In All Honesty...

I really debated about posting these thoughts.  The biggest reason being that: I don’t feel like this all the time.  But when it hits, it hits hard, and it’s real.  I've always wanted my blog to be a message of hope, healing, and faith overall. But sometimes you have to write about the real raw stuff that makes any healing meaningful in the first place. So I apologize if this post is a downer. It's not easy to share, but I do want my message to be one of honesty. And writing is my outlet.

I hate that I can get so sad because, all in all, my life is wonderful.  Really.  I truly recognize that I have so many blessings. But for some reason I can't make that resonate when the sadness hits. It just hurts. No matter how many “worse things” there are in the world I just feel horrible. I start to have some self-hate. That helps absolutely nothing.

I hope time will bring some peace and self-love. I don't know what I'm looking for exactly. Sympathy can be a wonderful thing that reminds you that you are loved, but it doesn't change anything. The world keeps on moving and you're just trapped in your own emotions that feel pointless and damaging. Even though your brain knows it, you can’t just set it aside.

Depression is a hard thing to write about. I think what it really does- is make me over sensitive. I start to feel like an idiot all the time, like I'm always doing or saying the wrong thing. I question my worth. I even question the whole point of my blog, thinking maybe I've made myself into one big stigma of sorts, and have started to see my circumstances as my identity.

I crave for a vice, for anything to distract and dull my mind a little bit, because in between the moments of joy or contentment, I swan dive into sadness (which makes me feel worse about myself for not staying happy).  I start to feel like everyone is laughing at me behind my back and I just want life to pause for a while. If I am able to step back from the situation long enough, I begin to think all of this is just me not being able to process pain. Maybe mixed with some baby blues, without the baby. Just the postpartum hormones. Even though my pregnancy was short, the body changes are real. And my heart is so bipolar trying to focus on my blessings and the good things each day, and then in one moment completely crashing and burning.

I can cry at things that people say to me.  Like, normal, regular, everyday things with no relation to what I'm dealing with, and with no harm intended. Then I get frustrated with myself for doing that. When my pain killers were empty I was just wishing I could take one more to take the edge off.  I knew that was scary.  I know that's a bad sign. I had to admit to myself that I could be dealing with some depression.  I didn’t take any more pills.  Somehow I fought it off because that is one more thing I don’t need to deal with.  I'm not quite sure how I can best get through this in a healthy way, yet.  But I will get there.

My spirituality goes up and down but I'm trying to hang in there.  I’m so relieved to have a supportive husband who is a good listener and doesn't judge me even in my crazy.  I try to find a few reasons each day to get out of bed and really smile, even though I feel broken at the moment. I know I'll need some time. Even though I don't want to forget.  To be happy after a loss always makes me feel guilty.  But I don't want to hurt like this my whole life.

I want to be in charge. I want to make good use of my time and my life. Fill it with wonderful and meaningful things- no matter how many or few children I have. It is easier said than done, but I'm fighting to do it. And that's the honest truth, so I'm going to try not to beat myself up after posting this. I’m going to keep healing.  I’m not going to define myself by anything that life throws at me.

Still A Mother- The Story of Our 6th Pregnancy

"If you know someone who has lost a child, and you’re afraid to mention them because you think you might make them sad by reminding them that they died — you’re not reminding them. They didn’t forget they died. What you’re reminding them of is that you remembered that they lived, and that is a great gift."

~ Elizabeth Edwards

I really can't explain the horror of finding out that our 6th pregnancy had just become our 5th consecutive loss.  How could this possibly be happening again, when everything seemed to be going so well?  How could this happen so many times in a row, with the doctors still not understanding what was going wrong?  How can this possibly be what fate had in store for my life, could this really happen to me again?  Will any of our babies ever be born alive again?  I know there are far worse things, but that doesn't stop me from feeling utterly overwhelmed and consumed in grief.  

Often when I take Jack to some activity for children, he's surrounded by other kids close to his age.  Most of whom have one or two little brothers or sisters.  I always get the same question "Just the one?"  "just?!" my mind screams, "This child is the greatest miracle my soul has ever experienced (not that I had the slightest clue at the time).  He is my life and my joy.  He is bursting with a sweet personality and brings joy to his whole family, not to mention he is extremely intelligent.  Not only was he somehow born without handicap or deformity (which we now realize is probably a high possibility for us), but he was born healthy and extremely bright.  He wasn't born tiny, sickly, or early (another possibility) but somehow was a whopping 9 pounds 4 oz, screaming, starving, happy boy.  There is no part of him that is a 'just.'"  I smile and say "Yes, he is my one and only."  

But he's not, not really.  I have been pregnant six times.  Five other lives were conceived and started to grow within me.  So when people say "just the one" my mind can't help but think of those who I never met.  I wonder what they would have looked like.  If they were boys or girls.  How it all works out and where my babies are now.  It's ok, I decide, because I am still a mother.  I am still a mother to all the life I have ever carried inside.  I was the best mother I could possibly be to each of those precious beginnings that ended too soon.  And that counts.  I'm still a mother, to more than "just" my one.   

Last month started out chaotic to say the least.  I suddenly found myself looking for a new job as I realized that my current one was just not going to cut it for us right now.  Kevin being in school and I being the breadwinner and all…  It was a little stressful but I was sure the right thing would come up.  I interviewed at a Music Conservatory but it turns out it would have been a paycut since it was an administrative position...that still wanted a bachelor's in music. (what?!)  I started the process of starting up some music lessons on the side, if I find students interested.  Since we have so much else going on I’m not really promoting it right now, but I’m ok with that.  I’ll see if I can work it in, because I would like to keep music in my life.  We just have a lot of other priorities right now.  Jack started preschool  a few months ago, which has been awesome.  It’s not too long or too often so I’m doing ok with it.  I like to see him learn and grow, and it’s good for me to have the option of taking him there for childcare if the need arises suddenly as well. 

Kevin and I had been talking more and more about the possibility of trying for another baby again.  Everything seemed to have led us to some answers that could actually bring great results. I think most of my fear was that I was SO hopeful, that I was extra terrified of my dreams being crushed.  My heart just can’t take so many losses in a row.  But Kevin put it in perspective once again that if we don’t try, it's the one way to guarantee we won't have another child.  We can only end up in the same situation or a better one.  That put my heart at ease a little more with the idea of possibly being pregnant.

I was taking all my vitamins, hormones, aspirin, etc.  I felt good about everything, when I started having kidney pain!  It was the worst!  I was feeling totally overwhelmed by it- because I was almost sure it was from taking too many water soluble vitamins and putting too much strain on my filtering organs.  I was concerned with the idea of cutting some vitamins when I already knew there was a chance I could be expecting.  But I felt a peace come over me and I knew that if it was too hard on my kidneys, I certainly was getting the nutrition I needed and the rest was in excess.  So I carefully went through my list and cut a few doses here and there that made sense to me.  Thankfully, I haven’t had any kidney pain since!  I’m so thankful for that peace that comes from the Spirit, because, before that happens, everything is terrifying.

Then came that two week wait.  I would have little pregnancy symptoms here and there, but knowing it was too early to test, you just have to wait.  That is one of the hardest stages for me.  I worry, and I dream, and I hope, and I sometimes feel devastated again before anything has even happened.  Let’s be honest, it’s so scary after what I’ve been through.  Sometimes I feel like I’m not brave enough to deal with it.  I find myself praying almost constantly.  I imagine what I would say to the baby in my thoughts.  “Please be a fighter, hang in there.  I’m so thankful and thrilled for all the time we will spend together, no matter how long that might be, I will treasure it.”

I would have good days and bad days.  One night I was doing some late grocery shopping after work at Target, and I just happened to pass by their cute section full of “all things baby” and it just put a knife in my heart!  I almost started crying right there in the aisle!  “Will I ever buy these things for you baby?”  I tried to replace that fear with hope and tried to imagine the possibility.

I started practicing a lot with positive imagery.  I remembered my pregnancy with Jack.  I would look at pictures.  It was real.  It can and will happen again.  I tried to tell myself these things to give my body strength. "Although I may have been deficient in vitamins before, I am not now.  I may have been deficient in hormones before, but I am not now.  Everything will be fine with the next baby.  I have everything I need to give it."

Sometimes I like to pretend I am in control I guess.  I like to imagine that if I do everything exactly right I can control the outcome of a pregnancy.  But this false idea gives me extremely high anxiety when I wonder if I'm taking the exact right dose of all the right things at the exact right times.  And if something isn't exactly perfect I will lose the baby and it will be my fault.

What I need to remember is that God is all knowing and all powerful and He is on my side.  He absolutely has the power to make miracles happen.  High anxiety won't change anything in the end.  God giveth and God taketh away.  I would think "I need to focus more on having faith and trust in Him that He has led us to all these things for a reason and will make them work for us in His time.  I suppose I'm just afraid of when that time is.  And that it's not now.  How much more can my soul take?"

My new mantra was along the lines of reminding myself over and over "God loves me. God loves me.  The creator of all the universe knows my name, my situation, my faith and my worry, and He loves me today and right now."  It helped me cope with the stress.  It is a very stressful situation when you have lost your past 4 pregnancies in a row to somehow believe that you might see a heartbeat next time, and witness a miracle. I wrote "It takes everything I have not to crumple into a ball of worry and sadness.  This trial is teaching me mental self-control.  I know anxiety and despair are not healthy for my body, so I am learning to quiet those thoughts and focus on love.  I focus on faith.  The fear won't leave completely, but I assume that would be unnatural.  I'm waiting to be a witness of God's work that He can do through me."  

As I was pondering on all of these things I had some thoughts.  I sometimes feel that my mental attitude believes that it is my "default" to miscarry and that Jack was my exception.  He is no doubt a miracle, but I had a thought, what I believe was a prompting, telling me that in reality, by default, my body is designed to nourish and bring healthy children into the world.  It is only when something goes wrong that I miscarry.  It is not be default.  It is NOT a curse.  Even though it felt like it after four in a row.  Something was wrong all of those times.  Something was missing.  We hoped that the missing pieces were nourishment from vitamins and hormones that I was supplementing with.  If that were the case, then by default, I should have been able to have another live birth.  I was trying to absorb that same attitude and have the same kind of "blind faith" that I did during my pregnancy with Jack.  Since it was my first, it really never crossed my mind that the baby might not survive.  I completely expected him to be born healthy with no problems.  And that is what happened.  I want to have that kind of faith and trust again knowing that, by default, my body was made to do this. 

When it was almost at the end of that two week wait, I got a call and found out that I had been offered the job we were hoping I would get!  I was so excited.  I would soon start as the Health Unit Coordinator for Medical and Oncology Nursing at the hospital.  After that call I started feeling really overwhelmed.  This job requires me to work longer and later hours, more often.  I wasn’t really sure if I wanted that pregnancy test to be positive anymore.  Maybe it would be better to wait a few more months until my new job settles in.  About 2 hours after I accepted the job, I get a call about my blood work from the fertility clinic….PREGNANT!

Half of me was so excited for so much good news in one day, part of me was like…holy…crap…this is going to be crazy….

 The hCG was 2.2 on Monday which would be considered 3 weeks 4 days.  That’s technically a negative result because it is SO low (less than 5).  So it didn’t quite sit well because I wasn’t really sure what was going on.  We may have basically caught the baby literally STARTING to grow in the blood work.  It's so early that they told me not to worry and we'll just make sure the numbers are going up steadily.  My progesterone was great!  Which made me feel lots better.  However small the number is, hCG is produced by the placenta, which meant there had to be one in there!  When that sunk in, I just knelt there on my bathroom floor and cried and cried and prayed and prayed.  I just poured my heart out to God.  Please bless and watch over this little life. 

My mom was so happy she cried when I told her.  I took that as a good sign.  My mom is awesome.  She reminded me that my job right now is to be a mommy.  It's not to be a nutritionist, or a scientist, or a doctor.  It's just to hope with all my heart and expect to deliver a happy healthy baby.  And we know that things have the possibility of changing for the worst, but she said up until that very moment I don't even need to think about it. 

I found out my due date according to my last cycle would be June 11^th, a day after my sister’s birthday.  Pretty cool!  I practiced saying things like “the baby IS due June 11^th,” not “if everything goes well then the baby will be due in June.”  I needed to let the message sink into my body that I am keeping this baby!

After the shock and excitement wore off, the fear started to sink in again.  I was supposed to track hCG growth at home using home pregnancy tests, and I wasn’t getting positive results.  I hadn’t missed my period yet, so I knew there was a chance that everything would still be ok.  It’s just that in my last 4 pregnancies, I ALWAYS have had a positive four days away from my period.  I tried to remind myself that you can rush science, and just because this pregnancy was different didn’t mean that anything was wrong with it.  It just wasn’t a normal pattern for me, and it was scary.  I wished science would hurry it up a little and give me some peace of mind. 

I was saying a lot of “help thou my unbelief” prayers, because as much faith as I was trying to have, it was so scary and I know I had a lot of doubt in there.  Kevin gave me a beautiful blessing around that time that really brought peace to my soul.  I asked for a blessing of healing.  God blessed my body to be healthy and strong and for the systems to be strengthened and able to support life.  The blessing said I’ve done everything to help to the best of my knowledge, and Heavenly Father can do the rest.  It told me to have faith and confidence- that I would have the Spirit with me to help and comfort me.  That the Lord desires us to have more children.  I also felt overwhelming gratitude for all those who are praying for me.  I’m so grateful for their faith.  Like, after that blessing, even when I would get a negative test I would feel like “It’s still going to be ok, everything is still ok with the pregnancy.” All I could do was hope that those blessings weren't for "future realization."

I was so ready to share in the joy that others had expressed as we shared the news with some of those close to us.  Then, the day before my period was due, I still got a negative test.  I was sure that the baby had stopped growing before it really started.  I had one of those moments where suddenly it’s like I was Peter sinking in the water as my concept of reality seemed to take over my faith.  I crumpled into a ball of sobbing doubt and despair.  How could everything possibly be ok?  I was begging God not to take the baby from me because of my lack of faith.  I told Him I was doing the best I could.  I was just on edge from so many bad experiences from the past.  It felt extra hard because I had been so hopeful in thinking this baby was going to grow healthy and strong and I just expected good signs.  Signs of history repeating itself is devastating.  I started praying for some tender mercies, little signs to let me know everything was ok.

That night, on the way home from work, I almost threw up in my car.  Then I jumped out of the car and almost lost it on the grass.  I had never been so happy!  The very next morning, TWO POSITIVE tests!  God answers prayers.  One was a regular test and one was digital.  I was so comforted.  That meant that growth had been good from Monday to Thursday. 

 On Friday, I called to get a refill of my progesterone and the nurse said I needed to come in for a beta test that very day.  Beta days are hard for me.  I get so nervous about them.  I never had betas with Jack, so I’ve never actually seen them go up normally and haven’t ever ended up with good news from them.  My last baby in December 2013 started at a 2, four days later was an 89, then it almost doubled, then only grew 12% until it stopped and went down.  Since my reading on Monday had been 2.2 and it was Friday, I was hoping for at least over 50.  I was happy to find out it was 85.5!  My nurse said she was cautiously optimistic and so far everything looked good.  My progesterone looked great.  They wanted another beta done in three days.  We just needed to have the baby continue growing at the same rate.  I was praying specifically to see results over 200 soon, because we hadn't ever made it past that number.  My mom always taught me to pray for specific things- for exactly what I needed.  So I was praying for 200 and after that, planned to pray for a good ultrasound, and then a heartbeat.  The Lord had blessed us so much so far in this early pregnancy.  I truly had hope that the good news would continue. I wanted to believe in so much more than "we will be ok."  We've been through enough losses to know we'll be "ok and get through it."  I wanted to believe the baby was going to survive and be born.   

They told me if the next beta was good, they would schedule an ultrasound to confirm the pregnancy is where it needs to be, doing what it needs to be doing!

The cravings kicked in really quickly this time for some reason.  All I wanted was the Café Rio house dressing.  Delicious with just enough spicy.  I stood in a line of practically 500 people, for an hour, for some tacos with that dressing, and then ended up also buying a whole bottle of the dressing on its own.  Funny enough, there were probably half a dozen clearly pregnant women in that line with me.  It kind of made me sad though, seeing that, because I sometimes I felt like my pregnancy wasn't "as real" as theirs, because we don’t know if mine will survive.

 

But if life was easy, it wouldn’t be hard.  “Giving” your baby to the Lord is never easy, but you also come to understand that the child is His, and He knows best.  I’ve found comfort in knowing my family is sealed together, and my children are safe and cared for whether they are here with me or not.  I always find myself thinking of the lyrics to “Consider the Lillies” 

 I was amazed how much love had surrounded this little life already.  So much love and concern from so many people.  We felt the prayers.  It was such a blessing, to have so many people praying for us and the baby.  Well over 100 people sent their support and well wishes either on facebook or through texts or emails.  I got emotional even thinking about that kind of love and support surrounding us.  People fervently, sincerely praying with all of their hearts and faith- that’s a lot of blessings to help us get through anything, regardless of what is in store.

I had the thought, “Don’t be afraid that your faith will make you look like a fool if things don’t turn out how you want.  Holding back isn’t having faith.  Faith is believing despite not understanding how it could work out.”  I just kept thinking "This is my 6^th pregnancy.  I’m just so ready to meet one of my babies again.  I’m so ready to be a mom again."

Monday brought the next beta.  My arm was so sore and bruised because they have continued to use the same vein in the exact same spot multiple times in a row.  It was one of the worst blood draws I’d had in a long time.  Not to mention an agonizing five hours waiting for the results of the test.  My hCG went from 85.5 to 162.8 in almost 72 hours.  Not quite doubled and not as quickly as we had hoped.  It certainly wasn’t "over" yet, but disappointment had me weighed down.  I realized it really depended on the next beta at that point.  Up to this point, the pregnancy had been almost identical in what happened in my last one before we saw a 12% growth and a loss.  

I started to wonder why I even tried if the exact same thing was going to happen. I realized my prayer to see a beta over 200 could still be valid.  Last time the highest number we saw was in the 160s, so perhaps it was just a little early to hope for over 200.  But still, I really wanted to see at least doubling in three days to know that everything was ok and to feel reassured.  The results really turned me into a child, crying on the floor, praying in the most simple phrases.  “Please save my baby please.  I can’t do this anymore.  Not again.  I can’t.  Please have mercy.”  

My nurse called and said she was happy with the results and even though it was technically 8 points away from doubling, there’s like a 10 point variable depending on the time of day, water intake, the machine, etc.  So it had doubled and was good so far.  She said at this point, they normally wouldn’t even repeat the beta because it was well established.  But they were still worried with my history, so they planned to do one more beta to make sure everything was growing properly.  They said they’d do it in three days.  It was going to be a huge beta for us.  Like I said, the last beta at 5 weeks had only gone up 12%.  I pretty much had a breakdown that entire day.  I was thankful to see the numbers in normal range and tried to tell myself I had no reason to expect the growth to stop.

That day marked one week since we found out we were pregnant and already I had never been more  physically, mentally, and spiritually exhausted.  Just basic household things in addition to being in the middle of switching jobs felt overwhelming.  I kept going saying "If he or she stays healthy, I’ll be able to get through anything else."

  

On Tuesday I was over the meltdown and started focusing on that magic number 324 for Thursday.  I told myself, “You’re two days away from five weeks and growth hasn’t started to slow yet, so you’re already doing better than last time.”  Last time by that point I had already started having pain and horrible cramping.  Almost there.  In the meantime, the Café Rio dressing craving continued and I got to the point where I was eating it on everything.  Even sandwiches and Olive Garden breadsticks.  Haha.  Had to find something to laugh at. 

Although I had heard this hymn (How Firm a Foundation) thousands of times, the words spoke so clearly to my soul at this time when I needed comfort so desperately. 

I've written before that some of these troubles I'm experiencing seem to run in my family.  Mostly in my aunts.  One had three children that were all born small by c-section after they stopped gaining weight (they are all ok).  One miscarried twins after her first child was healthy.  One has suffered several miscarriages and two full-term stillbirths.  She has two live children.  As I was learning more about the disorder that affects my life, and realizing there really isn't enough known about how it effects pregnancy, I called one of these family members.  After spending a long time on the phone explaining everything, this relative decided she better go and get tested for MTHFR.  About a week later, she found out that she was positive, for both forms.  I couldn't believe it.  It's not exactly good news, but it felt like it.  She had been struggling and wondering for years why she had experienced the loss of so many children with no explanation. She seemed so happy and relieved to have some answers although she is passed the age where she would try again.  Other family members are in the process of learning about this genetic mutation and getting tested for it.  

After seeing my aunt suffer for so many years and having my heart break for her, I felt so blessed to somehow bring her some peace.  It was such a sweet mercy for me to feel that love.  Suddenly, for the first time, I saw some of my suffering have a greater purpose.  My hope is that if we can learn more about this disorder, I can help younger members of my family avoid some of the heartache or health risks that I've faced.  I hope I can find ways to help them improve their lives.  Being a pioneer for my family in this sense is a blessing, even though I wouldn't have chosen it for myself.  My aunt is researching more about this, and even distributing some information to doctors in her area, hoping that they can help others who may have MTHFR.

As my beta drew closer I really started to focus on the belief that the vitamins could prevent any neural tube defects (if that was truly the problem at all).  I knew I felt better on activated vitamins and could only hope that could be passed on to the baby.

 I started to believe that I might actually hold this child. After that draw I tried to quiet my soul and say "I've done everything I can do, it's out of my hands now.  I just have to wait."

My number came back at 247.1 which is higher than we've ever seen before, but not large enough of a growth.  At first I thought it was a 50% growth because I didn't do the math. I wasn't exactly sure what it meant at that point, but I knew it wasn't good. I gave up in that moment.  I felt like God must hate me. Why do we even try?! 5 babies. 5. That's more than any one person can handle.  I wanted to give up on my whole life. I felt like such an idiot for thinking anything could change. And I hated my body I despised it. I couldn't bare to lose our child. Not again. I couldn't live through it again. I wondered what our numbers with Jack were, I wondered if he pushed through low numbers. I waited for the nurse to call and explain the results and sobbed and sobbed "I can't do this anymore. I can't keep watching my friends and sisters have healthy babies while I keep losing mine. I think it might kill me." In a moment of devastation, you say a lot of things.  "Why does it always have to be ifs and maybes why can't we ever just get good news. It's supposed to be minimum 60% growth in 2 days and this beta was 3 days apart."  

I started to feel more aching and dull pain in the uterus. I wasn't sure if it was because I was losing the baby or if the baby was growing. I was afraid to hold out hope for it to be crushed again. When I realized it was a 66% growth I had a little more hope but still so confused what was happening. I just couldn't give up on this baby yet.

The nurse called and said that in the past they have seen pregnancies with numbers like this that go on to be normal, but they were concerned because it's combined with my history. The progesterone being high was reassuring to them. The doctor wanted to see me for an ultrasound the next day to see if anything was visible and if we could establish some more information.

They weren't looking for a heartbeat. they wanted to establish what they could see because they weren't happy with the rate of growth. I just hoped baby could hang in there for a while longer, then it might be ok. I really do wonder if Jack had low numbers starting out.  I think I may have even had a period with him (my due date and his size never made sense). This baby just kept giving us scares, and then somehow the next day I was still pregnant. I was so thankful for everyone else's faith because they just kept being strong when I totally gave up. 

The outpouring of love when I explained what was happening on Facebook was overwhelming. What hurts the most is how casual the situation can become. Like it's "just another one" instead of a new life all it's own that is growing but struggling.  Sometimes people don't seem to realize it gets harder with every loss not easier, and the fear and anxiety increase with each pregnancy. I was 5 weeks 2 days. 

Even though growth was slow, this was as far as I had made it without signs of an impending loss. So I decided to keep believing. Kevin and I went to the temple and prayed a lot, trying to find some comfort.  I tried to remember that the growth curve was only behind by 30%.  Surely God could make up a difference of 30%.   I decided I was thankful because I would rather be in limbo and stay pregnant than know for sure that the baby was gone.  At least in that moment I knew I was still pregnant.  

We went in for the ultrasound the next day.  I was so happy to have an ultrasound while I was pregnant.  It made my pregnancy feel more real.  The dr did find a cyst on the outside of the uterus but said it was unrelated to our losses. My endometrium was thick and healthy which they said was a great sign. The dr thought he saw a small sac developing but said it was an irregular shape and could possibly be fluid. He said it was still early so it was still possible that everything can be fine.  He decided to repeat my beta on Sunday, and basically my numbers just needed to jump and skyrocket. He said he was cautiously optimistic. They wanted to see a sac clearer soon and rule out ectopic pregnancy.  I just had to hope for a miracle, it seemed the only possible solution.  

Waiting for the beta again passed slowly, but also went way too fast.  I almost didn't want to know.  After the blood draw, it was once again an agonizing three hours trying to stay calm.  They called and my heart felt like it was going to come right out of my chest as I answered the phone.  And then I heard those dreaded words "...your numbers actually went down, I'm so sorry...."  I lost the baby. We were devastated. We had so much more confidence that everything we were doing could result in a live birth.  Especially working with a fertility clinic. We knew we would have to grieve yet again, but I still felt thankful for great doctors who are dedicated to working with us through the next few years to try and understand what has changed since Jack was born. We clearly didn't have the right answer this time.  I felt overwhelmed with grief and sorrow, and worry because I had to start my new job at the hospital the very next day.  

My reaction really is to hate my body. But I'm trying to be nice to myself. Clearly there is just something else going on that we don't understand. And I am still a mother. Which is really what I've wanted to be my whole life.  I don't know if I can accurately describe that type of devastation and anxiety I felt when I thought of trying to go to work the next day.  I thought, "How is it possible I have an all day orientation tomorrow, a meeting with the administrative assistant, lunch with my manager. It's like I can't catch a break. How will I get through the pain, mentally or physically? How do I fake it? I can't take my good drugs and focus, and I can't reschedule. They'll keep me on drugs to keep me from bleeding right away, but there's still internal pain." I made it through with a faked smile and realized I had more strength than I thought.  

The idea of adoption has not yet resonated with me as being the right thing for our family, at least for now. But with a fifth loss I'm really becoming afraid that we won't ever have another child. Blessings have talked about sustaining life and having a nurturing environment. Saying that we'll have more children. I am trying to hold out faith that those blessings will be realized in the future because now they just feel like false hope.

It's really not easy to keep the faith in these moments. Then I received a message from someone else who experienced recurrent miscarriage for many years before receiving their miracle.  With her permission, I share part of what she wrote:

    

I am so thankful to be comforted by someone who knows, really knows, how it feels. I am blessed to feel that I know Gods desire is for us not to give up. I don't know how long it will take, but I don't feel like adoption is right for us now (even though that kind of makes me feel bad) and I don't think it's time to stop trying to understand what is happening, or give up hope for another child. 

My neighbor brought a picture that reminded me that God is not cold; that He is not trying to punish me, in fact, if Jesus were here now, he would be weeping with me. I heard her crying as she gave the picture to Kevin, and that touched my heart that she felt such sympathy.

I wish I could get swallowed up in my career, in working out, in anything. But really being a mother is all my heart has ever really loved or dreamed of. So I will try to find new things that are worth while and good for my time to distract me from the hurt of consistent loss. And I'll continue focusing on being a mother. Even if I didn't get to meet this new baby. Those with infertility try every month. How could we stop trying? Those symptoms that used to be reassuring became a cruel reminder as my blood still had the pregnancy hormones flowing through. 

 I do feel angry. I gave every ounce of everything I had, did everything humanly possible, have as much faith as I could find, for just more heartache. Not once, but five times.  I found that when I felt angry or depressed, it helped to do something nice for someone else.  I sent flowers to my amazing nurse who allows me to email her at any time and has been an angel to me in any time of need, worry, or confusion. She has felt like a friend and her kindness makes it worth the drive to Sandy to be treated. 

Sometimes I feel so bad for Jack. I loved having a big family growing up and I think every kid deserves a sibling close in age. But I have to trust Heavenly fathers plan for our family. I wonder why it has to be like this. Why the loss? Why couldn't we just struggle to get pregnant instead until the time was right and then keep the baby? There's so much they can do to help you conceive. There's almost nothing they can do to keep the baby growing. Why did we feel the need to go this way instead of doing all the tests? After the car accident we both really felt like this was the right thing to do. 

I try not to define myself by my circumstances. I was the best mom to that little life for as long as I had them. I feel like less of a mom, but in a way I'm more of one. Perhaps I've had to sacrifice more for these babies and that gives me greater love.  I've had to fight so hard for my babies. Now I truly appreciate my son and the miracle that he is every day. 

I feel like part of our sorrow is mourning a loss of hope. Each time this happens it's seems less possible that we'll have another live birth.But I can't ever feel cheated. Jack is amazing. 

Little things every day are still difficult.  My mom had to return an entire box of maternity clothes that she bought me.  I told her I didn't want to see them or look at them.  That was rough.

The day I started heavily passing everything brought some more intense pain. I felt devastated because Kevin had midterms, so I had to take care of Jack until 230 in the afternoon, before taking him to a babysitter and working, getting home around midnight, with my next shift starting at 630am and going until the next afternoon. I felt so devastated because I knew I couldn't take any of the pain killers my dr prescribed with this schedule.

I started feeling so sad.  The sadness came on suddenly as the craziness settled down and any of my vices stopped being enough. A loss just feels so different than not getting pregnant. Cause then we could keep trying. Maybe it wouldn't completely tear me up in the same way. To think of that life I had inside me that we would have seen by now, heart beating away. To think I will never meet them or hold them. Like they were just a dream. Like they weren't really there. When I feel really sad I just call my mom and cry on the phone. I wish she wasn't a whole country away. She reminds me none of my babies are lost. They're mine and safe. Just not here right now. When I'm most sad I seem to find blessings to help get me through the day.  Like this card left at my house from some women in my ward at church.  The same night, two different people came and brought us dinner. "Never ever stop dreaming big crazy dreams."  I love that.

I was dreading going in for another blood draw at the clinic to confirm that all the hCG was gone.  That's what they want to see, but it's never "good news." I was so happy to run into someone I had just met, a coworker at the hospital.  I had just spoken to her last week after someone told me about her struggle with infertility. I was happy to see a new friend at the clinic. It made it less difficult. She's had a very long road also.  Situations like this give you an instant connection.  After the blood draw, I was handed a card.  I read it after I got back in the car and started to cry.  There are such good people in the world that are so full of encouragement and hope.  I love how she says "WE will get you that baby!"  It's like I have a whole team backing me up!

Through all this heartache I hear this thought resounding in my mind, "You are blessed to be in the company of strong women, and you are learning how to be even stronger."

My hCG was back to zero, so as soon as we pay off the bills for this last pregnancy (which might take a while) we'll start with some of the more expensive, in depth tests.  It is still hard to see those ultrasounds of people who were due the same time as me.  But I get through it one day at a time, one heartbreak at a time.  I am thankful for so many things, and for so many people.

Supplement Plan- Approved!!

One of the most important things I've learned on this journey is to be an advocate for your own health.  I've done a lot of research.  Like, a lot.  Because if I don't try to figure out what's going on with body, who will?  I’ve put together a daily supplement plan that *hopefully* would allow me to properly nourish a baby, despite my MTHFR (and Factor V, low protein C and S, and hypothyroidism.)  

As a side note, can I just say how thankful I am that I’ve been working in the supplement industry for the last five years?!  I feel like I would be so lost and confused even attempting to create a plan like this without my work background.  Even knowing simple things like which vitamins are water soluble, or how to split up doses is extremely helpful in attempting a plan like this.

I feel very confident in this new supplement plan.  I'm not sure if it will be the answer to our problem, but I think that being this thorough will either bring us better results, or rule it out as our main problem.  I've mentioned before that this business of recurrent pregnancy loss is a nasty game of guess and check, but there isn't really another way to go about it.  We won't know until we try.  Thankfully- I feel REALLY good about these supplements.  I feel happy about this- and I haven't really felt happy about a proposed solution in a while.  Kevin feels the same way I do.  I was reassured when I emailed my thoughts to a nurse at the fertility clinic and she "approved" the plan and wished us the best of luck.  That makes me feel that my research has not been wasted!  I may be on the right track.  Now, I'm counting on Heavenly Father to make up the difference for us if it is in His plan and timing.

 

I thought of the story of The Brother of Jared in the Book of Mormon.  He and his family were preparing to cross the ocean in new vessels that they had no experience with.  Although the vessels were water-tight, they were dark.  The Brother of Jared was praying, looking for a way that the vessels to have light.  Instead of providing him with an answer, the Lord basically told him to come up with a plan.  The Brother of Jared cleaned small stones, and asked the Lord to touch them so that they would shine.  The Lord blessed the Brother of Jared for his faith, and extended His finger to touch the stones.  Through this miracle, the stones were bright and gave light to the families during their journey.  I don’t know whether the plan I have come up with is the true solution to whatever is biochemically happening in my body.  But if the timing is correct, I know the Lord can bless my plan and have it serve the purpose He wants.  If he can help stones to shine and give light, he can turn my best efforts into miracles. 

If you would like to read this scripture story it is found in the Book of Ether, chapters 2-3. 

https://www.lds.org/scriptures/bofm/ether/2?lang=eng

It's amazing how I'm always introduced to a "friend of a friend" who has MTHFR, or found some other helpful information right at the exact time I need it.  It helps put us on the right track. Heavenly Father has everything organized.  I'm thankful for friendship- that we were put on this Earth in groups so we can help and serve each other.

I'm not exactly sure how long I will stay on these supplements before we decide to try and conceive, but I think it will be in the next couple months.  Wish us luck and healthy baby dust!

MIRACLES- Feeling God's Love For Us.

MIRACLES:

Weeks like the one we had last week are hard.  You feel like you hit rock bottom.  You wonder why it has to be so hard.  Why did we crash the car on the way to the fertility clinic?  Why did it have to eat up all the savings we had for the tests?    

And then, God's love happens.  We did our best to trust in Him, and then he reminded us how much He loves us. 

An anonymous family in the area heard what happened to us.  Apparently, they put aside a little money each month so that once a year they can serve a family.  They left a check for the exact cost of our deductible. I was sobbing.  God loves us.  I am beyond humbled.  I knelt down and through my tears, thanked Heavenly Father.  He already knew the financial burden would be lifted and we just had to trust Him.  If He had a plan for our financial needs, of course He has a plan for our future children. 

It was hard to accept the money (really hard), but I know it's a blessing from God through righteous people, and they will be blessed also because of their kindness and generosity.  They embody Christlike love.  I want to be like that family.  Someday, we will have the chance to pay it forward. 

The car accident did get us thinking about taking our fertility plans in a different direction.  But it also provided an opportunity for Heavenly Father to show His love for us.  It gave Him a chance to bless us if we could trust Him.  It gave another family the opportunity to serve.  It gave us the chance to see the example of this anonymous family and strive to be more like them.  God is good.  He is our loving Father.

One of the blessings of going through really hard trials is seeing amazing blessings along the way. 

It’s amazing because I was just collecting my thoughts and writing for another post when this happened.  We’ve discovered some hopeful medical information and have been trying to decide what direction to go in next.  It’s interesting now to read what I JUST wrote a few hours ago.  My perspective has changed so much already.  We may still wait on some of the testing, but I’ve been so blessed for the little faith that I have. 

Writing from a few hours earlier (amazing how much my attitude has changed):

It's so frustrating to feel like we've tried so many things.  Pregnancy without intervention, specialists, waiting for long stretches, going to fertility clinics, etc.  And the answer is always "no." over and over "no no no."  Just once I wish the answer would be "yes."  That we would find hope, or good news, or witness a miracle and have a live birth.  I try to trust that Heavenly Father has a better idea or plan for us down the road; but, the longer we go without good news the harder that faith is to find.

It's hard to know if I'm being faithful or just being impatient.  Moving into our current apartment seemed irresponsible, because we didn't have work or a way to pay for it, but we felt strongly we should move in, and when we acted on (what I hoped was) faith, it worked out.  Is this the same thing?  Or are we just pushing for what we want instead of listening for the Lord's will?  When emotions are so strong it's hard to discern between feelings.    

I talked to my friend who is a nurse, who called me a medical mystery, but felt like if she were me, she would try again for a pregnancy on the active folic acid.  She thinks there is a good chance it could make a difference for us.   She had a friend who suffered a few miscarraiges, and two still births before she was put on active folate, and then had healthy twins.  That was reassuring.

I talked to another friend who has been like family to me for years.  She reminded me of the eternal perspective.  If we want to see if we can have a healthy pregnancy on active folate, and progesterone before completing every test possible everything will be ok.  She said even if the worst happens, nothing is lost for us if we're righteous, and then we will know for certain that we need to spend the money to have every possible test done.  And how much of a miracle would it be, if the baby was healthy, and we were spared from going through the process of extensive fertility and DNA testing?

I'm so thankful to have talked to these friends of mine because sometimes it's hard to see my own faith until it's reflected back in their testimonies.  Because I agree with everything they've said.  I know that financially the extensive testing is quite a way down the road.  I know that we have a decent chance of resolving the problem with the new discoveries we've already found.  I probably wouldn't be headed down this direction if it wasn't for the car crash, but here we are. 

I think I keep waiting for a big spiritual sign of which direction we should go in.  Wait, try, save for testing, or some Plan C I haven't thought of yet.  But church this week reminded me that sometimes God wants us to decide and act, and trust in Him that He will make everything work out as we are doing our best, and according to His plan. 

I feel a little better because I don't think that patience is my problem right now.  If I knew with a certainty that I needed to wait another year (like an angel came down and told me that) I could certainly do it, and focus on my life happening now, and find happiness.  It's the feeling that maybe it is time to act that gets me.  I worry I'm not doing enough.  I think as I prepare and continually pray, peace will come about what to do.  We will follow that reassurance and trust that Heavenly Father has a plan for our family.

I'm still so thankful for the clinic, and I still think it is wise to work with them if we choose to attempt pregnancy.  They can still offer more help early on than anywhere else.  The doctor advised to not attempt pregnancy until every test was completed (which is wise, of course) but being in doctoral school, and living mostly on loans, we will really have to decide if that's what God wants us to do. 

While writing this, I stumbled on a huge tender mercy from another blog.  This woman’s story sounds EXACTLY like mine, and it is reassuring to see her success with what we are considering!

“MTHFR is a genetic mutation. I have the homozygous scenario --Two of my genes (1 A and 1 C) are mutated, or broken, or whatever.

Here's how my doctor explained this to me... People with MTHFR factor don't produce folic acid, vitamin B6 and vitamin B12. So, wohoo ... one might think, big deal! But on the contrary, it IS a big deal! Women with MTHFR factor have spontaneous miscarriages between 5th and 6th weeks (uh, that would be me--4 of them), and a lack of B6 and B12 directly affects rapidly reproducing cells... and that would be what an embryo does. In fact, a lack of B6 and B12 causes rapidly reproducing cells to STOP reproducing. So, my doctor put me on a massive cocktail of Baby Aspirin, Folic Acid, Vitamin B6 and B12... and I do mean MASSIVE ... and -- WOW... what a difference! I got an instant jolt of energy, and come to find out, that's how I should have been feeling if I didn't have this MTHFR factor!

I take 2 milligrams of Folic Acid, 100 mg of B6, and 250 micrograms of B12. I also took (notice I say "took") a baby aspirin daily until I had a positive pregnancy test in February. Then, I only stopped the aspirin, but continued everything else. Surprisingly, my prenatal vitamin only had 1 milligram of Folic Acid, 3 milligrams of B6, and 8 micrograms of B12. That's nothing in comparison with what I take now!!! By the way... I take regular old over the counter vitamins. I could get a prescription for the Folic acid, but why bother. It's cheap enough.

I started this cocktail back in November. I had my next IVF transfer in January, and am now, for the first time in my life, carrying a healthy and happy baby. I'm 15 weeks pregnant. After 15 years (that's not a typo!) of non-stop trying to get pregnant with a ton of different doctors, I'm finally pregnant ... I just want to cry tears of joy each time I think of our baby, or see him or her on the ultrasound machine. My heart is overflowing with joy!

And ... I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that this diagnosis and corrective action (vitamin cocktail) is what my successful pregnancy is attributed to.”

Reading this I feel confident that these issues are related to our losses, if not the only cause.  And I can’t help but wonder, “how...is...jack...here...”

Because, miracles.  That’s how.

Stuck.

*First of all, I apologize for the length of this post.  There were several stories and events I wanted to touch on that have formed my current attitude and situation.  Perhaps I shouldn't leave so much time between posts.

Ever feel like no matter what direction you go in, it seems to be the wrong direction and nothing works out?  That’s how we’ve been feeling lately.  But I’ll get to all of that later on.  These past few months have been really hard!  We’ve had so much hope that we’re headed in the right direction.  And we’ve encountered so many obstacles that we either really are on the right path, and are facing adversity, or on the totally wrong path.  You can’t force things to work out- you just have to have the faith that if you do your best, things will work themselves out.  But doing your best isn’t just a cliché.  I mean, you really have to do the very best you can, all the time.

I met a few people over the past couple of months that have shared things with me, that have changed my attitude a bit.  

One of these people was a man I met just the day after our fertility consultation.  He came in to my work (The Vitamin Shoppe) specifically wanting the active form of B12.  He told me he had a genetic predisposition that made it impossible for his body to process inactive B vitamins.  I asked him if he had MTHFR.  Turns out he did, just like me.  We talked about it for a while.  I told him it wasn't diagnosed for me until we had experienced several miscarriages.  It wasn't diagnosed for him for a long time either, until after he had been experiencing seizures.  I couldn't believe that, seizures!  He explained that once he got on activated B vitamins, the seizures stopped.  I knew that B vitamins were really important for the nervous system, but he explained in greater detail how critical they are, even for things like nourishing the myelin sheaths.  It was after this conversation that I realized what a big deal active folic acid could be for me. Folate is critical when cells are dividing and growing very quickly (hello, early pregnancy.)  If the growing baby had no access to folic acid because I wasn't absorbing any, it doesn't seem so crazy to think I would have miscarried several times.  Especially in combination with my blood issues.  Kevin and I were excited at the prospect that just maybe, we've found an answer that could help bring us a healthy baby.  Also after learning that, we are even more confused how Jack made it here happy and healthy.  But, he is simply a miracle and the exception to everything else we learn about my health problems.  

I'm thankful my medical doctor understood the importance of vitamins, especially in their active form.  Kevin and I started on high quality vitamins right away.  I wanted to get the prescription prenatal, but even after insurance it's more than 100 dollars a month (though I think I can get it half price somewhere).  My doctor said it was fine to take everything separately if it was more cost effective.  Since I work in supplements and get a discount, it was less money to split everything up.  Vitamins have taken over my kitchen.  I've done research and am glad I have access to the best stuff!  Now I'm not only taking metafolin, but the quatrefolic form as well.

The second person I spoke to who changed my attitude was a woman I met at work.  She came as a representative for one of our companies.  My heart when out to this woman because she had known a life with great tragedy.  She had married young and had three children close together.  While her children were still very young, her husband committed suicide.  She has since remarried and had two more children, but it's obvious that those dark days from the past leave some scars.  We were discussing supplementation, specifically in regards to hormonal supplementation for women.  She asked if I had ever taken hormones and asked if I had ever had trouble with pregnancy.   When I told her yes and explained the things I'd tried with our losses, she asked "How far would you make it with the babies?"  When I told her I hadn't made it past 2 months since being pregnant with Jack, she sighed and said "Well that's a relief, at least it wasn't devastating then."  I think my jaw about hit the floor.  Not only was that incredibly offensive, but it is the very definition of devastation in my mind!  It is so devastating to do everything you can to try and preserve a life, and to lose it so soon again and again.  I think what was most shocking to me is that this woman was no stranger to pain, loss, mourning, loneliness, and devastation.  I am in no way trying to compare our trials or saying my losses were as horrible as having a spouse take their own life, I would never say that.  What it taught me however, was to develop empathy for others.  I remembered so clearly in that moment, that I need to allow my pain and sadness help me to feel more compassionate towards those around me and understand their pain, even if it is from a very different circumstance.    

The third person I spoke to who had an impact on me was a Zumba instructor I met at the Rec Center.  She taught the Zumba class that I forced myself to go to.  I could tell she was pregnant and starting to show.  She made an announcement to the class that it would be her last time teaching because she has a really hard time staying pregnant.  Turns out that's why she was showing so clearly at only 6 weeks, she had been through more pregnancies than she could number.  I went and spoke to her after class, and gave her a hug.  It is so comforting to find people who are going through the same kind of anxiety.  She and her husband have an 8 year old and a 2 year old.  She said between the two children they had gone through countless losses, and some stillborns.  They never found anything wrong with the babies.  They've never found anything wrong with her.  It was comforting to see her strength- like she had accepted her trial and took ownership of it.  It helped me settle into the idea that having children will not be easy for me- it probably never will be.  The sooner I accept that the better.  She had no shame about trying over and over for a healthy pregnancy, despite any negative feedback she received from others.  She told me "The surefire way to NOT ever have another baby, is to stop trying.  You just have to keep trying."  It's a vicious cycle of pain, but I can only imagine the joy when a miracle finally comes.  During the losses, you heal, you trust God, you give it some time, and then, you try again.  When you feel that maternal/paternal force telling you that another child belongs in your family, you follow that feeling.  It's important, no matter if the child stays with you on Earth, or waits for you in Heaven.  She helped me solidify the fact that I was ready for the next step.

The next step was getting the implanon removed.  I was worried about it for days.  I kept telling myself "it won't be as bad as you think."  Oh, but it was, and worse.  Since I have such a hard time getting numb, they really did quite the number on my arm.  It was so hard to sit still when I felt like I was being tortured.  Kevin said it looked like they were just filleting my arm with the needle.  I have some pretty interesting scars from the procedure now.  The worst part was that I had some sort of a reaction to the steri-strips and it caused my skin to stick and blister.  Water burned like acid, and trying to removing the strips took hours, because it was just taking the skin with it.  I ended up using Vaseline, qtips, tweasers, and scissors. #implanon #neveragain.  Seriously, it was awful.  I'm so glad it's over now.   

aftermath

trying to get the strips off without taking the skin off

ironically looks like a smiley face

Once the hormonal birth control was gone, it took a couple of weeks for me to start my period.  Once that happened, Kevin and I felt happy again.  It felt so good to be moving forward.  I was frustrated with the weight gain from the implant, but happy that we had crossed off one hard thing to work towards our goal.  

 Kevin and I have had a girl's name picked out for years, in case we ever had a daughter.  Sometimes when we dream about our next child, we imagine a girl with this name.  It's my happy thought.  The name is from a song.  It's not a popular song, and it's an old song now, but it embodies this precious dream that we have.  On the 4th of July weekend, we were out to dinner (just the two of us) and suddenly this special song came on the radio.  I don't know exactly why it made me so emotional, but I just burst into tears, right there at the table.  I just felt like it was a sign, like Heavenly Father was telling me not to give up on my dream.  Kevin smiled and grabbed my hand and said "She's going to come someday.  She really is."  

I later tried to talk the incident down, not wanting to get my hopes up.  Only a month later, the same thing happened when Jack and I picked up Kevin from school to grab some lunch.  When I heard the song coming through the radio, I cried, again.  I thanked God for this tender mercy and little boost of hope.  I don't remember hearing this song on the radio for years and years, and suddenly, twice in a month.  I remembered that God loves me.  It is so hard to stay positive.  But the way I see it, either things stay the same with this situation, or they get better.  I've survived it so far, so I can just look forward with hope to when it gets better.  It is just so scary to believe in miracles.  It leaves you vulnerable.  But I guess that's the point, or else it wouldn't be faith. 

It was after these little signs that I started getting impatient again.  After learning how important the new vitamins were, we wondered, "Do we really need to do all those other tests?  If the vitamin and progesterone alone solve our problem, we could avoid so much emotional and financial stress.  It's a probable solution.  Or would we be risking a life if we didn't take every step we could into investigating what might be going on with my body during pregnancy?  Is all the testing necessary?"  I prayed and prayed about it, but didn't feel a specific answer, and so we just waited and did nothing for a while.  Aside from scraping our budget and trying our best to save money for tests.

We decided to write down our goals that would help us feel "ready."  Not because we didn't want to try right away, but because we knew we probably shouldn't yet.  Pregnancy is a very stressful and emotionally trying time for us- especially because we somewhat expect them to only last a few weeks.  It has to be a time when we're healthy physically and also ready spiritually to handle whatever comes our way.

Sometimes the loneliness of our lost pregnancies and the longing for another child comes on very suddenly and I have to breathe through it for a minute- the pain is just so strong and the sadness can have quite a grip on your heart.  But I've learned to take a minute, feel the hurt, breathe, and remind myself to be patient and think of what is good now.

One hard decision we had to make was about my Medical Transcription Editing program.  We decided that I needed to drop out of it.  I wrote about it online and it helped me work through the decision.  I hated feeling like a quitter.

  "...I've considered every aspect and shed some tears over it, but we have decided that I'm going to drop out of my Medical Transcription Editing program.  Our life has taken us in a much different direction than what we anticipated when I signed up for it a year ago.  I loved it and I learned a lot (and luckily my mom always taught me that education is never wasted) but something has got to give.  I don't think I can put money in to purchase another extension or two because it is just not getting done.  With Kevin focusing on his doctorate and me working up to 30 hours a week, a household to run, and a son to raise...there would be no peaceful moment if I were also trying to do school.  I would need to put in 20 hours a week to finish even with a 4 month extension.  It's a quality of life kind of decision.  I could do it, but I would never sleep, the dishes would never get done, helping Kevin study would be out of the question, and Jack would never get to go to the park basically.  I also don't know how I would work from home a couple hours a day because it's been extremely difficult to do it for free with a toddler at home.  This must be a job you do when your kids are in elementary.  Grateful for what I learned. It sucks we put money into this program, but Kevin's is more important (and much more expensive) and mine is all paid for now. I don't want to pay more, it's just not working for us. It's a pride thing, I've never really quit anything, but I'm trying to do what's best for all of us."

That was hard, but necessary for focusing on our goals and running the household more effectively.  With school out of my way, we started more seriously discussing "Should we wait and try to pay for all the tests?  Should we try for a baby with what we know so far?  Is it risking a life?  Is it the right thing?"  We decided to go to the temple and pray together.  I was hoping for some sort of miracle to inspire me as to what the right choice was.  We sat together in the Celestial Room and I started to pray.  I told Heavenly Father, "Some days and nights are saturated with pain.  Of the loss.  Of life passing by and wondering how patient I’m capable of being.  I think baby lonely is an appropriate term of how I'm feeling."  I started crying in the temple.  I've never shed tears of sorrow in a holy place before, only tears of joy.  I've never been in such a stupor of thought about everything before.  But the whole experience taught me that instead of always just listening for the perfect solution to come from God, I need to spend more time praying and telling Him how I feel.  I felt like I needed to focus more on making myself holier, so I could recognize inspiration more clearly when it comes.  

   

You can believe in miracles, but you can't force them to happen.  And they are hard to wait for.  We decided to wait to try for another baby until all testing had been completed.  It was a hard choice, but it seemed like the most responsible thing to do.  I started working on getting the long list of all the tests I needed.  It was all very overwhelming, and I was hoping that everything would work out ok.  I spent hours on the phone with the insurance companies, the nurses, billing departments, etc.  It was a very frustrating process.  Especially because there's not really an exact cost estimate until after a procedure or test has been done.  

Finally, I had everything in order.  We were ready to start testing, we just needed to wait for my period to come so we could start the testing at the right time in my cycle.  And then life happened.  We've been preventing pregnancy since I've been off my hormonal birth control to prepare for the testing.  But after a "mishap" the day before ovulation according to my calendar, I started to panic a little.  I knew there was a chance I could find myself pregnant at the end of the month, and really didn't know what to do.  After a few days of worry I contacted my nurse, and she got me started on all the meds I needed to be on "just in case."  I had never felt so well taken care of, and we felt at peace with the situation.  I felt like if I was pregnant, the baby had a better chance than any of the others.  This was the clinic I had been waiting for, they were so on top of everything and just as determined as me to make the potential pregnancy have a good outcome.  We started to believe that maybe this "mishap" was a gift from God.  Maybe everything would be fine, and He would spare us from all the burdens that come with testing.  

The two week wait to find out was torture.  Especially because I had every pregnancy symptom in the book, but I knew it could be caused by the hormonal medication instead of a pregnancy.  All those emotions came flooding back.  Let the mind games begin.  I tried not to take anything as a sign because I was too afraid to get my hopes up and I'm too afraid to expect miracles. It would be too good to be true. I would pray "If we're pregnant, please just give us a heartbeat this time Lord.  Let me keep it long enough to see a heartbeat."  Soon I found out another close family member was expecting and I started imagining how wonderful it would be if our babies were born close together.  I was still feeling that enormous anxiety, but once I increased my active folate and got these unbearable headaches, I remembered it was a good sign that the folate was actually doing something in my body.  I tried to keep hope.  I needed good thoughts and faith to overpower my fear.  I knew I couldn't get so caught up in tiny "what if" details.  I needed to do my best and give the rest to God.  I have to always be proactive. Always be researching. Always being careful about every small thing I do with my body or what I eat. I have to fight for my babies to live. It doesn't come easy, but I will keep fighting.  

daily cocktail

When it came close to the time to start testing, all the anxiety skyrocketed.  Did I really want to see a positive test?   A positive pregnancy test sure doesn't mean what it used to for me. My soul leaps for joy " hooray I'm pregnant!" But my brain adds on "for now". Pregnancy no longer equals a baby in my mind or reality and I have to fight that feeling constantly. Sure I could be pregnant, but in my mind it's not the same as my friends and neighbors around me with beautiful big bellies. My pregnancies don't give me babies like theirs. They are so joyful and I get so sorrowful and depressed. 

I went to the clinic twice that week to get betas drawn and progesterone levels checked (since I was supplementing)  and guess what, NEGATIVE.  I wasn't pregnant.  We were surprised how sad we were, after thinking this could be our miracle.  But we were also relieved.  It's better to not be pregnant than to have a loss.  It was a hard two weeks to go through, but I guess in a way it reaffirmed that we needed to do the testing and get as much information as possible.  It was good to have a "practice run" of what pregnancy will require from me.  I feel somewhat nervous about the procedures, but it's nothing in comparison to finding some answers.  The whole experience showed me that I do in fact have some hope left!  I really felt ok during those "could be pregnant"  weeks.  After we found out the test was negative, I stopped the progesterone supplements and waited for my period to start.

We were so excited to start testing!  We had a financial plan, babysitters lined up, everything.  We were ready to go.  The day before our first tests, we hit a bump in the road.  Kevin's school emailed and explained that since he had to take extra credits in this upcoming semester, they were charging an additional 1100 dollars.  That money came out of our living stipend.  I felt like I got punched in the stomach.  300 dollars less a month in the budget from our loan.  That was the money I had set aside to make payments on the testing. So we spent a day moving money around and stressing, but in the end decided it was still possible for us to continue the testing.  We felt that it was important enough to be worth the sacrifice.  But Heavenly Father had other plans.  

The next morning, we were joyfully on our way to the clinic.  Before we even got out of Provo, we were in a car accident.  The second we smashed into that car I was shaking and started to cry because all that was going through my mind was "There goes all our savings.  There goes everything we had timed for this month.  The answer is still no.  We still have to wait longer."  Since Kevin was the driver at fault, we have to pay our deductible.  And once again, we are now stuck.  Not a single penny for these tests.  Life is hard sometimes. And God works in mysterious ways.  I'm thankful we were driving our car with full coverage and that is worth some money, unlike our other car. I'm glad our car has great safety ratings. I am especially thankful that we had dropped Jack off at a friend's 3 minutes earlier. I have some whiplash, and Kevin's thumb is numb, but we are all safe. And that's all that really matters. I'm glad we had some money saved up regardless (even though it's not quite enough). I'm thankful that I can feel some peace, even in a hard situation like this. In a strange way I'm glad it happened on the way to the doctor instead of on the way back when the money would have been already spent.  I really can't relive the accident in my mind without feeling sick to my stomach.

What now?  Where do we go from here?  How many months will it take us to dig ourselves out of debt to even think about saving again for more tests?  Is the Lord just continuing to teach us patience or seriously should we just give up trying for more kids, because sometimes it just feels like we’re punished every time we do.  I don’t really mean that- but it sure feels like it sometimes.

My neck isn't supposed to be this straight.  I was told the lack of curvature is due to muscle spasms from the whiplash. ow. :(

I feel stuck.  If we try to get pregnant on our own, we miscarry.  If we try to do testing, money gets taken away from our budget.  If we try to actually go to the clinic for an appointment, we get in a car crash that eats up all our savings plus some.  I'm so frustrated.  But I still have the feeling that somehow this is a mercy for us from God, because He has something better in mind for us, or He understands why things need to be timed differently.  I'm devastated (and sore) but I trust in God, and if He feels that it is important for us to go through this pain and this stress before we can even do testing, then I will bear that burden.  

Again- Jesse Clark Funk

I’ve wrestled with demons and darkness.

I’ve wrestled with what has been lost.

I carry this crushing weight on my shoulders

And try not to think of the cost.

It’s more than a single decision.

It’s giving up part of myself.

It’s something I simply can’t do on my own

So I’m pleading with You for Your help.

Chorus-

Again and again

I’ve asked myself why.

I don’t think that I have any tears left to cry.

My soul is so tired and I’m longing for rest.

I’m giving my all and I’m doing my best.

It hurts to move on from the place I am in.

But You understand where I’ve been

And You reassure me it’s time to start over

Again.

I’m finally ready to listen.

I’m finally ready to hear,

Struggling to get a place You can reach me,

Where peace can speak louder than fear.

I can’t see the end of the story.

There’s no way to know how it ends.

For now I let go and I trust You to lead me

And show my heart where to begin.

Repeat Chorus

All of the pain and confusion I’m going through

I’m turning it over to You,

Willing to trust it’s the right thing to do.