When I asked him how the writing was going- he said "My emotions about this aren't complete sentences."
I thought that was the most poetic and honest thing he said- that's exactly how this feels- like incomplete sentences.
A Father's Perspective-
It's really
difficult to communicate how I these miscarriages have made me feel. I
think part of it is because it is just an unsettling thing to go through and I
still don't know where to place it. Another reason is that I'm a
man. It's definitely different from what my wife has gone through,
but there are similarities too. It's been really hard seeing my wife
in such sorrow during these trials and knowing there is absolutely nothing I
could do to make it better other than just be there with her. I would want to
be able to do something to help her, but nothing can make something like this
better.
Some of the most
difficult things that I went through personally came from the fact that when we
go through hard things, the rest of the world doesn't pause and wait for us to
get through them. It was really hard trying not to let the trial tear
our life and our goals apart. I still had responsibly at work, responsibly
at church, classes to go to, tests to take, and hours of homework and
studying to get done. I found it really difficult to try to take care
of my wife and son, meet all of my other responsibilities, and
to still find time to mourn on my own to try and make sense of everything. I
often found myself thinking about these little babies of ours during the
only times I really had to myself. Those times were usually when I was in my
car driving to or from school and work. I would think about who they might have
been and how happy I would have been to meet them and watch them grow up, and
sometimes I would just cry a little because I felt like I really missed
someone, but I didn't know who I was missing. I would also cry a little because
my wife was so sad and I didn't know how to help her.
Most of the time
during these trials I would just try to have hope and a positive attitude. I
knew we would get through it and that we would be stronger from it in the end.
Some of the things I've learned is that we are not the ones in control, but God
is. It has taught me that I really need to be kind and sensitive to
others because you never know what someone else is going through. I
think the most important thing I learned is that I am very blessed and have a
wonderful wife and son and I have become more aware of what a blessing it is to
have them.
----Thank you sweetheart. It's interesting he said that he only found quiet moments to mourn here and there, it made me realize we have opposite problems- I have too many "quiet" moments to myself where I'm not distracted enough and the mourning takes over.
Follow Up Thoughts-
Here's what is hard for me to be hearing right now.
"If you never have another baby....it will be ok....at least you have Jack...he is wonderful" or whatever else you want to fill in the blank with. It's true- we would be "ok" even if we never have more children. Jack is a wonderful miracle and a joy, and it's true that we are lucky to have him. Despite their good intentions, do you know what it sounds like to me when someone says "Even if you never have another baby...." It sounds more like
-You had a good run
-You tried three times, don't feel the need to put yourself through any more pain
-You did your best
-It will be easier on your heart if you give up hope
-Accept the worst case scenario just in case so you don't get your hopes up.
I hope I don't sound rude, I know that these are sincere thoughts to try and help me find peace, and maybe they do hold a little bit of comfort. But mostly it's just stifling- I need drive to keep going, not cause to give up.
"Afterpains" and Living For Now, Living With Hope
After you give birth to a baby, you experience physical "afterpains" which feels like less intense labor caused by the uterus shrinking back down so quickly. I've been experiencing "afterpains" from this 3rd miscarriage but they are felt more in my heart and my spirit than in my body (though the physical too, are there unfortunately). Here are some of the ones I have experienced over the last few days.
-I had not one, but two friends announce that they are expecting their second child. I thought I would be over that sting by now, but guess what, I'm not. I should have made that announcement three times now, and despite my planning of how I would announce the news each time, I keep watching others do it instead.
-I put on a pair of jeans that I hadn't worn in almost a week. As I pulled them up I realized the button was still looped through the hole with a hair tie- the old trick that I used as my belly had started to stretch and my muscles let out even so early on. By your 4th pregnancy your body pretty much lets go of any belly tone right away. I started crying right when I saw that hair tie. I didn't need it anymore. There was no baby anymore, I wouldn't be growing anymore. Though I am grateful for my body's ability to stabilize and return to normal, it also hurts to see it happening so quickly. I've lost 4 pounds and a couple inches, the bleeding has slowed almost to a stop within a week. It's amazing how quickly everything goes back- as if it never happened. That's what hurts. It's like it never happened. I'm just not sure how to mourn these three pregnancies. Life was there, it started, levels were rising, baby and I were growing- then suddenly it stops. There is no memorial, no fond memories, just emptiness and the strange feeling that I have an empty womb and empty arms. I was pregnant, and now I am postpartum, but there is no child. Like it never happened. How do we mourn? My husband took a picture of me on his phone when I started to show a little in my second pregnancy. He was wanting to do a timeline and watch us grow. Do we delete that picture? A picture of me from last year smiling and holding my belly that bore a child we never met? Do we save that picture? It is too painful for me and I would rather delete it, but he likes it on his phone and told me he doesn't want to. So I let him keep it, but to me it breaks my heart to see it, and see how happy I was.
-I happened to be at my mom's house on vacation when I lost this baby. I was thankful to have her help and support but it was very difficult to be away from my husband. I was packing everything up tonight, including the rest of the shots that I didn't use. I felt strong surges of emotions as I looked at those needles that I was so afraid of. I've wished so badly that I was still using them, and that they were working. I would gladly take another shot. I've learned that love really does conquer fear.
The picture I took when I picked up my first months worth and was scared out of my head:
Somehow despite all the loss, I really have never felt doubt that we will have more children. Of that, I feel pretty sure. I know we will. The part I struggle with is the when, the how, the number of losses, the number of children even. But I realize that all of these questions are in God's hands, so all I can do is trust that He knows what is best and why- and once I give that part over to Him, I can be happy.
Blessings-
I received a priesthood blessing the night before I lost our last baby. I was feeling overwhelmed with anxiety, because I felt like something was wrong. This is personal, but I feel it's appropriate to share. I was reminded in this blessing, that when we lean on the Power of God, with all our faith, it has the power to make miracles happen, even changing the innerworkings of my body. I know that to be true. I know that it happened before with Jack because it was his time to come. I know that God knows me better than I know myself. He knows the chemistry of every detail of my body. He knows exactly how medications will effect my body and interact with a pregnancy. He has all the variables and all the cards. He knows how to fix it, and He can change my body's very ability to maintain a pregnancy in His time and according to His will. I know I need to go through this pain now- but I was so comforted to be reminded that when it is time, and if I am careful to listen to the Spirit, I will know what I need to do and we will have another child. I know I still have to work on my end and do all I can, do the research and testing and procedures, and He will make up the difference for us.
Looking Up To Others-
I know so many amazing men and women. At times like these I think of women who have endured more, and had more strength than I. Who have overcome superhuman problems. Their legacy leaves me feeling empowered and helps me to not feel so alone. My Grandma wrote me of a woman who suffered nine miscarriages before finally giving birth to a son. She did not live long to raise him, but I know she received peace after she passed. Her son grew up to be the father of Howard W Hunter, one of the prophets of the LDS church. Sometimes we have to wait a long time for our blessings to be realized and for our hearts to heal. Think of the bible- it seems that the most dreaded "curse" or trial for women in the bible was being barren. They struggled with their identity and longing for children because of it, and I don't think much has changed. I think of Emma Smith, wife to the prophet Joseph, who was persecuted and mocked. Who lost many many children and lost her beloved husband to murderers. I don't know how she did it. I hear people who are critical of her and I just shake my head. One of my favorite songs is about Emma Smith and it brings me comfort to listen to it and think of her and know that she was an Elect daughter of God and He loved and remembered her, but she still had to endure painful trials. Here is a link to the song:
<3 amber
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