the point, or else it wouldn't be faith. 

It was after these little signs that I started getting impatient again.  After learning how important the new vitamins were, we wondered, "Do we really need to do all those other tests?  If the vitamin and progesterone alone solve our problem, we could avoid so much emotional and financial stress.  It's a probable solution.  Or would we be risking a life if we didn't take every step we could into investigating what might be going on with my body during pregnancy?  Is all the testing necessary?"  I prayed and prayed about it, but didn't feel a specific answer, and so we just waited and did nothing for a while.  Aside from scraping our budget and trying our best to save money for tests.

We decided to write down our goals that would help us feel "ready."  Not because we didn't want to try right away, but because we knew we probably shouldn't yet.  Pregnancy is a very stressful and emotionally trying time for us- especially because we somewhat expect them to only last a few weeks.  It has to be a time when we're healthy physically and also ready spiritually to handle whatever comes our way.

Sometimes the loneliness of our lost pregnancies and the longing for another child comes on very suddenly and I have to breathe through it for a minute- the pain is just so strong and the sadness can have quite a grip on your heart.  But I've learned to take a minute, feel the hurt, breathe, and remind myself to be patient and think of what is good now.

One hard decision we had to make was about my Medical Transcription Editing program.  We decided that I needed to drop out of it.  I wrote about it online and it helped me work through the decision.  I hated feeling like a quitter.

  "...I've considered every aspect and shed some tears over it, but we have decided that I'm going to drop out of my Medical Transcription Editing program.  Our life has taken us in a much different direction than what we anticipated when I signed up for it a year ago.  I loved it and I learned a lot (and luckily my mom always taught me that education is never wasted) but something has got to give.  I don't think I can put money in to purchase another extension or two because it is just not getting done.  With Kevin focusing on his doctorate and me working up to 30 hours a week, a household to run, and a son to raise...there would be no peaceful moment if I were also trying to do school.  I would need to put in 20 hours a week to finish even with a 4 month extension.  It's a quality of life kind of decision.  I could do it, but I would never sleep, the dishes would never get done, helping Kevin study would be out of the question, and Jack would never get to go to the park basically.  I also don't know how I would work from home a couple hours a day because it's been extremely difficult to do it for free with a toddler at home.  This must be a job you do when your kids are in elementary.  Grateful for what I learned. It sucks we put money into this program, but Kevin's is more important (and much more expensive) and mine is all paid for now. I don't want to pay more, it's just not working for us. It's a pride thing, I've never really quit anything, but I'm trying to do what's best for all of us."

That was hard, but necessary for focusing on our goals and running the household more effectively.  With school out of my way, we started more seriously discussing "Should we wait and try to pay for all the tests?  Should we try for a baby with what we know so far?  Is it risking a life?  Is it the right thing?"  We decided to go to the temple and pray together.  I was hoping for some sort of miracle to inspire me as to what the right choice was.  We sat together in the Celestial Room and I started to pray.  I told Heavenly Father, "Some days and nights are saturated with pain.  Of the loss.  Of life passing by and wondering how patient I’m capable of being.  I think baby lonely is an appropriate term of how I'm feeling."  I started crying in the temple.  I've never shed tears of sorrow in a holy place before, only tears of joy.  I've never been in such a stupor of thought about everything before.  But the whole experience taught me that instead of always just listening for the perfect solution to come from God, I need to spend more time praying and telling Him how I feel.  I felt like I needed to focus more on making myself holier, so I could recognize inspiration more clearly when it comes.  

   

You can believe in miracles, but you can't force them to happen.  And they are hard to wait for.  We decided to wait to try for another baby until all testing had been completed.  It was a hard choice, but it seemed like the most responsible thing to do.  I started working on getting the long list of all the tests I needed.  It was all very overwhelming, and I was hoping that everything would work out ok.  I spent hours on the phone with the insurance companies, the nurses, billing departments, etc.  It was a very frustrating process.  Especially because there's not really an exact cost estimate until after a procedure or test has been done.  

Finally, I had everything in order.  We were ready to start testing, we just needed to wait for my period to come so we could start the testing at the right time in my cycle.  And then life happened.  We've been preventing pregnancy since I've been off my hormonal birth control to prepare for the testing.  But after a "mishap" the day before ovulation according to my calendar, I started to panic a little.  I knew there was a chance I could find myself pregnant at the end of the month, and really didn't know what to do.  After a few days of worry I contacted my nurse, and she got me started on all the meds I needed to be on "just in case."  I had never felt so well taken care of, and we felt at peace with the situation.  I felt like if I was pregnant, the baby had a better chance than any of the others.  This was the clinic I had been waiting for, they were so on top of everything and just as determined as me to make the potential pregnancy have a good outcome.  We started to believe that maybe this "mishap" was a gift from God.  Maybe everything would be fine, and He would spare us from all the burdens that come with testing.  

The two week wait to find out was torture.  Especially because I had every pregnancy symptom in the book, but I knew it could be caused by the hormonal medication instead of a pregnancy.  All those emotions came flooding back.  Let the mind games begin.  I tried not to take anything as a sign because I was too afraid to get my hopes up and I'm too afraid to expect miracles. It would be too good to be true. I would pray "If we're pregnant, please just give us a heartbeat this time Lord.  Let me keep it long enough to see a heartbeat."  Soon I found out another close family member was expecting and I started imagining how wonderful it would be if our babies were born close together.  I was still feeling that enormous anxiety, but once I increased my active folate and got these unbearable headaches, I remembered it was a good sign that the folate was actually doing something in my body.  I tried to keep hope.  I needed good thoughts and faith to overpower my fear.  I knew I couldn't get so caught up in tiny "what if" details.  I needed to do my best and give the rest to God.  I have to always be proactive. Always be researching. Always being careful about every small thing I do with my body or what I eat. I have to fight for my babies to live. It doesn't come easy, but I will keep fighting.  

daily cocktail

When it came close to the time to start testing, all the anxiety skyrocketed.  Did I really want to see a positive test?   A positive pregnancy test sure doesn't mean what it used to for me. My soul leaps for joy " hooray I'm pregnant!" But my brain adds on "for now". Pregnancy no longer equals a baby in my mind or reality and I have to fight that feeling constantly. Sure I could be pregnant, but in my mind it's not the same as my friends and neighbors around me with beautiful big bellies. My pregnancies don't give me babies like theirs. They are so joyful and I get so sorrowful and depressed. 

I went to the clinic twice that week to get betas drawn and progesterone levels checked (since I was supplementing)  and guess what, NEGATIVE.  I wasn't pregnant.  We were surprised how sad we were, after thinking this could be our miracle.  But we were also relieved.  It's better to not be pregnant than to have a loss.  It was a hard two weeks to go through, but I guess in a way it reaffirmed that we needed to do the testing and get as much information as possible.  It was good to have a "practice run" of what pregnancy will require from me.  I feel somewhat nervous about the procedures, but it's nothing in comparison to finding some answers.  The whole experience showed me that I do in fact have some hope left!  I really felt ok during those "could be pregnant"  weeks.  After we found out the test was negative, I stopped the progesterone supplements and waited for my period to start.

We were so excited to start testing!  We had a financial plan, babysitters lined up, everything.  We were ready to go.  The day before our first tests, we hit a bump in the road.  Kevin's school emailed and explained that since he had to take extra credits in this upcoming semester, they were charging an additional 1100 dollars.  That money came out of our living stipend.  I felt like I got punched in the stomach.  300 dollars less a month in the budget from our loan.  That was the money I had set aside to make payments on the testing. So we spent a day moving money around and stressing, but in the end decided it was still possible for us to continue the testing.  We felt that it was important enough to be worth the sacrifice.  But Heavenly Father had other plans.  

The next morning, we were joyfully on our way to the clinic.  Before we even got out of Provo, we were in a car accident.  The second we smashed into that car I was shaking and started to cry because all that was going through my mind was "There goes all our savings.  There goes everything we had timed for this month.  The answer is still no.  We still have to wait longer."  Since Kevin was the driver at fault, we have to pay our deductible.  And once again, we are now stuck.  Not a single penny for these tests.  Life is hard sometimes. And God works in mysterious ways.  I'm thankful we were driving our car with full coverage and that is worth some money, unlike our other car. I'm glad our car has great safety ratings. I am especially thankful that we had dropped Jack off at a friend's 3 minutes earlier. I have some whiplash, and Kevin's thumb is numb, but we are all safe. And that's all that really matters. I'm glad we had some money saved up regardless (even though it's not quite enough). I'm thankful that I can feel some peace, even in a hard situation like this. In a strange way I'm glad it happened on the way to the doctor instead of on the way back when the money would have been already spent.  I really can't relive the accident in my mind without feeling sick to my stomach.

What now?  Where do we go from here?  How many months will it take us to dig ourselves out of debt to even think about saving again for more tests?  Is the Lord just continuing to teach us patience or seriously should we just give up trying for more kids, because sometimes it just feels like we’re punished every time we do.  I don’t really mean that- but it sure feels like it sometimes.

My neck isn't supposed to be this straight.  I was told the lack of curvature is due to muscle spasms from the whiplash. ow. :(

I feel stuck.  If we try to get pregnant on our own, we miscarry.  If we try to do testing, money gets taken away from our budget.  If we try to actually go to the clinic for an appointment, we get in a car crash that eats up all our savings plus some.  I'm so frustrated.  But I still have the feeling that somehow this is a mercy for us from God, because He has something better in mind for us, or He understands why things need to be timed differently.  I'm devastated (and sore) but I trust in God, and if He feels that it is important for us to go through this pain and this stress before we can even do testing, then I will bear that burden.  

Again- Jesse Clark Funk

I’ve wrestled with demons and darkness.

I’ve wrestled with what has been lost.

I carry this crushing weight on my shoulders

And try not to think of the cost.

It’s more than a single decision.

It’s giving up part of myself.

It’s something I simply can’t do on my own

So I’m pleading with You for Your help.

Chorus-

Again and again

I’ve asked myself why.

I don’t think that I have any tears left to cry.

My soul is so tired and I’m longing for rest.

I’m giving my all and I’m doing my best.

It hurts to move on from the place I am in.

But You understand where I’ve been

And You reassure me it’s time to start over

Again.

I’m finally ready to listen.

I’m finally ready to hear,

Struggling to get a place You can reach me,

Where peace can speak louder than fear.

I can’t see the end of the story.

There’s no way to know how it ends.

For now I let go and I trust You to lead me

And show my heart where to begin.

Repeat Chorus

All of the pain and confusion I’m going through

I’m turning it over to You,

Willing to trust it’s the right thing to do.

Visit to the Fertility Clinic and A New Plan!

This trip to the fertility clinic came a little earlier than we had planned, but as I wrote around mother's day, I felt strongly that it was time to look into testing, because sometimes testing itself can take months and months.  We don't feel ready to try pregnancy again quite yet, but we are ready to find some answers for the future.

I'm so glad I listened to this feeling, because as soon as we were talking with our doctor (who is amazing, brilliant, has probably a dozen degrees, and is a recipient of the "Most Compassionate Doctor" award) I felt like I was in the exact right place at the right time, doing what I should be doing.  It was a great comfort to me.

To start out with, after we had discussed my very LONG and detailed history, I was thrilled to hear him say basically "They've been focusing way too much on blood clotting factors, it might not have anything to do with that."  THANK YOU.  I have never actually had a blood clot, and with all the anti-clotting therapies I've done, I was feeling really discouraged and thinking there must be more to the puzzle.  He said they haven't even done the "normal tests" to determine what caused the miscarriage.  Granted, because of the blood clotting disorder he does want me to begin on a baby aspirin when we start trying to conceive as a precaution. Which is what I did with Jack and what I feel like is safest for me and a growing baby.  But I don't think it's going to fix any problems.

He said although it's possible that thrombophilia may cause problems with miscarriages, and he can't rule it out for me, he believes MOST of the time, Leiden Factor V does not affect the outcome of a pregnancy.  (Once again, thank you!  I think 11% of the population has this factor and many don't ever know they have it).  This is a very conterversial topic in the medical field, but when it comes down to it, I don't know what else we can possibly do with this issue.  I've done any treatment that would be used if this was the actual issue.  He said about the same thing for the low Protein C and S (although he wants to repeat that bloodwork and see if any activity has changed since my last two tests).

This brings us to the second blood issue, MTHFR (once again, this is not a naughty abbreviation but an actual diagnosis).  I told him "Well they ruled that out as causation because there were no clots and my homocystiene was not elevated when I lost the pregnancy"  He kind of shook his head and said while that might make sense from a hematologist's point of view, the problem with MTHFR is broader than that.  In a nutshell, this disorder is like an enzyme deficiency.  So when I take folic acid, my body can't really convert it into a usable form (which he called metafolin).

My other doctors compensated for this difference by having me take a ton of folic acid, but if I still couldn't convert it into a useable form, what was the point?  Everyone knows how important folic acid is for the start of pregnancy- without it the baby can have severe neural tube defects that can end the pregnancy very early.  My eyes widened as he was explaining this- could it really be that simple?  And then the real kicker- he told me that there is a prescription prenatal that contained 1 mg of Metfolin.  Meaning instead of taking crazy amounts of folic acid and trying to convert it, I can actually just take the active form.  HELLO?!  DID NO ONE ELSE IN THE MEDICAL FIELD KNOW ABOUT THIS?!  Did you know you can BUY METAFOLIN ON AMAZON?!  I feel somewhat annoyed that I didn't understand this concept (since I work in the vitamin field) and also that no one else explained this to me!  So he wrote me a prescription and told me to start on this prenatal right away, he wants me on it for several months (and even through my entire reproductive life).

Also, after reviewing my history, he has decided that I should continue with Progesterone supplementation in future pregnancies, but he will be prescribing double the amount that I used with my last pregnancy (thank you that's what I wanted before!).  My progesterone levels from previous reads during pregnancy were lower than he was comfortable with.  Thankfully, it looks like I will be allowed to use vaginal suppositories/pills instead of injections!  Yay!!

As far as my thyroid, it is being managed well for the most part, so I just have to stay on my daily medication.

So now we move on to all the other testing that they want to do to find problems and causes.
Unfortunately, before they can do any more testing, I have to have the Implanon removed from my arm (ACKKKK).  I expected as much because that form of birth control messes with all your hormones, etc.  I am dreading getting it out because it was so awful getting it in...but I knew it was going to have to come out at some point.  I need to have it removed, and then will have to wait at least 2 months (2 regular cycles) and then they can start the other testing.  I am looking forward to having the Implanon out though, it hasn't been the easiest on my body.  I have really felt the hormones affecting me.  I've gained weight on it and have felt more run down (and have had horrible unpredictable bleeding).  All of those things should get better once it's out.  I would love to lose some weight!  It does make me nervous to go off of hormonal birth control (just call me fertile myrtle) but I'm sure everything will be ok.

One of the first things he wants to look at is my egg quality.  Normally having poor egg quality is a problem with older women, but you never know, so we need to check it.  The same goes on Kevin's side, so the doctor wants to do a semen analysis to make sure there aren't sperm that have "bad DNA." Motility and those other kinds of problems with sperm aren't on our list because we don't struggle to conceive, just the DNA side of it.  Hopefully we can hold off on this test because it is more expensive, and there isn't too much you can do about it.  This test is further down on the list to be done if they rule everything else out.  If this turns out to be an issue, there are two options.  The first is using a sperm donor (we're not interested in that option) or you can just try to improve the overall health of the sperm hoping that they will provide good DNA packages.  So the Dr is putting Kevin on a special vitamin/amino acid supplement starting now, to basically make sure the sperm is as healthy as possible.  He needs to be on it for several months also.

Probably one of the first tests we'll do after the two month wait period is to rule out any problems with the anatomy of the uterus using a saline ultrasound, which they will use to evaluate the cavity and such.  This makes so much sense to me and I've wanted to do something like it for a while.  They will check for fibroids or any type of damage.  I always wondered about this because my first baby was over 9 pounds and the birth was really hard on me, and then I've lost all babies since then, could there be some type of internal trauma or damage?  I'm excited to get the results back from this test, because either way it will put lots of my questions to rest.  Not as excited to have the procedure done however...it's one of those they tell you is just "uncomfortable" but then offer you Valium if you want it.  Riiiight.

Then, of course, lots of blood work is required.  They want to redo some of my large blood panels to check them against previous results (like my antiphosphilipid one, protein c and s, etc).  They also want to do blood work to check certain hormones like Prolactin at certain points in my cycle. And they will check my blood for immunity to diseases I've had immunizations against.  If immunity doesn't seem strong, they may re-vaccinate me (unlikely, I've had all my shots and boosters).

The Dr mentioned that because none of my doctors did an ultrasound during the last four pregnancies, he can't confirm that they were actually in the uterus, and could have in fact been ectopic pregnancies that ended on their own.  That is scary to think about.  If that was the case, I'm thankful that I never had any rupture!  He explained to me that because of my history with recurrent miscarriage that my risk for ectopic pregnancy is much greater and I always need to be aware of that possibility.  Once I become pregnant, the clinic will do a transvaginal ultrasound at 5 weeks and 2 days, because at that point they can see a sac and confirm that the pregnancy is in the uterus where it should be.

Testing that makes sense for us to have (but I'm hoping we won't end up doing) is the karotyping.  It's not genetic screening in this case (we're not looking for genetic diseases) but rather it checks to see if Kevin or I have what's called "Chromosomal Balanced Translocation."  In a nutshell this means that we turned out ok, but part of our chromosomes are off (but somehow balanced each other out to make it act normal so we turned out normal).  This is fine for the person with the balanced chromosomes, but it becomes tricky when the chromosomes try to mix and it can create problems.  Once in a while, it can somehow work though, which would explain Jack being perfectly healthy.  I would love to do these tests just to know, but we are going to wait on them unless we aren't getting answers from the other tests, because it's about $500 a person at the cash cost.  And who knows about insurance helping at all these days...  So the karotyping will probably have to wait a while (if it's necessary at all).

A test (that I have to do for sure) is freaking me out just a little bit- A CLOMID TEST. ahhhh!  Run for your lives!  My cousin is pregnant with triplets right now from this miracle-making medication...so I'm just a little anxious about the idea of needing to take a high dose for 5 days straight.  This is not to help me conceive, it's so they can see how my body responds to ovulation and makes sure that everything responds properly to make a nurturing environment.  But just knowing how easily I get pregnant, I told Kevin he has to live in a different house while I'm taking Clomid.  I'm pretty sure if we shake hands while I'm on Clomid I will have quintuplets.  

I am a little concerned about the scheduling of all these tests, since they have to be at an exact time on my cycle (so can only be scheduled a day or two in advance) and the clinic is 45 minutes from my house.  Also, I can't take Jack to these appointments for obvious reasons.  Also, Kevin is in full time doctoral school and I work from afternoon to night.  So I am wondering even logistically how we are going to make this happen... but I'm praying something will somehow work out.

We walked out of the clinic seeing dollar signs...that part is a little crazy.  The good news is we have a few months before we can start testing, and our loans finally came in to help with the normal bills, so with me working some extra hours we should be able to save up for at least a couple tests at a time.  If it's God's will for us to take this journey, it will work out somehow.

Occasionally my hope turns to sudden fear and I think, "What if it really is my blood and they really can't do anything for it?"  But we just have to take this one day at a time and have faith.  Fear like that doesn't help anything.

I felt so overwhelmed walking into the clinic and seeing pictures of all these miracle babies on the wall.  I know it's possible for us, even though it might be a lot of work, money, time, patience, stress, and "uncomfortable procedures" (just say painful already).  The doctor was very happy to see we have a son and it gave him confidence that it's possible again.  Sometimes I feel a little mad at the world that we have to go through this process and I wonder why it can't just be simple.  But I try to get rid of that attitude pretty fast.  It is what it is and I'm just thankful there is so much help and hope available.  Kevin told me he can't wait to hold another newborn of his own and tell them "You were hard, you caused a lot of problems." haha- wouldn't that be the most wonderful thing in the world? I'm sure he wouldn't even be able to fake scold them because he wouldn't be able to wipe the smile off his face.  

We are dreaming of you baby.  We hope this leads us to you. <3

What To Expect When You're Expecting

What a crazy and wonderful two weeks it has been.  We moved into our new apartment (which we love), and got a huge surprise three days after we moved in- Kevin got a phone call that told him that he had been accepted to the Doctoral Program for Physical Therapy, at the school we just moved 4 minutes away from.  We were floored.  The rest of the class had been accepted in February and tuition was already past due.  Someone had paid the deposit and then dropped out- and Kevin was the very next name on the list.  It was nothing short of a miracle!  Obviously we have been scattered and trying to quickly figure out how we are going to deal with finances- but things have started to work themselves out.  Hopefully our loans will come in quickly (since they take a month to process) and I have been looking for part time work.  I had a good interview yesterday, so I’m hoping that I will be able to start a job within the next week or so.  We have unpacked our house, and though it’s not totally clean yet, it’s comfortable and peaceful and I feel very happy to be in our new place.  Kevin is starting his Doctorate program tomorrow- dreams are coming true.  I really expected that as we settled into our new life, my baby aching would settle too, and I would be distracted with everything else and be consumed with all new things.  That’s not quite how it has worked out.  Maybe it’s because we’re back in our own place; maybe it’s mother’s day, but the aching has been difficult since we moved and that hole I feel in my heart has seemed to be getting bigger.

As usual, I’ve found myself diving into the world of self-improvement to fill the void and make me feel like I’m doing something worthwhile with my time.  Time that would otherwise be spent just at home, which sometimes eats away at me and makes it easier for me to slip into depression.  I’ve tried harder to keep up with the housework.  I’ve rededicated myself to school and figuring out how on Earth I’m going to finish this program (which is way more difficult to do with a child than I anticipated.)  I’m starting piano lessons this week to improve my abilities in that area of music. I’m starting a part time job (if everything works out) with more hours than I’ve had since Jack was born- so I’ll be a first time working mother.  Kevin will be in an intense school program during the day, which I’m sure will be a great experience, but a new stress for both of us.  Also, I just joined the rec center and have set a goal to work out in some form at least 4 times a week.  Basically, I am keeping myself busy with good things.   

I’m not sure what started the hurt again- it is more pronounced in my life than it was a month ago.  Maybe it’s because I got really upset a few weeks ago because I had encountered several things consecutively that made me feel that the sanctity of life is just not respected in this country.  I feel like there is not enough respect for those babies who lost their lives because of purposeful procedures initiated by their mothers- a concept I seriously can’t even stomach.  I would bury every one of those babies with respect and dignity instead of their resting place being in a “toxic waste” bag to be burned with the rest of the “medical waste and tissue.” I've become much more sensitive to the issue of abortion through my experiences.  I don't think that being upset about it brought the pain on, but I think it amplifies it.

The hurt that I’m describing has been changing, not to be less painful, but just morphing back into readiness to try again.  I have felt this "switch" happen before, where all the sudden my grief feels less present than my hope and I feel ready to be pregnant again.  It turns from "waiting for the right time" to "nothing is going to happen if I don't try and fix the problem somehow."  It really makes no sense timing-wise right now to look back into this.  Money is the first issue- we are now going to be living on loans and a part time job.  I'll be doing everything I mentioned before (along with the normal mom/running the household stuff) all while Kevin is doing his doctorate.  It is literally insane.  But so was having Jack half way through college- and he came at the perfect time and everything worked out.  I've always been one of the attitude "If you want something, make it happen." and I'm not necessarily patient about it either... so what happens when you don't have the power to make something happen?  It makes you dependent on God for one thing, but it also drives me to want to at least be working on my goal in someway, or else how will it ever happen?  

This week has been so heavy with the baby ache that I've decided to make somewhat of a compromise. We decided to wait a year before we tried again- and I'm six months in.  I'm impressed I made it this long without the ache and impatience feeling overwhelming.  So I thought "Maybe I can do consultations, appointments, tests for six months or occasionally until next year."  I think what it comes down to is that I'm not in control and it breaks my heart- so I have to feel like I'm taking charge of something.  If I do tests and research (if those things count for anything, or make a difference at all) at least I'm showing God that I'm trying everything I know how to do on my end.  I know I’m not ready to be pregnant again, but if I’m feeling this ache again, perhaps I can start seeing doctors.  That’s a start.  I'll be doing something more than just sitting by and crying and wishing and aching for my lost babies. 

Maybe it's being in our own place, maybe it's mothers day, I'm not sure what is motivating this sudden pain and urgency to get back in the game.  I try to be very prayerful.  If I know something is a prompting from God and not my own impatience, then I know things will work out the way they are supposed to.  If I need to do tests for 6 months, so be it.  At least I'm working towards our goal.  I just don't feel like I can sit around for another 6 months only waiting in this pain.  I just feel that someone is missing from our family.  Jack keeps talking about turning 3, which is still 4 months away, but it's something I really can't seem to comprehend either.  Children really only keep getting bigger don't they?  At least I know I will appreciate it more if we are ever blessed with another.  My prayers have changed and I am learning to accept God's will and trusting that it really is best in the end.  If I realize all that I'm feeling is impatience, I will change my plans.  I have been praying to find a job that will make enough that we can afford to maybe look into a fertility clinic.  We will see what God's will is.  When I look into fertility clinics, I feel discouraged all over again.  Because I see the tests they offer, and common reasons for pregnancy loss, and it looks like everything else we've tried.  What more can they do for us? But I wrote a message to a fertility clinic near us anyway, just to see what they had to say on the matter.  If it's only 50 dollars to go in for a consultation and talk about what they could do for us or ideas they have that we haven't tried- totally worth it.

I would say that "some days are easier than others" but it is more accurate to say "some days are less crazy super hard than others."  As I was unpacking I pulled out my book "What to Expect When You’re Expecting" and almost burst into tears right there- I don't expect a live baby anymore.  What to expect when you're expecting--for me it's a loss.  I expect a miscarriage. I find it hard to be realistic and not get my hopes "too high" if that's possible, but also have faith that I will have another living child.  The idea of a positive pregnancy test just starts my mind on the course of "this child will die before they are born, probably within the first two months, and I will never meet them."  Yet somehow, my heart aches to try again.  This is why I got the implant in my arm- so I couldn't have a hard week and change my mind so suddenly to be ready to go through it again.  But the idea of trying pregnancy again has been on my mind constantly even though it makes no logical sense with what is going on in our life right now.  That's why I think a new doctor might be a good start; the waiting can sometimes get pretty tough.  This always seems to happen right as I've settled into the life of being a mother with one child and actually feeling happy.  Something triggers it and once again I get desperately sad and lonely for another baby and feel somewhat disgusted in myself to watch so many women around me do something that I can't do- even though I have tried four times to have a second child.  I can't understand why this won't work for me. 

A study done in 2002 by researchers JB Ritsher and R. Neugebauer “evaluated the Perinatal Bereavement Grief Scale (PBGS)—the first scale designed to measure grief following reproductive loss in terms of yearning for the lost pregnancy and lost baby.” The study compared “measures of attachment and investment in the child and divergent validity against measures of social desirability and depressive symptoms.” Not that we should need a study to evaluate the true grief many feel after a miscarriage, but it does help to show that the feelings that are present afterwards certainly prove that a miscarriage was a “real baby,” worthy of a grieving process.

Some days you just have to have it out all day and cry and think, so that you can go back to normal life the next day.  I worry sometimes that I'm fooling myself- that these losses were a start of a pregnancy that didn't take, more so than a "loss of life" and that concept terrifies me because I have felt so much grief and mourning.  I told Kevin "I can't think of it as something other than life, because I remember when we were at that stage with Jack, and I loved him then like I love him now, and he is very much alive, so how can it not be a loss when they don't make it to birth?"  He just replied simply "It is life."  Maybe it would seem more real if we had ultrasound pictures from 8 weeks or something like that, but does it even make a difference?  Death perhaps is more difficult to understand when it happens so early.  How do your mourn someone you never met but loved so much?  My heart hurts for them the same.  To be pregnant and then to suddenly not be, that is a loss.  And I suppose in the end, the exact science doesn't matter as much as the big picture, and the emotions we go through, and the children we yearn for to join us.  To have a positive test turn negative, that is a loss and it's just the adversary whispering "You're fooling yourself, mourning nothing, there was no baby, and there is no hope for the future."  

Something that I have been, I won't say "angry" but, "upset" about is the loss of excitement surrounding pregnancy.  Before I was pregnant with Jack, or after he was born but before we experienced any losses, pregnancy was the most exciting happy thing in the world to me- for a friend, family member, acquaintance, didn't matter.  I felt like throwing them a party. Ultrasounds, seeing a new baby blessed, meeting a friend's newborn, were all thrilling and joyful experiences.  Now, no matter how positive my attitude, or how strong my self-control, all these things are accompanied with sadness and loneliness and painful memories.  Why are all these things tarnished for me, and how do I get that joy back?  I know that we all have painful areas in our lives and different things will trigger that pain.  I just wish it was something less thrilling (and less frequent to be honest...I don't like to be brave about it so often).  I know that no pregnancy is "care-free" but I think for the most part, moms expect their babies to live and be born when they see that positive test.  For me, that now brings stress, and what feels like unrealistic hope at the same time.  After a loss, I scold myself for ever thinking things could change.  What did I think was going to happen?  Why did I do this to myself?  I can't imagine ever having a pregnancy where I don't feel nearly consumed with worry that everything is ok and somehow working. I imagine that even in a successful pregnancy I will have to choke down fear until the very delivery day.  But then again, it never stops does it? Moms worry about their children and their wellbeing their whole lives- it doesn't end with birth!  So I will learn to be brave and let go the things out of my control and try to be happy and focus.  I wish just one time though, I could look at a friend's ultrasound and feel that joy and excitement without the side of painful memories and grief.  I feel like I've lost a great treasure because of these mixed emotions.  I tell myself perhaps if we have another miracle baby someday- at that point I will know it's possible and I won't feel the same amount of sorrow or grief.  Maybe it will shrink with time and miracles, and that joy will return as I accept my plan in life.  Maybe.  

I remember the joy with my second pregnancy.  I was smiling everywhere I went for those few weeks.  I wrapped up the beautiful white dress I wore for my own baby blessing and gave it to Kevin to announce to him that we were expecting.  I had a whole list planned out for how I wanted to do things with the second baby.  We were touring hospitals when I was just short of six weeks, beaming the whole time.  The excitement was so different than with my first because I knew what being a mother meant.  I had my hand on my belly constantly.  When I lost that baby, I felt like the whole world buckled and fell down on top of me.  

We were actually watching "What to Expect When You're Expecting" a movie which I loved, and in the part of the movie where the girl finds out she's lost the baby I started to cry thinking how awful it would be.  When the movie was over, Kevin and I were sitting on the couch and I remember telling him "Can you imagine how horrible it would be to wake up in the night and find you're bleeding like that poor girl?  I feel so bad for people who that happens to."  I remember rubbing my belly and standing up to go use the bathroom as Kevin was still sitting on the couch.  I went into the bathroom, and found I was bleeding.  The irony alone almost killed me.  For that first night I tried to tell myself I was just freaked out because of the movie (we had called the doctor and he assured us it was fine).  But by the time the cramping started I knew.   I struggled so much to process how this could happen, and that inexplicable joy that I had been feeling was gone, along with a bit of my ignorance.  I was just a little less naive.  When I lost my third pregnancy- my shock and horror that I felt lasted even longer.  It was like I was living a nightmare.  How could this happen twice in a row?  I had finally started to heal from the first loss, how could God take this baby from me too?  This was no longer a "fluke."  This was a problem.  Then with the fourth pregnancy, and the fifth...each time I became more hardened, less hopeful, less naive to the possibilities.  I lost that glow and joy I felt with my second pregnancy.  Now it's just what I expect.  What I expect when I'm expecting.  Yet in the back corner of my mind, I know that our next baby has a 70% chance of surviving and being born healthy and alive with no medical intervention at all.  And perhaps that's why every 6 months or so I feel ready to give it a chance.  But in the end it's not about the statistics, it's about God's will.  I hope that the spirit will somehow help me to feel that maternal joy again and take all the dark and depressing feelings away.

It's true that things are in fact, less complicated and easier with one child.  I just wish I could settle into that life and appreciate it without having so much pain because of the lack of more children.  It seems ungrateful.  But at the same time, I feel that having children is one of the most important things God gave me time for, and so it is difficult to tell myself I shouldn't have these feelings and be glad I can do other things instead- because it is still just second best.  But if it's what God wants me to do right now- I try my best to be thankful and appreciate everything that comes in life with having an only child.  I really do celebrate my wonderful child.

 

Saturday night I told myself “I have to be brave enough to go to church tomorrow.”    Because I am a mother and I do have a child who is alive and healthy and incredible.  I need to focus mother's day on that, instead of this deep sadness that seems to spill over on certain days.  For some reason it’s hard to go to church and listen to all the wonderful things about babies and mothers.  I keep telling myself to adjust my attitude and to stop ruining wonderful things- like mother's day and how I could use it to be a celebration of my wonderful gift- my son Jack.  But instead, somehow in the frustration of not finding the shirt that matched the skirt I was already wearing for church- I collapse in my closet crying and I am forced to admit it's not actually about the shirt.  Mother's day is hard.  I really looked forward to church today- I knew that there would be uplifting messages for me and comfort- even if there were some painful moments.  But after not being able to get dressed or put my make up on without several little breakdowns, Kevin suggested that we just stay home today.  It makes me feel a little more like a failure, but I guess at some point you have to admit you're only human.  I lit four little candles to burn in the kitchen for a little while for my heart's sake.  I went into the office and picked up the guitar I've had since my 16th birthday and pretended I understood how to figure out chords for a little while.  Then I fumbled through some hymns on the piano for a little while.  I miss music in my life, and all the ensembles I got to participate in through college.  I’m glad I start lessons again this week.  It will be healing for me.   

As every mother does, I have definitely had some experiences I never anticipated and that I felt were too much for me to handle- but as mothers, we rise to the trials that God gives us and we keep going.  The love for our children is stronger than the trials they come with. 

Overall, I know I am so blessed and I am so especially grateful to be a mother to the most wonderful boy.  I'm blessed beyond measure to have such a loving and dedicated partner to navigate this life with and for caring, understanding, and considerate family and friends.  

Happy Mother's Day.  To my own mom, to my friends, sisters, extended family, in-laws, and every nurturing woman with a mother's heart.  I love you all!