MTHFR

Don't worry, the title of this post is not an online abbreviation for a nasty cuss word, although that's pretty much how I feel about it.  MTHFR is a diagnosis I received yesterday that I didn't know I had.  It stands for:

Methylenetetrahydrofolate reductase

I don't know much about it either...so I don't know how educational this post will really be, mostly just spliced together internet research.  I have an apt with my hemotologist on Wednesday so hopefully I will understand it better after that.

Background Info-

So I've known I have a blood clotting "factor" since I was 14.  I got tested that young because it runs in my family.  It means your blood has the potential to clot easier than it should, because one of the clotting factors (that help your blood clot) outweigh the anti-coagulants.  In a nutshell.  I was never extremely concerned about how this disorder would effect my pregnancies.  After all, my mom has it and she had 4 kids.  (My hemotologist later told me that a second blood problem my mom has, which I do not, cancelled out the effects of Leiden Factor V on her pregnancies.  Talk about blessings in disguise).  I knew that this increased my risk of early miscarriage, losing a baby to a blood clot in the placenta or umbilical cord, or getting a blood clot myself.  Especially because pregnancy increases your risk of clotting also, because of the extra Estrogen.

When I was first pregnant with Jack I went to my hemotologist to make sure everything was squared away and safe- by that point I was already ten weeks along.  He told me the fact that I'd carried that far meant that the baby should be totally fine- which he was.  I had started taking a low dose asprin 5 weeks and 5 days along with Jack- to help keep my blood a little thinner.  Seemed to work like a charm, Jack was born at 9 lbs 4 oz the day before my due date, but measured around 42 weeks.  Nice and healthy.  We weren't worried about my blood affecting future pregnancies, Leiden seemed pretty controllable.  But we thought that was all I had.

I started getting tested for additional problems after our third loss in a row.  The troubling thing is, the last time they treated me with the same meds that I would have been treated with had we known about the MTHFR, and they still didn't work.  I'm hoping the hemotologist can shed additional light on that.

1st pregnancy- Took one baby asprin a day starting about 6 weeks, resulted in a big healthy baby, virtually no complications with Jack.

2nd pregnancy- Assumed the same thing would work.  Started baby asprin at 5 weeks according to my doctor's instructions- lost the baby at 6 weeks.

3rd pregnancy- Assuming the first miscarriage was a chromosome related "fluke," everyone assumed this pregnancy would be fine.  Started on asprin at 4 weeks, just to be safe.  Lost the baby at 5 weeks.

4th pregnancy- The doctors concluded that micro blood clots were forming in the placenta and thus the baby could not be nourished after the yolk sack turns the job over to the placenta- and decided I needed to prevent clotting earlier on.  I started on the asprin around the time I ovulated and started on 70mg of Lovenox injections daily at 4 weeks.  Lost the baby at 5 weeks.

Puzzling right?  It seems like the more thinners I pump in, and the earlier I start, the sooner I lose the baby.  It feels like the thinners aren't giving the babies a chance to attach properly.  My gut feeling tells me more that we will just have to have a good "take" in the beginning, meaning we can get a viable heartbeat at 6 weeks before we start preventative thinners, like we did with Jack.  I don't know how many we would lose before that happens again, but it happened once.  Because of this, my fear was that I would have an additional problem that caused me to clot MORE, because then I worry no one would ever listen to that feeling I had.  They would continue to recommend more and more thinners, and how is such a fragile start ever to survive that.  (Maybe that is right and what I need, but I feel lots of anxiety about that- if you believe in listening to your gut, my gut is telling me no.  However, I waited to start thinners with the 2nd pregnancy and still lost that baby..so who knows.)

The News-

The nurse calls me yesterday and tells me I am positive for MTHFR.  I burst into tears as soon as I get off the phone.  It's genetic, so I've had it my whole life without knowing it.  But I've read enough about it on online support groups for Lovenox that I knew it wasn't a good thing to have.  Women with that online seemed to have 6 or 8 miscarriages in a row.  Maybe this was the real cause after all, and not Leiden.  The good news was my Protein C and Protein S were normal.

The nurse told me lots of people have one mutation, but lucky me I have two, one from each parent.  A double whammy- makes it harder to manage with a pregnancy.  But even that is manageable and usually can be worked out, unless you have an additional clotting factor like Leiden.  Lucky me, 3 for 3.  Needless to say I feel like the odds are against me.  Despite needing to learn about my own health so I can keep the right lifestyle and have the right diet so I don't have a heart attack at 50, I felt my hope for having another healthy baby slump.  Maybe it's possible.  But what am I going to have to go through?  How many times will it take?  And how in the world did I have a healthy baby on my first try?!

Below are some of the risks according to the inter-web.  I know some of them have to do with an excess of homocysteine building up.  I don't understand all the science- but the MTHFR gene produces an enzyme that is important in the process in converting homocysteine to methionine- which makes proteins and other compounds.  I know it's critical to take like a super huge mega vitamin B- because that bi-product can help keep the homocysteine at bay.  Another blessing I didn't know about- I've worked at a health food and supplement store for going on 4 years and have background knowledge and access to the best vitamins around.  Who knew how important that would be for me.  Anyway, risks (in general)

Increased risk for Me:

-Blood Clots

-Hardened Arteries

-Stroke/Heart Attack

(obviously, these risks are heightened whenever you have any blood clotting factors- but can be controlled with a healthy lifestyle).

-Infertility (this one doesn't seem to be a problem for me)

Risks for Pregnancy:

-Recurrent Miscarriage (especially in combination with another blood clotting factor)

-Placenta detaching (which potentially can lead to a stillborn baby)

-Small, low weight babies (what?! Jack was 9lb 4oz!)

-Neural tube defects (like spina bifida etc) this has to do with the body not absorbing folic acid as well, which is crucial to a healthy pregnancy.

-Down syndrome

-Autism

-Intense Postpartum (so maybe I really have been going through some of this)

Wow, that is a lot to take in.  Just when I get my head around something, something else drops on me.  How is this going to effect my health?  How many losses are we going to have?  If we make it past that 6 week bump are we going to be concerned for all these other risks the whole time? (of course).  Could we have a stillborn child?  How would we handle a handicapped child?  Are we willing to take all these risks?  Could we have another miracle and have a totally healthy child like Jack?  If it got to the point where we needed to consider adoption, how would we do with that?

My whole life plan and outlook just changed, again, with a phone call.

I only know that I'm not ready to give up yet- it happened once it can happen again.  It's more than terrifying.  As if a normal pregnancy isn't scary enough.  But it's just not in me to give up hope yet.  It's just adjusting to this new reality, again.

I'm also upset with my thyroid- adding hypothyroidism on top of this doesn't help anything.  I seriously sound like a hypochondriac.  I told Kevin I was so sorry- I really wasn't sickly when he married me.  I really planned to be healthy with no problems my whole life.  I guess we learn to deal with it as we go.

Blessings-

Like I said, the body doesn't absorb synthetic folic acid very well with this condition, so it's important to get B vitamins and other vitamins from raw and healthy foods.  Well, I didn't know I had this condition, so I wouldn't have known that was important.  If I didn't have my job, I probably would have picked up any pre natal vitamin at Wal Mart, made in a lab somewhere.  Which is better than nothing- and probably ok for most people.  But because I have the job that I do, I knew that whole food vitamins typically absorb better, so I got a higher end whole food pre natal from work when I was pregnant with Jack.  He has no handicaps or deformities.  I can't say for sure that it was because of the vitamins- but it is obvious that he got enough folic acid that he didn't have any neural tube defects.  I am so thankful that I increased his chances by taking a vitamin from a source my body can use- without even knowing it.  God is in the details.

  

Contrast

 Like any woman who has ever been through anything hormonal- I've felt pretty bipolar lately.  I get little bursts of excitement or happiness about things in my life or things I want to do, but then it swings back hard the other way as I'm trying to come to terms with my grieving.  I've just been having such contrasting emotions lately, and I don't think I've been keeping them "In Balance".  I saw this on a friend's Facebook and I thought it would be a good reminder to me about how to be happy overall, even when you're sad.  

I don't know if its a little bit of postpartum depression or what but I've been crying a lot lately- its all coming out, that deeper sorrow that takes a few weeks to come around when you've accepted what's happened and you can't help but being cliche and asking God why.  Why would you take three of my babies from me in a row?  You knew this would kill me and break me down more than anything else ever.  What is the reason here?  From my eyes, my friends' babies are all healthy and keep growing, and mine don't.  I never make it to that ultrasound appointment- never get to put that picture proudly on my fridge.

Here is a poem my friend sent to me who also experienced three miscarriages.  It is a very tender poem and I am thankful for it:

I thought of you and closed my eyes,
and prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother,
And I know I heard him say;
A mother has a baby,
This we know is true,
But, God, can you be a mother
When your baby's not with you?
Yes, you can he replied,
With confidence in his voice.
I give women babies,
When they leave is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for a day,
And some I send to feel your womb,
But theres no need to stay.
I just don't understand this God,
I want my baby here.
He took a breath and cleared his throat,
And then I saw a tear.
I wish that i could show you,
What your child is doing today,
if you could see your child smile,
with other children who say:
We go to earth and learn our lessons,
Of love and life and fear.
My mommy loved me oh so much,
I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a mom,
Who had so much love for me. 
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My mommy set me free.
I miss my mommy oh so much,
But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow's where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear,
"Mommy don't don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here."
So you see my dear sweet one,
Your children are OK.
Your babies are here in My home,
They'll be at heaven's gate for you.
So now you see what makes a mother,
It's the feeling in your heart. 
It's the love you had so much of,
Right from the very start.
Though some on earth may not realize you are a mother,
until their time is done.
They'll be up here with me one day,
And you'll know that you're the best one!
-Author Unknown

I try to live happily and be productive but I have this blanket of sadness and lack of motivation- no energy and mostly a huge hole in my heart that I'm not sure how to live through day to day.  That lack of energy and motivation leads to other problems- not losing the weight, not having a clean house, feeling lazy, feeling worthless, and that makes me more depressed.  I have all this anxiety and I don't feel all that healthy. I wake up every morning with a headache and feel sick to my stomach during the day.

I don't know why I have this constant impatience to have another baby.  I don't know why all of this had to happen to me, but the one thing I do know is I'm not ready to go through it again- so why does it ache to see every belly, every ultrasound, and every newborn? To want those sleepless nights, and days where everything you own smells like sour milk?  When you feel like it's 4 in the morning all the time, and look and feel like a zombie?

I go to bed every night telling myself to be positive- tomorrow will be a better day. Then I sleep restlessly and wake with a headache, and pretty much the next day turns out like the day before. 

I'm almost sure it's thyroid related- the weight, feeling melancholy, my hair coming out by the handfuls, the exhaustion and feeling like I never sleep enough-  but it takes 6 weeks for the thyroid to stabilize just enough to even test levels again- by that point hopefully it will be balanced enough that I won't need a higher dose of  medication than I’m on- but it's still hard to muscle through to that point.

Overall, I've settled back into life, but I still get sudden bouts of sadness and that yearning to mourn.  All those things I planned last week are going ok, playing percussion is good, tutoring got approved but no students yet (probably won't get any in this area), and songwriting, well that hasn't come close to happening.

Sometimes I even get sudden guilt when I'm happy, like how could I just go back to life as if nothing had happened- that's what other people do, not me.  These were my babies, I can't just let them go.  But at the same time, if I don't let them go to a degree, how will I ever be happy again?  Typing this out I know this is textbook stages of grief, but that doesn't make it any easier to deal with the emotions themselves.   

It feels sometimes like people expect you to be over it within a certain amount of time.  Like I feel this would be inappropriate to continue bringing up to my friends week after week- I don't want to be that downer friend.  But it's not just a loss of life, it also eats away at your hope for the future.  How are you supposed to be over that so soon? I had a very dear friend tell me, "Dont put your grieving on a timetable," and basically, that it is my timing, no one else's.  That was great advice- it makes me feel like it's still ok to be sad.

Sometimes I also feel torn between two feelings- feeling that it might be irresponsible to even consider creating life if you can't maintain that life.  I'm pretty sure that is not even close to true, but the guilt hits pretty hard when it is your own body not preserving these pregnancies. The other feeling is wanting to make it all up by having a healthy baby- and wondering if that will ever happen.  And wondering if a healthy baby would even take away the pain of the losses or the memory of what could have been - or even if it should.  

One more thing I want to talk about- a new opportunity for me.  For a long time now, Kevin and I have discussed the idea of me going back to school to get some kind of tech degree and have some sort of marketable skill aside from music.  My music degree was a degree of passion and I don't regret it in the least, but working in that field for me is not conducive to my family life that I want.  Or the level of stress I'm ok with.  For a long time we looked into Diagnostic Medical Sonography programs- but knowing it would have to be a long time in the future after Kevin finished his doctorate because it requires so much time out of the home.  

So I started looking into Medical Transcription a while ago, but the programs were as much as 33,000. Yeah, seriously.  Also people have been worried about the jobs shrinking because of Dragon software.  So, I found a program for about 3000 that's actually a Medical Transcription Editor program- (meaning you are the person that looks over Dragon's work, along with transcribing yourself.)  It is an all online program, gives you a year to finish it, has payment options, and has a post-grad support team that works with you until you find a job.  I've spent some time on the phone and emailing this school- every person I've talked to has been extremely helpful and understanding, and well, pleasant to talk to. I'm actually moving right next to their "home base" in just under two months, so I could even sit in on their RMT exam (separate from the certificate program).  When I find a job, potentially, I would have the ability to work in an office, or at home setting my own hours.  They make about 15 dollars an hour starting out, which is like twice what I make now.  And working with an national employer, I could take my job with me wherever we move for Doctorate school.  

I know there is always some risk involved here, but it doesn't really feel like a risk.  Even if I don't get a job right away, if I keep looking I'm sure a position will open (85% of their graduates were employed within 2 months).  Plus it's got to be better than not working while Kevin is in Grad School and not working himself.  And, for me, education is never wasted. This program has a lot of basic medical knowledge that needs to be learned, and would be a good foundation for anything else pretty much.  Why not have a degree in music, then get some experience in this field and eventually get my CMT?  I don't like to peak- I like to keep learning.  If I wasn't a mom, I'd probably be one of those people that goes for degree after degree.

I have been praying for a while (when I feel up to praying, I need to work on that) just saying I felt like I need to go in a new direction and do something different- so far I feel pretty peaceful about this- no red flags telling me that this isn't what I've been looking for.  We are just waiting to hear back from the bank now on the loan.  Sometimes I feel guilty about the excitement I get from having a difference like this in my life- the opportunities that open up since I'm not having another baby right now- but it comes and goes.

Plus, this is 670 hours of something to distract me other than dishes and TV....and of course, jury duty this week.  

What can I say? Once a student, always a student...it's something I've always been really good at.  It feels good to do something you're good at.

I Love Being Me...(Whoever That Is)

"I Love Being Me!"  We've all seen it.  That sign that hangs in every 4th grade elementary classroom across the country- encouraging children to "be themselves" and not settle for being "anybody else but you" etc, etc.  It's a pretty nice concept as a kid, and pretty easy to accept.

It seems to me, however, that as we "grow up" that whole idea gets kind of cloudy.  You don't really realize it until you're at a job interview and they ask you to elaborate about who you are. Uhhhhh.

I laughed so hard the first time I saw this meme- because someone nailed it.  This is exactly how I feel most of the time.  When I was a teenager I could go on and on about things I did that "made me who I was."  The classes I liked, where I worked, band, choir, and drum line, my church, and actual hobbies I had like journaling.  But here's the thing, once I became a Mom my answers were more like, "Well, I did music in college, and, I used to journal, and sometimes I like to watch TV when the baby's asleep." 

 I'm not super crafty and I don't always love to cook fancy food.  Most of the time I feel pretty good about myself if I actually put makeup on and keep the dishes done during the day.  Granted, this is a natural part of motherhood and I am ok with that.  But going through these miscarriages has given me another chance to look at my identity.  

Sometimes I think we get so swallowed up in being a wife and a mother (not to sound negative, it's consuming because it brings us the most joy) that we forget it is only part of who we are and part of what we are capable of.  I would never wish to lose the three pregnancies that I've lost, but I realize that this "break"  I have now is an opportunity for some time to myself.  Not that Jack is easy to handle- he's not.  He's in the terrible twos and very busy, but, I have more time than I would since I'm at home during the day with only one child. And, doctor's orders, I have to give my body a break from trying to have another baby at this point.  So at least I can know, it's just going to be me and Jack for a while.  We never want bad things to happen, but the best thing to do with it is use it to make improvement.  Otherwise, it's just a waste of pain.  

So yeah, I am learning to deal with this new reality that I'm probably not just going to have a baby whenever I want to, it's going to be harder than that, but having time between kids can also be a good thing.  I want to take this time to find my identity again as a person, not as a mom, not as a wife.  Those are parts of me, but I want to work on some other parts too.   

I went to hip hop night at Zumba this past week.  I love hip hop and dancing, and just getting out and having a good time.  I went with a friend and afterwards I was like "Wow sometimes I think I forget I'm only 22 years old."  I still like going out late with friends and dancing.  Sometimes I wish I lived where there was ANYTHING open after 9pm in ANY surrounding city. (Oh Idaho, I just can't wait to leave you sometimes.)  But this has been a good realization for me- I'm starting to get the idea that I can be a mom and still do other important (or fun) things with my life too.  

I've been pondering a lot on the passion I used to have.  I've been wanting to do something with my skill set, but it was mostly just one of those dreams that I was dreaming about and not doing anything about it.  After I graduated high school I organized and taught a middle school choir as a volunteer since the school didn't have money for a choral program.  It was one of the best things I've ever done; I loved it so much.  It really fueled my ambition for going into music education.  I ended up getting a BA in Music meaning I can teach in a studio or private school, but I dropped my education composite for a "minor" in Education Psychology since Jack came along a year before I finished college.  I think I kind of gave up my dream of helping kids in music somewhere along the way, at least in some ways.  

Then...in the midst of this pondering I got these little notes on facebook this week: 

I just wanted to say something to you on this Topsail Music Department award night. I got a Chorus award plaque, and I get my name on the same type of plaque you got your's on. All I could think about however was the senior project you worked on, and how you taught me and others the basics. I just wanted to thank you so much. I love you like a sister, maybe even like a chorus mother. Thank you so much.<3

Awwww!!!!! I love you too!! And (the post above) has a huge point. I feel the exact same way. In that short amount of time that we had chorus together, you've taught us all so much and I have no way to repay you but to say thank you for all of your hard work that you did with the chorus. Having you as a teacher back then in my 8th grade year, has taught me so much and I have memories that I will never forget lol and I will never forget singing a song about the pitter patter in the rain lol. 

These girls, I believe they are seniors now, probably have no idea how much this meant to me, even five years after the fact.  The reason I don't dive into more opportunities is, when it comes down to it, I really don't feel very qualified!  I'm not the best at what I do, I hang in there, and I love it, but man it is hard to call yourself a professional in any arts field. They gave me a boost though- if I could change lives before I even went to college, I should know enough to help somebody out now.

So I DID something this week!

1- First and foremost I did something that would make me happy- started playing music again.  My former professor at BYUI has allowed me to come back to the college ensemble and play a couple songs with them for the semester.  Most people probably don't want to go back to college a year after they graduate, but I qualify since Kevin is still a student.  Even going to a rehearsal once a week and having the rush (and terror) of sight reading on a xylophone has been really healing for me. I hope to play a little marimba (my one true love) before we move, because it sure is hard to keep up the hobby when you don't own a marimba.

2- I bought a song writing book. I did some composition in college because it was mandatory.  I'm not good at it, but I've had some songs in my head and it would be a worthwhile skill to practice while I spend my days at home.  Excited to try.

3- I'm still working Saturdays at the Health Food store.  I've been working there since 2009 and I really love it.  I'm glad I can still incorporate it into my life as a stay at home mom even though I can't work full time anymore.  It's outside my field but I've gotten good at it, and I've learned an enormous amount about health and supplements in a short amount of time.  It's a good environment for me to work in.  I know it will benefit multiple areas of my life.

4- I'm BLOGGING. Look at me go! I'm actually sticking with it.  It's healing for me to write, and especially to talk about our miscarriages and how they've affected me.  Getting everything out on "paper" helps me see that my life is still pretty amazing even though things feel really hard sometimes.

5- I'm exercising.  At least I'm really trying to.  I wrote all the Zumba times on the calendar and I have a renewed motivation to go. I really want to get my body feeling good again.  I'm sick of feeling worn out and heavier than I want to be.

6-  I've been job hunting in my field.  Music is kind of a hard thing to do part time if you don't want to run a studio in your home. (not right now, thank you very much).  But I've been looking for part time online work which maybe I could do from home.  I've signed up to be a tutor for a website and I'm just going through the approval stages now and doing the tests to prove I'm qualified (yikes!!!).  I might not get very many students or bring in very much money- but I'll be available if people need me and it will be good motivation to study up and keep my music knowledge fresh.  I regret that I never did drum set because that's what the kids want- but Kevin has one in Utah so maybe I'll learn in someday when we have a house.  I'm trying to get approved to teach:

drums (percussion)

ear training

general music

music history

music theory

sight singing

voice

Wish me luck!

And a little more about the baby stuff-  I haven't really felt this restless in a long time.  my mind wanders aimlessly into all these possibilities of what I maybe could or should be doing right now- I just have this desire to do SOMETHING.  I know it's good to have desire though, and I know I've made good progress.  Another family member of mine had a miscarriage this week. I think she was about 8 weeks.  These types of problems run on my mom's side of the family, so we have experienced many losses as a family, including two stillborn baby girls.  The nature and frequency of these losses makes it hard for me to feel like things will ever be ok sometimes.  The women in my family who have these problems, including myself, all share a common variable- a blood disorder.  It seems like doctors really don't understand it very well and we always just hope the "best guesses" work out.  I am thankful that I am young and have many years ahead of me that have possibilities for miracles.  

I remind myself that goals are one step at a time.  I'm trying to let my body heal and give it the best chance for the future.  I'm having lots of tests done that can't be done if I were pregnant.  Even though we are not trying to conceive right now, doesn't mean we're not working towards having another baby.  And this week, I've tried to dive into positive things that will better my life as we wait for our next little miracle someday.  I don't want to wait for my life to start, it's already happening now.    

PS- how could I ever complain about anything when I have this little cutie?

10 days later

It's been ten days since the miscarriage.  The good news is, I'm healing.  I think this blog has helped me a lot, and I think I am bouncing back faster than I did with the two before this one.  As the healing progresses I continue to have more thoughts to share.

Spirituality-
Sometimes I don't really feel like praying during these days that can feel so hard.  It's not really because I'm angry, it's just that I don't want to face anything or think deep or put effort into anything.  But the other day I had a thought as I was pondering on how thankful I was to have so many people praying for us.  I thought "Everyone is praying for us...I probably should too."  I remembered that when we go through our most painful trials, it is not an excuse for us to take a "break" from our spirituality.  We don't just get to "take some time" to heal.  It's these times in our lives when we need to work the hardest to stay as close to God as we can.  Even if we have to bite on our pride a little to get on our knees.

Putting It On the Shelf-
I've discovered I'm not a very patient person.  Losing babies is so hard- I usually find my hope in trying to tell myself "next time it will work, the next pregnancy will be different."  So telling myself that I need to put the idea of having another baby on the shelf for a while is difficult- because that is where my happy was.  I mean honestly 6-12 months is not very long at all.  But it can feel like a long time when your heart hurts.  I keep waiting for a healthy baby to come and fill in that hole that the other three have left in my heart.  I'm not even sure if it will work like that.  But I do feel very strongly that since all the drugs and different ideas that specialists have had didn't work, that the best chance I have is to give my body a good recovery period before even thinking about trying again.  Once I accepted this though, I've found it's a little easier to feel happy.  I'm trying to just do what I'm doing now with a smile, and enjoy the moments.  I'm trying to keep myself busy and it's nice not to have to stress about it now.  I can just say, "that's down the road, let's just get feeling better for now."  Now that I know another pregnancy is pretty much out of the question for the rest of the year, I actually do feel a bit of a burden lifted.  I am sad about it, but I feel like that is the right choice for now and I just have to tell myself that if that is God's timing, that it is going to be fine.

Banishing the Guilt-
We all know we aren't "supposed to" feel guilty about a miscarriage, or even several in a row.  I know in my mind it wasn't my fault.  I literally was doing everything in my power, even the subcutaneous shots which I hated- they really loomed over my day as I was doing them.  Despite our brains knowing those facts, we do feel guilty.  It's personal.  It happened inside of my body.  Sometimes I feel like I've failed my children. Sometimes I am repulsed by my own body- I feel like screaming at it.  Well that makes it hard not to hate yourself a little.  The soul and the body are very connected after all.
Excuse the musical reference...I did music in college and am a dork- but this just reminds me so much of singing versus playing an instrument.  Ever wonder why singers take everything so personal?  It's their voice, it's their body.  When they miss a note, it's THEM messing up.  Instrumentalists can blame fingerings or a glitch with the instrument.  Even if they don't blame anything, it's still them playing through the instrument, not really their own body.  Having done both vocal and percussion I'm allowed to make this analogy.  I just feel like a vocalist in this situation- how am I NOT supposed to take this personally?  The doctors can tell me whatever they want, but I still feel like I have failed in some way.

I'm learning to banish the guilt.  I know it doesn't do anything but hurt. I start to wonder if I'm irresponsible to even consider creating life if I don't have the ability to sustain it.  That hurts.

Listen to Your Gut...
...and the Spirit.  Most of the time I think intuition works together with the Spirit if you're living your life the right way.  So here's the story.  When we were about to get married, having kids was a year or two down the road in my mind.  As soon as we got married it was like an instant switch and constantly on my mind.  I kept telling myself I was only baby hungry because I was a newly wed and anxious to day dream and "play house."  Kevin and I discussed it often and he felt the same way.  I was sure that we were going to have problems getting pregnant.  I felt like it was going to take us a really long time to have kids, and that is why I felt like we should start trying so soon, because it was going to take like 2 years or something and if we waited it would take even longer.  I was pretty sure of it.  Imagine my shock getting a positive pregnancy test about two and a half months after our wedding day.  I decided that I had made the whole thing up in my head worrying that we would have infertility issues.  Clearly, we would never have any problems.  Or so I thought.  Jack was born 6 weeks before our first anniversary and we are still so in love with him.

I wasn't wrong.

I am so glad I listened to my gut. Our issues aren't exactly called "infertility" but nonetheless, we are now living that life that I feared back then.  It may take us a long time to have another successful pregnancy.  And for whatever reasons it worked the first time, I am so glad that I listened to my gut saying that I might have problems in this area.  If I hadn't listened who knows if we would have Jack, and who knows how much time we would have lost figuring all of this out.

<3

Follow Up Thoughts and a Father's Perspective

First of all, I just have to say I am astounded at the circle of love that has embraced me since publishing my first post- I am so thankful for networking and the fact that we were put on the Earth billions at a time to help one another.  I was especially happy to know that my blog was forwarded to others going through the same thing as us.  I had a reader ask for my husband to post his thoughts on this experience, because she felt like it would help the other fathers struggling.  I'm very proud of him; I know it is difficult for him to express his thoughts in writing, and I know he only did it because he loves me and wants to support me in this blog if it's a help for me.

When I asked him how the writing was going- he said "My emotions about this aren't complete sentences."
I thought that was the most poetic and honest thing he said- that's exactly how this feels- like incomplete sentences.

A Father's Perspective-

It's really difficult to communicate how I these miscarriages have made me feel. I think part of it is because it is just an unsettling thing to go through and I still don't know where to place it. Another reason is that I'm a man. It's definitely different from what my wife has gone through, but there are similarities too. It's been really hard seeing my wife in such sorrow during these trials and knowing there is absolutely nothing I could do to make it better other than just be there with her. I would want to be able to do something to help her, but nothing can make something like this better. 

Some of the most difficult things that I went through personally came from the fact that when we go through hard things, the rest of the world doesn't pause and wait for us to get through them. It was really hard trying not to let the trial tear our life and our goals apart. I still had responsibly at work, responsibly at church, classes to go to, tests to take, and hours of homework and studying to get done. I found it really difficult to try to take care of my wife and son, meet all of my other responsibilities, and to still find time to mourn on my own to try and make sense of everything. I often found myself thinking about these little babies of ours during the only times I really had to myself. Those times were usually when I was in my car driving to or from school and work. I would think about who they might have been and how happy I would have been to meet them and watch them grow up, and sometimes  I would just cry a little because I felt like I really missed someone, but I didn't know who I was missing. I would also cry a little because my wife was so sad and I didn't know how to help her. 

Most of the time during these trials I would just try to have hope and a positive attitude. I knew we would get through it and that we would be stronger from it in the end. Some of the things I've learned is that we are not the ones in control, but God is. It has taught me that I really need to be kind and sensitive to others because you never know what someone else is going through. I think the most important thing I learned is that I am very blessed and have a wonderful wife and son and I have become more aware of what a blessing it is to have them.

----Thank you sweetheart.  It's interesting he said that he only found quiet moments to mourn here and there, it made me realize we have opposite problems- I have too many "quiet" moments to myself where I'm not distracted enough and the mourning takes over.  

Follow Up Thoughts- 

Here's what is hard for me to be hearing right now.

"If you never have another baby....it will be ok....at least you have Jack...he is wonderful" or whatever else you want to fill in the blank with.  It's true- we would be "ok" even if we never have more children.  Jack is a wonderful miracle and a joy, and it's true that we are lucky to have him.  Despite their good intentions, do you know what it sounds like to me when someone says "Even if you never have another baby...."  It sounds more like

-You had a good run

-You tried three times, don't feel the need to put yourself through any more pain

-You did your best

-It will be easier on your heart if you give up hope

-Accept the worst case scenario just in case so you don't get your hopes up.

I hope I don't sound rude, I know that these are sincere thoughts to try and help me find peace, and maybe they do hold a little bit of comfort.  But mostly it's just stifling- I need drive to keep going, not cause to give up.

"Afterpains" and Living For Now, Living With Hope 

After you give birth to a baby, you experience physical "afterpains" which feels like less intense labor caused by the uterus shrinking back down so quickly.  I've been experiencing "afterpains" from this 3rd miscarriage but they are felt more in my heart and my spirit than in my body (though the physical too, are there unfortunately). Here are some of the ones I have experienced over the last few days.

-I had not one, but two friends announce that they are expecting their second child. I thought I would be over that sting by now, but guess what, I'm not.  I should have made that announcement three times now, and despite my planning of how I would announce the news each time, I keep watching others do it instead. 

-I put on a pair of jeans that I hadn't worn in almost a week.  As I pulled them up I realized the button was still looped through the hole with a hair tie- the old trick that I used as my belly had started to stretch and my muscles let out even so early on.  By your 4th pregnancy your body pretty much lets go of any belly tone right away. I started crying right when I saw that hair tie.  I didn't need it anymore. There was no baby anymore, I wouldn't be growing anymore. Though I am grateful for my body's ability to stabilize and return to normal, it also hurts to see it happening so quickly. I've lost 4 pounds and a couple inches, the bleeding has slowed almost to a stop within a week.  It's amazing how quickly everything goes back- as if it never happened.  That's what hurts.  It's like it never happened.  I'm just not sure how to mourn these three pregnancies.  Life was there, it started, levels were rising, baby and I were growing- then suddenly it stops.  There is no memorial, no fond memories, just emptiness and the strange feeling that I have an empty womb and empty arms. I was pregnant, and now I am postpartum, but there is no child.  Like it never happened. How do we mourn?  My husband took a picture of me on his phone when I started to show a little in my second pregnancy.  He was wanting to do a timeline and watch us grow.  Do we delete that picture?  A picture of me from last year smiling and holding my belly that bore a child we never met? Do we save that picture? It is too painful for me and I would rather delete it, but he likes it on his phone and told me he doesn't want to. So I let him keep it, but to me it breaks my heart to see it, and see how happy I was.

-I happened to be at my mom's house on vacation when I lost this baby. I was thankful to have her help and support but it was very difficult to be away from my husband.  I was packing everything up tonight, including the rest of the shots that I didn't use.  I felt strong surges of emotions as I looked at those needles that I was so afraid of.  I've wished so badly that I was still using them, and that they were working.  I would gladly take another shot.  I've learned that love really does conquer fear.

The picture I took when I picked up my first months worth and was scared out of my head: 

Somehow despite all the loss, I really have never felt doubt that we will have more children.  Of that, I feel pretty sure.  I know we will.  The part I struggle with is the when, the how, the number of losses, the number of children even.  But I realize that all of these questions are in God's hands, so all I can do is trust that He knows what is best and why- and once I give that part over to Him, I can be happy.  

Blessings-

I received a priesthood blessing the night before I lost our last baby.  I was feeling overwhelmed with anxiety, because I felt like something was wrong.  This is personal, but I feel it's appropriate to share.  I was reminded in this blessing, that when we lean on the Power of God, with all our faith, it has the power to make miracles happen, even changing the innerworkings of my body.  I know that to be true.  I know that it happened before with Jack because it was his time to come.  I know that God knows me better than I know myself.  He knows the chemistry of every detail of my body.  He knows exactly how medications will effect my body and interact with a pregnancy.  He has all the variables and all the cards.  He knows how to fix it, and He can change my body's very ability to maintain a pregnancy in His time and according to His will.  I know I need to go through this pain now- but I was so comforted to be reminded that when it is time, and if I am careful to listen to the Spirit, I will know what I need to do and we will have another child.  I know I still have to work on my end and do all I can, do the research and testing and procedures, and He will make up the difference for us.

Looking Up To Others-

I know so many amazing men and women.  At times like these I think of women who have endured more, and had more strength than I.  Who have overcome superhuman problems.  Their legacy leaves me feeling empowered and helps me to not feel so alone.  My Grandma wrote me of a woman who suffered nine miscarriages before finally giving birth to a son.  She did not live long to raise him, but I know she received peace after she passed.  Her son grew up to be the father of Howard W Hunter, one of the prophets of the LDS church.  Sometimes we have to wait a long time for our blessings to be realized and for our hearts to heal.  Think of the bible- it seems that the most dreaded "curse" or trial for women in the bible was being barren.  They struggled with their identity and longing for children because of it, and I don't think much has changed.  I think of Emma Smith, wife to the prophet Joseph, who was persecuted and mocked.  Who lost many many children and lost her beloved husband to murderers.  I don't know how she did it.  I hear people who are critical of her and I just shake my head.  One of my favorite songs is about Emma Smith and it brings me comfort to listen to it and think of her and know that she was an Elect daughter of God and He loved and remembered her, but she still had to endure painful trials.  Here is a link to the song:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AR5eE7JddaM

<3 amber 

Lessons From a Third Miscarriage

“No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted. It ministers to our education, to the development of such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude and humility. All that we suffer and all that we endure, especially when we endure patiently, builds up our characters, purifies our hearts, expands our souls, and makes us more tender and charitable, more worthy to be called the children of God … and it is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we gain the education that we come here to acquire” (quoted in Spencer W. Kimball, Faith Precedes the Miracle [1972], 98).

Recurrent Miscarriage- I've found several blogs on infertility, but not as many on recurrent miscarriages.  There are a lot of similarities and cross overs, but they are different trials in the end.  I've been thinking about starting a blog anyway, and this seemed like an appropriate topic for me to share my thoughts on.  Recurrent miscarriage affects about 1% of couples trying to conceive.  That’s not very many.  Especially those of us in our early 20s. And for some reason, it can sometimes feel like a taboo subject.  But I know many couples feel the pain of it or a similar struggle, which is why I don’t feel uncomfortable sharing and being honest about it.  Sharing is healing for me. 

Patience- Whether it’s infertility or loss of life- the ache of feeling that a baby who belongs in your family is missing is constant and painful. And we are blessed enough to have a young son already- who is a miracle.  I’ve learned to trust God and hopefully will learn to be patient as I try to figure out what I’m supposed to be doing with my life. I’ll have a while to figure it out as my body recovers.  Sometimes you put everything on the table and give your whole heart- do everything you can and ask God to make up the difference, and the answer is still no.  And that is hard to swallow. 

Learning a New Kind of Faith- The night before I lost this baby, my brother and I were talking about having a “new kind of faith.” The kind of faith not to be healed, the kind that lets you be ok with everything not working out.  I know that God is trying to teach me this kind of faith.  I’m learning to trust Heavenly Father to the point where I’m not angry about my losses- just hurt and confused, but still trusting that He knows what He is doing. I know He doesn't want me to suffer needlessly and wouldn't put me through these painful experiences unless they were critical for me to become the woman He wants me to be. My brother brought up a talk by Elder Bednar discussing this principle. Here is a link-

http://www.lds.org/broadcasts/article/print/ces-devotionals/2013/01/that-we-might-not-shrink-d-c-19-18?lang=eng

When God Puts You in Impossible Circumstances - We Can Rise to the Occasion- I never thought I’d be able to take an injection in the belly every day.  The first time I was literally shaking with fear and thinking of how long this was going to last.  Also I had to ice each time afterwards and try to breathe through the burning.  It took me 4 times before I was able to breathe through it without crying, but I had to just count that as progress.  The important thing is that I did it, and found that I was willing to do anything to try and save my baby.  Even though the Lovenox didn't work, I know it was important to get the data of trying to do it- hopefully it’s one more piece to the puzzle. This is the most horrible game of guess and check ever played- because we guess and then wait to see if the baby dies or not.  Most days my heart doesn't feel up for playing- but I know that one of these times we have to get it right.

Living With Chronic Pain (of the Heart) – Everyone has pain that we somehow put aside to get through our mundane tasks of everyday.  The pain of recurrent miscarriages is a constant and sensitive pain- I’m in a stage of my life where many of my closest friends have beautiful, healthy pregnancies.  Trust me, I’m thrilled for you and your cute baby bump, I really am.  But that doesn't mean it’s not going to put a dagger through my heart when I see it.  Or when you tell me your big news and I talk excitedly on the phone, it doesn't mean I don’t hang up and sob uncontrollably.  Especially if your due date is close to one of my three due dates that never came.  Sometimes I do really good one day, and I’ll see lots of ultrasound pictures on facebook, then I kind of go downhill.  Not that I don’t want people not to share- I do! It just hurts.  I’m still learning how to manage this pain- but the one thing I can say is that you have to put it on the backburner, and bring it out just often enough to have good mental health.  If you let your days be consumed with thinking about what you want in life, but can’t seem to grasp now, you will always be miserable. I’m learning to live in the moment and enjoy where I’m at now. How else could we be happy in life? We all have pain- but we also all have blessings in it.  We need to spend our days focusing on those things that make us smile and laugh.  The things that bring us joy.  For me, I want to get back to music, which is what I went to college for.  Thank God for my little boy, who is becoming more of a miracle in my eyes each day and brings me so much joy.  I’m appreciating each moment with him more as he grows older.  It goes too quickly.  When we got married, we knew there was a chance that I would struggle maintaining pregnancy, but Jack was pretty much problem-free (not easy, but not complicated) so we thought we were off the hook for those issues.  That’s how Jack got his name- we saw a specialist at ten weeks along thinking we were going to have all kinds of problems- but somehow there were none.  God just took them away for us, so we named our son Jack, meaning “God is gracious.”   

How Others Perceive- Getting Past It- Ok, I know it’s as old as time, we shouldn’t care what others think.  But let’s be real for a second.  I certainly don’t care that people think incorrect things about us because they don’t have every intimate detail of our lives, and I certainly don’t feel judged for not yet having a second child when our boy isn't quite two BUT it bothers me to think people might wonder “when are they going to have another?” Or when customers at my job ask me about it casually, even though it is the most painful subject for me to discuss.  And why wouldn’t they ask? Why wouldn’t they assume we could have another soon?  We had one healthy child right after we got married.  No one has any reason to think we have any problems in that area- I wouldn't if I were them.  People ask me when I’m due if my shirt looks maternity style, or when I bloat after/during a miscarriage.  People I don’t even know ask me when we want another little one.  As if we get to choose.  As if we wanted to wait.  When I’m craving Taco Bell and people smile “uh oh, are you pregnant again?”  They aren’t doing anything wrong, I don’t blame them- but they have no idea how bad that hurts, but I’m learning to swallow it and move on and try not to let incorrect perceptions bother me. 

Things that Make Me Happy, Also Make Me Sad- Watching my toddler hold a baby doll.  He rocks it, feeds it, burps it, and wraps it in a blanket.  I keep thinking what a good big brother he would be.  So heartwarming; heart shattering.  Holding a newborn is one of the most intensely joyful experiences of this life- and also makes me feel that deep longing and hole in my heart that we are missing a new baby in our family.    

Knowing Your Life Plan is Changing, and Being Mad About It- We all have a plan- you know- the one that we kind of lay out the rest of our lives with.  We all know that life isn’t going to go “AS PLANNED” but we still kind of expect it to- at least with the big things.  My whole life I knew I wanted 6 kids.  Yes, that’s a lot of kids, but I’m from a big family and I love it.  That’s why I started young, which I’m glad I did because now I still have plenty of time.  But now after losing 3 in a row, that dream and plan is staring me in the face with a reality check. I may or may not have 6 children, or 3 or 4, I’m begging for a second one right now.  It’s still possible- yes.  But it will come with many losses, of that I am pretty sure.  I pushed hard to finish college but didn’t jump into the career world so that I could be a mom for my career, really dedicate all of myself to it, and start having lots of babies.  And it’s not happening.  Granted- I still am a full time mom and can still completely dedicate myself to being Jack’s mommy.  I have to accept that my plan is going to morph and change.  And guess what- I’m mad about it.  I know it’s immature, but I still am.  Kicking and screaming mad.  And to see other people living out that part of my dream, some people even who don’t even want kids or who keep having pregnancy “accidents,” and that makes me feel ripped off.  Even though I KNOW that their struggles are equal to mine in some area of their lives. I’m still mad.  I’m mad that 16 year old crack heads get babies and I don’t.  I don’t want this problem and I don’t want to change the vision for my life.  Nonetheless, it is morphing slowly.  God works to change the parts of us that need to change. 

Knowing the Difference- I’m so glad we decided to have children like RIGHT after we got married.  Though some people gave us crap about it and some people felt “sorry” for us- as if it had to be an accident because we didn't have more than a year to establish our own marital relationship before welcoming children.  I’ll tell you one thing- we are establishing our relationship now.  Going through real life crisis together has helped us become very close as a couple.  What a miracle our amazing son is.  And because of him, my losses hurt more.  I know what it means to love a child that you grew within you.  To see my face and my husband's face in his features.  I know how amazing and hard and life changing it is to bring life into the world.  I know the difference.  I know what I lose each time I lose a pregnancy.  I was ignorant to take my first pregnancy for granted because it was one of the greatest miracles that ever happened to me.  I want that experience again.  I know that at one point I was only 5 weeks along with Jack.  But somehow he made it past that fateful week when the other three couldn't.  Which is why I love these babies like I love my Jack- at least in some ways.  They say unless you've been through it, you don’t really know how things hurt.  Well, It’s the same with joy.  

Every Child is a Miracle- Especially our first son.  Jack was the result of my first pregnancy which was virtually complication free.  Now I wonder how that was even possible.  I look at every child in absolute awe about how they made it here.  I am learning to have the faith that someday, God willing, we will experience that miracle again.