This is a week of miracles! I just got back from my MFM appointment and I am so excited to fill everyone in! First of all- my hemorrhage has healed!!!! They couldn't even get a measurement on it. I am so overwhelmed with joy I can't even show any emotion at all. I am 13 weeks today and baby measures 13 weeks + 6 days (made me feel a little better about my bump.) Maybe another 9 pound baby is in my future. I on the other hand, lost more weight, making a total of 8 pounds that I've lost in the first trimester. Time to start giving in to all those cravings! Hopefully my appetite will be back soon. The ultrasound pictures are blurry but we saw baby moving all over the place- moving his or her tummy up and down and lots of kicking! We were able to see both sides of the brain- and we even saw the stomach, which told us that baby is already swallowing! We also learned that my placenta is right in the front- which may make it difficult to feel some of baby's kicks later on (but I sure hope not.)
The new specialist was good- much nicer than my previous MFM. Still abrupt but that's how specialists are. He wants to see me back at 20 weeks for the main anatomy scan. I'm not sure if I will last 7 weeks...maybe I will fork out $50 to check on baby by about week 17 and see if it's a boy or girl. He is reassured and thinks the pregnancy will be normal. The only thing we disagree on is that he wants to stop aspirin at about 34 weeks- and that terrifies me. Most doctors discredit MTHFR as even being an issue because of the lack of research. I have family members that have lost babies full term and I also know others with MTHFR who have also had stillbirths. I really think it's more of a factor than has been studied. My hematologist a few years ago seemed to agree with me. I want to do aspirin the whole time. I know it's a slight risk late in pregnancy- but I did aspirin the entire pregnancy with Jack and it seemed to work for him. My OB wanted me on aspirin too. The problem is, every doctor has a different opinion about it. I feel comfortable with staying on the aspirin the whole time- it seems like less of a risk to have bleeding complications. The MFM said we can discuss it more next appointment. So I need to ponder on that.
Some sources list 13 weeks as the first week in the second trimester because you are a full week into the 4th month. More often, week 13 is listed as the LAST week of the first trimester. Either way it is a time to celebrate! One week from now I can officially say I'm in the second trimester and that is a dream come true. Baby is now as big as a peach, already has fingerprints and is now working on growing fingernails!
With my pregnancy with Jack I didn't have a history of loss, so I wasn't as worried about him. I was in full time school- so time went by much faster. I had school and rehearsals all day and night, and homework until I fell asleep. My husband and I were still in our first year of marriage. I was more preoccupied then. With this baby- between being more sick than I was with Jack, and being so worried all the time, the days drag by very slowly. Very. Slowly. The spotting I've had recently isn't horrible- but I wish for my heart's sake it would just stop all together!
I just want to start enjoying this pregnancy! The miracle of it! Somehow it just won't sink in that my baby is doing well. I feel so disconnected from that reality sometimes. How awful is it that sometimes I still get jealous of other pregnant people. Like, I'll see a girl 6 or 7 months along in the store and I'll think, "I'm sure her baby will be fine, and normal, and healthy." When am I going to start thinking that about my own baby and let my heart catch up to the fact that our miracle is happening? Wake up it is happening!! It seems like such an ungrateful attitude to still be jealous of other women. Maybe it's become an instinct and I'm just trying to rewire my brain. Maybe I really never expected another baby of ours to survive.
At the same time, when I do try to enjoy my baby and bond- I get survivor's guilt. If I am in a public place, and subconsciously rub my belly- I am immediately struck with guilt and want to apologize to everyone around me. I think, "What if some poor struggling girl just walked by and saw me do that and it was a trigger for her?" Even when I was the one struggling- I knew women weren't trying to rub their joy in my face- but it would still ruin my day! Something as small as seeing a woman beam and rub her belly or say she felt a kick would bring on my grief so suddenly that I would go home and cry the rest of the day. I never want to be responsible for causing someone else that hurt. I know I should enjoy my miracle pregnancy- bond with baby, rub my belly, rejoice every day. I think that for so many years those little actions that signify joy, started being associated with pain in my mind. It is a tricky path to navigate- pregnancy after loss. Pregnancy after recurrent loss particularly for me. Not because recurrent loss is necessarily worse, but because year after year it was beat into my mind that the reality is- every baby is lost at some point. I am trying so hard to get over that perception. Every day is a battle. It's still scary. Sometimes the idea of buying something small for the baby like a pacifier or socks will make me cry. I wonder why I am kidding myself- why am I letting myself buy these things when I will have to return them later? Ok, I know, it sounds like I could use some counseling. The good news is- baby is ok. I am ok. Kevin and Jack are ok. Before we know it, baby will be here- staring my doubt right in the face and winning. Keep fighting little warrior. <3
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