4 month update

Wow what a rough week!  I'm happy to have made it to another month mark.  Let's start with the happy stuff- baby is doing amazing things this week.  Now, baby can hold his or her head up in the womb, and their hearing is working!  It's especially exciting to Jack that baby can hear- he's been talking to my belly all week so that baby knows his voice- it's so cute.  I'm getting new stretch marks that I didn't have with Jack- so baby must be growing.  I haven't felt any strong kicks yet, probably due to the low-lying anterior placenta, but I'm feeling more movement which is very reassuring!

The week started out rough just a few days in.  On Friday night, I had a full on panic attack for the first time in a long time.  I think I was feeling emotional with all the horrible current events happening, and I was feeling anxious because of some cramping and back pain.  I felt the panic coming on and laid down in bed.  I told Kevin "I feel like I might have a panic attack..." and that fast, it started.  It felt like my lungs completely deflated and I couldn't get them to open.  So I sat there with a total concave chest trying to breathe in for 10-15 seconds at a time, but taking I wasn't taking in any air.  Just inhuman sucking sounds and gasping.  It happened over and over.  It was terrifying.  When I could breathe it was just sobs.  My brain was screaming at me, "Breathe!  You have to breathe!  Your baby needs air!"  I started feeling tightening in the uterus and something in my brain snapped that I was going to give myself contractions if I couldn't get it together.  Luckily the whole thing only lasted ten minutes.  It has been months since I've had such an intense episode.  It was a let down because I've really been doing so well even off all medication.  I was able to pray before bed and actually get a good night's rest.

The next day, I had a fun morning at a bridal shower for my soon-to-be sister-in-law.  I was happy and calm and glad the past night's events were behind me.  My bestie said she wanted to take me out for some tacos.  Well shoot, it had been months since I could stomach tacos, so I was ready to give that a try!  We went out to lunch and I excused myself to the bathroom (since you know, my bladder lasts about 10 minutes these days.)  To my shock and horror, I found blood when I went in the bathroom.  It was bright red and soaking the toilet paper.  My head started spinning.  I hadn't seen fresh blood that heavy for two months.  Back in the first trimester, I had a reason to bleed- the SCH.  But we saw at 13 weeks that the bleed was totally resolved.  I walked back out to the table- with no appetite left, not quite sure what to do.  It was Saturday so the OB was closed.  I decided to drive 40 minutes back home to check baby's heartbeat.  After the torturous wait, baby's heartbeat sounded strong and normal to me.  I decided to just keep an eye on the bleeding, hoping that somehow my cervix was just irritated.

The next day, I was really careful to take it easy.  I stayed home from church and stayed in bed until 11am.  I wish it was as relaxing as it sounds haha.  When I got up, I found more blood.  I calmly called the on call OB and explained what was happening.  I was a little more worried now because I could feel some tightening and the blood seemed to be mixed with fluid.  I was afraid of an incompetent cervix- worried that it was creeping open and this baby was going to be born way too early.  After asking me a few questions, the OB said I needed to go over to the ER to be evaluated.  I was pretty calm on the phone, hung up, started to get dressed and tried to stay positive.  I called Kevin, explained the situation, and told him to come home from church to take me to the ER.  He asked "Are you ok?" and just like that, I couldn't control my sobs.  I collapsed on the floor and cried for a long time.  How many times do I have to do this?  How long will it be required for me to worry about my baby's well being while still in the womb?  How long will I have legitimate reasons to worry?

My family came over to watch Jack and we headed to the ER.  Of course it was a Sunday afternoon because this can't ever happen on like a Wednesday.  We waited in the waiting room for three and a half hours- surrounded by people vomiting loudly into little blue bags.  My back was screaming at me- it was just misery.  In an attempt to move things along, they drew my labs and got my IV placed and then sent me back to the waiting room.  So I got to just sit out there with an IV in my arm.  I was really glad I had checked baby's heart before we came so it wasn't quite as torturous.

Smiling through it

When I finally got a bed it was such a relief just to lay down.  I had a killer headache and asked for some fluids, so they gave me some NS in my IV and thankfully it helped just to be hydrated.  I hoped that would stop any unnecessary uterine cramping too.  They did an ultrasound to check for a source of bleeding.  What we found was pretty encouraging.  The amniotic fluid was an appropriate level and the cervix appeared to be closed.  I didn't get very many good looks at baby because they only did a couple quick measurements, but he or she was measuring in the 16th week (and I was 15 weeks 4 days) so that was reassuring.  When they looked at the placenta, they said it was very low lying- only 1cm away from covering the opening to the cervix (yikes.)  They said as my belly grows, it is more likely to pull away from the cervix instead of growing over the top of it.  I hope so, I do not want a C-section.  I wondered if that could be the cause of the extra pressure and bleeding.  They didn't see any SCHs or places where the placenta was pulling away.

My guess was that there's a burst blood vessel on the cervix or something like that- which could cause a sudden loss of fresh blood.  I am on aspirin, which might increase the bleeding slightly.  Still, it's terrifying.  The ER doctor told me to rest and take it easy and follow up with the OB on Wednesday.  By the time I left the ER, the bleeding had stopped.  Kevin filmed the ultrasound, so I was able to watch it when we got home.  I was able to screenshot a few blurry pics of baby from the exam (and from the glimpse I saw, I thought I could maybe see some girl parts....but impossible to tell until we have a tech actually check the gender.) 

legs looking up

 The next day- I had this relief-post-hospital high and felt pretty good.  Until blood showed up again.  It just about broke me.  My heart just needs a little break!  I called the OB again and they said there really wasn't anything else they could do.  Whatever was causing the bleeding to start with was probably not resolved yet.  They told me to rest and I could talk more to the doctor on Wednesday.  It's hard not to get depressed just "taking it easy around the house."  My emotions are fragile and usually the way I avoid depression is by checking a bunch of tasks off a list.  Even though none of that really matters.  One good thing is we were able to move our private ultrasound up one week, so we can thoroughly check on baby this Friday.  In our private ultrasound they'll look at what we want, get us some good pictures, and we can officially find out the gender.  I feel like those things will help Kevin and I deal with the worry and stress.

Belly love.  This is the best therapy

My appointment today went surprisingly well!  I walked in with a pretty bad mood (day 5 of spotting) and left feeling happy.  My doctor was wonderful.  She checked how I was doing because my weight has gone down again.  I told her I really think it's a metabolism thing- and that my thyroid actually functions better when I'm pregnant.  I couldn't lose weight before to save my life- but my metabolism seems to like being pregnant.  I'm eating enough and not vomiting now- so hopefully in the next few weeks I start to gain weight again.  They checked my thyroid levels, so I'm hoping they come back ok.  As far as the bleeding goes, she doesn't think my cervix is the issue at all (which is a relief.)  She thinks that with my placenta being so low and close to the cervix- that it is likely the source of the bleeding.  Pressure or movement can make the placenta bleed pretty easily, and it's close enough to a place where the blood can come out.  I have some restrictions to try and keep the bleeding down, but for now we're ok.  If the bleeding picks up instead of stays the same or gets better, I need to go in and be reevaluated again.  She said usually by the third trimester, the uterus has grown enough that the placenta will pull away from the cervix.  I really don't wait to wait another 12 weeks, so here's to hoping I grow faster than that.  She checked on baby's heart and smiled saying, "This baby sounds really healthy."

I talked to her about all my concerns with taking aspirin up to delivery.  The most important thing is that I keep taking it for now.  I think a lot of my worry is out of fear of stillbirth more than science- but I still wanted to discuss the risks.  She said she was ok with me taking it through delivery and would talk to some people at the hospital to see if that would change anything with an epidural (it usually doesn't I don't think...didn't last time) or if I have an emergency c-section.  I also thought about stopping it closer to delivery- 36 or 38 weeks instead of 34.  I think we'll just keep discussing it as the time gets closer.  She's of the opinion that the aspirin probably won't influence or help too much at the very end with clotting, etc.  Also if I continue bleeding we may have to have another risk vs. benefit conversation about me staying on it.  One week at a time.  That's the only way to do this.

Less than two days until we find out if I'm carrying a sweet baby boy or baby girl!  I'm feeling really excited!  It's a great feeling to be excited, after so much gloom and doom- I can't wait!