Lessons From a Third Miscarriage

“No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted. It ministers to our education, to the development of such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude and humility. All that we suffer and all that we endure, especially when we endure patiently, builds up our characters, purifies our hearts, expands our souls, and makes us more tender and charitable, more worthy to be called the children of God … and it is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we gain the education that we come here to acquire” (quoted in Spencer W. Kimball, Faith Precedes the Miracle [1972], 98).

Recurrent Miscarriage- I've found several blogs on infertility, but not as many on recurrent miscarriages.  There are a lot of similarities and cross overs, but they are different trials in the end.  I've been thinking about starting a blog anyway, and this seemed like an appropriate topic for me to share my thoughts on.  Recurrent miscarriage affects about 1% of couples trying to conceive.  That’s not very many.  Especially those of us in our early 20s. And for some reason, it can sometimes feel like a taboo subject.  But I know many couples feel the pain of it or a similar struggle, which is why I don’t feel uncomfortable sharing and being honest about it.  Sharing is healing for me. 

Patience- Whether it’s infertility or loss of life- the ache of feeling that a baby who belongs in your family is missing is constant and painful. And we are blessed enough to have a young son already- who is a miracle.  I’ve learned to trust God and hopefully will learn to be patient as I try to figure out what I’m supposed to be doing with my life. I’ll have a while to figure it out as my body recovers.  Sometimes you put everything on the table and give your whole heart- do everything you can and ask God to make up the difference, and the answer is still no.  And that is hard to swallow. 

Learning a New Kind of Faith- The night before I lost this baby, my brother and I were talking about having a “new kind of faith.” The kind of faith not to be healed, the kind that lets you be ok with everything not working out.  I know that God is trying to teach me this kind of faith.  I’m learning to trust Heavenly Father to the point where I’m not angry about my losses- just hurt and confused, but still trusting that He knows what He is doing. I know He doesn't want me to suffer needlessly and wouldn't put me through these painful experiences unless they were critical for me to become the woman He wants me to be. My brother brought up a talk by Elder Bednar discussing this principle. Here is a link-

http://www.lds.org/broadcasts/article/print/ces-devotionals/2013/01/that-we-might-not-shrink-d-c-19-18?lang=eng

When God Puts You in Impossible Circumstances - We Can Rise to the Occasion- I never thought I’d be able to take an injection in the belly every day.  The first time I was literally shaking with fear and thinking of how long this was going to last.  Also I had to ice each time afterwards and try to breathe through the burning.  It took me 4 times before I was able to breathe through it without crying, but I had to just count that as progress.  The important thing is that I did it, and found that I was willing to do anything to try and save my baby.  Even though the Lovenox didn't work, I know it was important to get the data of trying to do it- hopefully it’s one more piece to the puzzle. This is the most horrible game of guess and check ever played- because we guess and then wait to see if the baby dies or not.  Most days my heart doesn't feel up for playing- but I know that one of these times we have to get it right.

Living With Chronic Pain (of the Heart) – Everyone has pain that we somehow put aside to get through our mundane tasks of everyday.  The pain of recurrent miscarriages is a constant and sensitive pain- I’m in a stage of my life where many of my closest friends have beautiful, healthy pregnancies.  Trust me, I’m thrilled for you and your cute baby bump, I really am.  But that doesn't mean it’s not going to put a dagger through my heart when I see it.  Or when you tell me your big news and I talk excitedly on the phone, it doesn't mean I don’t hang up and sob uncontrollably.  Especially if your due date is close to one of my three due dates that never came.  Sometimes I do really good one day, and I’ll see lots of ultrasound pictures on facebook, then I kind of go downhill.  Not that I don’t want people not to share- I do! It just hurts.  I’m still learning how to manage this pain- but the one thing I can say is that you have to put it on the backburner, and bring it out just often enough to have good mental health.  If you let your days be consumed with thinking about what you want in life, but can’t seem to grasp now, you will always be miserable. I’m learning to live in the moment and enjoy where I’m at now. How else could we be happy in life? We all have pain- but we also all have blessings in it.  We need to spend our days focusing on those things that make us smile and laugh.  The things that bring us joy.  For me, I want to get back to music, which is what I went to college for.  Thank God for my little boy, who is becoming more of a miracle in my eyes each day and brings me so much joy.  I’m appreciating each moment with him more as he grows older.  It goes too quickly.  When we got married, we knew there was a chance that I would struggle maintaining pregnancy, but Jack was pretty much problem-free (not easy, but not complicated) so we thought we were off the hook for those issues.  That’s how Jack got his name- we saw a specialist at ten weeks along thinking we were going to have all kinds of problems- but somehow there were none.  God just took them away for us, so we named our son Jack, meaning “God is gracious.”   

How Others Perceive- Getting Past It- Ok, I know it’s as old as time, we shouldn’t care what others think.  But let’s be real for a second.  I certainly don’t care that people think incorrect things about us because they don’t have every intimate detail of our lives, and I certainly don’t feel judged for not yet having a second child when our boy isn't quite two BUT it bothers me to think people might wonder “when are they going to have another?” Or when customers at my job ask me about it casually, even though it is the most painful subject for me to discuss.  And why wouldn’t they ask? Why wouldn’t they assume we could have another soon?  We had one healthy child right after we got married.  No one has any reason to think we have any problems in that area- I wouldn't if I were them.  People ask me when I’m due if my shirt looks maternity style, or when I bloat after/during a miscarriage.  People I don’t even know ask me when we want another little one.  As if we get to choose.  As if we wanted to wait.  When I’m craving Taco Bell and people smile “uh oh, are you pregnant again?”  They aren’t doing anything wrong, I don’t blame them- but they have no idea how bad that hurts, but I’m learning to swallow it and move on and try not to let incorrect perceptions bother me. 

Things that Make Me Happy, Also Make Me Sad- Watching my toddler hold a baby doll.  He rocks it, feeds it, burps it, and wraps it in a blanket.  I keep thinking what a good big brother he would be.  So heartwarming; heart shattering.  Holding a newborn is one of the most intensely joyful experiences of this life- and also makes me feel that deep longing and hole in my heart that we are missing a new baby in our family.    

Knowing Your Life Plan is Changing, and Being Mad About It- We all have a plan- you know- the one that we kind of lay out the rest of our lives with.  We all know that life isn’t going to go “AS PLANNED” but we still kind of expect it to- at least with the big things.  My whole life I knew I wanted 6 kids.  Yes, that’s a lot of kids, but I’m from a big family and I love it.  That’s why I started young, which I’m glad I did because now I still have plenty of time.  But now after losing 3 in a row, that dream and plan is staring me in the face with a reality check. I may or may not have 6 children, or 3 or 4, I’m begging for a second one right now.  It’s still possible- yes.  But it will come with many losses, of that I am pretty sure.  I pushed hard to finish college but didn’t jump into the career world so that I could be a mom for my career, really dedicate all of myself to it, and start having lots of babies.  And it’s not happening.  Granted- I still am a full time mom and can still completely dedicate myself to being Jack’s mommy.  I have to accept that my plan is going to morph and change.  And guess what- I’m mad about it.  I know it’s immature, but I still am.  Kicking and screaming mad.  And to see other people living out that part of my dream, some people even who don’t even want kids or who keep having pregnancy “accidents,” and that makes me feel ripped off.  Even though I KNOW that their struggles are equal to mine in some area of their lives. I’m still mad.  I’m mad that 16 year old crack heads get babies and I don’t.  I don’t want this problem and I don’t want to change the vision for my life.  Nonetheless, it is morphing slowly.  God works to change the parts of us that need to change. 

Knowing the Difference- I’m so glad we decided to have children like RIGHT after we got married.  Though some people gave us crap about it and some people felt “sorry” for us- as if it had to be an accident because we didn't have more than a year to establish our own marital relationship before welcoming children.  I’ll tell you one thing- we are establishing our relationship now.  Going through real life crisis together has helped us become very close as a couple.  What a miracle our amazing son is.  And because of him, my losses hurt more.  I know what it means to love a child that you grew within you.  To see my face and my husband's face in his features.  I know how amazing and hard and life changing it is to bring life into the world.  I know the difference.  I know what I lose each time I lose a pregnancy.  I was ignorant to take my first pregnancy for granted because it was one of the greatest miracles that ever happened to me.  I want that experience again.  I know that at one point I was only 5 weeks along with Jack.  But somehow he made it past that fateful week when the other three couldn't.  Which is why I love these babies like I love my Jack- at least in some ways.  They say unless you've been through it, you don’t really know how things hurt.  Well, It’s the same with joy.  

Every Child is a Miracle- Especially our first son.  Jack was the result of my first pregnancy which was virtually complication free.  Now I wonder how that was even possible.  I look at every child in absolute awe about how they made it here.  I am learning to have the faith that someday, God willing, we will experience that miracle again.