Heartbeat

I did not sleep at all last night.  Aside from fighting off a cold, I was tossing and turning and dreaming of ultrasounds.  I was up every hour and I never thought morning would come.  When morning came, I felt super sick to my stomach.  I couldn't tell if it was morning sickness or nerves, but I tried to take it as a good sign.

We made the hour trip to the MFM and sitting in that waiting room was about the most painful experience ever!  Was my baby going to be healthy or not?  Alive or not?  The ultrasound tech surprised me and said she was going to try to just use a belly ultrasound instead of a vaginal one- which I thought was unheard of this early.  She pushed the wand down into my belly, and immediately- there was baby.  I saw him or her right away.  I heard myself gasp because there was that unmistakable flicker- a heartbeat.  She measured the cardiac activity and said every thing was normal- heart rate was 144 (so perfect!)  I think I was in shock.  I didn't cry or gush or anything- I was just totally numb to what was actually happening!  How could this be real?  The babe was measuring 6 weeks and one day, which is exactly where I am- that keeps my due date as December 28th of this year.  Now I really can't wait for Christmas!

The doctor came in to talk to us.  He reminded us that we're "not out of the woods yet" but after such a victory I don't really care.  My family has four heartbeats!  That is the best mother's day present I could ever ask for.

I told myself I would relax once I passed six weeks.  Then I told myself I would relax once we saw a heartbeat.  I am still trying to relax.  I know some anxiety is going to be normal- but I really am doing my best to enjoy it.  I have so much joy knowing there is a live and healthy baby growing right now.  I just need to focus on that day by day, and as time goes on I think I'll accept our risks getting lower. We have worked so hard for this for so many years, I really want to love every minute! I have just under two more weeks until our next ultrasound to check how baby has grown.  I'm trying to plan on everything going perfectly.  I know we have an entire prayer army out there.  I never have to feel alone.

Worth It

my TWO babies!!

If anyone wants to watch Jack's adorable reaction to the news, I'll put the link below.

https://youtu.be/JMihtbEXsRU

I love you all and thank you, truly, from the bottom of my heart, for your support.  You all remind me how wonderful the world really is.  I have to also thank my Heavenly Father- who has been more than patient with me, has taught me so much, and is blessing me with my fondest dream. <3

6 week update

This baby has officially lived longer than all my losses!  We're at 6 weeks today and I have not made it this far without a major problem since my pregnancy with Jack in 2011.  Though I have had some moments that have worried me (because I'm naturally very anxious) we have not had any major problems or red flags to be concerned about.  I'm just trying to breathe calmly through today because tomorrow we will have an ultrasound to check for a beautiful little heartbeat.  If my baby has a heartbeat, our risk of miscarriage drops substantially.  I haven't seen a heartbeat since Jack's first ultrasound.  I have often wondered if I would be privileged to ever experience that moment again.  It still sounds like a fairy tale.  It would be a literal dream come true and I'm praying with my whole soul that we get to celebrate that tomorrow.  May 1st was Bereaved Mother's Day and I spent most of the day thinking about other women I know who have lost children, instead of myself.  I feel like this year has been different so far.  It's a wonderful feeling and I hope to be able to stay positive.

This week has been more relaxing and less dramatic thankfully.  My symptoms for the most part have been reassuring. I've felt changes in my body every day, and I've started to feel sick.  I have crazy vivid dreams and restless sleep just like my first trimester with Jack.  Haha- yay!

I have loved watching how my baby should be growing this week!

Jack has asked me about why I was going to the doctor so often and why I've been doing shots in my tummy every night.  I told him I had some health issues they were trying to help me with and talked to him about blood clots.  He asked, "Are they trying to figure out that baby growing problem?"  I told him yes and he excitedly said, "When they figure out how to help you grow a baby again, I will get to have a little brother or sister and I won't have to play by myself anymore!"  I want to be able to give him that sooo much.  I know how much joy he would have in being a big brother.  If we see a heartbeat tomorrow, we're planning on telling him.  Everyone else in the family (and probably the world) knows and it almost gets spoiled for him daily.  I want to give him this t-shirt, and let him read it and figure it out.  I would love an ultrasound picture to give him with it.

The shots were getting more painful as time went on, but I did my very last one last night!! Such a happy moment.  It has been a trying thing for me.  I tried to be brave about it but I just don't have a high pain threshold and it was getting so painful to move.  As long as everything continues normally I won't have to do any more the rest of the pregnancy! No more shots!!! :D

 On that note of having a sore belly.  I've started to feel that extreme bloat this week.  Maybe it's just because I've been through these beginning hormones so many times, I don't know, but my pants were already getting uncomfortable!  I think I could have handled them just being tight, but they were all pushing against the bruises (even my leggings!) and finally I said screw it, I'll start in maternity pants early.  And what a relief it was!  No more belly pain with pants pushing into my bloated bruised belly! I have some extra around the middle to start with, but I'm surprised how little I'm able to "suck it in" already.  I'm going to look further along than I am.  Just like I did with Jack (people thought I was due to deliver by the time I was 20 weeks with him.)

I love these pants! Comfort at last!  I wish I didn't just look extra chubby but I'm happy to take it!
It was exciting, but a little emotional to shop for these pants in the maternity store.  They wanted me to sign up for coupons that go with your due date (like nursing coupons that show up when you're almost due etc) but I was still too scared to sign up for them.  So many times I've had a formula sample show up with a note that said "congrats on your one week old!" and I would just cry and cry with empty arms.  When I was finished shopping, the girl working smiled and told me "Congratulations!" again and cut me a beautiful carnation from the bouquet at the counter.  She handed it to me and said "Happy Mother's Day!"  I almost cried right there in the mall.  I was so emotional.  Someone gave me a flower and was celebrating the fact that I am pregnant, with no strings attached.  She didn't know my history.  She had no reason to doubt that my baby would be born healthy.  It was so refreshing to feel like my baby was real to someone.  Best mother's day present ever.

I will probably post again after our ultrasound- please keep those wonderful prayers coming!  I need them especially this week!  Thanks for your love and constant reaching out.  I love you all so much!

5 week update

Wow this week has been full of ups and downs.  The only thing that matters however- I'm still pregnant!  No red flags or sign of any problems yet, and we are so thankful and humbled!  Our past few pregnancies we have had reason to worry or be concerned by this point.  We are feeling all of your prayers and seeing God's hand.  I'm also starting to feel more sick in the mornings! Hooray! Haha.

Baby is the size of a sesame seed.  Their brain is developing from the neural tube and at the end of this week their heart should start to beat!  That will be a huge victory for us.

Illustration of 5 weeks gestation.  Isn't it strange to think we all started out like this? 

The concerning part of my week started last Friday, when I seemed to have some sort of weird allergic reaction to my Lovenox injection.  Horrible itchy burning hives everywhere- and the shots were feeling more painful than ever.

It was scary because I'm always concerned the medicine I'm taking may be harming instead of helping the baby.  I didn't want any weird antibodies floating around from some type of a reaction.  The next day the doctor wanted to make sure I wasn't showing any sign of Heparin Induced Thrombocytopenia so they just took a CBC to check everything in my blood.  They took my beta (hCG levels) too.  It was two days earlier than I had anticipated checking them so I was a nervous wreck.  According to normal growth rates, the hCG that day should have been at LEAST around 300.  I had never seen one of my pregnancies get past the rate of 200 before the growth slowed.  So I just couldn't imagine seeing any other number.  It seemed unrealistic.  As much as I tried to stay positive I felt very "doom and gloom" waiting for that number to come back around 160 instead of at least 300.  Then when it came back-  845.

845!  The highest number I had ever seen!!  The relief washed over me. Not only was the growth fantastic, but this baby is already set apart from all the others (aside from Jack.)  Something is working.  I feel like it has a lot to do with the DNA quality.  That's just what makes sense to me.  Keep growing baby!

Yesterday was my MFM (maternal fetal medicine) appointment.  The plan was for me to meet THE expert in Lovenox in pregnancy to bring him on to my case.  It was by far the most difficult and emotional part of my week.  It was an emotional place to be anyway- a women's center in a hospital.  It felt so weird to fill out those forms and realize I've been pregnant every year since 2011- at least for a couple weeks during each year. I told myself 8th time's a charm for baby #2!

Specialists have a reputation for being harsh and having abrasive personalities.  Having experienced this before, I was a bit nervous going into the consult.  At first, I liked him because he was so hard core science.  He didn't talk down to me and actually made the conversation pretty casual (swear words and all haha) so I was thinking we would click together well.  He did think we would have successful pregnancies someday, but then his words got a little rough.  He asked if I had accepted the fact that we would have more losses than live births, now and in the future (obviously, I'm already 6 for 1.)  Then he went on a rant saying, "This will NEVER be as easy for you as your friends, your neighbors, the girl down the street..." blah blah blah.  It felt like he was just trying to make me cry.  I already know this fact there is no reason to be so harsh about it.  He said he understood that I'd lost so many and it was probably "pissing me off."  I just felt like my actual emotions were a joke to him.

He started talking about how he was determined to get some viable tissue for testing from this fetus (you know, if I actually lose it) and I was thinking "Slow down why are we talking about this!  Nothing is wrong yet!"  He reminded me there are exactly ZERO treatments approved by the FDA for treatment of recurrent miscarriage.  I already know the evidence isn't strong so I said "Yeah, I know these are best guesses."  He responded with "I couldn't even call them that- maybe just guesses with no proof."  I tried to prove my point that with the better DNA quality being a reason this baby is growing better.  He said it was "interesting" at best but there were no real studies behind it.  I tried to cite the Reproductive Urologist and what we had learned with actual scientific tests but he just laughed "They don't actually know that."  As if we had been lied to.  I started to feel angry like he was just kicking me while I was down, trying to shred my last bit of hope.  As far as the medications, which is why I came for his opinion, he seemed like he could care less.  He said I could take all of it or none of it and it wouldn't make a difference.  That I couldn't get fixated on the problem being ONE thing because it "never is."  (Except as soon as Kevin has surgery suddenly we're having success while I'm treating all my issues?)  He was from the Old School and basically said no one else knew what they were talking about.  He said I had an obvious medical issue (duh) but that people "make a bigger deal out of MTHFR and thyroid disease than there needs to be."  Because people have those things and have babies all the time.  Maybe that's true, but I DON'T.  Which is why I was there!  He didn't buy the idea of my Deplin prescription for converted folate (which surprised me because I've read the clinical evidence behind it).  I wanted to say, "Excuse me Sir, do you have thyroid disease?"  Maybe if he did, he would realize it is a big deal- to feel exhausted.  To be in your 20s and feel like you're in your 70s.

I get that he's all about hard evidence- and there just isn't much of that in the case of recurrent miscarriage.  But I really felt like I was debating at a medical convention instead of at a consult.  I have a whole new love and appreciation for my wonderful fertility clinic.  My "proof" was totally ignored by the MFM and I left sobbing.  I felt like my baby no longer had a chance- that I had been fooling myself and we would never know why.  I reminded myself that I'm also a spiritual person and I have to do what I feel is right.  I'm this baby's mommy.  I will have intuition that a callous doctor (who even teases doctors in other specialties) will never have.

I walked down to the outpatient lab to get my blood drawn and have my last beta and all my confidence was shattered.  The girl behind me in line was laughing the whole time about how she's pregnant with her 4th and didn't even know until 21 weeks.  She took birth control and hard core exercised the whole time and the baby is still fine.  She laughed, "isn't that the funniest thing you've ever heard, the things we don't even notice!"  I felt so much injustice and despair that she could do nothing, or even everything wrong and get a 4th healthy baby- and no matter what I do, it just isn't working like that.

The office scheduled me for an ultrasound to find baby's heartbeat next week- pending my hCG results.  I made the appointment heavy hearted, thinking they would cancel it when my numbers came back poor.  They made it for next Thursday, which on my calendar is listed as "The National Day of Prayer."  So, perfect.

I decided if the numbers were good, I would finish the last 7 injections I have and then switch back to only aspirin (thank heavens) since I still have no clinical indication for Lovenox.  I've never had a blood clot.  The doctor said that was fine.  Why did I even see him if I just decided what to do with no advice anyway??  In four studies, Lovenox never reduced miscarriage rates (only clots in at-risk moms) so I feel ok about it.  I only did aspirin with Jack.

Waiting hours for those hCG results was painful and included lots of crying.  I just let that doctor get in my head.  We wanted to see numbers at least between 1800-2000 (which again seemed impossible since it's ten times higher than what we've ever seen.)

They came back, 3517!!!! I about hit the floor.  Miracles are happening.  This baby is healthy thus far.

Isn't this the most beautiful graph you've ever seen?!

 So, with these numbers I don't have to do any more beta tests!  Oh they are just the worst!  So I'll have one ultrasound with the MFM next week to check for a heartbeat (he's the only one the insurance will cover this early.)  If the heartbeat is good and baby looks viable, I'll have my 8 week ultrasound with my regular OB.  The joy of being able to go to a regular OB office after all these years would be indescribable!!

Your prayers are felt and we are so thankful to all of you for your love and concern!  We're praying for this baby's heart to develop properly and that we'll be able to see it fluttering away beautifully next week!

We haven't told Jack Jack yet, even though he knows we've lost others. I'm afraid a loss in present tense would break his heart.  But if we see that heartbeat, we are planning on telling him that he's going to be a big brother next week! I've been waiting for this moment for so long!!

4 week update

I have been astounded with how many of you have reached out to us!  It is such an amazing feeling to know that hundreds of people are praying for you- family, friends, and friends of friends.  This has been such a humbling experience to see so many people with empathy reach out in love and concern every single day.  I have been checked on day and night and have been offered every comfort.  There are so many amazing people in my life- how have I been so blessed?  I know that God shows us His hand and His work through difficult times and one miracle I have seen so far is to know that people literally all around the world, are praying for my baby.  As my best friend said, "Your baby is already the most loved being on the entire planet."  I have felt that even so early in this pregnancy, this baby has brought so many together in faith.  What an amazing experience to be a mother to a baby like this.

perfect gift from my sister

We have made it to the four week mark- which is obviously still very early (baby is the size of a poppy seed) but we celebrate every milestone around here!  The good news is we have passed the chemical pregnancy phase- which is basically when you find out you're pregnant before you miss your period, but then get your period anyway because something went wrong in the very beginning.

I can only hope that next week I have a happy 5 week update.  The next two weeks are the most terrifying for me.  All of my losses have been before the official 6 week mark.  Some, only a day or two before six weeks, others I lost between week 4 and 5.  So, naturally, I feel like I am walking on eggshells all the time this week and most likely over analyze every symptom.  I have had symptoms that at times are really strong, and other times they are totally absent. I know this is normal so early, but it is always nerve racking.  I am afraid every time I start to get back pain, because most of my losses began with extreme lower back pain.  But I have chronic back issues anyway, so I'm trying to ignore it when it happens.  Every time I use the bathroom I'm afraid to see blood or spotting.  That kind of anxiety isn't easy but I'm getting through it easier than in past pregnancies. I can feel your prayers!

The best news is that, thus far, tracking baby's growth with hormones in my blood have shown very good results.  We wanted growth to double between Saturday and Monday, but the growth went up five times the amount!  It was very reassuring, but other babies of ours have started the same way, so really this upcoming week is the most critical one.  I'm trying to tell myself that every baby starts out the same, so I can't expect too much too soon.  We've made the difficult choice to not continue monitoring the blood through this week because of how stressful it is to pour over numbers every other day, when even little variations can make us feel like hope is lost.  I feel like in a week's time, testing the numbers will give us the most accurate result of where we are at.  But it is very hard to wait.  Part of me thinks if we just tested every other day and the results were fantastic, I would be more at peace.  That's a hard choice to make, but Kevin is very opposed to continuing the draws so that helped me with the decision.  I'm just counting on symptoms to reassure me through this week.

The only "bad news" from this week is to find that my thyroid dipped down low really fast.  Since I have an autoimmune thyroid disease, that is likely to happen anyway, but especially in pregnancy.  It's scary because if the thyroid gets too low, it can risk the baby.  I've already started a higher dose of medication and I'm trying to put it in God's hands.  The injections have been hard to do- they are really painful for me and always make me emotional.  I dread it every night.  Some of those raw, angry feelings come out, like why do I have to do this every night?!  Mostly because they are a precaution and we don't know if they are actually helping anything- but it's too risky to not do them.  I'll stop complaining if baby keeps growing :)  Sometimes I'm even worried that the injections are doing harm if they aren't really necessary.  I'm sure when we are finished having kids they will have this medication in a pill form. ;)

Thank you all for the texts and messages and the "just checking in" sentiments.  Just to know that my baby and I are in the thoughts and prayers of so many is very comforting to me.  I love you all so much.  Keep praying!  I'm hoping to post again with good news in a week!

Christmas Baby

Our very own Christmas miracle is in the making!  I see absolutely no point in keeping it a secret until later.

We have a baby due December 28th of this year.  It's still sinking in.  I'm only in my third week of pregnancy (they have me test early) and I had it confirmed with blood work yesterday.  It's always scary this early- but this is part of the journey so I'm writing about it despite the risks.

How am I feeling?  I'm overjoyed.  I'm terrified.  I'm hopeful.  I'm desperate.  I'm doubting.  All of the feelings.  I'm living in constant suspense.  But- I have the best friends and family members.  I have been met with nothing but optimism, support, love, and prayers.  How could I ask for more?

Everything looks good so far in the blood work- it's so early that everything is just barely getting started, but since numbers and hormones are where they should be at this point, I'm happy.  I just don't want that to change!  If we can get through the next couple of weeks and see a strong heartbeat I know I will breathe easier.

I have so much more hope for this baby than I have had in a long time because Kevin's DNA results were so promising.  But there's only so much I can do to keep all those old feelings from flooding back from my last 6 pregnancies.  It's just the way I expect things to go.  I hardly remember the start of my pregnancy with Jack compared with all the interventions from the start of my others.  I was in line at the grocery store, and the woman ahead of me looked to be 7 or 8 months pregnant.  And I felt like my pregnancy wasn't as real as hers.  Like it didn't count the same.  In moments like that, defeat and sorrow suddenly overtake me.  I take a deep breath and try to push it away.  I say to myself, "You and me baby.  We got this."  I keep telling the baby that so they know to keep growing. Set the bar high early ;)

I'm trying not to be too hard on myself- it's going to feel how it's going to feel.  I can only do the best I can.  This is not something that anyone can do alone.  I have been praying nonstop- and I'm trying to not make my prayers just sound like begging.

It wouldn't just be our miracle- it would be our whole family's.  And our friends.  Anyone who has thought about us, prayed for us, read my blog.  It would be a way that God can manifest his miracles to everyone who follows our story.  But it would also be my miracle.  To be a mother to a rainbow baby and to be able to look at their eyes every day and KNOW that God loves me and gave me the greatest gift and desire of my heart.

I hope I don't embarrass my friends but I just have to say- the people in my life are so comforting and know just what to say.  I'm so uplifted and inspired by my friends.  I have to record some of the lovely things I've been told- they are so comforting to me in times of doubt.

One friend told me, "...You have fought harder for your children than anyone I know to have your children here.  They have seen that their mom is their biggest fighter and advocate and I imagine they are quite anxious to be with you.  A lot of people would have given up by now but you have done literally everything to give your kids a chance.  Your kids on the other side have no doubt in their minds that their mom loves them, wants them, and will do everything for them."

Another friend was sharing how when she got pregnant after a loss, she felt the adversary working to make her feel like there was not a person inside of her- to keep her from feeling happy and in love with the child.  Then she said, "But God gave me this child to carry for now, and as long as it was mine I needed to love it and care for it...I was keeping myself from being happy...I will pray for you and Kevin to be happy no matter how long God has given you this treasure to hold!"

Also my brother gave me a beautiful priesthood blessing, which helps me keep everything in perspective and reminded me how much my Heavenly Father loves me and is proud of my perseverance.

I could not ask for a better support system.

These next few weeks are terrifying- but I'm trying my best to let faith conquer fear.  Thank you for your love and prayers and astounding optimism for us.

"takin' shots"

hahaha I captured Kevin's actual reaction before he put the shot in my belly- he didn't know I was taking a pic. Haha!!

Prayers for a "sticky bean" as they call it in the infertility world

Happy Tears

Crying. For three and a half years I have been crying. At the shock of my first loss. The devastation of my second. The crushing hopelessness of my third. The depressing never-ending months when I forced myself to wait to try again. The bitter sorrow of my fourth loss. The year following it, in which I tried to distract myself in any way possible-but often lost the battle to sudden and intense outbursts. I cried as my confidence was snatched away as we had our fifth loss, when we had felt SO sure we had found our cure. The pregnancy after that was somewhat unexpected and so we thought it a MUST be our miracle. That hope fell flat with our sixth loss. Our hearts were ripped out and shredded right in front of us, leaving us wondering what do we do with what remains.  What could we possibly do? And so I cried.

For another year I kept my collective sorrow and grief tucked away, just slightly behind my eyes, ready to burst out and make a scene in public at the worst possible moments. So many times in this journey I have been brought to tears.  The injections I was too afraid to administer at home. Every time I thought, "I'm not cut out for this." I cried on the way to every appointment with every specialist, and usually on the way home too. At the bills that came and costs of treatments that didn't work.  At every baby shower invitation. In my car- trying to get the guts to walk up the stairs to my first grief counseling session. Waiting in agony after every blood draw to see how my baby was growing. Every due date that passed with empty arms. Every time my son asks for a baby brother to play astronauts with. I've begged, I've been angry, I've felt slowly crushed to death by depression, and suffocated with anxiety. And I've cried. And cried and cried and cried.  

Today, once again, I am crying. But for the first time in so long, I am feeling the tears of joy run down my face. What a welcome difference, what sweet relief. Tears of joy. 

Kevin's final post-surgical results are in. The DNA he is carrying is normal. Normal. The most beautiful word I've ever heard. I know my tears will continue to fall in abundance. But I pray and I hope with more than I am, that they will continue to be tears of joy. Because I just can't give up.  

I don't know how to thank God enough.  This surgery very easily could have changed nothing.  Honestly even the fertility clinic wasn't even sure what to make of all this.  We have been so blessed.  

I feel heard.  I feel loved.  All I have to do is look at the differences in these three results to see God's hand.  It is a miracle.

 

2/18/15

12/17/15

3/18/16


Or in other words, this year has brought us these results:
.

Ten Months Later...

Three Months After That...

HOORAY FOR NORMAL!!

Countdown to Our Rainbow

What a beautiful thought- our very own rainbow baby.




For those of you unfamiliar with the term, I'll let the wonderful all-knowing internet define it for you:

A “rainbow baby” is a baby that is born following a miscarriage, stillbirth, neonatal death or infant loss. In the real world, a beautiful and bright rainbow follows a storm and gives hope of things getting better. The rainbow is more appreciated having just experienced the storm in comparison.

Next week, we should receive the results of Kevin's final post-op ASR. Those results will tell us if the amount of fragmented DNA he carries has improved again into the "normal" range or if he has continued to stay in that "borderline" category. Still, the borderline area is a great place to be considering how far abnormal he was last year. Basically, our chances are either going to be good, or better. That is welcome news! Which means, either way, it's time to try again. It has been a long, drawn out year, full of waiting of every kind since our 6th loss.

For the first time in a long time, we have real hope that we've fixed the major cause of all our losses. It might just be that our doctors were so focused on all of my contributing risk factors, that we missed the actual cause all along. Still, I'm grateful for the journey because we now are able to treat all of my risk factors too.

Real hope is a beautiful, uplifting, exciting, and terrifying thing. That joy we're starting to feel just imagining a light at the end of this tunnel is deathly afraid of reality creeping in the corner- reminding us of our "statistical chances." Fortunately and unfortunately, it is completely out of our hands and we get to turn it over to God and hope He chooses to bless our best efforts. We have given our all every step of this journey. And more. I have given more than I even knew I had in me.



I love my support groups because I can post something like this and drown in the support and love given back immediately.

Ovulation should be in about three weeks. I'm so impatient and also so scared for it to actually happen. Sorry if any of that is TMI- but fertility blogs tend to have a lot of that! Conceiving becomes so clinical sometimes it's easy to forget it makes people uncomfortable! Haha!

I can take all of these medications faithfully and do everything right- but I know I have no actual control of the end result. I’ve learned the key is just accepting it, and doing your best in spite of that fact.

What a roller coaster of emotions I have been experiencing this month! I'm no longer taking any medications for sleep, anxiety, or depression. Since my anxiety has been mounting it has been difficult to even get out of bed most days. I'm without that help my body has been used to. But I'm finding the strength to do it. I actually thought I was going crazy because I've been feeling these horrible "electrical surges" going through my head all day every day. I didn't even know how to look it up or if I needed to ask a doctor about it. Turns out it's a real thing. Brain zaps. Yep. Side effect of quitting the meds. That's been fun. I keep telling myself they won't last much longer. The nausea and aches were unbearable the first week but they have finally started to subside.

Hooray I'm not crazy!

I wish I could explain the immense amount of stress that comes just thinking of going through a pregnancy again. But I also know I am not ready to give up and I have to fight through that fear. The best analogy I can explain it with is imagining your child is in the PICU after an accident- and you're forced to wait for weeks- not knowing if they will live or die. Even though it’s NOT the same, this is the closest I can come to describing the feeling as a mother, carrying life, and not knowing if they will survive. It is all consuming all the time, no matter how much you try to talk yourself out of it. So when I’ve been told not to stress, because it hurts the baby, it just makes me feel guilty, because not feeling stress in that situation is actually impossible. But I do my best.

I've been working really hard to keep my "triggers" under control, and to breathe through them when they happen. Just for funsies I looked up birth rates per capita and wouldn't you know it, Provo has the HIGHEST birth rate in the entire country. Hahahahah. Of course it does. It didn't surprise me at all. The irony is fantastic. The birth rate is obviously explained with the huge concentration of a Mormon population in the area. The church has a huge focus on families, and large families have always been a part of Mormon culture. It's not something I'm ashamed of- it's something I love. I love when I'm surrounded by big families. Since I'm from a blended family, I'm one of ten kids, and there is nothing better. It's just a tradition I wish I could be a part of. When Kevin and I got married we imagined six kids, and at LEAST four. It's no surprise that life doesn't go as planned- but Provo is a hard place to live if you are dealing with recurrent loss. Reminders are literally everywhere as the community tailors to the needs of so many mothers with young children. Again, not a bad thing. Just a hard thing to escape when I need to.

I felt God's love and comfort when I found this song:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jQJX4QWO74I

This fitting tribute reminded me that even if this next little one doesn’t make it- that God holds them in a perfect place. They are in His hands- we are all in His hands. He will carry us through this.

Once we are pregnant- I know my whole job will be keeping baby alive, whatever it takes. So I'll have to cut myself some slack in all other areas of my life. My next baby deserves to be loved and celebrated, no matter how long I get to keep them. Perhaps even more so because we don’t know how much time we’ll have together. Our hearts are broken and humble, and our fingers are crossed. I hope that within a couple months I'll be sharing the news that a rainbow is on the way to our family.