9 week update

We made it through another impossibly long week!  These weeks really do drag on and the days feel long- so every milestone is a celebration!  The week was not flawless- I did have some more bleeding unfortunately.  That was about 6 days ago now and things seemed to have settled since then.  It's still concerning to me- mostly because the doctor didn't check baby after the last bit of bleeding and I missed that reassurance.  I had one day with some bad cramping, but no bleeding, so as long as those symptoms are separate I think it's ok.

I do love thinking about baby at this point- most of his or her body parts are in place and developing now.  Baby has working joints and distinct facial features- and is about the size of a grape!  It's amazing to think about.

haha the girl in the picture has a much smaller bump than me!

My nausea has picked up immensely this week.  I remember 8-9 weeks being around the time I started feeling more sick during my pregnancy with Jack.  I'm taking that as a good sign- although I never feel satisfied with symptom watching.  It has been harder to eat enough and to get my vitamins down- but I'm managing and have it better than lots of women.  I spend more unproductive time than I would like.  Luckily for me, my bestie brought me an awesome care package to help pass some of those useless hours in bed when I feel too sick to move (or am trying to keep bleeding under control.)

I'm a lucky girl

After waiting so long for a healthy baby bump, I'm surprised that I'm struggling a bit with self image.  My belly has just blown up.  I always looked further along than I was with Jack- and since he was over 9 pounds at birth, I'm still nice and stretched out.  I hold my extra weight around my middle to start with- and even though baby is only an inch- my uterus is now the size of a grapefruit, pushing everything out!  I can't hide the belly or suck it in anymore and it's already becoming a topic of conversation.  I think the reason it bothers me is that I'm still very concerned and it feels too early for the public to see it.  But- there's nothing I can do about it.  So I'm trying not to be embarrassed and trying to embrace it instead.  Here's to being happy about showing!  Something I've waited on for a very long time.

I took this picture at 8 weeks (and I've already grown)

I am trying to continually ease my anxiety.  I am still frustrated that no one will check the subchorionic hemorrhage for growth or resolution at this point.  I just want to know what is happening.  I will probably be able to convince a doctor to check it if I have more bleeding- but I'm not sure that I want that either!  The MFM won't see me again without another referral from the OB.  The OB doesn't even want to do a 12 week scan.  So unless something changes- I still have 11 long weeks ahead of me before I can check on baby and the hemorrhage again.  I tell myself everything is fine unless I have a reason to believe otherwise.  I do wonder, however, if the SCH were growing, how it would influence my decision to continue with aspirin daily.  There are private companies you can pay to just do ultrasounds- even just to find out the gender after 14 weeks.  I don't really have money for it now, but if I can't convince anyone to check- at least we have an option if the anxiety is too great.  

I think finding out the gender early would help me bond a bit with the baby- as long as I was sure it was accurate haha.  If I had all the money in the world I would pay for one of the 3D ultrasounds later on- so we could get a clear picture of baby's face.  I just don't know how everything is going to turn out- and every memory I have recorded helps ease my heart in case we do have another loss.  I've tried to bond more with this baby but it is hard since we haven't brought home the last six.  I framed the best picture I have of baby and put it next to my picture of Jack in my room.  I love seeing them together.  It makes me smile and think, "Wow- TWO kids!"

My kiddos

Since it may be almost three more months before we see baby again- I did buy a fetal doppler.  I thought if I could check the baby's heart once a week or when I have bleeding episodes, it would help with the panic and avoid sending us right to the hospital.  I was originally against them because it's so scary if you can't find the heartbeat.  I read lots of stories of girls finding a good heartbeat on a doppler at 8 or 9 weeks along.  I watched all the videos and tips on youtube and waited until the 9 week mark.  Then I tried for an hour to find the heartbeat with no luck :(  It was more devastating than it should have been.  I really thought if I kept trying I would eventually get it.  I'm not assuming that baby is in trouble- but I was really wanting some peace of mind and reassurance.  Now I am slightly more worried than I was.  It's troubling to not pick up a heartbeat.  However, I know sometimes even trained professionals can't find them so early.  I don't think doctors usually try with a doppler until 12 weeks.  I will try to be patient.  I just wish I could have been one of the girls to find it early!

Even with so much to be thankful for, I feel like my depression and anxiety has increased since I've been off my Deplin.  I'm full of hormones (which normally make you extra emotional at this point) and I'm in a very stressful situation.  Some days my energy is so low that I struggle to make Jack lunch before sitting down again to rest.  I have emotional outbursts where I cry incessantly because I feel disgusted in myself and how little I've accomplished in a day (and the days feel sooo long.)  Like you think I could at least empty the dishwasher or at least PLAN something for dinner.  I let Jack watch way too much TV and he's so bored.  I'm always scared of what's happening with the baby (and the bleed) and I think it just settles heavily on me.  Overall, this is a small amount of time, and life will be more normal again one day.  I try to end each day saying, "Tomorrow will be a better day.  I will try again."

I think our financial situation is taking more of a toll on my emotional state than usual.  I try not to complain about money too much- Kevin is finishing a doctorate where he doesn't get paid to work- it's what we signed up for.  We don't get paid again until September and I know what we have is not going to be enough.  We've made it this far, either with help from family or little miracles along the way- and I know we'll manage.  I think the fact that I may actually be bringing this baby home has made me realize how tight it's going to be and it's just scary.  If I went back to work we would lose our assistance to get us through school and our insurance (and I can't make enough to cover that difference.)  So I just have to breathe through it.  It's a scary few months, but Kevin should graduate about 3 weeks before baby is due- so hopefully he will have a job!!

Thank you to all my dear friends who have checked on us through the week, made dinner, and just made yourselves available.  I really could not do this alone.  Your prayers are appreciated- we are certainly not out of the woods yet.  Hopefully by next week I will find a beautiful heartbeat to listen to on the Doppler!  I would love to share that!