I
never planned on informing Jack about our miscarriages until he was much
older. I didn’t want to bog him down
with adult concerns and sorrows and take away from his happy childhood. In recent months, however, it became a
concern for me because he asked about a new baby for our family almost every
day. For a boy of four and a half years,
he is keen on understanding everything down to the last detail. The simple answer of “Heavenly Father hasn’t
sent a new baby yet” did not satisfy him.
The more he asked, the more I started to wonder if I should just tell
him the truth in simple terms and try to help him cope with it instead of
answering around it. As far as I know, he is the only member of his primary
class and preschool class who doesn’t have one or two younger siblings. I think that’s starting to become more
obvious to him. He had a new cousin born
on Super Bowl Sunday. While I was
dealing with my own turmoil that day and confronting my mixed emotions of grief
and the joy in becoming an auntie again- I didn’t notice how it was affecting
Jack. He asked me, “Can I share the baby
so he can be my little brother too?” My
heart broke and I felt like a failure for not being able to provide my boy with
any siblings yet.
As
the questions kept coming I decided to be honest with him. I told him, “I really want a new baby too,
but something is wrong with Mommy’s body and we don’t know what it is, so I
haven’t been able to grow a healthy baby.”
I didn’t bring up Kevin’s risk factors because I figured that would just
confuse him more. That answer seemed to
satisfy him for a little bit, but not long.
I was driving him to school the next day and he said, “Mommy I think we
need to take you to the hospital right now.
So they can figure out why you can’t have a baby.” I thought of all the visits and appointments
and procedures combined through the course of our six losses. I told him, “Honey, I’ve been to the hospital
many many times. The doctors can’t
figure out what’s wrong.” That answer
didn’t work for Jack either- he just knew there was a way to fix this.
I
had the impression that it was ok to share with him the whole story. I told
him, “Mommy has grown some other babies in her tummy, but they all died before
they were born. They are safe and happy
and live with Heavenly Father. We don’t
know why they didn’t grow for very long.
That’s why you are a miracle! You
grew long enough to be born healthy.” I
waited for him to ask questions about how a miscarriage works, but instead- he
surprised me. The very first thing he
asked was, “Mommy, were you sad and scared when you were growing those babies?” My heart stopped at the sensitivity and insight
of his question. His empathy astounded
me and I felt so touched as I realized how much he loves me. I told him yes- I was scared and sad every time. He asked me a few more questions. Did the babies have names? Did we know if they were boys or girls? Why didn’t we bury them? Then he just sat and pondered for a while.
Suddenly
he asked, “Do you think Heavenly Father and Jesus know what’s wrong?” I said, “Well, yeah. They know everything so I’m sure they know
what’s going wrong.” Even though I was
still driving, he said, “Mommy, I need you to be reverent because I’m going to
say a prayer.” Once again, my heart was
touched that he thought so immediately to turn to Heavenly Father. He bowed his head and prayed, “Dear Heavenly
Father, please figure out what’s going on with Mommy’s body so that we can have
another baby in our family. It can be a
boy baby or a girl baby. In the name of
Jesus Christ, Amen.” He sat back
satisfied with a smile on his face- as if to say “There, fixed it. Now everything is going to be ok.” After his prayer I felt peace like I haven’t
felt in a very long time. I remembered
that it really is that simple- we don’t know the answer to something, so we
turn it over to the Lord in faith. I
felt peace because I KNEW God heard that prayer. The innocent prayer of a child.
The faith he exhibited was such an example to
me. Then of course, he made me laugh
saying, “I said it could be a boy or a girl baby because I thought it would be
better for Heavenly Father to pick.” He
also tried to comfort me saying that our puppy made our family bigger and he could
be like my baby for now. I’m so glad
that Jack is involved in this family trial now.
I feel like we can be a team now.
We can pray together as a family and discuss how we all feel. I’m thankful for the example of the faith of
a child- and for his wisdom beyond his years.
