9 week update

We made it through another impossibly long week!  These weeks really do drag on and the days feel long- so every milestone is a celebration!  The week was not flawless- I did have some more bleeding unfortunately.  That was about 6 days ago now and things seemed to have settled since then.  It's still concerning to me- mostly because the doctor didn't check baby after the last bit of bleeding and I missed that reassurance.  I had one day with some bad cramping, but no bleeding, so as long as those symptoms are separate I think it's ok.

I do love thinking about baby at this point- most of his or her body parts are in place and developing now.  Baby has working joints and distinct facial features- and is about the size of a grape!  It's amazing to think about.

haha the girl in the picture has a much smaller bump than me!

My nausea has picked up immensely this week.  I remember 8-9 weeks being around the time I started feeling more sick during my pregnancy with Jack.  I'm taking that as a good sign- although I never feel satisfied with symptom watching.  It has been harder to eat enough and to get my vitamins down- but I'm managing and have it better than lots of women.  I spend more unproductive time than I would like.  Luckily for me, my bestie brought me an awesome care package to help pass some of those useless hours in bed when I feel too sick to move (or am trying to keep bleeding under control.)

I'm a lucky girl

After waiting so long for a healthy baby bump, I'm surprised that I'm struggling a bit with self image.  My belly has just blown up.  I always looked further along than I was with Jack- and since he was over 9 pounds at birth, I'm still nice and stretched out.  I hold my extra weight around my middle to start with- and even though baby is only an inch- my uterus is now the size of a grapefruit, pushing everything out!  I can't hide the belly or suck it in anymore and it's already becoming a topic of conversation.  I think the reason it bothers me is that I'm still very concerned and it feels too early for the public to see it.  But- there's nothing I can do about it.  So I'm trying not to be embarrassed and trying to embrace it instead.  Here's to being happy about showing!  Something I've waited on for a very long time.

I took this picture at 8 weeks (and I've already grown)

I am trying to continually ease my anxiety.  I am still frustrated that no one will check the subchorionic hemorrhage for growth or resolution at this point.  I just want to know what is happening.  I will probably be able to convince a doctor to check it if I have more bleeding- but I'm not sure that I want that either!  The MFM won't see me again without another referral from the OB.  The OB doesn't even want to do a 12 week scan.  So unless something changes- I still have 11 long weeks ahead of me before I can check on baby and the hemorrhage again.  I tell myself everything is fine unless I have a reason to believe otherwise.  I do wonder, however, if the SCH were growing, how it would influence my decision to continue with aspirin daily.  There are private companies you can pay to just do ultrasounds- even just to find out the gender after 14 weeks.  I don't really have money for it now, but if I can't convince anyone to check- at least we have an option if the anxiety is too great.  

I think finding out the gender early would help me bond a bit with the baby- as long as I was sure it was accurate haha.  If I had all the money in the world I would pay for one of the 3D ultrasounds later on- so we could get a clear picture of baby's face.  I just don't know how everything is going to turn out- and every memory I have recorded helps ease my heart in case we do have another loss.  I've tried to bond more with this baby but it is hard since we haven't brought home the last six.  I framed the best picture I have of baby and put it next to my picture of Jack in my room.  I love seeing them together.  It makes me smile and think, "Wow- TWO kids!"

My kiddos

Since it may be almost three more months before we see baby again- I did buy a fetal doppler.  I thought if I could check the baby's heart once a week or when I have bleeding episodes, it would help with the panic and avoid sending us right to the hospital.  I was originally against them because it's so scary if you can't find the heartbeat.  I read lots of stories of girls finding a good heartbeat on a doppler at 8 or 9 weeks along.  I watched all the videos and tips on youtube and waited until the 9 week mark.  Then I tried for an hour to find the heartbeat with no luck :(  It was more devastating than it should have been.  I really thought if I kept trying I would eventually get it.  I'm not assuming that baby is in trouble- but I was really wanting some peace of mind and reassurance.  Now I am slightly more worried than I was.  It's troubling to not pick up a heartbeat.  However, I know sometimes even trained professionals can't find them so early.  I don't think doctors usually try with a doppler until 12 weeks.  I will try to be patient.  I just wish I could have been one of the girls to find it early!

Even with so much to be thankful for, I feel like my depression and anxiety has increased since I've been off my Deplin.  I'm full of hormones (which normally make you extra emotional at this point) and I'm in a very stressful situation.  Some days my energy is so low that I struggle to make Jack lunch before sitting down again to rest.  I have emotional outbursts where I cry incessantly because I feel disgusted in myself and how little I've accomplished in a day (and the days feel sooo long.)  Like you think I could at least empty the dishwasher or at least PLAN something for dinner.  I let Jack watch way too much TV and he's so bored.  I'm always scared of what's happening with the baby (and the bleed) and I think it just settles heavily on me.  Overall, this is a small amount of time, and life will be more normal again one day.  I try to end each day saying, "Tomorrow will be a better day.  I will try again."

I think our financial situation is taking more of a toll on my emotional state than usual.  I try not to complain about money too much- Kevin is finishing a doctorate where he doesn't get paid to work- it's what we signed up for.  We don't get paid again until September and I know what we have is not going to be enough.  We've made it this far, either with help from family or little miracles along the way- and I know we'll manage.  I think the fact that I may actually be bringing this baby home has made me realize how tight it's going to be and it's just scary.  If I went back to work we would lose our assistance to get us through school and our insurance (and I can't make enough to cover that difference.)  So I just have to breathe through it.  It's a scary few months, but Kevin should graduate about 3 weeks before baby is due- so hopefully he will have a job!!

Thank you to all my dear friends who have checked on us through the week, made dinner, and just made yourselves available.  I really could not do this alone.  Your prayers are appreciated- we are certainly not out of the woods yet.  Hopefully by next week I will find a beautiful heartbeat to listen to on the Doppler!  I would love to share that!

2 month update

I'm 8 weeks and so happy to be here!  It was another difficult week, but it's turned out ok and I feel so blessed.  The anxiety is always going to be there but for today I'm just trying to relax and enjoy what's happening currently.

The week started out normally enough.  I was just recovering from the scare last week and trying to stay positive.  I have been getting more nauseated- which is ironic because I've already gained five pounds.  I eat so much better now- mostly just fruit and salad, protein when I can handle it.  I always crave water.  I think the five pounds is likely water weight and bloat so I'm not too worried about it and this point.

Halfway through the week I started shopping for my bridesmaid dress for my brother's wedding.  When he gets married I should be about five months along.  That means I definitely need a maternity dress for the big event.  I spent a few hours looking around and felt this heavy sadness settle over me.  I felt like I was kidding myself.  Did I really think my baby would live until August?  Did I really think my belly would be big enough to need maternity clothes?  It just seemed so surreal and so much like a fairy tale that I was struggling to accept it.  I went home that night upset, but tried to be calm and serene.  I went to bed telling myself that tomorrow would be better.

I woke up at 4am to blood.  Again.  The room just started spinning.  The "bleed" they thought they saw before was gone, so what could this be?  It was worse than last time because I was passing really small clots.  Once again, I thought, "This is it."  I totally broke down.  How much can one heart take?

I laid in bed, unable to sleep, from 4 until 830am when I could call the doctor.  Kevin reluctantly got up to leave for work at 630.  I imagine it's difficult to leave home with that kind of worry hanging over you.  A dear friend of mine came over a little after 7 so she could just sit with me until I could call the office.  It was her actual due date, so I was surprised by her compassion to leave home and try to help me.  She got Jack breakfast and let me just crash and burn on the couch.  It was hard to have someone over when I felt so vulnerable and couldn't even control my crying- but I was thankful to not be alone.    

The office managed to squeeze me in between patients at a different location later that morning.  Kevin was able to join me for the appointment.  Sitting in that waiting room was brutal.  Everyone around me was finding out the gender of their babies and celebrating and I just felt tears burning behind my eyes.  Trying to search for hope again.  All I could think was that my baby should be starting to get color in their eyes- and here I was bleeding again.

I talked with the most compassionate ultrasound tech I've ever met with and she was soothing and kind to me.  With a deep breath we started the ultrasound to see what was happening.  Then- there was baby.  And there was baby's perfect heartbeat.  I started crying, overwhelmed with relief.  As we continued the ultrasound we found a subchorionic hemmorhage.  I was pretty upset to see that this pocket of blood was next to baby.  It really concerned me.  It wasn't extremely large and I knew that they can sometimes resolve themselves- but I really didn't want any complications!  After that appointment, I went over to the Provo hospital for a blood draw to recheck my thyroid.  Thankfully the new dose of medicine seems to be working.  For now my thyroid is one less thing to worry about.

Hello my beautiful gummy bear

 I got home exhausted and numb.  It's like a trial of my faith- to bleed even with a healthy baby.  No one experiencing pregnancy after a loss (or 6) should have to deal with bleeding.  I have to trust that we (and especially baby) are in God's hands.

My neighbor took care of Jack while I was gone.  She said Jack had asked if he could pray for the baby when they had lunch.  I'm so lucky to have him and his faith.  I told him the baby was ok and he exclaimed, "Thanks to Jesus!"  I needed a smile and a laugh.  Whenever I tell him that baby is doing good he says, "Yess!" and does this motion:

After resting a bit, I began agonizing over a decision to be made: to continue the aspirin or not.  It's an issue not well studied or proven.  It's an issue that all my doctors are split 50/50 on.  It's two totally opposing schools of thought.  I can find proof for either side.  I obviously don't want to increase bleeding and I don't want the subchorionic hemmorhage to grow.  I also don't want to risk baby getting a clot in the cord or for the SCH itself to turn into a giant clot- which the aspirin helps prevent.  I can't describe how hard this decision was for me.  Especially because my blood has clotting factors.  I read and read any research I could find.  I asked for personal stories.  I vented and hashed it out and prayed and prayed.  I know people who have had early losses or stillbirths due to SCH.  I've known others who bled heavily the whole pregnancy and still had a healthy baby.  There really is just no way to know.  Some people I talked to were VERY passionate about their conviction, one way or the other. SO many conflicting opinions.  I even got to the point where I was taking a poll out of curiosity.  

In the end, the best decision I could come up with is to continue the aspirin unless I am actively bleeding or the SCH is growing larger.  It may be difficult to track that considering my OB doesn't think I need another ultrasound until 20 weeks.  Three more months.  Will my anxiety allow me to last that long?!  I guess that's why I also have an MFM- in case we really need to check on baby.  Thankfully, as of now, the bleeding has stopped again.  I'm still taking it easy.  No lifting or any kind of strenuous activity.  Whenever I feel nervous I just lay in bed or sit on the couch and remind myself that a clean house isn't as important as a healthy baby.

I had my regular OB appointment today.  She wasn't even planning to do an ultrasound but I begged to be able to check on the bleed.  I feel so much better after seeing it today.  The rough estimate of the SCH is 16x14mm- smaller than baby's sac.  Thankfully the sac looks perfect and round.  Baby looks beautiful!  I got to HEAR the heartbeat today instead of just seeing it- and there is not a more emotional sound in the world.  It makes it real.  Hearing another heartbeat happily pounding away.  There's no way to deny that life. 

Hello beautiful baby!  The measurement shows from the head to the bum :)

I love looking at and hearing that heartbeat

Here's a picture of the bleed in relation to where baby is hanging out

They drew more blood and did other "normal check up" stuff at the OB.  They want to see me again in a month (we'll see if I can still talk them into an ultrasound then haha.)  I'm still trying to get my insurance to cover the prescription prenatal that I need- but I'd rather battle insurance than active bleeding so I can't complain.

Overall, I am...happy!  I keep quoting My Big Fat Greek Wedding.  "We never think this day would come, never!"  I'm still trying to believe that after 6 losses I have a healthy baby in there!!  I couldn't do it without all of you amazing people that God put in my life.  He knew I couldn't do it alone.  Keep praying, it's working for us!  Baby sends a high five.  Just look at that adorable little hand!

(Just think of the size in reference to a screenshot)

7 week update

This has been the most difficult week yet.  It also has been a week of miracles.  In the end-what matters is that we have made it to 7 weeks!  Halfway through the dreaded first trimester!  Baby is now the size of a blueberry! 

This week started out great, as I wrote in my last post, we saw baby's heartbeat and normal development.  In the few days that followed, my anxiety was lessened slightly and I tried to focus on being excited.  I even allowed myself to buy the first item of baby clothing.  I love these cute little pj's!  Who can turn down organic cotton?  I'm a sucker for all things Burt's Bees.  I bought it as an act of faith (trying to encourage myself)- but I still saved the receipt because the idea of another baby still feels like a fairy tale.  I have since thrown the receipt away- go me! 

Jack has been so excited since we told him the news. It has been a sweet experience to hear his prayers and thoughts regarding the baby. He is going to have a hard time waiting for December- he wants to be a big brother now! I can't wait to see them together. He has asked me "if this baby is going to die, or be a miracle baby like him."  I always try to reassure him despite my fears. We had a great time at the zoo this last weekend with all the fertility clinic patients at our annual party. It felt great to be one of the pregnant ones there. I saw all the other little miracles and was reminded that maybe everything would actually be ok.

I've been really sick and congested with allergies and a cold. Without being able to take anything for it, I had a hard time sleeping for several days in a row. I told myself contently, "If this is really the worst I'm going through with this pregnancy right now, I should be on cloud nine." I was doing pretty good. Happy. Then, Saturday night came.

I noticed some spotting. It was old blood, so I knew I shouldn't be overly concerned. A little bit of old blood discharged can be normal in pregnancy. I took a deep breath, turned on the shower for the steam, to try and help with the congestion, and sat in the bathroom trying to stay calm. Kevin came in and I tried to tell him calmly that I noticed old blood- that it was probably nothing, but my emotions took over. I had a bit of a panic attack. I never had bleeding with Jack. All of my losses started with me seeing old blood. It was the worst trigger I could imagine. I was trying so hard to have faith but I was worried the bleeding would pick up. Kevin sat with me until my sobs subsided. I reluctantly went to bed, knowing that we wouldn't know one way or the other until more time passed. I was hoping that morning would come without any more signs of a problem.

I snapped awake at 230am. Something felt off. Cramping and pain. I walked to the bathroom to clean myself up, dreading what I might find. And, sure enough, soaking through the tissue was bright red blood and fluid. I numbly walked into the bedroom, turned on the lamp, and woke Kevin to tell him I was bleeding. Really bleeding. In that moment. my heart broke. How could this happen? My 8th pregnancy? After the baby was growing so well? Was it really my ability to carry all along?

My brother came over about 3 to sit with Jack and Kevin and I went to the hospital. I got more compassion at the hospital than I expected. Miscarriages are common and there's nothing they can do to stop them.  Just diagnose them and maybe prescribe some pain medication.  But it wasn't like we could just try again! This wasn't a loss between babies 2 and 3- this was our miracle baby. After 6 losses.  Finally we had a healthy baby and now perhaps my womb was rejecting it.  I knew that no one would understand that.  Sitting in the waiting room I felt so angry.  How was I supposed to live through this?  Where could I possibly go from here?  Were we entirely out of options?  It was Mother's Day.  Mother's Day!  It felt like a cruel joke- like getting kicked when I was down.  We couldn't stop thinking about Jack.  How excited he was.  I felt like I let him down.

most miserable middle of the night trip ever

After getting checked in and put in my room, it felt like a long wait to confirm our worst fears.  I wondered if baby might still be there, but I wouldn't even let myself hope.  I couldn't sleep while we waited, obviously.  I told Kevin I didn't want to live through this again.  He was at my side constantly and tried to comfort me, even though we had only had two hours of sleep and he was in the uncomfortable chair while I got the bed.  I knew he had tests and quizzes to answer to in the morning. I knew he had a 60 hour work week for the 2nd week in a row.  But he was there- fully present and being strong for me.  His emotions were high.  He was devastated, but nothing but loving and supportive to me.  I married up.  

Candid picture of a loving (and worried) daddy and husband

The time came and they wheeled my bed back to ultrasound.  I was so numb waiting for the news that baby had died.  And then.  A heartbeat!  It didn't even register in my mind.  After 6 losses, we have never had good news after bleeding.  Ever.  We have a little fighter on our hands!  He or she was absolutely beautiful.

Happy Mother's Day Miracle

The ultrasound tech even let us take an "illegal video" during the procedure.  Since it was mother's day and all.  You can see the heartbeat in the video (that gorgeous little flicker):  

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jbrK4JVvo9o

The hospital thought I may have a subchorionic hemorrhage- basically a bleed in the womb.  I knew that was the best possible outcome for the situation, but it's still nerve racking.  I have known people that lost babies to these bleeds, and others who had healthy babies in spite of them.  The hardest thing for me to square with was the fact that we finally get a normally developing baby, and then we have a totally different complication come up.  It's a trial of faith.  I should have known this wasn't going to be easy for us.  Fortunately I was no longer on the Lovenox injections.  They had me stop the aspirin too until I could talk to a specialist.  They discharged me basically on modified bed rest until I could go get the bleed checked out by the MFM and see what we were up against.  It looked like the bleed was away from the gestational sac which was reassuring.  The doctor discharged us saying he wasn't sure which way the pregnancy would go, but for now, the baby was ok.  That's all I could ask for at the moment. 

When we got home that morning, maybe around 8am, I was exhausted in every way possible.  Physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, you name it.  I thought we would put a movie on for Jack and try to sleep for an hour or two, but, it was Mother's Day, and Kevin went right to work making me breakfast in bed.  Seriously you guys <3  Then he stayed up with Jack and let me sleep until the early afternoon.  I woke up feeling pretty numb, probably from the sheer amount of emotions I had experienced in a short period of time.

We spent the rest of Mother's Day with family and everyone jumped on board Operation: Save Baby.  I had so much love and support from everyone.  I spent the day laying on my left side as much as possible, and the bleeding slowed down until it stopped.  My hubby, brothers, and brothers in law gave baby and I a beautiful priesthood blessing of healing.  I felt comforted and reassured.

The next day I went to the Maternal Fetal Medicine clinic, nervous as ever.  They checked on baby and said everything looked great.  They didn't see any sign of a major bleed.  Baby's heart rate and size were right on.  What a miracle.  I didn't have to stay on bed rest, and I've started my aspirin again.  I'm just trying to take it easy.  I feel so strongly that the Lord blessed me through the priesthood and really healed the issue.  I have my next ultrasound in a week at the regular OB office.  I hope we don't have to endure any more scares before then.

The only other issue this week was my concern about my prescription Deplin.  It's 15mg of converted folate for people with MTHFR to be able to absorb it.  In doses that high it's used also as a medical food to help treat depression.  I started wondering if the dose was way too high to be considered safe for baby.  Keep in mind a normal dose for pregnant women is closer to 800 MICROGRAMS.  With all the research I did and all the medical staff I contacted- the best we could come up with is that it's "probably" safe but has not been studied.  It didn't sit well with me.  It's hard to get toxic levels of folate since it's water soluble, but I didn't want to be taking anything that may give baby extreme doses of anything.  Kevin and I were kind of concerned about me switching at 7 weeks, especially after having been on it for 2 years- but I think going to a prescription prenatal plus an additional supplement will be safer.  It will be closer to 2mg folate instead of 15.  Just in case.  I'll probably get nasty migraines going off the Deplin and may start to feel more depressed, but I think I'll feel better playing it safe.  I'm just doing the best I can.  Usually the docs leave the decisions up to me when it comes to this stuff.  I just try to be prayerful.  It starts early- not knowing what is best for your kids. Hahaha.

When I was driving back home after all the appointments were over and I was just told to rest up for the week as much as possible- I saw the most beautiful rainbow.  It seemed to cover the whole valley.  I felt a warm smile spread inside me.  It was a reminder to me that God keeps his promises- just as it was a reminder to Noah.  Keep growing little rainbow- we already love you so much it hurts.

I asked Jack to take a picture of the rainbow for me- I got about 50 of these.  

Heartbeat

I did not sleep at all last night.  Aside from fighting off a cold, I was tossing and turning and dreaming of ultrasounds.  I was up every hour and I never thought morning would come.  When morning came, I felt super sick to my stomach.  I couldn't tell if it was morning sickness or nerves, but I tried to take it as a good sign.

We made the hour trip to the MFM and sitting in that waiting room was about the most painful experience ever!  Was my baby going to be healthy or not?  Alive or not?  The ultrasound tech surprised me and said she was going to try to just use a belly ultrasound instead of a vaginal one- which I thought was unheard of this early.  She pushed the wand down into my belly, and immediately- there was baby.  I saw him or her right away.  I heard myself gasp because there was that unmistakable flicker- a heartbeat.  She measured the cardiac activity and said every thing was normal- heart rate was 144 (so perfect!)  I think I was in shock.  I didn't cry or gush or anything- I was just totally numb to what was actually happening!  How could this be real?  The babe was measuring 6 weeks and one day, which is exactly where I am- that keeps my due date as December 28th of this year.  Now I really can't wait for Christmas!

The doctor came in to talk to us.  He reminded us that we're "not out of the woods yet" but after such a victory I don't really care.  My family has four heartbeats!  That is the best mother's day present I could ever ask for.

I told myself I would relax once I passed six weeks.  Then I told myself I would relax once we saw a heartbeat.  I am still trying to relax.  I know some anxiety is going to be normal- but I really am doing my best to enjoy it.  I have so much joy knowing there is a live and healthy baby growing right now.  I just need to focus on that day by day, and as time goes on I think I'll accept our risks getting lower. We have worked so hard for this for so many years, I really want to love every minute! I have just under two more weeks until our next ultrasound to check how baby has grown.  I'm trying to plan on everything going perfectly.  I know we have an entire prayer army out there.  I never have to feel alone.

Worth It

my TWO babies!!

If anyone wants to watch Jack's adorable reaction to the news, I'll put the link below.

https://youtu.be/JMihtbEXsRU

I love you all and thank you, truly, from the bottom of my heart, for your support.  You all remind me how wonderful the world really is.  I have to also thank my Heavenly Father- who has been more than patient with me, has taught me so much, and is blessing me with my fondest dream. <3

6 week update

This baby has officially lived longer than all my losses!  We're at 6 weeks today and I have not made it this far without a major problem since my pregnancy with Jack in 2011.  Though I have had some moments that have worried me (because I'm naturally very anxious) we have not had any major problems or red flags to be concerned about.  I'm just trying to breathe calmly through today because tomorrow we will have an ultrasound to check for a beautiful little heartbeat.  If my baby has a heartbeat, our risk of miscarriage drops substantially.  I haven't seen a heartbeat since Jack's first ultrasound.  I have often wondered if I would be privileged to ever experience that moment again.  It still sounds like a fairy tale.  It would be a literal dream come true and I'm praying with my whole soul that we get to celebrate that tomorrow.  May 1st was Bereaved Mother's Day and I spent most of the day thinking about other women I know who have lost children, instead of myself.  I feel like this year has been different so far.  It's a wonderful feeling and I hope to be able to stay positive.

This week has been more relaxing and less dramatic thankfully.  My symptoms for the most part have been reassuring. I've felt changes in my body every day, and I've started to feel sick.  I have crazy vivid dreams and restless sleep just like my first trimester with Jack.  Haha- yay!

I have loved watching how my baby should be growing this week!

Jack has asked me about why I was going to the doctor so often and why I've been doing shots in my tummy every night.  I told him I had some health issues they were trying to help me with and talked to him about blood clots.  He asked, "Are they trying to figure out that baby growing problem?"  I told him yes and he excitedly said, "When they figure out how to help you grow a baby again, I will get to have a little brother or sister and I won't have to play by myself anymore!"  I want to be able to give him that sooo much.  I know how much joy he would have in being a big brother.  If we see a heartbeat tomorrow, we're planning on telling him.  Everyone else in the family (and probably the world) knows and it almost gets spoiled for him daily.  I want to give him this t-shirt, and let him read it and figure it out.  I would love an ultrasound picture to give him with it.

The shots were getting more painful as time went on, but I did my very last one last night!! Such a happy moment.  It has been a trying thing for me.  I tried to be brave about it but I just don't have a high pain threshold and it was getting so painful to move.  As long as everything continues normally I won't have to do any more the rest of the pregnancy! No more shots!!! :D

 On that note of having a sore belly.  I've started to feel that extreme bloat this week.  Maybe it's just because I've been through these beginning hormones so many times, I don't know, but my pants were already getting uncomfortable!  I think I could have handled them just being tight, but they were all pushing against the bruises (even my leggings!) and finally I said screw it, I'll start in maternity pants early.  And what a relief it was!  No more belly pain with pants pushing into my bloated bruised belly! I have some extra around the middle to start with, but I'm surprised how little I'm able to "suck it in" already.  I'm going to look further along than I am.  Just like I did with Jack (people thought I was due to deliver by the time I was 20 weeks with him.)

I love these pants! Comfort at last!  I wish I didn't just look extra chubby but I'm happy to take it!
It was exciting, but a little emotional to shop for these pants in the maternity store.  They wanted me to sign up for coupons that go with your due date (like nursing coupons that show up when you're almost due etc) but I was still too scared to sign up for them.  So many times I've had a formula sample show up with a note that said "congrats on your one week old!" and I would just cry and cry with empty arms.  When I was finished shopping, the girl working smiled and told me "Congratulations!" again and cut me a beautiful carnation from the bouquet at the counter.  She handed it to me and said "Happy Mother's Day!"  I almost cried right there in the mall.  I was so emotional.  Someone gave me a flower and was celebrating the fact that I am pregnant, with no strings attached.  She didn't know my history.  She had no reason to doubt that my baby would be born healthy.  It was so refreshing to feel like my baby was real to someone.  Best mother's day present ever.

I will probably post again after our ultrasound- please keep those wonderful prayers coming!  I need them especially this week!  Thanks for your love and constant reaching out.  I love you all so much!