31 week update

It has been a good week!  I am getting much bigger.  It's now pretty impossible to sleep, roll over, walk without waddling or pain, all that good stuff.  It's a good sign that baby is growing like she should.  I'm also getting more impatient about December coming, I feel so ready to have her in my arms (not yet baby...I will try to be patient.)  I'm feeling more tired during the days and restless at night, so I really hope I can start nesting soon so I feel like the house is ready.  Kevin takes his DPT licensing exam tomorrow, so hopefully after all that is over, we will have more time together to finish all the little projects that I feel have to be done before she can be born.

Jack is also really excited for the baby to come home.  This week he made a paper chain while he had a break from school to help us countdown the days.  He is already the sweetest brother.  He spent hours coloring the little strips with "everything she needs to know."  Lots of the chain links say things like "red apple" or "purple grapes" along with a picture.  I'm so proud of Jack.  He only turned 5 six weeks ago and this morning his teacher told me she is sending him with the first grade reading groups because he has finished the Kindergarten levels.  I'm such a proud mama.

One neat experience this week was watching awareness being raised for miscarriage and recurrent loss.  Since it is so common to miscarry at least one baby in your reproductive life (1 in 4 women) I am a huge advocate for awareness and progressive thinking regarding support for these women.  The rule that you "have to wait 12 weeks" to tell anyone you are pregnant in case you lose the baby is so outdated.  We should recognize that those who do lose their baby are going to need a support system around them.  They need medical attention but also help for grief and depression they may experience, as well as a safe place to ask questions, vent, and find support.  This is one of the reasons I've been so open on my blog- it doesn't need to be taboo!  Certainly people are entitled to their privacy, but resources should be available as well.  A friend of mine who has experienced recurrent loss wrote a blog post about "the 1 in 4" that went somewhat viral.  The Today Show featured her story in an article.  The cool part was that I was invited to participate!

They were unable to get the disclosures to go through by the deadline for the article, but they do have my information should they decide to run an on air segment.  Just to be invited was an honor.  No matter if my story is featured or not, the important thing is helping mommies (and daddies) to realize they are not alone in this struggle.

Little Aidia was a good helper this week and turned head down (what a relief!)  As long as she doesn't turn back, we won't have to worry about any complications from her being breech.  She is getting so big!  She should be between 3-4 pounds now and all five senses are fully operational!  She is almost ready to greet the world.  It was such an amazing experience this week to have a 3D ultrasound!  They didn't have the HD live equipment, so it wasn't a flawless science, but the fact that sound waves can piece together a live 3D picture is incredible.  I have the ultrasound on DVD and I love just sitting and watching it.  Since the science isn't perfect, we don't get the most accurate picture of what our baby looks like (like her nose looks bigger and more flat, and part of her head won't show up due to the position of the placenta) but still!  I got to see her smile!  She has beautiful lips and the sweetest dimple!  We have a CD with like 75 pictures on it.  Not bad since she isn't even born yet!  I can't wait to see and kiss those cute cheeks.

those lips!

Even though the pictures are distorted and she has two months left to grow, I couldn't help but think of baby Jack as a newborn.  Thinking about these two babies as siblings makes my heart nearly burst.  I really never thought I'd be able to use the words "biological siblings" and thinking about a family resemblance has made me awestruck all over again that this is happening.

I especially see it in this picture!

Gestational Diabetes has been an interesting journey this week.  My fingers are sore from 4 sticks a day, but I'm getting better at figuring out where to poke so it's less painful.  My numbers have been great and it's been easy to avoid sugar spikes by following the diet.  The problem has been I've been starving, and between Tuesday and Sunday I lost 2 pounds, which put me one pound away from my pre-pregnancy weight.  I called the doctor when I noticed the weight drop and they had me come in for an extra check up.  What matters most is that baby is still growing at a 1/2 pound a week.  Since my sugars were so well within range, we talked about "cheating" more on the diet, and getting more calories and carbs as long as my glucose stays within range.  So I've been playing with that.  I've been eating more, and out of about 30 tests I've only been out of range 3 times (by 3-6 points) so I feel good about that.  I meet with the diabetes clinic today to talk more about it.

My fur baby had his first birthday this week!  I'm so glad I have Mozart.  Jack and Kevin have long days and he has been so good for me emotionally.  I'm glad he's part of our family, even though he is a lot of work and just straight up annoying sometimes haha.  I think he will have the hardest time adjusting to the new baby.

30 week update

We are enjoying this beautiful fall season!

This week I got the call with the official diagnosis of Gestational Diabetes. The doctor told me I would have passed before they made the standards more strict, but that I did fail by one point. Go me! I did most of my complaining about it last week- I feel more ready to tackle the challenge now. Even though I still get depressed about the situation sometimes. It's been hard to get the "diabetes stigma" out of my head because every time I talk about having it I feel fat, sick, and lazy. But I continue to remind myself it's a hormone thing and out of my control. In fact, at my doctor appointment this week they told me my weight has been the same to the pound for a month and I really need to be gaining at least a half pound a week. So...balance. I feel like I'm on the Atkins diet but am still expected to eat extra calories somehow without spiking my sugar. I'm sure with practice I'll get it. Sometimes miracles take a lot of hard work.

I went to my first appointment at the Diabetes Clinic today.  It was overwhelming- as I'm sure is normal.  I don't like the finger sticks- but I'm going to have to suck it up until I'm 6 weeks postpartum at least.  Honestly the "worst" part (even though it's good news) is I had a terrible lunch before I went- like the worst I've had in a week, and I warned them my sugar was going to be bad because it had only been an hour.  It came back perfect at 87.  Like, do I even have GD???!!  But alas, this is going to be my life now.  I didn't know I needed to test for ketones daily too.  They also want me to get enough carbs and gain weight for baby, so if that's out of balance I could get ketones which is bad.  They said ketones can give your baby a low IQ.  Ok...I will watch out for that.

This week I have been amazed by the generosity of people! I am floored by the goodness of humanity that sometimes is easy to overlook when you read the news. I've had gifts show up from people who I would never expect a gift from.  From those whose relationship with me has been mostly online only, or people I haven't seen in a decade.  There is so much love and goodness available in the world- and I am so blessed to have people all over that love me!  I never expected people to reach out in the way that has happened.  I feel like the world is celebrating our miracle with us, what a fantastic blessing and reminder of all that is good in the world!  I didn't ask for these gifts, so I get emotional when I realize how deeply others have felt what we have been through.

 

We passed October 15th this week (pregnancy and infant loss awareness day) and it was the best Best Wave of Light we've celebrated in many years!  Each year on this day we've lit a candle for each of our little lost ones.  I think the first time we participated we had three candles, and then we had to add one each year until we had six.  This was the first year where my number of candles was the same as the previous year!  It was a wonderful peaceful feeling to remember those losses and everything we went through, while feeling my miracle baby move around.  I still can't believe that we're one of the lucky ones to overcome Recurrent Pregnancy Loss.  I clicked on the hashtag #waveoflight and read all kinds of incredible stories from all over of those remembering their babies.  It was a beautiful and sad day to be a part of.  I'm thankful for each one of my babies.

For a fun family activity we were able to go to the pumpkin patch!  It's interesting to think about these activities as the last time as the 3 of us.  I'm trying to enjoy this special time we've had with Jack as an only child, and I'm really looking forward to being a family of 4.

I was so thrilled to have my 30 week maternity photo shoot!  This was such a major step for me.  I remember my best friend and I planning the shoot in the spring and talking about what we would do.  I always had this sinking feeling when we spoke about it like "I'm never going to make it that far."  But I did!  And now we will have family pictures of the 4 of us together, no matter what happens (I know that sounds morbid, but once again, it's a relief to me after dealing with the anxiety of loss.)  The setting of many of the pictures is beautiful, cold, and dead- basically a frozen Autumn.  I love the feel of the pictures because it looks so symbolic.  Everything may be dead within view, but then there is new life, bursting right in the focal point of the shot.  It's a miracle.  Such emotional photographs- I can't help but think of everything Aidia and I have overcome together.  I only have the one "sneak peek" photo so far, I can't wait to see the rest of them.

Never Give Up

On to the medical issues of the week...

I've had some really hard choices to make this week.  It's been very stressful and emotional for me because I tended to get really overwhelmed and felt like I didn't know how to keep my baby safe.  I've done lots of research and said lots of prayer hoping to find a peaceful solution.

When I was pregnant with Jack, I took baby aspirin all the way through delivery and stayed on it for the first 6 weeks postpartum to help prevent blood clots.  I knew there was a slight increase risk for hemorrhaging in delivery but I wasn't too concerned about it since it was a low dose.  Everything was fine, we didn't have any complications.  I assumed I would pursue the same course of action with this baby.  I did Lovenox injections for the first little while in this pregnancy, but if the MFM decided it was overkill in pregnancy, how would it not be overkill postpartum?

The problem with blood clotting prevention is that it can be dangerous to not take precautions, but taking blood thinners can have dangerous side effects too.  It is a game of risk vs. benefit for each medication.  The issue is in the more than 5 years that have passed, every doctor I've talked to has a different opinion.  My OB this time around was concerned about Patent Ductus Arteriosus and Atrial Septal Defect- which basically means the holes in baby's heart that are supposed to close after birth may not close completely if I stay on the aspirin.  However, I can't imagine feeling comfortable with stopping thinners at the most dangerous time of the pregnancy.  Especially when I think of placenta and cord function in the last few weeks.  I tried to ask him more in depth questions about the risks, but his answers were for me to try and call a neonatologist at the hospital or try to call a pediatrician (isn't that your job to do phone consults for a patient?)

I was also concerned about breastfeeding on aspirin because I was worried about Reye's Syndrome, which can be fatal, and is avoided by not giving aspirin to children.  I read that baby can get about 4% of the dose I take through the milk, and if I'm on a low dose anyway it's "probably" ok- but it's possible the aspirin can build up over time.  I talked to other women in my same situation and tried to weigh all my options.

So I decided to write out what I remembered different doctors telling me and do some research in medical journals.  What I found was very poor quality evidence and case studies (since there aren't usually controlled studies with pregnant women, it's too dangerous.)  Here's my list I jotted of the different instructions I've been given:

Hematologist: If the pregnancy is healthy- baby aspirin through the pregnancy and six weeks postpartum.  If continued miscarriage introduce Lovenox.

MFM- Lovenox through the pregnancy and six weeks postpartum

MFM- Lovenox is overkill, stick with aspirin

OB- Just Aspirin

RE- It's kind of up to you- indication could go either way

MFM- Stop baby aspirin at 32 weeks, no blood thinners until delivery, then Lovenox injections 6 weeks postpartum

MFM- Stop aspirin at 34 weeks, no thinners until delivery, Heparin injections 6 weeks postpartum.  Aspirin should not be used as a blood thinner for pregnancy (seems to think I’m only on it as treatment for recurrent miscarriage not actual clotting risk.)

OB- Baby aspirin through delivery and 6 weeks postpartum

OB-Stop aspirin at 36 weeks, resume after delivery, 6 weeks postpartum.  Perhaps Lovenox postpartum instead.

From the reading I did, it seems that Patent Ductus Arteriosus (or the opposite problem where it closes too early in the womb) is pretty rare.  This risk wasn't even discussed with me when we had Jack!  Baby aspirin being considered a reason for it happening is in less than 0.5% of cases.  I read about the signs and symptoms of it and I made the hard decision to continue the aspirin because I feel like that birth defect is rare and less scary than a sudden clot/issue in the placenta/risk of stillbirth.  Most correlations seemed to be in regards to much higher doses of NSAIDS.  Sometimes that birth defect just happens anyway- so normal care and monitoring should catch any issue.  Guilt would haunt me forever if something happened because of a choice I made.  But sometimes you just have to pick a plan, do your best, and go forward in faith.  I'm doing my best to keep her (and me) safe.  I'm going to breastfeed while taking it too- but I'll try to time taking it and nursing so she gets the least amount possible.

I'll probably still call the pediatrician.  Maybe I'll see if I can't get an email for a neonatologist who might take pity on me even though I'm not a patient and discuss the situation with me.  I don't really think it would change anything though, so maybe not.  Stress is high- but I am feeling better having made a decision than I did several days ago when I was totally overwhelmed.  We can do this!

 

29 week update

This has been a really hard week.  No sugar coating it.

We started the week with Jack having surgery.  He was so brave and really I can't complain about it- his doctors were fantastic, everything went smoothly, and the insurance approved the procedure.  He had four days of recovery at home and was able to go back to school Monday and has managed amazingly well as he heals.  Nonetheless, it is a scary and stressful event to have your child go through surgery.  The worst part was watching him wake up from the anesthesia.  It was one of the most terrifying experiences.  He was screaming and wailing and rolling all around.  He sobbed that he was hurting and even pulled out his own IV out of his foot.  I was able to get in the bed with him and hold him tight to try and soothe him.  After some pain meds and apple juice we were able to get him back to sleep, and he was much more himself when he woke up the second time.  We had to do a couple asthma treatments because his lungs sounded tight after the procedure, but within two days they were clear again and he was able to get rid of his fever.  I'm so thankful to God for taking care of my boy through the whole experience.

The surgery took a little longer than expected and I made the mistake of checking online to see if my blood work had come back to distract myself.  Well the distraction worked.  I checked my gestational diabetes screen and saw that I had failed it by 8 points.  I felt a rock drop into my stomach.  I passed my screen when I was pregnant with Jack no problem- what could have changed?  I have tried to be so healthy during this pregnancy.  I get less exercise than I did with Jack- mostly due to my back popping and sliding around with every move I make.  I was in full time school with Jack and walked about 2 hours a day between all my classes.  I did some reading on how to be healthy and keep my glucose lower.  One thing was lower stress (hah..hah...hah.)  I felt compelled to try a little more light exercise but this really will not be an easy task because I do struggle with some very real pain from the SPD.

The more I thought about failing the screen the more devastated I felt.  "It's not your fault" they always say- it's just a hormone from the placenta blocking your insulin from working correctly.  It's mostly out of your control.  Even though I was still sure I would pass the 3 hour test I started to feel this horrible guilt and feeling of failure.  Diabetes has such a horrible stigma surrounding it.  I thought my cravings have been pretty healthy- mostly veggies and pitas. Sometimes fresh fruit.  My worst craving is soda, but I tried to keep that under control.  I know sometimes gestational diabetes just happens.  Despite that sinking feeling in my stomach, I tried to put the worry out of my mind until I could do the actual glucose tolerance test.

We focused through the weekend on Jack's recovery and my wonderful family helped so much.  Lots of my siblings (no this isn't all of them, not even close) came over and brought me dinner.  We all ate and partied together and it warmed my heart to see how much love surrounds my son.  He is so lucky to be so insanely loved and cared about by so many wonderful people!

I was able to get Aidia's clothes all washed up and put away in her dresser.  It's helping my stress to check things off my list, and I love seeing our house prepare for a new arrival!  I feel so overwhelmed with love for this sweet miracle baby.  Sometimes it hits me out of nowhere and nearly knocks me off my feet how much I already love her.  I still haven't completely made up my mind about the aspirin/herparin use decisions.  That was stressful enough before the bad sugar screen.  Luckily I still have about two months to decide before it would be time to implement a plan.  Hopefully we can figure that out soon.

Then came the fateful day of the 3 hour test.  They have you fast for 12 hours, have a fasting glucose taken, drink the most horrific drink ever, then test your blood once an hour for the next three hours.  This tracks how your body is processing the glucose.  I felt ready for the 4 blood draws but unfortunately it was much worse than anticipated.  I got a new phlebotomist and she was obviously inexperienced.  My veins are tough to get anyway, and some are scarred.  Add dehydration and fasting to that and it's not a good combination.  She had really painful deep sticks and couldn't always get blood to draw the first time.  I was wishing they would just let the experienced girl draw it instead.  The worst part is you have to stay at the doctor's for four hours without leaving-annnnnd their wifi went out, so I couldn't even watch shows to keep my mind distracted from the nausea the drink causes.  By the last draw, it took her three sticks and I was emotionally done.  Both my arms and hands were beat up, I hadn't had food in 16 hours, I was a pin cushion, emotional about the test anyway (and pregnant.)  I started crying and once it started it was really hard to stop it.  So embarrassing.  One a good note, they let the experienced girl draw my blood once the tears started.  She got it out of my hand on the first try.  It was a miserable experience and I hoped it would be worth it to pass the GTT.

my sore arms and hands :(

 After the GTT I sat in my car and cried for a while.  I think I felt overcome with how hard it can be to be pregnant, especially combined with the anxiety of trying to safely deliver this miracle babe.  I felt like I had hit my breaking point and I couldn't do any more.  I felt like my strength was spent.  Half of that was probably the nausea and hunger talking.  Later that evening, my results were posted online.  I felt that all too familiar rock drop in my stomach again.

Once the shock wore off I realized I was either going to pass or fail by one point.  They would have to decide if failing the two hour mark would be greater than 155, or greater than or EQUAL to 155.  I started to feel that terrible sinking hopeless feeling.  Even if they passed me, my body was not doing great.  Either way I was really going to have to start watching protein and carb ratios to keep baby healthy.  In that moment, adding one more health issue/complication was totally overwhelming.

It may sound over dramatic but diabetes has always been pretty high on my fear list.  The risks and side effects are no picnic.  The management alone is so work intensive.  Finger sticks are my least favorite thing in the entire world.  Having gestational diabetes is an indicator that you may develop regular diabetes later in life (half of women who are diagnosed with GD later develop DM.)  Pregnancy is a stressor that tests your body's ability to control its sugar under stress.  I've always been worried about my family history anyway.

My mind started racing with all the STRESS.  Kevin's licensing test is in two weeks.  We're trying to live on the last loan check we got until his first paycheck (assuming he can get a job by mid-December.)  Baby is coming around the same time.  It's scary to wonder if we'll have an income.  For the first time in this pregnancy, the excitement faded and I felt dread set in.  How am I going to do this?  Can I survive ten weeks of diabetes?  Will it go away right after birth?  6 weeks later?  Am I really strong enough to handle this and haven't we been through enough for this baby already?  I started wondering about the risks to Aidia.  If this really was GD she will need extra monitoring.  She is at risk for hypoglycemia and diabetes later in life.  There's a risk for preeclampsia and pre-term birth.  I think it can all be managed but it hit me all at once.  We all just need to be healthy!  I want to give my baby a healthy start!  Is she really going to be ok?

Some of these feelings come from the frustration of watching my health fly out the window through my 20s.  After I finished nursing Jack (I was almost 22) I started getting really sick and gaining weight.  Eventually it was diagnosed as Hashimotos and we started treatment.  My energy has never been the same, and despite being more careful with diet and exercise I still gained about 10 pounds a year since then.  Six miscarriages in the last 4 years.  Each seemed to worsen my health.  Eventually I was diagnosed with MTHFR.  I was able to see a GI doc and try to get the pelvic floor dyssynergia under control but it got worse first.  I started having really bad anxiety and panic attacks by around age 24.  Depression followed but I was able to be treated and get it under control within a year or so.  I thought your 20s were supposed to be when you were in your best health?!  Now I have bad sugar and I'm concerned about keeping it under control...now and later in life.

I had a really bad panic attack about 430am after dreaming about the blood results all night.  It was the worst I've had in a year.  I couldn't take meds for it, but Kevin sat up with me and helped me try and steady my breathing.  Eventually he gave me a blessing, which is a strength I really needed.  I called the nurse about 830am and she said she wasn't sure what they would do with the 155 mark, I would have to wait for a call from the diabetes nurse to confirm or deny the diagnosis.  It was a long and painful wait today.

Well I prayed for accurate results, but I really wish they would have been a few points higher or lower so it would have been more obvious what we needed to do.  Suddenly food felt like an "enemy" as my friend put it. I'm scared to eat anything that could have too many carbs and be bad for baby.  I'm also scared to not get enough calories.  I don't know what to eat- I look through my kitchen and nothing seems balanced properly.  I need to make a trip to the store for sure.  Goodbye Halloween candy, thanksgiving dinner, and holiday treats.  Goodbye pregnancy cravings.  Most painful of all, goodbye Dr. Pepper my one true vice.

The nurse never did call me back today with the decision.  So my fate is still hanging in the balance haha.  I think all I can do for now is eat the best I can, and try to get some sleep.  Breathe in and out.  Remember that I can do hard things.  Feel my baby kick and remind myself that she is ok.  I will find out what the office decided soon enough.

Sometimes it's an abstract thought to do things for a baby you haven't actually "met" yet.  It helps when I feel her move around and I can remember what all of this is for.  It helps me to think of how much I love Jack Jack and how I would do anything for him.  We got his birthday pictures back this week, and wow what a cutie!  Leaving this post on a happy note, with his smile :)  Hopefully this next week goes better.

​

7 month update

I look so tired here.  But... it's accurate.

Hello 3rd trimester!  I'm now feeling a mix of emotions between intense anticipation, and the reality setting in that we are going to have two kids and imagining with life with a newborn will be like.  I'm trying to enjoy these last few uncomfortable months, but I'm also so excited to be done and hold my baby in my arms.

I get so excited every time I see a Christmas tree in a store or a holiday commercial!  If you know me...you know that is true every year, but ESPECIALLY this year because it means my baby is coming!

We had an "exciting" day on Sunday.  I had cleaned the house up on Saturday and was very much looking forward to a relaxing Sabbath just watching General Conference.  I went to the bathroom and saw a gush of bright red blood.  I had been feeling cramps all morning, but when I saw the blood I started to worry.  I called my doctor and they sent me to Labor and Delivery so Aidia could be monitored and I could be evaluated.  Bonus-we were able to watch some conference from the hospital.  The bleeding slowed down once we were in the hospital thankfully.

Having baby on the monitor was really comforting- her heart was steady and right where it should be.  She also hated the monitor and was trying to kick it off the whole time.  Watching it move around on my belly was reassuring.  When the nurse checked me she said my cervix was slightly dilated (which was a surprise.)  She said I was less than a 1cm, and the inside was still closed (I think they call this funneling.)  The doctor said that was ok to go home with, and the cervical change is probably what caused the sudden bleeding and pain.  I'm being cautious, but for the most part, everything is back to normal and I'm just watching for any changes.  Stop giving us scares baby!

I'm astounded at how well baby is doing!  Astounded.  Most days I literally cannot believe it.  She's perfect and when I think about all that we've been through it seems impossible that she's perfect.  SUCH a miracle!

She always has her feet in her face, but I love her cute lips and nose

I had my doctor appointment today- I had my TSH and glucose drawn so I'm hoping those come back good.  The phlebotomist asked if the scar on my arm was from donating plasma.  Nope, just normal blood work.  Hah..hah...

Aidia is measuring at 2lbs 12 oz, much more on track than her giant brother was!  Right now she's lying in a "C" shape and is breech.  She still has time to turn- they'll check again at 34 weeks so let's hope she feels like going head down soon.  They're going to officially schedule the 39 week induction when I'm 35 weeks but they were confident that I can put it on my calendar!  I start 2 week appointments at this point, and at 34 weeks they'll start weekly stress tests for her to make sure she's thriving.  It's such great news that they will keep a close eye on her!  Now that she should be having REM sleep cycles, let's hope she settles into a nice schedule.

There is still lots of debate about when to stop the aspirin or to continue it, or even to do heparin injections postpartum. I have seen like 8 doctors and they all have their own opinion about it.  I have lots of pondering and praying to do to try and make the right choice.  

I received such a thoughtful gift this week!  A friend of mine from college (who is super talented) sent me these gorgeous, exquisite headbands for free and I melted!  I cannot wait to put them on that pretty little head. My friend has had struggles of her own and it meant that much more that she was still willing to give and support my miracle <3  I love that there is a Christmas looking band, and a rainbow baby one too.

Stunning

I'm enjoying all the little things! This week I want to wash up all her clothes that are secondhand without tags and stock her dresser!

I'm a little stressed about the rest of this week... Jack was supposed to have surgery first thing in the morning to repair some urology issues he's had his whole life. We got everything set up and I've managed to calm my nerves for the most part about him going under anesthesia...and I just got a call about a problem with the pre-authorization. The insurance wants another two weeks to send the approval over. I've been on the phone the last few hours (begging) and I'm just praying everything works out! If we have to postpone another month it won't work as well schedule wise and I'm just anxious about baby as we get further into the 3rd trimester. I would really like to have this surgery and recovery over with! My poor babe. Whatever happens I just hope it's not too rough on Jack. He's a tough little man. We will see what happens! Wish us luck!