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| Aidia 6 months |
So here's a shout out- to anyone in similar circumstances.
To you, who never wants to feel anything but happy because by some miracle, your baby made it to you alive. Your joy is so full and overwhelming. It's such a relief to be engulfed by such happiness and to be content for the first time in a long time. But all those big and devastating emotions you felt repeatedly through the years don't just disappear instantly. They have to go somewhere.
Sometimes it's hard to know how to process those "left over" feelings in this new season of bliss.
You still mourn your little lost ones.
You still have trigger moments.
A little over a month ago, we moved Aidia into her own room and I realized just how much postpartum anxiety I really have. I knew in my mind it was the best thing for her because she is such a light sleeper. She was constantly being awakened by us tiptoeing around our room. We would even brush our teeth in the closet and still she would toss and turn. I did want her to sleep better for all of our sakes. I have a video monitor that responds to sound and/or movement. I have her on an oxygen and heart rate monitor all night that I can check from my phone or its base station. So WHY did the idea of being more than an arm's length away from my baby send me into such a spiral?
But with the help of my supportive husband- we gave it a try. Instead of sleeping better, I had three panic attacks in three nights. I would lay down, check on her with my multiple monitors, but the second I touched my head to the pillow, my thoughts raced unceasingly.
"What if there's a fire and I can't get to her because I'm trapped on one side of it and she's on the other."
"Her window is locked but we forgot to reinforce it with wood today so someone could get in." (Everything has since been reinforced to ease my mind- thank you hubby.)
And so on and so forth. I would have horrible graphic nightmares. The kind that are burned into your memory. And it's hard to explain, but in that moment all these bizarre scenarios feel SO REAL and I was overcome with guilt if I were to TRY to sleep. So I forced myself to stay awake. When I started feeling sleep overtaking me, the panic attack would start.
The third night, and the third time it happened, was the most severe episode I've ever experienced. Kevin thought for a moment that I was having a seizure. I couldn't feel my hands or feet. I couldn't see. I had so much chest pain and I just felt myself flop over and start twitching around. I was really out of it- kind of like I was watching it happen from outside my body. Kevin pulled me up and propped me up on a pillow and immediately went into the baby's room. He set up the Pack n Play right next to our bed, and moved Aidia into it to sleep by us for the night. Immediately I was calm and slept all night. It's like ACTUAL separation anxiety.
But guess what- it's been getting better. After that episode I decided to go get some help. Which is SO HARD. I am a huge fan of counseling, but it's not always possible right in the moment that you need to start seeing a counselor again. My former grief counselor told me I was showing signs of PTSD after all my losses but before I was pregnant with Aidia. It makes sense that some of those problems would linger. I had medication that really helped me before, but I can't take it while I'm nursing. And "safe while nursing" meds have not always been a good match for me.
So I went and had a really uncomfortable conversation with my doctor. But I'm glad I did. I feel like just doing something and admitting the problem helped start the healing process. I now have some new medication. I can't usually take it during the day because it makes me tired and kind of nauseous, but it does help me on the bad nights that I feel panic coming on. I've taken medicine on the nights when I feel that build up, and I haven't had a full panic attack in a month!
I also reached out to my support group (and can I just say I belong to the most wonderful online support group in the world) and I found many women struggling with similar things after their losses. We discussed all those feelings that you just can't "quite put your finger on" but they make you do weird things. Like many of us don't buy clearance clothes that are several sizes too big because it's like... you wonder if your child will still be around. Probably comes from never buying baby clothes too early in a pregnancy. Some women confessed to never taking tags off of new clothes until dressing the baby in them- just in case. Some mothers have talked to me about how they can't sleep if their baby isn't in their arms, or if their baby isn't in the room- even older babies past a year old. One particular story resonated with me. The mother told me she had been awake all night going over this scenario in her mind. If her van went into a lake, which one of her kids would she need to get to first in order to save them both? She agonized over this decision and was discussing which carseat would be harder to get to, or if the baby vs. the older child would need assistance first. An impossible choice in a fake situation that's highly unlikely to happen. And yet it keeps her awake at night. We know it sounds crazy- but talking about the crazy helps everyone. Just because it seems ridiculous doesn't mean it doesn't plague your life.
I'm working on leaving Aidia with Kevin for a couple hours at a time, and I've left her with her grandma a few times for short periods. It's still hard but it's getting better. I'm really working at it! I may still have to take a few deep breaths before I let someone else hold her. But progress is progress. I try to be logical about it- I really do. But logic can't make the sick feeling in the pit of your stomach go away. I'm a believer that you can't live your life waiting in fear and that's why I'm working to manage my anxiety.
Fellow mamas- postpartum anxiety is SO COMMON especially if you've had other issues to complicate your concern for your baby. Some research suggests it is even more common than postpartum depression (or goes right along with it.)
It is okay to feel like this! You are validated! I feel so embarrassed after an episode but my husband is very loving and reassures me. So if you are going through this before or after your miracle, I'm here to reassure you and encourage you to find help and support.
What if we treated physical issues like we did mental issues? Scary to think about. Why are we SO hard on ourselves? Maybe that's why our body ends up "acting out" in such physical ways. It's saying, "Hey! I need some help!" I've struggled with really severe headaches since Aidia was born. But I find that when my emotional health is better- my headaches get better for the most part.
I loved this article if you want to read more about parenting after miscarriage or loss:
http://beckythompson.com/2017/06/12/parenting-after-miscarriage-exposing-the-underlying-fear/
Anxiety can sneak up on you. You could be having a totally normal day, and then feel like you can't go anywhere because you just KNOW you're going to get into a car accident with your babies in the car. But when you push through it as much as you're able, and practice good self-care, it gets better.
It's a haunting realization to think... If I had given up after 5 losses or even after 6, I wouldn't have Aidia. I can't give up the fight now to enjoy her and not live life in fear!
I also worry about ripple effects from being too anxious at home. Jack is getting a little old for me to be sharing his feelings on the internet, but this experience really spoke to me and motivated me to work harder on my problems. He has this recurring nightmare about his baby sister dying- often by very violent means (and no, I don't let him watch anything more violent than power rangers.) I woke up to his sobs about a week after we moved Aidia into her own room. He came into my room and he was sobbing her name. It was the same bad dream. I showed him all my monitors and told him that sometimes I also get scared that Aidia is ok at night, but looking at these help me feel better. That calmed him down and he was able to go back to sleep after checking on her. He was so worried through the whole pregnancy right along with me. He's experienced these traumas and losses right alongside me as he's grown up. Now he's nearly 6 and responds well to logic. It helps ME to explain things to him and comfort him. It's the reminder that I need. But I certainly empathize with his worries! He's doing better, and has this nightmare less often than he used to.
People seem to justify challenges with logistical reasons- for example, "you lost all those babies because you weren't supposed to have another kid before Kevin finished his doctorate, it would have been too hard." I refuse to see life that way. To see God that way. Like do people think it was easier going through school having losses?! People have kids when they're poor and overworked all the time. However, I do believe that God guides us through challenges to change us into better versions of ourselves. I am a changed person. I can see the changes in myself just by looking back through the years of blog posts I've shared.
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| Her special "Omera" quilt! |
I love how sing-songy Aidia is. Her little voice lifts my spirits. I love watching the love Jack has for her too. Baby girl has Daddy wrapped around her little finger. She was worth the journey! And to anyone struggling with anxiety of any kind- you are not alone! Help is available. Getting help provides the tools needed for you to live a happy life. I'm living proof!
