Healing the Fertile Heart

I decided to focus this post on healing (because Heaven knows that’s what we all need in life.)  As I’ve put material together for this concept I’ve realized that I personally have been going through the healing process for two major issues: mourning, and fertility of the heart.

It’s an interesting phrase “fertility of the heart” but I found a quotation on the subject so beautiful I had to share it:

“When God made woman, He made her to bring forth new life. Yes, He made her to birth children, but when God made woman, He made her heart fertile as well. It is in the heart of a woman that dreams and visions are born. It is in a woman’s heart that she makes plans for a future. I might dare say that the soft ground of a woman’s heart is the most fertile thing about her.”

“Hope After Miscarriage” -scissortailsilk.com

I have lots of thoughts from outside sources in this post, because I’ve read so many things lately that have really spoken to me.  I do need to read my scriptures more, but I am thankful to find peace in many sources of good reading in my life.  The concept presented in that beautiful paragraph of “fertility of the heart” resonated so strongly with me.  Not only am I mourning my losses; I am learning to heal and live even with the ache of infertility in my heart.  Infertility is not the only thing that hurts us; I read a blog post this week about the “ache.”  It was written by a woman who had three children and won’t be having any more.  She spoke of the ache that women have when they are done having children- whether it be for health reasons or even just menopause.  No matter how old you are, she said, it’s always sad and there is always an ache.  It seems our emotions truly were designed with a desire for children.  

It’s important to recognize the hurt so that we can begin to heal.  I read some wise words regarding healing that I wanted to share.  They are honest and to the point, and I think it’s important to remember that healing hurts so that we don’t feel discouraged going through the pain:

I have learned that healing hurts. Life hurts. Healing really only begins when we face the hurt in its full force and then grow through it with all the strength of our soul. For every reward of learning and growing, some degree of pain is always the price.

To begin healing, you must acknowledge and feel the hurt. Healing is active. It requires all the energy of your entire being. You have to be there, fully awake, aware, and participating when it happens.

When we have a terrible loss or pain, we may seek to “get back to normal” or to the way things were before, but they will never be the same. Pain changes us, but not in the same way that healing teaches us. Healing can help us to become more sensitive and more awake to life. Healing inspires repentance and obedience. Healing invites gifts of humility and faith. It opens our hearts to the profound complexities of truth, beauty, divinity, and grace.

“Learning the Healer’s Art” –Elaine Marshall

Can the concept of healing be put any more beautifully and accurately?  It has been on my mind recently that we can never use our own experiences to discredit anyone else’s pain, no matter how different the circumstances are.  We can only use our own experiences to help us mourn with those that mourn and try to aid them.  I don’t like when people do it to me, and so I’ve learned to watch my mouth in hopes that I don’t do it to anyone else.  Pain is pain, and the healing process is different for every person.  Discrediting their pain will not make ours subside at all, but helping others will heal us too.  

Sometimes our faith feels overshadowed by what our reality is around us.  Allow me to elaborate on why I felt like this recently.

In the past four months: I have lost a baby.  My fourth loss in a row.  My sister in law lost a baby. Three of my friends who are very dear to me lost babies.  For one of those friends, it was her second loss in a row.  One of my long time best friends almost lost her baby, but he survived with interventions.  A few months later they found out he has Spina Bifida.  She now has to travel several states away for an extremely specialized surgery while pregnant in hopes to give him the most normal life possible. A very close friend got a hold of me in the middle of the night, just recently, worried because she was bleeding early in her first trimester.  She was unsure if she would keep the baby through the night.  Especially because she miscarried her last baby (fortunately everything is fine now.) 

These are not just people I have met or stories I heard.  These are my friends and family.  The people closest to me.  When I hear of their heartache, my own despair sets in.  I stop believing in the idea of healthy babies- it just doesn't seem like a reality in my world sometimes.  I suppose it should make me comforted that I'm "not alone."  But losing children (or the hopes of future children) always feels lonely.  Because they are yours.  They aren't your friends' or even your family's children.  Not really.  They are yours.  No one is actually in the same circumstance as me, nor am I in the same circumstances as them.  However, what we do have in common is deep heartache and fear, and so, we need to learn to care for each other and find joy in our lives.  It still hits me hard though, every time I find out something else has happened to someone I am close to.  This past year has been unbelievable. How are any of us born alive? How are any of us born alive and HEALTHY??

I wish my faith was just a little stronger at times like this.  All the reminders trigger all of the horrible emotions I am fighting to get rid of.  There's only so much I can take before the skepticism and bad attitude sets in.  The bad attitude that causes bad reactions.  When someone tells you, "Didn't you hear that so-and-so just had a beautiful healthy baby?  5th child! And also the other-so-and-so, twins!" And you smile and nod but inside you just think "Yeah it's great to watch everyone else's dreams come true.  Thanks."  I know it's a bad attitude- I know it's full of fallacies.  It's ungrateful and narrow minded.  I know.  But it's still there. It doesn't really matter what circumstances are in your life- what matters is how you feel each day.  So when you feel miserable despite decent circumstances it makes it worse.  

Just when I was in the pit of despair, I had someone write me and tell me how much my experiences meant to them and that I had their full support.  Most of the letter was very personal.  It was spiritually reassuring to me.  In the letter, she said, “I just had this overwhelming feeling that I should tell you that you have support and prayers, that in your being open about your life you saved my friends life after she lost her baby.”  I felt so humbled.  I don't actually take credit for saving anyone's life, but I am so thankful to get some reassurance that I did in fact feel inspired to write this blog, and maybe in the long run, there are reasons for these trials after all.  Even in our heartache, helping others in any capacity we can will bring us peace.  I have learned so much by writing this blog.  I’ve learned about myself, and about the experiences of others who share.    

If I remembered more often how much Heavenly Father loves us, I think I would be happier.  As a teenager, I wrote in my journals probably an average of 2 hours a day.  It was really to the point of obsessive.  Yes, I got some good stories down, and yes I kind of want to burn them.  However, I really got comfortable with myself and my emotions, and I learned how to write about them freely.  I don’t want to overemphasize the importance or “far-reaching-effect” of this blog, but I feel that journaling may have been a big preparation for me to be able to write this blog- even if it was to connect with one person.  I've found people through it who have helped me, and I've been blessed to receive notice that my writings have helped some others too. 

It's not always easy to be open on the blog about the darker feelings and the sadness, and depression because every time I write about it, I feel like that part should be done already.  I feel like I should be stronger, and happier.  But I feel it is more important is to be honest.  Because if someone else is going through something and they need to know that it is ok, and normal.  That it’s going to be ok in the end, and it’s worth it.  If we can find strength in each other, it is worth it.  I'm sure not going to take all this time to document the things I have experienced just to sugar coat or tell white lies about how it really is.  I am trying to give an honest account.  I want to be honest with myself.  Honest for anyone who the blog may somehow, by the grace of God, be a help to.  It is difficult to watch the page view stats rise (almost to 3000 now!) and not feel judged in a bad way, but I put it out there because I feel that I'm called to do it.  I'm thankful for the healing I've found in it and the strength that writing with honesty has brought me. 

God does indeed have the power to save life.  So fundamental a concept- but seems "overruled" by what we feel is reality.  We read in the Bible of Christ raising the dead.  Surely, according to His will, He can save a little life inside my womb.  That is reality just as anything else is.

I do wish I felt excitement for life when I woke up in the morning, or at least jumped up for the chaos of the day.  Most of the time I feel very sad when I wake up in the mornings, and somewhat dread the day ahead of me. But I'm getting better, and I want to keep improving.  Jack is absolutely the light of my life.  My husband is a kind and loving support who I depend on 100% in my struggle.  I’m spending too much time feeling sorry for myself and feeling angry and discouraged when I should be focusing on how I can use this to improve my life, and more importantly, help other people.  Helping others heals so much of our hurt.  When we know we make a difference in the life of someone else, it feels like our own worries literally shrink away.  Why don’t I make more of an effort to really help someone’s wellbeing? 

What I’ve learned about healing is that helplessness is most painful of all.  It’s hard to give up control.  In some ways, I just wish there was some drastic treatment or experimental surgery I could do to try and save my babies.  It feels horrible to be totally helpless even when we know they aren’t growing properly and seemingly clueless as to how to help.  I just sit there and let the life die inside of me.  The thought of getting pregnant doesn’t sound exciting like it used to, because now it literally just sounds like death.  Sorrow.  Longing.  Mourning.  Never getting to name them.  Never experiencing the joy of holding your newborn.  Never introducing Jack as a big brother.  Four times those hopes have been crushed and the agony of even dreaming is too much anymore.  

Fortunately I sometimes glimpse what life is like without the bitterness.  The friend I mentioned earlier (who was bleeding) she’s not just a close friend, or even a best friend.  In almost every way she is my sister.  When I am continually trying to move on with my life, I deal with putting aside jealousy, bitterness, and depression every time I’m around a pregnancy at all.  Regardless of who that person is.  In that moment when she told me she was bleeding, every ounce of bitterness faded, and turned to anxiety and panic as if it were my own baby.  I couldn’t sleep.  I was praying for a miracle.  I would never wish recurrent miscarriage on anyone, but I especially don’t want my friends or family to suffer through it.  That baby is family to me.  Even though it hurts to wait on your own dreams, in the moment of worry I always want the dreams of others to come true.  That gives me some hope for myself.  Perhaps bitterness won’t overcome me after all.  I am so thankful that the baby is alive and everything is ok as of now.  I have a little picture of him or her on my phone- tiny with a new beating heart.  The child is a miracle and I plead for its life as I would plead for my own child.  I am learning empathy. 

We’re learning to make our goal of having another child a “long term goal” instead of a short term one.

I took another step forward this week.  My friend asked me if I could give most of Jack’s old clothes to her friend who was having twin boys (their first child was a girl so they were in need.)  Even though I don’t know this person, I didn’t feel the normal bitterness towards her.  I actually felt excited to help.  It’s been a secret heartache to have so many totes of infant items in storage.  It makes me sad to see them or move them.  I wonder if there is a point to hang on to all of it after all the losses we’ve had.  I decided to hold on to a handful of my favorites and clear out the rest.  Maybe I will be able to move on a little easier.  If we have another healthy baby in the future, our celebration will be so great that I don’t care if we had to buy all new things.  It wouldn’t matter at all.  This is an important step forward for me.  Helping others with excitement instead of hiding in my own pain.  I haven’t actually gone through the boxes yet so it may be harder than I know, but I will get through it and it will be healthy progress. 

“Do we dare hope for you, little one?
Do we dare dream of you, sweet baby?
Do we dare wish that we’ll hold you in our arms one day?
You are wanted.
You are loved.
And so we wait.
We wait and wish and pray.
Until you are ours someday.”

-Poem from “Souls on Ice”

One Month Later and Thoughts on Embryo Adoption

I wrote a post last year called "Contrast" and once again that is how my life has felt lately.  I have found enlightenment, understanding, and peace in some ways.  In other ways, I’m still in a very dark place as I continue to mourn and ride the emotional roller coaster that is post-pregnancy hormones combined with new birth control hormones.  I have found myself writing thoughts that are in very great contrast to one another throughout the week.  Sometimes I feel inspired, other times I feel hopeless.

I was talking to a friend about how I'm tired of feeling depressed because I have a good life but I feel trapped in my own head like I can't enjoy it anymore and that is so frustrating.   She told me lots of good things to remember but the one that stuck out most was "Just know that it's ok.  It's ok to feel the way you do, and it won't last."  It was just so nice to feel loved and validated with no judgment at all.  Honestly I've been kind of ashamed of myself that I can't get it together but just being told it was "ok" made a lot of difference for me.  Because I feel like I should expect more from myself.  Sometimes I feel like I'm just making excuses and that I’m too lazy to work on feeling happier.  But I guess sometimes life doesn't work like that.  Life is never going to be picture perfect, so I'd better learn to be happy in the mundane days and feel joy even in the hard times.  

Crying yourself to sleep night after night is really hard- hormones are ridiculous.  The worst part is I keep thinking if I'm more productive or if we do something fun during the day, that the sadness will go away.  But it doesn't.  We did four loads of laundry, which felt like a big accomplishment for someone exhausted with no motivation.  When it was all folded and put away, and I finished my school chapter, I sat down expecting to enjoy the night.  I deserved it after all.  I had been productive.  But I just cried instead.  And that hurt seemed to get stronger and stronger as I realized that getting back to normal life might not make the sadness go away.  It's like I'm watching my life through a curtain- I see all the good and happy things in it, but my mind won't let me out to experience the happiness and actually feel it.  I only observe it without really participating and it makes me feel like a prisoner to my own mind.  I don't know what to consider "recovery" from an event like this.  I hope that it would include energy and lack of headaches.  I hope the fatigue goes away, and I hope to find motivation to stay busy and laugh every day.

I think the hardest days I have are the days I try to figure it all out by myself.  Because when it comes down to it, the thought of us having another live birth doesn't seem very realistic.  That's where it hurts the most.  All I can do is count on a miracle for more children.  Whether that miracle will come through pregnancy or some type of adoption in the future we won't know until we get there- but either way it will be a miracle.  So the question I have to ask myself is "Do you trust Heavenly Father?"  If I trust Him, I trust that He has a loving plan for my family.  If Kevin and I having more children is in His plan, it will happen.  Simple as that.  I have to trust Him that things will work out how and when they are supposed to.  I'm not supposed to figure it out all alone, because I already know that doesn't work. I don't have the power to bring a baby into the world without divine intervention.  So I need to trust Him, trust that He loves us, have patience, and trust His plan for us if I want to be happy.

I think this miscarriage has been most devastating of all, and the most difficult to recover from.  After 4 times in a row we now realize how unlikely it is that our next pregnancy will result in a live birth, or the one after that, or the one after that.  With the other losses I always had the "hope for the next one" that I clung to fiercely.  Now I'm trying to learn to cope with a new reality, understanding that short of a miracle, that won't be the case.  That it may be many years before that dream is realized.  That we may end up doing IVF or other extreme procedures.  That we may end up adopting someday.  After you have your first child with no problem, it's quite a paradigm shift.  It's a scary and uncertain world we are going to be in. The world of infertility.  It's getting to the point where I am really accepting that I don't really know how many years it's going to be.  And acceptance is the first step- to healing, to a stronger faith, to patience, and to appreciating our great blessings.  I've felt like this trial has defined me for a long time- when I look at a picture of myself or a picture of me with my family all I see is the label "recurrent miscarriage" or "secondary infertility" and I'm really working to get past that right now- because my life is so much more than that, and,  I am so much more than that.  I'm learning to have faith and trust the spirit that our next child will come to us somehow, someday.  Our answer to those questions will be a peaceful reassuring feeling of love, and that's how we will know what to do.

Now that it’s been a month, it hurts much more in a way.  The world has already moved on- it’s not really "a thing" anymore.  Once the shock and drama wears off, here I am once again, empty.  Now that a month has passed it hits me all over again- that baby is gone.  Like it never happened.  The agony that reality brings is unbearable.  I cry hysterically and feel like a lost cause because I just don’t seem to be getting better this time.  I seem to be more angry, more heartbroken, and much more distant than I was before.  It’s a very lonely time, filled with self-loathing as you find yourself snapping at those who you care about more than anyone in the world.  I want to like myself enough to want to start exercising again.  To this point though, all I’ve found is extra weight and no motivation.  It’s just a spiral downward some nights, and others I climb back up a little, only to fall further the next night.  I’ve never been so torn between finding so much light and goodness, and finding so much sorrow and despair.  I want a more balanced life.  The hardest nights are when you’ve tried everything you know how and it still doesn’t touch the pain.  Talking, not talking, going out, staying  in, religion, distraction, whatever.  Yet, here you are in the middle of the night shaking from emotional pain.  Grief, loss, anger, self-loathing, depression, embarrassment even.  So I talk to my computer, and I write this blog, and for some reason, that is the only thing that takes the sting out of it for a little while. 

I feel like my life needs a big change, but I’m not sure what, or how to do it.  I’ve tried to work on my normal “goals”- more sleep, keep the house cleaner, eat better, more exercise, more scripture reading, less TV, do more activities with Jack, etc.  It’s just not really working because when I feel like this I don’t work hard enough on my goals.  You hear parents say all the time that their child is the light of their life.  I really mean that, especially now.  At the darker times in my life, Jack really does light up that sadness and brings me joy.  Kevin is amazingly patient and kind, trying to coach me through breathing in my hysterics so I don’t hyperventilate (as often at least) and all I can get out in words is “I’m so unhappy.”  I would go back and add to that “And I don’t know why.”  Because in my mess of emotions I really don’t know what I feel , aside from embarrassment.  I know I feel embarrassed when I have these breakdowns.   

Somewhere in the back of my mind, I still believe that one of our pregnancies will be amazingly normal and successful for no particular reason, just like Jack.  I hope that is faith showing through and not unrealistic expectations. I've learned something wonderful about family through all of this.  One of the reasons we have family is that it is bigger than ourselves.  When I am with my family, I can honestly laugh and have a real smile.  My pain goes away for a bit and I remember that I'm loved and part of something wonderful.

I want to take some time to write about a book I just finished.  

Souls on Ice- what a beautiful book.  I'm not sure if we would ever consider embryo adoption simply because we don't know if our embryo quality is the reason for our losses.  At this time it seems to have more to do with the environment my body creates- whether that be micro clotting in the placenta, poor attachment, thyroid issues, blood issues, etc.  Regardless, this book is a blessing.  It tells of amazing parents and their faith through heartbreak and their experiences of miracles.  It is so validating to read of the pain of these couples.  It pierces my heart because I really know how they feel as they describe their sorrow.  Sometimes it is infertility alone, and sometimes it comes with the sorrow of miscarriage after miscarriage.  It is comforting to know I'm not alone, yet I wonder why this is our trial.  I was always afraid of infertility, yet here it is.  I take joy in my beautiful boy and am thrilled and saddened simultaneously to think he has just started preschool.  I wish I had fully understood the magnitude of the miracle that was his birth.  But I know the miracle of his life now- so I won't waste more time mourning and wishing I could hold him again as a newborn and know how long it would be before that would be a possibility for me again.  To know I had the experience is a beautiful blessing and I pray with all sincerity for another chance at it someday.  And though I know that adoption/ embryo adoption are beautiful and wonderful ways to create a family, I am thankful to have a child that is our own- that he looks like his daddy and has my hair color (well, my natural one.)  Though it is not necessarily a better way to have a family, it is certainly a blessing from God.  Love makes a family- but I know now how blessed I am to have a biological child that I was able to have a normal vaginal delivery with.  I'm so thankful I will always have the experience with me. I still can't believe we have him.  He was born 6 weeks before our first anniversary.  How is it even possible?  My very first pregnancy and relatively no problems?  He is the definition of a miracle.   

A few more of my thoughts on embryo adoption.   The beauty of these stories overwhelms me.  As I read the experiences of these couples and stare at these pictures of beautiful, happy, breathing and thriving babies it is affirmed to me that life begins at conception.  The potential for human life lies within each embryo, and though we cannot control the outcome we should have the utmost respect and love for these two celled beings.  There is a sense of holiness about them.  These pictures of these children amaze me.  They were two cells frozen for up to ten years- but because their parents loved them before they were born- they gave them a chance at life.  Those specific children may not have existed otherwise- they may have been thrown away or donated to science.  But they were born, to families that they were meant to be a part of.  That affirms to me that God not only has a plan for each of us, His living children, but for each embryo that comes into existence.  He knows who we are, who we will be, and where we belong.  Though the heartbreak may span through years, if we trust Him we can see His miracles and His care for each tiny life.  He loves us so much.  I need to trust Him more that He sees the end from the beginning and that He knows how our children will come to us and who they are.  He knows how and when they will come.  More importantly, He knows the reasons why timing doesn't always work the way we expect it to.  There are reasons.  I have to believe there are reasons. 

The other observation I’ve had while reading these accounts of embryo adoption, is that of strong faith in infertile families.  It seemed every story revolved around a couple that was so dedicated to God that He was in every thought they had.  I feel like often, couples who have the strongest faith are chosen for this trial because without strong faith it would absolutely break you.  In a way, I feel as though I should feel privileged to have such a burden because it seems that God knows I can trust Him and find that faith within myself.  It’s like He’s saying “You can do this too- like these amazing faithful people you look up to.  I know you can do it.”  My hematologist once told me that God’s plan is never clearer to him than to see a faithful, able, and willing couple struggle to have a child.  He explained that there is so obviously a precise plan for the families in these situations. 

This book has been such a blessing to me.  It’s strengthened my faith and helped me feel the Spirit.  It has reminded me that God has a plan for us, and that He does provide miracles, even daily miracles.  I have felt so validated in my sorrow as I have read accounts of parents who have been through all kinds of different situations with similar heartache.  Embryo adoption is about finding love as a human family for each being, and taking care of our own.  We connect family to family and person to person, and through these kinds of trials we find love for each individual child of God.  I wonder what God would want more with frozen embryos whose biological parents can no longer, for whatever reason, give them a chance at life?  What else besides adoption could show as much reverence and love for these tiny beings at the very start of life?  The pictures of these little “snowflake babies” were some of the most beautiful pictures I’ve ever seen.  It is unbelievable.  From the outside it doesn’t seem like the most conventional way to have a baby, but God works in mysterious ways and can bring about His work in unbelievable, unimaginable ways.  All stories I’ve heard of adoption, whether it be domestic or embryo, had such key timing that the hand of God was very obvious.  I know that when we have another child that our love for them will be stronger because of our trials, and the miracle of their birth will be so clearly guided by heaven.  I already see my miracle son in a different way than I did last year.  I am so lucky to spend all my time with him, and to be able to raise such a sweet and talented person. 

When we ask whose child we are, genetically, or by adoptive birth mom, or whatever way you look at it, the answer really is God’s child.  Because of Christ’s atonement, He “adopted” all of us into His family.  However our families come together is beautiful and as we are sealed together we can be a family forever. 

I wanted to share part of the conclusion of the book by one of the authors:

“Miracles do happen.  Sometimes we stumble around, suffering and struggling, before we are able to let go of our plan and allow God to reveal His perfect plan for us.  His miracle…For us, the key was not to give up, but to surrender.  They are two very different things.  We never gave up our dream.  We never gave up trying.  We never gave up looking for answers.  But we had to surrender the details.  We had to surrender to God’s timing.  We had to surrender control…I’ll be honest.  Those feelings of despair, disappointment and brokenness, those didn’t heal immediately.  In those moments of grief, I’ve found it helps to pray.”

Well I’m not doing enough praying.  That’s where I need to start personally.  I have this picture hanging in my kitchen, and it acts as a daily reminder why I need to be strong and carry on with diligence:

    

What's In A Name?

I’ve had some people ask about the meaning of the name of my blog.   “My Heart’s Arias.”  Aria is a word you use a lot in the music world, it means, “an accompanied song for solo voice.”  I think of it as a “vocal monologue” usually with lots of emotion.  So “my heart’s arias” pretty much means “songs of my heart” but more accurately “emotional solos of my heart.” Haha.  I preferred that name because of the alliteration in the vowel sounds and thought it made it sound more poetic.  So there is that little story if you were wondering. 

My heart has some more songs to sing this week still.  It’s been almost a week since I got the implant in my arm (still horribly sore but healing well).  I wish I could say I feel relieved and ready to move on with life…but unfortunately that’s not how real life works. Occasionally, and really, more often than not, the "relief" of being "done with it for now" will subside and that heartbroken devastation will dominate for a time.  Maybe I just don’t give myself enough time to grieve, but why does it still hurt so bad?  Even with our “new plan” in place?  Like I can’t even see through it.  I have to remind myself of a saying that brings me a lot of peace, “It hurts because it matters.”  It’s supposed to hurt.  That’s ok.  It’s no fun to feel sad and heartbroken month after month but somehow I have to learn to deal with it.  Our first loss was in 2012, so in the world of infertility which spans years and years, we may just be getting started.  I’ve got to learn to deal with this part of my life- the mourning and the sadness and even jealousy, other than just looking forward to the future.  Simply because I don’t want to feel like this for the next five years, or even five days really.  It hurts because it matters.

When you get desperate- you learn submission.  Like a small child.  Maybe I'm stubborn enough that I wouldn't really learn submission any other way.  I feel like the most desperate and heartbreaking days I've felt have brought real and full submission in my prayers. It gets to the point where I just want to do the right thing so I can just have some relief.  If I do the right things maybe I’ll have some peace.  “The future is as bright as your faith.”  I wish my faith was too bright to look at.  Currently, it needs some help.  I haven’t given up on it though, and that’s better than nothing.  Sometimes you just need someone to tell you that there is hope.  I need to hear it and have people share that with me so I feel like it’s a real thing.  Having jack seems like a different universe…like a good dream more than a memory.  It is so strange to me now that we had a child.

The thing about feeling depressed is that there is no particular cause or reason necessarily.  Yes, I’m sad about the baby.  I’m devastated about our “infertility” but the mourning of those things come in moments and then you push through them.  This doesn’t feel like that.  It's just like a cloud over everything.  I wake up with headaches, the hours of the day go by slowly and I look at what I need to do and mostly have no desire or energy to do it.  I feel sad for no reason and feel exhausted even though I sleep.  Being tired leads me to eat crappy junk food- which makes me feel worse and more tired, and fat.  I feel worse that I'm not exercising because of said lack of energy, so I eat more food because "what's the use."  Then I look around at how non-productive I have been and feel even more depressed and worthless and it starts all over.  I look at things that used to excite me or motivate/energize me and just think "I don't care."  It's hard to deal with this.  I hope I can figure it out.  I'll be motivated for like a day, then my goals (even the tiny ones) feel so overwhelming that I feel like "it's no use" and life is never going to change.  I would describe the feeling as "numbing."  I find myself watching stupid movies on netflix that I'm not even interested in and don't like- because I just don't want to deal with my life, even though it's not a bad life.  That doesn't feel like me.  I know in my mind that I have a great life, I’m not sure why I can’t line up that gratitude with my emotions.  I shouldn’t feel so sad.  Sometimes I find myself avoiding eye contact with people around me because I just don't want to talk or interact at all.  That doesn't feel like me.  My spiritual life feels "dimmed."   Like if I go through the motions of prayer and scripture reading it kind of feels half-hearted and I really want to get past that.  It does help with being baby hungry though- because if I can't take care of myself, I won't take care of Jack as well as I could, and certainly not him plus another child.  In the very first verse of the Book of Mormon, Nephi says “…and having seen many afflictions in the course of my days, nevertheless, having been highly favored of the Lord in all my days…”  That’s really how it works isn’t it?  Those who are highly favored of the Lord have also seen many afflictions.  Still though, the harder the trial, the greater the blessings in the end.  They go hand in hand.  I was glad to have that reminder.  

  

Speaking of names today...  Small symbols in my life cause me to ponder.  Usually they bring me some peace.  I was thinking about Jack’s name.  I’ve written before how we named him Jack because it means “God is gracious.”  We knew that Jack was a miracle as the doctors were somewhat amazed that he was “just fine” and that we never had a loss before him.  We didn’t know how much of a miracle he was or how gracious God had been.  His middle name though, we struggled on for a little while.  It wasn’t until the name “Hyrum” came to my mind that I felt settled.  I knew that I wanted his middle name to be Hyrum after Hyrum Smith, brother to the prophet Joseph Smith.  Few places in history will you find a more loving, devoted brother.  As Jack was our first child, I knew he would be the older brother to all our future children and couldn’t think of a better example to name him after.  It strikes me now as I wonder when/if we will have more children for Jack to be an older brother to that I felt so strongly to name him Jack Hyrum.  It strengthens my faith to remember how sure I was a few years ago that we would have more children.  I wish I still had that assurity.  I know my son though, and even at two years old, I’m already sure he will be a great leader, friend, and brother to many people.  Even if they aren’t his biological siblings.    

I want to end my post with a story of love and hope.  I met a woman, through the internet, who I’ve become close to about these matters.  She and her husband have struggled through the years with unexplained infertility, failed adoptions, and two miscarriages.  They’ve been through fertility treatments, IVF, domestic infant adoption, embryo adoption, you name it, and still have suffered two losses.  We had connected shortly before we both found out we were expecting.  I think we were only a single day apart in our cycles.  During my waits at the hospital I would message her to help my nerves.  She was a calming and supportive influence for me through the pregnancy and one of the first people I told when my numbers came back low and we knew we would lose the baby.  She is a sister in this heartache and a blessing in my life.  Unfortunately, they lost their baby just a few weeks after our loss.  If you would like to follow her blog, it’s http://www.wheresbabymiller.com/.  God is good.  It is so important to remember that.  Here I was feeling like this woman who I've never met in person was helping me so much and being a healing influence.  She was someone I could talk to who had even a slight clue as to what I was feeling, and somehow the Lord blessed her through my experiences to help her prepare for what was in store for them also with the loss of their pregnancy.  She explained that through our conversations she was able to prepare for the “missed miscarriage” that they were faced with.  I would have had the same thing happen on my ultra sound had we not done blood work every other day to warn us beforehand.

The tender mercy is not only that the Lord can bring together His children that need each other (who live in different states and had no reason to meet)- the mercy is that He also lets us recognize the blessing as a reminder of how much He loves us.  All of us.  He hasn't forgotten us in our moment of need or time of pain.  He believes in our strength to carry on with love and faith.

Pondering

Well it is a new year, and this last week has brought me time to ponder on so many different things in my life.  I’m starting to understand that happiness doesn’t just come with certain circumstances, but happiness comes through our actions and our satisfaction in the way we are living our life- despite what may be "in the cards" for us.  I’ve started to think more about who I want to be instead of what I want to do or how I want to build my life.  Granted, what you do says a lot about who you are, but I’m focusing more on how I want to do it.  I want to handle situations gracefully and have joy in my circumstances.  The “come what may and love it” attitude.  I have a richly blessed life, and through the pain of difficult times it takes self-control to focus on all those good things around you and not to let sorrow drown them out.  “You do not find the happy life.  You make it.”

I had some dark days since the last time I wrote- I felt like I just didn’t have it “together” and some days I didn’t even try to.  I started experiencing panic attacks.  Suddenly I would get dizzy and my vision would blur.  My fingers would tingle and I felt so overwhelmed I thought my brain would shut down completely.  I would start hyperventilating and things stopped making sense.  I would sit on the floor and rock back and forth and sob and shake and thought I was only a second away from destruction the grief and depression was so strong.  My sweet husband would sit there with me and wait for me to say something, but most of the time I couldn’t.  I had to take drugs to help me sleep.  It became clear to me that time is essential for us right now.  If I continue to go through this every few months I won’t have any resemblance of a normal life.  Though I would go through it if I felt like it was right.  But so clearly, it is time for us to be done with this part for a while.

Though we have had wonderful and amazing support, it feels that some people expect you to go back to normal life faster this time around, because it seems I would be "used to it" after 4 times- but they don't know the nightly anguish.  They don’t seem to understand that each loss gets more painful, not less. The loss feels more crushing and hope subsides with each subsequent miscarriage.  I can't think about it for more than a few seconds, because if I don't push the thoughts away I really feel like I'm suffocating from the pain.  My chest tighens and I feel like I can't breathe.  It hurts to lose some of that faith you had.  We were so looking forward to a miracle- but after 4 times of hoping, that light feels pretty burnt out.  We feel so tired.   

I used to feel embarrassed about the emotional depth I have- how I feel everything so deeply and wear my heart on my sleeve.  How I analyze everything and how my heart feels caught in even small details.  Now, I am learning to love this about myself.  I think that it allows me to love deeper and feel joy more fully.  I think it is in that part of me that the musician is found, and why a piece of music can change my life because of what I feel when I hear it.  Being an emotional person can be a blessing if you learn how to handle it.

That pain does not go away.  Just last night I had a waiter ask how old our son is and start asking if we wanted another child, and talking about how it feels to hold a newborn in your arms.  In some ways, I feel that I do have more than one child, but they are not here with me at this time.  Nothing is lost to the Lord.  But despite painful encounters such as that-we deal with it, we move on with courage, and love and faith, and that's what makes us moms and dads.  We love even those babies we don't get to meet.  I loved them so much right from the very start.

My sweet sister in law gave me a beautiful picture for Christmas, one that I keep next to my bed now and it brings me comfort in times of grief. 

When I hurt I can remember that I held them each second of their lives.  The flowers in the pictures are called forget-me-nots.  I will never forget the loss of life we have experienced.  This picture has a two fold meaning to me when I see it.  God does not forget me either.  I am His child, and He has carried me every second of my life, whether I have acknowledged Him or not.  When I truly realize how much God loves me, the pain is swallowed up with gratitude and love for my Savior and the realization that this is just temporary and the sorrow will not last forever.  I did my job.  I carried those little lives as diligently and faithfully as I could, and that work is finished at this time.  Though it hurts, we trust that God’s ways are higher than our own, and that He does have it all figured out.  I saw an ornament this Christmas that spoke peace to my soul once again.  "Because someone we love is in heaven, there is a little bit of heaven in our home."  I want to live worthily of every blessing God intends to give us in His own timing.  I believe we will have more children and I believe in honoring the part of our family that is with God now.   I want to allow that knowledge to influence and bless our home with the Spirit.    

It is a struggle to feel we don’t have options with our regular doctors at this point.  There can always be more consultations, but there don’t seem to be many more answers within those appointments at this time.  Our next step, as I’ve written before, will be at a fertility clinic.  Financially we aren’t able to afford treatment at this time, but moreso than that I don’t think we have the emotionally reserve left to handle it this year.  I believe we will need some time to build our strength, our finances, and learn to find joy in the journey.  We will try again someday, and we are blessed enough to have many other things to focus on this year to try and better our lives.  Sometimes I feel guilty for putting the “baby dream” on hold, but it is a choice that has been handed to us and I am trying to accept it gracefully and with a smile and hope for tomorrow.  I believe that God understands the chemistry of my body down to the last detail and in a way that medicine will never understand.  After we do all we can do, He absolutely can fix the problem according to His will and timing.  We will do our best to study and learn and sacrifice, and leave the rest to Him with as much faith as we can find in ourselves.  Mary was a virgin after all, and she had a baby because it was His will.  Nothing is impossible for a loving Heavenly Father.  I feel so blessed to have the son I have and appreciate this time that I will have to spend one on one with him as we learn patience and hope for the future.

Just when I had my mind made up about getting the implant which can last up to three years (we plan to leave it for at least a year) and was getting settled- regrets and worries haunted me all last weekend.  Should I not even call the clinic to see what it would cost for a consult?  Am i going to regret this?  I was starting to worry about the quality of our embryos.  Maybe there is something wrong with the sperm or the egg.  Jack was just perfect somehow.  Maybe I have that problem they call "super fertility" where you get pregnant even with embryos that your body would normally reject because of a problem.  This may be a possibility because I always get pregnant the very first month we try, when it takes most people at least a few months.  I emailed the clinic and called and waited for them to get back to me.  As I continued to wait and not hear back from them, I was reassured that it was not the right time to pursue this course of action and I could leave it be for now.  Trying to figure out “what is wrong” is too overwhelming right now.  It would take over my whole life. 

I was talking to my bishop about how I worry sometimes that we don't know if we are making the right decisions even though we are trying to do what God wants us to.  He reminded us that in a covenant marriage if we are doing the best we can and are united in a decision for our family, it will be the right decision for us at that time.  I felt a lot of peace in that.  If Kevin and I are unified- it will be the right choice. Sometimes I still feel like “this sucks because all we want right now is a baby.”  But I can’t afford to think like that anymore- I have to focus on other good things we want in life right now and can work towards.

Sitting in the office waiting for the implant wasn’t easy.  I was alone on the table for over an hour because the doctor was running behind.  I felt so small.  So sad.  I felt like I was giving up on a dream.  But really, I was giving it to the Lord to hold onto for me for a while.  This was an important step for me- to accept God's will enough to take a step forward in waiting to have more children.  I don't think it is His will for me to suffer loss after loss every few months, so much as hope for a miracle once or maybe twice a year- this will give us time to heal and time to discover.  I think He knows I won't give up on it.  Perhaps this trial will lead us down a different path we wouldn’t have put ourselves on.

The procedure itself wasn’t the worst thing I’ve ever gone through- but it was icky.  I was extremely nervous since I’ve had procedures where the numbing didn’t take well (more than once…it’s horrifying) so they gave me some valium in advance to help me stay calm.  The numbing shots hurt a lot, and since my body is “sensitive to this kind of attack” as my doctor put it, I had a vasovagal response (basically the world started spinning and I started sweating and trying to throw up).  It was nerve racking but luckily I didn’t feel the big scary needle go in (they gave me a little extra numbing medicine just in case).  I felt dizzy and sick for a while, and it’s been a sore couple of days, but I am glad it’s a done deal now!  No more blood tests every 48 hours (my arms are grateful).  No more yucky stuff until I have to get the implant cut out, which I am expecting will be worse than getting it in since it involves cutting.  Lovely.   

See the soreness factor?  Just in case anyone was considering one. Haha.  I think it's worth it though- especially if a couple was planning to wait three years.

I actually am really excited about the New Year.  Hopefully we will be heading to doctorate school.  Since we are taking a break from trying for a baby for the year, I hope I'll be able to have a little more peace in my life until we feel ready to try for a miracle again- and maybe look into fertility treatment.  I'm excited to try and focus on some other things.  I know a lot of people say this at the start of a new year, but I really do want to lose some weight.  This hormonal and emotional roller-coaster my body has been on for the last year and a half has found me almost 30 extra pounds- and that has never happened to me before. I don't recognize myself in the mirror and I am very self-conscious about it.  I want to feel better and healthier and be proud of how I look.  I hope I can find something that works for me, and I'm sure that will help me avoid depression.  All the loss has made me appreciate more what I have- so perhaps the break from trying will help me to focus on taking better care of what I do have (including myself) instead of focusing so much on what I don't that it takes over my life.  Here's to a wonderful and exciting new year!  

Learning Empathy in Secondary Infertility

Well we just had the miscarriage confirmed (which was sad, but a relief because my doctor was starting to worry about an ectopic pregnancy, but fortunately that wasn't the case).

My sister in law lost her baby at 12 weeks the day after my last post.  I cried for her with as much sorrow in my heart as I felt in my own losses.  This was a hard week for our family.  I was thankful that if we both have to go through such a horrible thing, that we can do it together in the same week, and get through Christmas time leaning on each other.  It is a reminder to me that our trials help us learn the type of empathy that the Savior has, and we can become more like Him and feel closer to Him.  I'm learning to truly mourn with those who mourn.

I've written before that I have FELT as if I was dealing with infertility, but found out this week that according to the definition, I do in fact have secondary infertility.

"Secondary infertility is defined as the inability to become pregnant, or to carry a pregnancy to term, following the birth of one or more biological children. The birth of the first child does not involve any assisted reproductive technologies or fertility medications."

"Infertility is defined as a disease or condition of the reproductive system often diagnosed after a couple has had one year of unprotected, well-timed intercourse, or if the woman has suffered from multiple miscarriages."

"Infertility is a medical problem. Approximately 40% of infertility is due to a female factor and 40% is due to a male factor. In the balance of the cases, infertility results from problems in both partners or the cause of the infertility cannot be explained."

"Infertility is defined as 2 or more consecutive miscarriages." 

Well look at that- a new diagnosis.  That means our next step is a fertility clinic (since the OBs and MFMs basically said they've done what they can do.)  Oh boy, fertility clinic- since the losses are so early it does seem to be a problem with the getting pregnant part, something isn't working right there. I'm so nervous to dive into that world though.  If I knew it would help I would go for it.  But I'm not sure.  It is a nerve racking and expensive next step.  I was feeling like we were at the end of our options unless we started "fertility" treatments and testing, looks like i was right.  There are so many tests out there for multiple miscarriages.

Hormonal Factors Tests.
Structural Factors Tests.
Adequacy of the Uterine Lining Tests
Tests for Chromosomal Causes.
Tests for Immunologic Causes.

Ugh.  Let me tell you how much I love invasive, painful, or nerve-racking testing.  I suppose we will be depending on the Lord's timing and not able to investigate this further for a while.  Until we get a good job with benefits and actually have insurance we won't be able to afford fertility treatments.  But from what I understand most fertility treatments have to be paid out of pocket anyway, so we may end up having to save up for a few years.  Since we can get pregnant on our own maybe we won't need the most expensive treatments though.  All I know is that emotionally I won't be able to dive back into this for a while anyway, so in the meantime while we are healing maybe we can get some ideas for the future.

Pretty much at this point I just feel sad.  I think about not getting pregnant in the next year and my heart just sinks because we ache for another baby.  I guess in my heart I still feel like "one of these times the pregnancy is bound to work and bring us a healthy baby.  It worked once before"  We are so thankful for the son we have so I will be filling my heart with everything good he gives me.  Hopefully I can learn to cope with that sadness and learn patience until we can try again or see new specialists.  At this point I feel humbled enough that all I want to do is what the Lord wants us to.  If He doesn't want us to try again for 2 years and that's the right thing, then that's what I want to do.  If God's will is for us to try again in three months- that's what we want to do.  The hard part is discerning that.  We're not really sure of anything at this point.  My guess is we are learning patience and it is going to be a while.

I am trying to think about positive things in all of this- I mean, we have an extremely happy marriage, but most of our marriage has been focused around our babies.  Our miracle boy with us now and the four we have lost.  We found out we were 4 weeks pregnant with Jack 74 days after our wedding (and this is after only 2.5 months of dating and a 3 month engagement).  We have been thrilled to spend our time caring for him and the other pregnancies, and have wanted our family to continue growing.  We realize though, if it is not God's time for our family to grow, perhaps this will be a time where we can develop our relationship with each other a little more when the goal of having more children is not the immediate focus.  Perhaps I will gain a little of my sanity back.

I just feel trapped because we don't want to stop trying, but what else do we do?  Try again?  We have no new treatment options or reasons to believe I would be able to carry a child now so if we tried again at this point it looks like we would just have another loss.  It really would be the definition of insanity.  All I feel like we can do now is take a break, and see if the Lord's will changes with time.  Maybe we'll try again in a year, and if we have another loss we might have to look into a fertility clinic.  Waiting isn't what scares me.  I'm scared we'll wait a year or so and have the exact same tragedy and all my hope will be extinguished.  At least we are young and I still have a good 15 or 20 years that it would be possible for me to have our next miracle baby.  I'm learning to have joy in the journey and appreciate the good life and wonderful family I have.  

Thank You

It’s times like this I am reminded of the goodness of people.  I am astounded at the love and genuine concern and support we’ve received.  I absolutely do not think my trials are the hardest of anyone’s in the world and my life is so richly blessed. Going through this difficult time, however, I have seen the faces of angels in friends and family, emails, texts, and prayers.  Thank you, from the bottom of my heart for reaching out to me and helping me to feel God’s love for me again through your love for us.

The support and love has been outstanding and made all the difference.  I'm glad I've been so public about this because God has blessed us with so many loving people and your thoughts and kind words REALLY do make a difference and make it better. I know some people choose to be private about these sensitive things but writing has kept me sane and I don't feel so alone anymore.  As I’m writing this now, my total blog views are at 2101.  That simply astounds me.

This loss was harder because I always had a plan before- I had hope for "next time."  I have no more ideas really at this point.  More testing and seeing more doctors sounds daunting and exhausting but I’m sure we'll get there.  I think I’m going to just have to be "done" for a little while because I don't know where else to go.

Many people have talked to us about adoption.  Which in principle sounds great and I’m not opposed to it by any means, but it is by no means a feasible option for us right now.  First of all, money.  We have none at all. haha.  Adoption would be years away just because I don’t know how we will save anything as Kevin gets his doctorate and we may or may not have a steady income, let alone enough to save for adoption.  Adoption requires stability- where they can come observe you for at least 6 months in most cases.  And well, we’re in my dad’s basement until we find out about school.  I’ve already given birth to one child and since I’m not infertile that disqualifies us from some (but not all) adoption services.  I don’t think we are anywhere near being ready emotionally for the trials of adoption at this point.  If we did adopt I feel that at this stage of my life I would be one of those people who only “want a puppy.”  Meaning since I had a newborn of my own I feel like I would need to have another child from that stage and breastfeed and do all of those things to feel like my mothering was the same.  Maybe that could change with time.  And we are very young.  I have so many years ahead of me that I am capable of bearing a child, and so we are not giving up hope in the fact that we have felt we will have more children of our own.  Adoption is a wonderful thing, and has been even for people in my immediate family.  I’m just saying I don’t think it is the right thing for us to look into at this point in time.

Sometimes I have a hard time affirming to myself that I really have a problem despite four losses because I just think "but i already had a baby...it seems like a dream now, but I did.  How could I possibly have a real problem?"  How could acceptance still be this hard for me?  I feel like I’m trapped in all these horrible emotions.  Sorrow, anger, grief, guilt, self loathing, jealousy, confusion, no motivation, depression and lack of faith, not wanting to do things that used to make my hurt better.  People in movies run away to Paris or even just a hotel for the weekend or they start a new job, or take that class they’ve been wanting to. I don’t have money or the availability to give myself something new or do something crazy.  We’re even down to one car these days.  And my part time job is in a children’s store where I’m surrounded by infant clothes, new moms and pregnant women.  Helps a lot to get my mind off everything...  So I stay in this basement with my pain and fall deeper and deeper into this depression if I’m not careful.  I have violent dreams and food makes me sick.  I don’t feel like myself.

Jack keeps my head above water.  I’m thankful for my miracle.  It’s a strange world to be in the place where I am.  I can’t live the childless life like some of my friends but I’m not having more children either and I’m just not sure how to make that work yet and be really happy.  Not “pretend happy we’re dealing with it until we fix the problem,” but really happy.  I’m concerned about how long it may take me to figure it out.   I can do so much with Jack- but I hope you can see where I feel stuck.  Not really sure what else I’m supposed to be doing that will give me some fulfillment and take away all these negative things inside.  I have such a loving and supportive husband and he makes me smile and some days I do fine for a few hours and then completely lose it and all the crazy comes out.  But I guess that’s just what’s going to be expected for a little while. I writhe and cry and scream and yell for a few hours and say things I don’t mean and then I remember that things will be ok and I can trust God again, for a minute.  And I try to push those bad thoughts out of my mind or the violent images from my dreams or do something for myself that makes me smile.  Honestly my blog gets me through and is a great channel for me.  It’s insane that I publish my deepest thoughts right on the internet…but somehow it works out ok.  Probably because I have amazing and loving friends that support me.   This was always the trial I was most afraid I would have.  Ok, not most.  There are a lot worse things that people deal with, horrible things.  But I was always afraid of this struggle because I knew how much it would hurt.  I don’t want to take a break from trying to figure it out and trying again…but I don’t think I have much of a choice.  Ask my sweet husband.  I’m falling to pieces and though I don’t want to be done, I think we need to be for a while. 

Putting aside what I want and thinking about how to take care of myself.  I think I just need to get off this rollercoaster for a little while.  Nothing pains me more than to go on birth control because I absolutely wish I could be pregnant with a healthy baby- but that doesn’t seem to be the reality right now.  We’re considering a semi-permanent implant.  Perhaps if I had the certainty of knowing “we’re not going to get pregnant this year” I could live a little more and learn to be happy with the many blessings I already have.  Just knowing getting pregnant is not an option without scheduling a small surgical procedure makes it seem like it’s already set and it’s not going to happen.  Maybe I will find myself doing other things if I know a baby is not coming in the next year.  It won’t take the pain away, but maybe I can dull it as I learn patience.  When I see a pregnancy or a new baby I can learn to take joy in the witnessing of a miracle and tell myself “we’re not trying this year, but hopefully our miracle will come soon.”  I’m not saying I won’t get the implant and then 6 months later think I’m strong and brave and ready again, but once again, maybe that’s why I need this.  Maybe I need something to make me wait longer.  Emotional healing takes a lot longer than physical and maybe the Lord needs me to get closer to Him before we’re ready to work on this issue together.  Being sad to be taking birth control  won’t be a thought that has to cross my mind every single day with an implant, like when I’m on the progesterone pills and I have to take them at the exact same time every night.  They are unreliable if taken even an hour late, and it’s stressful because my doctors have warned of their effectiveness (I can’t use anything with estrogen). But with an implant, once it’s done it’s done and I don’t have to think about it anymore.  I don’t have to worry about maybe being pregnant and not knowing about it in enough time to “save” the pregnancy…not that the mentality has worked for me so far.  It’s absolutely not what I want to do, but if it gives us peace for a year and healing, and if it’s what Heavenly Father wants us to do, then I guess He has His reasons.  We could even still be doing tests and seeing specialists and planning our next idea of what might help, but maybe even holding off on that could be healthy for a while. Maybe I will be able to focus all of my attention on my miracle child, my amazing son who astounds me every day.  He brings joy to me in a way I could have never imagined until I experienced it.  Perhaps I will be able to more carefully appreciate each moment with him as I often wish I had when he was first born- now that I know a baby will be a rare occurrence for us.  

As far as dealing with pain and heartbreak I may be better equipped at this point to deal with the hurt of not being pregnant instead of losing a pregnancy every 6 months.  I can only do that for so long. “Next time” whenever that is, I’m considering not doing medical intervention, besides maybe starting on a baby aspirin when I find out, because nothing we’ve done seems to have even made a small difference.  I started on aspirin with jack at almost 6 weeks- and that’s all I did.

I think my reality is finally starting to shift.  Over and over I’ve been in disbelief that I couldn’t have another baby because I already had one…but after four times one after another I’ve been successfully beaten into the ground and it doesn’t feel as strange now to say “I can’t have any more babies right now.”  It causes me searing pain to say that, but maybe once I can accept that I can have a happy year focusing on what I do have.  After all, I have many blessings.     

Dear Baby... (our 4th loss)

Introduction:

It has been seven months since our last loss, so we were really excited and hopeful.  Which made this loss even more crushing.  We waited more than enough time, were on a new plan medication wise, and numbers were increasing well to start with.  Nothing we did seemed to have any kind of consequence- how long we waited, the medicines we did or didn’t use.  Didn’t seem to change much of anything.  The most devastating fact is we feel like we’ve hit a dead end.  This is not a normal problem…there is obviously something wrong we just can’t find what it is.  It’s a scary thing to know something is wrong with your body but not know what.  I’m hoping it’s not something more serious than we imagined in the first place.  There are so many ways doctors have now to try and help people get pregnant, but they can’t do anything really to help me stay pregnant.  And we don’t even know why.  I kept a journal through this insane week.  It started and ended that quickly- between weeks 4 and 6 are always when I lose them.  I don’t expect anyone to read all of this, but I’ll put the journal of the pregnancy up for anyone that can relate to the anxiety and hope and fear, and then crushing defeat that comes with monitoring like this, which ultimately ends in horrifying news.

It’s such a confusing feeling because I feel like we’re dealing with infertility but we’re not.  Couples who struggle with that try to get pregnant every month for years- but some people think I’m crazy for having 4 pregnancies in 15 months.  It’s really not that different- just instead of not getting pregnant, the pregnancies only last a few weeks.  It’s just that I usually get pregnant the first month of trying.  So we’ve been trying to have a baby for over a year without any luck, it’s just different because I’ve lost four chances when life started then stopped growing.  It’s a hard thing for me, instead of putting it in the hands of the Lord to see when He will bless us with a pregnancy, I have to choose whether or not I’m ready to try being pregnant again.  I’m not saying I wish I had infertility, I’m just saying it’s a strange dilemma.  Every time I imagining holding a newborn in my arms or helping Jack be a big brother I feel like my heart gets ripped out and stomped on.  One in four women will have a miscarriage- but I haven’t met very many who have had four in a row.  It’s too many.  It feels too hard.  I can’t even believe this is happening.  It has to be a bad dream.  We don’t even know what’s wrong.  I don’t know how we’ll ever fix it if we don’t know what’s wrong.  I so wanted to see a heartbeat this time.  The physical pain and cramping isn’t helping either.  The constant reminder is brutal.  Not to mention pregnancy symptoms continuing until all the HCG clears out.  I just can’t see anything good about this- I see nothing positive in it at all.  I don’t feel like I have any “clean starts” coming up- I just feel stuck in this depression and pain.  I feel overweight and behind in school and I feel like all the joy has been sucked out of me.  This one hurt so bad because we were so hopeful and excited and I was daydreaming about onzies and swaddles and a new little crib.  I think it hurts even more because I’m out of ideas.  We really have no idea why this is happening or how to fix it.  Not even having anything to try makes everything feel that much more hopeless.  Jack is my miracle- but I didn’t know how much of a miracle he was when he was born. I mean, he was my very first pregnancy.  It seems impossible that he is even here.

2011.  Remembering our greatest miracle that we didn't know was happening.

I want to do so many things better next time- I feel like I would appreciate each moment and stage more, I was so ready to try again and be better.  I wish I had another chance to get the professional newborn pictures done that I didn't do with Jack, and all of those silly little things that don't matter so much in the end, but matter a whole lot to me now that I don't have them.  A second time mom more fully understands the joy coming into her life with the birth of a child.  I’ll just throw all of my “energy” into jack and I’ll probably just spoil him silly because he’s all that I have.  I don’t mean to act ungrateful- I’m so blessed that I have at least one child-that gratitude is becoming stronger daily.  I have a wonderful husband who is so considerate and caring but I just don’t know how to manage this pain.  

This cloud of depression is so dark and heavy.  It hurts.  It kills.  I feel like all of my hope is drained.  I feel like I can’t live with this burden anymore.  When will I get to that point of strength and bravery that it won’t silently break my heart to be around anyone who is pregnant or holding a young baby.  When will I get to feel true joy for my friends and family without feeling bitterness?  I hate that I feel that way!  Maybe I’m impatient, but I just want to feel happy.  I know if you’re not happy before you have a baby/get married/graduate college etc you won’t be after, but I’m trying to learn how to be happy now with this trial in my life- but ask anyone who deals with it how easy that is.  It feels like life should stop for grief as strong as this.  But it doesn’t.  It keeps going.  In a way I suppose that is a blessing.  I won’t be getting my Christmas miracle this year, but I still am richly blessed with a wonderful family. 

I just wish I would have been able to meet at least one of those 4 little babies that started to grow.  That is the pain that swallows my perspective sometimes.  It’s amazing to me that so many people in the world only WANT one child.  It's everyone's right to choose how many children they want to have- I’m just trying to find the good things in having one, which others obviously see.  I do see a lot of benefits, but I would never have picked it.  I never wanted that.  I always imagined myself with 6 children.  I’m trying to find peace, but it always seems to take a backseat to the pain that is so obvious and in my face.  But I have to remember that “our faith is not dependent on outcomes.”  I’m trying to live the Lord’s plan a day at a time, whatever it is.  

Now comes that slow and painful part of letting the reality sink in that it doesn’t seem I’ll have another child anytime soon.  I do believe the words in those blessings for future children.  Most days.  Today it feels hard to believe in anything.  But if I didn’t believe them at all I would have given up trying.  I just don’t know how long it will be until those blessings are realized.  I’ve seen it happen for other people after years and years.  I know we just have to give control to the Lord and be patient.  This just feels like a horrible way to learn patience.  I hope my heart holds up.  I’m dreading going to bed tonight because it’s going to hurt too much in the morning to wake up and remember.  Hopefully the pain meds just sedate me. I feel kind of mad at the world.  Honestly I feel a bit traumatized emotionally.  It hurts to wonder what they would have looked like, probably a little like our jack jack.  For some reason it especially hurts when I imagine having a daughter, just because we don’t have one.  I’ll think, out of four times, most likely at least one of those babies was a girl.  Not that I am less sad about losing a boy, it just hurts in a different way.  My heart has taken a pretty harsh beating this past year and a half.  I’m still alive, but I feel dead.                                                                                                        

Journal During the Pregnancy: 

This time growth only held up for about a week- they seem to stop growing sooner and sooner. 

Timeline

Dec 5^th- negative home pregnancy test but had symptoms.  Blood draw showed HCG at 2.  I had been on aspirin and thyroid medicine, prenatals and extra folic acid for a few months.  Everything was good to go. 

Dec 6^th- Faint positive home pregnancy test.  Started on progesterone that night.

Dec 7^th- Obvious positive home pregnancy test, must mean levels are rising.  Doubled progesterone dose.  

Dec 8^th- Pregnancy test line about the same darkness as yesterday. 

Dec 9^th- HCG strip just a tiny bit darker- hoping the blood work comes back with good news tomorrow. 

Dec 10^th- Results from yesterday came back at 89! From 2 to 89 in 4 days! Great growth so far, praying that it doubles by tomorrow!

Dec 11^th- HCG came back at 139- about 60% growth. About where the doctors expected to see it.  Had a few more symptoms today, hoping and praying for continued steady growth of at least 60% every 48 hours. 

Dec 12^th- Horrible back pain and leg pain and uterine aches at night.  Panic attack- pain indicated to me I may have lost the baby. 

Dec 13^th- HCP came back at 157.  Not even up 20 points.  Baby has stopped growing around the same place as the last three.  I’ll have to wait a few days to start bleeding. 

1st loss 5 weeks 5 days.  2nd loss 5 weeks.  3rd loss 5 weeks.  4th loss- obvious growth curve and pain at 4 weeks 3 days.  It seems to be getting worse instead of better.  I don't know what's not working, this last one could almost be considered chemical it was so short.  The primitive placenta obviously starts working to start with because levels were looking great, then something happens and it just breaks down, stops growing correctly, and then we lose the pregnancy.  

December 6, 2013

Dear Baby,

I just found out about you today and I’ve been driving myself crazy wondering for the past few days.  I actually went and had my blood drawn yesterday at the hospital because those early home pregnancy tests kept coming up negative (until this morning) but I was just SO sure you were there!  I wanted to find out as early as possible so I can start on my medicine.  I want to do everything possible to keep you with me.  You are my fifth pregnancy but I have only given birth to one child.  Your daddy and I have wanted you here with us for so long, and waiting for Heavenly Father to send you healthy and strong has been the hardest trial in my life to this point.  It’s the hardest thing because I already love you more than you could ever know.  Because of my history I can’t be sure how long I will get to keep you with me, but I have learned to treasure every minute.  However God grants that we be together I will cherish each moment.  But I hope and pray that I get to meet you.  I want to see your little face and rock you, watch you grow and watch how all of Heavenly Father’s greatest gifts are shown to me through you.  Divine nature has never been more apparent to me than watching your brother Jack grow up.  He is still young, but I can see so much in him.  He already amazes and brings joy to so many people.  I know you will be the same because Heavenly Father has told me in more than one priesthood blessing that I would have very special children.  Maybe that’s what it has been so difficult for you to get here.

I have missed you for a long time.  I’m not even sure who I’m missing but it is a void so great in my life that sometimes it was hard to get through the day.  But I am so happy now my little one.  I’m so happy to have you with me.  You are already a miracle.  Your daddy and I were going to wait a little while longer to try and bring you into our family and somehow, seemingly out of nowhere- everything fell into place and I just knew it was time for you to try and come again.  I felt the spirit so strongly about it that I couldn’t help but burst into tears- I just knew.  Way before I took a test I just knew.  We aren’t telling our families for a little while, I am praying that I can hear your heartbeat first- then we could tell everyone on Christmas, which is in 19 days.  

I have been led to amazing and caring doctors before this pregnancy, who are loving and comforting and they have come up with the best plan that they know of.  I am willing to sacrifice almost anything to bring you here- and I’ve told the Lord that.  I told him that if a high HCG meant I was throwing up 7 times a day, that’s just fine with me.  If I need to do the daily shots in my stomach again, so be it.  Bedrest, painful procedures, whatever it is.  I promised Him that I would go through it if it would bring you to me.  Like I said, you are already a miracle because the spirit has been so strong since I have been thinking about you, and I was so sure I was pregnant just because of how much everything had seemed to fall into place and what I felt like God was saying to me, that reason made me more sure than my early symptoms.  I know you are so special.  I had a very special experience about a week ago.  You see, I won’t go into all the details, but I was afraid to ask God for a blessing about you because I felt like He might tell me no, and I would have to lose yet another one of my babies (that is a long story but that’s the main idea).  But as I was talking about my questions with some friends, and as I had been praying about it, I felt like I should ask specifically for a blessing of healing.  So I asked your daddy and he anointed my head with consecrated oil and gave me the most beautiful blessing of healing from Heavenly Father that blessed my body that it would be a welcoming place for future children to grow healthy and join our family.  He blessed my blood to work properly and my hormones to balance in the right way.  I know that He knows how to make my body work the right way, and I absolutely know He can do it with priesthood power depending on His will.  That blessing said I would be healed and would receive spiritual confirmation of that fact.  I am still very scared at this point because I know the Lord’s timeline is not always certain, and perhaps the realization of those blessings will be further down the road with a different pregnancy.  But everything about you so far has felt so extraordinarily special that I am choosing to believe that blessing is made for you and me right now.  

Really I just want to lay in my bed and not move and do nothing but eat healthy food and take medicine that will help you to grow.  But I have your brother to take care of so I pray that the Lord will attend me in everything I do, I pray with everything I am, more than I have ever prayed for anything else, that He will protect you and give you a healthy body and brain and heart.  That the placenta will be strong and nourishing, and that my body will be a safe place for you.  I love you so much baby, please know that however long we are together. You are due August 19, 2014!! I’m trying to be happy and optimistic because you are a brand new life and you deserve all the hope in the world!  I’m trying to be as joyous as I would be if I had no history of loss and no doubt or fear.

-I just got some strange news.  I got my blood result back from yesterday and the HCG was only at a 2.  Less than 5 isn’t even considered a positive pregnancy test- but I took a positive urine test this morning.  The strange thing is- HCG shows up sooner in your blood than urine so it is usually stronger.  But the urine pregnancy tests aren’t sensitive enough to pick up a number that low- the test I took is sensitive to at least 12-15- but that should mean the blood levels are up much higher than that.  Anyway- it’s a little unnerving for me.  I want to just put myself on bedrest.  The nurse wants me to go get my blood drawn on Monday and see if the levels are up high enough to call the pregnancy viable.  It’s Friday today.  The reassurance for me rests in looking at the test- there is enough HCG to show a positive test from urine today, so that must mean the levels are climbing rapidly- I pray.  I’m just upset that I work tomorrow night until after midnight- I don’t want to be doing the vaginal progesterone so late at night.  I’ll put the situation in the Lord’s hands and just do everything I can.  I hope this baby keeps growing quickly!  They’ll take my blood every other day until the HCG is at 2000, then they will want to see me for ultrasounds.  Can I please make it to that stage?? 

 

Dear baby- I am thankful for tender mercies.  I was feeling uneasy about closing tomorrow night and staying up late and scrubbing/cleaning and all that.  I felt like I should just take it easy.  Although we aren’t planning to tell family right now, I nervously called one of the bosses and told her what was going on.  I won’t go into details for privacy’s sake, but she told me some of her experiences and told me she knew what I was going through.  She got my shift covered no problem and changed some of my shifts next week and was so nice about it.  I feel so relieved that I can have the best chance at growing strong levels this weekend- I pray that Monday they will show amazing growth!

Dear little one- as I have been pondering through this day and have been trying to keep my spirits up, I have come to the realization that you are God’s to care for at this time.  I feel like I need to give the situation to Him and understand that I don’t get to choose how long you stay with me.  You are not here to be mine only, I am here to take care of you.  When you come and how is part of the plan for YOUR life, I am here to serve you.  You are God’s to take care of now inside my body.  I have hope that He will give you life and give me that miracle.  I am only the vessel- but He is taking care of you.  I will do everything in my power to keep you healthy- but I am giving the responsibility to the Lord.  In search for my greatest joy- you, I give Him my greatest burden- the fear of losing you. 

“I have come to know that faith is a real power, not just an expression of belief. There are few things more powerful than the faithful prayers of a righteous mother.” –Elder Boyd K Packer

December 7, 2013

Dear Baby- I have joy in my heart this morning!  I try to make sure my joy stays strong because it is the only thing that can overtake my anxiety, at least in moments.  Which I’m sure is as much as I can hope for right now, it would be normal for me to be nervous about a pregnancy- but fears aside I am taking in each moment as a blessing! I am planning to take this pregnancy one day at a time, and I’m hoping that it lasts the full 40 weeks.  My joy this morning is because the HCG line is darker on a test today than it was yesterday! That means you are growing!  And now that I started the progesterone last night I am putting my trust in it to maintain the pregnancy while the placenta gets nice and strong.  I put then medicine in and laid still for two hours praying that it does whatever it needs to do.  The nurse I talked to on the phone yesterday made me so nervous when she was talking about how low my HCG was, when she said to come in Monday and we will “see if we need to continue.”  But now that the lines are darkening in the urine tests I know for sure that levels are at least going up.  I’m not sure if the levels have 48 hour doubling time, but all that is important now is that the levels continue to grow and never stop growing or go down like my last three.  Honestly the blood was taken Thursday morning which was a full 6 days before I missed my period- which means we quite possibly drew blood on the very first day that HCG was being made.  That is a miracle in itself because it means I was able to start on progesterone the very next day! Hopefully starting it so early is just what you need!  Even though it’s scary to see such low numbers, they have to start at zero at some point and I hope we needed that early result to get going!  You are special baby, you are so clearly a miracle!  I have 4 more days until I officially miss my period. I hope by then your levels will be perfect!

Dear baby- I am already starting to feel sick today! Queasy and nauseous and all around icky- and I am thrilled about it! Haha.  I hope it’s because my hormones are increasing quickly.  I know there is a chance that it’s the progesterone, but as long as it’s helping you that’s ok with me!

-It seems like I always find something new to worry about.  I’ve been reading online and it seems other women were put on two to three times as much progesterone as I was.  I’m concerned that maybe I’m not on enough.  They are closed for the weekend so I guess I will wait and talk to them on Monday.  Hope everything stays ok until then.

-Well I was feeling anxious enough that I called the on call doctor, which I don’t normally do because I get embarrassed.  He was so nice.  He agreed that in my situation it may be a good idea to double to dose and do the medicine morning and night.  I feel much better about that decision- getting some helping hormones every 12 hours instead of 24.  Baby, I’m just trying to listen to my “gut” about every decision right now, even the seemingly small ones because I really believe that God can keep you healthy, but I am trying to live in tune with the spirit so I can hear every little prompting that could help keep you safe.

-I’m having a very small amount of pink discharge and it’s making me sick to my stomach with worry.  That’s how my other losses started.  I know it could be caused from implantation or putting the progesterone in, but I noticed it first before I ever did the progesterone.  I wouldn’t call it bleeding or spotting so I’m not giving up hope yet- I just hope to see a darker line tomorrow and have a textbook pregnancy like I did with Jack.  Emotionally these have been the hardest few days I’ve had in a long time.  Daddy is putting my name in the temple today so that I know I have people praying for us even though we haven’t told our family yet.

-I saw a picture this morning of a new baby- so beautiful.  My heart burst with happiness imagining the day that I will meet you.  And in that same moment a thought of horror and sorrow so great, to think I might not hold you one day brings so much pain I can hardly bare it.  I am in prayer constantly because I don’t know what else to do.  I am reading scriptures and searching for peace, it comes and goes in waves and all I can hope to remember is how much Heavenly Father loves me. I wonder if I just don’t have enough faith- because I have so much fear.  I have so many horrifying memories of losing pregnancies- I think it’s hard to feel the light of my faith through the pain of memory.  But I have you with me now, and last I checked you are growing.  I will take my joy from that.  I have no reason to feel sorrow until I know there is a reason.  Feeling so sad now will only dampen our time together.  I am trying to choose to be happy because I have no known reason to be sad- it is so wonderful that I am pregnant!  The happiness that fact gives me is greater than the dark side of all my fears which I am trying to crowd out. I think I should look at pictures and videos from my pregnancy with Jack- and remember the miracle that he is and the happiness that was there in that pregnancy.

-I’m choosing to surround myself with stories of optimism and miracles.  I think of my best friend Camille- her HCG levels were so low they thought she would miscarry the baby- but she started on progesterone and two days later her levels had quadrupled.  Why should my case be any different? Why should I expect anything but the best?  It would be better, I think, to have all my hopes suddenly dashed by bad news than live expecting it in gloom and never having it come.  So I’m choosing to accept and believe that everything will be ok, and expect to claim the blessing the Lord gave me using my faith.  Despite the scary numbers or anything else.  Right now there is no reason to believe that everything won’t be just fine.  I’m trying to enjoy this pregnancy like we never had anything bad happen to us.

I’m sorry I write so much.  Usually I talk to my mom about everything- it feels so weird to not tell any family right now, honestly it’s difficult for me, but I just think it would be such a beautiful Christmas miracle to tell them on Christmas that we are 6 weeks along (by that point) and everything looks healthy!  Also I realized the progesterone capsules I’ve been using are pink, so I hope that explains the pink discharge I’ve been worried about.

This is a really hard thing and sometimes I feel like I’m hard on myself for doubting at all or being guarded, but I know that Heavenly Father knows that I am really doing the best I can, I really am, and it feels good to feel confidence saying that.  That’s why we have our Savior, He makes up for the difference.  He helped Peter walk on the water.  He helped the man that asked “help thou my unbelief.”  He gave them miracles and He will give me miracles.

I told my Dad and Julie tonight (step-mom)- I wanted to wait to tell family until Christmas, but I felt like I needed their support because I’m living here and I didn’t want to keep making up excuses about why I felt sick or was laying around.  They were wonderful and I know they will pray for me and support me.  I look forward to more good news so we can tell the rest of our family on Christmas about our little miracle!

December 8, 2013

Dear Baby- the line on the test isn’t a lot darker today if it’s darker at all- makes me a little nervous.  But they say doubling time is 2 days not 1 so I’m trying not to worry.  I have test strips that are a sensitivity of 25 so I’m hoping that by tomorrow there’s a dark line there- because I tried one this morning and it’s almost nothing.  It will be higher in my blood- still praying for a miracle!  I don’t know why it feels difficult for me to just sit back and trust that the progesterone is going to do its job and take care of any problems.  Maybe because that’s exactly what I did with the lovenox shots and the pain was unbearable when it didn’t work and I wasn’t prepared for it.

I need to give up my need to be in control- and give the control to the Lord.  Today I wrote a little bit about how I was feeling on a mommy blog for moms who are “cautiously expecting after loss.”  Sometimes it helps just to talk.  I hope I can trust my intuition that this baby is different and special and we will be able to bring him or her home with us. 

Just read that taking progesterone can cause increased worry. Bahahahaha. At least I got a laugh.

December 9, 2013

Dear Baby- well I used one of my cheap HCG strips this morning and it is just a little darker! I am thrilled!  I wish that it was an obvious bold line instead of barely visible- but trying not to worry too much because I got these strips on ebay and I guess I’m not sure how good or sensitive they are.  I’ll get my blood drawn today and get results today or tomorrow afternoon.  Please have a good doubling time! Please oh Please!!  I ended up retching twice at the hospital today, hoping that’s a good sign!  Though I am glad I didn’t throw up all the way. Well they closed a half hour early today so now I don’t get my results! Ah! It’s going to drive me crazy waiting!

December 10, 2013

Dear baby- I told my mommy about you last night.  I just really feel like I could use her support and this is a lot harder than I thought it would be.  I told her not to tell the kids though.  I want them to be surprised.  I’m waiting on pins and needles to hear about blood work.  Those cheap HCG strips were making me nervous so I got a dollar store test that is supposed to be the same sensitivity, and the line was a lot darker on that test and almost invisible on the cheap ones.  I think I should just throw the other ones away, they do nothing but cause me stress.  Here’s praying for happy news this morning!

Baby- we are celebrating!! The results came back at 89!!!  Normal range for day of missed period is 50-80 and this was the day before the missed period so I am absolutely thrilled!  You have grown so much so quickly!  From 2 on Thursday morning to 89 on Monday morning!  They want to draw again tomorrow (Wednesday morning) and see at least a 60% growth, but we’re hoping more to see it double.  I am thanking God for the happiness in this moment- so far nothing has gone wrong and my prayer is that everything will continue smoothly!  Please keep growing for mommy!  I am hoping for a range between 143-180 tomorrow.  We’ll use another dollar store test tomorrow and hope for a darker line as we wait on the blood work.  I think it’s always going to feel hard waiting for the next number until we see a hearbeat, but if we don’t go through the hard stuff, we won’t recognize the miracles. My mom always told me to pray for specific things, for exactly what I needed, so I am praying for a draw of 200 or more.  I know the Lord can make that happen!

I told my best friend Hattie Lou today because she just texted me out of nowhere because she was thinking about me.  That made me feel so special that she was thinking about me.  I’d like to tell some of my other best friends, but I just felt like I should tell Hattie for now even though my siblings don’t know yet- she is one of the most optimistic and positive people I know and I feel like her prayers go a long way for us! She is an amazing supportive and loving friend.  I know I need to be working on school but my mind feels so preoccupied I feel like I can’t focus. Maybe once we get through these next two weeks I’ll be able to resume life again.  

December 11, 2013

Dear Baby- I had my first full on meltdown this morning at about 630 am.  Sometimes the fear and anxiety just takes over and I’m not as strong of a person as I’d like to be- I can’t help it I just love you so much.  The last three times, I always had a meltdown right before I found out I lost the baby so I pray it’s not a pattern.  I swear I don’t try to torture myself but I assumed that the day after my period was due I would have a nice dark thick easy to see line on a pregnancy test (of course the 88 cent kind instead of the sensitive ones, what is wrong with me) and that would calm my nerves until I get the blood results.  Well I think I’m done testing for now.  This morning the test came back about the same as yesterdays, not even lighter, just the same to maybe slightly darker and I completely fell apart thinking you weren’t growing anymore. This tells me I can’t handle trying to get results myself and I just need to wait on the doctors.  I’ve been praying so much but I guess even brave people break down sometimes.  I dream about it all night and I feel like I’m going crazy, I just need to know you are ok.  I think I might need to be in grief counseling…seriously, I guess losing three pregnancies in a row makes you lose your ever loving mind when you get pregnant again.  I’m not giving up hope, we haven’t received any technical bad news yet so I’m sorry to even be acting like this.  I love you and I’ve been praying for a draw of 200 or more today!

“In most normal pregnancies with hCG levels below 1,200 mIU/ml, the hCG usually doubles every 48-72 hours and increases by at least 60% every two days.” 

Ok- results are in!  I’m glad I can check them online now within about an hour.  So we were hoping of a growth of at least 60% and I was hoping for doubled.  A 60% growth in 48 hours from my last lab would be 143 and I drew at a 139 which is pretty close.  Even though I was hoping for 200, this is a good increase and the nurse said it is about what’s expected at this point (today is the day I actually missed my period) as long as growth continues at this rate it should be fine!  Fingers crossed baby!  Please have a growth spurt within the next 48 hours so I can rest a little easier! I know I was praying for higher, but sometimes He gives us exactly what we need, and 60% is what I actually need, so I am very thankful. 

I just have to keep telling myself- nothing bad has happened yet!  I need to stop worrying because nothing bad has happened yet! Everything is right where it needs to be.  Hoping for a range of 222.4-278 on Friday morning.  I asked the nurse to talk to my doctor tomorrow and see if he wants me to add a third progesterone supplement during the day.  She said she would call me if he does.  But all I really need to do is put it in the Lord’s hands. 

Doc says to just stay on 200mg as progesterone is “controversial” to if it actually works or not anyway. I hope it works for me!  He says he thinks he’ll be able to see a gestational sac on an ultrasound in about a week if the growth continues like this.  Praying!

Hey my baby- I’m feeling a lot calmer tonight. I am really happy you are on track for growing.  Even though it’s not as fast as I’d like, as long as it’s safe I’m fine and the doctor didn’t seem concerned at all.  I’ve actually felt more symptoms tonight, sore chest and “growing pains” in the womb- just twinges and sharp pains and not cramping.  I’m so grateful for that. Also I wanted to die when I used tea tree toothpaste tonight. I couldn’t stomach it.  I wish those pains I’m feeling here and there would never stop so that I knew you were ok, but I’m really trying to trust Heavenly Father.  A little tender mercy of the night, my boss just texted me and said not to worry about coming in for my morning shift.  Although they keep taking away my hours and most people would be upset about that- I think that right now I should be resting all I can and it’s a blessing.  I would have had to wake up at 4 to put my medicine in and then try to go back to sleep until 520, then get up and leave by 6, then get to work by 645 and work 7-12, get home at 1245 for your daddy to leave at 1 for work and I’d be home with Jack Jack the rest of the day.  It just sounded exhausting to a newly pregnant woman.  Anyway, I’m thankful.  Grow baby grow! I’m frustrated that I won’t let myself get more excited yet- imagining buying new baby clothes or picking out names (we’ve had a girl name picked for years) but the more good news we get the more happy I’ll be!

December 12, 2013

I’m feeling pretty good today- I’m feeling more hopeful and just try to tell myself this baby will be born and not to worry.  Kevin and I talked about how we need to get a pack n play for this baby and it made me so happy to imagine an actual newborn at our house again.  I try not to think about the blood test until tomorrow because it just causes me too much anxiety- getting a test every 48 hours to tell you whether your baby has lived or died since the last test.  I stopped using the urine tests today because I realize that the “darkness” of the line isn’t really an accurate measure at this point and it’s only going to cause me stress.  Just trying to keep the faith!

Tender mercies- through the miracle of internet connections I have made a friend in California who has been struggling with infertility for years and she and her husband have just gotten pregnant through embryo adoption!  We have been talking a lot because we are exactly the same amount pregnant- she is only one day behind me in her cycle.  It has been so wonderful talking to someone who understands the stress of what I’m dealing with and is so encouraging.  We compare betas and are about the same now- hers is a little higher but I’m not going to worry about a numbers game. 

Ugh- I’m feeling nervous again.  My draw is in the morning and I have to take Jack with me again, which always makes it harder.  Mostly I’m feeling upset because I’m having a lot of back pain, and I’ve always had severe back pain the night before I’ve lost the other babies.    I know it could be from the medicine, and actually I’ve had a lot of back pain this pregnancy.  But it’s still terrifying.  I’ve had people tell me to expect the best and hope for it but prepare for the worst.  It just doesn’t work that way.  If you choose to believe your baby is going to live, you have to believe that 100% you can’t be planning in the back of your mind what you’ll do in case.  That just sucks the hope right out of you.  I hope my happiness and confidence is restored with tomorrows reading.  Even though we haven’t had any bad news yet I sometimes fall into a deep depression because I don’t know how we’ll ever have another child if I can’t get past 6 weeks.  It’s not infertility where when you finally get pregnant you have a baby, it’s getting pregnant without intervention, then there’s nothing else they can try but wait and see.  It’s horrible.

Dearest baby- sometimes I wonder why the Lord has us suffer so much in such a condensed amount of time.  Tonight as my pains worsened with cramping and back pain, fear completely overtook my body.   I was shaking and sobbing so violently that hardly a sound could come out.  Somehow all my excitement was gone and all my hope was lost.  Are you still with me?  Will you still be with me tomorrow?  Nothing seems to matter anymore.  Sometimes my life feels pointless to have my only important dreams feel like they shatter in an instant.  I’m not sure if you’re ok or not, but I don’t feel ok.  I don’t feel strong enough to handle this anymore.  I just want to fall into the earth and sleep and not be aware of anything for a while.  Your daddy put his hand on my belly and I could see the worry on his face and the sadness in his eyes.  Why do we have these challenges?  Is there any hope for us truly?  As I was shaking I was just praying in incomplete sentences.  Please God hold me in your arms. I’ve never felt so afraid.  Please God save my baby.  Save my baby.  What is my life even worth.  Will we ever be happy again without this pain eating us alive.  How am I to survive seeing my own extended family grow and grow without trouble without feeling such guilt and worthlessness that I want to hide from everyone?  Why do I not have the faith to overcome these horrible negative feelings?  Is there a miracle yet ahead or will tomorrow hold even more pain for us?  I feel so numb.  I feel so much grief and yet I don’t even know if you are gone.  I asked your daddy for another blessing because I felt so weak I thought I could never move again. 

The blessing spoke of God’s plan for our family, to which I feel impossibly blind and honestly, somewhat angry at right now because fear and anxiety and sorrow seems to be overtaking me without a problem.  I don’t want to give up hope.  There could still be good news tomorrow, but I have no idea how I’m going to sleep tonight to get to that time.  It’s just that after a 4^th loss in a row, if that’s what happens, if we lose you, I don’t know where we go from here.  We’ve tried so many variables of different things we think might help whatever problem we’re imagining is there.  It feels like we’re at the end of our options already even though I’m sure there could be many more painful years of experimenting ahead.  Here- try this and see if your baby survives this time. 

Baby- I hope you are a fighter.  I will try to keep fighting for you as long as I can.  This is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.

December 13, 2013

Dear baby- it is still dark out this morning and I am exhausted and have a pounding headache but I can’t sleep.  The dull aching has continued through the night.  I’m not sure what hurts the worst- my back, legs, or uterus.  I’m trying to hold out a little hope that it’s maybe being caused by some kind of growth spurt and not a loss.  I wish it would just stop for a little while so I could rest and not think about it.  I had nightmares all night about losing you.  I’m not sure how to get through this day.  I don’t think I could live with the pain of losing you.

Also just realized it’s Friday the 13^th…..great.

Just got back from getting blood drawn and just waiting on results.  It really could go either way at this point.  We could be seeing a miracle, and the pain could just be my back and hips, or we could be seeing a loss.  I’m so afraid of that.  I worry I didn’t have enough faith or that I’m not a good enough mother to be trusted with another.  I worry that I’m going to live my life with this hole in my heart. 

Lab is back.  Number was only 157.  That's only up 18 points, like 12 or 13% growth.  I guess I already knew- this is the same place I lost the last 3.  I don’t know why I can’t make it past this point.  My heart is broken and I don’t know where to go from here.  I don’t know how many years it will be before I have another child.  The pain I feel is numbing and I am so frustrated.  They have all these different ways of helping people to get pregnant- but none to help them keep it.  The Lord said he has a plan for me but right now I feel so alone and hurt.  I don’t even know how to be around my own family.  I don’t know if I can believe in miracles anymore.  I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with my life, and I hate my own body for being like this. 

I’m in so much pain and I’m feeling so angry and so hopeless.  Why would God withhold the one thing I want most?  Jack is looking more and more like a miracle and I don’t even know where to go from here.  I have no plan.  My life is feeling like a waste.  What aspirations do I have?  Do I have other dreams to fall back on?  Why do I have to suffer like this? 

I think my heart might fall right out of my chest to see my three sisters have their babies this year.  I hate that I'm not more supportive and involved in their pregnancies because I'm blinded by my own pain.  I have no idea what God wants me to be doing with my life.  I feel like I might need grief counseling- it’s eating me alive and has been for a long time.  I miss my brother Ben today.  He’s on his mission in Brazil, he’s one of my best friends and I miss him so much.  I’ll write the rest of my thoughts in an intro for this blog post.