Second Trimester!

We have made it to 14 weeks!  This is the point where most of the world starts to worry less and enjoy the pregnancy more.  I'm trying to do the same- but it's easier said than done.  I am, however, thrilled and humbled to be in my second trimester.  I have begged God in countless prayers over the years to help me at least get to this point- and now that it's happening, I have a hard time believing it.

Baby is at least as long as a lemon now, but since he or she measured about 14 weeks at our 13 week appointment- their true size now is probably closer to an orange.  We have hit a major growth spurt- baby's weight should nearly double each week at this point.  Baby's neck is longer now, so he or she is "standing up" and looks even more baby-like.  Our little one is probably sucking their thumb- and is now experimenting with all kinds of facial expressions!

Baby at 14 weeks development

How am I doing?  My appetite is starting to come back!  I'm sure I'll regain those 8 pounds in no time.  I can still only eat small portions at a time without feeling sick- but small frequent meals are better for you anyway.  The cravings are still in full swing.  I usually crave fresh fruit, specific salads (usually Winger's Salad which is too expensive to indulge in most of the time), and occasionally breakfast food like hashbrowns and fried eggs.  Caramel apple spice from Starbucks is my late night craving of choice.  

Round ligament pain is now a daily occurrence for me.  It's funny how those sharp pains reassure me that everything is growing properly, and make me worried at the same time.  Sometimes it's a real shock how much everything can hurt if you stand up too fast.  I've had lots of issues with my SI joint moving around too much, especially this early.  It's extremely painful and sometimes makes it so I can't put weight on one of my legs until everything pops back in.  It's likely from the back issues I have pre-pregnancy combined with Relaxin and my expanding belly.  Fortunately I have my almost-graduated physical therapist husband to help.  He can usually pop everything back into place even through my screaming and crying at him.  He has some stabilization exercises ready for me as soon as I feel up to doing them.  Other life issues have arisen that have stressed me out to the max this week- but I have great support and I'm learning how to deal.  Life is what it is.  We go on and we'll make it somehow, no matter what!

Gotta have that cider

I have been pondering quite a bit this week regarding low dose aspirin therapy near delivery time. When the MFM talked about stopping it at 34 weeks, everything inside me screamed NO immediately. During my time in support groups, researching, and networking- I have met many women who deal with MTHFR in addition to other risk factors- like me. Many of these women (and I would say a disproportional amount than a normal sample from the public) have had unexplained stillbirths. Ever since I was diagnosed with MTHFR, stillbirth has been a fear of mine. Now, it's becoming a stronger, more real fear. I found that often these babies would have no obvious cause of death. "Just a fluke.  The heart just stopped." I'm convinced that MTHFR, when in combination with other risks, causes more issues, and specifically stillbirths, than has been accepted by science currently. It's happened twice in my own family.

My doctors are not concerned with MTHFR. I have two copies of the same mutation- the rarer type at that. But many people can have some form of MTHFR and have no complications or knowledge that they have it. I've had to go with my gut this whole pregnancy- and everything leading up to it. I think in combination with Leiden Factor V, the MTHFR becomes more dangerous. I feel confident that I have a healthy baby right now- but I don't want to take a sudden turn for the worse. I HAVE to treat the mutation the best I know how. That includes a simple regiment of baby aspirin. I took it through delivery with Jack- it seems like a tried and tested method to me. The MFM said if I were going to get a clot in the cord or something- that aspirin likely wouldn't prevent it anyway. That doesn't seem like a good enough reason to me not to take it! I think the risk of hemorrhage or placenta abruption doesn't compare to the risk of small clots near delivery in my case. Especially with baby aspirin- I'm not on Lovenox anymore. It just seems like near the end of pregnancy, there comes a point when baby will be safer outside of me than inside.  

I know that there isn't enough research on my side here. My doctors don't really hear these concerns. Have I argued with my doctors before? Absolutely. I haven't always been right- but it's brought me this far.  I'm just trying to make the most informed decision possible.  Some of my doctors still don't believe that Kevin's surgery had any effect on the fact that we know have a baby with healthy DNA (??!!???) I have had to fight for every test, every diagnosis, and every new treatment plan through all six miscarriages. I'm sure as hell not going to stop advocating and researching for my baby now that there is a good chance of survival. It's not just about my brain and the science- it's a matter of the heart. I'm their mother.

I've been gently reminded not to drive myself crazy. There is risk in everything. Most things are out of our control. This is totally true. I don't keep my almost-five-year-old in a bubble all day- that's no way to live. Life is scary and fragile but you have to keep living anyway. However, I think you have to keep researching and getting opinions when you have a strong feeling about a specific treatment. Do you have any idea how crazy pregnancy after multiple losses makes you? Literally crazy. No denying it. You don't trust anything anymore. Nothing feels simple. You worry about your baby staying alive. All. The. Time. Talk to anyone who has been through it. Every heartbeat check, ultrasound, doctor appointment- you just fight through the fear. The innocent faith of "Oh everything will be fine" is lost. Because that is not your reality. No matter how many people try to tell you otherwise- you know better. The risk is real. BUT- so is the hope. The hope is real. So you cling to it.

I've found help in talking to women in my specific situation. Their support is invaluable. They totally get it. They make me feel less crazy. One of the most valuable pieces of advice was given to me by my counselor last year. When I told her all the reasons I shouldn't feel like this. She said, "You are going to feel what you're going to feel. You can't change that." So simple but so profound. These emotions are what they are. But I can choose how I handle them. After all the research and all the debate- there comes a point where it becomes an issue of faith. That's the point I need to turn it over to God and ask for peace. That is where I'm at now. I'm trying to learn how to do just that. In two weeks I have my next OB appointment. I want to clarify their position on the aspirin- since they are the group delivering me and honestly- the only opinion I even care about. I hope we can come to an understanding and I can breathe a little easier after that. I know God is watching over us, and I know all of you, our loved ones are standing by to help!

13 week update

This is a week of miracles!  I just got back from my MFM appointment and I am so excited to fill everyone in!  First of all- my hemorrhage has healed!!!!  They couldn't even get a measurement on it.  I am so overwhelmed with joy I can't even show any emotion at all.  I am 13 weeks today and baby measures 13 weeks + 6 days (made me feel a little better about my bump.)  Maybe another 9 pound baby is in my future.  I on the other hand, lost more weight, making a total of 8 pounds that I've lost in the first trimester.  Time to start giving in to all those cravings!  Hopefully my appetite will be back soon.  The ultrasound pictures are blurry but we saw baby moving all over the place- moving his or her tummy up and down and lots of kicking!  We were able to see both sides of the brain- and we even saw the stomach, which told us that baby is already swallowing!  We also learned that my placenta is right in the front- which may make it difficult to feel some of baby's kicks later on (but I sure hope not.)

The new specialist was good- much nicer than my previous MFM.  Still abrupt but that's how specialists are.  He wants to see me back at 20 weeks for the main anatomy scan.  I'm not sure if I will last 7 weeks...maybe I will fork out $50 to check on baby by about week 17 and see if it's a boy or girl.  He is reassured and thinks the pregnancy will be normal.  The only thing we disagree on is that he wants to stop aspirin at about 34 weeks- and that terrifies me.  Most doctors discredit MTHFR as even being an issue because of the lack of research.  I have family members that have lost babies full term and I also know others with MTHFR who have also had stillbirths.  I really think it's more of a factor than has been studied.  My hematologist a few years ago seemed to agree with me.  I want to do aspirin the whole time.  I know it's a slight risk late in pregnancy- but I did aspirin the entire pregnancy with Jack and it seemed to work for him.  My OB wanted me on aspirin too.  The problem is, every doctor has a different opinion about it.  I feel comfortable with staying on the aspirin the whole time- it seems like less of a risk to have bleeding complications.  The MFM said we can discuss it more next appointment.  So I need to ponder on that.

Some sources list 13 weeks as the first week in the second trimester because you are a full week into the 4th month.  More often, week 13 is listed as the LAST week of the first trimester.  Either way it is a time to celebrate!  One week from now I can officially say I'm in the second trimester and that is a dream come true.  Baby is now as big as a peach, already has fingerprints and is now working on growing fingernails!  

With my pregnancy with Jack I didn't have a history of loss, so I wasn't as worried about him.  I was in full time school- so time went by much faster.  I had school and rehearsals all day and night, and homework until I fell asleep.  My husband and I were still in our first year of marriage.  I was more preoccupied then.  With this baby- between being more sick than I was with Jack, and being so worried all the time, the days drag by very slowly.  Very.  Slowly.  The spotting I've had recently isn't horrible- but I wish for my heart's sake it would just stop all together!

I just want to start enjoying this pregnancy!  The miracle of it!  Somehow it just won't sink in that my baby is doing well.  I feel so disconnected from that reality sometimes.  How awful is it that sometimes I still get jealous of other pregnant people.  Like, I'll see a girl 6 or 7 months along in the store and I'll think, "I'm sure her baby will be fine, and normal, and healthy."  When am I going to start thinking that about my own baby and let my heart catch up to the fact that our miracle is happening?  Wake up it is happening!!  It seems like such an ungrateful attitude to still be jealous of other women.  Maybe it's become an instinct and I'm just trying to rewire my brain.  Maybe I really never expected another baby of ours to survive.

At the same time, when I do try to enjoy my baby and bond- I get survivor's guilt.  If I am in a public place, and subconsciously rub my belly- I am immediately struck with guilt and want to apologize to everyone around me.  I think, "What if some poor struggling girl just walked by and saw me do that and it was a trigger for her?"  Even when I was the one struggling- I knew women weren't trying to rub their joy in my face- but it would still ruin my day!  Something as small as seeing a woman beam and rub her belly or say she felt a kick would bring on my grief so suddenly that I would go home and cry the rest of the day.  I never want to be responsible for causing someone else that hurt.  I know I should enjoy my miracle pregnancy- bond with baby, rub my belly, rejoice every day.  I think that for so many years those little actions that signify joy, started being associated with pain in my mind.  It is a tricky path to navigate- pregnancy after loss.  Pregnancy after recurrent loss particularly for me.  Not because recurrent loss is necessarily worse, but because year after year it was beat into my mind that the reality is- every baby is lost at some point.  I am trying so hard to get over that perception.  Every day is a battle.  It's still scary.  Sometimes the idea of buying something small for the baby like a pacifier or socks will make me cry.  I wonder why I am kidding myself- why am I letting myself buy these things when I will have to return them later?  Ok, I know, it sounds like I could use some counseling.  The good news is- baby is ok.  I am ok.  Kevin and Jack are ok.  Before we know it, baby will be here- staring my doubt right in the face and winning.  Keep fighting little warrior. <3

3 month update

Hello 12 weeks!  I'm so thrilled to be three months- it means I'm almost out of the worst trimester!  Months 4, 5, and 6 hold some of the best parts of pregnancy.  The chub around your middle starts forming into a cute basketball, morning sickness is replaced with hunger and energy, baby's gender can be revealed, and those little kicks get hard enough to feel them!  I truly didn't know if I would ever make it into the second trimester again.  Now that I'm so close, I'm feeling hopeful and excited.  

My womb is now the size of a melon and baby is the size of a plum...and it's getting hard to hide!  I still feel kind of embarrassed at how big I feel already- but I waited so many years for this that I'm just going to enjoy it!  I feel like I'm getting to the stage where I have less bloat and more bump.

My OB apt went really well!  I have actually LOST four pounds!  Thank you morning sickness! Haha- that was quite the relief because I am feeling very fat.  I loved the new doctor I saw.  He walked in looking at my chart and said, "You have QUITE the history!"  I wanted to hug him just for recognizing that.  Sometimes I talk to doctors who don't seem to care at all and I just want to scream, "Do you have any idea what I've been through to get here?"  He was genuinely happy that I've made it this far and said it's a really good sign that baby's heart sounds so good at this stage.  Recently I've had some more spotting, so we just talked about taking it easy and letting the bleed stabilize.  He said usually if the bleed is growing you will have active bleeding so it's a good sign when the spotting stops.  He was very reassuring.  He also agreed that I need to see an MFM- in fact he wants the perinatologist to do the 20 week anatomy scan instead of the OB office.  I am so thankful that he wants me to get the best care.  The OB office will see me back at 16 weeks to do some blood draws so I have a little break.      

So the best news of the week is that I have an apt with a new MFM!  It's in Provo so I don't have to commute so far and the office seemed much more willing to see me and work with me!  Fingers crossed that I don't have to fight any more for the care I want baby to have.  The appointment is a week from today- they have me scheduled for an ultrasound so they can measure the bleed and check on baby.  After the ultrasound I get to meet with the perinatologist and come up with a game plan.  That's all I've wanted!  I am really hoping that the bleed is breaking up and hasn't continued to grow :/  I'm nervous.  I just need to breathe through the anxiety for another week and hope for good news.  So it looks like we will have an ultrasound at the MFM at 13 weeks and 20 weeks.  We can have an ultrasound at 16 weeks at the OB office to find out boy or girl (if I can come up with 50 bucks haha!)  I think I will want to have a 16 week ultrasound because it will be right in between the two others and help the anxiety.  Also I think finding out the gender will help me bond with the baby.

I'm starting to realize that this pregnancy will probably not ever be easy for me- even when I "get to a certain point."  Pregnancy will probably never be an easy thing for me ever again.  That's ok though.  I don't really care if it's easy as long as the end result is good.  This is usually around the time when most women announce their pregnancy because you're almost past the "safe point."  Unfortunately I know that the "safe point" is an illusion and there is no such thing in reality.  I'm all too aware of the risk of late miscarriages and stillbirths.  Even in my own family.  I don't focus on it though.  The risk for me has dropped substantially- and I still have age on my side.  My chances are good at this point.

My back and hips have been killing me this week.  I think it's mostly due to the lordosis in my back.  It's hard to keep walking around when something will suddenly pop out- but I just need to take it as a sign that everything is growing!  My PT husband can't wait for me to be in the postpartum stage so he can start new treatments with me.  Someday I'll be able to walk normally!  

I started a pinterest board of newborn photo shoot poses to share with my best friend and photographer.  She's practicing so we can have a great shoot when baby is here!  Looking at those pictures and letting it sink in that a baby is coming home filled me with such joy and excitement that it actually scared me.  Sometimes I feel a sort of disconnect.  Like my daydream is separate from reality.  It's hard to accept that my baby is really growing and will quite likely be born alive and healthy.  It seems so different from the reality that I've come to know.  I have to remind myself that baby already has a basically fully formed body- that now needs to just grow and develop.  I'm not waiting for baby to come- he or she is already alive and moving and with me now.  I'm trying to just enjoy that fact.

11 week update

This is how big baby is now!  The size of a lime!

Hello 11 weeks!  Baby's organs are functioning now (kids are independent so fast aren't they?)  He or she can yawn, and apparently the sense of smell is working now (even though I'm not sure what there is to smell...but that's what science says.)

The miracle of life will never be lost on me again.  I am astounded that every time we have had an ultrasound- the baby has grown and is still growing!  How has the baby not stopped growing?  How is it possible that everything is working as it is supposed to?  How is it possible that baby's little heart continues beating around the clock day after day?  Miracle just doesn't seem an adequate word to describe the experience.  Everything we have been through has given me a new appreciation and wonder in watching pregnancy unfold.  It seemed like an impossible fairy tale for so long.

At this stage, feeling growing twinges and pains and weird digestive sensations is a frequent experience.  And even though it seems early- I have been lucky enough to feel a couple of those unmistakable little somersaults this week.  It's too early for kicks because the bones aren't hard enough- but a few of the flips and flutters were definitely baby and not growing twinges!  I can't wait to feel it more defined and more often.  It will be so comforting and exciting.  

We check the heartbeat often, usually every few days.  It puts my anxiety at ease to hear baby alive and well. It's a lot easier to find the heartbeat now- baby is bigger and much higher up in my belly now.  This week went pretty smoothly- aside from one bad cramping episode that scared me quite a bit.  Of course that was the night I couldn't find the heartbeat right away.  I think managing my anxiety is going to be the most difficult part of this pregnancy for me.  The only other fun story this week was when I got a bloody nose- and the smell of blood was so strong that it made me want to vomit.  Haha- I'm pretty sure I looked ridiculous.

It's a little early to be nesting- but we have been in "spring cleaning" mode this week.  We've been rearranging furniture and trying to make space to put a crib in our room.  Our lovely little townhome is already a bit cozy for three and a dog- so I think it will take some work to make enough room for a baby.  I love just imagining it.  It's so hard for me to picture bringing a baby home- but the rearranging is helping make the vision real.  We'll probably move when our lease is up next March.  Baby will only be about three months old- so we can make it that long before we find a more spacious place to live.  Thankfully we're not having twins or we'd have to buy a new car too haha.

My score of the week was finding a lightly used pregnancy pillow to buy at half price!  It has been so hard to sleep already.  Mostly because of my back pain.  I was already taking a prescription anti-inflammatory and muscle relaxer to help manage my back issues before putting the extra pressure on it.  Now that I'm off all that medicine and hot baths I've been searching for relief.  I highly recommend the Snoogle! Haha don't you love all the ridiculous names for things to do with babies and motherhood?  I slept straight until 3am without tossing or turning my first night using the pillow.  Win!

Life has been kind of wearing me down lately.  We knew the last half year of Kevin's doctorate would be difficult- but you never really know how hard it is until you get there.  He is under an immense amount of stress right now.  Since baby is due in December, he is trying to take the board and get his license a few months before he graduates.  That way he can get a job right away, God willing.  It's hard to find time to study for the board since he works at least full time without pay and has online classes at night.  He can barely find time to study for his current exams.  The price of tuition has continued to increase, the amount of loans we have to live on is decreasing  We are getting thousands less than we anticipated.  There's really not much to do about it except trust that somehow things will work out.  The numbers just don't work out and my OCD brain has a hard time just accepting that!  It's just another trial of faith.  I'm hormonal anyway though...so meltdowns are known to come out of nowhere!  We have always managed somehow and the Lord has always blessed us before to get a last minute scholarship or loan or help from family.  Deep breath. :)      

My biggest worry currently is still the SCH.  I'm always anxious wondering what is happening with it.  I'm still in the process of trying to get into a new MFM- and I'm crossing my fingers that they will be willing to monitor the bleed more often than every 3 months.  I just need to know what's happening so I can make the best decisions.  If it gets large enough I know bed rest can be recommended- so why wouldn't it at least be monitored?!  I have a new doctor for my 12 week appointment next week- so I'm hoping I might get more support from the OB office after speaking with him.  Male OBs seem to be much more compassionate than women in my experience.  Haha.  Women are always like "suck it up you're fine."

I can't complain too much.  I will always have my worry- but right now I am feeling blessed.  Sometimes I truly can't believe how far this baby has made it!  What a blessing!  Keep growing little rainbow <3

10 week update

Ten weeks- double digits!  Baby is developing fingernails and hair now!  He or she is also swallowing and kicking around a lot (even though I can't feel it yet.)  Only three more weeks of this miserable first trimester.  I say that mostly because of the anxiety.  I will feel like baby is safer in the second trimester- and eventually feeling those kicks will be reassuring.  I'll be happy to be rid of the morning sickness too- but I can't let myself complain about it too much because I'm just so thankful we've made it this far.  I miss my medicine that helps me sleep through the night.  I don't dare taking anything to help in the first trimester, even if it's on the "safe list."  So at this point I'm exhausted but somehow still up half the night.  But it's worth it.

Animation of baby at ten weeks along

 

hahahahaha

The week hasn't been flawless, but overall it's been really good.  At the start of the week I was losing more old blood, which is always nerve racking.  Fortunately, around the same time we were able to find the heartbeat on our Doppler for the first time.  It is such a beautiful and reassuring sound!  It's not consistently loud enough to get an accurate heart rate reading- but we just count it ourselves :)  Video below:

  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wedHRM48-Cc

My big boy graduated preschool this week and I am so proud of him!  I hope he never feels lost in all the chaos of the pregnancy.  His teacher had lovely things to say about him (which made me emotional) and we are preparing to start all-day kindergarten in the fall.  It's going to be quite the transition and my mommy heart feels all kinds of confused about it.

After hearing a strong heartbeat, the risk of a miscarriage by 10 weeks is only 2%.  Some studies say it's even lower.  You would think my risks are higher- but since our other babies had initial issues in the DNA, it seems like this pregnancy is in a different category and probably more normal as far as risks go.  I just love being to a point where the risk of losing the baby is much lower!  

I've had constant anxiety about my subchorionic hemmorhage.  I've been wondering if it has been growing due to the aspirin.  It also seems to risky to stop the aspirin because of the risk of baby's cord clotting. I was getting nowhere with the OB checking it and the MFM wouldn't look since I was under the care of the OB.  I talked to my nurse at the fertility clinic and she thought it was ridiculous of them not to at least check and follow up.  I know all we can do is monitor it, but if the bleed became really large I would need to know so I can make an educated decision about the blood thinners.  My nurse is in the process of referring me to a new MFM in Provo and I really hope I get better care there.  I don't know what I would do without my fertility clinic.  They get it.  She decided to order a scan for me at the hospital in the meantime.  I was so ready to know what was going on so I could hopefully have some peace.

My sister brought me this "Worth the Wait" maternity shirt and it's so true.  It's been worth the wait to get to this point and it will be worth waiting the rest of this scary pregnancy to hold my little one.

The hospital was able to squeeze us in for an ultrasound and for the most part, it was a very happy moment.  Baby was measuring three days ahead growth-wise (which put our due date in the report on Christmas Day!)  He or she had a great heartbeat, and was moving around.  I loved seeing baby kick and punch and wiggle!  It was amazing to see and connect with them in that way.

Look at baby!  Punching and kicking at the same time!

The radiology report listed the new measurements for the bleed- 2.6 x 1.9 x 0.7 cm.  So that looks about 10mm larger than two weeks ago.  I'm trying to keep a few things in mind.  First- the OB told me she didn't know how to measure the bleed when she did, so the initial measurement might have been off.  Second- a small amount of growth in the bleed is normal since everything else has grown (according to the ultrasound tech).  Third- it's hard to measure a 3D shape that can change.  Everything being said, it's not a HUGE bleed.  The aspirin is PROBABLY still the smartest choice for now.  My guess is we just need to keep an eye on it every few weeks, and I hope the MFM will go for that.

The best news is that the bleed doesn't appear to be near the placenta.  That is a huge relief!  I'm not as worried about the SCH peeling the placenta up, and baby seems unaffected for now.  I REALLY don't like that the measurements are larger, even a little, but I know that SCHs often don't resolve until like 20-24 weeks so I'm trying to be patient and not too worried.  It's not easy.  There's not a lot you can do with the situation except watch it and wait and hope.  The best I can do is avoid lifting, heavy housework, stay on pelvic rest, and put my feet up as much as possible.  It sounds relaxing but it makes for really long days where I sit and stress about everything I "should" be doing.  I really hope that I'm making all the right decisions.  Baby aspirin with SCHs is a debate in the medical world so I have to rely on faith.

All life is fragile- not just life in utero.  All we can do is enjoy each day and each blessing- and hope for the best.