This week started out great, as I wrote in my last post, we saw baby's heartbeat and normal development. In the few days that followed, my anxiety was lessened slightly and I tried to focus on being excited. I even allowed myself to buy the first item of baby clothing. I love these cute little pj's! Who can turn down organic cotton? I'm a sucker for all things Burt's Bees. I bought it as an act of faith (trying to encourage myself)- but I still saved the receipt because the idea of another baby still feels like a fairy tale. I have since thrown the receipt away- go me!
Jack has been so excited since we told him the news. It has been a sweet experience to hear his prayers and thoughts regarding the baby. He is going to have a hard time waiting for December- he wants to be a big brother now! I can't wait to see them together. He has asked me "if this baby is going to die, or be a miracle baby like him." I always try to reassure him despite my fears. We had a great time at the zoo this last weekend with all the fertility clinic patients at our annual party. It felt great to be one of the pregnant ones there. I saw all the other little miracles and was reminded that maybe everything would actually be ok.
I noticed some spotting. It was old blood, so I knew I shouldn't be overly concerned. A little bit of old blood discharged can be normal in pregnancy. I took a deep breath, turned on the shower for the steam, to try and help with the congestion, and sat in the bathroom trying to stay calm. Kevin came in and I tried to tell him calmly that I noticed old blood- that it was probably nothing, but my emotions took over. I had a bit of a panic attack. I never had bleeding with Jack. All of my losses started with me seeing old blood. It was the worst trigger I could imagine. I was trying so hard to have faith but I was worried the bleeding would pick up. Kevin sat with me until my sobs subsided. I reluctantly went to bed, knowing that we wouldn't know one way or the other until more time passed. I was hoping that morning would come without any more signs of a problem.
I snapped awake at 230am. Something felt off. Cramping and pain. I walked to the bathroom to clean myself up, dreading what I might find. And, sure enough, soaking through the tissue was bright red blood and fluid. I numbly walked into the bedroom, turned on the lamp, and woke Kevin to tell him I was bleeding. Really bleeding. In that moment. my heart broke. How could this happen? My 8th pregnancy? After the baby was growing so well? Was it really my ability to carry all along?
My brother came over about 3 to sit with Jack and Kevin and I went to the hospital. I got more compassion at the hospital than I expected. Miscarriages are common and there's nothing they can do to stop them. Just diagnose them and maybe prescribe some pain medication. But it wasn't like we could just try again! This wasn't a loss between babies 2 and 3- this was our miracle baby. After 6 losses. Finally we had a healthy baby and now perhaps my womb was rejecting it. I knew that no one would understand that. Sitting in the waiting room I felt so angry. How was I supposed to live through this? Where could I possibly go from here? Were we entirely out of options? It was Mother's Day. Mother's Day! It felt like a cruel joke- like getting kicked when I was down. We couldn't stop thinking about Jack. How excited he was. I felt like I let him down.
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| most miserable middle of the night trip ever |
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| Candid picture of a loving (and worried) daddy and husband |
The time came and they wheeled my bed back to ultrasound. I was so numb waiting for the news that baby had died. And then. A heartbeat! It didn't even register in my mind. After 6 losses, we have never had good news after bleeding. Ever. We have a little fighter on our hands! He or she was absolutely beautiful.
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| Happy Mother's Day Miracle |
The ultrasound tech even let us take an "illegal video" during the procedure. Since it was mother's day and all. You can see the heartbeat in the video (that gorgeous little flicker):
The hospital thought I may have a subchorionic hemorrhage- basically a bleed in the womb. I knew that was the best possible outcome for the situation, but it's still nerve racking. I have known people that lost babies to these bleeds, and others who had healthy babies in spite of them. The hardest thing for me to square with was the fact that we finally get a normally developing baby, and then we have a totally different complication come up. It's a trial of faith. I should have known this wasn't going to be easy for us. Fortunately I was no longer on the Lovenox injections. They had me stop the aspirin too until I could talk to a specialist. They discharged me basically on modified bed rest until I could go get the bleed checked out by the MFM and see what we were up against. It looked like the bleed was away from the gestational sac which was reassuring. The doctor discharged us saying he wasn't sure which way the pregnancy would go, but for now, the baby was ok. That's all I could ask for at the moment.
When we got home that morning, maybe around 8am, I was exhausted in every way possible. Physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, you name it. I thought we would put a movie on for Jack and try to sleep for an hour or two, but, it was Mother's Day, and Kevin went right to work making me breakfast in bed. Seriously you guys <3 Then he stayed up with Jack and let me sleep until the early afternoon. I woke up feeling pretty numb, probably from the sheer amount of emotions I had experienced in a short period of time.
We spent the rest of Mother's Day with family and everyone jumped on board Operation: Save Baby. I had so much love and support from everyone. I spent the day laying on my left side as much as possible, and the bleeding slowed down until it stopped. My hubby, brothers, and brothers in law gave baby and I a beautiful priesthood blessing of healing. I felt comforted and reassured.
The next day I went to the Maternal Fetal Medicine clinic, nervous as ever. They checked on baby and said everything looked great. They didn't see any sign of a major bleed. Baby's heart rate and size were right on. What a miracle. I didn't have to stay on bed rest, and I've started my aspirin again. I'm just trying to take it easy. I feel so strongly that the Lord blessed me through the priesthood and really healed the issue. I have my next ultrasound in a week at the regular OB office. I hope we don't have to endure any more scares before then.
The only other issue this week was my concern about my prescription Deplin. It's 15mg of converted folate for people with MTHFR to be able to absorb it. In doses that high it's used also as a medical food to help treat depression. I started wondering if the dose was way too high to be considered safe for baby. Keep in mind a normal dose for pregnant women is closer to 800 MICROGRAMS. With all the research I did and all the medical staff I contacted- the best we could come up with is that it's "probably" safe but has not been studied. It didn't sit well with me. It's hard to get toxic levels of folate since it's water soluble, but I didn't want to be taking anything that may give baby extreme doses of anything. Kevin and I were kind of concerned about me switching at 7 weeks, especially after having been on it for 2 years- but I think going to a prescription prenatal plus an additional supplement will be safer. It will be closer to 2mg folate instead of 15. Just in case. I'll probably get nasty migraines going off the Deplin and may start to feel more depressed, but I think I'll feel better playing it safe. I'm just doing the best I can. Usually the docs leave the decisions up to me when it comes to this stuff. I just try to be prayerful. It starts early- not knowing what is best for your kids. Hahaha.
When I was driving back home after all the appointments were over and I was just told to rest up for the week as much as possible- I saw the most beautiful rainbow. It seemed to cover the whole valley. I felt a warm smile spread inside me. It was a reminder to me that God keeps his promises- just as it was a reminder to Noah. Keep growing little rainbow- we already love you so much it hurts.
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| I asked Jack to take a picture of the rainbow for me- I got about 50 of these. |
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