The week started out normally enough. I was just recovering from the scare last week and trying to stay positive. I have been getting more nauseated- which is ironic because I've already gained five pounds. I eat so much better now- mostly just fruit and salad, protein when I can handle it. I always crave water. I think the five pounds is likely water weight and bloat so I'm not too worried about it and this point.
Halfway through the week I started shopping for my bridesmaid dress for my brother's wedding. When he gets married I should be about five months along. That means I definitely need a maternity dress for the big event. I spent a few hours looking around and felt this heavy sadness settle over me. I felt like I was kidding myself. Did I really think my baby would live until August? Did I really think my belly would be big enough to need maternity clothes? It just seemed so surreal and so much like a fairy tale that I was struggling to accept it. I went home that night upset, but tried to be calm and serene. I went to bed telling myself that tomorrow would be better.
I woke up at 4am to blood. Again. The room just started spinning. The "bleed" they thought they saw before was gone, so what could this be? It was worse than last time because I was passing really small clots. Once again, I thought, "This is it." I totally broke down. How much can one heart take?
I laid in bed, unable to sleep, from 4 until 830am when I could call the doctor. Kevin reluctantly got up to leave for work at 630. I imagine it's difficult to leave home with that kind of worry hanging over you. A dear friend of mine came over a little after 7 so she could just sit with me until I could call the office. It was her actual due date, so I was surprised by her compassion to leave home and try to help me. She got Jack breakfast and let me just crash and burn on the couch. It was hard to have someone over when I felt so vulnerable and couldn't even control my crying- but I was thankful to not be alone.
The office managed to squeeze me in between patients at a different location later that morning. Kevin was able to join me for the appointment. Sitting in that waiting room was brutal. Everyone around me was finding out the gender of their babies and celebrating and I just felt tears burning behind my eyes. Trying to search for hope again. All I could think was that my baby should be starting to get color in their eyes- and here I was bleeding again.
I talked with the most compassionate ultrasound tech I've ever met with and she was soothing and kind to me. With a deep breath we started the ultrasound to see what was happening. Then- there was baby. And there was baby's perfect heartbeat. I started crying, overwhelmed with relief. As we continued the ultrasound we found a subchorionic hemmorhage. I was pretty upset to see that this pocket of blood was next to baby. It really concerned me. It wasn't extremely large and I knew that they can sometimes resolve themselves- but I really didn't want any complications! After that appointment, I went over to the Provo hospital for a blood draw to recheck my thyroid. Thankfully the new dose of medicine seems to be working. For now my thyroid is one less thing to worry about.
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| Hello my beautiful gummy bear |
My neighbor took care of Jack while I was gone. She said Jack had asked if he could pray for the baby when they had lunch. I'm so lucky to have him and his faith. I told him the baby was ok and he exclaimed, "Thanks to Jesus!" I needed a smile and a laugh. Whenever I tell him that baby is doing good he says, "Yess!" and does this motion:
After resting a bit, I began agonizing over a decision to be made: to continue the aspirin or not. It's an issue not well studied or proven. It's an issue that all my doctors are split 50/50 on. It's two totally opposing schools of thought. I can find proof for either side. I obviously don't want to increase bleeding and I don't want the subchorionic hemmorhage to grow. I also don't want to risk baby getting a clot in the cord or for the SCH itself to turn into a giant clot- which the aspirin helps prevent. I can't describe how hard this decision was for me. Especially because my blood has clotting factors. I read and read any research I could find. I asked for personal stories. I vented and hashed it out and prayed and prayed. I know people who have had early losses or stillbirths due to SCH. I've known others who bled heavily the whole pregnancy and still had a healthy baby. There really is just no way to know. Some people I talked to were VERY passionate about their conviction, one way or the other. SO many conflicting opinions. I even got to the point where I was taking a poll out of curiosity.
In the end, the best decision I could come up with is to continue the aspirin unless I am actively bleeding or the SCH is growing larger. It may be difficult to track that considering my OB doesn't think I need another ultrasound until 20 weeks. Three more months. Will my anxiety allow me to last that long?! I guess that's why I also have an MFM- in case we really need to check on baby. Thankfully, as of now, the bleeding has stopped again. I'm still taking it easy. No lifting or any kind of strenuous activity. Whenever I feel nervous I just lay in bed or sit on the couch and remind myself that a clean house isn't as important as a healthy baby.
I had my regular OB appointment today. She wasn't even planning to do an ultrasound but I begged to be able to check on the bleed. I feel so much better after seeing it today. The rough estimate of the SCH is 16x14mm- smaller than baby's sac. Thankfully the sac looks perfect and round. Baby looks beautiful! I got to HEAR the heartbeat today instead of just seeing it- and there is not a more emotional sound in the world. It makes it real. Hearing another heartbeat happily pounding away. There's no way to deny that life.
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| Hello beautiful baby! The measurement shows from the head to the bum :) |
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| I love looking at and hearing that heartbeat |
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| Here's a picture of the bleed in relation to where baby is hanging out |
They drew more blood and did other "normal check up" stuff at the OB. They want to see me again in a month (we'll see if I can still talk them into an ultrasound then haha.) I'm still trying to get my insurance to cover the prescription prenatal that I need- but I'd rather battle insurance than active bleeding so I can't complain.
Overall, I am...happy! I keep quoting My Big Fat Greek Wedding. "We never think this day would come, never!" I'm still trying to believe that after 6 losses I have a healthy baby in there!! I couldn't do it without all of you amazing people that God put in my life. He knew I couldn't do it alone. Keep praying, it's working for us! Baby sends a high five. Just look at that adorable little hand!
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| (Just think of the size in reference to a screenshot) |
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