I Love Being Me...(Whoever That Is)

"I Love Being Me!"  We've all seen it.  That sign that hangs in every 4th grade elementary classroom across the country- encouraging children to "be themselves" and not settle for being "anybody else but you" etc, etc.  It's a pretty nice concept as a kid, and pretty easy to accept.

It seems to me, however, that as we "grow up" that whole idea gets kind of cloudy.  You don't really realize it until you're at a job interview and they ask you to elaborate about who you are. Uhhhhh.

I laughed so hard the first time I saw this meme- because someone nailed it.  This is exactly how I feel most of the time.  When I was a teenager I could go on and on about things I did that "made me who I was."  The classes I liked, where I worked, band, choir, and drum line, my church, and actual hobbies I had like journaling.  But here's the thing, once I became a Mom my answers were more like, "Well, I did music in college, and, I used to journal, and sometimes I like to watch TV when the baby's asleep." 

 I'm not super crafty and I don't always love to cook fancy food.  Most of the time I feel pretty good about myself if I actually put makeup on and keep the dishes done during the day.  Granted, this is a natural part of motherhood and I am ok with that.  But going through these miscarriages has given me another chance to look at my identity.  

Sometimes I think we get so swallowed up in being a wife and a mother (not to sound negative, it's consuming because it brings us the most joy) that we forget it is only part of who we are and part of what we are capable of.  I would never wish to lose the three pregnancies that I've lost, but I realize that this "break"  I have now is an opportunity for some time to myself.  Not that Jack is easy to handle- he's not.  He's in the terrible twos and very busy, but, I have more time than I would since I'm at home during the day with only one child. And, doctor's orders, I have to give my body a break from trying to have another baby at this point.  So at least I can know, it's just going to be me and Jack for a while.  We never want bad things to happen, but the best thing to do with it is use it to make improvement.  Otherwise, it's just a waste of pain.  

So yeah, I am learning to deal with this new reality that I'm probably not just going to have a baby whenever I want to, it's going to be harder than that, but having time between kids can also be a good thing.  I want to take this time to find my identity again as a person, not as a mom, not as a wife.  Those are parts of me, but I want to work on some other parts too.   

I went to hip hop night at Zumba this past week.  I love hip hop and dancing, and just getting out and having a good time.  I went with a friend and afterwards I was like "Wow sometimes I think I forget I'm only 22 years old."  I still like going out late with friends and dancing.  Sometimes I wish I lived where there was ANYTHING open after 9pm in ANY surrounding city. (Oh Idaho, I just can't wait to leave you sometimes.)  But this has been a good realization for me- I'm starting to get the idea that I can be a mom and still do other important (or fun) things with my life too.  

I've been pondering a lot on the passion I used to have.  I've been wanting to do something with my skill set, but it was mostly just one of those dreams that I was dreaming about and not doing anything about it.  After I graduated high school I organized and taught a middle school choir as a volunteer since the school didn't have money for a choral program.  It was one of the best things I've ever done; I loved it so much.  It really fueled my ambition for going into music education.  I ended up getting a BA in Music meaning I can teach in a studio or private school, but I dropped my education composite for a "minor" in Education Psychology since Jack came along a year before I finished college.  I think I kind of gave up my dream of helping kids in music somewhere along the way, at least in some ways.  

Then...in the midst of this pondering I got these little notes on facebook this week: 

I just wanted to say something to you on this Topsail Music Department award night. I got a Chorus award plaque, and I get my name on the same type of plaque you got your's on. All I could think about however was the senior project you worked on, and how you taught me and others the basics. I just wanted to thank you so much. I love you like a sister, maybe even like a chorus mother. Thank you so much.<3

Awwww!!!!! I love you too!! And (the post above) has a huge point. I feel the exact same way. In that short amount of time that we had chorus together, you've taught us all so much and I have no way to repay you but to say thank you for all of your hard work that you did with the chorus. Having you as a teacher back then in my 8th grade year, has taught me so much and I have memories that I will never forget lol and I will never forget singing a song about the pitter patter in the rain lol. 

These girls, I believe they are seniors now, probably have no idea how much this meant to me, even five years after the fact.  The reason I don't dive into more opportunities is, when it comes down to it, I really don't feel very qualified!  I'm not the best at what I do, I hang in there, and I love it, but man it is hard to call yourself a professional in any arts field. They gave me a boost though- if I could change lives before I even went to college, I should know enough to help somebody out now.

So I DID something this week!

1- First and foremost I did something that would make me happy- started playing music again.  My former professor at BYUI has allowed me to come back to the college ensemble and play a couple songs with them for the semester.  Most people probably don't want to go back to college a year after they graduate, but I qualify since Kevin is still a student.  Even going to a rehearsal once a week and having the rush (and terror) of sight reading on a xylophone has been really healing for me. I hope to play a little marimba (my one true love) before we move, because it sure is hard to keep up the hobby when you don't own a marimba.

2- I bought a song writing book. I did some composition in college because it was mandatory.  I'm not good at it, but I've had some songs in my head and it would be a worthwhile skill to practice while I spend my days at home.  Excited to try.

3- I'm still working Saturdays at the Health Food store.  I've been working there since 2009 and I really love it.  I'm glad I can still incorporate it into my life as a stay at home mom even though I can't work full time anymore.  It's outside my field but I've gotten good at it, and I've learned an enormous amount about health and supplements in a short amount of time.  It's a good environment for me to work in.  I know it will benefit multiple areas of my life.

4- I'm BLOGGING. Look at me go! I'm actually sticking with it.  It's healing for me to write, and especially to talk about our miscarriages and how they've affected me.  Getting everything out on "paper" helps me see that my life is still pretty amazing even though things feel really hard sometimes.

5- I'm exercising.  At least I'm really trying to.  I wrote all the Zumba times on the calendar and I have a renewed motivation to go. I really want to get my body feeling good again.  I'm sick of feeling worn out and heavier than I want to be.

6-  I've been job hunting in my field.  Music is kind of a hard thing to do part time if you don't want to run a studio in your home. (not right now, thank you very much).  But I've been looking for part time online work which maybe I could do from home.  I've signed up to be a tutor for a website and I'm just going through the approval stages now and doing the tests to prove I'm qualified (yikes!!!).  I might not get very many students or bring in very much money- but I'll be available if people need me and it will be good motivation to study up and keep my music knowledge fresh.  I regret that I never did drum set because that's what the kids want- but Kevin has one in Utah so maybe I'll learn in someday when we have a house.  I'm trying to get approved to teach:

drums (percussion)

ear training

general music

music history

music theory

sight singing

voice

Wish me luck!

And a little more about the baby stuff-  I haven't really felt this restless in a long time.  my mind wanders aimlessly into all these possibilities of what I maybe could or should be doing right now- I just have this desire to do SOMETHING.  I know it's good to have desire though, and I know I've made good progress.  Another family member of mine had a miscarriage this week. I think she was about 8 weeks.  These types of problems run on my mom's side of the family, so we have experienced many losses as a family, including two stillborn baby girls.  The nature and frequency of these losses makes it hard for me to feel like things will ever be ok sometimes.  The women in my family who have these problems, including myself, all share a common variable- a blood disorder.  It seems like doctors really don't understand it very well and we always just hope the "best guesses" work out.  I am thankful that I am young and have many years ahead of me that have possibilities for miracles.  

I remind myself that goals are one step at a time.  I'm trying to let my body heal and give it the best chance for the future.  I'm having lots of tests done that can't be done if I were pregnant.  Even though we are not trying to conceive right now, doesn't mean we're not working towards having another baby.  And this week, I've tried to dive into positive things that will better my life as we wait for our next little miracle someday.  I don't want to wait for my life to start, it's already happening now.    

PS- how could I ever complain about anything when I have this little cutie?