Every time I look at Aidia...it's confirmation that God heard every one of my prayers. He never abandoned me in my grief and I'm glad I understood just enough of that to keep going.
There are rare times in life where you become thankful for how impossibly difficult your trials were. The joy truly matches the struggle and pain- and far surpasses it.
After writing so much over the years about our dreams of having another child, it would seem ungrateful to not follow up and speak of how wonderful it is! Aidia is a little over 11 weeks old now! She is healthy and thriving and the most gorgeous little person I have ever seen. Even now, writing this, I still cannot believe that my blog now joins the league of the blogs that offer hope after recording the struggle. It seemed so impossible. And yet, here we are! It truly speaks to the love our Heavenly Father has for us. It is now my testimony that MIRACLES HAPPEN! I want to go back in time and hug my past self for never giving up that last tiny bit of hope. I would tell myself that dreams come true and to keep fighting for it.
I started writing this blog after my third miscarriage. That was nearly 4 years ago. I couldn't have imagined that I would go on to lose 3 more before meeting my daughter. Those of you who have been reading since then know what a hard and painful road we have traveled. The grief and sorrow nearly overtook my entire life. Now I feel a responsibility to testify of God's love and miracles. If anyone had reason to doubt, it was me. I miscarried six babies in a row- how on earth did my pregnancy that followed all those losses bring me a perfect little girl?
Sometimes God really does give us the desires of our hearts after we've done literally everything we can. I was preparing myself to find the faith "not to be healed." I was trying to square away how I would live my life and keep my faith if I never had another baby born alive. And yet, when I was finally able to surrender that will (and I was pretty stubborn about it), that bitter cup was taken from us, and a little angel came into our home. She heals my heart each day. Every single day feels like a gift- in a way I would not have understood had it not been for the loss I experienced first. Some nights when I rock her to sleep I feel literally overwhelmed with gratitude- like please don't let this be a dream. I love her so much it hurts!!
So many little moments have been cause for celebration! I nearly cried when I got that beautiful piece of paper in the mail that read "Certificate of Live Birth." Live birth. With my name as the mother. My heart overflows.
Life still has its moments. We had a sudden move when Aidia wasn't even a month old yet and our whole world got flipped upside down. I kind of felt like I was plucked right out of my support system immediately after having a baby. My five year old can no longer attend school all day, we had to give away our doggie, and start all over with meeting people. Kevin just officially started his career and there is plenty of stress for him (despite loving his job) with long and busy hours. Then he gets to come home to two screaming children and a frazzled wife after work. He's my hero.
I've struggled quite a bit with postpartum depression and anxiety- it makes me feel so guilty to struggle because I love my baby more than anything. Luckily I've had no trouble connecting and bonding with her despite feeling depressed. But I struggled before I was pregnant so I knew I was at risk postpartum. I've also learned that those who have had extreme anxiety during pregnancy (...like me trying to be brave while pregnant after recurrent loss...) are very likely to have that anxiety linger on after birth. I'm praying a lot to get me through it because I simply don't feel comfortable with going back on medication while exclusively breastfeeding. Baby girl eats so often, and won't suck on a bottle (even though we continue to try.) So even if I decided to bottle feed...it wouldn't really be an option. However, breastfeeding is very important to me so it is worth suffering through being med-free to enjoy these moments with my baby (and I think breastfeeding helps with feeling happy.)
I lost about 22 pounds by the time Aidia was 2 weeks old, and that's where my weight has stayed. I do want to start exercising soon, but Kevin says I need physical therapy first so I don't injure my back further. He's probably right.... I should involve Jack with my exercising because he has been such a handful since moving- almost impossible some days. But I know his whole world was just changed all at once too- so we're taking it a day at a time the best we can.
When I was in grief counseling, I talked a lot about my triggers for panic attacks. One of the best things I've experienced since Aidia's birth is that the triggers have lessened immensely. I can go to church without running out in tears. I can grocery shop without a brick in my stomach and tears behind my eyes. I even went to a diaper shower today and enjoyed it- I was genuinely happy to celebrate new babies coming into the world. Having Aidia doesn't automatically take away my sorrow for my six lost ones- but I feel healed in a new way. There's a little guilt for feeling better about my losses- but I'm sure that is normal. I've put on my ring with my lost babies' "birthstones" in it (the months that I lost them in). All six are different and it makes the ring look like a rainbow- it's so fitting now that I hold my rainbow baby in my arms.
When things are painful now, it's easier to run away from them. I don't need to have the baby-hungry hurt anymore, because I have a baby at home. There is still fear of losing more pregnancies in the future, and still hurt from the past- but I'm taking this season to rest from the pain and worries and just enjoy this most beautiful gift from my Heavenly Father.
